Need advice

[sunboi80]

Hi All

My wife and i are divorcee and she has a son from her previous marriage who have been staying with her mum and bros all the while. We married in June this year, All the while i've treated the son as my own thus I've always hope we can live more like a normal family because i think that's best for our family.My view is that a family should always stay together whenever possible. we got our own flat, but most of the time, i m the only one staying in it. Weekdays cos our son need to attend childcare so i let him stay with my in-laws who goes to work later thus our son can sleep more, and my wife will usually stay with her mum as well. As much as i love to see our family stay together (like other families), i am ok with the current arrangement. However as our son grow up, I do not think this is a good arrangement. I want to give him as normal a family as possible, dun wan him to feel "special" from the rest. is this wrong?

My wife's family is quite close-knitted, and her pt is her mum brought up my son, so she cannot just bring him away like this - ok agreed but what is pissing me off is that though my son called me "papa". I am like a mere figurehead. As in, her mum, bro and her (sometimes) makes most of the decision (like staying over, which childcare to go etc...), w/o even consulting me. maybe she doesn't realise this but it's hurting me. Y can't they spare a tot for my feelings.

yesterday, we were at my parent's hse for lunch and then her bro say wanted to see our son. my wife w/o hesitation say go back to bring our son back to play with her bro. Is this correct? i mean we are the parents not bb sitter. if he wan to see, he can come our house and see. furthermore our son is there(in law plc) almost everyday. I feel we should have more control over our son, i know this is a small thing and i am not angry or wat cos her bro is flying off this weekend). our son's schedule is as such (Weekdays-in law's plc, sat afternoon - my parents plc, sat evening and sunday afternoon onwards- in law's place). Our family time is already getting so little, why can't she see that? anyway i brought this up to her yesterday that we shld have more control and she kicked up a big fuss saying that i am calculative to send them back (if im not happy then she can ask her bro to do that, which is beside the pt).

Am i wrong? How do other families work?
we want to add another sibling for our son, but she is worried with her current arrangement, she can only choose 1 to stay with. Is there anyone out there who's family is separated as such? how to make it work?

 

[anirdnas]

I am sorry to hear that. I wouldn't think a family should be staying at 2 different places.

From what I have read, the both of you have different perspectives. If can, please approach a marriage counsellor. It do works when you hear from a counsellor who would analysis issues on a different angle that both of you do not realise.

 

[Hanjin]

Hi,
Have you told your wife how you feel when she leaves you out in major decisions concerning the child? If you have not, I think you should. It is also important the way in which you tell her. Do it tactfully without blaming her or her family. It is not normal for a family where spouses stay apart. This happens to my brother in all his years of marriage and it came as no surprise that both are separated now. Again, broach the subject to your wife tactfully. If all else fails, seeing a marriage counsellor will be the next best option. All the best.

 

[verityff]

I am sorry to hear that, cool down and try to communicate with ur wife.

Maybe after a failed marriage she becomes more strong and independent. she tends to do all the things by herself especially when come to her son as she may not want to stress up both ur relationship and her son. By letting her parents and bro take care of her son, she might just feel easier and more comfortable that's all. It doesn't mean she not loves/trusts you. Of course the way she handles the kid without discussing with you needs to change but u can do ur part also by straightaway telling her parents the plan/activities u have in up coming weekend, the son will stay at your place for the rest of few days etc.

I think underneath your wife still thinks her son was part of her past, not yet with u in present life. Talk to her and gain more trust, let her know the importance of fatherhood for a boy. Take more initiatives to express ur concern about the son and ur plan to have one more addition to the families. Take care!!

 

[bbSG2014]

I am sorry to hear that. I wouldn't think a family should be staying at 2 different places.

From what I have read, the both of you have different perspectives. If can, please approach a marriage counsellor. It do works when you hear from a counsellor who would analysis issues on a different angle that both of you do not realise.

From experience, it can be really tough. Besides communicating with each other, Counselling can help each other to move on, whether in marriage or outside. If you need recommendations, i can recommend marriage counsellor to you.

 

[uglydude]

If she end up deciding not to want another kid...you will have to bear with raising another man's child....You should have known better then to marry her.....

 

[sadman2009]

Although there's nothing wrong with taking care of another man's son, I think as a man, we want to have our own sons, our blood. I feel that nothing can be compared to teaching and training our own sons and daughters to become someone great.

 

[lonely_desire78]

TS,

Perhaps, do have a heart to heart talk with her and withhold nothing. At least, clear up your views and expectations with her.

What kills (or "murders") a relationship is the lack of communication. She probably has no idea what you are thinking about.

