Let it go...

[souless_guy]

Hi friends out there

Perhaps some of you have this problem of mine or dun but I will like to seek the advice and comments .
It started some time ago since after I have married with my spouse. Thing can wrong when my spouse have given birth. She and mum do not get along , as my mum didn't do "well" during the condiment period.
A lot of hatred has been gather since them and argument went on and on .

Time files and now we have a daughter . She insist of a divorce regardless whether there a kid or not. she told me that I didn't care and concern about her. I agree that I am a very non passive person and tends to make mistake easily. Mistake that she unable to accept ... no planning , careless , no concern... , Unable to reach my mobile.

I did try to change and work towards to her idealistic partner but seem failed. Some time common mistakes to happen ... and I try to prevent to .... she say I have no concern over her but I did try to pacifier my daughter whenever she cry at the middle of night instead letting my spouse to wake up... further more , I check and on very single details check all the stuff whether back in place , bring a portable charger ...

I know it a matter of time she want a final verdict of divorcing . But I really unable to let it go ...
should I be letting go ?

 

[souless_guy]

Hi Mary

Thanks for the advice, but it hard. Hatred got over her. She told me that she feel sick with me around. she told me to leave her and get off from her life no even mentioning about the marriage counselling.
I have also think of it too and some friends advice this method as well.

 

[jkwedding308]

Hi Mary

Thanks for the advice, but it hard. Hatred got over her. She told me that she feel sick with me around. she told me to leave her and get off from her life no even mentioning about the marriage counselling.
I have also think of it too and some friends advice this method as well.

You said she didn't mention marriage counseling but have you tried suggesting it to her? Maybe can gently prompt her to consider at least for your daughter's sake to go for counseling together? Then at least you can both identify the issues at hand and get a chance to at least try to work things out rather than just giving up on the marriage just like that..

 

[buddhabar]

"I did try to change and work towards to her idealistic partner but seem failed"

Why are trying to be what you are not? You're never going to succeed.
This seems to be the Most common mistake in marriages. Why do people
marry someone with the intention to change the person into another person?

 

[icemafia]

Eerrrr your wife may have depression or post natals blues.....you know best if this is her usual self.....may worth your time to check it out.....most ppl do not know they are having depression

 

[souless_guy]

You said she didn't mention marriage counseling but have you tried suggesting it to her? Maybe can gently prompt her to consider at least for your daughter's sake to go for counseling together? Then at least you can both identify the issues at hand and get a chance to at least try to work things out rather than just giving up on the marriage just like that..

I have tried to suggest about counselling but she refuse. she even mentioned to me she cannot stand even looking me for a minutes or second. feel really sad. Her determination is strong...

 

[souless_guy]

Move out and let her be for the time being. Sometimes if we force it, it will only make things worst.

you mean stay away from my daughter as well ?

 

[jkwedding308]

I have tried to suggest about counselling but she refuse. she even mentioned to me she cannot stand even looking me for a minutes or second. feel really sad. Her determination is strong...

Don't lose heart... Gently suggest for her to try out counseling at least for your child's sake and if she never tries, she never knows if it'll work... Maybe can even get someone close to her to suggest for her to try it out. It may be easier for her to hear out the suggestion from someone else than from you...

 

[souless_guy]

Feel really dis hearted been asking myself if giving up is the best option of all . Though leaving my daughter is a painful option then rather let her see her parents quarrel all day.

 

[verysadguy]

are you staying with your mum at the moment? How about moving out? Oh and don't try to be somebody that you are not. It is not going to work.

 

[Lyn72]

Try to salvage your marriage. Be patience and give your wife some times. It could be the hatred inside her making her so persistent, let her say out what she wants, both of your need to have a good talk.

 

[miloice]

How did u guys meet and get together in the first place. Don't change to keep the marriage. Change only because you realise what a useless and unloving father and husband you can be. This is not to insult.

