Need advice on my divorce and start on a new life ahead

Laundry woes,

An objective mutual friend once told me years ago before i got married that we are not compatible. That we are not the "happily in love" kind even when preparing for our wedding. Maybe i was stupid not to listen then.

My whole family are Catholic. I am being made to feel like a sinner for doing this. When I went overseas, immediately I felt liberated, instead of missing my husband dreadfully. I think that was a sign, even then..... I hope to have the courage to do what I need to do.

Milo On e Rocks,
I am just taking a wait and see attitude, give it three months and see if the dust settles, if we can start being comfortable again. I asked him what he wanted, he says he doesn't know.

Right now, we sleep in separate bedrooms - as much as I know it hurts him - to do otherwise would be to give him false hopes and myself unnecessary pressure.

You are astute to say that right now, my heart is really not in it. My heart hasn't been there since the beginning.... but frankly I feel obligated. Maybe it's the values from my religion that marriage should be for life. But at the same time, I think wouldn't God want us both to be happy and live life to the full - and that includes setting the both of us free.

sm,

You are right that there are 2 issues. Frsnkly if I hadn't met my friend, I'd still be discontent deep inside, alienated, lonely in my marriage. But I'd probably be resigned. I used to think - maybe all marriages are like this? Cold, functional, uncommunicative? I didn't know any better...

What is love? Is it doing things for someone? In the past, I do his laundry, share the housework, help him around the house in general... is this love?

He is the same, buy me presents, treat my parents well, fetch me from MRT after work, is that love? Is this sort of love sufficient to sustain a marriage?

We laugh and joke but there is no real in depth communication. And the physical intimacy we had in the past was all obligation. The standard once a month variety and he admitted he didn't like sex as well...

It's really hard but I must try to get clarity on the issue.
 


If its your religion, then the answers should something much more spiritual no? You should be taking your quiet time and praying for God's wisedom in the matter.

No sarcasm intended. If you are spiritual, then the search for answer should be in that direction, no? Else, what are you really doing? Just making yourself feel less guilty? Who r u fooling? God or yourself? Religion is a personal thing. It doesn't matter how your family or the world see a Christian should be. If you are walking with him, let him guide you. If u r totally clueless where he is, then why claim to be a christian and stick to the Bible like some imposed rulings?

I'm speaking as someone that stop being a Christian because my search ended no where. So, I don't pretend to be God's good friend and I was just following the crowd (family and church).
 
Hi Milo on the Rocks,

I understand where you are coming from.

I stopped attending church because I couldn't get the answers to what I was seeking. But I will sincerely pray, seek God's strength, and I hope I will receive an answer.

At the end of the day, I know He wants us to be happy and to live our lives to the full.
 
veiled, i hv no advice for you cos i also wont know what to do if i am in your shoes.

i am also catholic. i am really glad you have not given up on GOD although you stopped going to church. to assure you, HE has not given up on you and HE has not abandoned you. The other person you can go to is OUR LADY and remember the POWER of the ROSARY. never, never stop praying !!

many a times when our strength is not enough, we can only surrender and depend on GOD's strength. HE will show us the WAY.

i am not a religious person and i wont turn my post into one cos there are many others here who are non-catholic. but i am sure you know what i mean.

keep coming here if you need a listening ear.. God Bless !!
 
powder...
the lawyer said she will go ahead with t submit the divorce paper to court based on 4th years separation.. she didn't mention anything abt unreasonable behavior..

she said wait for 21 days for him to respond.. i also don't know why she didn't mention abt unreasonable behavior.. she said we will get a court date somewhere in jan and i have to follow her to court and she asked me to pay her another $500
 
hi, faith and doll...

thank u so much for yr concern. i have a PPO against him. This PPO i think is for life long.

the funny thing is he got the cheek to tell my lawyer that he is shocked and he repeated 12 times the same thing to my lawyer.. this 12 times.. pls don't disturb her cos i want to finish my course here and ask her n her pastor to come and see me..

GOSH.. how can he be shocked? he is just trying to be funny.. i was with him when i was 18... now i am 30.. we were apart for 6 years.. the thing is he still think i am a kid.. being so navie.. wanting him back// gosh..

i think i know what he wants, he wants to come back to me or this house after he comes out in 2010 as his family don't want him. I do not want to be with him. is all over and i thought him many times!

my lawyer after taking to him she is quite angry.. she said he kept repeating like radio.. n she said it will not be easy don't think he will respond positive so have to go ahead to file in court after 21 days that is only what she said...

doll.. u said some unresaonable behavior.. may i know what are those? etc?
 
faith...

he will be come in 2010.. well if he wants to be funny i will report police.. i do not wish to stay away.. no point of hiding...
 
error...

it should be this 12 times.. pls don't disturb me cos i want to finish my course here (Prison) and ask her n her pastor to come and see me..
 
khim if u have a ppo against him, then tat should say alot rite? u can always go on fear, fear for your life being a valid reason.
 
my lawyer after taking to him she is quite angry.. she said he kept repeating like radio.. n she said it will not be easy don't think he will respond positive so have to go ahead to file in court after 21 days that is only what she said...

doll.. u said some unresaonable behavior.. may i know what are those? etc?
 
