How to deal with demanding future mother in law?

[lumomo]

Hello BTB, desperately seeking for advise how to deal with demanding and unreasonable request by future-in-law. It is really upsetting as this is really tearing our relationship of 10 years mark.

We have been together for 10 years and decided to settle down by year 2025. We got excited and starting with our planning in mid 2024, but to our horror, male side parents started playing stun.

BF (Eldest Son, 32) and I (Youngest Daughter, 29) wanting to respect our parents, thought that it would be easier for us by arranging for both families to seat down over a nice dinner and allow them to discuss on our big day plan. My family got excited and told me to plan as per my wish, pure intention for me to be happy, support will be gained from them no matter whatever is my decision going to be. They only want me to be happy with what I do.

Horror happened when BF family asking why is there a need for more than 1 year of wedding planning? His mother would like to meet me personally before meeting my family for discussion, which I did not felt comfortable and called off the whole family meet up. BF and I still planned for another dinner 2 months after first drama happened, both family met, with no conclusion when BF parents have been off topic throughout dinner.

My family felt insulted as they feel BF family have no intention to acknowledge me as their future DIL. On top of that, now they are against our plan for BF to temporarily stay at my parent place till our bto flat is available. Either I move to their house (which I insist of not doing so, they also do not have any room) or for us to buy resale flat (it is so expensive) which I feel there is no need to spend them in resale market when my parent flat is available (my siblings have their small family, I have 2 common room to utilize).

I do not know what I should be doing and would like to seek for any kind soul advise.

Thank you for taking time to read through my life drama.

 

[christmasday]

I'm not sure if it's the same for you but I myself can be overly sensitive. I'm just annoyed by any comments my inlaw / parents make, telling me what to do it especially pisses me off when I've already rejected the idea, they still try and persuade me or my partner to comply. Some things I will ask myself, is also their son's wedding, can I do this and make them happy? Next time I am the mother will I want some attention too? If I can convince myself I will give in. If the request really cross boundaries eg, where to stay is a long term thing not 1 day issue, I will discuss with my partner. Can stay apart or can he give in? Personally I made it very clear that I will not stay with in laws, or my parents in fact. Stay near ok, together I don't want.

 

[lumomo]

I'm not sure if it's the same for you but I myself can be overly sensitive. I'm just annoyed by any comments my inlaw / parents make, telling me what to do it especially pisses me off when I've already rejected the idea, they still try and persuade me or my partner to comply. Some things I will ask myself, is also their son's wedding, can I do this and make them happy? Next time I am the mother will I want some attention too? If I can convince myself I will give in. If the request really cross boundaries eg, where to stay is a long term thing not 1 day issue, I will discuss with my partner. Can stay apart or can he give in? Personally I made it very clear that I will not stay with in laws, or my parents in fact. Stay near ok, together I don't want.

Thank you for sharing, he told me that he does not mind moving over but now, everything is on hold cause of his mother's rejection. Reason they gave is guy should never move in to female house and stay, which is quite a traditional thinking and his parents are also worried that he will get bullied if he stays at my side. Friends around me told me its my bf issue that he could not manage his mother's expectation on this staying portion. I am so torn now...

 

[christmasday]

Thank you for sharing, he told me that he does not mind moving over but now, everything is on hold cause of his mother's rejection. Reason they gave is guy should never move in to female house and stay, which is quite a traditional thinking and his parents are also worried that he will get bullied if he stays at my side. Friends around me told me its my bf issue that he could not manage his mother's expectation on this staying portion. I am so torn now...

Don't be torn.. his behavior is very typical, 9 out of 10 guys will react this way. I hope he has other merits for you guys to date a decade!

Feb 2025 should have balance flat for sale, why not you all try balloting? If you're lucky you'll get a BTO by end 2025!

That would solve the issue

 

[lumomo]

Don't be torn.. his behavior is very typical, 9 out of 10 guys will react this way. I hope he has other merits for you guys to date a decade!

Feb 2025 should have balance flat for sale, why not you all try balloting? If you're lucky you'll get a BTO by end 2025!

