Do I need to see a psychiatrist
- Thread starter finger
- Start date
To Chilli Queen & Paperboat & Littlewoman
Thank you sooo much !!! For your generous sharing! Reading your post filled my eyes with tears!I am so relieved to know that there are women like me who DID it and this problem can be resolved! Honestly, I would very much love to be a normal and healthy couple like every one else.
From the day I know my bf, he made me feel that I want to be a better person for the good of both of us because he deserve it! I want to be the sweetest gf he ever had. I want to be his best friend, be his soul mate, be a future good wife, be a future good daughter in law and a future good mother to our future kids.
Because we love each other alot, we can also hurt each other alot until we can resolve this problem (hibernation, face black black.. whatever ..) together.
I will have a heart to heart talk with him again to assure him that I am not abnormal. And of course to practise some of the suggestions which many people here have generously offered.
I have been reading every single post, every single suggestion repeatedly and will discuss with my bf on the following actions to decide which is the best course of action for us.
1. SimpleMan says "try other means like sending a message saying that you love him but needs a little space and time to cool down.. and ask for his patience. If you put it nicely, I don't see why he will go into a war with you" >> I strongly agree and will put this into action
2. Littlewoman says "Some people like to be left alone when they are upset and will only want to communicate when the mood improves... if there is a mutual understanding on this point, there will be no war in a way... " >> I agree. I will to strike a MUTUAL understanding with my bf
3. Faith says "Use 'I-messages' " >> I will put this into action. In future when I feel lousy I will tell him that "I feel lousy with myself. Please be patient with me and let me cool down" During this period it is not advisable that he continue to talk to me to normalise/ neutralise me which of course such attempts will fail since I will not respond and in turn anger him.
4. Headache says "explain your unhappiness after hibernation" >> Will put this into actions
Otherwise my bf will think that I am being abnormal and difficult.
5. junkie says "get rid of ur unnecessary pride. why cry over something so trivial" >> I have no pride. If I have pride. I won't cry in public already. I am crying out of frustration and I am angry with myself. Of course after I solve my problem, I won't cry in public again
6. Big ego says "u n ur bf shld really sit down and have a discussion" >> Agree ! We will do that
7. PinkTweet says "root cause is communication, ie. open and frank communication with each other about your thoughts, views, ideas, etc .." >> True. I have not been totally open and frank with him abt my thoughts. I would love to enjoy his company that day when he was free but he MIA.. had I made it known to him in the first place. I believe he would have spared me some time.
8. Junkie suggested a book by Deborah Luepnitz. >> Will definitely get hold of this book. For those who are also interested. This book is currently available at Woodland and Bishan branch.
9. ChilliQueen says "All you need to do, is to cross over the barrier that is inside yourself, and learn to speak up" & " Open up..... Speak. Don't close up anymore." >> Agree. I admit that have this internal barrier. I need to cross it. And speak up after that. This is tough.. But I will really try.
10. Paperboat says "but control is the key. Keep telling yourself you want to make things better and not worse" >> Once in hibernation, sometimes my mind simply go blank. I will keep telling myself the same thing that you keep telling yourself
11. Paperboat says "Tell your other half that u love him. It works! It would stop any quarrels immediately." >> It really takes alot of courage to say love when i feel upset with him. But i will try this method too
There are of course many other good suggestions which you people have offered. I really feel inspired! And you people have given me strength to try again !!
Thank you sooo much !!! For your generous sharing! Reading your post filled my eyes with tears!I am so relieved to know that there are women like me who DID it and this problem can be resolved! Honestly, I would very much love to be a normal and healthy couple like every one else.
From the day I know my bf, he made me feel that I want to be a better person for the good of both of us because he deserve it! I want to be the sweetest gf he ever had. I want to be his best friend, be his soul mate, be a future good wife, be a future good daughter in law and a future good mother to our future kids.
Because we love each other alot, we can also hurt each other alot until we can resolve this problem (hibernation, face black black.. whatever ..) together.
I will have a heart to heart talk with him again to assure him that I am not abnormal. And of course to practise some of the suggestions which many people here have generously offered.
I have been reading every single post, every single suggestion repeatedly and will discuss with my bf on the following actions to decide which is the best course of action for us.
