Do I need to see a psychiatrist

F

finger

New Member
I really hate myself whenever it happens! According to my bf of 2 years, I have a bad temper which he cannot accept. Such that he is holding back our plan for marriage as he is still contemplating whenever he can lives with a ‘woman like me’.

Whenever I feel upset or pissed off with him, my character and temper is such that I will go into a ‘hibernation’ mode, I will become quiet. I am not a vocal woman. I do not know how to vent or voice out my anger and disappointment. Unlike other normal girls who know how to scold their bf, shout at them and make it known to their bf about what angered them.

I will become like a dead robot, totally shut down into my own world. Even when he tries to talk to me nicely, I simply cannot bring myself out from my ‘world’ and be normal again. He in turn will feel angry and frustrated that I am not responding to him and we will start this ‘vicious silent treatment syndrome’.

I am aware that this is very unhealthy for our relationship. We really do love each other a lot. Which is why I feel so devastated each time it happens. It really breaks my heart when we both start to ignore each other and give each other the silent treatment.

We did try to resolve this problem and come out with solution like even if he makes me angry I shall not be angry for more than a specified length of time. Say 30 minutes or so for me to cool down and recover and be back to normal again. At first, it works. But now this method doesn’t seem to work anymore because now he starts to ignore me and give me the cold shoulder too. And we go walk our own separate ways, he in front, and me at the back when it happens outside.

I feel so terrible!! Am I an ‘abnormal’ girl? Given that my temper is character is like this? I am quiet whenever I am angry because I feel that I will say a lot of ‘wrong’ things when I am angry and say things which I do not mean and will regret after that. I do not want to say hurtful things to my bf when I am angry. This, I have explained to him and he kind of accept my character that I need some time to cool off and be alone.

He has never encountered such an abnormal girl like me. Initially he encouraged me to speak up whenever I am unhappy, as he does not like to be treated with silence. So, there was this incident that I really voiced out what it is that is bothering me and end up we had a big quarrel. So in the end, we stick to the grace period for me to be silent and cool down. But now he is picking up the bad habit from me and is ignoring me too.

Is my temper really so bad? So weird? I am beginning to doubt myself and I hate myself!! Should I see a psychiatrist over my temper?
 


your behaviour is not abnormal to warrant a visit to the psychiatrist ...

it boils down to your character, your personality .. this is how you choose to behave when you are upset or pissed off.

i suggest you keep working on the attitude.
 
finger: I don't think it is abnormal, different people have different ways of handlings their emotions and anger etc... It takes mutual understanding for 2 to understand what to do when in arguments. Some chooses to keep mum while some chooses to voice it out etc and there are also some who chooses to let it go.... I will be rather quiet when I argue with my HB too... he will let me cool off and we will start talking about the issues after I open my mouth to start talking... ur Bf doesn't like silent treatment but at times silent treatment could be helpful as well, at times we can't take back what we had said on impulsive manner...
 
I don't find it abnormal too. In fact i feel it's good to go into a "hibernate" mood, cool down rather than to shout, quarrel and blurt out all angry words.
I go into a "hibernate" mood too, cool down and start to discuss about the issue again in a neutral manner. It works, applied that at work and towards friends too.
I don't understand what ur bf is thinking about, he prefer someone to shout and fight with him instead?
 
thanks little woman..we thought we have found a solution to our problem until recently he starts behaving like me too. So it's like now we are both ignoring each other and somtimes it is really hard to break the silence.

how long do you usually takes to cool off and be back to normal again? while waiting for you to cool off, does your HB gives you 'face', ignore you? walk away, walk apart from you(if it happens outside) ?
 
finger: it all boils down to the cause of the problem/issue. Perhaps he needs time to cool himself down as well? How about you? It doesn't realli take long for me to cool down and for my case, if my HB is the one at fault, he will apologise after I open my mouth to talk... And I will do the same if I am the one at fault. We don't expect to be holdings hands during a "cold war" ya, we will allow each other to be "alone" doing our own things etc if we are at home... if it is outside, we will jus walk besides each other but one party will take the initative to break the ice...
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For eg: I will smile when I see a cute BB walking past me etc... this usually helps a lot in cheering my mood up etc... It is never easy to get the other party to see things in ur perspective and we try not to commit the same "mistake" after each argument... Most importantly is don't keep pinpointing on the other's flaws in order to seek a mutual understanding on the other person...
 
