My boss and a collegue behaving strangely

D

doggielove

New Member
hi everyone
is my firt time in the forum.. just wanna to seek advice from everyone as i been bothered by co-colleagues and boss issue.

i was just assign to this new team for a project task, Initially everythign was very blissful. my female boss is nice and my only male colleague also very nice and friednly. so later about 2 mths later, another female more senior colleague join our team. at first we all dont really like her becos she is very fussy with everything thinking she is very senior and been in the company for very long. so me and the other colleagues try to avoid her and we din even ask her for lunch.

but after a while i feel bad that we all been treting her this way since she just posted from oversea and she doesnt have much frens. so i decide to be nicer and start to invite her lunch with my this male collegue. but this male colleuge quite sarcastically infront of me will say "good luck" or u"take care hor".. and then he walk off. since i think he deosnt like the lady collegue, so i jsut try to accompany this lady collegue for lunch.

occassionally our female boss will ask us all lcunh, so this guy collegue bo bian, he cant of course decline but sometime he will make a sarcaastic comment to my boss hinting that this lady collegue very fussy and creted a lot of unncessary probs. and my boss would just smile and just causlaly say to him dont be so mean..

but lately, i start to notice my female boss started to lunch wif him and even stop asking me and my female colleuge. actually i dont reall mind cos all along i dont really lcunh wif my boss but my lady collegue usually will lunch wif my boss as i always have my lunch kaki. and now my female collegue day in day out keep complaining to me how come my female boss beahving weirdly and even the male collegue also avodiing her.

i tell her that why not she make the initiative to invite my boss out and she did. she told me when she ask my boss lunch, my boss reply saying she lunching wif the guy collegue but din even invite her.
i was quite tired and bothered by her incessant complaints daily as firstly, i dnt wish to be involve in the company politics, secondly, i dont wish to take side as i feel that i got good working relations with my boss and my guy collegue, thirdly, i want to be professional and just want to do my job well and goback home ontime. 4. and my this lady colleges always make me feel bad when she always say my boss ignore "US". she always drag me into the pic and always say that "We" instead of "herself"..

this is kinda affecting me cos i think its very toxic to hear someone keep complaining to u daily aboutt the boss and male collegue.
and i also notice my boss really stop asking both of us and gg witht the guy. and occasionally i try to aks the guy want to lunch bt the guy will just say he got lunch apt, but infact he is lunching wif my boss. so im thinking what the big deal why cant invite all the team members together insted of just themselve.

any advice?
 


go back to basics... wat's the purpose of this company to u? wat's your function in this company? from there - work on your emotions... honestly u should not be overly affected though i understand where u're coming from.

your decision to be nice to the new colleague has affected the dynamics tat u once had with the male colleague. u had been forewarned tat he doesn't like her and he made a decision to avoid both of u altogether now, and if the boss is now his kaki... well the 2 groupies can't be one.

i know it's harder cos u know both ends and now u're forced by their view - to be with this other groupie, but tat's just the way it is.

if u wanna address this asap, then good luck, it won't happen. but u can address this in the long run, and u can address this such tat u'll Never ever have lunching problems ever again - just be Yourself and never be identified with any groupie. the problem with office dynamics is that pple normally have preferred lunching partners... does not mean they dun like others, but it's Who u're comfortable having lunch with. in this case they are not comfortable having lunch with Her, and perhaps now You as well. live with it.

your decision and opinion that "what the big deal why cant invite all the team members together" is Your opinion. u see it that way becos it works for u... unfortunately, u need them to see it tat way rite? so unless u confront and get your answer - u also LL rite? so why bother.

be yourself, never identify with any groups in office... cos u will be identified with their 'pattern' which is typically negative rite?
 
Jie Ling,
I wouldn't let myself be bothered with this who-lunch-with-who matter in the office. It's not constructive to our well-being at work. Just focus on your work duties, be neutral, and don't bother about others' personal stuff so much.
happy.gif
Why give yourself extra headache?
 
For me first come first serve basis. Who jio first I eat with who lor. Don't go and be bothered by who don't like who and blah blah blah afterall, it's just lunch. Can eat by myself anyway.
 
oh i always lunch alone miserably. I always lunch together with myself, my pouch and my hp. Oh did i seems to act or behave strangely with my hp and pouch?
 
"lol.. Kenny u kesiao again ah.."

Sometimes life is too boring without friends to joke with especially old man like me, need love and care.
 
Jie Ling,
Perhaps now u know why people dun want to lunch with her in the first place. Cos they know her pattern liao.
You have the right to tactfully let her know that her complaining is not healthy and not helping her. If not, just tune out when she starts complaining.
Life is too short and work too stressful to allow such things to stress u out further...
 
