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[wat_are_dreamz]

Missy, i really think u should sit down w ur hubby to tell him how he feel n come to a common understanding. Given tat he is close to his family, i'm sure he feels the need to be responsible towards them. However, when he decided to marry u, he also has to be responsible towards u n the family u are building.

Maybe it wld have been better if u had discussed w ur in-laws about the maid issue during or before ur pregnancy, to prevent any disputes or discomforts. Since the situation is as such now, i feel tat a family shd be open w each other. Furthermore, if u have been married to ur hubby for awhile n c ur in-laws everyday, u should have established a comfortable bond w them. Avoidance doesnt last.

Speak w ur hubby n seek his support. Give him time to handle the issue w/out giving him pressure. Remind him tat u love him n care for his family n u trust tat he will be fair to u n ur son. Do give it a try.

 

[youngmother]

Hi hweebs,

yeah lo... i am wondering it also. Ya la.. with money, everything can be solved.

This week I have to work full week because my colleauge is outstation. I am working on every tues, thurs and sat normally. Mon, wed and fri I need not to work. Normally MIL will help me to look after my child when I am at work. I didnt want to trouble her to look after my child for entire week so I discussed with my HB and already agreed that he will bring the maid and child to work for my working days. On Monday, my MIL is pretty upset when we did not ask her to stay at home and help. OK lo, I am quite happy that she is offering to help. So on Tuesday, I told her wed i have to work. So she helped la. Yesterday, thursday, over the dinner, she made this comment, "I cannot stay at home de, will fall sick. Going out can let me forget my leg and hand ache so I'll have to go out." Indirectly implying that tomorrow is Friday and she need to go, its a must, if not she will fall sick.

-_-

Today I am working again and my HB brought my boy to work. In the end, still have to bring the boy to work. I cant say shes at fault not helping me. Just that I feel if she dun offer in the 1st place makes me feel better. Sometimes she is really fickle minded. Want different things at different time. Not easy to not step on her tail lo!

Hi evon,

ya lo.. maybe its better to discuss on the maid issue... now its quite late and theres not much better solutions except everyone plays a part.

Even I nv talk to my HB, he will still voice out his views whenever he sees a problem. Other HBs might just run away and hope things will resolve by itself. The problem hor, whenever he voice out, MIL will think its me pushing my HB to voice out. Last time without me and baby, HB nv make any comments abt home affairs.

From how I see the situation now, it will be better if HB do not voice out anything to MIL. Actually I still can tahan my MIL. I managed to pull through with the mindset that "She is just a difficult person" everytime she spikes me. My bigger problem is on SIL. She just came back from Korea with a huge shopping bag. This is already the 2nd time of the year she went for holiday. The 1st was Japan

If she got the spare cash to spend on luxury holidays like this, why cant she contribute some to the family? I did raise this topic to my HB on how shiok is my SIL's holiday and my HB got my point. He suggest we have a holiday soon too.

I dunno if he got the right point or not. Probably he thinks I am asking for a holiday which I think not coz I am not a holiday person. Probably he is trying to balance things up in this way which I think he will need to spend more $$... Whats the point? End of the day I see my HB having a heavier burden.

Issnt ask SIL to contribute a bit a lot more easier? Hai... Is it just his family or many families are like that? Or I am just being unreasonable?

 

[wat_are_dreamz]

Missy, i wonder if anything happened after ur marriage tat created discomfort w ur in-laws. Or maybe ur bond w them b4 marriage wasnt strong to begin w, so ur MIL is abit sensitive now abt u.

I think ur mentality may be wrong. U shd not be tolerating ur MIL. In future, when ur son grows up, u wld not want his wife to be tolerating u. U made the decision to marry ur hubby n take his family as half ur family as well. As w marriage, i believe tat every r/ship requires open communication. It might be gd for u to find a private time to speak w ur MIL alone to gently apologize for any misunderstanding n seek her support n guidance at home. Honestly, based on wat u said, its only natural tat ur MIL thinks its u pushing ur hubby since ur hubby nva commented abt the home affairs in the past. Dun tolerate ur MIL. Accept her, care for her n love her as u wld to ur own mother.

For ur SIL, it shd be up to ur hubby to ask her to help out the expenses at hm. If ur hubby doesn't want to do tat, then dun bother cos its his sister n if he doesnt support u, its hard. I presume ur son is young n u just hired a maid, its better to keep more $ by ur side rather than going on a hol. Esp since u are working p/t n ur hubby seems to be the main one contributing to the family expenses.

Its not unreasonable for u to expect ur SIL to contribute more, esp since she has fewer financial commitments. It boils down to the family culture n her lack of 'zhi dong-ness'. Let ur hubby speak to her on tat. I hope things work out for ur current situation but do rem to have the proper attitude towards ur in-laws. They are ur family as well. Learn to accept them for their flaws n merits, be more sensitive n considerate towards them. I'm sure things will improve. =>

 

[hweebs]

hi missy,

hmm...understand it can be very frustrating to change plans here and there because your MIL appears to keep changing her mind. But actually, I think your MIL is doing that because she wants you to appreciate her. You know old people are actually very much like kids...they want people to dote and coax and spoil them. So next time you dealing with MIL you pretend you are coaxing a child lah...probably your relationship will get better

When she say stay at home will ache, next time must make a lot of empathic sounds and ask where, whether the pain had worsen, etc. Like this I think in no time you may become her favourite person in the house, hehe

your SIL...very difficult hor. Plus your husband is not voicing out the issue with her. But you know what I think? I'm guessing that he had seen this kind of nonsense for over 20 years, until now he either 1) gave up, or 2) used to it liao. So maybe that's why he also never take action. Because maybe the only thing that will come out is misery

Nope, it is not unreasonable to ask SIL to contribute. But maybe your husband is afraid of the pain she will subject him to (mental torture) if he brings it up?

 

[youngmother]

Eva, yeap u r right. It started during my confinement days. She forbids me to bath and I disobeyed and carry on. My HB told my MIL that I cannot tahan confinement anymore and she is very unhappy when my HB sided me. From then on, she feel that I am not a good girl and doesnt respect elderly's decision. Every small little thing will ignite fire if both ends couldnt meet.

Hweebs, ya lo. Actually I appreciate her at times. But certain times I really cannot persuade myself to do so.

