How to reject or PREVENT mom-in-law from doing this?

L

lunaaa

New Member
Hi everyone, my future mom-in-law has been trying to stuff second-hand clothes (hand-me-downs from her niece, my fiance's younger cousin) to me. I have tried making excuses like "I'd see them later" or "They are too big for me" for I don't like second-hand items. I find it hard to tell her I don't actually use second hand clothes or bags. But she asked me about it again and when she saw my fiance holding a few (he was just holding on to them as I was pretending to look at the pile), she thought I was okay with them and took it as I would take them home.

Then she went to her room and took the following used bags to pass to me. They are from my fiance's elder sister and herself. Gucci and Prada used bags. Some are very new, almost like 9/10 but I don't like the design plus I just don't use second hand bags. Mom-in-law kept going on and on and on and on about how new they are, oh what a waste they will be and how she doesn't believe in selling but would rather give to someone. And with that, stuffed them into a big plastic bag for me to take home.

My fiance spoke up for me and told her I didn't like using used items at all. She sort of blocked it and pretended not to pay much attention. I'm quite frustrated as I don't want my mom-in-law to think I'm like my fiance's sister-in-law who always takes what she doesn't want - bags, clothes, household items etc. I have pride and don't want her to think I'm a "rubbish bin". In the first place, I'm not into designer bags like my mom-in-law and fiance's elder sis.

I'm worried this will happen AGAIN soon. They have many bags to give away. I feel like saying "Sorry, auntie, actually I don't use second hand bags" but I'm afraid it's rude and hurting at the same time. How can I put it to her nicely?

FYI I am quite hurt myself as she is giving me second hand jewellery for my wedding. We suspect this as she likes to hunt for bargains at Cash Converters, plus the jewellery she showed me, seem to be quite weird in design.

We won't be living with mom-in-law anyway.
 


why pretend leh?

if u r not interested, dun pretend u r.

dun make excuses. dun pretend to "look at the pile" cos u r giving her the wrong signals.

send out a clear message -- u r not interested.

tell her it will be a waste cos u r not into designer stuff and hardly use them... that someone who can appreciate them should own them...

remember to say it innocently and with a smile
happy.gif
 
How about you tell her that you have enough bags of your own. Don't sound like snob when you say this. Keep apologizing to her "Sorry auntie, very sorry, I already have a lot of bags and clothes. Sorry, sorry..."

As many sorrys it takes for you to feel better and for her to get the message and not get upset. If she finds it a waste to throw the bags away, you can offer her some suggestions of who you think would love to have her bags. Other relatives, friends, colleagues that you know of...

As for the clothing, maybe you can accept just one or two nice pieces from her, so that at least you have fulfilled her wish to give her DIL something.
 
maybe can say you have alot lia, no space at home to keep those bag lo... for clothes, you say u got enough and ur mum nagging that why ur wardrobe is stacking up....
 
Hi junkie and all, yes, I've done that. The reason why I pretended was because it was the third time she told me to look at the bag of clothes already and I'm fed up of saying the same thing over and over again. Besides, fiancé has helped me speak up, still of no help. It fell on deaf ears. The moment I reached home, I threw the two pieces of clothing into the rubbish chute. Felt very bad and seemed like I'm a little spooky but they don't fit me and I don't like the design enough to have them altered... I actually hinted by saying I have many bags and clothes to give away myself, therefore I don't think I shall need more stuff. Urgh anyway, will try what you have advised, try to tell her again nicely that actually I don't use second hand stuff.
 
Why should you feel sorry for rejecting used clothes and bags? These were not new clothes and bags bought specially for you even. Just tell her that you don't find them suitable and will help her send to the Salvation Army.
 
alamak, just say u patang on 2nd hand stuff especially clothes, bags n jewellery... cars and houses ok.
 
