Help!! Mom wants to invite too many people!

[s0urs0p]

Hi! Need some advice...

We are paying for the banquet on our own and have told our parents we'll thus keep all the Ang baos. So there's no 'giving tables' to brides' mom thingy.

I told my mom to make a list of ppl and she told me 6 tables of close relatives, 4 tables of my parents' friends.. Plus 3 tables of her cousins, many of which I have not met even once throughout my 30 yrs of life.

I've told her we're limiting the no. Of tables to 25 max for both bride and groom. And she became positively mad when I told her maybe not to invite her cousins.

Tried explaining the budget constraints but she was still quite pissed. And she either said 'whatever additional costs I pay la!' or 'whatever whatever, strike off then strike off!'

I think she just doesn't understand that my husband's not from a well-to-do family and all the costs including the losses at the banquet are gonna come from our hard-earned savings. For her, it's likely just a 'face' issue cos she claimed that some of her cousins invited her and my dad therefore she needs to invite them. And if she invites a few cousins, she has to invite the whole lot of them!

What should I do??

 

[megal]

Hi hi! We are also paying for the banquet ourselves. And I also had a similar problem where my mom wanted 8 tables of relatives, just on her side, and excluding my dad's! But I told her we wanted a small wedding and the venues we were looking at didn't allow for so many relatives. I only have 15 tables...

My mom pretty much reacted the same way as your mom, but because my chosen venue was small, she didn't have a choice but to cut down on the number of invites. Took quite a while of convincing though!

Good luck with talking to your mom again. I hope she will be able to come to some sort of compromise??

 

[lemonzil]

Hi soursop, i'm also having similar issues... though nothing is firm yet.

My dad was telling me that they (my parents) do not need to invite that many relatives but they are inviting their colleagues (mum work in sales line, dad is just doing it freelance on top of his day job).

I witness the horror during my brother's wedding last year. It felt like it was a D&D for them! They even set up their own registration table to monitor the APs guests from their list gave and gave out company's products in small gift packs with namecards inside.

I found it unpleasant and embarassing... it's their colleagues and customers but it's my brother's wedding. They took it as an opportunity to do marketing!!!

My dad had been asking me about the invitation list recently when i made it known to him that i've wedding plans in the near future.

I made it clear that I do not want the same scenario happening at my wedding... but he doesn't seems to understand...

 

[poorthing]

Wah that's too extreme. Nowadays parents don't understand banquet so exp. Still think $100 per table meh. Now $1k per table also not enough..

 

[lemonzil]

Poorthing, precisely. I've made it very clear to them that I really do not want history to repeat itself during my wedding...

I've spoken to my parents individually and together, and remind this to them every now and then. I hope they respect us...

 

[man2014]

I have the same issue too.. My HTB has a very small family and extended family. We initially wanna pay on our own. My parents like wanna invite the whole kampong like that.. In the end we gave up too. Too many tables from my side, we cannot afford.

 

[sunnyann]

Hi all, hi soursop,

I got married last year December (2012), just thought I'd share about my experience and about parents who don't seem to understand that this is our wedding NOT their wedding or show. To put it bluntly, if they wanna be the stars so much, they should get married one more time and call the shots all they want. Don't f*ck with MY wedding. RIGHT?

My own parents were fine, but my hubby's parents care a lot about face value, and they wanted to invite so many people. We also didn't have the give tables to bride thing, our wedding venue was at Sculpture Square, a small chapel which can accommodate 100 pax max after our banquet coordinator's measurements and evaluations. So I told both my parents and his parents FIRMLY that we only have 10 tables MAX and we are going to split the number half. 5 tables to groom side 5 tables to bride side. FAIR WHAT.

