I thought marriages only failed because of money or a straying spouse

vios

New Member
Carrie, though they are staying under the same roof since marriage (Oct 2006), both of them didn't really talk abt the crucial issue on hand... that's how the doubts and second-guesses start to creep in accumulatively. So i can safety say that the so-called 2-years-of-space are just dealing with on-the-surface stuffs.

Enne can only decide what's best for Her, and Them during this tough period. Stay on, and throw in 'Cold war'? Or move out, and refresh better? No more 2-years-duration to drag on liao....
 


enne

New Member
Here's to clarify:
1. This is our first marriage. Before we met, I recently broke up with my bf of 9 yrs. He too had gotten out of a 8yr r/s. Both our partners cheated on us.

2. I did make the first move. But we only met once and he left for course. After 2 weeks of knowing each other, chatting on MSN and phone, he said he loved me. I told him that it wasn't possible that he did cos we've only just met. He continued being sure. It wasn't so pressuring for me then cos we were in different countries. But when he returned, he could have thought that we were already tog. (We never clarified this.) Then it hit me that I might be going to be in a full blown r/s too soon after I've just come out of one.

It is my fault. I admit that. I was indecisive, I was trying to protect myself from getting hurt again. So I picked the easy way out till I could face love. The most stupid mistake was to sleep with X.

3. If I shift out, he might just take it that the r/s is over. I need to talk to him to let him know that I'm not walking out on us. But giving him the time and space he needs.

4. I'm not ready to let my family know about our problems. I can't stand the pressure they're going to give me. My mom is very controlling.
 

pokoyo

New Member
Enne, .." The most stupid mistake was to sleep with X. " If we are in the western culture, this is not a mistake, being an asian does not means it is not right to have a "f*ck buddy". Moreover it's before your marriage.
Another thing about mother, Any mother no matter what will give their child all the support even after thrashing and scolding. You just need to ask.
 

crazy_guy

New Member
well FB supposed to be a secret, not to be known....just tat it was made known to him b4 u went into r/s n then marriage w him....

but i was curious tat if he mind all along, y u both can bonk anywhere n everywhere happily b4 marriage n now a total change...weird
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
ah siao.... exactly my point. This guy is a real loser.

Anyway, enne,
why do u think its the sexual relationship with X is the stupidest mistake? Yes, its a misake.

BUT, I see a far greater mistake. To think that u can forgo yourself completely to please an insecure man. The issue isn't addressed and in fact, u encouraged him to continue to control u. He thinks he is right and will continue to do so. How much can you endure?

How to long through your entire life trying to please him? Everyone gives in and compromise in any long lasting relationship but, we don't get taken for granted. Its a 2 way thing. You give some, u also need to take some. Taking is needed to motivate and refresh u to offer more to you. Its always a chain reaction, once the momentum is there, its easier to maintain. Similarly, once u get in to a vicious cycle, it becomes hard to break from it.
 

royal_salute

New Member
Enne..

I do agreed with some of the above comments and i will nt wan to elaborate them again.

My advice to u..

Let him know how much u wanted this marriage to work out and how much u love and care for him. At the same time.. give him a deadline to sort out his emotion.. mayb by 28 Feb? Just tell him that we have to sort everything out on that day, no more waiting or dragging. During this period, prepared yourself for some unforeseen outcome on 28 Feb. Do some planning for yourself if the talk on 28 Feb turn out to be negative.. If its turn out to be positive, my best wishes to ur marriage, if nt, just accept the fact and go seperate way. In life, sometime we need to be hard in making decision. Hope u get what i mean..

Cheers!!
 

pokoyo

New Member
Nope, I am not fully divorce yet.
I don't look down on people who has f*buddy, when her status is still single, but I mind people sleeping around with many without protection and especially already married.
The innocent spouse at home is at risk of HIV or other infection and unprotected, on top of betrayer and lies. Who would have protected sex with spouse?
 

lovelysweet

New Member
Because his ex-girlfriend cheated on him and you had sex with x, make him lost his trust on women and married you to take revenge??

Both woman he loved, have sex with other man, think will make him heartbroken...

Think you both will need to talk and find out what he is thinking... to solve the problem.
 

shatterheart

New Member
yes taking as revenge ths wht i will do also since she break my heart even b4 i did anything wrong... Lynnn how u guess tht too.

Carrie... u partial divorce?? ok.. amazingly u dun hv FB or u have not find 1. Can feel tht u are a New Age woman very open to such even yr partner hv FB also u dun mind.
 

enne

New Member
It has been difficult. We haven't spoken cos I want him to concentrate as best as he can on his exams, which will end on Fri.

