Love but cant work...
- Thread starter yongqin
- Start date
an expediture a/c - as what I might term it.. but again, personal thots: meals and regular outings are rather small issues as compared to the monies that are gonna to spend for wedding, purchasing the flat, kids' education funds etc... will it be better to sort out each other expectations from the start?
miloice
Well-Known Member
Spend within your comfort zone and pool resources together. There shouldn't be a yours or my money.
Each can continue to trust to maintain healthy savings without the need to micro-manage. When there are big purchases, its time to contribute what each can afford.
Having joint account will not magically solves issues. How to count and quantify each contribution we make towaards the relationship?? Alot are not quantifiable but yet important.
Each can continue to trust to maintain healthy savings without the need to micro-manage. When there are big purchases, its time to contribute what each can afford.
Having joint account will not magically solves issues. How to count and quantify each contribution we make towaards the relationship?? Alot are not quantifiable but yet important.
Milo, that's exactly how I feel too.. i mean when 2 persons are together, there shouldn't be a clear drawn line on the separation of whose monies that was spent etc.. I believe in more on spending at within your means.. However, I think Yongqin need to communication her expectations to her bf and vice versa.. being alone to thinking of such things will not help/improves things.
"if he doesnt want to talk then i cant do anything much aldy.."
"I really should find an appropriate chance to talk to him on this sensitive issue soon. Usually I have alot to say when it goes thru my mind, but tends to be tongue-tied when really doing the talking."
"think too much resulting in sudden/often upsetting over minor issues."
well well.... u have ur own answer right there.
the thing is... other than focusing on him, him and him - do u understand urself?
"I really should find an appropriate chance to talk to him on this sensitive issue soon. Usually I have alot to say when it goes thru my mind, but tends to be tongue-tied when really doing the talking."
"think too much resulting in sudden/often upsetting over minor issues."
well well.... u have ur own answer right there.
the thing is... other than focusing on him, him and him - do u understand urself?
Yes, it is true that couples can discuss about their shortcomings, but the couple shldn't keep focusing on this but more on the good points on the person. Harping on the shortcomings with no substantial improvments will not help things at all, instead, it might push the r/s to going downhill even faster.
rubbishcow
New Member
yongqin, actually sometimes, not thinking too much is a blessing. In a relationship, there is give and take. regarding your money issues, actually as a couple, there are no your money or my money anymore.
My fiance and I will not bother about money issues since i am basically the one much poorer and he is the richer party. Though majority of the time he will pay, he will not bother to calculate how much he had spent on me or my family. He too chauffer me around when we were together during weekends and once in a while i will offer to pay for his petrol (well.. its like once or twice a year only la..).
Actually, most of the time is how a couple want to make the relationship works. it will be good if there is a balance of give and take but there are no certainty to this balance at all. therefore, bottom line is how a couple wanna define the balance.
My fiance and I will not bother about money issues since i am basically the one much poorer and he is the richer party. Though majority of the time he will pay, he will not bother to calculate how much he had spent on me or my family. He too chauffer me around when we were together during weekends and once in a while i will offer to pay for his petrol (well.. its like once or twice a year only la..).
Actually, most of the time is how a couple want to make the relationship works. it will be good if there is a balance of give and take but there are no certainty to this balance at all. therefore, bottom line is how a couple wanna define the balance.
Yongqin: I did mention that couples should discuss things but not to the extent whereby there is a need to discuss every single thing. At times, not bothering too much and looking in depth of every single flaws will help the r/s coz there will not be so much unhappiness and we won't appear so unbearable to our partners.. Guys don't like women to be like this, picking and looking into every single detail etc etc.
miloice
Well-Known Member
yongqin,
communication itself is an exploration. By talking more, you get to know what's bothering each other. Basic fundamentals, stay calm and objective. If emotions run, focus on calming down and pull the person back to the topic at hand. If not possible, stop the communication till he has calmed down and in better mood for discussion. When making a feedback, always reassure 1st. This will remind him that you are not critising him.
But, don't think that every issue will have a straight forward answer/solution. Don't expect him to suddenly change because of what you said. Instead, being aware of each others concerns, we can be more mindful and understanding to our partners. Body language is also very key. Never talk with aggressive behavior. the body tells alot more message than the words actually.
The impact of communication is seldom felt at the instance. Give each other time to ponder and decipher. You need to watch over time to really know if its working. Influencing someone is something u need to learn with experience. Couples influence each other all the time. Its a 2 way exchange.
communication itself is an exploration. By talking more, you get to know what's bothering each other. Basic fundamentals, stay calm and objective. If emotions run, focus on calming down and pull the person back to the topic at hand. If not possible, stop the communication till he has calmed down and in better mood for discussion. When making a feedback, always reassure 1st. This will remind him that you are not critising him.
