How to Get over it

I

Imagination

New Member
I met a girl in work a few years ago. She works for me and i was her mentor. A few months later, she told me, she saw i was stress out and wanted to help me to relieve those stress. She knows i am happily married and i thought this is just a fling she is going through. Beside she has a couple of boyfriends during those times and all never worked out. I never think too much about it, even i do have some liking for her, until around 9 months ago, she has decided to tell me, she wanted me to talk to her over coffee to have a good chat than being physical. We began to have real conversation and in very short time, i realise what she has done for me, knowing she has her real feeling for me in the very early stage growing from admiration to love. She kept herself loving me without me knowing it as she doesn't to break up my family. Realising she has her truth love for me, i began to felt for it and realising we are genuine loving each other. I even propose to marry her instead, which she also flatly rejected, as she doesn't want me to live with regret in the future and blame her. thus i agreed best for both of us is to be brother & sister.

Before we part, she has requested me to put a ring on her finger as a memento. She then decided to move forward and met a guy whom is not the best choice,as she has to settle with whoever comes along at the right time. However, my jealousy got the better of me, and i questioned her why she keep she think about me still. She blew up and said i have hurt her deeply with such remark and decided to end everything. Knowing i am being unreasonable, as i have a family to take care of, she has been living in pain last few years and the pain is more now.

We still work together and see each other daily, apart from that, she refused to get into any conversation. I can see she is trying to be strong. As a lot of stuffs in her house have been provided with memory. I have asked her, can i rewind the time for us to be close again to be able to hang out like 2 weeks ago. She agreed to it, however, when i do it, she just said no..I know she is trying to push me away so that i can just settled down. She sent me a message 2 days back, saying her wish for me is to be happy as always. When she is gone, she hope i will be happier and i know her pain for doing so. With such message, i feel worst than ever, as clearly she hope i understand her decision and it is painful as well. I am now also in pain, why she decided to wake me up and let me felt in love with her and then she moved on? Now am i living with guilt? I am not sure, as i know i live with very very heavy heart each second of the day and it affect my family as well. I am trying to get over it but those last few messages she sent leave me with tears. Those message include, if we have met earlier than my marriage, we will be holding hand without guilt and fear. She also said, i am being a businessman will affect my reputation, if this gets out.

I know i am a rotten egg and deserve to be stone to death. However, the love is not something we went out to look for it.. It is something that happen over a period of 5+ years. It is a long time for a girl to support a guy in silent. Unless i am cold blooded, anyone with a heart will be move by such unconditional love. Seeing her smile is also something that makes the day.. even she is now probably in love with another man. She promised, i will always have a part in her heart and her mum called me to inform me i have misunderstood her daughter as she is genuine in love with me still. And wanted me to be able to be there for her daughter when she needs me. I am puzzle with such remark...Please advise what i should do to get over it? It is painful..
 


TS, nobody can advice you what to do to get over this because only you can do so.
And you can only help yourself when you have decided what to do with this relationship.
As much as you want, you cant have the best of both world which is what you are trying to achieve.
Yes, it's sad to belong to someone else when the right one comes along but you are not prepare to give
up your family, then please let this girl go. Before you make your final decision, you should just stay away
from her. Love is selfish but you are greedy.
 
Regardless whether love is something you two went out to look for or not, it doesn’t change the fact that you are married and you have a family that needs you. When you said your marriage vows, you have made the commitment to your wife to be with her through happiness and hardship - to cherish her and always be faithful to her. To let yourself succumb to fall in love with someone else, you have already hurt both of them because you have mentally strayed from your marriage. Secondly, you led on a woman that you can never truly provide her with the companionship and support a guy can give to a woman he loved and cherish.

Since the girl has helped you to make the decision to not destroy your “happy” family, you should really just focus on your family and forget about her. If possible, do not work in the same environment as her because her presence be refreshed every time you see her. Keep a distance from her. Next time her mother contact you, you have to keep your distance - tell her firmly that your love with her cannot be continued thus you cannot be there for her as she wants you too. You are married with a family that you cherished. You are sorry for everything that had happened between the two of you.

Lastly, spend more time with your wife and children, go out as a family, spend more time together. Having a distraction from her, building up closer bonds with your family would help you get over with the pain. Channel the remaining love you have for the girl to your family, they deserved more of your time, care and concern.
 
Spend some time reading about books that draw out points to ensure success in a marriage, they will give you more insights about marriage and how to sustain it. There is a documentary about love, scientist said the feeling of love is caused by a chemical reaction in the brain that inhibits logical and enhance the feeling of euphoria thus someone feels loved. Within 3-5 years of "being in love" the chemical reaction in the brain fades but what sustain a marriage when the love fades away, is the commitment, sense of responsibility and faithfulness one has for their SO and care and concern of their kids that make one continue sustaining a marriage.

