How to deal with this

S

silkycatie

New Member
When a couple quarrel, or in some unhappiness.. Is it better to talk things out or keep it tat way n try to forget bout the whole thing?

Me n hubby into some argument.. Actually can't say its argument.. Coz he didn't seem wanna talk about it when I told him bout my unhappiness n unfairness treatment over an issue. He didn't react to it nor do anything bout it even when I refused to talk to him for days. Daily he's still talking to me happily as usual as if nothing has happened. But when I'm in isolation mode, I did catch glimpse of him rubbing his eyes.. Which seem like wiping off his tears. So what is it now? Does he care or does he not?

I hope to forget bout the entire episode but I wanna hear his explanation. What should I do to make him talk?
 


I suggest you read up more books about relationships and gender differences and also on dealing with people with differing personality traits. You seem to be clueless that everyone is different!
 
Milo, thanks for your suggestions. I'm sure everyone deals with things differently even if pple of the same gender. If I would have known or have a clear picture, I wouldn't have posted here to seek for another opinions.
 
Junkie,

I do not know if I m over sensitive.. But I am someone who doesn't bear grudges for long. But I really felt upset this time.

He called back one night told me he got promoted at work n intend to meet up one of his buddy as tat buddy just found a new job too, wanna catch up n chill n promised to be home before midnight. I felt happy for them n told him to go ahead n I will see him home at nite for own world. I planned for a mini celebration, n prepared a simple meal while waiting for him. I chose to cook cuz whenever he's back home after gg out with his friends, he always came back hungry, n often I will end up cooking instant noodles for him.

So... When its bout time, I really got excited so I text him a SMS to ask him the specific timing he will return home as often his time will stretch over a little. I asked for the time so I can start to warm up the food n wait. He didn't reply me so I follow up with another SMS after an hour in case he nv receive it. When he finally replied, he told me he's still outside n accused me saying I behaved like a possessive women n asked me to stop SMS him. I was dumbfolded.. What is wrong of a wife to ask what time her hubby returning home? Its not as if I was blasting his phone.. I only sent out 2 msges in total. I kept my cool.. N replied him telling him about the surprises at home.. But if he wants, he can chose to stay with his friends. He didn't reply me after tat n came home really late tat nite.

I am really affected by this. I do not mind him gg out with his friends till late, but shouldn't he update me? When I told him bout the surprise at home, he din bother to reply me whether he's returning home to eat, n purposely returned home late.

The very next day, again.. I text him bout my unhappiness but he dun seem to be bothered n nv reply me. When at home.. We ended up not talking to each other. Days passed, n I kinda gave in so I sent him another text msg.. Tat I misses him.. He didn't reply. When back home he talks to me like as if nothin' happened... After awhile, I tried to make small talks with him but he simply into his TV n iPhone.. When I m in my isolation mode, he nv bother to talk nor do anything but I just saw him wiping his tears off.

I am really puzzled with his actions. I tot probably just let the matter rest n move on but I can't. Where is my thoughtful hubby? Of the years together, this is the first time I was treated this way.. N been lately, I started to feel tat he had changed somehow. He became more insensitive n bochap at some point. We seem to get drifted as days goes.

Now today, he told me he's not gg to work n went out without telling me where he's gg. If its still the usual me, i will call or text him when i woke up but after this incident, i can't bring myself to call or text him again.
 
well kinda trivia... dun think u really need any explanation from him rite? u just wan u guys to kiss and make up :P

But, dun u feel something is bothering him rite now?

now is Not the time to è€èŠ±æžª with him...

pay more attention to details, if u really care.
 
Junkie

It's not bout kiss n made up so simple. If its a trivia matter I will sure forgo. I just got a feeling tat its not just gg to end here. It already have layers over layers on this.

Now, I just text him tat I'm still hoping to hear from him. N very nicely, he is turning the table ard saying I am the one who started all these shit without respecting him in the first place. So what is it now? He's playing the game of I bite u, so u bite me back?