littlewoman.. you are a good natured woman. I feel like a bad woman each time it happened. When it happened outside, in fact, it just happened again yesterday, he walked a distance away from me. We don't walk side by side. How do I recover and make peace with him? Even before I recover, he is already giving me a cold shoulder..and his expression.. is like telling me.. i spoil the day again.. it 'did it' again. Maybe my expression wasn't good too. Hence we are stuck. And I was like walking alone yesterday and crying to myself. That I am not sure if he is aware.. For me.. i feel that I need my bf to be strong for me when such things happen. I am not the kind of woman who become angry and turn around immediately. But it definitely doesn't help that he is ignoring me too. It is adding oil to fire to make matters worse..sob.. sob ..I feel like asking him to hold my hand so that we dont walk apart but i am afraid to ..
 
finger: u have to speak to your bf abt it... how old are the both of you may I ask? Noone has a good expression in an argument? I mean we won't be smiling when we are not happy over some issues right? How about you discuss the matter over with your bf, how can he makes things better? In this way, he might be able to handle the situation better... but remember, it is a discussion, hence it is not to get personal or defensive.
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little woman.. i m 32 and he is 1 year younger. we have discussed it before that he will give me grace period to cool down. Sometimes it works. Sometimes it dont. It dont when he gives me the cold shoulder. He explained to me previously that what how else do i expect him to behave then? It is like he is behaving like that because i started it ..
 
finger: we get irritated when our partners showed us the sulky face too right? That's why we mus stick to what we have promised prior to the argument, not easy but we mus remember that fighting is never as fun as being loving...
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finger, I'm like u too, will keep quiet the moment that I get angry with my hubby, since our courtship days....he too didn't understand y and we have quarreled over this several times. like ur bf, he would always ignore me then we ended up in big fights.

It takes a lot of communication for him to understand that I didn't wan to say something in a moment of anger which is y I chose to keep quiet. Nowadays, we jus let each other cool off and then i will find the right oppty to let him know wat i'm angry with....
 
No. Dun think it's a habit of Gals. It is Personality Issue.

WTH will know what go wrong if one keep mute?? Instead of communicating, one become ostrich and the other one use "an eye for an eye" method.. How far can this relationship go?
 
I guess that depends on an individual on how they want to handle the situation... How far can a r/s goes will also depends on how the couple communicate based on mutual understtanding and if they are able to handle it well... Is thate a link between a succesful r/s and whether the person does keep mum in an argument? I personally does not feel so...
 
When you are angry, tell him what's bothering you without pointing fingers. Use 'I-messages'.

In my case, I told my husband, "I would appreciate some help in the kitchen. Lunch can be served an hour earlier if you can help me peel the onion and chop the garlic."

This shut him up and he realize it was mean of him to 'accuse' me of being slow in cooking.

After lunch, I would then scold him, "Don't want to help but still have the cheek to say I'm slow in my cooking!" He would then laugh and admit it was mean of him.

Sometimes, we would use humour. For example, I am very pissed of with his mum (who is living with us) for her untidy habits. My MIL likes to throw her bra and panties around the house. If I tidy up for her, I know I'm going to get angry, so I pass the job to hubby. Hubby would then pick up the items and then pretend to do a 'pole' dance before flinging the bra and panties on mother-in-law's bed. We would burst out laughing and the anger would be gone.

So, open communication is very important and it helps if both are reasonable people. I said 'reasonable' because I do know of couples where one or both parties just want to win all the time despite being in the wrong.

Hope this helps. By the way, we've been married for close to 2 decades. This year, we'll be celebrating our 18th anniversary.
 
thanks to everyone who shared with me
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even though i still feel very low and lousy about myself. I will work hard to control myself and not to be angry easily.. (but girls are emotionally one mah, furthermore my hormones have always been unbalanced..i am not finding excuses. it is a fact)

the next time if i were to feel upset again, i will tell my bf that I still love him and i feel that i am going into hibernation again and ask him to bear with me .. I hope it works..
 
