Need advice on my divorce and start on a new life ahead

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wkg30

New Member
Hi all, I am new here. I have been reading on and off this site. I really need advice from you people. I got married abt 5 to 6 years ago. After 6 months married, I found out HE committed adultery with CHINA women...

So I got him out of the house since then.. On and off he will called me.. So we talked very briefly.. I was waiting for him to repent and he went more deeply. As we are both chrisitans.. He went into drug, human trafficking, etc.. and he was thrown into prison in Overseas and Singapore

I didn't file for divorce or separtation. As I have no place to stay on.. So I am still staying at the Flat that we bought both. I paid for most of it and he only paid $5K from his CPF. Btw, he is 17 yrs my senior...

We have not been living for 4 yrs to 5 yrs plus..
I went on with my life.. I wanted to end my life then BUT I was saved.. It took me a long time to stand up again...

Finally last year, I got to know a GUY.. He is a nice guy and we have decided to settle down.


However, my divorce is not done yet.. So recently I went to See HIM in the prison. I told him I am filing for DIvorce..

But it seems he is not agreeable... I met my lawyer. She said so long u guys have not been sleeping togehter for 4 yrs.. We can file that to divorce.. DIVORCE GROUND 0n not staying for 4 YEARS>> something like 4 yrs separation...

N she said depends if HE CONTEST to it.. But I don't know if he can CONTEST a not.. Cos my lawyer said HE should not be able to CONTEST>>> but yet she is not sure..

SO HOW SHOULD I GO ABT IT? I am planning to settle down end next year... The lawyer told me we can go to court somewhere in APril if HE does not CONTEST... but again she said see how first..

Now we already submitted our divorce to the COURT>

WHAT can be done? and When can i really divorce HIM?
 


Hi Khim, is your bf aware of your background?

What your lawyer said is probably true. I think what she is trying to say is that your spouse is entitled to contest to the divorce even though he has little ground to do so being locked away for more than four years and not having discharged his responsibilities and duties as husband.

You have done your part in informing your husband of your wish to dissolve the marriage and filing your divorce petition. My advice for you would be to plan your marriage to your bf after you settle the divorce with your husband, to give yourself an easier time.
 
hi doll..

i am glad that you have responded to me. I read some of yr response with others. U have given very good advice..

ok, i understand he has little ground to do so. the thing is since we have been living apart for the past 4 to 5 years.. on and off he called but he never want to repent his life.. i was very much in love with him them so i waited till last year... he was doing funny things etc.. selling drugs, fighting, jailed in overseas and singapore.. on and off... finally early last year he was being caught so he is now with singapore prison.

my lawyer said we could do it unreasonable behavior however she said since we have been living apart for 4 years so we do it NOT LIVING FOR 4 YEARS.. she said it would be easier too.. i am not sure if it would really be easier..

since last year, i told HIM a few times i would be divorcing him.. finally 1 month ago i went to see the lawyer.. i got a shocked cos she charge pretty exp... she charge $3500 only for her service.. stamp fees etc $400.. getting someone to see HIM inside another fee.. ok, no choice i give in to her.. i paid her some money. i heard she is quite good... so long she can get it done. i am fine with it and i would thank her..

but i have a funny feeling.. cos she said if HE CONTEST.. i would have to charge u like $5K to $8K... i kept quiet...

i only pray that HE would agree.. but again when i visited him in prsion last month i told him abt the divorce... it seems he does not want.. he said GOD wants us to be together.. GOSH.. i told him LOOK>>> many months back.. i already told u i am going to divorce u.. I even got an elder in church to see HIM and the elder also told HIM I AM NOT WAITING FOR HIM.

the thing now is he wants me elder to see him.. GOSH! for what? HE is just trying to be funny with my elder IN Church... I think what he is trying to do is.. when he is out.. he will make use of my elder words said OH LOOK>> this elder encourage people to get divorce...

whatever it is.. is me who wants a DIvorce with HIM. he is really thick skin! fooling around for so many years now in prison and he wants to be back with me? gosh... I do not want to be with him.. he slept with countless women

my bf does not know i am not divorce yet.. he thought i have divorced already... cos i have been staying alone in the FLAT since HE and i been apart since 4 to 5 years ago..

