Need some support & advice

[shanshine_21]

Hi peeps,

I was to get married earlier this yr, however, I found out that my bf has been taking drugs for abt 5 months. It was a total shock for me. His family & I gave him countless chances but he still continued his habit such that the whole wedding banquet + ROM had to be postponed.

I tried to be strong n instead of feeling upset abt not being able to get married, I brought him to various places to seek help as deep down I really wished for him to recover.

It was a difficult time as when he went to the toilet a little longer or he appeared restless, I would get paranoid as I didn't know if he was on drugs. Also, the searching and going through his items to make sure there are no drugs is draining, you know what I mean?

He seemed to be rather determined to quit and for the past month, things were fine and he passed a urine test. But sad to say, he went back to drugs again. Right now, I stay alone in the flat we bought together and I had to send away our puppy yesterday as I couldn't cope with it. Last night was devastating.

I'm thinking of breaking up and would have to consider the consequences of surrendering the flat back to HDB and the debts I'd be in. As well as having to answer to my parents. And also, giving up our dreams for the future.

Right now, he's in cold turkey at some place and I dun know if I should give him another chance knowing the fact that he might relapse in the future. Or if the health of our children will be affected.

We are childhood friends for over 20 yrs and it's really sad to give him up.

He started getting hooked to drugs as he was facing work pressure and perhaps the finances for the wedding and house. He paid for most of the things at home and takes care of all tbe bills. He wakes up every morning to make breakfast for me and cleans up the house.

And that's my dilemma as he's a good person by nature.

What do you think?

 

[dsoo]

if he's addiction to drugs is fuelled by stress - perhaps removing the root of the problems, i,e reducing the stress that he is facing will help?
seems like all afforts had been done at the "curing" stage - how abt any efforts at the "prevention" level - to eliminate/reduce the factors that might drive him back to drugs?

 

[shanshine_21]

actually I have thought of getting him to stop work for awhile but he is quite adamant abt continuing with work as he is getting a promotion. But right now i'm not interested in the promotion. I think he failed to see that.

 

[dsoo]

is that the only source of his stress? you mentioned other bits like finances as well...
could it be that he needs this promotion so that he can manage this costs?
the promotion may not be important to you, but for him, if he needs to bring in the dough, it will be crucial to him
find the real cause of the problem.

 

[wjchiang]

I'm sorry to hear this, i hope u're coping well so far.

First of all, how did he start?

u said that he was facing pressure from work and perhaps finances, were u aware of the pressure before he turned to drugs?

did he have one or more friends who do drugs, he chanced upon it, or he just decided that drugs was the way to go and went out to find it? not everyone know where to find them in singapore, know?

wj

 

[dsoo]

you also mentioned some insecurities that you are feeling now - if you should leave. I think you need to ask yourself also - what's the purpose of you staying in this relationship?
I might be wrong but it kinda seem that you are in this relationship because you are comfortable (20 yrs) and you are used to having someone provide for you financially, making breakfast for you doing housework etc..

Out of 20 yrs, your bf had only recently started taking druges - you mentioned 5 months? 5 months out of 20 yrs...perhaps your relationship had been smooth sailing with everything being done sui sui for you.
Perhaps this would be a test of how strong your relationship is, and it might have even come at a good time just before both of you decides to take the next step. To really see if both of you can cross this hurdle.

having said all these....ultimately, you will need to sort out your thoughts and see how you want to take this further.

 

[shanshine_21]

Hi all thanks. He does have friends who do drugs and they apparently offered it to him. Some of them have been caught up by the law and I feel if my bf continues, then its just a matter of time he would be caught too.

I wasn't aware that he wasn't facing pressure at work as it seemed like he was enjoying himself at work and getting promoted very quickly. I guess I wasn't quick enough. But it was also when those friends appeared that he started this.

The purpose of staying in this relationship is because it is built on a very strong bond and we share the same vision of our future. Also, I appreciate the fact that he takes care of the physical stuff while I do the intellectual stuff. It's a nice combi. We often dun have to say much to know what each other is thinking. The weirdest thing is that recently he told me the days when I have nightmares abt him taking drugs, would really be the days that he's on drugs.

