Disinterested/chronically distant other half?

[mgc]

Hi all.
I've always felt for most of my life that it is better to attend other weddings than actually have to preside over my own, personal reasons being the sole factor for this feeling. Well, through blood sweat and tears I found a partner who I know I want to spend the rest of my life with. Our wedding bands are being made to order and we are all set to get solemnised next year. We have decided over a number of reasons, counting distance and budget as the main ones, not to have a big celebration, and instead at most, a small and intimate dinner for 14 of our closest family and friends on the same date as the solemnisation. It would be a pretty much DIY affair, with details coming from our personal touches. However, I know my partner very well after all these years to be someone who's not particularly good with details and advanced planning, and in taking initiative. I feel that should I proceed with planning for a dinner reception given the limited budget, and take full charge of it, that the event would end up being what I want and not necessarily my partner's. I am actually willing to forgo the 'wedding of my dreams' and am fine with just the solemnisation. Thrice we've ended up arguing when I voiced my concerns and thrice I have said that I'd rather just have the solemnisation to avoid all the hassle and any disappointment. Already I am feeling irritated because so far, all the research has only been from my end. My partner has not given any self-initiated input and actually, not been very good with responses, eg. nonchalantly shooting down an idea without offering a better alternative. I know life isn't perfect and I feel there are some situations that can be forgone, and to me in this case, a wedding reception. I think my partner doesn't particularly care about it either, had I not mentioned it in the first place.

Any thoughts/advice/personal recounts of a similar if not identical situation?

 

[meimei1601]

I have the same situation as yours. My initial plan was not having a big banquet, but a little close friends/relatives and family dinner after solemnisation. However, he wanted a normal wedding banquet which require alot of preparation and money.

At the start, he said he will help up with the planning etc... but it end up with only me doing the job, from photographer, childhood montage, wedding songs, reception, time table, make up artist, wedding favor .... and I had to plan for honeymoon destination, wedding photoshoot etc.. and the stress i have been thru was hell. I skip lunch during work so i have time to research, straight after work, I will do my coordination and everything.... than sleep past midnight and so on and so for...

All he along he thinks that everything was well prepare and tell me he knows nothing. But everyone have limit on stress level. My only mistake is respecting his ideal and discuss issue with him. Becos everytime I discuss something with him, he will tell me "anything", "I dont know" "chin chai" This trigger my anger. If he can show a little concern over a wedding preparation and a wedding of "us" things wouldnt get so ugly now.

If he didnt said " lets do it together and make the wedding good" I would not have do all the things my own, I would have get a wedding planner.. just pay them and everything is done. The ordeal of preparing a wedding is hell. Like u mentioned, I didnt want to make it perfect.. becos nothing is perfect, but at the least, we must put in effort on the things we are doing. And if a wedding banquet is going to happen and guest will be invited. It is our responsibility to make sure our guest is well serve.

Anyway.. with all the preparation and stress I have been thru... it has gone to waste. He dont appreciate it and still accuse me of doing too much. And guess what? He call off the wedding and annul our marriage. He said he is very stress. He feel stress after I told him how much have not been done yet, and we only have 2 mths to prepare.

For my advise is, if your partner is like this, than dont bother to discuss, do it on ur own and just let him know this will happen as respect. Becos making him to make a decision will stress him. And he will give u shit which will irritates you and things wont work fine. Just let him know that this and that will happen. And if he show no concern, proceed. Its easier that way since you know your partner is like that.

I wish my partner can do everything without me bother.. seriously. If he do.. I react the same way... would only say "ok lor" and let him do all the things.

 

[miloice]

Meimei,
you wrote :
"For my advise is, if your partner is like this, than dont bother to discuss, do it on ur own and just let him know this will happen as respect. Becos making him to make a decision will stress him. And he will give u shit which will irritates you and things wont work fine. Just let him know that this and that will happen. And if he show no concern, proceed. Its easier that way since you know your partner is like that."

why would you do that? Do you think marriage preparation is the toughest thing that couple needs to manage? If you have a partner that will break up the marriage just because of the stress they get from preparing for it, its better to find out now then after the marriage.

 

[meimei1601]

miloice,

This happen and yes, he filed for annulment becos of that, its ridiculous I know but its true.. think back.. if I didnt do the dicussion with him and only tell him that this is what I am doing, he wont have this reaction, I wont have expectation and he wont feel stress.

I agree that marriage preparation is only a trivia matter and it shouldnt lead to break up and I did told him that too. marriage is more than just communicate or just loving each other, it takes hard work and both to make it happen. I have to face his family, his work stress and etc.. I gave him my support.. but becos of the preparation which he thought only have wardrobe to buy and thats it and the banquet should just run by itself. No.. the fact is, I am doing all the things while he told me he dont know or whatever.... And when my limit is reaching, I told him, I need his help as he promise and I need his little support and participation in the wedding becos its OUR wedding not mine... he began to feel stress already.

The next thing I know he was shouting at me... and than not happy and bring up all the past unhappiness we had before and settled as an excuse and file for annulment.

And I am glad to know it now and we are in the final stage waiting for court decision. And thanks god, I dont have a house nor kids to complicated the issue. To him, marriage is a joke, he cannot get stress, cannot be unhappy and once he had these he want divorce. When I try all my best to save my marriage, I was told by him that I am wasting his time. And predict our future wont be good and we will end up divorce and might as well end it now.