Hi, Joy

you sure she is giving 2nd jewellery for your wedding like those from cash converter and not mistaken to their family heirlooms? Although gold is gold and diamond is diamond regardless whether 2nd, 3rd or 4th hand as long as its passed down from generations within family, its ok but if its from cash converter then abit weird lei...i mean you dont know whether its from a dead person or any bad omen right? But you are better, I have a female friend getting married and her FH uses his own money to buy gold and jewellery as part of the 'pinli' and they shared the cost of the wedding. I find it quite weird because I thought his parents should be buying that but the FH said they have no momey..ok..its like buying the jewellery for yourself.

About the clothes and bags, you should just tell her the samething nicely whenever she asked and dont even move abit to look at the stuffs, she will get tired and get your message.
 
Hi Joy,

I don't throw my old clothes down the chute. It's wasteful.

Usually, I'll wash and fold nicely, pack nicely in plastic bag and placed my condo's 1st level for the cleaning aunty.

She can decide what to do with the used clothes. The clothes are about 1 year old only as I like to change my wardrobe every year.

But for old books, it's different. I enjoy getting used books from my nephews who attends top schools.
 
"FYI I am quite hurt myself as she is giving me second hand jewellery for my wedding. We suspect this as she likes to hunt for bargains at Cash Converters, plus the jewellery she showed me, seem to be quite weird in design."

Were the receipts or certs attached to the jewellry gifts? Normally people who buy diamond or gold jewellry as a gift will include the receipt or cert to "prove" the item is authentic.
 
Didnt know there are so many MIL out there like to give used stuff to DIL. I thought i was the only one out there. haha.. But i think I'm worse than Joy. At lease she offer you 2nd hand prada/ gucci bags. My MIL ever insist giving me her used 2nd hand yellowish clothes with no brand. My hubby forced me to take it cos it's not nice rejecting his mother's good intention although i make it clear that i don't like 2nd hand stuff and i can buy it myself if i wish. End up quarreling.I got to waste my effort bringing the clothes home and throw in rubbish bin. ^@$%^&(^$#!

PIL always treat hubby elder brother and sister in law much better. For their wedding, PIL offered to pay $10000 for their wedding buffet. For our wedding, they keep quiet throughout the whole preparation and just give us $400 for wedding angpao. and there are lots more of other unfairness which i won't quote here...

Joy, there are people who are worse than you.. hehe.. so dun get unhappy over it.
happy.gif
 
Perhaps nobody ever gives me hand-me downs, esp branded stuff! So I can't quite empathise with you. However, may I suggest that with second hand clothes that are in good condition, that you consider this charitable organisation:

http://blessingsinabag.org

As for the branded bags, you may want to consider selling them and donating the proceeds to charity.

That certainly would be a worthwhile cause.
 
just grab all the 2nd hand branded stuffs and sell them away for cash.

avatar, MIL doesn't want my wife to 'waste' her old stuffs too. We dispose of them discretely without her knowledge. No way for her to maintain an inventory and account of all your stuffs right?

Stuffs that are in good condition, we bring them down to donate, old and bad conditions ones, we just throw them away or give it to the cleaning auntie if they wants them. Instead of fighting the issue, just workaround it and no need to get frustrated. Filter the nagging.
 
I'm frustrated because she treats me as a "rubbish bin", that's how I feel because her intentions are not wholly kind. She just wants to get rid of things and lays them all on me. Even my fiancé thinks she is not a good natured person. Not giving from the heart, just giving to get rid of things so that she can have more living space. We already intended to sell the bags and donate the proceeds to my favorite dog charities. I just don't want her to think I'm just like the other daughter-in-law, always taking her things without a protest, even toilet paper.
 
Yes, I understand your frustrations. Many folks are immune and blind to their insensitivity even when its till a point of being flatly rude.

Still, I believe the right one to put a stop to it is the spouse. When they don't, they are just throwing their irritating mothers to you to manage.
 
Outcast and doll, there is no receipt attached to the ring she gave me. She said it's from Larry's but the box is this paper box that looks like it is from a stationery store. I don't mind if it is bought from second hand store. After all, if it is a jewellery item, it may be because gold is expensive so she rather purchased from Cash Converters or pawnshop. But we don't like it that she lied that she it was new. If it is heirloom, one would be very proud of it and one would declare, isn't it?