Later i am going to eat $2 rice at my workplace, anyone wanna join me? Oic, my hp and my pouch will also be there to join in my lunch.
 
hello everyone

at first, i also really cant tahan this new collegue becos she just so fussy and so "queen" pattern. expect we all to give in to her. but after a while i realise that the worst enemy is not her. ANd the worst person is actually the guy collegue who goes around telling and badmouthing her. i think this is really very bad and mean. and my this male collegue, somemore being a guy so petty and so Kay po goes round to other collegues and telling them stories how i was being victimised by this new collegue.

i felt it was really funny. i ws being victimized yet i din complaint and why he goes ard telling pple the story. so everytime someone see me and will say poor thing..

anyway i now dont bother about them. if my new collegue keep complaining why my boss and the male collegue avoid her, i will just shrug my shoulder and i dont wish to comment more. I dont want to come across to anybody im being the political, kay po person as i just want to get my job done and go home on time. its very toxic to keep getting posion remarks.

and im also feeling fustrated that why my boss started to take side. i used to admire and think hihgly of her that she is being fair and just. and just becos a male collegue comment about my new collegue make her decide to stand on the guy side??? and she chose to form alliance with this guy by deciding to lunch on their own and instead of asking my new collegue or me along.
for me i never join my boss for lunch so its fine for me.. but now i feel that i endedup with the burden of taking care of the new collegue since the rest decide to abandon her..

i tot we all adults liao why still so childish and form clicks.... im the youngest in the team. my new collegue is 42yr old, my boss also 42 and hte guy is 38. and im only 29. shouldnt they all behave in a more adult and mature ways of handling matters and somemore we all in same team.. where the team spirit.
 
and i think how a team spirt and culture will evolve really depend how the leader in the team lead. if the boss exude a caring and strong bond spirit, im sure everyone in the team will feel the same and react in the same way. but if the boss start to form alliance and take side, how do u expect the stafss below will follow.

i guess here im feeling disappointed how my boss react to the situation. instead of helping to resolve the situation but she take to take side with the guy. it make me feel more right about woman as a boss got emotional feeling cant really be fair and just.

pardon me if there any lady boss, i been working for male bosses all my work life except only this job, my first female boss.
 
Sometimes... we look too much for our bosses for direction. True, a good boss is important. But what's more important is the support of the team. Ask ourselves, why are waiting to someone to take leadership?
 
how u see your boss and what they are actually doing can be 2 different worlds...

most time, employees dun see things correctly...
 
hiazz.... anyway, i already come to term, no matter how i try to bridge the gap, if the male collegue so petty cant forgive or forget... and if he so immature and think becos i treat the new collegue nice and he think im not alliance with him, there really nothign i can do either right?
i can be alliance with him by supporting him whatever he say bad about my other colleuges and being nasty to my new collegues, but where the conscious?
i cant bring myself to do such thing just becos of wanting to be popular or becos to get close to boss.. if anybody see that nobody will ever respect that.

and my male collegue can do this to my new college, maybe who know one day i offended him without knowingly it and he will treat me too.

so i just being netural lor. if he chose to distance himself from me n new collegue and try to get my boss to side with him, then just too bad lor. as long as im being professional, do my job produce result, and be a nice collegue, everyone can tell right..

hopefully i can remind myself daily to always be a nice and helpful collegue and treat other nicer
happy.gif
 
u seem overly bothered... should learn to let things go... the world will not function the way u want it and your ideals mean nothing to how the world will continue to function... tat's reality.
 
doggielove,

Just smile and let things be. YOu don't know what is between them and it is better not to speculate or guess how people will behave.

As long as you act professionally and do your job, don't bother too much.
 
Sometimes at work, you need to close and open one eye. Being too busybody does not get you anywhere, just prove your capability at work is most important.
 
ya i agree. i trying to let go and take things easy. i occasionally met up a few collegues for lunch and we just laugh it off over lunch.

hello Powder, earlier u mean jie dao sha ren-
what that mean? are u referring to my guy college?
 
I'm DOLL. I was the one who said your male colleague "jie dao sha ren".

Anyway, don't be affected by what's happening in your department and not to get involved in "corridor talks". You can get along well with everyone without joining any camps. Who knows, the wind direction may change soon. Group dynamics is simply, dynamic.

Some people feel safer and more secure if they can identify with a group. But I tell you that you don't have to.