I hold on to the marriage not because i love HIM but cos i have no place to stay...

my bf is a very decent man.. i do not wish to miss this chance. i have suffered so much in the past.. i want a new start

but i am afraid HE does not want to release me as when HE is out.. he can't depend on anyone.. so HE would come to me .. which I DON"T WANT AT ALL. I HAVE ENOUGH!

u said HE can CONTEST, now he is in prison.. may i know on what reasons HE might contest? and how is he going to do it?

we are planning to buy a flat but can't cos this flat is still under HIS AND my name.. so my bf and i got to hold on.. we can't do anything as i told my bf wait till my flat is being sold..

when can i really be divorced if HE contest? and on what ground can he contest? and how is he going to do it? btw, he keeps asking if i am seeing others? I feel like telling HIM off cos all these years HE IS sleeping around.. WHO is HE TO ASK me this?

anyone i didn't want to answer HIS answer cos i am afriad if i tell HIM, he will be funny. now the thing is if HE contest, how can i counter attack back? according to my lawyer, she said we can change it to unreasonable behavor... but again i am not sure if she is telling me the truth...
cos first she told me $3500 is everything.. now she said is only her service charged..

so what can i do?

Btw, he would be out in 2010 jan. If he contest, do u think i can get my divorce out then?

I am not asking any single cents from him.. As for the flat, i have been paying so i am asking all the profits to come back to me. his cpf to return to him

what would happen if he does not agree? what should i do? can the court just approve it? or what? or will the court decide how much to give or what? i really don't want HIM to have a single profile as I paid close to $80k of his debts in the past. HE used my credit cards.. etc.. bank draft which i allowed him before i found out HE slept with OTHERS

really very troubled..

never meet a good hubby yet giving me so much problem.. cant' start a new life ahead. i am sick of it..

btw, my bf and i are very cleared.. we never get into sex for your inform. cos we are both christians..

HE does not know abt my bf as i am afraid he might do things funny. or should i tell HIM i have a bf? which is which?

Pls help me

thanks a lot
 
hi Khim,

seek a 2nd opinion from another lawyer in terms of Procedure and Process. it's very impt to get the right steps when approaching cases tat are abit more complicated. however, i do agree with your lawyer tat the 4yrs apart makes a much better reason... - rem tat your priority is to cut the ties, Not vindication.

in terms of tying up/cutting away loose ends, Always rem that THAT is the priority... whether or not u get any form of emotional vindication is beside the point, and secondary. stay focused... Getting divorced from a difficult spouse requires focus and patience... the process is draining and tough so be prepared. what u've gotta do is to keep looking beyond the rough seas and at the rainbows ahead.

i dun have much precedents for u in terms of what u should do, just hope u stay strong cos u need that.

take care
 
oh ya, Pls dun tell your hubby nmor offer him information freely. anything u say can and Will be used against u if things get ugly... so PLS, dun volunteer information without speaking to your lawyer... u might end up complicating things even if your intention is to help.
 
Khim

Please allow me to make it very clear upfront that this is NOT legal advice. I am not in the legal profession and I am only sharing my personal views.

I am just guessing, that your husband may contest to the divorce by citing the fact that the four-year separation was not intended on his part; being locked away and separated from you was never his choice nor intention.

Since you have already filed your divorce with the court, perhaps you should just wait to see what he comes back with before deciding what to do next?
 
thanks powerer and doll..

i understand u are not from the legal side however i find u are very righteous and i like that kind of spirit.. those points u gave were good. i mentioned yr advice are good not just legal advice..
 
hi powder

if i were to go to another lawyer, i have to pay again? will this end up paying alot? my lawyer is seeing HIM this friday.. i really hope things turn out well..

pretty upset
 
powder,

4yrs apart makes a much better reason... - rem tat your priority is to cut the ties, Not vindication.

may i know why? what if he contest? how can i counter attack?
 