Few days back, I have thrown away a few piece of clothings and my maid asked me if she can keep them. I said of course if she doesnt mind and so she kept them inside her room. After my MIL knows about this, she gave me a scolding that I shouldnt give her so much things to stock in her room. I just keep quiet. After that, she is still very bu shuang about this issue and she went into my maid's room and dig for the clothings which I gave her, threw it off down the rubbish chute when both maid and me are not at home! My maid cried because she felt not respected and as her employer, I cant do anything at all. I cant scold my MIL for sure. I talked to my HB about this issue and he sighed... and ask me not to give anything to maid in future. What more can I do?

My mum bought some frozen food for my FIL to stock up as sometimes hes not convenient to go out for meals. Over dinner last night in front of everybody, she ask me to tell my mum not to stock up her whole fridge anymore. Then I explain to her that my mum bought it for my FIL because she knows his inconvenience. My FIL appreciates it and thanked me. My MIL then keep quiet after that. My HB kept quiet too. Sometimes I feel that my HB is too tolerating too...

My SIL... I think I cant be bothered about her anymore. If my HB doesnt mind, I just leave it. When my house is ready, will see how things go...

Hai... stay with in laws is like getting more and more difficult...

 

[hweebs]

hai, it's like that one lah. DIL and MIL are actually rivals by nature: both of them are 'snatching' the same guy and are afraid to lose out. Actually the moment son gets married, the MIL would have felt defeated by DIL. Because of this loss, MIL will view everything done by DIL negatively: snatch finish son liao still want to snatch other members?! So like that, I think can only resort to coaxing lor...like dealing with a child throwing tantrum: use care and concern to slowly get her to soften her stand and drop her defences. It's an uphill job, jiayou ah!

 

[wat_are_dreamz]

Missy, its gd tat u are aware tat the incident during ur confinement affected ur r/ship w ur MIL. But did u do anything to address tat incident n patch things up w ur MIL? To be fair, every family's culture n every1's mentality is different. Ur MIL cared for u n loved u enough to forbid u to bathe during ur confinement period, cos tats wat she believes in. Maybe she was taken care of during her confinement likdat or she wasn't taken care of n got alot of ailments now, so she wana make sure she take gd care of u during ur confinement.

Based on wat u said, u ignored her gd kind-hearted advice n went ahead w ur own comfort. Plus ur hubby sided u n disregarded his mum's view n care for u. Both of u neglected to show appreciation to ur MIL. U shd have spoken w ur MIL during ur pregnancy to understand her views on confinement n motherhood, then can compromise. After the incident, u shd have apologized to ur MIL privately, appreciate her n explain to her ur discomfort over not bathing. It's not abt being a 'gd gal'. U are no longer a gal. U are a mother now. U shd be able to better feel how a mother feels, the care n concern n worry. As time goes by, u will nag at ur child etc. Same thing, so open ur heart to feel how ur MIL feels.

U hired the maid b4 1st seeking ur PIL's consent n comfort. Esp since every1 stay tgr, shd be v considerate n sensitive. Now, the best thing is really for u to sit down w ur MIL privately at a quiet time to apologize for overlooking her feelings, assure her tat u respect n care for her, then ask her opinion regarding the maid. So u can understand ur MIL better.

 

[youngmother]

yeah lo... I told my HB say I must have my own house and retire with a sum of $$. I wouldnt want to stay with my son and his wife in future. If they are filial, just come back for dinner at times. I think to watch DVD and stroll at parks is more relaxing than to live with (possible)tension in future.

Haha, for my mum she long me and my brother to "marry" out so that she can enjoy her home in peace. She enjoy to see us on weekends only. Weekdays she is working and she hope no one bothers her. She dun understand why my MIL must see her son everyday. My MIL is not a home person, she goes out everyday whenever she need not to take care of my child. And she find it a hindrance when it comes to cooking. Sometimes I dun understand what shes thinking too. Haha...

 

[wat_are_dreamz]

Missy Missy: honestly, ur son is still so young. It's easy for u to say wateva u want now abt being a modern parent, not wanting ur son to stay w u etc. 20+yrs down the road, things may change. Or if ur hubby sadly passes away, u may grab onto ur son n not want to let him go.

We all have our insecurities n it is always hard to let go, esp after yrs of upbringing a child n loving a child. U may not have the same views as ur MIL, but u shd open ur heart to understand hers. Dun compare ur MIL to ur own mother, cos they are diff pple w diff lives, so their character n viewpt will naturally be diff. U dun understand wat ur MIL is thinking n wat she really wants cos maybe u nva really took the time to speak w her, ask her sincerely to understand her better. So wat for make comments tat u dun know wat she's thinking when u nva made the effort to sincerely love her as ur parent n to understand her heart?

Think about it.

 

[miloice]

hi evon, i sent u a pm.

 

[youngmother]

Actually my mum ever step in during a major quarrel quite some time back. After the talk with my MIL, she was very disappointed to hear about MIL's comments about me. After the hung up, my mother told me to stay at home if I dun feel like going back...

Well, I managed to iron things out with my HB later on.

I ever heard HB mentioned that MIL's MIL used to scold and blame her a lot. And MIL couldnt tahan her MIL and shift out with FIL even though they were poor at that time...

Sometimes whenever I get blamed for silly things, I tend to think about this... I am her DIL now, she used to be people's DIL too... She been through the path I am walking now... Its easier for her to understand my feelings than rather I wait until I become a MIL in future to view the situation now. I am not saying that she must understand me but why is she doing the same things like her MIL?

If u ask me if I ever make the effort to love her as my parent and to understand my MIL's heart? I will say I have the intention during my wedding tea ceremony but no at this moment. Sounds bad enough? But till now, I just cant bah...

 

[miloice]

Missy, the thing is, the view is completely different when standing from a different perspective. Conflicts of interests and differences are all expected in a marriage.

 

[hweebs]

maybe relationships have deteriorated to a point whereby you cannot associate your MIL with any good things liao...like that you may need to take a break from her...but how to do it in reality, i really don't know. But I know that sometimes the 'fake it till you make it' really does work. Maybe not really from your heart, but show signs of doting and affection, and hopefully your MIL will return in kind. If not what to do?

Why your MIL cannot be understanding ah? Actually it's rather warped lah, but i will imagine that women who got it bad with their MIL usually do the same with their DILs too..not sure why. Looking at it from a family systems point of view, it will be a kind of inheritance passed down the generations. And this is quite common!

jiayou lah, missy!

