End his emotional abuse yet protect my child's welfare?

[fallenisis]

I've been married for almost 10 years.. Our only princess is already 7! The emotional abuse from him started when I was pregnant.. all those incidents nearly caused me near miscarriages many times.. Luckily, she's my miracle! But now, the emotional abuse is not only directed towards me but our precious as well! I've been hanging on to our marriage as I want my princess to have a beautiful, loving and happy environment for her to bloom.. Afterall both he and I came from broken family with very complicated histories, I pressumed we'll be responsible parents! Alas, am so so very very wrong!

Now I just want to end this emotional abuse as it finally dawned on me that my princess has been blaming herself for his abuse targeted at me! She's only 7!!! Can anyone will understand the heart wrenching pain I felt yesterday?!?!

We were happily having lunch when he just flipped! Started hurling vulgarities and hurtful remarks at me! Right in front of her!!! I grabbed her and the car keys and drove off!

While in the car, I could hear muffled whimperings, turned around only to see my precious trying her best not to cry! Tears was trickling down her puffy eyes from all the muffled crying! Minute I reached over to hug her, she cried so hard! Kept apologising to me!!! A 7 year old feeling guilty!!! She thinks she's the cause of all his anger towards me!!!

Enough is enough.. I know in her heart she loves both daddy as much as mummy but this is not healthy at all for her! And I no longer can endure him anymore!!

I want to know if I were the petitioner and him the defendant, how do I make sure she gets her welfare? He contributed 80% to the payment of the flat through cpf as I'm only working part-time since marrying him, I contributed 85% of the amount in our monetary accounts, although verbally I had him promise me that all our worth and assets belongs 100% to her..

Now am worried that should I request for divorce;
1) he might not keep his promise and wants a bigger cut for himself (we've recently had an argument and he wanted to split everything (him)50 : 50(me n daughter) of which is totally not right! it should be 100% to her!)
2) he might not pay me maintainence (of which I dun give a damn for my share, rather am more concerned for my precious' share)
3) am only working part-time, will I qualify to have my daughter's custody?
4) can I have the flat 100% if he insist on splitting monetary account 50:50?
5) during childbirth I had a spinal injury and was diagnosed with osteoarthritis, which made me very reliant on the dosmestic helper in housekeeping and also sometimes the caring of my daughter when am in terrible pain, can I request he maintains the helper?

I know it may seem like am a gold-digger but am hardly earning enough now as part-timer for me and daughter to afford the domestic helper.. and with my back's deterioting (am only 34 but the back structure of a 60 plus) its impossible to sit nor stand nor walk for long hours (already twice lost full-time jobs!) I can only try protect my daughter's welfare and future..

 

[sylar]

Have you tried talking to him? Understand what's causing him anger and why his anger is directed at you.

Make him understand what he's doing is not only hurting you but your daughter as well. State that example you just gave.

More often than not, there is the other side of the story. Then maybe you all can come to a mend.

 

[sgbabydoll]

10 years of continuous emotional abuse has become a habit or a way of life. I won't even bother to look for reasons for such behaviour.

Fallenisis, I recommend that you pick up a book from the public libraries - "When marriage breaks down: rights, obligations and division of marital property" by Foo Siew Fong, and find out more about divorces in Singapore. The call number is 346.59570166 FOO. Best if you can consult a lawyer on your concerns.

 

[sgbabydoll]

Fallenisis

I don't understand this: "I contributed 85% of the amount in our monetary accounts..." -- What is a monetary account? What is the money for?

You said: "I had him promise me that all our worth and assets belongs 100% to her" -- I don't think it is reasonable of you to demand that your husband passes all of his assets to your daughter when he probably still has obligations toward his ageing parents. Also, he may remarry in future and has the responsibility to take care of his new family too. You should seek to work out a fairer arrangement with him.

 

[fallenisis]

doLL,

Our monetary account is our joint financial accounts. All my savings are in the joint fixed deposit accounts as we cant have it in my girl's name as she is not of legal age. I have never thought of stashing some in my personal account, like he secretly did. See how stupid I was!

All the time I was on thinking of my daughter's future, should in case anything happen to either 1 of us.. she's financially well cared for..

I know he has another savings account of which I know he saves for his parents besides giving their monthly allowance but unknown to me all this time we've been married, it was an accidental and very shocking discovery for me, he had a secret personal account not contributed into the joint accounts!!

All our worth and assets in the joint accounts from day 1 we saved together was meant for him & me in case of retrenchment or emergency but otherwise its mainly for our children's future which was why I made the decision to include all my personal savings from before our marriage into the joint accounts! Which was why I made him give me that promise instead of havin git legally documented! I trusted him wholeheartedly!

Please tell me what fairer arrangements can I work out with him, when from day 1 its for our children?

Even my cpf was totally wiped out for the flat which was at that time twice of his. I only stopped contributing when I stopped working during my difficult pregnancy and from then on I wanted to be a full-time mum to our precious miracle.. I have never complained nor pressure him to acknowledge that from the start I was the bigger contributor..

Do you think its fair arrangment for me that he easily can remarry and that he and his new family could just comfortably take over what was originally meant for our children?

If what my friend said is true, everythin 50:50, then I've lost a hefty 35% of my girl's future only to benefit his new family.. Then thats a very cruel price to fork out!

However bad happens, he has his family for help, whereas I've only me and my girl.. Both my parents are gone..

 

[fallenisis]

Sylar

sigh... whenever I tried talking to him it'll just start another episode.. all I know was that we married way before his planned age.. NO! didnt corner him into it.. He himself told my parents upon successfully balloting for our 1st flat, we'll get married..

Its been made known countless times that have quite a negative affect on our girl.. He know it too! There were times she was so affected she will stay away or hide from him.. but she'll quicky forget bout it if we managed to coerce her when she was younger..

 

[greyarea]

fallenisis,
i almost teared when you mentioned how your precious girl cried, apologise and blame herself for all this. i have a 16 months baby girl that's why i feel so sad for you.. oh dear, your story really breaks my heart.. be strong girl for the sake of your daughter. actually if you really have no choice but to lose some assets/money due to the divorce, i think it's worth it. afterall money can slowly earn back and the emotional well being and love is the most precious thing your girl needs now.. staying in an abusive family is detrimental to her well being..

so, stay strong and get out even if it means losing a hefty 35% after fighting for the alimony..