This test is really at its best. I'm still considering. I spoke to the hdb guy yesterday, he said to be prepared to compensate a huge amount, told me to exhaust all possibilities before choosing that option.

As it is, I dun quite talk abt these problems to ppl, so Thanks for asking me questions as it helps me sort out my thinking.

 

[wjchiang]

u might wanna re-think how strong the bond is between the 2 of u if he didn't come to u for help or share whatever pressure he was facing. I'm not judging, i'm just saying reconsider carefully,objectively. Does he have a weak character that might not have shown because life has been smooth-sailing for him till now? Is he strong enough to face future challanges should other problems surface? Would u be able to overcome the barriers ahead if any, TOGETHER?

Find out the cause, don't assume. Work? finaces? temptation? what? I won't say his friends are the only culprits, of coz he has himself to blame, but it's definitely time to seriously consider quitting these friends. Can't give up his friends or his drugs? then it might be time u quit him.

 

[rubbishcow]

Shanshine,

Honestly, it is very difficult to quit drugs. Your bf situation is the same as my uncle's 10+ years ago. Sad to say, even my uncle had been in and out of rehab for 10+ years, life is still the same for him. Most importantly, your bf must be determined to leave that group of friends who do drugs. Otherwise, if he continue, it is a matter of time he lose his job.

 

[lovingyou]

Shanshine, may I know what drugs is your bf into? I used to work with one of the prisons as a voluntary worker and I've seen successful and unsuccessful cases. If your bf wants to break off from this habit, he has to break away from those friends who is into it. This is the start of the reformatory phrase. From what I see, being stress is simply an excuse. In this working society, who is stress-free? We dun see people going roung taking drugs jus coz we are stress? When ppl is into it, they will find all sorta of excuses to justify their actions and unless with determination, it is not easy to quit... They have to take their mind off from this habit and it is not easy to do so.. I suppose a proper counselloring might helps in relieving his stress too.

 

[miloice]

Drugs hit into a person's instinctive needs and urges. That's why it is a life long battle against it. Once hooked, the instincts don't go away.

Think carefully if you are ready for such a relationship.

 

[lovingyou]

Yes, also, further, it is never easy to let go on it unless help is provided.

 

[sgbabydoll]

Sanshine, your bf is NOT ready for marriage. The responsibilities that come with marriage may overwhelm him even more.

 

[lovingyou]

I think one of the reasons might also be that her bf might not be able to resist the temptation that he is getting from his friends.. Drugs usually influences people in a group rather than individual.

 

[stargate2]

Like what other said, drugs are difficult to quit.. I've a cousin, smart and promising young chap... got himself into drugs and change to a different person. He was in and out in the rehab. Always looking for monies. There was once his brother took him to stay with him, he stole his TV set to buy more drugs. It just never ending.... Suggest you to consider seriously if you want to stay with him... it take lots and lots of determination.

 

[wiggly_toes]

I agree with Doll that your boyfriend does not seem to be ready for marriage.
He needs to sort out his internal issues first, before he is ready to embark on a future with you.
You could help him out and offer support as a friend, however it is really up to him to want to quit bad enough.
Have you thought about how much time you are willing to 'wait' while he sorts himself out?

 

[ninku10]

Hi Shanshine, Since you mentioned that you are concerned about your future children health, i feel i should point this out to you.
I believe the drugs and anything related to that (smoking,diet) will affect the gene epigenetically and will get pass on to your child, even 2 generations ahead. I read on such research because i work in a cancer related lab.

 

[lovingyou]

Bobby: I heard that depending on the drugs, the brain is the 1st affected point.. is that the case?

 

[ninku10]

I would say the liver is the 1st to be affected as it is the organ that 'breakdown/metabolise' digested food and drug. Usually the liver is the one directly affected by drug consumption which lead to liver damage.

 

[lovingyou]

Will it be a congential case?

 

[sgbabydoll]

Drug rehabilitation could well be a life long process. My cousin has spent more than 30 years in and out of the facility. Till today there is no guarantee that he will not go back on drugs. He takes one day by itself.

 

[lovingyou]

I guess people on drugs will always be thinking about it once they are faced with stress etc.