You will get over with the lost love even if it is painful. Look for a new direction with your family and perhaps you will see the light at the end of the tunnel. Jiayou!
 
Look buddy, it is very flattering for your ego as a guy for a gal to hit on you like this. Humans are emotional and you entertained all the thoughts to pursue further. That is why you get into the mess. We will continue to be attracted to other ladies beyond marriage, it is not just lust. How you exercise the right level of control is key. The feelings you are experiencing is OVER-RATED. It is very normal and common. Not the love story of the century. How much do you cherish your family and marriage?

Get a grip over yourself. Cold turkey is the best treatment. The more you learn to cope with your temptations, the stronger and more confident you will get to deal with them. The more you give in, the more you dwell in your own selfish lies. It is surely very nice feeling to have a sweet young thing having something for you.
 
Like it or not, you would have heard this phrase repeatedly over the past 1+ year - it may or may not have been directed at you before but it's clear that you should "Let It Go"... It's obvious that the girl has thought about the repercussions of continuing on such a tready relationship (either that, or she is a clever manipulative girl who uses reverse psychology), hence she has stepped away from you. The feeling of falling in love (scientifically called limerence) is temporary and fleeting and though every break-up is painful in its own way, it's time for you to step away too and "let it go"... What true love should be is more than just a feeling (like the one you're having towards this girl now) but the commitment that you have vowed to your wife on your wedding day to be with her for better or for worse till death do you part. Think of the time when you first fell in love with your wife - why would you want to throw away all those years you've spent together just so you can potentially re-start the whole process again with this girl (and potentially throw it away all over again when yet another girl comes along down the road)? What has happened in your relationship with your wife that you're now tempted to be with this other girl instead? Identify the root causes, work on them, and strengthen the marriage that you now already have. Be a man of your word that you gave to your wife on your wedding day and renew your commitment to her. Real love isn't just a feeling. It is a whole lot of commitment and work. It is often best displayed in a marriage relationship. Your wife has seen you stripped to your core within your marriage with her and still stays committed to you. No matter how deep and how well this other girl knows you, it can hardly ever reach the same core that your wife has seen you and you can never tell how this other girl will react when she knows you like how your wife knows you. Don't risk it all - stay true to your wife and cherish her and hopefully, your love for her will grow again in time...
 
Thank you all for the comments..We have managed to move away last 2 months, she was with her boyfriend and i am back with my family. All was well, until last few weeks, apparently her boyfriend asked her to marry him, which she unwillingly agreed, and eventually they broke up. She always claimed she never wanted to break up my family. she just wanted us to remain as close friend, yet now, she said she will married someone else to make me guilt for life. She hate me so much. She has nothing to look forward to in her life. Her life was full of inspiration, hope and fulfilling ahead of her.. Now she has nothing.. She wanted me to be a man and stand up for it.. If i still care for her. I still care for the family and yet i cannot see her destroying herself..But my pleasant make her emotionally unstable. What can i do help her? I feel very bad seeing her go through it on her own.. I have family to go back to ..she doesn't.
 
Stay away from her since you can't leave your family . Disappear completely from her life and give her a chance to start a new chapter on her own without you. That will be her only way out else this endless cycle will cause her a lifetime of misery . This is the price she have to pay for loving you. is that what you want? perhaps ...only you know
 
We have made our promised to stay working together regardless of situation for next few years. She also said leaving is not a option. Thus we will continue to see each other in work.
 
Having emotional affairs in office is the sure way to royally screw up yourself. Your reputation, marriage and career on on the chopping board here. There will always be someone in your team or other team that is waiting for the opportunity to replace you. No one is indenpensible in work. For your own sake, you know this is threading on dangerous ground. Since she is going to work in your team still, you need to ensure it is strictly professional. Decline any informal meet up and coffee chats. Meet only in presence of others. Make it known to her that this is how you guys will work continuing forward. It is for the best.
 
Imagination said:
Thank you all for the comments..We have managed to move away last 2 months, she was with her boyfriend and i am back with my family. All was well, until last few weeks, apparently her boyfriend asked her to marry him, which she unwillingly agreed, and eventually they broke up. She always claimed she never wanted to break up my family. she just wanted us to remain as close friend, yet now, she said she will married someone else to make me guilt for life. She hate me so much. She has nothing to look forward to in her life. Her life was full of inspiration, hope and fulfilling ahead of her.. Now she has nothing.. She wanted me to be a man and stand up for it.. If i still care for her. I still care for the family and yet i cannot see her destroying herself..But my pleasant make her emotionally unstable. What can i do help her? I feel very bad seeing her go through it on her own.. I have family to go back to ..she doesn't.
Click to expand...