To have mutual understanding, the first thing is to communicate right? None of them want to make the first move to communicate so how to make relationship successful? A fire won't start if there is no spark. If none realise where the source come from, how to prevent another fire?

No one in this world know what kind of person you are by just looking at you. But of coz if one were to see you in an unreasonable state, the "image points (形象分)" will be deducted.

So, with no image and no communication in a relationship, how far can it go?

A reminder - I have mentioned personality issue. If one don't even know he/her own personality, who will?? Target the root cause.
 
It may be helpful to also explain your unhappiness after hibernation, so that whatever issue that caused the fight will not repeat again. Otherwise it is no point going into hibernation again and again without resolving issues that cause your quarrels.
 
Effective Communication is indeed a good way to improve a r/s and understand what the other party wants. A communication at the heat of anger won't improve things, instead it might worsen the things especially if one says the things whereby we can't take back thereafter... It is true that we have to know who we are before expecting others to understand us but what TS is seeking advice is how to tackle the issue during the argument and not who she is... TS knows that the root cause is she doesn't like to talk during an argument, but is this realli a major problem whereby most of us need our cooling time in an argument too? It is just a different way of how we choose to handle the same issue.
 
At times when we are angry and wants to be alone, we may not speak in a good tone..

So if speaking out is difficult.. try other means like sending a message saying that you love him but needs a little space and time to cool down.. and ask for his patience. If you put it nicely, I don't see why he will go into a war with you.
 
It is easy to say but it might not be easy to do that when we are upset or unhappy... Some people like to be left alone when they are upset and will only want to communicate when the mood improves... if there is a mutual understanding on this point, there will be no war in a way...
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each time it happens, both of us will feel apologetic after that..we acknowledge that this is a big problem but we do not do things right out to hurt each other. Just that .. at the moment when it happen.. it is like automatic already .. that we start treating each other coldly..
 
Both of you allow your emotions to overtake the rationality... wun say that it is right/wrong but the bottomline is we have to try to overcome it if we see it as an issue that cause the r/s to drift apart...
 
I do agree to certain extend that minimum or No communication during a heated argument is fine. What I am saying here they have to communicate then..

Most replies supported this ‘hibernation’ mode behaviour. None in here actually target to find what the root cause of it is. It’s only she herself know that.

What kind of advise can the people here give? Base on personal experience? If so, same way to tackle such issues may backfire too with different personality.
 
Noone is supporting / not supporting this "hibernation" mode... Replies are given based on what was being told to us... though we put in some comments based on our personal experience.. I am sure TS knows which she should pick up and not to listen and apply what we had advised to all of her situations... TS didn't mention that they didn't communicate, but saying that she didn't speak up / out during times whereby she was pissed.... She mentioned that her bf is also doing it recently and it isn't healthy.. both her bf and her are aware of the root problem... and she is trying to resolve it...
 
Hiazzzz.... Think you dun understand where I am coming from.. -_-;;

I keep mentioning personality. Does she know it comes from within?
 
the root of the prob is.. i seems to be too petty and get upset over small things.. so far we have never quarelled over big issue. The biggest issue according to him is my hibernation problem which he is still learning to cope.

I got upset and cried yst because my bf has a whole day, free day which is very very hard to come by.. and the day before he suggested that we go cycling etc.. so I waited for him the whole day.. but he went MIA.. i though something must have cropped up that he suddenly got busy. So i also didn't disturb him and gloomily stayed at home. Until yst when I asked him why he went MIA.. he said he was at home the whole day. Sleeping etc .. i was soo upset and disappointed. He has a whole free day and yet he is not spending time with me.. so in turn .. i go into hibernation ..

when i cool down.. i thought that i am stupid.. he has his own choice to decide how he want to spend his precious free time.. I am simply too stupid or "zi zuo duo qing" to presume that he wants to spend it with me. Which obviously not.
 
Comes from within? Personality could be shaped and changed by a lot of circumstancial factors....

Finger: did you give him a chance to explain? Did he forget or was he simply too tired that he dozed off unknowingly?
 