 

[kittenpie]

i agree with Hweebs that sometimes the 'fake it till you make it' really does work.

true love for a person is not about or only about having a warm and fuzzy feeling in the heart.

true love is about taking the initiative to treat a person well, giving the person respect, encouragement and trust.

if you decide to really Love your MIL, then you can start to practise in your actions the manifestations of love.

just like how Mother Theresa provided succour to people who cursed and swore at her.

of course, there are some people, like yours truly, who have never cared enough about the in-laws to even want to start doing all these things. but you could try it if you want to lah.

 

[wat_are_dreamz]

Missy, u started this thread to seek help n some fair advice. Of course u can vent ur frustrations n unhappiness here, but at the end of the time action needs to be taken to improve the situation.

Open ur heart to sincerely love ur MIL, spend time to understand her better n be kinder n more considerate towards her - the words she say, the things she does. You will still feel indignant n frustrated from time to time, but it will lessen. Dun say u cant, cos the truth is u nva really tried to love her. Before its too late, make a difference now.

 

[youngmother]

Hi All...

its me again.

thanks for all the help. Well... Already indirectly solved it with my mum's help on the maid. The maid now dun really follows me. I leave her at home to do the housework. From then on, MIL only complains that the maid is very slow and cannot finish the housework even though I leave the entire weekend for her.

I have been juggling quite well with the inlaws until recently I start being emo again...

I am pregnant for 3 months and its my 2nd child with my HB. My 1st child is 2 yrs old.

My flat will be ready in 2012.

My HB is one who doesnt give me exact answers whenever I raised questions. Sometimes he do, I felt contented with his answers. However, he will randomly "changed" his answers in another conversation.

I am staying with my inlaws which I really dun fancy the idea however I managed to give in after a big fight 2 yrs ago when we almost divorced.

No matter how my MIL treated me until now, I dun really care. As long as we are staying under the same roof, I will tolerate to give my HB a peace of mind. I will give a smile and find excuse to walk off if its not pleasing. We are on talking terms. She is one who side her kids even though its wrong.

I am still living with my SIL who is already 33 this year. She is older than me but in running order, she is consider my younger generation because she is the younger sister of my HB. Shes been rather rude to me whenever we bumped into each other. Instead of greeting "hi" to me, I'll greet her 1st. If I am busy with my child or other things, she will not greet me until I greet her. And certain times of discussion, she will take advantage of situation to "shoot" words into me. She is living on my HB and my HB is fine with that. For this I keep quiet since my HB is comfortable with this.

However, I find that things are not getting right. I find myself cannot merge into his family. My HB is aware of this issue and refuse to do anything to it. He just hope I can tolerate and tomorrow is another new fresh day.

I know this is pretty ridiculous but I really didnt want to carry on if things continue to be like this. Below are some situations which I feel the problem lies with my HB and not my inlaws. My inlaws are spoilt by my HB to a point until they think I am just a DIL who marry in and I have to be the "nice" one to accomodate them instead of we accomodate each other. The more I dwell on the past incidents, the more I conclude that my HB is merely a good son and good brother but not a good husband and good father.

1) My SIL is living on my HB and he finds its his responsibility to take care of the sister. For this reason, I can never shift into my new place because of space constraint. HB ever hint SIL to get her own place but she never give a reply. No conclusion. my 5 room flat might need to contain 8 people in future. 1 day he said we will all shift together to new flat in furture, after a few days in a quarrel, he said he too, wish SIL will get her own flat. I confronted him again on his words flip, he just kept quiet and appear tolerating my nonsense.

I dun really dare to think what will happen if we were to collect keys in future. If I insist on staying alone by then, my HB most likely will side them and divorce me because he thinks I am adding pressure to him.

2) HB seemed obligated to send my SIL to work and lunch together sometimes. He seldom bring me and son for lunch. One day, I am suppose to lunch with my HB on a afternoon. I am preggie now and when I want to eat, I need to eat asap if not I will not feel like eating anymore. That day, SIL came down and wants to hop on HB's car for a free ride to work. I decline lunch with him and say he can go ahead to send his sis to work while I go lunch myself. Instead of asking his sister to go work herself, he actually said it will only take a while before we can continue with our lunch. ZzzZzzz... why do I have to send her to work because I get to eat my meal? I really find I am so not important in my HB's eyes even though I am preggie.

3) HB will ferry my inlaws most of the time. Because I have my own car, we seldom hop in the same car. HB ferry my SIL to work almost everyday even though its not on the way. Whenever I dun feel like driving and request him to ferry me and son, he insist I have my transport and maid with me and I can always go anywhere alone. ZZzzZzzz.

4) My MIL hated my FIL even they are still HB &amp; wife and living in the same room. However, MIL refused to take care of him during my off days. I convert full time into part time because my MIL kind of refuse to take care of my son for full if I am working on full day. During my off days, MIL will go out from morning to night in order not to see FIL. Meaning? Maid have to take care of FIL's meals. Then? Meaning I cannot go out until we settled FIL's meals because I need the maid! I voiced this to HB and he asked me to ignore FIL. In the end? I got a minor scolding from MIL. ZzzzZzz...

5) When SIL is rude to me and HB was standing there, he just keep quiet. I did not want a face to face quarrel with SIL as it will make things very ugly once we start. I just hope HB can stand up for me. Its his family so its easier for him to voice out... No... he didnt... just keep quiet and hope it will be over soon.

Besides above, there are still many misc problems I faced. Sometimes I can smile and throw it behind my back. Sometimes I just cannot get over.

My HB loves me a lot... but I find he loves his family more. He did shower me with other substitudes hoping I will accept and get along with his family. All he hopes was me getting along with his family whereas all I hope is to my my own home. It just seemed that we will never click in thinkings. Theres many times we dispute this and he ever call for a divorce because I cannot get along and hes facing stress from me.

I know I have to show respect to my PILs no matter how mean they are but SIL as well? HB told my SIL off for not showing respect few days back and she barely back for days which my HB is really very concerned of. Hai... So? After shes back my HB will treat her better?

I guess I will not be the center of my HB's heart if my inlaws are around for 1 day. Is it very silly to get sad over such issues? Should I initiate divorce at this stage before things turn ugly? Should I even think of divorce when things are still not the end?

We tried to talk and theres always not conclusion. If I tolerate, when my freedom starts? If not, is it worth to divorce my HB when he still dotes on me, just that he dotes on his family more?