I miss him a lot. We've become strangers living in the same house.
 

bloomy12

New Member
Does he need to prepare v hard for the exam... so he does have something else to focus on meanwhile? if he is having exams, then maybe u cannot use this time when he needs to focus on his exam to judge?

jus a tot. not sure if its irrelevant.
 

enne

New Member
Yes maybe.

Thank you for all the support and opinions.

I believe in my husband. He may have issues but I believe it's because he loves me so much and that's the reason why all these issues bother him so much. And because I truly love him, I'm letting him take his time.

I don't know how but I believe our love will be strong enough to withstand this hurdle. I'm going to make this work. There will be a happily ever after for us.
 

thommy

New Member
Glad to hear that enne
happy.gif


Always remember that there will be light at the end of the tunnel...all the best
happy.gif
 

shirleypoise

New Member
Enne, I'm gg thru the same phase as you are except that my husband is never a control freak. But same as yours, he is shutting me out of his life totally and we are only married for <1yr. We were together for 6yrs+ and have been living together few months after we got together.

Few months b4 we got married, he was asking for space to go drinking with his friends. I thought it's due to this new guy buddy that he found. After marriage, he's asking for more space, then he was complaining that I should live for myself and not revolving my life around him. Now he's saying that he doesn't love me anymore and wants a divorce. I do suspect that he met someone else, but he's denying so I can only take his words. Have considered hiring a PI but not sure I want to hear more bad news.

The pain is overwhelming. I'm crying almost everyday. I've tried everything: talking to his friends, going for marriage counselling, planning activities which doesn't include him, giving him all the space that he wants. Almost committed suicide on new year's eve cuz that's the day he proposed 1 yr ago. Went back to my mum's for almost 2 wks for a short breather during cny but things did not change at all. We've not spoken to each other for 1 month+ now. Right now I just fear talking to him cuz of the rejection that comes along with it. The house is his hotel rooom, he comes home after I go to bed and goes out before I wake up. I wander where he go or how he gets enough rest (since I only sleeps 5+ hrs everyday)! Tried asking and his reply is a cold "What's that to you?", meaning non of my business. Pure agony and super emotional-draining! There's no light at the end of the tunnel unless I make a U-turn and leave him.

I'm still hoping that he'll come out of it but I'm now more open to leaving.

Enne, I've also been searching for THE MAN for a v long time. Thot I found him in my husband only to find out that he has commitment phobia (from the marriage counsellor). I keep asking if it'll be better for him if I leave him only to be asked if it'll be better for ME to leave him by the counsellor. Perhaps that's the qn you should be asking yourself as well...
 

enne

New Member
Dear Mrsf0ng2b,
i'm so sorry to hear about your situation.

My hubby and I finally spoke about it last night. He has asked for a non official separation. We spoke from night till morning and nothing I said could make him change his mind. I agreed on the grounds that we see a marriage counsellor.

He has made plans to shift out and told me to put a timeline on our separation.

I don't know what will happen and am trying not to think that what he's trying to do is hoping that I can gradually get used to life without him. He says that he just wants time apart so we can see if he misses me so much he can let go of the past. But deep down, I think he has already stopped loving me.

Yet, I don't have the strength to call for a divorce. I'm holding on, hoping that the separation and marriage counseling can help. A voice in my head asks why hold on when he doesn't want me anymore. But I can't understand how he can just let go.

Like you, I'm in extreme pain. Everything is passing by me like a blur and I just can't stop crying.
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
hi shirleypoise,

Life is fragile. One wrong step and its over. There is no turning back. By ending your life, the hurt you cause to your parents and family is irreversible. And there is no way you can be sorry or make it up to them.

So, don't even think about killing yourself again. I can tell u that no breakup is more painful than losing your loved one prematurely through sudden death. Its so damn hard to accept and live on with the fact everyday.

No matter what pain you are suffering now, don't transfer it to those you love.

A relationship has to be 2 ways. But not memories. That is for us to treasure. Regardless of the outcome, one can choose to remember the happy moments or the miserable ones. That would directly impact how one would get out of it. It will take time to heal the pain but as long as you focus on the good and positive, it will only improve over time. Hang on and be strong for those that cherishes you.
 

shirleypoise

New Member
Hi Enne,

But is it good to go on unofficial separation? With the deed there's the T&amp;Cs to govern the separation life. What happens if you chance upon love during this period and moved on? He could come back n ruin it for you, no? Or that he could be super possessive and stop you from seeing your friends, etc? I heard from the counselor that the separation period will b extended if both of you consumate. Would he force himself on u, since there's no deed to govern the separation, so that u will be permanently stuck at where u are now?