That would solve the issue

Thank you for sending loves.. yea we do have intention tp ballot for that too... but I am also poisoned by my family. This is so stressful...

Feeling so lost when you see everyone getting married happily but yours are full of obstacles.

 

[valerias]

Thank you for sharing, he told me that he does not mind moving over but now, everything is on hold cause of his mother's rejection. Reason they gave is guy should never move in to female house and stay, which is quite a traditional thinking and his parents are also worried that he will get bullied if he stays at my side. Friends around me told me its my bf issue that he could not manage his mother's expectation on this staying portion. I am so torn now...

Can consider to have a heart to heart chitchat with your boyboy and pull him down to Earth type of question that cannot siam / dun reply / see later how. Have him to understand that he is the man that is going to be your husband, the father of your future child, his rol is no longer just a child from his parent anymore.

legit question such as
1. Marry and don't live together until BTO ready? if you ok, will he be okay? get him to share with his parent that they would probably have to wait longer to be grandparents if both of you take this move.
2. Rent a room outside? ( Have his parent sponsor, at your home got free room don't want take up the offer )
3. if resale HDB, his parent fork out the money? (both of you only pays the BTO amount) ( parent in law give unreasonable suggestion than throw back unreasonable solution back to them)

tbh, at age 32 (now 33) , he should be firm & mature enough to handle possible disagreement between parent side and wife side. Cannot siam this responsbility and make you to be the bad guy one mah. If not your parent in law where will like you when they thinks that you are the source of the "conflict" . Have him to be the bad guy instead and you play the good guy to get cookie points. that's his job yo.

He could always says things privately behind ( that you cannot say) like
mii, you want faster get grandson not? you need to give me chance to make baby one what.
mii, traditions view really that important ? you see ah, buy resale hor, cost $$$, bto hor cost $$$. the money saved hor, can xxxxx . why soo waste moneyyyy lei. your son not so richhh lahh. thank you mummy you " look up" me ah.

Summary : go talk to him and have him handle this problem.

 

[JustBrowsing]

Can consider to have a heart to heart chitchat with your boyboy and pull him down to Earth type of question that cannot siam / dun reply / see later how. Have him to understand that he is the man that is going to be your husband, the father of your future child, his rol is no longer just a child from his parent anymore.

legit question such as
1. Marry and don't live together until BTO ready? if you ok, will he be okay? get him to share with his parent that they would probably have to wait longer to be grandparents if both of you take this move.
2. Rent a room outside? ( Have his parent sponsor, at your home got free room don't want take up the offer )
3. if resale HDB, his parent fork out the money? (both of you only pays the BTO amount) ( parent in law give unreasonable suggestion than throw back unreasonable solution back to them)

tbh, at age 32 (now 33) , he should be firm & mature enough to handle possible disagreement between parent side and wife side. Cannot siam this responsbility and make you to be the bad guy one mah. If not your parent in law where will like you when they thinks that you are the source of the "conflict" . Have him to be the bad guy instead and you play the good guy to get cookie points. that's his job yo.

He could always says things privately behind ( that you cannot say) like
mii, you want faster get grandson not? you need to give me chance to make baby one what.
mii, traditions view really that important ? you see ah, buy resale hor, cost $$$, bto hor cost $$$. the money saved hor, can xxxxx . why soo waste moneyyyy lei. your son not so richhh lahh. thank you mummy you " look up" me ah.

Summary : go talk to him and have him handle this problem.

Before you try to "teach" someone else and instilled bad ideas; ask yourself if you're in the position of a Mother-in-law or Parents-in-law! OR perhaps you're still a spinster.

Legit Replies :

1. Every child - regardless male or female - in the eyes of every parents is STILL A CHILD regardless their age and marital status.
2. Every family has their own upbringings so don't try to be so cocky or a smart alec!
3. Marriage is not a "baby booming" time - so, wake up! Parents have to wait longer to be grandparents? Which century are you born in? Do you think Grandparents care if you have babies or no babies? They can see for themselves that with or without children - at the end of the day; they are back to the basic or beginning - just 2 of them left. Their children have their own lives to build and lead! Grandparents these days are not obligated to be babysitter to tend to the children of their child/children. IF the couple wants to have child/children - it's their responsibilities to work on it themselves and not reliant on their parents as if their parents are on "operational readiness"!
4. Looks like you're a person without brains and obviously a sponger! Just because got free room; must take the offer? And so, do you consider the feelings for the guy's parents? And so what if his parents are the traditional or old school type?