Mmmm..he did not offer much explanation. He muttered something like when he said he wanted to bring me go cycling i did not say a yes or something like that...
 
Littlewoman – OMG… I duno you reply because you want to reply or you have think before you reply.

External factor does play a part. But when one don’t even want to consider a change in it, no point having external force. It depends on oneself. Be it TS or her BF.

Re-read her posts and hope you see where I am coming from.
 
Mmm.. I was too upset by then.. so I kept quiet.. otherwise if i were to speak up, judging by my character, I would have have drilled him further and asked him how could he say something and the next day pretend that he has never said it before.. something like that..

He sort of has already explained but i am still unhappy even after hearing it. After that he tried to talk normal stuffs to me but being me.. i remained quiet.. because inside my heart I m still grouchy that he rather sleep then spend time with me.. so he tried a bit harder to talk to me but i am still cold.. We ate our lunch in silence(by then i think he has already gave up on trying). And i started dropping tears( I started sobbing because I feel terrible and I do not know how to jump out of this shit!!!). Even though we sat facing each other diagonally.. he didn't notice that I am already sobbing. When we left the restaurant. We walked apart..both our face i must say must be awlful and sulky..

when we walked back to the car park.. I told him that I am feeling very lousy.. I picked up my stuffs and keys then I told him I am going home myself (because it is too unbearable and i foresee that he would send me home drop me at the car park and not offer to send me up like ususal. And we would part in silence). And he drove off without me.

Are both of us childish?? to think that at our age .. We are still behaving like that.. but i must say that I am more at fault..

Had I let go after hearing his explanation (which to me wasnt much of an explanation), things wouldn't have escalated. So, I am the petty and narrow minded one right?
 
Iris: U are saying OMG coz u dun get what I mean... that doesn't mean I dun think or get what u mean or it simply means our views are different. U mention that they have an issue with their personalities but the bottomline is what did you suggest to help them or her? I see none from your posts... What i am trying to put across in my last post is: external factors play a part in how one behaves and perceives, how does one behave can be shaped and changed by external factors. TS went into "hibernation" mood whenever she is unhappy, she chooses to behave in this way doesn't equates to her having a personality issue, just coz you think otherwise on how she shld "communicate" in resolving the issue.. could it be that she feel that bigger arguments resulted coz she had voiced out and thus, she choose not to/dare not to subsequently? Similarity, just like I can take it in my perspections that you are a too vocal person in handling ur own rs during an argument... All these are what we perceive but who are we to tell the person if he or she is wrong or right? Each of us have ur own beliefs on how one shld handle the similar thing, but doesn't mean that each of us will handle the same issue the same way....
 
Finger: Frankly, i think ur bf's explanation is not realli an explanation... but only u know what kinda of person he is. There are other ways to prevent ur "coldness"; just that I think you are afraid of a big argument and thus u chose to keep mum. However, does it reealli make any difference when both ways ended rather unhappily? In tat case, why not picked option A to speak ur mind? At least he understands what u are feeling exactly isn't it?
 
finger,

u dun need to see a shrink, but u certainly need to improve on ur communication skills and get rid of ur unnecessary pride. why cry over something so trivial? it is really tough to handle an emotional wreck, i rather go home and take a nap :P
 
Finger: I can understand how u r feeling now.... But pls do not see urself as being abnormal... U r only diff in the way u handle ur emotions...I hve read thru ur posts n understood that u n ur bf hav made efforts to get rid of this bad habit of hibernating whn u 2 r upset... But look deeper into the problem and u will realise that the root of all these problems might be something else... As what Iris says, it could be ur personality tat lead to the current sitaution u r in, or it cld just be that u do nt know hw to handle ur emotions whn u r upset... I believe whn u n ur bf do not quarel, u love every mintute of being w him ya? If thats the case, being adults, i believe u n ur bf shld really sit down and have a discussion... A in-depth discussion where everything n i do mean everything shld be poured out so u 2 cn solve the differences.. During this discussion, pls do not hold back... even if u r upset, emotional, say it out as those could be ur true feelings towards ur bf n vice-versa.... It might help the 2 of u to really understand each other... Well it worked for mi n my wife. : )

Iris: I might not understand where u r coming from, but i do agree with little woman that ur posts so far did not suggest solutions except that u asked finger to keep changing..... If that's who she is all along, y shld she change??? In a relationship, we do not seek to change our partners attitude or behaviour.. we seek to improve it... We do not expect our partners to behave according to what is acceptable by us, we expect to come to an understanding of hw each other thinks, behave... Iris, i do not know if u r attached or married, bt i believe u do understand this point ya???