I dunno abt u but I dun feel secure. Even if I still love and want to be with him now.


Hi Miloice,

I'm over the suicidal phase. Now's trying hard to balance my emotions cuz I've realised I'm under eating, sleeping, smiling and over drinking, partying, brooding, crying, smoking, self-blaming, etc. Every little things that my friends say could trigger me to cry for the whole day. The worst is "When r u planning to give birth?".

I've got to learn how to move on..
 

simpleman

Active Member
shirleypoise,

Having Deed of separation is good provided both agree to it.

You can just separate by being separate - ie living separately. Forcing upon you is RAPE - even for a husband not to mention a separated-husband.

If your concern is he coming to ruin you, he could still come and haunt you - even with the Deed of separation signed. And if he is bent on messing with you, he won't sign the Deed of separation.

If you want to feel secure. Live separately from him. go far &amp; far away from him.
 

popcheek

New Member
i felt sad after reading the posts...
well, hopefully none of us have to go thru as what these 2 ladies went thru, i think i wont be able to be strong-willed as them.

i hope things turn out for the best for them.
 

shirleypoise

New Member
sm,
In that case why do pple still wanna sign DOS?? What's the purpose if they can just do it unofficially?
My husband is the one who asked to be separated so I believe he'll sign.
 

awakened

New Member
shirleypoise - I don't see the point in spending more money on DOS. But that's just me. In the course of getting a divorce, every cent counts. SM is right that if he is bent on ruining you, he can do it with or without the DOS.

To clarify, you're still living together with your husband? It must be exhausting for you. I remember how miserable I was. Consider moving back to your mum's for a couple of months. You'd need the company of your family at this stage. After which, you can consider renting a place. Living on your own can be a very liberating experience, but ONLY when you are emotionally stable.

If things have not improved at all over the last few months for you living together with your husband, perhaps, its time to confront the fears of walking away. That was what I did and I have not looked back since.

I am glad to hear that you are over the suicidal stage. Don't ever slip back into that. There is so much more to life, you'd realise if you'd be strong and hold on.

Enne - It's not about getting used to life without your husband. It's about going back to the days before you met your husband and making sure that you live an even fuller life now that you are more matured with deeper life experiences. Enjoy the ride.

What makes a woman happy? I've come to realise that it is when she takes control and is in charge of her life.
 

simpleman

Active Member
It is just to document the terms of separation. Not many people sign the Deed of Separation. But since he asked for it, you can ask him to get a lawyer to draft the Deed of separation (need to pay).

Signing means you agree to it and since it is official at the end of the separation period, the divorce can follow logically without further trouble.
 

pokoyo

New Member
For my case, he bent to make things difficult for me. How, by not selling property, change the date again to delay court session, write lots of bullshits on each affidavit reply and tons of accusion in each affidavit. Mediation agreement suddenly change to disagree. Human nature can be very scary when they determine to drive you crazy.

Verbal unoffical separation can be revoke without any official records. Go for black and white at the minimum a rental reciept to proof your move out or change IC showing you have move home if could not get the DOS.
After what I am going thru, BnW is still the best in this world.
 

simpleman

Active Member
carrie,

How does black and white help in your case. YOurs is divorce proceedings.. A DOS couldn't help you as it is not binding in court.

and both have to agree to sign in the first place.

But did you ask yourself why is he making things difficult for you?
 

pokoyo

New Member
Revengful I guess. A processive and selfish person wants to keep everything for himself. He wants to be the winner to kick me out not the other way round. He calls the relationship quit not me. I got his dirty evidence and he lose face. Put a whole list of things you can imagine a revengful person would do. 90% will fit.
I was like Mrsf0ng2b n Enne, didn't believe that he would do such things to me until all the dirty things are expose.
So human are just this dirty beyond your imagination until you meet one.
 

shirleypoise

New Member
If we don't sign a DOS but we sign on a piece of paper listing down all the terms in front of a witness does it count? Haha..

He's actually asking for annulment. Said it'll be better for me cuz it'll change my status back to single but I'm not sure I wanna lie for the rest of my life. Would any of u do that?

Any idea what's the court proceeding for annulment? Do you have to swear by it?