I know in certain ways I may have displeased him in certain ways esp with my foul temper n mood swing. But often I will make it up without expressing any apology. Tats my fault I agree. But frankly, he had nv tell me where I've done wrong, how am I gonna know if I wasn't told? He bottles everything to himself n lately showing his colors one by one.. So what can I do bout it? I told him we should talk n express his thoughts.. He went silent mode again
 
"Now, I just text him tat I'm still hoping to hear from him. N very nicely, he is turning the table ard saying I am the one who started all these shit without respecting him in the first place. So what is it now? He's playing the game of I bite u, so u bite me back?"

Silk cat, you see. You want him not to bottle up his feelings and wanted him to talk. But as soon as he try to address the issues nicely and you jumped right on his back and accusing him on what he says. Are you always not listening to what he has to say? No wonder he is on slient mode.
 
this is the tip of the ice berg. He has been living to your 'expectations' all these while. It doesn't come all natural all the time. It takes effort and he probably felt it counted for nothing. Reporting and updating isn't something natural to him.

Pride is not worth more than the marriage and relationship. Cast aside the fault finding. You might not realize it, even from the description you wrote in here, it already suggests how you stand by our own judgement. Don't fix him. Understand him.

"But often I will make it up without expressing any apology." To you, its an apology, to him, its probably just hiding it under the carpet and 'moving on'. Now, you cannot take it that he does the same. Lee pointed it out quite clearly.

I suggest to do it in different manner. Don't approach him to talk. Its more like a confrontation than anything. Approach him to make up and have quality time. That would help open him up more. Listen more to what he tells u eventually. Don't find a reason to answer to him. He has his reasons for what he believes in.

The more you try to force him to open the less he will open when already in defensive mode. Honestly, please do read up on more on personality traits. It will really help you apply more empathy.
 
Please don't start a conversation with the suspicious mindset that something is wrong with him. It will drive any guy mad!
 
Another point, don't leave things to SMS. You plan a surprise knowing he is out. you leave it to SMS instead of calling him. Is making a call too difficult ? To tell him you wish he will be back to celebrate the promotion together?? Seems the entire dating time in the relationship, its a one way traffic communication.... i.e. u telling him what you like and want and him just accomodating to it.

It is alarming that you are clueless about your spouse. Isn't it?

It is not wrong to be different. Everyone is different. Don't expect him to think like you and have your kind of reporting nature. Don't ask if it is wrong for you. When conflicts occur between couples, there isn't a right and wrong answers. Trashing it out to finally come with a 'right answer' normally arrives at a compromised or given up answer to let one party WIN.

Personally, whenever wife and myself are emotionally frustrated and unable to be loving, its better to take time out, come back and make up when both are feeling better and only talk about it in the right mode. Sometimes, I have to just hug my spouse and assure her we are fine. Just angry and frustrated but I still love her. Not many folks will talk nicely and able to contain their anger so well at the moment. Most of us will sound nasty and perceive anything heard negatively when angry. Nothing so wrong with any of you for feeling like this. We talk when we are in the ready to move on and reflect. Always start by assuring your partner and then exploring the issues objectively not as someones fault but on how you guys can improve and be happier together. It is extremely important to disarm the defensiveness before communication can be effective. Try to understand his frustrations even if you do not agree with his pov. Understanding another person doesn't mean agreeing with them and you don't need to fight him either. Validate his feelings and need to be frustrated, don't trivialize it. When your parter starts to feel you are listening and willing to share his frustrations, he will be less defensive and more willing to also understand your pov as well.

No matter how anger and frustrated he can be, if you response with empathy and love, you would have a much better chance of him responding positively than trying to probe him.
 
"If its a trivia matter I will sure forgo. I just got a feeling tat its not just gg to end here."

of cos it's not going to end.

u keep pursuing the matter... liddat how to end?

u guys hv problem n he's not talking... do u think bugging him days & nites will actually make him talk?

now what can u do if he refuses to talk?

Observe... and a little self-reflection won't hurt either.
 
Milo,

Guess you r right. He's giving the same treatment where I couldn't see from his point of view. But this isn't the first time this way .. I have gave in n move on with many such treatment. Just tat I felt the ball has rolled over getting bigger n felt we should face it face to face.