By the way, we humans respond becoz we wan to speak our minds... we wan to let our feelings, thoughts be known... n of coz as adults, we do hav to think of the consequences before we speak.... we r no longer kids..... Words that come out of our mouth carries lots of weight.... Hope u understand that...
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If such behavior don’t equate to personality so what shall it be called then?

Is it a must to give suggestion for all posts? I re-read her posts many times before I penned down my comments. When I said communicate, it’s after the "hibernation" mode.

My questions from my initial post serve the purpose for one to think. I agree with you that “Each of us have ur own beliefs on how one shld handle the similar thing, but doesn't mean that each of us will handle the same issue the same wayâ€.

My method is not spoon feeding others with suggestions which may backfire any moments. Rather then giving her that pinch of salt, I make her think(if she understand my intention). If you have realised, she jolly well knows what went wrong. She is old enough to think. Now that to see how she curb her bad temper and being petty.
 
littlewoman and iris.. please cool down
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I really appreciate both your inputs and analysis!!

Talking about this hibernation personality of mine.. I behave in such a manner because of past experiences/external factors and what I witnessed in my married girl friend and parents.

Sometimes BIG quarrel can really be avoided when one party choose to step down, shut up and cool down. The step down party may not be the loser but is 'preserving', 'maintaining' peace. This is the first reason why I hibernate. Two heated people in a quarrel will surely end up badly wounded.. which can be verbally wounded or worse, physically wounded (which is what I see in my married friend and parents). Also, when a couple quarrel, both are losers. No winners. Which is why both my bf and I are very upset when such things happen.

Second reason why i hibernate is I feel that since nothing good will come out from my mouth. I might as well shut up. I am preserving respect for my bf and hence myself by not saying things which otherwise I would have said right out to attack and hurt him.

My problem starts when my bf starts behaving like me. Maybe I am taking too long to recover and pull myself out from hibernation despite his repeated attempts to talk normal stuffs.. ? Or he is losing patience with me ..? etc.. And i experience problem in getting out from my hibernation mode.
 
finger, i feel that this has to be sorted out before you guys talk abt marriage. You are definitely not adnormal, i feel that you keep quiet is to avoid an argument, whether in pubic or in private. If i'm not wrong, you are afraid of getting upset if an argument (or quarel) blows up, so u choose to keep quiet when you are upset .. i suspect the root cause is communication, ie. open and frank communication with each other about your thoughts, views, ideas, etc ..
 
BIG~ego - Well, if you choose to use the word "improve" to substitute "change for the better".

I understand your point. I don't expect my partner to behave what it is acceptable for me too.
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Iris: personality is something u gain over the yrs thru being in situations that u find urself in... It could be trait of hers, or that she just do not know hw to control her emotions.. it might not be her personality...

no one expects u to spoon feed us here, neither do we expect to be spoon fed... In fact its still a question if u do know enuff to spoon feed us.. But pls do understand that nto all ppl who post here r looking for solutions or asking others to post them questions so that they could understand themselves... In finger's case, i believe besides wanting to mend her relation ship w her bf, she is also finding out thru here, whether her behaviour is common...It might offer her some comfort to know that shes nt alone..

Like u said, shes old enuff to think, what makes u think that she will require ur questions to further understand her situation or personality??? Its a big insult to her intelligence... She might just be finding someone who cn be a listening ear to her problems n share some of our common scenarios like hers... . U did mention that finger jolly well knows what went wrong, so was it still neccessary to "help" her by posting some amazing questions which will help her understand herself??? Thats one interesting thought.....
 