Khim,

yes u have to pay but more for consultation. sometimes pple go to frens who are in legal profession, but this is tough becos each case is unique and u might end up with a fren who has to get alot of details and spend time checking for u - for free. whether expensive is subjective... cos i personally dun mind paying for legal advice tat has good backing n precedents.

u have to take it 1 step at a time. your primary focus is to take the 1st step, and let your lawyer guide u.

i dun entertain 'what if' questions becos it wastes Alot of time, Cause alot of mental anguish, and Does nothing constructive. tat's why u have a Lawyer... to worry and brainstorm for u... neither u nor me can have a better idea of how to go abt with the legal framework in mind... so Why worry when u're Not qualified to worry?
 
Khim, you have paid up in full to your lawyer?

For second opinion, I am not entirely sure but you can try approaching either the Singapore Association of Women Lawyers or Family Service Centres. I heard they give free legal counsel there. If you want it fast, then you may consider paying for legal consultation to another lawyer but you need not engage his/her services.

On your question what you could do if he does contest, I believe there will be divorce mediation to attempt settlement as well as a pre-trial conference. If no settlement is reached by then, the parties will go before the judge. After hearing both parties, the judge will rule. If he/she is satisfied that the marriage has irretrievably broken down, you will be granted the interim divorce cert. But since your husband is a convict serving jail term now, I don't know if you two will follow this normal process of contested divorces.

I agree with Powder that, at this point, you should just wait and see what pans out from the session between your lawyer and him on Friday.
 
hmm.. thanks poweder.. i will see how it goes then after this friday as the lawyer is seeing HIM.

thanks alot and i appreciate!
 
keep your mind off the 'wandering' questions... it's hard but not impossible. non-productive stuff... u will get your divorce eventually, it's just a matter of When. so u know u can get there... leave the hastening to the lawyer and the judge... no need to "what if".

i guarantee u'll get your divorce.
 
doll..
i have paid her 1k so far.. n $500 every month..

if i want it fast.. i seek for legal consultantation? u mean i just ask them questions get the answers and feedback to my lawyer so she can do a better job or what?

ok, i will check Singapore Association of Women Lawyers next week after my lawyer sees HIM this friday.

my lawyer ever said if HE contest we might need to change to unreaonable behavoir.. so does that mean the whole thing will prolong again?

if so, how long would it be before the wrap up?
as i am planning end of next year to settle down.
times flies very fast, i am afraid i can't get marry then

power...
what do u think? i know don't need if but quite of worry u see

i don't want to miss this good guy

my lawyer said if he contest change to unreasonable behavoir she is going to charge me $5K to $8K

mine only HDB no flat.. how come so EXP?
 
i see no rush in your current relationship... any impact of your status or hubby is something psychological for u, which u should deal with logically.

if u're gonna be with your bfren, then nobody can stop u... except your own worries... which seems to be the main problem.

u will be divorced - just a matter of time.

u are already with your guy, if wanna marry him - just a matter of time.

there is nothing now tat requires u to be urgent, although it's your lawyer who will have to get all the facts sorted out...
 
"if i want it fast.. i seek for legal consultantation? u mean i just ask them questions get the answers and feedback to my lawyer so she can do a better job or what?"

Noooooo, that wasn't what I meant.

If you want a second opinion fast, you probably can't go for free consultations at the Singapore Association of Women Lawyers Family Service Centres. Their consultations are by appointment, and since it's free, I could imagine that the queue is long.

I don't have an answer to your question about how long it would take for a contested divorce to conclude. I guess it will depend on how soon a settlement can be reached between the parties. This is not something you should fret over now and lose your focus. The process is tough and it takes time, but you will get a divorce eventually.
 
Powder, Khim is eager to settle divorce because her bf wants to settle down with her by end 2009, thinking that she has already divorced but hasn't sold the flat yet.