1. SimpleMan says "try other means like sending a message saying that you love him but needs a little space and time to cool down.. and ask for his patience. If you put it nicely, I don't see why he will go into a war with you" >> I strongly agree and will put this into action
2. Littlewoman says "Some people like to be left alone when they are upset and will only want to communicate when the mood improves... if there is a mutual understanding on this point, there will be no war in a way... " >> I agree. I will to strike a MUTUAL understanding with my bf
3. Faith says "Use 'I-messages' " >> I will put this into action. In future when I feel lousy I will tell him that "I feel lousy with myself. Please be patient with me and let me cool down" During this period it is not advisable that he continue to talk to me to normalise/ neutralise me which of course such attempts will fail since I will not respond and in turn anger him.
4. Headache says "explain your unhappiness after hibernation" >> Will put this into actions
5. junkie says "get rid of ur unnecessary pride. why cry over something so trivial" >> I have no pride. If I have pride. I won't cry in public already. I am crying out of frustration and I am angry with myself. Of course after I solve my problem, I won't cry in public again
6. Big ego says "u n ur bf shld really sit down and have a discussion" >> Agree ! We will do that
7. PinkTweet says "root cause is communication, ie. open and frank communication with each other about your thoughts, views, ideas, etc .." >> True. I have not been totally open and frank with him abt my thoughts. I would love to enjoy his company that day when he was free but he MIA.. had I made it known to him in the first place. I believe he would have spared me some time.
8. Junkie suggested a book by Deborah Luepnitz. >> Will definitely get hold of this book. For those who are also interested. This book is currently available at Woodland and Bishan branch.
9. ChilliQueen says "All you need to do, is to cross over the barrier that is inside yourself, and learn to speak up" & " Open up..... Speak. Don't close up anymore." >> Agree. I admit that have this internal barrier. I need to cross it. And speak up after that. This is tough.. But I will really try.
10. Paperboat says "but control is the key. Keep telling yourself you want to make things better and not worse" >> Once in hibernation, sometimes my mind simply go blank. I will keep telling myself the same thing that you keep telling yourself
11. Paperboat says "Tell your other half that u love him. It works! It would stop any quarrels immediately." >> It really takes alot of courage to say love when i feel upset with him. But i will try this method too
There are of course many other good suggestions which you people have offered. I really feel inspired! And you people have given me strength to try again !!
finger: I am glad that you seems to find a "way out"... I am not saying that you shld take and do all the advices at one go but take it slowly and explore which is the best way for your bf and you. Like I mention in my other posts, it realli take at least 2 hands to make "noise" and hence I believe there shld be an improvement to ur r/s if both of you work hard for it... Kanbatei.
Thanks gal, I am glad to be of some "help" in one way or another... but I dun dare to take this credit.. There are alot of other forumers in here who give real good advices.. Read the other threads and u will noe who are the people I am referring to...
I myself am a learner of my life as well...
infojunkie
Active Member
finger,
do not expect to find the exact scenario like urs fm the book. but i hope u can look at how other people fought their personal battles, and adopt the rite "mindset" to win. hope u'll know "how talking cures/helps"
jiayou jiayou~
do not expect to find the exact scenario like urs fm the book. but i hope u can look at how other people fought their personal battles, and adopt the rite "mindset" to win. hope u'll know "how talking cures/helps"
jiayou jiayou~
christmas_bride
New Member
Hi Finger,
I have pm you.
I have pm you.
miloice
Well-Known Member
actually, alot of the conflicts are not from the words exchanged but the body language displayed. Your shutting down and black face is directly portraying disapproval to your bf. Instead of being understanding, he is reacting instinctively trying to fix you and getting all frustrated that he failed to fix you.
He needs to understand and stop taking your signals literally. On the other hand, you can try to assure him you just need time out. And when you come back in better mood, show your appreciation for his patience with you. Its a give and take, both learning to cope with the differences TOGETHER.
It doesn't mean you cannot take time out, you just need to endure a bit to give him the indication and assurance. Indication that you are too emotional and assurance that its not his fault and you do not need nor is asking to be fixed. Then, when you come back in calmer mood, you can share your problems with better composure.
Burying things under the carpet doesn't solve anything. Even if there is no quick solution, you need clear your partner's doubts and help him understand you better. Shutting up not only frustrates him but keep him clueless. When he is showing patience and concern for you, don't punish him. That is literally driving him away.