 

[cuclainne]

personally i find a lot of the issues you mentioned to be petty, little situations that probably can be dealt with better but you are now easily agitated because of pregnancy hormones .. just don't do anything you might regret later, when you are in a clearer frame of mind.

 

[youngmother]

Yea... Maybe bah... What about my HB? Shouldnt he pay more attention to me since I am pregnant at this point of time?

 

[oneder]

Of course your HB should pay more attention to you when you are pregnant. But you can't demand him to stop doing nice things for his family just because you are pregnant.

 

[cuclainne]

your husband probably feels sandwiched between you and his family .. you may feel that he's not giving you enough attention but to him, it may feel that he's doing plenty. talk to him, don't just expect him to know.

 

[youngmother]

Well... I dun think I am even demanding in the 1st place. OK fine, just think I am demanding then. Now we are going to be a family of 4 and HB is going to introduce his family of 4 into my place. What should I do?

 

[ariel84]

How come his family cannot stay in the current place and must move in with you both? The current flat is under whose names?

Actually, I don't think you are demanding. It is quite understandable that you would want your own personal space and have enough room for your kids to grow up.

Have you wonder why the SIL is so rude to you? Have you tried "making friends" with her, go out with her, get to know her better? She could have some misunderstanding towards you that you are not aware of.

 

[opalstar]

So.. in short, you are jealous of your SIL. What your husband is doing is merely his role as a brother and juggling his role as a husband.

He is probably aware that you are not very happy with your current stay and he works to satisfy where he could.

Family bonds are a tricky thing. Didn't you two discuss on who stay where at the start of marriage.

i admit i skipped some parts of the thread but i thought I saw somewhere that you are okay to stay with your PIL.

Besides, your PIL also not too mean rite? MIL just go out and have her own activities.. normal ma... ?

Your SIL need to learn respect.. dun let her ride all over u. Be firm at times and do action to say "you are the mistress" of the house.. and ask ur hubby to back you up

 

[youngmother]

ariel,

they dun have their own place. My Hb is the solebreadwinner and provides for entire family. Because my HB made much more compared to normal so PILs live on him. SIL is 33 and she did not chip in any PUB bills or family household even though shes working. I dun mind to take my PILs in since they are my HB's parents and takes up a room. SIL leh? Takes another room... Then my kids? Sleep in master bedroom with us. They are still young I know... But I really want to give a room to the kids and let the maid sleep with them... Is that selfish? Even now I am not working and living on my HB as well, I must keep quiet and go according to my HB's plans?

All along SIL been talking this way, thinks shes right and nobody really reprimand her before. Maybe she talk to me in this way out of her natural speech but things will be very ugly if I confront her back. Its like... if I shout at my bro my bro shout back and after a couple of hours, we are sharing dinner on the same table and start talking again. In this case I didnt confront her, my HB went to say her and now she dun returns home to siam me. Probably she just dun admit shes in wrong. If my HB wants us to stay together in amicable way, I need all we need to do is to respect each other in the house. But I am not given the respect I ought to have... We are not close, she likes to drink whereas I dun. I guess even she had misunderstandings with me, she can always choose to move out or talk to the brother if shes not willing to talk to me. Its just pissed me off to get screamed because I dunno she might misunderstands me for anything.


Hi opal,

maybe you are right, I am just jealous of my SIL. My HB and sis dun work near but they do have lunchs together whenever my HB has got the time and my SIL asks for it. When I request him to bring me and son out, there is always last min changes, like suddenly SIL and MIL joins in and he seemed not able to reject. This happens during my honeymoon too. I know its pretty ridiculous to get jealous over this but he always seemed in difficult position when he cannot reject his family members.

MIL go outs for her activities everyday from morning to night whenever I am not working. She may dislikes me or maybe like wat she said, she hated FIL and do not wish to face him. Then shes pretty selfish to shove her HB to me issnt it? I do not mind to take care of his meals during my off days but not ever off day. I work part time because I want to spend more time with my family, why did it became I have to stay at home every off day to take care of FIL and my boy?

I just had a talk with HB again on this issue. Its really sian to see him with the "I really cant do anything" face. The issue will never be solve if he refused to be firm... Should I just endure and hope he will be firm 1 day or should I just be firm on myself and leave if 1 day he stands on his family's side again?

 

[opalstar]

Nothing ridiculous about being jealous.. just work around it, tell your hubby nicely, while you don't mind to have ur SIL and MIL together but from time to time you will like some family time together.. sure he will get the hint la.

Do things they may not so "enthu" about for example, go cycling or spend day at chinese garden/botanic garden.. (then enroute to other places like shopping centre...hehe)

Really lar, it is his family so he abit hard sandwich between a rock and a hard place. What solutions would you have for him? He can't exactly cast out his parents and sister.. so you have to work around what could have been changed.

Tell him, you need to rest sometimes also and let him inform ur MIL in advance when you need to use the maid. When he have done something well ,for example, stood up to you infront of his sister.. Tell him that you appreciate the effort he took.

Don;t think it is that drastic to divorce him over the incidents you have highlighted. Just continue to... if i say "trained" him.. is it abit.. mean (?)

 

[miloice]

missy,

face it... your husband is just trying to have a peaceful moment without 3 women waiting for him to take sides.

Take steps back from all these. How is your relationship with your husband?? Seems u guys cannot be frank with each other comfortably and are resorting to face value answers to buy time for temporary peace.

Focus on that. Something is not quite right with your communication channels here. Leave all the minor issues aside. Don't let them upset u. Need to handle meals for the FIL? Buy back or arrange for meals to be delivered. Look for solutions that doesn't require u to put in your emotions to it. I can understand how emo u r right now. You need all the rest and support you can get at this moment. You definitely need an understanding spouse right now. That's is what you really need to focus on getting.

Everything else can wait. Focus on your pregnancy right now. After that, you can reconsider your marriage and relationship.

 

[powder]

based on what u say... it feels like u've been suckered into the family to help take care and bear them grandchildren...

of cos i think there are some things u could have handled better or maybe controlled your patience abit... but all in all, i can understand your frustrations cos i feel kinda irritated by some of them too actually...

i think the big problem is gonna come when your house does come... the whole dynamics seems to function on taking advantage of each other and u're not in the equation whereby u are one who can be taking advantage of... u are only the role whereby u will be taken advantage of...

i'm not too sure abt divorce and all that with the kids, and the environment is not without love... it's just filled with pple who dun bother to communicate.

there will be instances where u Should put your foot down.