I dun think he'll make things difficult for me since I'll be granting him his wish by leaving.

For my case, I've never changed the address on my I/C. Still my mum's address.

Yup, Lyn, still staying tog. But will go back to my mum's for the nite if I'm emotionally drained. Like Enne, I'm dreading the days w/o him. Feel so lost w/o him..
 

pokoyo

New Member
Oh I forgot to add, the woman out there putting posion, bent to break up the family? She wants him for her own too, since she got pregnant with his child. Who do you think he will listen to? the mistress everything agree with him or Me the woman since I already make him lost face and disagree on his affair?

They want to get the most out of this divorce and wish to claim on me too. What have I done after devoted so many years into this marriage. A cute little child (definately). So take extra care if it involves another woman.
 

simpleman

Active Member
carrie,

Precisely.. I can expect. What is the use of putting his dirty evidence onto his face? What do you gain other than vengeful satisfaction? If you didn't expose him fully for all to see, he may not be that vengeful. It is just tit for tat.

Yes, he got a women so you make him lose face? So he turned around and make things like hell for you? Or what do you expect him - to thank you for the dirty evidence?

No, I am not saying he is right but he is just responding to your acts. If the marriage has broken down irretrievably and you had let it go instead throwing dirty evidence at his face, he might have behaved much better than what he is doing now. Now, you two have to fight - and who is the winner?
 

simpleman

Active Member
shirleypoise,

Since he won't make things difficult for you, don't make things difficult for him.

As for whether annulment or not, really depend on you. If you both agree on annulment and stick to the story then it will be hard to prove otherwise (although you may be telling a lie)
 

pokoyo

New Member
So to you its fair for me to accept a undefinate wait for him in singapore taking care of the child myself while he continue to build another home outside? Whether I throw in or not, I don't get a way out of the marriage. Its not as if I wish to throw in the evidence.
I could not even get him to a marriage counselling which Enne could.
 

pokoyo

New Member
Any women in this thread could response that its immposible to be sane to know that your hb is happily with another woman over the weekends, while the victim is at him taking care of the child. Even the 2 women cry every night and getting themselve emotionally drain even when their husb treat them not as bad as mine, not to say I have an extra child to take care of alone.
Its not about wining I never though about wining. I lost when the husband choose the woman. I lost the man and $$. More to go but I am stronger and moving on.
 

shirleypoise

New Member
Carrie,
U know what, I would be insane too if i know he has another woman. That's why till now I have not hired a PI cuz I dun wanna hurt myself any further. And what should I do if he really has another? Can the money replace him? No, thus I chose to close both eyes.

But after I gain my sanity, I will give them my blessings too. If I can't make him happy, at least someone else can. I just have to move on, let time heal my wound and hope for the right man to come.

I dun have a child so I dunno how bad it is for you. But I do know that you can draw a lot of strength from your child. Enne and myself can't; we can only draw strength from our families and friends. I wish I have a child... even though that might make remarriage difficult.
 

simpleman

Active Member
carrie, If you hb decides to not to love you and leave you.. there is nothing you can do.. other than to accept. Yes, you can fight, scream, throw evidence.. what good will it do? More pain for yourself.

I didn't ask you to wait for him. If he is not faithful, you can divorce him. But there are many ways of handling a divorce. When the love is gone, it is gone. You can't fight it.

Handling a child by yourself is not so difficult lah. don't pity yourself to the extent that it is the worst thing that can happen.

What I am trying to say is move on. Forget about being vengeful. You will be happier.
 

pokoyo

New Member
sm maybe you have misunderstood what I wrote. I am not vengeful and I do not pity myself.
Handling the child is not difficult if I am financially sound. I do hope at least job stability for the coming years. I only worry I could not raise the child with sufficient financial.
Thou I have the evidence, I did not use it in court because he wish not to so. He agreed to the terms in the mediation but change his mind suddenly. He is still vengful.
I am a very straight forward and simple person. Now I only want to move on, just don't misunderstood what I wrote is vengeful. I just want to elate to the girls that such things happened. I was then to simple to know that such evil person exist around me with the intention to hurt me. I don't wish to see time hurt.
 

canbear

New Member
MrsfOng2b,

I'm sorry to hear of your plight.

To be married for <1yr and for him to ask you for divorce is very quick indeed.

Have the both of you seriously considered what you like about each other before you got married?

There are 2 very likely possibilities that happened to you and him: Marriage out of convenience (as in it wasn't due to true love) or certain events after marriage triggered the animosity between you and him.