My MIL had this same mentality like soursop's mum - cos other people invited them to their children's wedding before, she has to invite them back. But these people, even my hubby doesn't know them! So basically if I had listened to her I'd have wasted seats inviting a bunch of strangers both my husband and I DON'T KNOW AT ALL. It was a NO for me. So I had to remind her almost everyday that our seats are limited (brainwashing ftw haha) and that my parents are not inviting distant relatives as well. It's quite stressful to have to deal with other people's reactions and emotions when it should be your special day. I even cried on one occasion while discussing this with my MIL back then, I wasn't sad but I was really pissed off and angry with the whole situation. Cos every other day she will suddenly come into our room and ask us to squeeze out one more seat for so and so. As it is, we only had one table EACH for our friends (meaning only 20 friends from both me and my hubby combined), she was still expecting me to shave off someone for her to invite someone I don't know?! Cannot take it. I even told my hubby if it's so troublesome, THEN DON'T GET MARRIED LAH. Don't know is I getting married or she getting married. SIGH. But don't worry girls, you are not alone and all these shall pass!

I'm just glad the formalites are over. The most important thing is to have your husband stand on the same side as you. Both of you have to be FIRM and assertive. Don't have to sound rude to get your message across clearly.

 

[phunkyangel]

Hi Soursop,
I'm currently facing same issue too! I assume it's a common issue nowadays, no?
Thing is my FIL. He value "face" (I value $$ ). I remembered the incident when me and my hubby informed him of the venue choice and banquet (7 course luncheon), he commented that anything less than 10 dishes make us look stingy. He chided us and insisted that we go back to my venue coordinator and come up with 10 dishes.... *gasp*

Plus invites are given up to 70% of guests attendance right? He said he wants 100%, so I, being the hotheaded one tried to explain to him there and then that if I invite a couple, I couldn't possibly give 2 invites to both right?!
He cut me off with the same comment, "whatever additional costs I pay la!" T.T

I guess I could only advise you to be more patient, sometimes I just hear selectively on what my parents and inlaws are commenting on the wedding preparations and shut off those that are affecting my progress.
Other times, I just try and try to reason with my parents (they too have a susbtantial number of guests from overseas, putting up in Sg at my expense as well...)

My hubby always tell me to take a step at a time and dun fret too much...

 

[lemonzil]

just a random curiousity... are our ILs teochews?

 

[WynDi]

Same we paid for the wedding ourselves but she wants the table money which i think among our guests the richest ones will be coming from my relatives. i thought i could have a chance of covering back.. somemore still need to give pin jin!! my mom paid for my brother so she keep telling me can't his mother pay for him??? Shes behaving like what I gave that time i must take back!! His father is already a retiree depending on his mother incoming how can I still do that to them!!! She says I haven't marry over already trying to save money. She still can tell me dot be so stupid to pay for them!! We going to be husband and wife. His burden will be my burden but she doesn't know!! I won't want him to carry so much debts after wedding.

 

[Reka]

We had the same or i should say similar problem, but then my father jumped in and saved the day. Of course it took several days of talking and making to understand,but at the end she finally understood. Sooo i think you have to talk to her more and more until she realize,maybe get her involved into planing and after seeing the figures and costs maybe she will understand.

 

[rabber]

What's with Teochews? Very Ai Mian Zhi is it?

 

[lemonzil]

What's with Teochews? Very Ai Mian Zhi is it?

if u ask me. yes... teochews are more particular about the 'face' issue if they are the more traditional type.

 

[rabber]

I am Teochew and MIL is Teochew but seems like the Cantoneses in my family are having more expectations. Haha.... Meaning mum and FIL.

 

[lemonzil]

Icic.. If your FIL is Cantonese means you've gotta follow the Cantonese tradition?

 

[rabber]

I guess so but not all the way too.

Fiance and I would prefer it not to be...

 

[lemonzil]

yeah.. good to have some flexibility. otherwise kinda stressful...

 

[JasTab]

Hi everyone,

My big day is in 6weeks time.. Invitation cards have been printed a month ago (we printed extras coz we dont knw actual number of guests) and my folks are still taking their own sweet time to distribute the cards. In fact, they can't even confirm on the actual number of guests that they are planning to invite.. Each time when I try to ask them for the golden number, they will snap at me. Totally disappointed with them. Frankly, they are the only 1s who give me the most headache & stress.. Their Hackcare attitudes is tempting me to call off the whole banquet.. What is the point of specially doing this whole banquet thing for them, when they don't even appreciate the time, effort & $ that we put in?

On a contrary, My mil was very cooperative, we told her our expected number of guests (based on our budget) n she immediately came up with the guests list without even bargaining for more tables..