***

To Lumomo - the desperate bride-to-be. You may or may have not settled by now.

1.You are making a mountain out of a molehill. Have you not look into the mirror yourself and see how very badly you'd behaved? Rather than play victim with dealing with demanding and unreasonable request by your future parents-in-law; I am sure they'd seen your true colors as well.

2. Marriage is not just 2 people. It involves family beliefs, culture and traditions. As much as every parents would love for their children to have a happy marriage; you can simply ignore the very facts that no two different sets of parents or couples are alike just like religions.

3. Using the word "horror" - don't you feel you're a bit drama yourself in exagerrating the whole scenario just because your MIL is curious as to why there's such a need for a whole year of wedding planning? It just shows that you wanted an extravagant celebrations... and why is there such a need when marriage these days fall apart within 3 years - not even hitting the 7 years itch? Your MIL must have seen it all, particularly with your foul behavior during the dinner meetup.

4. You and your family "felt insulted" but you conveniently dismissed the facts that you and your family insistence for your husband-to-be to stay at your parents' place have little regards and respects for your prospective in-laws. Don't you think your parents-in-law felt insulted too as if their son is incapable of getting a temporary housing if you so can't wait to be laid and you readily agreed to move back to your parents as long as there's a room or two to bunk in?! At the age of 29; it doesn't seem your brain cells are into good use. 30 years down the road when you're in the position of your MIL or parents-in-law; I hope that you'll reflect back with greater empathy.

5. Finally, it's not what you didn't know what to do... it's just that you want more brainless people like valerias to sympathise and add more fuels to your pathetic call for help and sync in agreement.

Lastly, don't need to be a Drama Queen. You can join Media Corp should you leave your present job or intend to look for another job.

 

[valerias]

I took my time to reply to you because I decided to respond to your rather than react which is undeniably what you did. I would like to believe that you are an adult bride to be ( if not why are you even in this forum…? Perhaps, you’re looking for some help also somewhere? If you see something that you think could be beneficial to you with some twerks , take it. Else, leave it to some other people that might be beneficial to them?)

By this age ( majority of us should be in our 20s to 30s? yes have young bride and mature bride also nah, let’s put those under 20-30%? ) we should understand that each and every family have different dynamic. Some of us might came from an extremely toxic family (abandonment, gambling... etc..) that maybe need to draw a thick fat boundary line so that we can heal. This is merely just self-love and I would like to believe that no one have the rights to deny that from anyone just because they THINK is not a moral choice by their standard.

Also, some of us are lucky to be blessed with healthy family dynamics. In that case, of course it would be yes please, I’ll like to be in a part of your life as extension.

Being emotional doesn’t help to de-escalate conflict, instead it escalates them.


1. Every child - regardless male or female - in the eyes of every parents is STILL A CHILD regardless their age and marital status.

–> I agree with you and it stop right here. A child is a child in parent eyes however they got to also grow up and be a motherly/ fatherly / husband/ wife figure once they decided to get married and start a family of their own. It is not realistic to expect your parent to baby you for the rest of your life. Which mean, making decision on your own comes in the growing up package. Decision to be diam diam?? Staying silence does not help with removing conflicts, talking out issue AMICABLY + action towards it helps to resolve them. No?

We should know by now sweeping unresolved issue under the carpet is just a ticking time bomb waiting to be exploded. So no, don’t need to endure hold it all in, you need to talk it out with your partner and work towards resolving what’s bordering everyone, AMICABLY.


2. Every family has their own upbringings so don't try to be so cocky or a smart alec!

–> Exactly!! I agree with you! Don’t one bamboo hit down everyone can? How could you assume what works for you works for others?