That is why I know some guys are not good with handling marriage even they said they are. Even they will be, they might be in some other way. Ladies tends to be more sensitive on details and therefore its good to discuss and work things together, but if he is like my ex than it jolly well let them know that we will handle all, he just need to enjoy.

 

[miloice]

MeiMei, the irony is when you don't involve, he might have other reactions. such as resenting you for making it an event for yourself, accusing you of being self-centered and princessy trying to fulfill your own fantasy wedding where he is only an extra.

There could be so many reactions and there is no way to anticipate and conclude you could avoid any conflict should you done otherwise. I don't quite understand your reply, on one hand agreeing that the marriage probably couldn't work and you guys will eventually end up in divorce, then it is a good thing to realize it early. Why would you suggest you could have avoided his reactions to the marriage preparations if you didn't involve him?

 

[mgc]

MeiMei, I can only imagine just how much of a predicament you're in right now.

I'm sorry to hear about your ongoing annulment, it does strike me as a bit odd that the stress from planning the wedding should lead up to that, but at the same time, you never know when people will reveal their true colours, or when they'll just buckle and show their worst sides at seemingly the worst timings possible. I feel that if after you and your man have talked things through thoroughly and concluded that the breakup is due to this wedding drama, and that you two are willing to accept that, then alright, by all means, start anew and find a man who makes your time and effort worthwhile.

At the same time, I know how wedding dramas can put a once-happy couple into a high state of distress because it's a whole new game babe! Blame it on the nerves and of dealing with a completely new 'playground' that you've never encountered before. I mean, I didn't start becoming aware of vendors and businesses related to weddings until we actually got down to serious planning. Of course it's a lot to deal with and to take in! And you shouldn't have to deal with it alone. Yet at the same time, I realise that there are some compromises that can be made. Honestly, most men don't give a hoot what colour the invitations should be, or if his grandma should be seated next to your funky cousin with the tattoos. I've realised that my man works by approving suggestions or not. It is obviously difficult for him to come up with alternatives when he hasn't been doing as much research as I have, so he relies on me to fill him in. Things have gotten better for us in terms of the planning, and I can attribute it to embracing the 'leadership' role I assigned myself, note that I said myself, because I didn't have to. It's the way I embrace it that determines how my man reacts, and so far, I've put in a bit more patience and effort in getting him involved and it's working. He's not the most creative person in the world, but he can be a hardworking person, especially when it comes to technicalities, so I'm putting him in charge of building or setting up certain things. As it is, we're doing a very personal, DIY wedding. I feel that element does somehow motivate him especially because I reminded him that we don't have a wedding planner or this or that. If you wanna cut costs, you gotta do the work. WEDDINGS TAKE WORK. Most people don't realise that.

 

[Hanjin]

Meimei, it looks like your guy is not ready for marriage. The wedding preparation stuff is just an excuse. In a way, it is better to break off now then make things more complicated when children and assets are involved.

Thinking about my own marriage 21 years ago (yes, my spouse and I will be celebrating our 21st wedding anniversary next month), there is no stress in the preparation. We had a simple church wedding. Other than booking the priest, organist and scripture reader and ordering a small tea reception, we did not have any other frills. No decorations in church. No choir. No bridal car. I took a taxi to church on my own, in a simple white dress I bought weeks earlier. There was no rehearsals. I remember I walked down the aisle on my own (my parents are no longer around) rather quickly and the organist was trying to time his wedding march to my pace! We had a simple photo-shoot. No change of costumes or gowns. It was over in 2 hours.

My mother-in-law wanted a Chinese banquet. We didn't like the idea but acceded to her request to please her because her eldest son disappointed her by refusing to hold a banquet. We only drew up the guest list for her but did not plan for the seating arrangement. So it was free seating for our guests. We left it to the hotel to provide an MC. We also did not prepare any slides or photo montage nor any gate-crashing stuff. I did not have any jie-meis. We also got a surprise when the hotel played a piece of cina music with neighing horses during the grand entrance. Up till this day, we still laugh over it.

Once the wedding is over, the hard work begins in your new life with your partner.

 

[Hanjin]

This is what marriage is like in the years to come, from my experience. It is a lot of hard work. Are both of you ready to stand by each other, 'in sickness and in health, till death do us part":

When health problems come, is your spouse ready to stand by you? I have early menopause and hearing loss in the last couple of years. Hubby was very understanding, in the midst of his busy work schedule (he is in the teaching profession and often stays up late to mark papers), he will drop everything and accompany for a walk when I was feeling extremely down, especially the constant ringing in my ears (tinnitus) that kept me awake at night. He was even willing to pay $7k for some unproven treatment to help me cope with my tinnitus, seeing how depressed I was. Fortunately, I was able to cope with my tinnitus after 4 months but I am extremely grateful to him for standing by me during the 4 months. He even gave up a school trip when I asked him to do so. On my part, my mother-in-law is getting on in years and she is getting more and more frail with each passing day. We used to have a lot of conflicts as we lived together for all the years of our marriage. But I do not put all these issues at heart now. Now I take her for her medical appointments when my hubby can't make it. We also make an effort to spend more time with her, especially on Sundays.

So yes, marriage is a lot of hard work. When you marry your spouse, you also marry his/her family. His/her problems will also become yours. In sickness and in health, till death do us part.