But, don't think that every issue will have a straight forward answer/solution. Don't expect him to suddenly change because of what you said. Instead, being aware of each others concerns, we can be more mindful and understanding to our partners. Body language is also very key. Never talk with aggressive behavior. the body tells alot more message than the words actually.
The impact of communication is seldom felt at the instance. Give each other time to ponder and decipher. You need to watch over time to really know if its working. Influencing someone is something u need to learn with experience. Couples influence each other all the time. Its a 2 way exchange.
Vios - "Zhong Yan Ni Er".... No point wasting your saliva to talk round her... If U hve time to go back to her past posts, U will know she won't "listen"......
She has all kinds of excuse/reasons for doing things....
Of coz I cannot determine all advices are GOOD for U... but at least it's a piece of advice.... However, by looking at your respone, they are juz "craps".... Then why are U in here to seek advice then?????
At age of 28, I really duno what have U learn in life??
It's yours and U should know how to handle it...
She has all kinds of excuse/reasons for doing things....
Of coz I cannot determine all advices are GOOD for U... but at least it's a piece of advice.... However, by looking at your respone, they are juz "craps".... Then why are U in here to seek advice then?????
At age of 28, I really duno what have U learn in life??
It's yours and U should know how to handle it...
tis is not called inexperienced, everyone learnt from their mistakes and thus become experienced in 1 way or another, or rather, they grew up a better person.
however if their brain is blocked fix in 1 position then there really is no point dwelling on this, as they will just remain inexperienced and just rot away in that exact same spot.
however if their brain is blocked fix in 1 position then there really is no point dwelling on this, as they will just remain inexperienced and just rot away in that exact same spot.
green_tranquility
New Member
Maybe TS's refusal to listen to others' opinions is the reason why her bf doesn't bother to share his thoughts with her? Because tell her got any use meh?
salsa_babe
New Member
Green....that's an observation!
Good one ya?
the attitude showing here could reflect how she is in the r'ship with the bf
Good one ya?
the attitude showing here could reflect how she is in the r'ship with the bf
alcifertoh
New Member
Princess attitude? I am right because I am.
alcifertoh
New Member
It's important to realise and reflect, than just realising and well, I'm like that, too bad
If i refused to listen then i wouldnt admit so many issues about us. And when i mention to my bf that i posted this for advise, i mentioned outsiders might see things clearer for advise. He simply replied, 'shi meh'?
Meaning everyone has their own views but subject to individual still. U said it yrself, its only advise doesnt mean its gd for us. I dont need to indicate names here u should know it v well.
Now I am focusing to improve r/s yet ur keep pin poinning on my past behaviour,but ur sounding like I am doing tit for tat to my bf thru critism. And other sounds like human attack, it doesnt give u the right to critise ppl.
Posting individual problem over here is asking for advise, i do agree with some of yr advise/opinion but doesnt mean everything is that right & its applies, and the way u post it seem very ......
Ur only advising based on wat i posted here, there are many other things me & my bf did/said which i didnt include so pls dont sound like ur know the whole situation v well.
Meaning everyone has their own views but subject to individual still. U said it yrself, its only advise doesnt mean its gd for us. I dont need to indicate names here u should know it v well.
Now I am focusing to improve r/s yet ur keep pin poinning on my past behaviour,but ur sounding like I am doing tit for tat to my bf thru critism. And other sounds like human attack, it doesnt give u the right to critise ppl.
Posting individual problem over here is asking for advise, i do agree with some of yr advise/opinion but doesnt mean everything is that right & its applies, and the way u post it seem very ......
Ur only advising based on wat i posted here, there are many other things me & my bf did/said which i didnt include so pls dont sound like ur know the whole situation v well.
miloice
Well-Known Member
yongqin,
take it easy.
in a forum, its always like this. Cannot have the "cannot accept critism" mindset. Either you counter challenge something said and back it with something concrete or you let it be. You cannot really stop anyone writing anything.
Views formed are naturally based on what and how things are written.
E.g. if someone go into details about many many trivial things in his/her relationship, it would reflect alot of the person already. No need to witness very single incident to have the idea where are the issues.
Anther example, how a manager interviews an applicant. He is actually looking for the right vowels. The employer can more or less tell from the interview if the applicant has what it takes for the job. Of cos, not all managers are good interviewers. There are those to stick to usual situational test which is more useful only to evaluate the analytical and hard skill proficiency.
I think the concern green and skylar and few others raised were how you had switched your stand. This indicate how confused you are and also that you are probably quite easily influenced. This is the impression I'm getting. Again, not criticism. Just my person observation.
I think many women loves to be pampered like a princess and men to be treated like a king. Nothing really wrong with that. Princess attitude can also be quite adorable. Just have to know when is the appropriate moment to be princessy. The kiddish / childlike part of a person can add fun to the relationship.