If my partner is this emotional and I know nothing I could do to 'fix her', I would just give her a big warm hug and assure her that I'm there for her. Beyond that, I cannot do more to force her to open up. But everyone has their limits and patience. Don't run it so thin. Your partner can only become more sensitive and attentive to your feelings if you allowed and guide him to. No one is exactly the same, but understanding basic gender difference helps us realize how common this differences are. The scenario may be different, but we are not alone. Every couple will encounter some kind of differences and conflicts.
Relationships is always an art. There is no science behind it where you can stick to principles and rules generically. It only forms basic boundaries. Nothing is absolutely right or wrong, so, don't fight battles of correctness or fault finding (blames). Be entirely flexible, open your mindset and understand your mate's perspective.
He needs to understand and stop taking your signals literally. On the other hand, you can try to assure him you just need time out. And when you come back in better mood, show your appreciation for his patience with you. Its a give and take, both learning to cope with the differences TOGETHER.
It doesn't mean you cannot take time out, you just need to endure a bit to give him the indication and assurance. Indication that you are too emotional and assurance that its not his fault and you do not need nor is asking to be fixed. Then, when you come back in calmer mood, you can share your problems with better composure.
Burying things under the carpet doesn't solve anything. Even if there is no quick solution, you need clear your partner's doubts and help him understand you better. Shutting up not only frustrates him but keep him clueless. When he is showing patience and concern for you, don't punish him. That is literally driving him away.
If my partner is this emotional and I know nothing I could do to 'fix her', I would just give her a big warm hug and assure her that I'm there for her. Beyond that, I cannot do more to force her to open up. But everyone has their limits and patience. Don't run it so thin. Your partner can only become more sensitive and attentive to your feelings if you allowed and guide him to. No one is exactly the same, but understanding basic gender difference helps us realize how common this differences are. The scenario may be different, but we are not alone. Every couple will encounter some kind of differences and conflicts.
Relationships is always an art. There is no science behind it where you can stick to principles and rules generically. It only forms basic boundaries. Nothing is absolutely right or wrong, so, don't fight battles of correctness or fault finding (blames). Be entirely flexible, open your mindset and understand your mate's perspective.
miloice
Well-Known Member
About the fault finding, self blaming is another one struggles many people tend to do. I believe more so for women. They tend to think there are issues because of their imperfections.
There are issues because everyone is unique. There is nothing to blame about differences. Identify and acknowledge them. If the couple can work around them and grow, then the relationship strengthens. IF the difference are too great or conflicting to individual principles and goals, then the relationship grows apart. It is completely normal. Blame no one.
There are issues because everyone is unique. There is nothing to blame about differences. Identify and acknowledge them. If the couple can work around them and grow, then the relationship strengthens. IF the difference are too great or conflicting to individual principles and goals, then the relationship grows apart. It is completely normal. Blame no one.
Miloice,
I think you have a big heart. Do you really give your partner a big warm hug when she is in one of those mood?
Because sometimes, my bf is angry with me for being angry and 'punish' me by behaving like me to 'punish' me to give me a taste of my own medicine.
Because I am wrong to ignore him and instead of being stronger for me, to stand by me, he ignores me too, so sometimes we are stuck.. seems like the wrong become more wrong and even harder to turn around the situation.
Are you always so patient with your gf?
Don't you feel angry with her for ignoring you too?
I think you have a big heart. Do you really give your partner a big warm hug when she is in one of those mood?
Because sometimes, my bf is angry with me for being angry and 'punish' me by behaving like me to 'punish' me to give me a taste of my own medicine.
Because I am wrong to ignore him and instead of being stronger for me, to stand by me, he ignores me too, so sometimes we are stuck.. seems like the wrong become more wrong and even harder to turn around the situation.
Are you always so patient with your gf?
Don't you feel angry with her for ignoring you too?
miloice
Well-Known Member
I only learnt the importance of intimacy really late. Its really very important. I was never so affectionale or intimate with my ex nor other women. Now, I hug my mum and wife alot. It works wonders cos all they need to feel loved and heard at that very moment. Understanding and reminding myself on why they are behaving like this removes alot of resentments. Don't take each other differences personally.
Of cos I have my limits too. And there are times I withdraw my affections. That's why I say its an art in relationship. We cannot be so clingy. Men have pride too. Its the careful balance to get things working.