The other day she insisted on putting on one charm bracelet on my wrist to see if it fits, looks like costume jewellery. Again, don't like that she lied. I don't mind not having jewellery, just find her actions rather insincere.

Anyway, outcast, my mom-in-law is not superstitious or traditional. One thing I'm glad of haha. In fact we don't even practise guo da li or other customs.
 
is this then a rant or just letting some steam off? Cos you already having a supportive partner to keep that in check.

He cannot change his own mum into another person right?
 
Pawn shops, yes, but I didn't know even cash converters sell used gold jewellries in the first place.....

Since you know what kind of person your MIL is, will you feel better if you adjust your expectation of her?

My ex-MIL wasn't exactly an angel (me too) but because I didn't expect to become her bestie or to be treated a certain way, so didn't have much a problem in the nine years that we were family.

There were occasions that I had given in to her by closing one eye as well as stood firm on my ground, yet didn't offend her. I guess perhaps because I never really let her know my "bottomline" (底线）, and she never dared test my patience to the max.
 
Yes, we passed by a Cash Converters last weekend and saw that they do have a jewellery counter manned by a sales staff who dressed more smartly lol!
 
personally i feel that you have already formed an opinion on your MIL, which makes you feel this way .. so no matter what she does, you feel that she is insincere .. it's already in you.

how to last like that?
 
No idea. I'm just being civil, polite to her. Don't want to piss each other off. Even before the engagement, we already are aware she is a fake person. She admits herself she is nice to her own daughter because the latter buys designer goods for her.
 
joy,

i think u are treading on very dangerous grounds if u think this way... and using her words against her ie "She admits herself she is nice to her own daughter because the latter buys designer goods for her." shows that YOU are a person who cannot be trusted to be discreet.

i hope u take this personally, cos such ways of talking/thinking shows that u cannot be trusted with little comments that we would otherwise make only to our close frens/family... and have them use against us in depicting our character.

sometimes when we say certain things... it is not meant to be taken at face value... and we trust close pals to know that. U, however, happen to be the type who will use just abt Anything to discredit a person and pull things in your favour.

very very dangerous person.

and despite all these, u can't even reject things u dun want.... what does That, say abt u as a person? u ever thought abt that?
 
Powder, I only think I'm trying my best to avoid conflict and to be polite, that's why I'm questioning if there are better ways of doing this.

For your above paragraphs, I don't understand what you are saying.
 
You avoid conflict by filtering her demandings. She insists to give u those stuffs. Just thank her but tell her not suitable. If she insists, take them and get rid of it discretely lor. Why upset over things u know cannot change and frankly no need to change. You will probably burn the bridges over such trivial matters.
 
Joy,

Given that you have tried various means of telling her, the only way I can see how you can do this politely and without avoiding conflict is to accept what she gives you - graciously.

You may feel that she's treating you as a rubbish dump, but truly, she could easily pass it on to anyone else. To her, these are probably of some value so she just feels that she should give it to you, her future daughter-in-law. It may be of no value to you, but it is of certain value to her.

You could tell her that all these are of no use to you, so if she doesn't mind, that you will pass it on to people who will appreciate it or find good use for it. You can choose not to tell her either, afterall these are gifts to you.

Her gift to you - be it from Cash Converters or Tiffany, is still a gift to you. She may be proud and doesn't want to tell you where it really is from. That's just her.

Doll says it rightly on Monday, January 10, 2011 - 11:51 pm. You should adjust your expectations. You are educated, and you are aware of what's going on, so be open enough to be the one to make the change.
 
Hi, matka

Yes, a gift is a gift regardless where its from, however, it will reflect the giver’s attitude and respect towards the one that she is giving. I wonder how many girls here don’t mind it and don’t feel abit slighted if they knew that their wedding gift from their MIL is from cash converter or recycled. Keeping in mind that they are not asking for expensive jewellery but the basic respect from our MIL. We even rarely give 2nd hand or recycled gift to our friend or even we do, we do it in a hush-hush manner because we know our friend will felt hurt if they knew about it. Respect is mutual.
 