There are nine of us in the department and we are in a near-3000 strong company. I don't have fixed partners for breakfast, lunch or teabreaks. I go with anyone, but that doesn't mean I don't have preference over certain people whom I get along better.
 
hello doll
i been working in the workforce like only 5 yrs. not really long. and this is my 3rd job. but i noticed that everybody seems to be form their own gang for whatever purpose. whether for lunch or tea break. i used to work in a department where there is only myself and my male boss and my male boss normally dont lunch wif me thus i always be left alone in the company esp im only a single person in this department. occassioanly i join other collegues for lunch but becos im not their lunch kaki, usually they will make their plans and sometimes they headed off lunch and i also din know. by the time i look for them they were all GONE! sometime i feel abit pathetic too. and i just feel so sian that everyday i got to look out for them to make sure they dont miss me out or hunt ard for pple for lunch.

thus when i move into this new company where i had 4 immediate collegues, i tot things are better. initially things are fine but dont know what happenign my guy collegue so gossipy and goes ard talking bad of my this lady colllegue. sometime it just scare me that if one day i offended him without knowing, he also goes ard also say bad things abt me too..

so i guess i got to learn to be more independent.

Doll, can u share wif me how u actually join other collegues for lunch, i mean usually they wont ask or intiate to invite u since u not their regular lunch kaki or they may even assume u lunchign wif others..

i sometime feel so paiseh or thickskin to join other pple grp.
 
I have been working for 10 yrs. In my previous job, we were a big group for lunch. We clicked simply cos most are around the same batches and we felt more comfortable with pple around the same age groups.

In my current workplace, there is no gang for me. I have coffee break with colleagues and team mates especially when working together for some projects or task-forces, I would offer to lunch together.

But mainly, I lunch with my mum. Since I'm not staying with her. Lunch is the short time I talk and interact with her daily. Spend sometime to show her stuffs online and coach her with WWW. It keeps me connected with her even if its 30-45 mins daily.

Occasionally, I do lunch with colleages. Normally for special events like bdays, welcome/farewell parties or when some teams from other regions come over. I never see the real need to form lunch kakis. If there is a group that u r comfortable with, by all means, lunch with them. And if there isn't, what's the issue?
 
Jie Ling, I can't answer your question because I'm kinda like Milo except that I don't lunch with my mom as she's busy taking care of my nephew. I use my lunch time to run errands, shop, go for my pedicure, get a haircut, read, surf the Net or catch a nap. From time to time I will do lunch with some colleagues or even friends. It all depends. Nothing is fixed for me. I am flexible.
 
jie ling,

i think u can try to be nice to ur colleagues like buying breakfast or just sharing some cute/special biscuits w them. or why dun u try to help order some delivery for everyone? once ur colleagues see tt u r so friendly and nice, i think they will initiate asking u out for lunch. or next time, just ask them why ey like to go for lunch. and say ask u along when ey go there. i think unless ur colleagues seriously dun like u, they wont purposely leave u out.
 
If you are the kind that need to have lunch partners then you have to learn to jio people for lunch. Just stand around them before lunch and make small talk.. surely they will invite you if they are going for lunch?

For me, people always ask me for lunch but I am always on the run.. sometimes I entertain them, sometimes I don't.

I prefer to lunch myself as it is more flexible and not time consuming. In fact mostly, I don't even lunch - save time
 
HUH??? u still in school or wat? these kind of things actually work???

honestly the harder u try, the more resistance u'll get. end of the day be natural and if they like u - u'll be invited. else take a good look at yourself instead of thinking it's something wrong with colleagues... wah piangz - "cute/special biscuits"????????!!!!!

the last person in my office who bought a cake got a tongue-lashing. end of the day have to see the office environment... u start something like this - u jolly well make sure tat u're not hard-up for pple to recoprocate, else u'll embarass yourself and look like a fool.

in a mature office setup, pple look at u and wonder why the hell u're so insecure and desperate for acceptance. it's the real world, not classroom where dad and mum bring goodies for u to share with classmates just cos it's your bday...
 
powder,

ha ha.. kena tongue-lashing? so serious?

I am always suspicious of people (that you don't know that well) buying breakfast
 
of cos, in my environment maybe just buy lunch or afterwork drinks if u like the fella. but starting such culture will have its repercussions... especially if some of the forummers here were to be in my company... they'll be wondering why noone celebrate their bday for them, or rem their bday blah blah... and even if celebrate - they'll start comparing price of cakes etc...

it's basic human stuff. to some of these pple its sweet, especially if they are the recipient. but if they are the fella who dun get remembered - sure start feeling terrible. why affect pple's performance? tat's why i'd rather give a bday off or something...

anyway like i say - depends on the office environment. if it's a nursery or some small setup then fine, do wat u want. if it's a big company where everyone sees everyone - i dun need the extra show of solidarity between certain groupies. anyway i train my guys to be individuals... not groupies.
 