When I'm really over my limit, I will just tell her off too. The idea is really to trig reflections on both parties. Its normal to be angry. What's next? Play childish war for the other to eat humble pie? I cherish my relationship more than to more damage to it. I give her time to open up, but if she is always shut, my patience will run still. Think long term and big picture. Don't give in to each other childishness. Give in for the good of the relationship.
Communication is key in an relationship. Work on to open that channel. It need not be many words exchanged all of the time. Its about reacting the supportive and effective way at the right time.
Of cos I have my limits too. And there are times I withdraw my affections. That's why I say its an art in relationship. We cannot be so clingy. Men have pride too. Its the careful balance to get things working.
When I'm really over my limit, I will just tell her off too. The idea is really to trig reflections on both parties. Its normal to be angry. What's next? Play childish war for the other to eat humble pie? I cherish my relationship more than to more damage to it. I give her time to open up, but if she is always shut, my patience will run still. Think long term and big picture. Don't give in to each other childishness. Give in for the good of the relationship.
Communication is key in an relationship. Work on to open that channel. It need not be many words exchanged all of the time. Its about reacting the supportive and effective way at the right time.
Hi finger,
Like you, I tend to switch to "silent mode" when I am upset (not only with bf but with most people, including family). According to my bf, this is the most terrible treatment, worse than harsh words or tears. Luckily for me, he is a patient and understanding man who is willing to stay by me and wait out till I am ready to open up.
Usually, when I feel better, I will tell him what was going on inside my brain and my heart, and what he had done to trigger them. I can tell that, he does make mental notes and put in effort to avoid repeating the same thing that cause me grief. On my end, I always ended up feeling guilty for making him feel terrible. I hate to be the source of his unhappiness. So I constantly remind myself that whenever I give him a day of sadness, he would have a day less of happiness, I'd rather give him a happy day.
Last time when I went into the "silent mode", I didn't want to be touched... I'd pull myself back when he tried to touch me and look away when he attempted to talk to me. I'd rather let the tears flow than to be appeased. But now because of the "I don't want him to have a day less of happiness" mentality, I allow myself to "surrender" so that I can "melt" faster. Sometimes, the tears refuse to stop, I'll laugh and assure him that I am "really ok already". Seeing that, he'll also laugh at my silliness.
I told my bf about this thread, he said he has no solution to offer, cos "silence treatment" is his worst fear and he still doesn't really know how to handle. However, he commented that playing tic-for-tac can make things worse. I agree with him, cos if he were to do that to me, hurt and pride may come into play, trivial pettiness may eventually ruin a relationship. Anyway, he asked, and I cannot answer, "The guy is annoyed that the girl often gives him silence treatment, so why is he still always upsetting her?"
Like you, I tend to switch to "silent mode" when I am upset (not only with bf but with most people, including family). According to my bf, this is the most terrible treatment, worse than harsh words or tears. Luckily for me, he is a patient and understanding man who is willing to stay by me and wait out till I am ready to open up.
Usually, when I feel better, I will tell him what was going on inside my brain and my heart, and what he had done to trigger them. I can tell that, he does make mental notes and put in effort to avoid repeating the same thing that cause me grief. On my end, I always ended up feeling guilty for making him feel terrible. I hate to be the source of his unhappiness. So I constantly remind myself that whenever I give him a day of sadness, he would have a day less of happiness, I'd rather give him a happy day.
Last time when I went into the "silent mode", I didn't want to be touched... I'd pull myself back when he tried to touch me and look away when he attempted to talk to me. I'd rather let the tears flow than to be appeased. But now because of the "I don't want him to have a day less of happiness" mentality, I allow myself to "surrender" so that I can "melt" faster. Sometimes, the tears refuse to stop, I'll laugh and assure him that I am "really ok already". Seeing that, he'll also laugh at my silliness.
I told my bf about this thread, he said he has no solution to offer, cos "silence treatment" is his worst fear and he still doesn't really know how to handle. However, he commented that playing tic-for-tac can make things worse. I agree with him, cos if he were to do that to me, hurt and pride may come into play, trivial pettiness may eventually ruin a relationship. Anyway, he asked, and I cannot answer, "The guy is annoyed that the girl often gives him silence treatment, so why is he still always upsetting her?"
miloice
Well-Known Member
The thing is everyone has moods. When she isn't ready to talk abt it, it doesn't mean it's him upsetting her. He just need to understand that he has an emotional gf. Nothing so uncommon abt that. It is not possible for anyone to be happy all the time. No need her bf to fix her. He is not responsible or in control of her emotions. Let her handle it herself. She can ask for time out to find peace. Everyone needs some level of personal space.