 

[mum_of_2_girls]

Hi,

Everytime when hubby wants to ferry me to work on his off day, I will say it's your off day, why don't you relax at home. Taxi uncle and Bus uncle can send me to work.

I feel that lots of people need hubby to ferry them around, I shouldn't add to his burden.

The funny thing is he suddenly realise that he gets to ferry everyone (even his employees) except his wife. That's when he gives them cab fare and ask them to take the taxi.

 

[youngmother]

Hi Opalstar,

yeah... he actually knows I want to have times alone with him. All along he knows. The problem with him is whenever his family appears in the living room, he seemed very uneasy not to ask them to join us. And sometimes he seemed obligated to ask them along. He just hope dun bumped into them and we just go off alone. I really dunno. When I asked him, he gives me a "sometimes hor XXXX, sometimes hor....", in the end he just hope I can understand his difficulty. Seriously I really dunno what is so difficult to say "Hey guys, we are leaving home. Bye!". How to be understanding? I am not even asking him to say we are shifting out. Even rejecting them for lunch is so difficult, what about moving out in future?

For your infor, my MIL is very enthu in whatever activities we are doing. If not, my HB will not be enthu in activities for cycling.

My solution is I really hope SIL can get her own house. If shes got financial difficulty, I am pleased to work out with HB to help her. I really do not mind as long as I have my own space with my family. PILs, whether they want to stay with her or stay with us I already accepted it. Already mentioned to HB before, he didnt really reply. I know him very well, he himself hopes to stay with his family. He rather slog like a cow and buy a bigger space so as to give me whatever "space" i need. I always thank him whenever he brings me out, without fail and he is happy with it. When we are together on own, theres no problem and we are very happy. When his family comes into picture, he just hope either I accpet his family's participation or his family will reject his invitation. That kind of feeling is sucky. Like I have to pray for some miracle to happen and I really hate it when he himself feels hes obligated to invite them when he himself also hope they dun join. And sometimes I dunno whether hes telling truth from his bottom of heart or just to pacify me that "Oh I have same thinking as you but no choice." Its really minor I know but its really very pissed off when it happens almost every week!

Hi Milo,

My relationship with HB (w/o my inlaws) is very peaceful. I dun think we ever quarrel on anything besides inlaws before. Even when comes to child, we discuss and always reach a same decision at the end of the day. We decide on trips together. To avoid inlaws' participation, he always bring me to book last min tours so that it will be full and they are not able to join. ZzzzZzzz... We are frank to each other but when comes to his family, he will talk and explain like a salesman and hopes I will buy his story.

I always buy FIL's meals back. Its only the dinner part. If I am going out at 1pm, I cant possibly buy dinner and leave on table as it will turn cold, FIL is not able to heat himself. I told my mum this issue. My mum took an extra mile to buy food like lor mai gai for me to bring home so that FIL can heat them up as and when hes hungry. Guess what? MIL complained that my mum buy so much food to jam up her fridge... ZzzZzz And I explained to her that she did this for FIL and she said I shouldnt tell this kind of thing to my mum. WTF??????? I think I ever told my HB randomly on this issue and he just says "Aiya... Mother (his mum) hor... forever like that" Wah... its another "hope u can understand and dun put it to heart" again.

Yea... I tried to... 2nd pregnancy... and everyone like giving me the "you should be experience" attitude. Well... 1st one I have HB's constant care and concern, now its like... "I trust you will be able to take good care of yourself". I really hated it. I am in fact weaker and this pregnancy is worse than previous. It just make me feel very neglected when I took the pains to conceive again. I was initially happy that I am pregnant again as its higher chance that we can move out. Now its like making situation worse, 1 kid already cramped enough with his family, 2nd out is worse! I hate to say that but I kind of regret now...

Hi powder,

yeah... it could due to hormone changes and thus I am more petty than before... But the thing is I cant be in cool headed at all times. The more I close 1 eye, the more HB thought I dun mind.

Of course I dare not say moving out is the best solution and it probably benefits me and children but not my HB and his family. All of them are so sloggish and financial dependent on my HB. The thing is my HB did not complain and he did not expect me to shoulder his burden. He just hope I can understand. So sometimes I keep quiet because I try to understand, sometimes I just cannot and blow. At the end of the day if I want my marriage, I have to understand him in no matter what he does. Then whats the purpose of being together when I always have to understand the things which are ridiculous?

So I hesitated on the divorce because we still love each other. Its not that hes having an affair or we have no feelings for each other. But if I voice out everything which I am not happy with, the marriage might break down sooner or later... Issnt that so?

Looks like there is no solution... I just have to take it or leave it.

 

[youngmother]

Hi Albee,

my HB all along sees the problem but he just keep quiet and hope everyday is a peaceful day. If lets say I am at home he will spend time with me and we will talk and watch the TV. And when I am out for the night, he will not rest and proceed to see if his family is interested for supper.

Same thing, my HB will very glad if I take a taxi/bus because he thinks he got an understanding wife.

Seriously I dunno whats his exact problem!

 

[miloice]

Another thing, I duno why u need nor want your husband to stand up for you and argue with his sis when u already know her lack of EQ and how ugly things would be.

The hope for the spouse to be some knight to save the princess isn't exactly the right expectation. I think you should be encouraging him to learn to manage with his sis with lots of empathy and tact instead of just giving in. She needs to be managed, not pampered at the expense of others, its a necessity for him to learn how to instead of letting you take all the shit. But, don't expect a big fight 'for you'. Its silly.

 

[miloice]

Missy, the reason why he just keep quiet is because he sees no solution to it. No matter how sticky the situation is, there are solutions. We just need to be very patient and creative. A lot of experience and tact is needed to workaround difficult family members. We endure not for nothing. There needs to be a strategic plan to improve the situation than giving up.

 

[matka]

Missy, you need to start looking for boyfriends for your SIL! That may be the best way to motivate her to move out... as long as she doesn't get a boyfriend who moves in with you guys lah.

Even though I don't face the same problems as you, I can imagine how frustrating it is... you hitting a brick wall no matter what you do.

 

[miloice]

haha... that's a good workaround. But can be challenging seeing the kind of personality she has.

 

[youngmother]

Hi Milo,

actually all along I just ignore her when she talk rubbish which is not smoothing to my ears.