So my other hypothesis is right... She is indeed a clever manipulative girl who uses reverse psychology... Don't be fooled by her bag of tricks. Here she was, telling you a couple of months ago that she doesn't want to break up your family and now she's asking you to be a man and stand up for it or else she will guilt-trip you by marrying another man? Be firm in caring for your own family and tell her straight in her face that yes, you ARE being a man by standing up for what is right, which is continuing to care for YOUR own family first rather than getting further involved with her. She can seek further counseling if she wants for her unstable emotions but she should not continue these mind games with you. Explain clearly to her that whatever relationship both of you can have now is purely platonic and only on a professional basis. Don't risk her getting too clingy or dependent on you emotion-wise or you'll risk digging a deeper hole in this problem. The more you display to her that you're feeling bad about it, the more she has to capitalize on your "weak spot" and continue to manipulate you further. Your family's happiness is on the line here - don't risk throwing it all away just because of this girl who seems bent on getting her way with you...
 
Back at work today, she is purely platonic and professional in return. Never wants to talk about personal feeling except work.
 
It may be just a technique. Girls don't like to be label as a bad women who snatch others husband. So, girls need to use indirect way to let the guy left the family naturally. And don't be surprise that most of the girls know how to use it, by natural. If a girl really want to end the relationship, she will just step out from your life quietly and never ever return. I do believe she still love you thats why she still want to stay in your life even you're not making a firm decision after so long. Pls let the girl go or let your wife go, i meant totally go! You're so lucky that you now still can choose to have anyone of them. I think sooner or later, both will leave you (totally disappear) from your life if you're still indecisive.
 
Imagination said:
Back at work today, she is purely platonic and professional in return. Never wants to talk about personal feeling except work.
Click to expand...

Whether her actions like what you stated above is just another psychological tactic of hers or she really is cutting ties off with you, leave it as it is. Just be as platonic and professional. There's no need for you to keep wondering why she isn't talking anymore about her personal feelings and there's no need for you to question her further on it either. You asked "how to get over it" in your thread title? This is how you get over it. And it ends here.
 
so u love her becos she said she loves u?

ru for real?

geez u're a very weak man.

since it's so hard for u to man up, i suggest u stay status quo and opt for an open relationship.

if she really loves u, she will say yes.

yes, a love so great that's beyond ownership and commitment...

very attractive... AND i'm for real.
 
we had a business trip together this week and she made herself very clear on what's her expectation. She mentioned, if i am to divorce the family, whom she regards with such high esteem, expectation, respect and care for, as totally irresponsible. Regardless of what feeling we have for each other, we have to do what's right. It is about doing the right thing and not what we like. Otherwise we will hurt a lot of people around us in the process. Thus her reason for avoiding me and hate me, as she know i always make her desire to fall back into me when we are together, and she cannot leave at all. She will carry a lot of guilt with her, causing random emotion anger and if i love her, i should support her to move out from me. She said she knows i cannot managed 2 women in my life and why hanging her there. The feeling has to be lock up. Past will become happy memories..Everything else, we will meet in next life..
 
You have already cause hurt to ur family when u develop feeling for this girl. Do u still remember ur wife has also done alot for u..u mention this girl did alot to love u so did ur wife and children..how selfish can u be..she wasted her youth for u and bare ur children and next moment u are thinking of dumping her for ur fatansy and romance..u and ur wife been thru some romance too right have u forgotten all? Wife changed after having kids.. and I believe ur so sweet sister now will change too.. people always paint the best picture when they are still single, dating and not married....
 
I agree with Isabella84. From the moment you read the vow and put a ring on your wife, you're a married man with heavy responsibilitieS. You should be thinking for your family instead of yourself and your fantasy. Building a family isn't just one or two days' effort. It takes time to build. You wouldn't want to see all these go down the drain. You're a businessman. You should know the opportunity costs involved. Weigh your consequences. Not worth being a cheating husband in a moment of folly. Rather, engage your family with more family bonding time and that includes dating with your wife (for your fantasy and romance). Don't be a victim of that sister's reverse psychology. Who knows she might just be aiming for your wealth.
 
有一種愛叫 無私 與放棄。 i had never been anywhere near an attached or married guy. i wont give any chance to be the one who ruin a family. its not love, its selfish and its lust. dump that. there is your wife and your kids waiting for you at home. that is where you and your heart should be. if there is some prob between you and your wife, you should try to work it out with her. that girl you love isnt going to die without you, but your wife and your kids need you. turn back, my dear.
 