3. Marriage is not a "baby booming" time - so, wake up! Parents have to wait longer to be grandparents? Which century are you born in? Do you think Grandparents care if you have babies or no babies? They can see for themselves that with or without children - at the end of the day; they are back to the basic or beginning - just 2 of them left. Their children have their own lives to build and lead! Grandparents these days are not obligated to be babysitter to tend to the children of their child/children. IF the couple wants to have child/children - it's their responsibilities to work on it themselves and not reliant on their parents as if their parents are on "operational readiness"! – Again, as a DINK I agree!! However like it or not there are many parents that would love and wanted to help to take care of grandkids, at this age ( im in my 30s) I have real life people around me is like that ah, even my own laobu is non stop egging me to have kids for her to “play” and that she is willing to help to take care. You cannot assume one mah?



4. Looks like you're a person without brains and obviously a sponger! Just because got free room; must take the offer? And so, do you consider the feelings for the guy's parents? And so what if his parents are the traditional or old school type?

--> I actually raised my family alone ( only child) since teenage(not from well to do family) so……….Consideration of feelings goes TWO way. Twwwwwwwwwwwwwooo way. The parent can be traditional type no problem, have a room for the couple so that they can stay with them mah? In OP case, no room how to be together? Cannot be shoo out the siblings or the parent as this doesn’t make sense?


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I had noticed you are very extremely emotional lady that love to assume and name calling. If is only restricted to strangers. Okay, can. You might just opt to be mean because there is no repercussion on your end. Please, before your react to this long paragraph, do kindly take sometime to digest and respond if you wish to.

Else how would this help with anything other than potentially trigger another person / having personal relations cut off as people might just don’t want to deal with your outburst if you are like this to your family and friends?


What had you share / done to attempt to help? Ya it might not be useful to OP ( thats for OP to decide.. no? ) but have you tried anything other than finger pointing and name callings?

Also, please don’t need to curse me be spinster yaaaaaaaaaaaahh, im currently in a very happy relationship with my fiancé, am seeking potential help in this forum ( other section lah) to look see for inspo for weddings ( I kanjiong spider so I plan very de early! Heheheheh) . Happy relationship with my mummy in law to be, we are very nice and doting to each other.( gift each other gifts and time)


We no conflict no fight no nothing for years already yahhhh. Don’t curse me that this is temporary please yah because if you do = you might be cursing either one of us to die.

So far we are able to compartmentalise our emotions aside, settle the disagreement, complete it, and back to together 甜蜜蜜. It helps that my partner had been an extremely supporting partner since day 1. The mummy also 爱屋及乌 to me, my mummy also 爱屋及乌 to my partner ( dote him more than me sometime LOL i wanna "complain") . Likewise… same family har..the brother had not been a very supportive partner and his mummy did not 爱屋及乌to his spouse…. So I really still stand by my words of having a partner that no diam diam ( both guy and girl yah, be a supportive spouse is not restricted to gender!) when disagreement is really important. Of course, different family dynamic different nah.

It happened that my partner family side have high level of EQ and is aware that disagreement does not equate to not love. Disagreement is just different of views that can be iron out if both party is willing to seek compromise / willing to be in each other shoes and think rationally.

Lastly, hopefully assumption 自以为是 is just a mean comment that come out on purpose from you rather than a habit in your life because really, no one feel would feel good when being accused, eventually no one would want to be around someone that continuously hurt them like that. Unless your agenda is to hurt people with words, one could always chose be mindful.

I chose not to respond with mean comments because I do use my brain and chose not to hurt you, yes I do care for your feelings too even if you didn't cared for mine, as you are not my enemy that had slaughter my family, i have no grudges with you and bear no ill resentment to you.

P.S: let’s not forget that this is forum where people are seeking for help. Give remarks/suggestion that you think might be helpful and trust the person have the maturity to twerk remarks/ suggestion as accordingly to their family dynamic. Trust that none of us will blindly follow what a strangers say if it doesn’t resonate /make sense.

Do have a great weekend!

P.S.S : To Lumomo, Do filter away and ignore whatever that is not useful to you, and most importantly don’t take it personally when a stranger chose to hurt you for no reason, planning for a wedding already stressful enough liao lor. That aside, I am legit eggcited to find another kanjiong bride HAHHAH. You ROM date chope liao ma?