How to deal with unreasonable & unmotivated folks like mine?

 

[lemonzil]

Hi JasTab,

Tell ur folks, hotel needs the number by a date ( u can make up ur own date). that's what i do. my mom wanted to invite lots of ppl but she can't tell me how many. she can't even name her guests! i had to push her to even asking her to pay for the losses if she is unable to give me the numbers by a certain date (1 month before the wedding - more realistic) . it's mean but sometimes they dont sense the urgency...

this is only one part.. the next one would be the sitting plan.. breathe and tell urself u can do it. don't give up!

 

[rabber]

Yes breathe, sometimes, parents can be quite a pain when it comes to such stuff.

 

[EK27]

My mil also cannot give me the exact number initially. Cos the place I book min is 38 tables as both of us come from big families so I must utilize fully. I am so afraid she will reduce the number cos initially she say she wants 10 tables then after that say will reduce as her side very stingy, but nvr give me exact numbers. I am so worried.

U know what I did? One weekend, I told her to sit down with me n I list down the people she wants to invite. Really listing down from all the relatives n friends. My mil is a very Naggy, excited n always like to complain. So is not easy to sit down with her to discuss. And, going through the list, she will talk another subject then I got to lead her back to the main subject.

That is when I roughly get the number guests. And I told her, cannot reduce head count. She actually reduce a lot of head count after going throw. Now, I just pray she will not reduce anymore.

I think really need a lot of patient when talking to elderly n really need to give them detail and simple explanation so they can understand our situation. Not easy task....

 

[JasTab]

Thanks girls!.. It's a little comforting know that I m not alone.. It just amazes me how our folks will turn out to be the greatest obstacle when it comes to Wedding plans coz they have been very supportive towards me in other ways.. The stress from wedding plannings is taking it's tow... I caught the flu bug & my hubby told me to take a few days off frm the wedding stuffs.. I m also enlisting the help of my sis to talk some sense to my folks.. If all else fails, my hubby will be the last line of persuasion.. Wish me luck

 

[Clammie]

Initially hub and I only wanted 20 tables.. turned out my mum and dad alone has 13 tables already -.-" sighs.

 

[jane1606]

Initially hub and I only wanted 20 tables.. turned out my mum and dad alone has 13 tables already -.-" sighs.

My fiancé & I also wanted 20 tables initially. Turned out his parents alone need 20 tables!!!

 

[constance_alan]

i also intally wan 16 table . my mum request 5 table then add to 17 table . she wan some more add 5 more table total 10 table = 100 ppl which all i dunno them sia . simple wedding become stranger wedding. anad my mum wanaa the whole 10 table red packets . where all the tables is pay by me and my hubby


after she requested to take my relative the money . i was like wtf .. u take 10 table money still wanna tke relative table 3 table .. i use wat to pay sia

 

[snowbell09]

i also intally wan 16 table . my mum request 5 table then add to 17 table . she wan some more add 5 more table total 10 table = 100 ppl which all i dunno them sia . simple wedding become stranger wedding. anad my mum wanaa the whole 10 table red packets . where all the tables is pay by me and my hubby


after she requested to take my relative the money . i was like wtf .. u take 10 table money still wanna tke relative table 3 table .. i use wat to pay sia

Oh dear did you tell her that? Voice out to her? They take all the Ang pao $10k+ already.

 

[constance_alan]

Oh dear did you tell her that? Voice out to her? They take all the Ang pao $10k+ already.

i already voice out to her in the end quarrel. she say this is earning . she invite those who invite her before de wanna earn back . i told her im not ur money tree le ..

by right my hubby and i plan is all people come for wedding then put all red packets into the box. we pay all then balance with divide out to give both side parents. she dun agree. my in laws didnt wanna take out red packets . she say all is we pay de so all the money she ask we all to keep ..

i dunno wat to do . one more month to the wedding

 

[Cimorene]

i already voice out to her in the end quarrel. she say this is earning . she invite those who invite her before de wanna earn back . i told her im not ur money tree le ..

by right my hubby and i plan is all people come for wedding then put all red packets into the box. we pay all then balance with divide out to give both side parents. she dun agree. my in laws didnt wanna take out red packets . she say all is we pay de so all the money she ask we all to keep ..

i dunno wat to do . one more month to the wedding

Maybe can try ask for a compromise, she pay for those tables that she wants to keep the hong bao? If there's any "profit" from those guests then she gets to earn, at the same time u cover ur cost. Try getting support from other family members eg ur dad. Sometimes it's easier for someone else to talk to her, less emotional too.

