Devastated and Lost

Discussion in 'Matters Of The Heart' started by rip_curl, Feb 15, 2019.

  1. rip_curl

    rip_curl Member

    Does not matter if I feel I am the best husband or not but the fact is we all have a responsibility to play once we have kids like it or not. We cannot always put ourselves first as much as we like it. Abandoning the family for such selfish reason is itself something I cannot do it.

    I guess everyone has their own opinion and perspective. Alot of ppl are envious of us or I am envious of others. Our daily lives shaped who we are. Things simply get too comfortable.

  2. rip_curl

    rip_curl Member

    Dont read it literally. Its no easy feat maintaining a family and to most old folks, seeing how we started, of course they are proud of their own children's accomplishment. There could be other factors that could make them feel so proud of as well as to how far we have come. And for the fact I have put in so much effort maintaining this family, I obviously felt scared losing them cause my wife might just take the kids though she has done as much. Dont say I judge her, cause you dont know the facts
  3. newproject

    newproject Active Member

    Sorry bro but got to agree with this. But I guess is normal to feel a loss of face particularly if one has always been successful in life and envied by others.

    is a blow to ego to fail
  4. Eggwhite

    Eggwhite Member

    Prize ? What abt a trophy.
    I dont think TS has the intention to ever treat it as a prize.

    Is about being reponsible and committed in taking care on own family be it kids or even your parents.
    To what degree can you achieve ?
    To what degress can you maintain ?
    To what degree can you sacrifice ?
  5. maritalbliss

    maritalbliss New Member

    i. TS's intent - can only be inferred from his post. I do not know him personally to make an unqualified statement. Do you know him sufficiently?

    TS: "Am married for about 11 years with 2 beautiful kids in primary school. Everything is simply perfect really. Loving wife, good job ...... What am I going to face the other people like my parents who have always been proud of my beautiful and blissful family."

    ii. Degree of responsibility & commitment - only can be determined by those involved. Neither you nor I can judge if it's sufficient / adequate. Same applies to one's 'sacrifices & level of maintenance'.

    Evidently & apparently his missus has formed her own judgement.
    newproject likes this.
  6. Simple Life

    Simple Life New Member

    Hi, I experienced the same situation as you in Jan this year when my Wife told me the same thing. In Feb, I found out that she had committed an adultery with her married boss. She has begged for forgiveness to return to the marriage and since resigned from her job. It is likely that your Wife has strayed and if you still want to salvage the marriage, you have to find out who that bastard is. I have chosen to move on with my Wife despite her mistake because of my 2 yo Son.
  7. rip_curl

    rip_curl Member

    Did you actually hire a PI to check confirm your assumption? Did you actually have proof they had sexual activities?
  8. Simple Life

    Simple Life New Member

    Yes. I hire a PI. But PI only caught them intimate in the car.

    I hire a lawyer to issue a letter of demand requesting that bastard to write me a formal letter of apology for the adultery and professional indiscretion and got him to pay for my PI fees and legal fees. That bastard did and now I have proof to continue to haunt him for the rest of his life.
  9. rip_curl

    rip_curl Member

    I dont know how to advise you also. If you have chosen to forgive then you might want to forget everything and move on. I dont know how but for me I want to just quickly move on and no point finding out since outcome is the same. Just me...
    newproject likes this.
  10. newproject

    newproject Active Member

    when was that?
  11. newproject

    newproject Active Member

    I agree this guy isnt thinking straight .
  12. maritalbliss

    maritalbliss New Member

    It takes two to clap.

    What's there to apologize for? When two consenting adults decide to commit adultery?

    If I'm him, ... I'll ask you to keep your wife in check ... it's like your dog, by her own accord, strays outside your residence, .. seeks and find refuge elsewhere, ... you to call the cops on him (the other dude) for dog-napping.
  13. scarletpixie

    scarletpixie New Member

    How is everything going with your wife now?
  14. rip_curl

    rip_curl Member

    Believe it or not..after a solid 4 months, its still pretty much status quo though we are like strangers now at home. Talk minimally etc She is probably too busy traveling for work every all so often.
  15. maritalbliss

    maritalbliss New Member

    And you and/or her still clinging onto this marriage for ____?

    From what you said, there seem to be little effort, let alone progress.
  16. Gently Mellodious

    Gently Mellodious New Member

    Hi rip_curl bro,
    How are things?
    I thought long before deciding to reach out here. I face very similar issue right now. You can read more about my case in the thread 'Can I still salvage my marriage?'.