If it is the first case, it is very complicated. The reasons for marriage must be strong enough to begin with, otherwise it is very easy for either or both parties to stray.

For eg, as you somewhat suspect, he might have found another woman whom he feels suits him better. This often leads to the guy saying "I don't love you any more". Actually many times, it means "I have NEVER REALLY loved you before".

If it is due to events that took place after the wedding, then there might be some hope. You guys got to sit down and really talk it out. Figure out what is causing the rift. For eg, are you not spending quality time doing things together?

As I've always told couples, it is easy to say "I lov you" and do all those oh-so-sweet stuffs before marriage. But to MAINTAIN a healthy marriage takes A LOT more effort and only those who truly love each other for the RIGHT reasons will survive.

Take care.
 

shirleypoise

New Member
Hi David,

You must be the zillonth person who tells me that we have to sit down and talk it thru. But if you read my earlier postings, he doesn't want to talk to me. I've tried everything that I can think of. I'd asked for quality time, just 1 day, just a few hours, just a meal but they've all been rejected. He doesn't even want to see me now.

Perhaps like you'd said, it could really be that he has never really loved me b4. n there's always that possibility that he married me out of obligation instead of true love. whichever the reason, I no longer want to know.

I appreciate your kind thoughts, but at this stage there is no point thinking about what made us got married in the 1st place.
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
it takes 2 to tango. As long as u tried, there is no regret. Life experiences are valuable lessons for us. As much as we hate it, it actually mould and strengthen us to become what we are today. Ironically, but true.
 

sun2

New Member
Hi Mrsfong2b - I knw how u feel. That's what i'm going thru too.

I hd separated frm my H for almost 5 mths nw. Each time when I tried talking to him then, I just 'knock the wall'. I get very sarcastic remarks...in another words to leave him alone.

I end up hurting myself even more.
Dont hire a PI. It will waste ur $$ &amp; it will hurt u even more if there's the OW.

take this time to take good care of yourself. 'love urself more'. keep urself healthy, exercise.

Its not easy. I still sometimes cry myself to sleep &amp; go office with puffy eyes. When ppl ask, i just say not enough sleep.
 

shirleypoise

New Member
No offence to anyone, men or women alike.. but why do these pple make us go thru the wedding when they are not ready to commit? Why make us think that it'll be "happily ever after" when they just want to run away? Are obligations or whatever the reasons that they brought with them to the altar more impt than not disappointing us, our parents, our guests? Or were they gg thru what we are now gg thru: so confused, not knowing where to go, so try and see how?

I'm getting so paranoid abt marriage now that I go around telling pple who are getting married to consider v carefully b4 taking that plunge..

Btw, sun2, I dun just 'knock' the wall, I repeatedly walked straight into it and ended up with bruises everywhere. Now I will look where I'm gg and avoid the wall altogether.

Guess we'll have to look out for 'softer' walls huh..
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
hi shirleypoise,

not everyone knows what they truly need or want in life. Most of us have all been in situations that we wanted out from. The moment of realization differs for everyone. I believe most people didn't intentionally go through the relationship and marriage to screw up the lives of others and themselves. Its an expensive lesson for both parties.
 

pokoyo

New Member
Depends on individual Sun, the PI report hurts but helps me decide what to do and plan for my future. At least I know the truth and won't dream that he will come back to me.
 


canbear

New Member
Hi shirleypoise

I'm sorry I even suggested sitting down to TALK with him. Yes, I know you have tried without success. But my point really is, talking it out is the ONLY way to resolve such issues. Yes, it sounds like a simple solution. It really is.

Only problem is, when he no longer wants to talk, then there can be no progress. As good as saying the marriage is destined for a breakup, aka DIVORCE. You can't possibly be living with a "stranger" who is supposed to love you, and be closest to you.

Indeed, marriage is something that should be considered very carefully before embarking on the journey together.

Don't know why some people marry without thinking of the consequences and repercussions. On a global level, maybe it's the changing times that make one view marriage as less sacred, and foreign cultures where divorce is more common influence us to think it's only a passing fad?

On a more personal level, it oould be that it's something the "abuser" was curious about: "Oh I'm getting married!" But after that, it's "So boring. Think I married the wrong person." Basically, personal, innermost feelings were not sorted out well before the marriage.

I think there's little left for you to do now since you've already put in so much effort. You must move on and really think hard about your own future. Never let this experience bring your life down. But rsther, create another one which gives you more satisfaction. And true love.
 

Top