 

[constance_alan]

Maybe can try ask for a compromise, she pay for those tables that she wants to keep the hong bao? If there's any "profit" from those guests then she gets to earn, at the same time u cover ur cost. Try getting support from other family members eg ur dad. Sometimes it's easier for someone else to talk to her, less emotional too.

my mum and dad is divoice . so i wontask from my dad as he is not working due to his illness cancer. which need to keep going hospital .

 

[bunnyleo]

I dun understand mostly the in law side is more understanding by our own parents. Sometimes tink abt it, utterly disappointed in them. Is like they are selling away their own daughter..!!!!

 

[cookiesdecream]

My future MIL wants to invite 6 tables of her friends, co-workers etc. on top of my fiancé 10 tables of relatives. My fiancé is fine with that as his brother allocated 6 tables for their mother plus he is the filial type, but I wasn't too happy about that.
Kind of argued with him over it on a few occasions but I've since given up.
Ended up I told him he will just pay for his side, I pay for my friends table. He will probably give my parents 4 or 5 tables (my family is pretty small). Hope it turns out fine, sigh

Wedding banquet has become such a SHOW that I can't really be bothered to enjoy the wedding planning process at times. -.-

 

[tulipkiss]

i already voice out to her in the end quarrel. she say this is earning . she invite those who invite her before de wanna earn back . i told her im not ur money tree le ..

by right my hubby and i plan is all people come for wedding then put all red packets into the box. we pay all then balance with divide out to give both side parents. she dun agree. my in laws didnt wanna take out red packets . she say all is we pay de so all the money she ask we all to keep ..

i dunno wat to do . one more month to the wedding

i'm in a similar situation as you, while discussing about banquet plans.
Mom wants to take the ang bao money for xx tables, calling it "tables given by the in-laws". but the banquet cost will be split btw me n htb leh, not the in-laws... -_- then she claimed that she “doesn’t have a choice” cos relatives will usually give the ang bao to the parents instead of putting into the ang bao box – and that it will be too disrespectful for her to then drop the ang baos into the box upon receiving them, it's like not appreciating their ang baos liddat. wth. i told her there's nothing disrespectful about placing the red packets into the intended box. Otherwise, she can collate and drop the ang baos into the box after the banquet lor.
then she claim that in the past, the parents paid for many weddings we have attended together as a family, those ang bao $ is to "repay" them for those ang baos they had given out in the past. It’s like, they give out CNY ang baos, and the ang baos we received should be returned to them to compensate for the $ they had given out liddat. Duh.
she kept saying we should open up and discuss on $ matters before the banquet so that there will not be any misunderstandings. However, each time we “discuss”, she always tell us about her old-fashion thinking and say that young people nowadays dunno how to behave.
Number of tables is another problem. There are relatives whom we only meet once a year (CNY) but, as a form of respect and because of the “close relations” (like grandmother’s siblings), we need to invite them to the banquet. I’m fine with that, cos they’re considered relatives afterall, even though we’re not close. I said we’ll invite the seniors/adults, but not the kids if possible (not even close with the adults, all the more we dunno the kids). However, my mom insisted that the wedding invitation must state “Mr xxx AND FAMILY”. That way we cannot even confirm how many “family members” they may be bringing along on the actual day. Making me super pissed.
Two of the reasons why I haven’t even book my banquet until now. even though we have “discussed” for months alreadyyyyy.

 

[tulipkiss]

Hi soursop, i'm also having similar issues... though nothing is firm yet.

My dad was telling me that they (my parents) do not need to invite that many relatives but they are inviting their colleagues (mum work in sales line, dad is just doing it freelance on top of his day job).

I witness the horror during my brother's wedding last year. It felt like it was a D&D for them! They even set up their own registration table to monitor the APs guests from their list gave and gave out company's products in small gift packs with namecards inside.