    I can totally relate to, and understand what you are feeling. Its almost identical to what I had. Just one fine day wife decided to drop the news, like a nuclear bomb that strike us where it hurts the most. And the whole world came collapsing down and things would never ever be the same again. And the emotional roller coaster begins right after that. And it seems to be never-ending..

    I need to be very careful with my words here. With reference to my own experience, I initially was quite sure there's no third party, or affair. But by a stroke of luck, I managed to peer into wife's whatsapp messages. Plus, connecting the dots in our daily life, I am highly certain of an affair going on.

    And it suddenly made sense to me. For a mother/wife, to decide to divorce with kid, and give up everything in the current family/relationship, it takes hell damn lot of guts. She may have been thinking about it for long, struggling with that thought. She may have been suffering in silence. But, usually they wont be so stone-hearted that there is absolutely zero chance of salvaging. the reason that my wife is so adamant, so logical, and 'considerate' in her proposal to D, is because there is another party pulling her away. it doesnt matter if it happens before or after she drop the news, but the third party simply plays a big role in her decision making.

    Well, this is my case. I thought knowing this, will make things easier for me. It did, briefly, for about half a day. and then reality sets in, another wave of emotions flooded my mind. And I am still at a loss right now.

    I am not saying your wife has affair. I am sharing my experience, and point to you that there could be this possibility. You are the only one who can find out the real reason. In this kind of issue, sometimes we can trust our intuition.

    I am still struggling to accept. the fact that we still living under the same roof, seeing her everyday, doesnt help. i still love her, want to care for and provide for her, but concurrently feeling the pain of being betrayed. Seeing my kid, while it makes me happy most of time, also reminds me of what her mother (ie my wife) does. Its excruciatingly painful.

    I want to share with you what I do to make myself feel better. I hope some of these may help you. Disclaimer, it will be damn damn freaking difficult to do some of these cos ur brain is constantly worrying and consumed by the issue. But you just have to try, and try, and keep trying. and slowly it will get better.

    1 - mindset/mentality. This is the hardest. I physchoed myself to accept that she is as good as gone. And come to terms that she is no longer my wife. this is so damn freaking difficult. but I consciously keep telling myself that. The reason is, then only I could behave cordially with her, in front of kid. And there is no acrimony. Just cordial, plain, functional conversations revolving around kid at home. then we can truly reach D terms and conditions in best interest for kid.

    2 - i kept all the photos, gifts, objects, that would remind me of our happy past. Cos it brings back memories, emotions, and maybe tears. Kept all of them, out of sight. When I thought about the past, I quickly forced another thought into my brain, to distract myself.

    3 - every morning, I looked into the mirror, and tell myself things will get better. There is better future ahead of me, I will find someone worthy of loving soon. I have my family, close friends, my kid, who love me and want the best for me. And whatever small positive things in life worth cherishing for. To try to lift my spirit. this seems stupid, and awkward. But it helps

    4 - I forced myself to take up new activities and meet old friends. picked up running again, go for fitness class, deliberately hang out with friends for dinner. keep my mind off the issue. Deliberately reduce time spent at home.

    5 - confided in few close friends. Share the problem with them. Shed tears, cried, complained, bitch about the issue. Formed whatsapp chatgroup w them to constantly keep in touch and offer support. Talk about anything, other matters to distract myself.

    6 - took a short break in nearby country with my brother. Or you can go alone, with a close friend, etc. I deliberately blanked my mind during the trip, and stop contacting wife for that few days. to regain my sanity.

    7 - with my brother's help, i started praying to God. I am not a christian. But my brother shared his experience of going through his life crisis and his experience turning to god and things improved, that persuaded me to start praying. Express gratitude, accept that things happen for a reason, and god arrange this path for us is actually the most suitable path. When we look back in future, things will be clear. This helped calm my mind.

    8 - i had a change in hairstyle. Gradually replacing my old clothes. upgrading my wardrobe. got a new bag. Basically sprucing up my personal image.

    Accepting takes time. Healing the mental wound takes time. When you are in a better mental state, then sit down with her for a sincere chat. Do not quarrel, argue. easier said than done I know. But we still have to try. One thing I learn from this is, to express emotions in a non-emotional way; and try to detach and elevate ourselves from these matters, as if we are talking about other parties. Its all in the mind. This may then help reduce fighting and create a more constructive conversation.