Khim, why you did not reveal to your bf that you are separated from your husband and getting a divorce soon since the separation has just reached four years? Wouldn't it be easier to tell the truth.
 
i didn't think of that. however i can always explain to my bf. i blieve he is ok with that. cos he knows i don't live with HIM for 4 to 5 years already...

we can wait is ok but i just want it to be done soon loh..

cos i am also no young already 30... u see
and he is doing to be 38 soon

so we hope to settle soon loh
 
Eh, please lah. My divorce was approved shortly after my 36th birthday. You are only 30, where got old?

Please go and explain to your bf about your situation. If he is as good as you have made him out to be, he should be able to understand. No need to suffer from anxiety unnecessarily.
 
thing is, that constitutes as w 'want', not a 'need'... and legally the issues have to be sorted out nomatter wat u want.

for such matters, emotions/feelings have to take a backseat nomatter how bitter u can feel abt the system. i've been thru this so many times with my frens... u can cry, shout, ask for vindication, ask mp to help, ask this ask that... it just doesn't help.

focus on the divorce, ensure tat your steps are a direct passage, dun screw it up by telling husband too many info which he can use against u. Get the divorce then move on!

solution, not vindication and wishing this wishing that... u can wish all u want and restart your life after u get the D. it's just the way things are and will be for now. Focus... tat's all i'm saying...

tat's why i keep re-iterating to leave emotions out. i've gone thru enough in life to say that u have to be cold and just carry out the deed. u can reap the joys later... Focus...

i didn't climb out of huge financial debts by wishing this and that. i just worked and focused on making as much money as i can... i've said so many times not to concentrate on those Emo stuff... yes, can't help it. but when u realise it's just gonna drag the amount of time to get out... u realise u're just wasting time being emo.

lastly, Always be honest and truthful. dun let things backfire...

all the best.
 
ignore Sg Love lah. it's just someone advertising for a website. pple like tat aren't interested in your personal issues, they are more interested in their own agenda.
 
update... the lawyer went to see him today but he said no to everything.. what should i do next? the lawyer said he has 21 days to respond.. What is going to happen next? Pls advise...
 
Khim, after reading your posts, I do have a concern. Nothing to do with legal matters as I'm not in this line but more for your safety. Will your ex create trouble for you after his release from prison? From your posts, it looks like he will. For your safety, you might want to consider moving house, changing your phone nos. etc. before his release. How about your mum's place? Does he know where your mum lives? I don't know whether I'm too paranoid but this is a thought that came to me. Perhaps I've read too many of such cases in the papers. Your ex looks like he is the type who is capable of doing ANYTHING and that is a rather scary thought. Take care.
 
Khim, perhaps you may wish to check with your lawyer when it would be an appropriate time for you to file divorce based on unreasonable behaviour?

On top of my mind I can already think of some kinds of unreasonable behaviours displayed by your husband. Even if he contests the divorce, he can slow it down but he can't block it.
 
Hi Powder,

I can fully understand your good intention and what you have said is always a REMINDER i gave myself

I also do not want to keep giving myself excuses to be emotional and don't move on and to grieve on the same spot Every day!

BUT frankly it is not that easy, it really depend how deep the relationship have been or was...

What has the couples gone though before...

AND till now I can said my hubby has just bury his time in his work after ending our marriage

He is able to CAUSE all along his biz and career is his TOP priority

BUT for me IT IS our family, my home - something which I have put my whole heart&soul for the last 10 years, my efforts, my priority and my everyhings...

It doesn't depend on what level we are in...sometime it is just that diffcult to let it go and move on

1 of my friend who is a CEO, took him 2 years to not do anythings, to get over his divorce

AND another biz friend, stop all his work for 1 years and went away...

Marriage failure is not something we can face bravely for some of us.
 
miko,

You have been posting on/off regarding about letting go and also how difficult it is.

And I find that you are always telling yourself that it is not easy and it is tough and gave yourself reasons why it is not easy - long years together, the love that was so great etc etc etc.. but seriously if you are always in this mode of thinking, always thinking it is difficult - it will be indeed difficult.

The first step of letting go is to believe that it can be done and you must BELIEVE 100% that it can be done..

Self-doubts is always self-fulfilling.