As a guy, I would agree with your point of view. Why must the kid go see the relative? Why not come to your place? I would question that too. It could be an innocent action, without criminal intent. Better clear it up, so you have better assurance of whether it is innocent action or otherwise.

Keeping these emotional baggage in the mind isn't healthy. Believe or not, it will gradually eat into the relationship and even to the point where you no longer trust your wife. Doubts and lack of faith are like termites chewing away at the foundation of a house. If you do not resolve these doubts, your "house" (ie, relationship) will collapse in no time.

Be candid with her about how you feel and also try to get her to voice out her concerns. At least, both parties clear the air. Its not the easiest thing to do. If you cherish it, then do something.

Finally, a point to share is that people don't change. When you enter into a relationship/ marriage, do not expect changes in other people. If there are good changes, its a blessing. If not, be happy that there is nothing worse happening. Same thing for yourself.

Do not pretend to be someone that you are not or keep emotions to yourself. Its unhealthy. Remember that your other half should accept and love you for what you are. If she can't accept your views, then your marriage is at risk.

 

[sadman2009]

TS,

Perhaps, do have a heart to heart talk with her and withhold nothing. At least, clear up your views and expectations with her.

What kills (or "murders") a relationship is the lack of communication. She probably has no idea what you are thinking about.

As a guy, I would agree with your point of view. Why must the kid go see the relative? Why not come to your place? I would question that too. It could be an innocent action, without criminal intent. Better clear it up, so you have better assurance of whether it is innocent action or otherwise.

Keeping these emotional baggage in the mind isn't healthy. Believe or not, it will gradually eat into the relationship and even to the point where you no longer trust your wife. Doubts and lack of faith are like termites chewing away at the foundation of a house. If you do not resolve these doubts, your "house" (ie, relationship) will collapse in no time.

Be candid with her about how you feel and also try to get her to voice out her concerns. At least, both parties clear the air. Its not the easiest thing to do. If you cherish it, then do something.

Finally, a point to share is that people don't change. When you enter into a relationship/ marriage, do not expect changes in other people. If there are good changes, its a blessing. If not, be happy that there is nothing worse happening. Same thing for yourself.

Do not pretend to be someone that you are not or keep emotions to yourself. Its unhealthy. Remember that your other half should accept and love you for what you are. If she can't accept your views, then your marriage is at risk.

Good advice, lonely

 

[life_is]

Hi All

My wife and i are divorcee and she has a son from her previous marriage who have been staying with her mum and bros all the while. We married in June this year, All the while i've treated the son as my own thus I've always hope we can live more like a normal family because i think that's best for our family.My view is that a family should always stay together whenever possible. we got our own flat, but most of the time, i m the only one staying in it. Weekdays cos our son need to attend childcare so i let him stay with my in-laws who goes to work later thus our son can sleep more, and my wife will usually stay with her mum as well. As much as i love to see our family stay together (like other families), i am ok with the current arrangement. However as our son grow up, I do not think this is a good arrangement. I want to give him as normal a family as possible, dun wan him to feel "special" from the rest. is this wrong?

My wife's family is quite close-knitted, and her pt is her mum brought up my son, so she cannot just bring him away like this - ok agreed but what is pissing me off is that though my son called me "papa". I am like a mere figurehead. As in, her mum, bro and her (sometimes) makes most of the decision (like staying over, which childcare to go etc...), w/o even consulting me. maybe she doesn't realise this but it's hurting me. Y can't they spare a tot for my feelings.

yesterday, we were at my parent's hse for lunch and then her bro say wanted to see our son. my wife w/o hesitation say go back to bring our son back to play with her bro. Is this correct? i mean we are the parents not bb sitter. if he wan to see, he can come our house and see. furthermore our son is there(in law plc) almost everyday. I feel we should have more control over our son, i know this is a small thing and i am not angry or wat cos her bro is flying off this weekend). our son's schedule is as such (Weekdays-in law's plc, sat afternoon - my parents plc, sat evening and sunday afternoon onwards- in law's place). Our family time is already getting so little, why can't she see that? anyway i brought this up to her yesterday that we shld have more control and she kicked up a big fuss saying that i am calculative to send them back (if im not happy then she can ask her bro to do that, which is beside the pt).

Am i wrong? How do other families work?
we want to add another sibling for our son, but she is worried with her current arrangement, she can only choose 1 to stay with. Is there anyone out there who's family is separated as such? how to make it work?

Facing same problem with my wife and kid. And all her relatives only know to keep telling me to divorce her instead of taking marriage seriously. Even the lawyer can't help with this sort of unreasonable behaviour and advise me to wait until all of them die. If the marriage is not normal, either agree to work it out together or just live your own life. Alternatively, get another man to marry your wife so you can be free and he has to face this.