True. Perhaps I overrated myself to post questions than giving suggestions like what you did. However to “make use of your sentence†again, “Each of us have ur own beliefs on how one shld handle the similar thing, but doesn't mean that each of us will handle the same issue the same wayâ€. I choose to ask instead of suggesting.

If you feel that by giving suggestion can comfort her in a way or other, by all means. I am not stopping you. Likewise, you can’t put a stop from questioning. And mind you, I am not insulting her intelligence. If by asking someone question is an insult, we can forget about going to school.

To add on - If you don't expect me to spoon feed, why do you expect suggestions from me then????
 
I don’t understand why you take it so hard. Just because I disagree to your post on “Posted on Thursday, February 18, 2010 - 12:05 pm:�?????
 
Iris: First of all, that is again ur belief and ur perspective, since when I am taking it hard? or should I say u are the one who mention "OMG", can i also take it in my perspective that u are taking it not easy as well?
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Frankly, forums is a open place where people express their opinions and hence why shld I disagree with any particular thing that you have said in one way or another? Could it again in my belief that you are being sensitive?

I doubt I had stopped you nor has a right to stop anyone from suggesting questions. But I suppose it is my choice that I rather preserve my intelligence by not responding to such questions.

Asking questions might not always be an insult... But it also depends on how are the questions being phrased and asked. If u mentioned that u realised TS does noe where her problem lies, y still ask her questions such as asking her to wake up or to look at herself to see the root of the problem?? Isn't she old enuff to see that there are problems btw her n her bf....? If she doesn't, why is there such a post in the first place?

To quote back what u had said: Spoon feeding suggestions is a no no but i guess spoon feeding questions is ok by u?????? *roll eye*
 
Yes. You may choose to preserve you intelligence by not responding. Your choice.

But when I read your post: "Posted on Thursday, February 18, 2010 - 5:33 pm:" it's indirectly telling me to stop asking "Non-intelligence" Qs.
Yes. It's again my very own perpective which I will admit.

Again , it's never my intention my insult TS. That is your perspective.

Why I cannot ask to make her admit to the root cause of it? When one is made to face the problems, he/she will learn to accept it and resolve it. I do not want to give suggestions like most did. I din't said it's wrong to do so. It's my intention to make her face it.

Life is never a bed of roses. We have to face the "sh!t" that is presented before us. Learn from mistakes and resolve them in positive ways and means. My perspective again.
 
finger,

i dun hv an exact fix for ur problem, but u might want to read this book...

"Schopenhauer's Porcupines: Dilemmas of Intimacy and the Talking Cure : Five Stories of Psychotherapy" by Deborah Luepnitz

NLB call number: 616.8914 LUE -[HEA]
http://catalogue.nlb.gov.sg/cgi-bin/cw_cgi?fullRecord+10695+3002+11829647+1+0

<u>Schopenhauer's Porcupines</u>
A number of porcupines huddled together for warmth on a cold day in winter; but, as they began to prick one another with their quills, they were obliged to disperse. However the cold drove them together again, when just the same thing happened. At last, after many turns of huddling and dispersing, they discovered that they would be best off by remaining at a little distance from one another. In the same way the need of society drives the human porcupines together, only to be mutually repelled by the many prickly and disagreeable qualities of their nature. The moderate distance which they at last discover to be the only tolerable condition of intercourse, is the code of politeness and fine manners; and those who transgress it are roughly told—in the English phrase—to keep their distance. By this arrangement the mutual need of warmth is only very moderately satisfied; but then people do not get pricked. A man who has some heat in himself prefers to remain outside, where he will neither prick other people nor get pricked himself.
 
<u>Finger</u>
Reading through your post. I really find that we are so alike in so many ways. So so many ways.

Like you, I used to behave this way. Like whenever I'm upset or whenever I'm not happy with a situation, I'll choose to clamp up, and keep silent, hoping the problem will go away and allow myself to cool down. Sometimes, when things really became so upsetting, I'll walk away. And despite my then boyfriend tried to talk things out with me, I still chose to remain quiet, and then.... walk away if necessary. Eventually, he'll choose to behave like me, and then, I'll get angry at him for behaving just like me!!!