No matter how beautiful the other girl is, no matter how pitiful the other girl is.... what abt your own wife?
when you married her, she is the most beautiful girl in your life.

you seems like pitying the other girl... then if shit hits the fan, what abt ur own wife? does she deserve the unhappiness because you want to be there for that other girl.
we girls are not meant to be toyed.

Be firm with the other girl

"I am married, sorry i have to draw the line"
 
Taiwanesedrama.series.com
Since yr extra r/s is so lovely dovey...Y not u tell yr wife in her eyes/face and see what happens ?Did not see you mentioning yr love for yr wife in these 3pages of content.
Pls be a man dun be a clown or puppet
Anyway,clap clap** you managed to find a person who is like u- able to manipulate and exploit each other's feelings
 
You had chose your wife a few years ago for a reason. You made the life changing decision for a reason. Don't you think it is unfair for your wife , knowing that she has given her trust in you years back for you to take care of her and be there for her through thick and thin. What my advice for you is to be a man. A responsible and sensible one that is. :)

Go back to your wife and try to fix whatever is wrong with the relationship. Instead of taking the easy way out of escaping from your problems. This girl is definitely not helping your situation any better. If she is really truly sincere in not wanting to disrupt your marriage, she would not even entertain anyyyy form of contact from you. Believe me, I have seen a lot of these cases happening. Always end up in the same fate. Guy leaves wife. Guy get together with mistress. All seems fine and dandy in the beginning. Soon, everyone will show their true selves. Both parties find it hard to accept each other flaws. ( which is absolutely normal cus all relationships go through ups and downs ) Both parties get stressed up. Both decided to part ways. Find it very familiar? Cus that cycle happened before to the first marriage. Believe me... this will always be a cycle. There is no easy way out. You just need to solve your current issues and not be selfish. :)

Take care and I hope that you will get to solve your problems too. Happy New Year, imagination.
 
Thank you all for the advise..It hasn't been an easy journey in the last few months. I still carry my responsibility for the family.. Too Many things happened in a very short period of time...Hopefully 2016 will be a smoother year ahead..
 
"It is something that happen over a period of 5+ years. It is a long time for a girl to support a guy in silent. Unless i am cold blooded, anyone with a heart will be move by such unconditional love."

Question: What about your wife? If that girl has loved you for 5+ years, how many years of unconditional love has your wife given you? Since you have a heart, are you not moved by her love?

If you're not, then please set your wife free. You're cheating on an innocent woman, one who has stood by you all these years. You thought it was "only a fling". How would you feel if your wife had "just a fling"? Do your marriage vows mean nothing to you? Does your wife deserve this?

You're filled with pity and heartbreak for this woman. I'm filled with pity and heartbreak for your wife. Please either make a clean break with that woman, or respect your wife and get a divorce (with full alimony and clarification of everything so that everyone knows that it's your fault, not hers.) You talk about your reputation as a businessman and all. What is the good of a nice reputation if the core is rotten?
 
Move on dude. Whatever the girl is crying over can't compare the family you had. Unless something went wrong between you and your wife caused you to seek for emotional affair elsewhere. So still, you should look into your marriage first and find out what went wrong in resulting such complicated scenario to happen.

Imagination said:
I met a girl in work a few years ago. She works for me and i was her mentor. A few months later, she told me, she saw i was stress out and wanted to help me to relieve those stress. She knows i am happily married and i thought this is just a fling she is going through. Beside she has a couple of boyfriends during those times and all never worked out. I never think too much about it, even i do have some liking for her, until around 9 months ago, she has decided to tell me, she wanted me to talk to her over coffee to have a good chat than being physical. We began to have real conversation and in very short time, i realise what she has done for me, knowing she has her real feeling for me in the very early stage growing from admiration to love. She kept herself loving me without me knowing it as she doesn't to break up my family. Realising she has her truth love for me, i began to felt for it and realising we are genuine loving each other. I even propose to marry her instead, which she also flatly rejected, as she doesn't want me to live with regret in the future and blame her. thus i agreed best for both of us is to be brother & sister.

Before we part, she has requested me to put a ring on her finger as a memento. She then decided to move forward and met a guy whom is not the best choice,as she has to settle with whoever comes along at the right time. However, my jealousy got the better of me, and i questioned her why she keep she think about me still. She blew up and said i have hurt her deeply with such remark and decided to end everything. Knowing i am being unreasonable, as i have a family to take care of, she has been living in pain last few years and the pain is more now.