The more uneasy comments she made was in my 1st post here on how she intigated my maid to do her things 1st. For that my HB did not say anything further after she made the call.

2nd issue. Theres a period of time when my MIL drove the maid away and while waiting for the new maid, MIL gotta take care of my boy while I am at work. I ever suggest to send my boy to infant care but my MIL strongly rejects. So MIL look after my boy straight 1 month on weekdays w/o a maid. I suppose MIL did complain how tiring she was to SIL. Then on a fine day when we are having supper together, SIL questioned me "Have you ever look after your boy full day w/o help before, you noe how tiring is it?" ZzzZzz, I wont be so agitated if my MIL said this to me because she experienced before. What's SIL's position to question and challenge me like that? And her tone is obviously not friendly. Whats she driving at? To me I receive her message "You have maid to help you, you are the mother and its your duty, my brother is giving u a good life, u better not complain on other misc stuffs". My HB said nothing. I can reply "what are u driving at and you are being rude" but I didnt. So it made the situation that I am very guilty by not replying. HB did not stand up for me too, he can just simple reply SIL "Why did u want to bring this up on a fine day like this?" No he just keep quiet. Like he dare not oppose his mother and his younger sister. Let me suffer like a someone with guilt and all went quiet after that.

The final one before I blow is a random conversation with their cousin's gf during CNY. HB asked whats our conversation and I randomly told him about the gf is not willing to give birth coz they are not financially stable yet her future MIL is angry because of that. I agree with her totally because raising a kid really needs financial capability and adjustments in life. Its not easy like rearing a pet. So HB brought it up randomly over the dinner the next day. And SIL is really rude. She said the following:-

"Who is she to think this way? If she thinks my cousin is poor and dun wan to give her ask her to leave my cousin la! Who is she to talk this way? She is just a daughter in law and why the hell she talk so much?"

Oh come on... say I am sensitive or wat but I really think she said this to shoot me indirectly. Her tone is very agitated. Like telling me I am just a daughter in law and shouldnt make so much noise. Just give birth and shut up in the family. HB did said something but its just "You dunno people why make such a comment?" Then she goes "Really ma, who is she? What she think she is?" And then somehow the conversations ends.

I really think my HB should stand up for me if he thinks I am his wife and deserves respect. Not showing me respect is equivalent to not showing him respect. I seriously dunno why the hell he didnt stand up for me. Hes not a small employee in company. Everyday he scold his staff if sales is not well. Why cant he just reason out with his sister for being so rude? I seriously feel the humiliation at that time It just made me like a birthmother in the family nia.

 

[youngmother]

Hi matka,

she has got a bf and she got no intention to get married.

Dun be surprised, shes a divorcee, her ex HB dumped her after 7 yrs. The man was "married into" the family previously. The man somehow grew sick of it and had an affair outside. From then on probably SIL refused to get married because of that blow. Well.. then what? I have to be understanding and give her a roof to stay because of the blow she had? I dunno how to be understanding....

 

[opalstar]

Opal without the "star" .. Opalstar.. sounds funny..like oh bak ka(black eye)

I think if you want him to solve the problem, you need to have a workable solution. something are not changeable like.. No chasing SIL or PIL out..

So work with what you can. U like direct route, just go direct route la.. find creative ways to cheat la.. for example, go buy movie tix for 2... then just grab ur husband and say got to go , bye ! 2 tix, MIL also cannot do anything ma..

SIL have to train abit la.. sometime u don't have to black face her.. you just ask if she is okay, she seems to be in a bad mood when she answer ur question.. .."act concern".. if she too attidue , she will "shou lian" abit, if she really is in bad mood cos got difficulty, just hear and improve relationship loh..

Things like she instigate your maid, if you dun have anything important nevermind. if got, u need to show ur authority.. and say, "actually she is cooking for the baby and baby cannot starve. I will let her know to do your stuff afterwards. Thanks hor. " If your tone nice nice, reason valid, she bad face bad attidue.. who wll win? even she win the round she will still lose points in her family face...

Sometimes, it is hard for your husband also, no one choses what type of family to be born in.. he is already trying his best..

now you pregnant.. must be calm.. otherwise, like the old wife lores, your baby will be bad temper de..
*edited for 1 spelling mistake*

 

[youngmother]

Wah opalstar...

I think my biggest problem is I think I need space for myself and my future 2 kids, just the 4 of us only. I wont ask him to chase them out, just that we stay separately.

I still think I just leave the SIL to my HB. If I were to confront even with a nice tone, I think things no matter what will be very ugly. My HB talks to her and she already not coming home to show she is not at fault. I dunno. Normally a person stays out because theres something they buay song of in the house instead of feeling guilty? I guess my HB will use a very nice tone and she already reacted this way. I guess I will not confront the sister unless I am ready for divorce anytime.

Actually I know its hard for my HB... I see him shoulder all the financial burden I pity him. The thing is the family is enjoying free ride because my HB is not making noise. He can train the sister to be independent, whether he want to or not only. He thinks that taking care of the sister as long as shes not married is his responsibility. Hes not seeing it a becoming a problem that SIL didnt want to get married since she can enjoy being single w/o financial burden.

Actually, I thought of divorce is mainly because I find that we each have our own sets of reasons which we cant comply with each other. I think its ok to move out since we already had 2 kids whereas he thinks he should stay with the family since he need to take care of them. And the thought of he will stand on his family's side if theres a big quarrel really saddens me.

I choose this HB because hes financial capability to provide for the family and hes filial towards his mum. I never know even after married and become his spouse, bear 2 kids for him, priority still goes to his family. Its really very saddening. I probably find it easier to leave if hes having affair. It will be straightforward. Now its like we still love each other just that I have to accomodate to keep it going and sometimes I just feel very reluctant to accept certain arrangements...

 

[miloice]

missy, everything mentioned abt her already shown 0 EQ. No need to dwell into more negativity abt that. I have a mum with 0 EQ too. She can be very terrible especially with service staffs and whenever agitated. Scolding them till they are in tears, throwing money at them. She does all these when agitated. Although, she has a medical condition that affects her emotions. The family understands but not others. Also, its is also largely because of her extreme self centered personality.

Can we change her? no. We learn to manage her and avoid getting her emotional whenever possible. Do we hate her? no. I love her very much. But, I'm sure SIL hates her to the core. My wife is okie with my mum cos i protect her sufficiently to prevent things from getting bad.