Quit having fairytale expectations of happily ever after loh. Being supportive is never abt having happy day all the time. We r not mindless ple that depend on our partners for every emotion.
Quit having fairytale expectations of happily ever after loh. Being supportive is never abt having happy day all the time. We r not mindless ple that depend on our partners for every emotion.
Irene, your bf is very patient with you. Really.
My bf and I have our fair share of past relationships.
I have always behaved like this and none of my ex-bf has ever complained about my attitude problem. My ex just left me alone to cool down but will talk to me again after he sense that I am in better control of myself. By then I would have regained calm within myself and all will be back to normal again. Most importantly, while waiting for me to recover, he would never play tic-for-tac to punish me. This is how he managed me. But in the end I still broke up with him over some other trust issue.
Of course every man is different, but at times I am really puzzled why in my past relationship, my attitude problem is not even a problem but in my current relationship this is the MOST SERIOUS problem. So it is like the same thing is no problem to one but a serious problem to another and we are talking about the same thing here lor ..
For my bf's past relationship, seems to me like all his ex, in my opinion and in comparison to myself, are very obedient and very guai. Won't behave like me.. black face.. angry.. pissed off.. upset.. etc .. Haiz.. he is a lucky man. His ex like so guai wont give him a hard time but me .. I am like that.
Having said that.. but I still love him.
My bf and I have our fair share of past relationships.
I have always behaved like this and none of my ex-bf has ever complained about my attitude problem. My ex just left me alone to cool down but will talk to me again after he sense that I am in better control of myself. By then I would have regained calm within myself and all will be back to normal again. Most importantly, while waiting for me to recover, he would never play tic-for-tac to punish me. This is how he managed me. But in the end I still broke up with him over some other trust issue.
Of course every man is different, but at times I am really puzzled why in my past relationship, my attitude problem is not even a problem but in my current relationship this is the MOST SERIOUS problem. So it is like the same thing is no problem to one but a serious problem to another and we are talking about the same thing here lor ..
For my bf's past relationship, seems to me like all his ex, in my opinion and in comparison to myself, are very obedient and very guai. Won't behave like me.. black face.. angry.. pissed off.. upset.. etc .. Haiz.. he is a lucky man. His ex like so guai wont give him a hard time but me .. I am like that.
Having said that.. but I still love him.
finger
Just to share, my husband and me always have long cold war over minor incidents (sigh sigh). Know why? Whenever he's upset with me, he will give me the silent treatment, and i'll silent treatment him back. It will usually lasted until he is cooled down which is a couple of days. Whenever i'm upset with him, i follow his style and blackface him. Similarly he used silent treatment to counter my 'blackface' .. so that makes me even more blackface .. it can last for weeks .. ya, our cold war can last for weeks..
I can tell you this is super duper unhealthy. We are now having problems in our marriage and the root cause is communication. We tried many ways to resolve it but all our tries din seem to work. Cos we literally have lost the ability to communicate with each other. Problem is there for too long liao. Mentally and emotionally i'm really very very tired.
finger, my advice to you is to build up your communication as the pillar of your relationship first before marriage, so that your relationship can withdstand any future storms as life is not always smooth sailing.
Milo, when you mention when your wife is silent or emo, you will give her a big warm hug, i felt quite touched and happy for your wife.. .. Only a real gentleman knows how to do this ..
Just to share, my husband and me always have long cold war over minor incidents (sigh sigh). Know why? Whenever he's upset with me, he will give me the silent treatment, and i'll silent treatment him back. It will usually lasted until he is cooled down which is a couple of days. Whenever i'm upset with him, i follow his style and blackface him. Similarly he used silent treatment to counter my 'blackface' .. so that makes me even more blackface .. it can last for weeks .. ya, our cold war can last for weeks..