We still work together and see each other daily, apart from that, she refused to get into any conversation. I can see she is trying to be strong. As a lot of stuffs in her house have been provided with memory. I have asked her, can i rewind the time for us to be close again to be able to hang out like 2 weeks ago. She agreed to it, however, when i do it, she just said no..I know she is trying to push me away so that i can just settled down. She sent me a message 2 days back, saying her wish for me is to be happy as always. When she is gone, she hope i will be happier and i know her pain for doing so. With such message, i feel worst than ever, as clearly she hope i understand her decision and it is painful as well. I am now also in pain, why she decided to wake me up and let me felt in love with her and then she moved on? Now am i living with guilt? I am not sure, as i know i live with very very heavy heart each second of the day and it affect my family as well. I am trying to get over it but those last few messages she sent leave me with tears. Those message include, if we have met earlier than my marriage, we will be holding hand without guilt and fear. She also said, i am being a businessman will affect my reputation, if this gets out.

I know i am a rotten egg and deserve to be stone to death. However, the love is not something we went out to look for it.. It is something that happen over a period of 5+ years. It is a long time for a girl to support a guy in silent. Unless i am cold blooded, anyone with a heart will be move by such unconditional love. Seeing her smile is also something that makes the day.. even she is now probably in love with another man. She promised, i will always have a part in her heart and her mum called me to inform me i have misunderstood her daughter as she is genuine in love with me still. And wanted me to be able to be there for her daughter when she needs me. I am puzzle with such remark...Please advise what i should do to get over it? It is painful..
Click to expand...
 
Maybe you can think about the things your wife have done for the family over the years. Right now you are focusing on what you have with the girl, regardless of 5 years or not. Your wife deserves your attention more!
 
Imagination said:
I met a girl in work a few years ago. She works for me and i was her mentor. A few months later, she told me, she saw i was stress out and wanted to help me to relieve those stress. She knows i am happily married and i thought this is just a fling she is going through. Beside she has a couple of boyfriends during those times and all never worked out. I never think too much about it, even i do have some liking for her, until around 9 months ago, she has decided to tell me, she wanted me to talk to her over coffee to have a good chat than being physical. We began to have real conversation and in very short time, i realise what she has done for me, knowing she has her real feeling for me in the very early stage growing from admiration to love. She kept herself loving me without me knowing it as she doesn't to break up my family. Realising she has her truth love for me, i began to felt for it and realising we are genuine loving each other. I even propose to marry her instead, which she also flatly rejected, as she doesn't want me to live with regret in the future and blame her. thus i agreed best for both of us is to be brother & sister.

Before we part, she has requested me to put a ring on her finger as a memento. She then decided to move forward and met a guy whom is not the best choice,as she has to settle with whoever comes along at the right time. However, my jealousy got the better of me, and i questioned her why she keep she think about me still. She blew up and said i have hurt her deeply with such remark and decided to end everything. Knowing i am being unreasonable, as i have a family to take care of, she has been living in pain last few years and the pain is more now.

We still work together and see each other daily, apart from that, she refused to get into any conversation. I can see she is trying to be strong. As a lot of stuffs in her house have been provided with memory. I have asked her, can i rewind the time for us to be close again to be able to hang out like 2 weeks ago. She agreed to it, however, when i do it, she just said no..I know she is trying to push me away so that i can just settled down. She sent me a message 2 days back, saying her wish for me is to be happy as always. When she is gone, she hope i will be happier and i know her pain for doing so. With such message, i feel worst than ever, as clearly she hope i understand her decision and it is painful as well. I am now also in pain, why she decided to wake me up and let me felt in love with her and then she moved on? Now am i living with guilt? I am not sure, as i know i live with very very heavy heart each second of the day and it affect my family as well. I am trying to get over it but those last few messages she sent leave me with tears. Those message include, if we have met earlier than my marriage, we will be holding hand without guilt and fear. She also said, i am being a businessman will affect my reputation, if this gets out.

I know i am a rotten egg and deserve to be stone to death. However, the love is not something we went out to look for it.. It is something that happen over a period of 5+ years. It is a long time for a girl to support a guy in silent. Unless i am cold blooded, anyone with a heart will be move by such unconditional love. Seeing her smile is also something that makes the day.. even she is now probably in love with another man. She promised, i will always have a part in her heart and her mum called me to inform me i have misunderstood her daughter as she is genuine in love with me still. And wanted me to be able to be there for her daughter when she needs me. I am puzzle with such remark...Please advise what i should do to get over it? It is painful..
Click to expand...


She confirm playing mind games with you.
 
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