The thing is we were okay before tat.. Happy n talking n sharing until he hit this on me out of no reason. I often let it go thinking he might be stressed out or by certain things bothering him but he recently gave me 'face' after nite out with his friends. I usually dun bother him n let him have his peace when he's out. N sometimes he even complaint tat how come I nv call him.

At times I really do not know how to deal with such matters coz whenever we argue, he likes to dig out the past old things to quarrel about. I'm usually not good with words therefore will keep mum during his confrontation as afraid I will say out the wrong things. I tried to hold my temper since but occasionally it will blast as I just wanna be heard even if its nothing to do with him. I can be nice for the longest time, but 1 blast kills all n he claims I nv change.

I wish to be more understanding.. N do things he likes. He used to ban me from drinking with my mates.. I cut down or stop. But now he is pushing me out to meet them every week. So what's gg on? Has the ball rolled till such tat he simply dun bother?
 
Time to really look that the relationship on the whole. Are you guys good together? Can you both be happy and accomodate instead of feeling somehow you are suppressing yourself in order to maintain peace. There is absolutely nothing bad about conflicts itself. Often, it is a tip to send the alarm bells that something is not quite working in the relationship.

A healthy balance is needed. Like a dance when both take steps to listen, understand and reflect. This way both of you get what you want in the relationship. Work on those communication channels. It seems not existing frankly. Its not about how good you are with your words. That's what my ex tells me everytime when I gave her feedback. Feedback is for communication and not about winning the arguement. There is a good reason why she is my ex. We are not compatible. Period. This is what you need to discover. Can you work out a win-win communicational channel and grow to be fearless as you share with your partner? Or is he not the soul mate and understanding partner you need? There are no straight forward answers, some people can function and continue with marriages this way. I'm not one, I need someone that I can trust and give unconditionally and fearlessly.

How about you? You need to spend time to read up more, understand more of the reasons and why things are the way they are. And finally, make that right call to pursue happiness in the way you need them. Its a learning and discovery process.
 
Another point... he probably could have been affected by comments of his peers. A 'lost' of face factor amongst his beer buddies?

How much do you understand him? Does he have a big pride and easily affected by others comments Or maybe, its really just the trig point over all the accumulated resentments all these while.
 
I do felt suppressed whenever I wanna voice out. If it regarding other matters.. No qualms bout it but its only when voicing things out on him I will always think twice.

I tried to engaged ourselves in some activities.. Like gg out for movies or meals.. But he seem to be taking them negatively n claims why I wanna go out so often... But its only 1 day a wk or weeks I requested to do so.

I wanna talk not coz I wanna who win or lose. Tats not impt at all. Tats wat I told him too. Ite bout voicing out n hearing each other out otherwise we will only be kept in own box.

I requested for a hug from him last nite but he just turned n yelled at me. Before bedtime, I sat behind him wanted to give a hug from back, before I can do tat, he just yell n asked me to get away. This is why triggers me to write in here after tat.
 
No, Milo.. He usually do not share problems with anyone. He doesn't like pple to know much of his problems. N I dun think its bout losing face kinda thing as I nv blast his phone. If I did, then its truly not right of me. He is someone who is proud to have me in front of his friends.. Coz his friends envy him as I always cook meals for him n also let him goes out. Some of his friends were grounded by their gfs.. N himself too.. Grounded to go out at all in his past r/s which lasted 10yrs.
 
Oh... N about the text him of the surprise thingy.. Not tat I dunwan to call but base on the past, I noticed tat he hardly pick up phones when out with his friends. So usually a SMS will do the job as he felt more comfortable with it. N some places he goes are with loud music, calling may not be the best options.
 
Hi, seems he doesn't really like outings. Spending quality time is less on the engagement in activities but the focus on intimacy and bonding in the relationship. It can be watching DVD, cooking, relaxing on the sofa, bathing together, having strolls in the park, swim or just a good massage for him. How long have you guys been together... seems he is in some form of mid life crisis? Could be anything that has trig it and I won't rule out the possibility of someone new that makes him compare. But, I won't advise you to probe, dig and suspect. Focus on building the relationship and communication.
 