I can tell you this is super duper unhealthy. We are now having problems in our marriage and the root cause is communication. We tried many ways to resolve it but all our tries din seem to work. Cos we literally have lost the ability to communicate with each other. Problem is there for too long liao. Mentally and emotionally i'm really very very tired.
finger, my advice to you is to build up your communication as the pillar of your relationship first before marriage, so that your relationship can withdstand any future storms as life is not always smooth sailing.
Milo, when you mention when your wife is silent or emo, you will give her a big warm hug, i felt quite touched and happy for your wife.. .. Only a real gentleman knows how to do this ..
your bad temper is due to
1) you are not neurologically healthy - u cannot control yourself in many situations and u might have some chemically imbalances in ur brain
2) you have not suffered great loss yet due to your temper.
i suggest u stop being such a horrible person and live a more relaxed
1) you are not neurologically healthy - u cannot control yourself in many situations and u might have some chemically imbalances in ur brain
2) you have not suffered great loss yet due to your temper.
i suggest u stop being such a horrible person and live a more relaxed
miloice
Well-Known Member
"Only a real gentleman knows how to do this"
One just need to see beyond the childish fights and recognize the real person. They don't need us to fix or teach them. This isn't what they need. What's so difficult to give our partners time to sort out their thoughts and emotions?
Even when I'm totally pissed and angry. I will sound it off to my partner. Asking her not to take our angry tone personally. Most people aren't exactly so nice when angered. So, why need to get so upset words exchanged at that moment. Be it chemicals in the brain or character traits that is making it difficult to cope with the emotions, what's important is, are you making it better or worst. If my giving in is helping the situation, I would gladly do it. But, if I'm taken for granted by my partner, then, its a different story. One has to be firm at the right time and not depend on emotional reactions.
One just need to see beyond the childish fights and recognize the real person. They don't need us to fix or teach them. This isn't what they need. What's so difficult to give our partners time to sort out their thoughts and emotions?
Even when I'm totally pissed and angry. I will sound it off to my partner. Asking her not to take our angry tone personally. Most people aren't exactly so nice when angered. So, why need to get so upset words exchanged at that moment. Be it chemicals in the brain or character traits that is making it difficult to cope with the emotions, what's important is, are you making it better or worst. If my giving in is helping the situation, I would gladly do it. But, if I'm taken for granted by my partner, then, its a different story. One has to be firm at the right time and not depend on emotional reactions.
shirleypoise
New Member
I have a fren who, similarly, dun tell her bf e things tt bothers her abt their r/s n only show him e same cold shoulder n black face. She'll come to me once in a while to "unload" her unhappiness n some of e things tt she doesn't like tt he's doing to her. E amazing thing is most of these "dislikes" could easily b resolved by talking to him. U can't blame an ignorant man right..
When I ask her why she's not telling him, her reply is "I dun wanna stress him". So I ask her "n u r not stressing urself by not stressing him?"
In a certain way I feel tt she just dun wish to b a quarrelsome gf or 1 w high expectations. However she has also missed e point tt in a relationship, it's abt 2 pax. So long as only 1 party is too overwhelmed by e things he/she has to do in order to make e other party happy, e r/s is a straining one.
It is necessary for u to make a change in ur behaviour if u really do want to keep e r/s for a long long time. Dun ever tell urself tt u r like tt so there's nothing u can do abt it cuz I can tell u for certain tt e change is possible. It's all about your will power.
When I ask her why she's not telling him, her reply is "I dun wanna stress him". So I ask her "n u r not stressing urself by not stressing him?"
In a certain way I feel tt she just dun wish to b a quarrelsome gf or 1 w high expectations. However she has also missed e point tt in a relationship, it's abt 2 pax. So long as only 1 party is too overwhelmed by e things he/she has to do in order to make e other party happy, e r/s is a straining one.
It is necessary for u to make a change in ur behaviour if u really do want to keep e r/s for a long long time. Dun ever tell urself tt u r like tt so there's nothing u can do abt it cuz I can tell u for certain tt e change is possible. It's all about your will power.
milo_powder
New Member
Hi hoddioo,
Just a few posts and "you know she is neurologically unhealthy", "have not suffered great loss yet" and is a "horrible person".
May i know what special equipment did you use to affirm this? Don't tell me it's your brain.
Just a few posts and "you know she is neurologically unhealthy", "have not suffered great loss yet" and is a "horrible person".
May i know what special equipment did you use to affirm this? Don't tell me it's your brain.