 

[miloice]

"I choose this HB because hes financial capability to provide for the family and hes filial towards his mum. I never know even after married and become his spouse, bear 2 kids for him, priority still goes to his family. Its really very saddening."

there is something wrong with your expectation here.... his family will continue to be important to him. Marriage isn't going to change that at all. The way I see it, though his intentions are good, he doesn't has the right experience to handle the situation. He has a difficult family but he doesn't know how to manage them. He is taking the avoidance than proactive approach to things. This is directly contributing to the difficulty you are experiencing because you are impacted by his enduring and suffering mode of management.

 

[opalstar]

Missy Missy .. is Opal .. haha..

Is there a difference with stay separately and chase them out..?

No EQ also have to handle. If you leave everything up to your husband also very tiring for him rite?

I am sure u can think of activities to exclude them out ba? sure got something that only children play and u watch loh.. can't be that bo liao, they also follow u rite?...

You chose the husband in part is due to his filalness.. yet u want to throw away the same husband due to his filalness..

Actually to be frank, i don't think i saw you mentioned any action to smooth things over either.. Everything just throw to hubby to settle. ..

Let me ask it in another way.. if one day, your husband ask you to chose between him and YOUR family.. how do you want to chose? 针扎ä¸åˆ°è‚‰æ˜¯ä¸ä¼šç–¼ï¼ã€‚

I get it that you are rather hormonal now.. but is rather trival stuff.. and your husband is not 100% siding them.. He did tell off your SIL didn't he?

 

[nichie]

I choose this HB because hes financial capability to provide for the family and hes filial towards his mum. – the first part is correct, however, for the second part, since you know he is filial to his mum, you should has expected that he will be staying with his mum to take care of her which also mean his father will come along and sister too since they are all staying together before he marry you unless you have discussed with him that you would like to have your own house after marriage. Seem like you have marry his whole clan. I can empathy with your situation imagine 8 persons staying together and some are not in good terms with each other. If financially ok, why don’t you ask your hubby to buy or rent another house nearby citing running out of space with new baby coming. In one way, he can still be his filial son and another way is to put pressure on SIL and gauge the reaction of all people, from this, you will able to tell who is reasonable to think for your hubby or you.

 

[watching]

Missy,
Parent (especially Asian mother) -child relationship is primordial, there is nothing much a (child-) in law could do to come between them. Only they can cut the umbilical cord, it can happen when circumstances are really bad. Sibling relationships are not so primal, perhaps your husband will come to his senses and eventually put you and your children before his sister.

 

[trinity4ever]

Hi Missy

I really salute yr patience. No one is perfect and I thk most of us can understand there is a threshold where we can 'tahan'. If i'm you, i thk i would hv burst very long ago ;p

I didn't really follow thru all yr postings. Just give some personal views (if anyone wants to give comments on my views, pm me bah cos i don't want to mess up Missy's postings)

No offence here. But I thk if your HB loves you, he shd stand up for you &amp; won't thk of filing a divorce. Pardon me for my ignorance. To me, it is not a case of affair or cheating. Is a family issue which I thk if a man loves his wife, he shd do somethg abt it esp if the family is fr his side. For my case, if my fiance's SIL made some insensitive comments infront of me, he will tell his mum to tell his SIL not to say such thgs to me (he can't tell her off cos she is considered 'elder' but his mum can). He kws i don't like to hear some thgs and he will tell his mum to tell the whole family not to say such thgs infront of me. I appreciate such gesture cos it shows how much i mean to him. Even if someone said somethg not nice, i kw he tried his best and i'm happy.

I can understand abt the $ issue cos to a certain extend, i also face such issue (not quite the same). But i thk i may be more fortunate cos when i grumble abt it, my fiance will try to clear me up or at times, try to apeace me by cutting down on expenses. He won't try to brush aside or shut me up but he has his way in making me to 'kan kai'

I guess it also voice down to character. Perhaps yr HB belongs to those type who won't say anythg. I always tell myself to look at the positive part of the negative. My fiance is very generous type and at times, i feel that his bro &amp; SIL take advantage of it. While i'm 'angry' that he is being taken advantage, i applaud his generosity action - he just want to bring happiness to pple he care abt.

Anyway, jiayou! For yourself and your own family

 

[wat_are_dreamz]

Missy: I guess its sad for u but u got urself into ur current situation. Chances are u will nva get urself out of it. From wat i have seen of u so far, u just come onto the forum to vent ur frustrations, complain n do nothing to positively improve the situation.

It is always impt to really talk things thro b4 marriage. U knew tat ur hubby is close to his family n his family depends on him heavily. He nva lied to u abt tis matter. U just chose not to see the future. Plus i doubt u really made the effort to love n care for his family. Thus, u are not close to them n they are not close to u. If u really want to have a happy n strong marriage, then u need to reflect on urself n ask urself wat u seek for in a marriage. If u want a hubby who can support u financially n love u alot, then can u accept without complaints his family n his devotion to his family? If u cant find the ability to be honest w urself n have a gd conversation w ur hubby, we will probably see u back in tis forum talking about divorce soon. No point to walk till that step.

 

[youngmother]

There is a difference. They can continue to stay in the rented place while we move out to our new place and start our own. Of course, I wont mind if my HB can shoulder the current rental. I bring my boy to play, they are not interested, my HB also not interested as he believes I can watch the boy to play with the company of maid. He will use the time to earn money. Hes earning $$ because he has got a big family to shoulder, fine, I shall be understanding. But he has got the time to send his sister to work and have lunch with her, why nv use the time to earn $$ as well? If he has the time to lunch with her and send her to work, why didnt he spend time to bring me for lunch instead? And when he has got time to lunch with me, why must I can only have lunch when I am very hungry (pregnant) after sending the sister to work?

If my HB were to ask me who will I choose bw my family or him, frankly speaking, I wont choose my family, I will choose the family which I had created with my HB. If my family loves me, they will be glad enough that we are independent. I guess staying out makes family bonding closer. After I am married, I am closer to my mum, I visit them every weekends and bring them out for dinners. As for staying with my HB's family, we are already seeing each other everyday and I kind of hate it when they intrude my privacy time with my HB. If I am to stay away from them, I might learn to love them more.