Unless you are generous by nature or a foodie, the "buying breakfast or just sharing some cute/special biscuits w them" may backfire on you. You'll feel several times more miserable if and when no one reciprocates. Do all these when you can expect no return. That would be the joy of sharing.
 
for me, i dont really matter if they invite or not. in fact i feel my colleagues in office are all quite nice and ok one. but i feel they all very strange or political. like if im lunching wif this grp, then another grp come and ask me if they share anything wif me or talk about this work or project as if they trying to sound me out. and sometime even the grp i lunch wif occassionally, when they talk abt something, they just talk and then stop and tell me that in offic never share anything more than what they should. sometime i feel they all think too much as if other pple really care or interested what they doing. but they so scare like that..

i just feel sometime so stress that why pple just cant be themselves and share anything they feel like. like recently one of my collegue just acme back from a holiday and i just causally ask her how her holiday. then she just shsss me. and then later she say she din really tell anybody or other team she gg holi. i ask her why not. since its her holi and her entitlement to take leave. then she would say no lah.. if ohter pple think she go holi would think she so free..

huh! my goodness. seriously i think would anybody bother or think so much.. just sometime make me wonder why pple feel so sensitive. even my immeidate guy collegue also so KPO and really make me feel so sad that why isnt there any one in office being geniue and sincere. so i jut learnt daily that if they want to ask me then ask me.. if they prefer to grp together and gossip abt other pple which i dont really like to join a grp and badmouth other pple., then i shouldnt even join them in the first place. since they will also feel that im not their alliance since i dont support their views and their greivances against someone.

i jst feel sometime a grp come togheter becos either they have common goal either to gossip abt pple or bosses.. i mean generally pple feel they welcome other pple who like them.
like i use to go out with this guy colleague cos we just talk abt work and general stuff. but later he start to gossip about my new lady collegue and i chose to be neutral and at time i tell him that if there anything the lady collegue offended him, he shld tell her and be straightforward since we are immediate collegues. but he will say nevermind lah.. but deep in his heart, he know that im not gg to alliance wif him to gang up against this new colleuge. so he decide to drop on me.

now he also even spreading rumour about me having a bf in the office. i got this close guy lunch collegue that i lunch often. see.. now he doesnt see me as a alliance to him and now he start to tell others that i got a bf. but it doesnt deter me from gg out with the other guy collegue since i did not do anything wrong.

just think its such a strange work culture my company has despite its a big MNC.
 
cute special biscuits: depends on who u offer it to. of cos it will be stupid to offer to someone like powder who just doesnt seem to appreciate it. u dun like it doesnt mean other ppl wont like it. judging fr e way jie ling wrote, i assume she is young.

about treating colleagues to snacks, i feel tt it is not a big deal and something tt a newbie in e office shld be doing if she wants to show she is friendly.
 
Strawberryshortcake, use your logic - you like cute special biscuits doesn't mean other people like it too haha. So, how???
 
my usual lunch partner and i got together not because we like to gossip about people in the office, but rather because of our obsession with online shopping .. hahahah .. we think it's best to leave office politics in the office .. why must ruin lunch, the only proper break time in the work day?
 
strawberry, u should think abit before u post...

a wise man once said "better to keep quiet and look like a fool, than to open your mouth and remove all the doubt..."

u wanna run a poll on this? - "about treating colleagues to snacks, i feel tt it is not a big deal and something tt a newbie in e office shld be doing if she wants to show she is friendly."

"of cos it will be stupid to offer to someone like powder who just doesnt seem to appreciate it."
- that's EXACTLY wat i'm saying... there are pple like u who would EXPECT pple to appreciate, expect pple to be nice back, expect pple to give back.

DUH...
 
I never ate any of the curry puffs/ biscuits/ tibits/ cakes that some of them always buy around here.

Reason? I don't like to eat at my work desk. And if I eat, I would feel obligated to buy back for them as I don't like to owe favours (Don't be surprised that some people might think that you always eat their stuffs and never buy back for them - Expecting to be recipocrated when it supposed to be a giving act?)and has to delibrately go and remember to buy for them when my focus here is, work. I spend my time and my memory on work and what to do after lunch. Not remembering to buy the curry puffs for who and who because I ate their cream puffs the day before.