I found it unpleasant and embarassing... it's their colleagues and customers but it's my brother's wedding. They took it as an opportunity to do marketing!!!

My dad had been asking me about the invitation list recently when i made it known to him that i've wedding plans in the near future.

I made it clear that I do not want the same scenario happening at my wedding... but he doesn't seems to understand...

totally understand how D&D that seems!!
my friend's wedding was liddat too. the dad even came on stage to thank all the "colleagues" / business network for attending. stole the limelight from the wedding couple and gave it to the company instead.

 

[bearine]

Hold it during the hols season. A lot of pple can't turn up maybe...?

Btw, usually i will ask frankly how many kids will be coming, or let me know how many seats ur family will be taking cos I need to count the number of tables required. Some will think twice about bringing kids.

My dad ask me to write down who gave how much in excel. Lol. Maybe tht will be mine and my parents guideline for cny angbao for their kids.

 

[jkwedding308]

Hold it during the hols season. A lot of pple can't turn up maybe...?

Btw, usually i will ask frankly how many kids will be coming, or let me know how many seats ur family will be taking cos I need to count the number of tables required. Some will think twice about bringing kids.

My dad ask me to write down who gave how much in excel. Lol. Maybe tht will be mine and my parents guideline for cny angbao for their kids.

Haha, my dad also asked us to tabulate our ang pow collection. But not so much to refer to for CNY ang pows but more for future weddings that we'll attend. His idea is that we should return the courtesy. If we attend XYZ's wedding in the future, the amount of ang pow money that we should give XYZ should at least be the same of what XYZ gave us, if not more. It may be considered "rude" if we give any lesser...

 

[DTa]

Haha, I also plan to tabulate the ang bao amount received... not so much to "return the favor" but to let the unmarried siblings know and think twice about inviting the "not so close and stingy" guests.

There's no way to "return the favor" one la... economies are changing all the time, if people return the favor (from your parents' ang bao 10 years ago), you sure lose out big time.

 

[jkwedding308]

Haha, I also plan to tabulate the ang bao amount received... not so much to "return the favor" but to let the unmarried siblings know and think twice about inviting the "not so close and stingy" guests.

There's no way to "return the favor" one la... economies are changing all the time, if people return the favor (from your parents' ang bao 10 years ago), you sure lose out big time.

LOL!! Haha yes, economy keeps changing and we're aware of how the banquet prices keep inflating year after year so of course we'll also inflate our givings based on our calculations as well as what we've tabulated.. Some of our guests couldn't make it for the banquet but came for the solemnization ceremony and still gave us ang pows and there were also others who couldn't make it for both who also gave us ang pows so we also need to consider all these when we attend their weddings in return. It's quite common for us to be able to make it for friends' solemnization ceremonies but not their banquets or even not be able to attend at all so having this Excel sheet tabulation will also help give us a guide as to how much we should give in such cases.. As for "not so close and stingy" guests, could it be possible that these people aren't aware of the "current market price" of banquets hence they may give less than others when they may actually mean well? We did have quite a number of well-meaning friends who came from overseas who gave lesser than the locals but when we thought about how sincere they were to take leave and buy their pricey flight tickets, we became more appreciative of the extra effort they took in wanting to celebrate our big day with us and that spoke louder than any sum of ang pow money possible..

 

[DTa]

LOL!! As for "not so close and stingy" guests, could it be possible that these people aren't aware of the "current market price" of banquets hence they may give less than others when they may actually mean well? We did have quite a number of well-meaning friends who came from overseas who gave lesser than the locals but when we thought about how sincere they were to take leave and buy their pricey flight tickets, we became more appreciative of the extra effort they took in wanting to celebrate our big day with us and that spoke louder than any sum of ang pow money possible..

Of course, it's always nice to give your guests benefit of the doubt, however if your guests appear in a family of 5, and give only $200 ang bao (and you know they are quite well to do from the many overseas holidays and branded goods they buy)... well... er hem...

 

[jkwedding308]

Of course, it's always nice to give your guests benefit of the doubt, however if your guests appear in a family of 5, and give only $200 ang bao (and you know they are quite well to do from the many overseas holidays and branded goods they buy)... well... er hem...