Take MJ for instance, he doesn't want to grow up and stick to his childlike fantasies. He is rich enough to empower him to fulfill most of his peter pan dreams. But its so tragic that he had to learn the harsh reality of life this way and having to lose his life while finally growing up and away from Nevertheland.
I think you have the focus towards improving the relationship. Just need the experience to WALK THE WALK. Its okie to fall. Just learn from it.
take it easy.
in a forum, its always like this. Cannot have the "cannot accept critism" mindset. Either you counter challenge something said and back it with something concrete or you let it be. You cannot really stop anyone writing anything.
Views formed are naturally based on what and how things are written.
E.g. if someone go into details about many many trivial things in his/her relationship, it would reflect alot of the person already. No need to witness very single incident to have the idea where are the issues.
Anther example, how a manager interviews an applicant. He is actually looking for the right vowels. The employer can more or less tell from the interview if the applicant has what it takes for the job. Of cos, not all managers are good interviewers. There are those to stick to usual situational test which is more useful only to evaluate the analytical and hard skill proficiency.
I think the concern green and skylar and few others raised were how you had switched your stand. This indicate how confused you are and also that you are probably quite easily influenced. This is the impression I'm getting. Again, not criticism. Just my person observation.
I think many women loves to be pampered like a princess and men to be treated like a king. Nothing really wrong with that. Princess attitude can also be quite adorable. Just have to know when is the appropriate moment to be princessy. The kiddish / childlike part of a person can add fun to the relationship.
Take MJ for instance, he doesn't want to grow up and stick to his childlike fantasies. He is rich enough to empower him to fulfill most of his peter pan dreams. But its so tragic that he had to learn the harsh reality of life this way and having to lose his life while finally growing up and away from Nevertheland.
I think you have the focus towards improving the relationship. Just need the experience to WALK THE WALK. Its okie to fall. Just learn from it.
Yongqin: everyone has their own ideas on how they perceive things.. there are bound to be differences, but the options is still yours ya, you have the right to choose what is the best for the r/s, your bf and yourself. Concentrate on improving the r/s, I am sure the efforts will pay off one day.. ALl the best!!..
I am stubborn but i do admit my shortgivings at least, i will admit. I just dont agree with the way they are saying that I critise him bcoz he did the same to me. He is assuming this. And they are making human attacks relating to my age.
They have the right to perceive anything they wish of course so do I have the right to voice out my comments on them, if they think that its junk then just let it be. Coz everybody thinks & react differently.
They have the right to perceive anything they wish of course so do I have the right to voice out my comments on them, if they think that its junk then just let it be. Coz everybody thinks & react differently.
sgbabydoll
Active Member
"Princess attitude can also be quite adorable. Just have to know when is the appropriate moment to be princessy. The kiddish / childlike part of a person can add fun to the relationship."
A woman can only behave princessie and come across as adorable up to a certain age. Got to grow up. No choice wan.
A woman can only behave princessie and come across as adorable up to a certain age. Got to grow up. No choice wan.
Hmm.. I don't think they are making any personal attacks.. it is just differences on how we perceive things. I am sure, look at the other side of the coins of all the comments and advices, some are quite meaningul in fact. Don't be over bothered ya, like what I had mentioned in my other posts, only you know if the r/s can be worked out, whether it is worth all the efforts, if it is, 2 hands are needed to make it work.
miloice
Well-Known Member
doll, not necessary. its behind closed doors between the couple. What's stopping them to continue the bit of mushy kiddo stuffs??
One of the reasons why things becomes boring. We become so serious with everything. Oh... now, I'm parent, must be role model, cannot this cannot that. We are still the lover of our partners. We can still do a bit of things like teens on puppy love. Why not??
One of the reasons why things becomes boring. We become so serious with everything. Oh... now, I'm parent, must be role model, cannot this cannot that. We are still the lover of our partners. We can still do a bit of things like teens on puppy love. Why not??
mum_of_2_girls
New Member
Yes, that's true and after that they will start to do naughty things on us.
lookingback
New Member
at times, men does not understand y women can get over-reacted on minor issue. at times, when men do not ask, women feel he is not caring/ bochap. but when he really ask, women find him not observance or not listening enough. so contradicting that men decided to shut up becos ask oso wrong, dun ask oso wrong.
alcifertoh
New Member
"Not to mention, men are like kids with their toys."
Reminds me of the heineken Ad haha.
Reminds me of the heineken Ad haha.
salsa_babe
New Member
hbh...I love that ad...esp. the guy in blue shirt!
sgbabydoll
Active Member
Milo, I am sticking to the original flavour of princess behaviour first brought up by other forummers lah. You know, for example, the belief that no matter who's right or wrong the bf/hb must say sorry first and coax the gf/wife.
salsa_babe
New Member
maybe Milo was referring to the Transformer toys leh.....
Transformers....more than meet the eyes
Transformers....more than meet the eyes