You face your partner and his mother. Nothing changes doesn't it? TS has a supportive and understanding partner, so, what's the problem really? Do you need to burn bridges or gun down the MIL? She probably isn't going to stop but so what? damn big problem here??

Yes, MIL is cheapo, what are you going to do about it? WWF? I received gift vouchers in hangbao from a colleague during my wedding. Let it pass. It is as big as deal as you want to make it out to be. Especially when you are talking your spouse's parents here. He is understanding and supportive. But somehow, not enough, u want him to shut his mother and change her into something else altogether?

You might not agree. Up to u. I wish you good luck in your dealing with your inlaws. How much time and effort you want to spend trying to control how others would behave instead of learning to deal with it. It doesn't mean u suddenly become happy and excited abt her cheapo stuns. But, its abt not letting it affect your and your marriage.

Ask yourself honestly. do u need empathy and agreements? oh...What a MISERABLE life. your mil give u old branded bags. So MEAN, she doesn't deserves any respect being such a cheapo auntie. Look at the mirror. What does the reflection tell u.
 
my husband's friend gave him some jewellery to give to me - it belonged to the friend's ex. My husband helped him to move his things out from the apartment and then he gave this box to my husband, told him to pass to me. when i opened it, it was some pieces of jewellery .. i wanted to return but the husband said it's not polite plus it's unlikely he wanted anything belonging to his ex in his new place so he told me to keep. i still have the box in the safe, but never used the items though. it was certainly not done in a hush-hush manner - i knew where it came from!

outcast, when you receive a family heirloom, which i think a lot of girls wouldn't mind receiving, isn't it also, in a way, recycled? but because it's an item of value then that makes it ok?

personally i have even received a spoon from my in-laws .. lol .. but it has the names of the 1st born in the family on the back, starting with my FIL's name, then my husband's and then my eldest daughter's name so it is treasured now. but before, when the husband was in his teens, he didn't care for it and even used it to scoop cat food! it was only after we had our 1st child that he and his mom frantically searched for the spoon.

sometimes it's not due to the monetary value of an item but because of sentimental value.
 
milo, i have also received gift vouchers in angbao during my wedding .. but I don't see anything wrong in getting that. is it frowned upon?
 
Hi, cuclainne

No, its not about the value of the gift but the meaning behind the gift. If the spoon is the family heirloom and its passed down within family, then to me, its much valuable then any jewellery because its represent the trust and acceptance of me as her DIL and be part of their family.
 
Outcast, my point is - what is the point of complaining about future MIL to the high heavens?

So MIL likes to go to Cash Converters to buy jewelry or chooses something of a "weird design". Tastes differ, opinions differ. What TS feels is respectable may very well be different from what MIL feels is respectable. So MIL likes to look for a good bargain by going through 'vintage' goods. So what is TS going to do about it? Continue to complain about MIL?

It's a non-issue. Just donate it.

Trying to get vindication for her complaints? I see that happening already. What's the point?

TS, your fiance may very well agree with you now about his mother's antics. Perhaps he's pandering to you now, but one day he's going to get tired of your incessant complaints. It certainly won't just stop at this, unless you make changes yourself.
 
Whoa I didn't know there is so much coming out from the thread, I thought it more or less has ended.

Milo, magma and the rest, I'm not making this out to be a big deal but if it seems like I have, I don't mean it to be that. Also, I'm not saying I don't treasure it because it is used or second hand. I don't like it because of two reasons - she gave it out of insincerity, just wanted to get rid of things and pushed them to me. Secondly, I don't use second hand bags or clothes!

If I also do sound like I'm complaining to the high heavens, well I never made it out to be! Maybe I'm too immature. Maybe my opinion may change in future. But for now, I'm just looking for a solution if there is to tell her nicely that I don't want them or to prevent her from giving me those things.