What has got a CEO to do with getting over a divorce?

And all your sentences are putting psychological barrier to stopping you from moving on...

So, tell yourself it is not that difficult to move on.. and it will be much easier.
 
sm, if you had notice as well that she seems to delight in posting about divorce cases; be it her own or her frens or god know who...ALL DIVORCES STORIES...

So what does that says about her mentality?

And all she does is harp on and on and on about divorce; her pains; about how hard it is move on; on how other people are suffering...all just to justify her still feeling miserable...

To me...I feel it's a WASTE OF OUR TIME talking to her and advicing her...

People like her wants to STAY IN THE PIT OF MISERY...she refuses to get out of the pit simply because she thought that to do so means that she will have to finally face the fact that she had nothing in life to look forward to...so to her, that pain and suffering, the darkness of her life in the bottom of the pit is something that she clings on desperately to; to feel alive...to feel wanted by people who walk pass the pit offering her a helping her to get out from the bottom...THAT GESTURE...to her is her way of feeling alive and wanted...and so she chose to stay down in the bottom; looking forward to people offering to help...and refusing to get out just so that she can feel wanted...

Little did she realise that by climbing out of the pit that she's in...there's another world out there...a bright and colorful world which can provides her with other options besides staying in darkness and misery.

Maybe to her; by staying in depression means that attention and care will still be showered on her by her frens; people in this forum...attention and caring that had gone missing since her divorce...I feel that she takes some perverse delight in basking in all these attention...

She must have felt like a character in a melodrama Korean love serial...

Can I suggest we don't give 2 hoots about what she have to say from now on?
I feel we are doing her more harm by indulging her in her "oh-I'm-so-pitiful" state...

I see no help to her in extending a helping hand when she keeps slapping them away...
Let her climb out of the pit BY HERSELF...

Only when she's out. That's when other people can step in and point her to other paths...
 
powderful,

You do have a point.. but you see I am a kind man and I try to be patient..

Maybe she need you to slap her to wake her up..
 
powderful can do her a favour... marry her and get her out of her misery.. :P

actually miko wrote abt this CEO story before.. this is the 2nd time i am hearing it from her. not sure if i can find the thread any more. think she still need to let out and justify her actions la. she should start blogging man. maybe it helps..
 
I think 2 years is a long time for someone to at least take a small step forward...

And not stay in the same spot like what miko is doing...

Kind and patient I may be...
(cue: eyes rolling all over the world)

But there's still a limit to how much kindness and patience that can be offered...before we all get turned off by her antics...
The question now is...will we see her again moaning and suffering after CNY?
Very likely so...
 
miko,

"something which I have put my whole heart&soul for the last 10 years, my efforts, my priority and my everyhings..."
- 10yrs ++ and still counting. actually i do meet pple who have been retrenched from work who keep telling me how much effort they put in, how many years they've given to their companies... honestly, should there be a Reward?

"1 of my friend who is a CEO, took him 2 years to not do anythings, to get over his divorce"
- u ever thought the 2yrs is more becos he doesn't wanna make the same mistake AGAIN? rather than wallowing?

"AND another biz friend, stop all his work for 1 years and went away..."
- like a sabaticle? u're attributing all these to Getting Over becos it's the only logical reason to u. actually got alot of reasons... i also stayed bachelor for awhile after breaking up... but it's not becos i couldn't get over. i get over in like 2 weeks.

u call it "Marriage failure", i call it a "process in life, part and parcel of life."

wish u all the best.
 
latino,

I am not interested in her CEO story.. just questioning the relevance of a CEO.. she seems to imply that if a CEO can't get over a failed marriage easily.. then we all should also be tortured by failed marriage?

She seems to be just finding excuses and reasons so that we can continue to "find it hard to let go"

Actually I am normally very patient but I do a bit impatient with her constant on/off posting and repeating "letting go is tough" mantra
 
sm,

Nothing wrong with the CEO finding it hard to get over...the KEY POINT here is that the CEO DID GET OVER IT...even if it takes one or 2 years...that is progress made

She didn't make any progress AT ALL...and remains in the same miserable and self-pity state that she is 2 freaking years ago...
It was a bad example that she brought up...she thought that by bringing up someone important like a CEO; it justify her being in her current plight...She forgot that a CEO is also a human...it doesnt matter at all if he is a CEO, road sweeper, janitor or whoever...it does not matter what you WORK AS...it's how you deal with your emotions and how much you want to move on and let go that matters...