Ah well... I suppose it'll be up to your siblings when it's their turn to get married then to make the call whether to invite these guests or not...

 

[DTa]

Ah well... I suppose it'll be up to your siblings when it's their turn to get married then to make the call whether to invite these guests or not...

Sometimes... it's the parents who want to invite, not the wedding couple... so I guess the first one to get married within the family, can help to "share their experiences"

 

[jkwedding308]

Sometimes... it's the parents who want to invite, not the wedding couple... so I guess the first one to get married within the family, can help to "share their experiences"

Haha yes... Many parents want to have a say as to who gets invited (or not) to the wedding.. I remember having to keep changing the banquet seating arrangement plan almost every few days (ended up changing more than 10 times haha) when the RSVP kept changing, especially the plus ones bit...

 

[DTa]

Haha yes... Many parents want to have a say as to who gets invited (or not) to the wedding.. I remember having to keep changing the banquet seating arrangement plan almost every few days (ended up changing more than 10 times haha) when the RSVP kept changing, especially the plus ones bit...

When did you start chasing relatives for RSVP?

 

[jkwedding308]

When did you start chasing relatives for RSVP?

Haha, it's not just relatives... You may even need to chase your friends for RSVP... When we've decided on a list of who we want to invite to our wedding, we started off by creating a Facebook event page and invited those on our list who have an FB account. On that FB page, guests are asked to visit a GoogleDocs page that we've created so they can give us all their details including addresses and even names of plus ones that they'll be bringing - they even get an option to indicate "Maybe" in case they're still not sure at that point of time whether they can make it for our wedding or not. While most people adhered to completing this GoogleDocs form by the deadline (6 months before our AD - we set the deadline really early coz we know people always RSVP late hehe), there were quite a few who merely indicated their RSVP on FB but not on GoogleDocs so we also had to "chase" these friends for their details (no addresses, no invitation cards!!). We also had to "chase" those who replied "Maybe" but never gave us a firm answer until we asked them. We also periodically sent out reminder emails and some would have changed their RSVP status from "Maybe" to "Yes" or "No" while some who had initially said "Yes" had to change their reply to "No".. As for relatives and my dad-in-law's company staff/partners/clients, we made our parents understand that we need to finalize numbers (including how many halal and vegetarian meals and which tables to send these meals to) with the hotel so they would do better to "decide" who they want to invite if they want to have a say.. So they drew out their own list and checked with us - this was the only group of guests who got a copy of the invitation card before they RSVPed (we only sent out invitation cards to friends after they have confirmed "Yes" and we also gave them the option to just be emailed a soft copy instead of receiving an actual card - this was a win-win situation as it was more environmental-friendly plus we can save on printing and sending out cards to those who won't come or who prefer to go green).. We told our parents to get the firm RSVP from them latest 1 month before AD.. While that was what happened, there will always still be guests, be it family or friends, who will change their RSVP last minute so be prepared to keep changing the banquet seating arrangement plan - I have not heard of any married friend who didn't have to go through this haha... We even had a friend who had to edit the banquet seating the morning of the AD itself!!! Talk about stress!!! For family, we had to bend the rules a lil so to speak so we were a little more flexible with getting a few late RSVPs but for friends, we were a lil stricter. If we have periodically emailed/whatsapped/smsed you gentle reminders to RSVP and you still cannot be bothered to return the courtesy or to even give an excuse/reason, then we consider that you do not respect our time and effort nor our wedding and there isn't any further reason why we should keep "chasing" you for a reply so we will drop you off our list and not even KIV an "emergency" spot for you at our banquet table... Most hotels always have one spare table in case of additional last-minute guests but thankfully we didn't have to use this table. Our guests came and sat as they should. A minor few who said "Yes" ended up not showing up - most apologized while there were one or two who never bothered to even make up an excuse but their absence meant more food for those seated at their table hahaha... There was even one guest who showed up uninvited - partially our fault as we had invited all his sons but forgot to invite him hehe... But our reception helpers quickly made the link and sat him at a table with familiar faces... With regards to RSVPs, attendance and banquet seating, there will always be some glitches along the way - when that happens, don't be discouraged but look at it from the positive side, smile and move on...