As I grow up, I started to learn. You know, such behavior can be changed/improved? How a person behave, is the way he/she chose to behave. You have control over yourself, thus, you'll have the power to choose how you want to portray yourself. All you need to do, is to cross over the barrier that is inside yourself, and learn to speak up.

From how I see your boyfriend is behaving, he is just trying to let you have a taste of how it feels when a couple is in disagreement, and when one clamps up then walk away.... Think it over again and again... how does it feel?

I strongly see that your boyfriend is someone who wants to be able to sit down, and talk through the problem. Then, hopes to have the problem solved asap. Calmly. And not have to keep sitting there and guess what is going through your mind. It's so torturing.

I know that it feels fantastic that when I am sulking, or unhappy, it'll be so nice to have my loved one to come act clown and cheer me up. Or just hug me tight till I cool down and whisper sweet nothings back to him. But is my partner like that? Or will your boyfriend do that to you? If you really love him. Do something to yourself. You are making life miserable for both you and him. And very childish. I quote childish is when you chose to walk away from him and he drives off..... Why do you like to behave like that in public? Do you feel good?

Like I said, you have to cross the barrier in your heart, by yourself. You had thought that it is very you to clamp up and keep silent when arguments occur. However, I would advise, from now onwards, whenever an argument occurs, would you try to take a deep breath..... then... ask your boyfriend. Analyse what had happened between the both of you. Listen.... and when he ask you to speak up. Do it slowly. Choose words carefully. Say it slowly...... Don't be rash with words. Once words are spoken, it's impossible to take it back. Take note.

To resolve an argument, nobody will rush to you resolve the problem. You have all the time in the world. When you speak out what is bothering you, attempt to stop once in a while, and ask him. Do he agree with what you are saying? And if he do not agree, ask him for the reason why, and listen. This is, communication. Do not try to win all arguments. Do not assume anything. Nothing is concrete until you verify against each other.

Like I said, he is only mirroring you right now. You have only yourself now to make things better. Open up..... Speak. Don't close up anymore. This never is beneficial towards a relationship.

I am not good with words. I am better speaking to you.
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If you really need someone to talk to, do not hesitate to PM me. I'm most willing to help. I also hope that you and your boyfriend will both change and be more loving towards each other.

Finally, don't drama in public anymore. You both are miserable, others are looking. Even more are laughing..... Why create a free show for others to watch?!!!
 
Hi finger, I used to behave like you. Hibernating myself to prevent saying harsh words during quarrels. However, I've learnt that keeping quiet and ignoring our other half is not going to make things any better. It could worsen the situation even more.

Hence, I started to change my attitude whenever we have any unhappiness. We talked things out – amicably. I know sometimes it is hard to do so, but control is the key. Keep telling yourself you want to make things better and not worse. Talking things out really solves all the problems. It also strengthen the bond between you and other half. Once u talk things out during any unhappiness, u will realize lesser and lesser unhappiness occur. Cos your other half now understands your expectation and vice versa.

There is also another method to melt the ice when you have quarrels with your other half. This method is taught by a solemniser. Tell your other half that u love him. It works! It would stop any quarrels immediately.

Last time, my other half used to say he can’t tolerate my character cos I gave him a lot of attitude, black face etc. But now that I have changed, he felt we are a better couple whom work things out together to close the gaps. He proposed to me and we got married 5 months ago.

Hope this helps! jia you! =)
 


Iris: When an issue is apparent and/or clear to the person, the person doesn't need anyone to lay the issue time and time, again and again on the table before he or she is able to know what are the problems. Just like a cancer patient or someone who is suffering from a serious heart issues who may die anytime, we know that these illness are the root problems resulting in death, some people might choose to face it bravely by choosing to live the rest of their days to the fullest while some people might choose to live in despair... Can we say these people isn't facing the root of the problems? Do they realli need someone to constantly remind them of what is the root of the problems? Do they realli need questionings as in why shouldn't they look for other ways to help themselves etc? Again, this is my belief that these people are aware of what is happening, but just that they either need a listening ear or someone who can provide them with certain suggestions and encouragement...

junkie: it realli encourage one to think.... SHall look out for this book in bookstores too...
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