I guess I will never learn how to love his family like he does at this moment. We ever talked on his family before. He knows his problem with his family and he admit his mum is selfish and not as noble as other mums. He knows his sister has got problem. He explained to me that its a kind of debt which he needs to return for life. Maybe I am shallow but I find that it doesnt make sense. The more I see the things they do, the more I find they are taking advantage of my HB. I dont really care if my HB is being taken advantage if my HB can give me and kids the same quality of attention. No... he just hope I can understand why he doesnt have time for me because either he need to work or his family needs him. =(

Outcase, if I do not have kids now, its a lot easier. Just 1 more family member added to current. I already had 1 boy and 1 unborn right now. Its going to be 4 soon. Can you see the difference of 4 members and 8 members staying in a 5 room flat? I work hard for my family of 4, my HB works hard for his family of 8. If you are a wife, married a HB who spends more time and money on his family, and his family comes 1st whenever things happens, how will you feel? For me, I feel pretty unbalance. If hes not ready to leave his nest, why get married in the 1st place? I didnt force him to get married. Hes the one who wants to start a family. Probably communication break down somewhere but I seriously didnt thought that a family of 8 will be staying together in a HDB in time to come...

Although I dislike my PILs, I already took a step back and accomodate them for life. Hes filial to his mum, I really admire that until now. I am not asking him to desert his family for sure. I am willing to take my PILs. My concern is why should I take the sister when my new place comes? My HB ever feedback to me that it might be very tight if he covers 2 places if theres a change of nature in work in future. My PILs has got 3 kids, all should chip in according to ability. What I see now is all are already taking advantage of him and he made no noise! The only thing he hopes that I can be understanding and understand his situation. I really find it ridiculous because theres nothing for me to understand... His elder brother is not sick, he has his own family of 5, he probably escaped with the excuse because he didnt earn much. My SIL is already 33, not handicap or mentally retarded. Even I agree with my HB "Yes I am willing to take care of your parents for life" but the sister? And I really cannot accept I have to take care of someone who is rude to me and yet my HB simply keep quiet and hope I will understand.

I guess from now on I will suggest activities myself, probably reject them instead of my HB. I just be straightforward and turn them down straight. I hope 1 day they will get it. My HB will have to talk to me if he sees a problem. Guys, will that be too harsh if your wife do this? How will you all react if your wife is so straightforward with your family?

 

[miloice]

u r threading into dangerous grounds with petty comparison and challenging how he spend time with his family. If there is an issue with your relationship with your husband. Focus on that and talk to him abt that. NOT BRING COMPARISONS with the activities he is willing to do with his family. Its a no brainer that things are not going smooth in your marriage now. Focus on your marriage your pregnancy and not his family and accumulated resentments for them because of the time he spend with them. Open your eyes, why does he rather spend time with them than you. Do you know where this is heading? Seems he is getting distant from you and you are driving him further away with such negative comparisons.

If my partner asks me to choose between family or spouse, I really need to reflect strongly. Why has things come to this? Is it because she isn't understanding or because my family is so unbearable. I will not take sides. There is nothing to choose. I will not foresake my family, no matter what. I will always place the interest of my partner above mine. There are always workaround, no need to come to the state to abandone the family at all.

Its very naive to insist for the need to take sides and make decisions to give up either party.

 

[miloice]

whoever come up with such boundaries that one must always stay with their parents to be filial? Our parents may have such expectations. They might insist and get all drama but its about how we manage these expectations and address their concerns and insecurity. If it comes to a stage where both cannot see eye to eye with each other. Its best to stay apart. That isn't a decision to choose between parents and spouse. Its a decision on how to manage the difficult situation and find realistic solutions that would be better for everyone's interests.

I just scolded my own brother few days back. My mum is hospital and SIL insists on not wanting my mum to stay with them anymore. My bro still wanting to negotiate with his wife to let her stay. What for? How has he handled it thus far? Its not working. Why does he want to continue an approach that has proven to be a diseaster. Look beyond that boundary. We can take care of our parents by spending time with them employing professionals to supervise instead of just physically housing them with us. Improving relationships needs alot of patience and effort. Not simply by insisting to live under one roof and turn deaf ears to issues.

Moreover, in your case, a sister. Your husband need to stop sticking his damn head in the mud. We can only do what we can within the boundaries. I duno why u admire your husband frankly. He totally failed in caring about you. You can be supportive and understanding but its 2 ways. Letting his sister grow up is also for her own sake. Your resentments on his family... it boils down to him still. He grew their expectations. It has to be managed instead of giving in everytime. All these isn't going to change overnight and they will resent the changes. But, its him that need to drive the initiative for the changes, else, its always like this. Either u accept it or somehow make him realize, else, u will always be suffering. Don't hate his family. Wake him up instead.

Its basically in your husband's personality to fear declining requests. He rather suffer than be clear upfront on what he is able to provide within his comfort level. This is not something admirable. Such individuals will let his partner suffer in his expenses. His inability to say no when its really NO.

 

[snowydounut]

Missy:
I think you get yourself into a very tricky situation in the very first place. When you say you don't mind to live with your PIL, etc.. Often, this is interpreted as YES, irregardless of whatever. Thus, be prepared to absorb all kind of nonsense, be it expected or newly created, currently or in the future.

 

[opalstar]

Okay.. so PIL = solved. Stay with them and learn to love them if not tolerate them..

I think it is easy to say u will chose the family you created.. but for you, it is theoritical, for him, is actual problem.

Anyway, so SIL is now the problem.Just tell your husband frankly, SIL cannot stay. Let him that by the time you move (next year), you will need the third room for ur kids and it is difficult to get ur SIL to move when the time come. Best to prevent it from the onset. Attack his weak point loh, say, you want the best for YOUR kids and this is not a point for discussion. BTW, did your HB actually seat down and discuss with SIL on her future plan.

Tell him to let her know earlier, so that she can find a house in advance.

Sometimes need to balance things up, don't always reject people. Sometimes reject, sometimes accept, sometime suggest activities to do together.. 家和万事兴。

I dunno, must try to "merge" with at least the PIL.. cannot be just ignore them.

Always remember, you are setting an example for your kids, what you want ur kids to do for you, you must do for others. i am sure you want ur kids' future wife to love you and not to simply tolerate you.. IMO, filialness is something that I will loved to install in alot of kids and is such a rare commodity, your husband really is a very kind person..just that he needs to know how to manage it.

Hokkien people have a saying.. if you are good to your parents, you will be successful in life. To most hokkien families I know of, it is true. The most filal son/daughter usually is the more successful one in life...