The buying of cake culture I also don't like it. You buy for A and buy for B. Are you going to be the one who buy for the whole office? What if you do not buy for F? Ain't F gonna feel something about it? Will not be long that you will start complaining that you are working like the HR of the company remembering everyone's bday when no one got a cake for you.
 
i made my own cookies for hari raya this year and i brought some to the office .. i certainly didn't hope to earn brownie points for that, just wanted to share .. if you want to eat, can eat .. don't want, it's ok too ..
 
wahaha...long time nv come in then see powder "solid" reply again.

come to tink of it...it is like only school time usually primary school then we hv tings like i treat u cookies, u treat me sweets kind of stuff or friend or dun friend kind of stuff lor..

in work, i hardly keep much tibits in my desk de. but if coglis offered, i wont resist whahaa....but long long time then i will buy someting and share....muahaha....

o...i usually lunch alone esp after i pop...coz nw daily at 1.30pm i hv to 'prepare' my boy 'meal' so i rather lunch in for a fast lunch then go do my 'duty'

being a person who like company, i dun really like to lunch alone esp if lunch outside...but still i hv lunch alone outside by myself before....

o...HI to all the regulars who still remember me lah...
 
hi diana, of course i remember you, hope you are keeping well. maybe i should arrange a lunch with you someday..
happy.gif


strawberryshortcake, i hope no newbies will offer to buy breakfast for me or give me snacks when she JUST arrive on board. i dont like being sucked up. blunt though it may sound, i feel any newbie better find out what the culture of the co before doing anything. some actions though thoughtful may not be appreciated. why kill yourself.

and yes, like what diana mentioned, it's like back in school.

as for looking for lunch time kakis, i used to hv my regular lunch time kakies during my first 7 years of my working life. gals want to chit chat and hv fun and it was good since we were all in our late teens and early twenties. for the remaining years in the corporate world, i spent most of my lunch time working or pack in a quick lunch or run errands. it's flexible cos it is me time away from everyone. and this one hour really kept me sane from all the rushing around.

sometimes when lunching with colleagues is a good break from the monotony of work and build rapport in the dept. other times, we end up talking abt this person and that person etc.

nowadays i lunch alone most of the time, when at food courts or hawker centres and sharing tables, i could eavesdrop workers talking about this and that colleagues. nothing bad, just dont get too involved with unneccesary politics in the office.

jie ling, always be neutral and dont get too involved in this and that or how a person should behave. it's really a waste of energy. use that energy to focus on how you can contribute to the co instead. also dont expect ppl to live up to your expectation of an 'ideal' organisation. there are all kinds in this world, ppl cannot please us and neither can we please them.

i personally dont like this groupie thing in the office but it does exist in all organisations. so just hv to accept it.
 
Di....siao har!? Of course we rem you lah.

When I was still a newbie in the company...I was ok to lunch alone...though sometimes I will reject offers from colleagues...coz I wanted some quiet time to myself. Perfectly alright to lunch alone. I can either spend some time in the bookshop, do some window shop.

And hor....for a newbie who start buying snacks or offering cute biscuits to me.....I will not accept. It may unfriendly to you...but I really will not take it. Dun think you need to do so much to just to befriend colleagues.

A smile or a good morning always help. If you see a colleague struggling to open the door, give a helping hand. Simple things and pple will start to accept you.

Di....now I am so familiar wif my colleagues...we will end up buying goodies for each other...or share our goodies...
happy.gif

Back to the school days
 
salsa, i agree, a smile or a greeting is always a first step to friendship. snacks can come later.

like cuclaine mentioned, hari raya cookies are for everyone and like us, there will be plenty of snacks to share during cny.
 
hi latino & salsa!

salsa, ya it like tat...after we are familiar wif our coglis, we will start sharing tings lor....the last ting we did is one of them organise a spree and we buy some croc shoe look alike online....wahhaaha...

see good tings hv to be share wat....tat wat the ribena advertisment long long time back teaches us rite...remember the small gal who offer her frenz a cup of ribena from her water bottle *wink*

latino, unavoidable abt those groupies tingy lor...coz there are people who click and people who dun mah....if working wif people u dun really click is oredi a chore, then y make our live miserable by having them as our lunch kakis rite....muahahaha
 
welcome back Di!

HBH puts it in the easiest-to-understand way liao... see his reason at 11:13am post. actually ALOT of my peers read it similarly... so not just Powder hor...

strawberry, your kind of thinking my company - only got 1 fella think this way... and he's a GUY!!! tat's why gave him the tongue-lashing... so u're the minority.
 


Di...true true.....if can click...we happy happy go lunch lor. If dun click....I rather lunch alone rather than force myself to lunch wif them. For wat! Does it make me look approachable in their eyes?

Pls...I will feel that I am fake if I do that lor. Plus...I will not be able to enjoy my lunch..

powder....you got peers one meh? hehehe...
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Back
Top