Khim, just my personal opinion which you would still need to check against your lawyer's advice. Since your lawyer is pressing on for four-year separation, so take what you read here as pure exchange of information.

Without any prejudice against any person or organisation, I suppose you could state that you cannot accept or tolerate your spouse who got involved in substance abuse, human trafficking, etc. It is a fact that he is in jail now and no one could fault you for being unable to take him back. Bear in mind that he is still entitled to contest to divorce or reason for divorce, that he will have to come up with his defences.
 
hmm.. ok i understand now... anyway my lawyer just responded. she said wait till 6 dec then we will know how is it.
tks
 
hi,

Update... Need advice...

Last Friday, my lawyer called me up.. She said someone from a Church called her up said HIS Sisters want a copy of the DIVORCE LETTER I served to him...

Cos the lady said to get from prison would take a longer time so asked if my lawyer can release the letter to the sister a not.

I asked the lawyer, she said to give now or later the sisters get it from the prison is the same...

But the thing is i asked why her the sister want to get the divorce letter she said not sure perhaps they also want to get a lawyer...

My lawyer said somewhere in jan we go to court and IF HE tells the court that he does not have time to contest cos the sisters cannot get the letter. The judge will buy it...

THe thing now is should i allow my lawyer to give the copy of letter to HIS SISTERS> His sisters are pretty nasty people...

Pls kindly advise me I don't know what HE AND HIS SISTERS PLAN TO DO!
 
wouldn't know wat the sisters want to do. besides, there's no basis for refusal unless u're certain that the sisters are not given any authority to reject.

forget your feelings pls, we're talking legal here, how u feel, what u guess... is irrelevant so just stick to facts. and the facts of the past years work well for u to have a divorce...

follow your lawyer's advice else u're just procrastinating. just check if the sisters will be acting on his behalf.
 
the lawyer said she don't know what the sisters will be doing...

so u mean is good to release to them? they are quite nasty people
 
I would imagine that the sisters should be able to get a copy from their brother in prison if you have already served him the divorce letter.

And if they request for a copy, legally through some legal means like a lawyer or what, then probably you will need to release.. otherwise you may not need to release.

On the other hand, it is just a divorced letter so it wouldn't hurt too much to give them a copy if you do not want to be too confrontational

What can the sisters do with the letter?
 
Khim, I personally don't think it would cause any damage to you for your lawyer to release a copy of the paper to them. What can they do when they are not the respondent himself? Sure they can influence him but he nor the sisters can't block divorce. Your intention in divorce is already made known to the court while his response is pending. And it is only fair that the court looks at both sides of the story.
 
Can you all share with me the things you have done to move on after your divorce...and it help!

eg. a change in job/career...
pick up a new hobby...
do a course to upgrade/improve ourselves...
 
things like job change, new hobby or even change in appearance : like cutting your hair short when all the while it is long or keeping long hair when it is short.. or anything to change your physical being - they help to a certain extent - to help you divert your attention.

But ultimately, it is your mental attitude that is important. If you are willing to accept things as it is, it is much easier to move on and be happier
 
As i promise myself & my friends I will have a NEW 2009 - i will do it ... AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE!

1st step - NOT gg back to beg for reconciliation anymore ...

2nd step - i m thinking.......

Just to share my pal, M.....

This year she has went on to accept the love of a new guy, she divert most of her attention to the new relationship...They brought a new place, do up, and planning their future Together...

She told me it help a lot on her moving on and her divorce, it is getting lesser and lesser moment that she look back...
 
Hoilday Today so went to meet up with Melissa and she asked me: "

what do i have to say if she has MAKE USE OF HER this NEW GUY'S LOVE, CONCERN & CARE each day to help her forget her LOVE & DIVORCE of her ex... '

Cause at that time she really didn't know HOW to move on as she know she cannot let go ...BUT her hubby refuse to come back?

She choose to put & focus her attention on the guy WHO love and willing to accept and carry on NEW life with her...

DO you all think it is right??? Or this was a solution

As in my plight, I also don't know HOW to answer her...
 
I know I must accept the divorce and I m no longer important to your ex. But my heart is not listening. I have tried changing my appearance and I have keep myself very busy with new hobbies. Unfortunately, I got burnt out in the end. My friends told me I m trying to escape from reality. Can anyone advise what else can I do? Thanks.
 
Hi Blackforest,

i agree with simpleman. By changing our appearance, job or taking up new hobbies, they help to divert our attention which is good and positive but only to certain extent.

Mental attitude is more important in order for us to move on. Of course, it's easier said than done. I am still trying to get there.
 
Hi all,
I have started reading past postings on how people are coping with their marriage failure. I have finally found out what is my problem and have decided to keep reminding myself no matter how difficult is the road ahead I have to press on. The numbers of years together and the past good memories are no longer important, the most important thing right now is how am I going to live my life in future. Thank you for all the sharing, it really helps.
 
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