How convinced and convicted you can be about change depends how much you really believe in it. Changing because of expectation will only leave you chasing a clueless and endless target.

Expectations grow. People can be spoil and you will be taken for granted.

Brother, go back to the fundamentals. You wake up when your baby girl cries not because you have to. But because you are concerned for your daughter. Likewise, search within for your emotions with your partner to find back what you guys lost.

A man can and will only wake up and learn to be responsible when you finally realise it is the right thing you need and want to do. All the sleepless nights will be rewarding when u bond with your family with sincerity. Not fear of divorce and trying to please and meet every expectation.

The journey of understanding and growing with your partner can be very fun and enjoyable despite conflicts and fights. Don't fear disagreements and conflicts. The worst stage in a relationship isn't hate but indifference. When her tears means nothing and you guys just keep silence to maintain the peace. That is the sure way to make themselves cold and kill whatever there is left in the relationship.

Face it, understand why and take small constructive steps to progress. Big changes are not sustainable. Take it one thing at a time. People do not realise that we often do not realise what we really need. What we demand are just natural reactions and deep rooted expectations. You need to use your empathy to connect and learn to understand and discover with her... her emotions and needs. When you guys find out together, you gain that connection and trust that you are understanding and with her. Not a kan cheong spider that is clueless of what his partner wants and feels. The more you panic and do the so called 'mistakes'. The more convinced she will be that it is not working. Mistakes are needed in every lesson. Stop fearing to make mistakes, use it to learn. It is a 2 party learning, u also need to feedback actively to help her understand u. Else it will be based on her judgement in anger. Everyone will have rather negative impressions and assumptions when angry. U should not leave it to such negative misunderstanding grow and get more and more deep rooted.

 

[buddhabar]

Miloice
Are you a counselor ? You certainly sounds like one. I find it very enlightening and could almost
relate to it totally. It just came too late for me. Hopefully TS can gain some insights here.

 

[miloice]

Buddhabar,
I am no counselor, just another regular guy. Life is our best teacher, I have learnt much from many of the sharings and also my own struggle. We are all going through unique challenges in different milestones in our lives. There were haters and trolls in the forum, as with any public space online, bent to disrupt the exchanges sometime back.

It will never be too late until when we are meeting our creator. When that day comes, we will finally meet the deceased loved ones that we miss dearly.

 

[ohsammy]

Hi friends out there

Perhaps some of you have this problem of mine or dun but I will like to seek the advice and comments .
It started some time ago since after I have married with my spouse. Thing can wrong when my spouse have given birth. She and mum do not get along , as my mum didn't do "well" during the condiment period.
A lot of hatred has been gather since them and argument went on and on .

Time files and now we have a daughter . She insist of a divorce regardless whether there a kid or not. she told me that I didn't care and concern about her. I agree that I am a very non passive person and tends to make mistake easily. Mistake that she unable to accept ... no planning , careless , no concern... , Unable to reach my mobile.

I did try to change and work towards to her idealistic partner but seem failed. Some time common mistakes to happen ... and I try to prevent to .... she say I have no concern over her but I did try to pacifier my daughter whenever she cry at the middle of night instead letting my spouse to wake up... further more , I check and on very single details check all the stuff whether back in place , bring a portable charger ...

I know it a matter of time she want a final verdict of divorcing . But I really unable to let it go ...
should I be letting go ?

Hi soulless... I don't usually like to comment on people's relationships because I don't think it's fair to say anything without hearing the other side... but for your reference, I found that this article really helped put things into perspective, and I hope it does the same for you:

http://www.yourtango.com/2014224385...-we-decided-to-save-our-marriage#.VLVXRlo1_Ck

Like what miloice says, it's really about going back to the fundamentals, letting your partner know you will always be there and you will always love her. If you never made the effort to, now is the chance. Be tireless and be strong, and if it pays off, good. If it doesn't, at least you know you tried your best.

I wish I could say something more helpful, but I don't know enough to. Hope you and your wife will find peace.