Based on what you just mentioned about his pattern when going out, then your expectation and attempt to give him a surprise is unrealistic. The timing is not appropriate and you set yourself for the disappointment frankly.
 
Hmmm, for the surprise thingy, it doesn't matter whether he makes it home early to have it. I am okay even if he return home in the morning n ask for it. But point is tat, he din seem appreciative nor reply me tat he couldn't make it home on time. I would've felt better tat way. At least I got an ans.

I was suspecting of someone new but ceased tat idea cos I chose to believe him. N I nv do little acts to spotcheck coz it will just ruin the trust between us. All these started after he gets into regional team n often fly ard. I know he's tired most of the time, therefore I cook more regularly since he enjoys my cooking, so we can stay home more. I dun mind coping with work n cook almost daily as long he is happy. But on weekends, at times, I prefer to stay out as I work from home n 24/7 I'm facing the wall. I knew he needs to catch up with friends so often encourage him to meet them when they invite him. Of coz, I would not say all these are done perfectly as it sometimes acc by Xiao Jie mood. If he wanna stay home, I got him entertained by DVDs or online movies too. N leave him alone to have personal space with his iPhone or games.

We r together coming to 4 yrs. N celebrating our first yr marriage in few months. We stayed together during dating days.. Nothing changes in environment except his working overseas.
 
why not give both of u some time to cool down b4 u try to fix ur problem?

to piece everything together, u need a clear head to think abt things logically...

i suggest u watch from a distance to get the bigger picture.
 
How to appreciate something he didn't expect and wanted, just want you imposed thinking its nice and somehow you expect him to behave differently. You know he isn't going to be responsive to your calls and SMS, then why the expectation? Weird and quite unreasonable imho.

If he is outside and busy, he will not checking his mailbox or SMS religiously. This is common sense. The expectation that somehow anyone would do that is simply unrealistic. For sure, one would not be appreciative of it. Don't expect press button response.
 
Milo,
He is not responsive to calls n yes to SMS. He always respond to SMS when out but only slower. He also knew tat I planning something coz I always not good in hiding surprises. Will always disclose abit here n there. He usually dun react such way therefore it just caught me.

junkie,

Perhaps time to cool the only way out now. I dunwan to react being too pushy also. I might have pushed him n gg to stop here. Not gg to mention anything already... Just gg to move on from here.
 
i see your point and need to wind down outside as your 'office' is at home. This need is probably very opposite his. You probably need to wind down without him mostly. Likewise, for him, he will need time to wind down at home. Relaxing doing absolutely nothing or just aimless channel searching, internet browsing can be a form of wind down for him.

The change in the work environment has probably bringforth the changes in the needs to maintain some balance in the personal spaces and how to spend time relaxing.
 
N also, if we ever gg to talk bout this again.. How should I place my words across? Coz usually he will just pushed everything to me n makes me really speechless. I wanted to talk in things peacefully n not pushing any responsibilities. He dun tell me anything of where went wrong n i wouldn'tknow how to get things moving.
 
hi silky_cat, as mentioned, 1st find the right timing when he is in the good mood to just talk casually and relaxing manner. Assurance is important. Show empathy. Reassure him its not to find fault. You want to know his pov, reasons and frustrations. Only when you can better understand his emotions, would you be more accomdating and sensitive to them. Don't react to them. Validate his emotions, if you need time to reflect on them, take your time. Don't cry or be drama over it.

There need not be a conclusive action plan. Often, the action plan is simply being understanding and supportive. Your reactions in future would naturally reflect more empathy this way. You can write him an email or letter ahead to prepare him.
 
I do understand his wind down at home. N I nv do it every weekly kind. I'm happy to be at home with him but at times I just need to get out. He seem to be unhappy when I'm out without him n I had so call go along with him staying at home too. I'm only out when he has 'dates' with his mates. Or sometimes vice versa.