If my mom in law likes to scour for good bargains and gives them to me sincerely out of a good heart, I shall definitely accept.
 
wat we expect change nothing on wat we will get. u expect cash, get voucher oso nothing u can do right? That's why i say to you. Good Luck. Life is bigger than MIL giving u used branded bags. This is my advise, don't let this kind of things bother you too much. Its good that the world are all full of nice people treating us so well. But, to expect that is another thing. Be realistic and know what to expect from your MIL. She probably isn't going to change much. Why fight that? Be firm when there is a need to. Don't fight battles or get upset over things that doesn't help. Just let your husband manage his mum and tell her that you don't use old stuffs. She is entitled to her opinion abt that. She might complain that you are wasteful blah blah blah... just don't entertain her nags nor her demands. After sometime she realize you just get rid of those stuffs, she will probably not give them to u anymore.
 
How do you know that she was being insincere? Don't assume if you are not sure. :-)

Those are branded bags like Gucci and Prada. She need not give them to you. I can understand how you feel about being given "second hand goods", but I feel that you shouldn't make it sound like she's giving you rubbish...
 
Since your MIL has selective hearing, just let your husband handle her. If it still doesn't work, just accept them and then dispose of them discretely. I think there is no need to analyse your MIL's intentions and every word that she said. It will only make your life miserable. Be thankful that you don't have to live with her after marriage.
 
Hi Joy,

I think as DILs, we sometimes need to learn how to refrain from thinking too much into our MIL's actions.

For me, I have been living w them for abt 1.5 years. BTO flat will be ready in March. Just a few days ago, I smsed her saying that we are not returning home that day for dinner and thanked her. And she smsed back "I should thank u guys. Why I said that becos dad saw how much (my hubby) loves u even u dont do much housekeeping ur room. Lately dad appreciated what I had done even without (our maid) around"

And I was like "What the.." The effect is like sending someone a card saying "Thanks for the food coz it makes my husband appreciate my cooking even more" So as u can guess my mood for that day at work was pretty affected by that simple messsage.

But I guess what is more impt is that after work, I related the whole incident to my husband. And he, being the son of hers who has been living w her for so many years, made me understand what his mom had wanted to express. In this case, her true meaning coupled w her bad EQ and bad command of English produced this very poisonous SMS.

It's pretty hard at times for me, but I am still learning coz some ppl cannot be changed but our perception can.
 
Career, if you know your MIL to be "In this case, her true meaning coupled w her bad EQ and bad command of English produced this very poisonous SMS", it will help a great deal to call instead of text her if you need to communicate with her.
 
Career: doll has a v gd point. For parents or elders who are not so well-versed in using sms or english, it is definitely better to call ur MIL instead of using text. N i think she made the effort to try n reply u thro sms despite it not being her comfort zone. Its more sincere as well if u call her n chat for a few mins.

Joy: Hmm, actually I think tat the idea of accepting the 2nd hand items n selling it or giving it to charity is a gd idea. Pls dun throw it away. Branded items u can clean it n sell online or 2nd hand shops, then use a part of the $ for ur MIL's bd or buy food home. Other items can bring to the salvation army. Take it as doing a gd deed. =>
 
Stay focused on what's most important between you, your hubby and your MIL- your marriage. Don't let things that are out of the sphere of your control affect you, and eventually your marriage, too much. Better to just learn how to deal with it. Bo pian, we're chinese- we pretty much marry the guy's whole family when we marry him! Haha.
 
Hi guys, I haven't been in here for a loooong time because for the past few days I forgot my mobile broadband modem and thus could not login to this site. Company network blocks this site too..
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Anyway thanks for the comments. I have since sold most of the bags, left a few smaller items.
 


Wow, Joy, things happened really quickly for you, from the day you complained about the second-hand items to the day most handbags were sold it was just a matter of six days!!!!! Guess you weren't that "helpless" in the first place. So you just wanted to rant about being passed pre-loved items yah because you feel being disrespected for???
 
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