Feeling vexed with family and bf

[SnowmanLee]

Hi all,

Been feeling this for a long time.

I'm attached to someone and my parents hated him so much. I'm a Chinese and he's a Malay. I don't see anything wrong with that as we are able to work things out and there's no problem with the food we eat, the way we do things and we both communicate well.
Initially when my parents found out even before I told them, it was almost fighting and crying everyday and of cos, they wanted to disown me. Scoldings include vulgarities, nasty words against me/him and many more. They feel that I don't know how to think, being stupid and didn't think about my future. To them, you are unable to survive with another race and will end up divorce.
They called him up to scold him and look for him after working hours. My bf didn't complain and still with me throughout the 2 years.
Till date, they didn't talk to me. Their only request is for me to break up with him and get any Chinese guy for them, and this make me real sad - my parents only want what we Chinese call "face"?
I'm upset yet I couldn't find anyone to help me out.
They didn't dare to tell any one and they refer me as a disgrace of the family.
Most of my friends knew and they are supportive after knowing him. My relatives made no comments as I guess it's not their family.(?)
I know about the religion issue, but his family are supportive. Even if I'm ready/not ready, they are open with me to convert/not converting.
I do love my parents and want them to accept him even if they take baby steps but how?
they refuse to talk to me/him or anything about us and had been ignoring me.

btw, we are both in the late 20s.

Thanks people

 

[life_is]

This is hard. Your parents are probably worried that if you end up divorcing him in future, you cannot convert back. Time will tell whether he is true to you and whether he is the one.

 

[Sofy]

Hello Snowman Lee,

Hope that you are feeling better now. big hugs. I think naturally your parents would feel worried for their daughter. That is normal for any parents to feel. I don't blame them for feeling that way. However, for your side... you mentioned that you have been with your bf for 2 years? And all is good and smooth sailing? Which is good. And you don't feel any form of pressure from him and his family, which definitely helps to make it better, right?

However, if you are willing to work it out. Why not get your bf to meet up with your parents and let them get to know him? Let them see how awesome he is as a person, boyfriend and how well he has been treating you? It takes time, dear. try that out and once all are comfortable , you guys can proceed to sitting down with them and talk it out. share with them about how serious you guys are about each other.

I know it is hard especially the issue is about religion and "saving face" which is quite common in asian families.

Can I share with you something? Inter racial marriages are very very common these days. Even for myself, my late grandma is a Chinese convert and my grandfather is a Indian Muslim. She converted when they were about to get married. Not too sure whether back then they went through any difficulties or not.

Sometimes even getting married to your own race can eventually end up in divorces. So I guess it is a bit unfair to "predict" whether interracial marriages are not able to work out.

Even my aunt married a Dutch man, they are now happily married with 2 beautiful kids.

Sweetie, I have been once in your situation when I was dating an American. We were together for 4 years. We were in similar situation like yours but not as bad.But eventually I broke up with him. I broke up with him because I realised that we can't be together as I felt that he is simply not suitable for me.

So I hope that you and your family will be able to reconcile and work things out. May you and your bf continue be strong to fight for your love and never give up. You just need time to convince your family ok darl. Feel free to message me and I would love to hear you out. Happy new year sweetie. Big big hugs!

 

[Hopefulbride2016]

Hi snowmanlee, my ex was a malay guy and im chinese..My parents are not supportive at all and persuade me to break up with him. I still went headstrong into this rs. Even though we have plenty of ups and downs, we still pull thru and even applied for an hdb. My parents come to accept the fact even though i know they still dont like him. I didnt really think much about converting to muslim cos im not a religious person. But u really must consider abt your future, ur kids and their religious celebrations like fasting etc..i dont think it shld be a problem but when comes to religion muslims are usually stubborn abt their beliefs. Other than that if both of u complements each other i hope for happiness to u and ur bf

 

[SnowmanLee]

Thanks everyone for the reply and advise.

Hi Sofy,
Yes, we are together for close to 2 years and yes, we do quarrel but everything was settle with good communication and I guess we both know what we want. His parents are ok with both of us and in fact, his relative are all very nice to me too. Perhaps because his aunt is also a Chinese, so they are ok with different race together.

We are willing to work things out, however my parents didn't want to talk about him at all. This is the part whereby I have no idea how to "introduce" him as my boyfriend to them. They do not want to hear anything from him/about him and will nag at me whenever I go out, even if is with or without him. To them, I am very dirty if I am associated to him in anyway. I have no idea how to let them know about my boyfriend as a normal human instead of what they labelled as "Malay"..

Religion wise is not a problem for his side because as mentioned, they are fine with me not converting, or until I wish to learn about the religion.

How did your family accept your American boyfriend back then?

 

[SnowmanLee]

Hi hopefulbride2016,

Thanks for the reply, sorry to ask but I'm curious to know, what's your parents reaction when they know about you and your then boyfriend? and your parents "accepted" him because both of you applied for hdb?
I knew it's not easy to be with someone of a different race and culture, but it's not impossible too with love. I do not want to date someone without love but just following my parents' checklist too.

My parents love my ex and we were together for 5 years, yet the end 3 years was miserable whereby he gambles/drinks quite a lot and we hardly meet. I felt lucky to leave that relationship because I've hold on too long for my parents. I do not want to upset them, yet of cos, not to walk into marriage with someone for "show" or for my parents only..

 

[Sofy]

Hello SnowmanLee,

A very Happy New Year to you, sweetie. Hope that your new year celebrations had been great

I know it is hard to convince your parents to like or even open themselves up to even get to know your boyfriend. But I guess give them some time. Cus at the end of the day, you are still their daughter. So long as you continue respecting them in many other different ways. Can't blame them for thinking that way perhaps they have been used to that kind of perception towards Malays. Perhaps something had happened before hence their unreceptiveness? We wouldn't know.

But all I know is that at the end of the day, it is still your life. You choose your own happiness. I understand, you would want your parents' blessings right? Perhaps, you can ask them directly. Why do they think likewise. Why do they think that Malays are " dirty " ? Why don't they approve your relationship? Instead of guessing their reasons. It is best to ask them straight.

For myself, initially my parents were very open towards him. They welcomed him when he came by to Singapore for a visit. They got along really well.

He even spoke to my dad on a one on one basis. But he did not mentioned anything about wanting to get married to me. Prior to their meeting, I was the one who told my dad about our decision.
After the meeting, my dad asked me whether I am serious in being with him. But deep inside, I had doubts. It has been a few occasions where I question the relationship. Deep inside, I know it was going to be tough for me and him. Due to a lot of reasons. Trust issues, where to stay issues, religion issues... etc. So I felt that it is too much for both me and him. I decided to let him go.

So yeah that was pretty much it.

Sometimes, you just need to ask yourself that one question.. will you be happy in the next 10, 20 years with that person?