When he prefer to stay indoor, i at most go without him if there's a need for me to.. Like family dinner or bringing my mom out. But when i prefer to stay home.. Either to visit his parents or to meet his friends, i have to oblige?

He wanted to do more sports coz he knew its unhealthy being a couch potato. I saw tat therefore would love to join him. But he prefer doing on his own.. I'm okay too coz I can be a burden for him to move on as I'm quite lazy n slow. I had gave in to many.. No I wouldn't say its giving in.. More on knowing his needs n such. So wat else can I do?
 
A letter or email? Lol, I'm fact I've wrote one weeks ago but deleted it away when I see things gets better. That's what we usually do in the past. Only tat now I revert to SMS for a start hoping to get him prepared tat we need to talk. Butwas backfired this time. Guessed its the wrong timing.

now can only wait n see how leow.
 
hi Silky, u have a good attitude towards it, its very positive. But it will take 2 to tango. Some guys can be lazy and don't want to work on the relationship after marriage. They expect it to just survive and function on its own. That is not very realistic but many guys do expect that. You guys really need to work out the difference. Don't be kan cheong. it will take time. This giving in and being understanding thingy, it gotta be for a positive impact progressively. If its just suppressing and being miserable, then in the long run, it will only snowball. Personally, I would make sure my efforts to give in are effective for my partner. No point giving in and going extra miles in what I like instead of what is needed and appreciated. Get that recognition and appreciation. Tact is needed here. With practice and trial and errors, u guys will get better.
 
be warned again. SMS has its usefulness but it can be dangerous and lead to misunderstandings. People can be quick to come to judgements over the short messages received and it is going to be hard to reverse the impression after the unhappiness is formed.
 
I do know SMS can be dangerous but out of impulse, it had led to deeper misunderstandings. Tat not what I wanted. I just send him another SMS to ask if he's heading home for dinner 2 hours ago. No replies... Guess tat he wanna be alone. Do you think I should call him? I just wanna talk to him as usual cracking jokes n such.. But thinking twice if I should. I dunwan us to brood over this n move on to better r/s.
 
Okay. He replied tat he's gonna settle his dinner outside. This shall be it. Won't be contacting anymore. Letting him to have some space. Completed my wifey task for today.
 
Milo, you mentioned bout some books, any good title to recommend? I been reading quotes of life on n off coz its something easier to digest as thick books dun keep me for long.
 
Go search for them in libraries. These reference books help you identify common traits and offer relevant usecases that many can relate to. However, do not be quick to categorize and too eager to make judgements based on them. Often, these principles are actually very basic common sense. We just did not realize it and needs some reminders.

The most common & popular phases are like men are like rubber band and women are like waves and men are from mars and women from venus from John Gray's books.
 
and that is why i always advise guys to date women who dun cook, and i advise ladies to always call instead of sms...

i made sure i avoid these 2things when i dated...
 
Milo, thanks for the recommendations. But while browsing thru the books, i gotten myself some books on anger management. Think i need them more. He did complain bout my temper, we both recognised the problem but I didn't know what to do bout it. I usually suppressed my anger in a wrong way and even if had done it well, they're only temporary.

While reading the first 2 chapters on my first book, realised there's so much different types of anger + emotions. Hope can pick up some good pointers along the way.

I'm hiding myself reading these books from him for now, coz not too sure how he will react to it. So before we go into our r/s problem, I first must identify mine first.
 
Thanks Mewmoon, will check out the title too!

Powder, dating a woman who cooks is not always a bad thing. Some men or even women receive love thru the process of cooking together, appreciating the food together. Men do cook for their partner too, and we dun treat it as a chore... its an enjoyment in fact.

I am someone who dun usually cook before knowing him.. afterwhich knowing he love his partner to prepare meals for him, I start to learn and explore different recipes and through this, I really enjoy cooking, and looking at the way he eats, he comments or even 'face cramp' when my tastebuds is sick for the day.

Its only current, I had focus too much looking at the issue, not bout cooking but rather my needs / attention was unmet during the occasion.
 
It is not about cooking.. it is about the expectation..

You are cooking and waiting for him.. but he is not home..

