Need advice about divorced parents

[djpuan]

Hi,

My parents are divorced and current my FW and me are planning on how to host a wedding dinner/announcement. My dad is remarried with a foreign wife and my mum hates his wife. She insisted that his wife must not attend as it will cause us to 'lose face'. We have already told her we don't really mind as we have interacted with her several times over dinner with dad. My dad also insisted that if I were to invite my mum to the wedding dinner, he will not be attending. And my FW now insisted she wants a combined ROM + Wedding dinner. Now the problem arises...

I can foresee a few scenarios which will definitely not turn out good.

Scenario 1: ROM + Wedding dinner (Same day)
Mum will definitely attend and most likely dad and his wife will (will join in eventually even though he insisted he won't). Awkward situations will occur during the ceremony. Mum and dad will be at separated tables, and both will insist on us sitting with them (very positive). Dad will be trying to spite mum with hit wife (it happens when they meet, occurred a few times), mum will be extremely irritated and some 'aunty's suaning' will occur which may trigger retaliation from paternal and maternal sides. When the toasting begins, Dad will definitely bring his wife on stage and mum will insist on her not being there. Atmosphere will be extremely awkward, no one will enjoy the dinner. I am very positive that this will happen as my parents will go into berserk mode when they meet each other.

Scenario 2: ROM + Wedding dinner (Same day)
Either parents will not attend. My FW and me will feel sad and may regret not receiving both their blessings. Relationship with the parent not attending will sour and things may no longer be the same.

Scenario 3: ROM Dinner (Day 1) + Wedding dinner (Day 2)
Having ROM, tea ceremony and dinner with paternal family + FW family. Making it a very small group of about 15 pax. having the ROM followed by tea ceremony then dinner together as a new family.
Wedding dinner will be inviting maternal family with FW family. Traditional events will be in place like walk-in, toastings etc. Paternal family will not be involved in this dinner. I am really favoring this option but as i mentioned earlier, my FW somehow still insisted on a combined event.

I am really starting to tire out from these. It is very difficult to accommodate 3 families with things each of them one and not compromising. I hope to seek some advice from this forum. If anyone have experiences like this, how do you resolve it peacefully? How do I make everyone happy at the end of the day?

 

[bluefire1983]

Scenario 1 sounds like something out a soap opera, I'm sure you wouldn't want that. Scenario 2 would be a bit sad if both your parents didn't attend.

Your scenario 3 sounds good actually, not sure why your fiancee is not keen - I assume for the ROM it is just her immediate family (parents, siblings) and not the whole ching gang of her relatives, since you mentioned only 15 pax. It is common for couples to hold separate ROM and traditional banquet dinner, anyway.

If your mum is OK to be excluded for the tea ceremony, and your dad and paternal relatives are OK to be excluded from the main wedding dinner, then scenario 3 seems the best option. And of course you need to convince your fiancee... just "scare" her that the wedding banquet will almost certainly be ruined by your parents fighting and everyone will just remember the drama. As a soon-to-be bride, I can testify that nothing is more terrifying than the prospect of something upstaging my wedding!!!

 

[carbmonster]

1. Remind your fiancée that the wedding is a celebration for both of you. She has no right to independently insist on anything. Highlight to her the extreme consequences of scenario 1 as you've mentioned.

2. Have a pre-wedding meeting with your mom and dad without dad's new wife. Politely but firmly let them know that your wedding marks the beginning of your future together with your fiancée as a new family. Bring it very clearly to their attention that whatever their opinions of each other, it is highly disrespectful to the new couple if they were to ruin it for you. Tell them sincerely that you value your relationship with them each and would very much love to keep the relationship healthy but that this would be impossible if they were to deliberately ruin your wedding out of spite. Some harsh words may be required. At the end of the day make sure your parents know you love them but that you won't tolerate bad behaviour from them.

I'm trying to figure out what to do with my parents as well. They don't get along but are still married. I haven't gotten along with my father since I was a teenager but don't want to cause an irreversible break in the relationship if I don't invite him.

Have you thought of eloping? Haha