Only serves to make her look more silly...
 
Hello all,

I am going through the whole trauma of a potential divorce in the works.

All this while, I have tried to be strong and emotionally detached from my situation, to look at the situation objectively. In truth, I am finding it so difficult.

To cut a long story short, I got married 5 years ago, and 3 years ago went overseas for work. All this while, I was dissatisfied with my marriage - nagging doubts from day 1, but all this came into sharp focus when I met my best friend and soulmate.

I had an emotional affair for nearly 2 years. I realised all this while I treat my husband as a brother. We used to hold hands etc out of habit but I was frequently angry inside, we didn't communicate and even before I went away our sex life was infrequent.

I know I cannot run away forever so I packed up my belongings and returned to Singapore just over a week ago to try and see what I can do about the situation. I mentioned to him that I do love someone else, and have found real happiness. We had a discussion and realised that both of us married for the wrong reasons.

My parents are putting a lot of pressure on me to patch up with him, ask me to forget my friend, give my husband more respect, a chance, go counselling etc. They refused to believe I had been unhappy for the last 7 years and that I married for wrong reasons.

I see my husband's tears - in all our 7 years I had never seen him cry till now. He has always been good to me and my family. Does things for us. But I don't love him that way. I feel guilty for wanting out, I feel guilty for not being able to respond to his gestures.

I thought maybe I have a responsibility to give us a chance, an obligation. But the thought of us possibly being intimate at some point makes me want to vomit. I cannot stand any physical contact with him.

When I was last back in Singapore for a week long visit, I forced myself to hold his hand. FORCED.

Maybe I am asking for it. I've been crying for 2 long months when overseas, when I was preparing to come back. And the last week is just hell.

How long will I take to get over this and make the correct decision? I want to be happy but I am also afraid to lose my family in the process. My family tells me to give up my friend. But how do I give up the only soulmate I've ever had?

I want to be happy and get over this trauma. I really do. I really really really do. Someone, talk some sense into me.

I'm forcing myself to eat, drink, get some rest, and job hunt at the same time. It is torturous. But at least I have a job offer on the cards, after one week of searching. That is the only one bright spot.

I miss my friend so much. I have never been emotional, never felt this much pain in my life. Nearly $100K debt I cleared myself, without uttering a word to anyone in my family. Why oh why is this such a stumbling block?
 
Veiled, u & ur hub made a mistake in marrying. Correct tat mistake & move on. U hv already emotionally divorced urself from ur hub. Wat's stopping u from making it official? It is impossible to do so wifout hurting anyone. It is impossible to be emotionally prepared for a divorce. Even when it is something u hv decided on, the impact will probably hit u full in the face again as u go thru the process. Not easy being rational in handling an emotional relationship. U're holding on well. Think of it tis way. U hv to hit rock bottom b4 appreciating happiness again. I wish u all the best.
 
Veiled,

if you really want to try to give the marriage a chance, then you u need to give it space and time. No intimacy or sparks can be forced.

To divorce or not, its really your decision. It takes 2 to wed but only 1 to break it. Not standing from any moral stand, its really pointless going thr the motion when your heart is not even there to make it work.
 


I think there are 2 issues at hand. Don't confuse the two.

First, settle with your hb. If there is no love, do him and yourself a favour by breaking-up. Your hb may be hurt but it is better to hurt him now than later. The longer it drags, it more painful it will be. Be the "bad guy" - break-it-up. Don't worry about your family... they will understand in the long run..

But remember your breaking up with you hb has nothing to do with your friend. He may be your soul-mate for now, he may be the one you miss for now.. but still you need to settle the issue with your hb first. And then you will see what the future will bring
 
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