Better off not to expect him to taste your cooking especially when he is out.. and he is not exactly sure when he will be back. You are giving him undue pressure and have unrealistic expectation.
 
Yeap, SM.. truely see and understand where went wrong now. Now I'm not gg to dwell on this matter again. Its looking forward and moving on. Had been too focused and exaggerated on a tiny dot.

Should have wrote in here much earlier and to hear what men gotta say. Spoke to some gfs and what we see is only women's point of view. Now I am awake!
 
well i spent a good part of my life with a mum waiting for me to go home for dinner, sometimes waiting to heat up the food.

as a person who spend alot of time at work and outside, the last thing i need is a wife who cooks n expects me to be home to consume. i think 20 over years of lesson is enough.
 
Silky, anger management for me is about letting go and seeing beyond the issue at hand. I used to scream and scold at my parents, throw temple at my loved ones. I don't do them anymore because I don't see the point in them. See beyond the conflict, where it is heading, how it is helping or ruining things. Are they in line with your needs and goals?

Powder, I'm facing a MIL daily with such expectations. Yes, its a pain. As much as we try to influence her to let go, the ideas are damn deep rooted and hard to change no matter how much we talk, assure and remind her. lolz.
 
I do have quick temper and tend to throw it too fast before I can react at times. I used to think these were mild when I am younger but as years goes, they just come too frequent. I would need time to get a well balance to chill and therefore minimize more damages.

Do agree that if expectations need to be met daily or regular basis.. can really be a pain in the ass. I dont think my regular cooking let him feel tat ba. He is the one who pester me to cook and drives me to do the marketing together. i also make sure I don't do it everyday, coz giving him the buffer to make arrangement to meet his friends and will pre-ampt him b4 i cook. If he has appointment fixed, I will just postpone the dinner date with him.
 
eh... I'm not sure. Maybe due to work? Was in the event line since my first job, and has been 10over years.. handling contractors, designers as well as clients. The fast moving pace and the frustrations of pushing work done from different dept, handling their mood etc...

So now, when I m outside seeing pple e.g. cashier that I'm in queue at being slow and not attentive will irritates me. When hubby supposed to accomplish certain task, but he always drag n drag with no sense of urgency make me irks. Maid sitting there whole day not doing anything makes me boil instantly. I guess thats how I relate all together.
 
Hi Silky Cat,

I admire you for the trust you have in your hubby for not taking it as there is someone else. But i feel that, there needs to be more communication and compromising without resentment to solve the issue. of course easier said than done, so ultimately, it is really the amount of effort each party is willing to put in to make it work out. Just my 2 cent worth.
 


Hi Sue

Actually I had that suspicion recently which lasted for a few days. When he flew back from his overseas posting, he immediately insisted to change to iphone the very next day. His intention of the upgrade was actually end of the year when he can renew his contract. The moment he got the phone, day in n day out.. he is always with it even when doing business in the toilet. It just gradually alarmed me and I started to watch him from behind. He was actually playing games and exchanging some sms throughout. We were quiet and I felt sour... wondering who he was texting... I took out my phone and did the same as what he did. We nv talk... but only focussing on our own mobile. To make things worst, he had been to few geomacy masters before n after knowing me, and everyone said he has a strong 'tao hua' (lady luck) and everywhere (clubs or office) sure got gals want to get close to him.

The feeling wasnt really good actually with tat kind of suspicion, even if its only a day. So after a couple of days later, I tend to 'see open'... thinking thru the days of our dating days and whats make me chosen him. And also my understanding of him in person, the things he done... it just end up trusting him much more. I let my phone down, turned to him n teased him... and we start talking and joking again after tat. Even till today, he still hands on to his phone like usual, but I m just taking it tat - its his new toy~ the boy is still fascinated with his new toy!

Whether anot if my earlier suspicion is true or not, is not important. Instead of keeping it sour, i decided to sparks our relationship better. And yes, communication really very important. If I wouldnt have focus so much on the surprise issue, I wouldnt have hurt the r/s again. But I believe, after this time, we will be stronger.
 
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