    I believe EggWhite bro has been in contact with you? Hope he gave you some good advice.

    Stay strong. No matter how bad the situation is right now, things will get better. Treat yourself better, for the kids. For your future self.

    Feel free to reach out if you need.
  17. rip_curl

    rip_curl Member

    Hey bro, Thks for reaching out. Yes I am in an identical plight like you. Time flies and it has been almost 6 months. I have filed for divorced against her recently amicably because of my kids. Yes we both went together. The lawyer told us both that in her 20 years of career, she has not seen such an amicable case. But well, all for the kids so I dont care if she is willing to do so. True that alot of things start to make sense eventually. No affair but does not mean there is no push factor ya. Anyways I dont want to dwell further cause really no point. "It's like that already. Once there is no feeling, its gone ya" It will only waste my time further with her. I managed to pick myself up all thks to very very strong support (count my blessing) from families, friends etc who devoted alot alot of their time to me even to now. It became part of their routine to meet me for coffee or beer now. Few months back, I drank beer to numb myself but now, I enjoy beer session because of my buddies. True friendships are hard to come by. I think I have not been so radiant for so many years. Yes I still get emo and tear because after all we are still human but really we deserved someone better. I rather focus on my kids and friends now who are there for me in my darkest moment.

    I am looking forward to my new life soon and I cant wait to move out to live myself. Things can only get better someday and at some point but we will get there. God is watching and we just can and need to do the best within our ability and and be responsible. Stay strong for ourselves ya bro!!! Let them be the one to regret....
    newproject likes this.
  18. Eggwhite

    Eggwhite Member

    All will be well.:)
    newproject likes this.
  19. rachel_fen

    rachel_fen New Member

    Hi Rip_Curl,

    Glad to read that you have moved on in grace. Make the rest of your life - the best of your life. Every day now is an opportunity :)
    rip_curl likes this.
  20. scarletpixie

    scarletpixie New Member

    I'm really happy for you Rip_Curl! Your new life starts again!

    Way to go!
    rip_curl likes this.
  21. Eggwhite

    Eggwhite Member

    Past these old milestones.... &
    Create new milestones...;)
    rip_curl and eileen85 like this.
  22. HeadTurner

    HeadTurner New Member

    I am a female, a wife. My ex-husband also told me that he does not love me anymore and he wanted out. Additionally, he emphasized that the decision was not due to any sort of infidelity and he has not cheated on me. He went on to tell everyone about why he wanted out - how bad I was. The puzzled family members approached me to offer some comfort and to understand a little bit more from my side. My family members have been urging me to dig the truth out from him (3rd party) while I stubbornly denied and trusted him 100% that he would never ever betray me. I thought he was just depressed, suffering from an early mid-life crisis. In the end, I found out that he really met someone online, chatted with her often, though they have not met up yet. Somehow, he seems to be deeply infatuated with her. I couldn't explain my hurt then when I found out. I feel like I have suffered the worst betrayal ever and to-date, my heart aches for myself.

    Coming from the viewpoint of a female, though there may be times when we feel so hurt and give up on a man, there is no way for us to give up on our children, if there is no third party involved. Hence, a penny for your thought but in anyway, congrats on your new lease of life. My reply may be late but I wish to share my side of story and to let you know that somewhere out there, someone has also gone through the same marriage crisis as you do.

    Good luck.
    Eggwhite and rip_curl like this.
  23. sad2009

    sad2009 New Member

    i really envy u people that finally got a closure! I'm trying my best but its not getting anywhere close to what i want! I'm filing for an uncontested divorce waiting for him to sign the papers. im so tired dealing with him! sometimes just feel like walking out of the house. But what will happen to my kids? its so hard so damn hard! I'm stuck forever! i deserved it! i truly deserved it... i wish I'm as brave as u... i cnt leave my kids behind i can't just walk out of the house i cant just do the things i wan.
  24. rip_curl

    rip_curl Member

    If you need help, better to talk to a counselor..or maybe you want to chat with someone? You need an outlet to vent then write it out here...
  25. sad2009

    sad2009 New Member

    I’m just waiting for him to sign the papers he keep delaying n refuse to sign! Just waiting for the right time to go lawyer n sign the papers! I will b alright just need more strength n time to heal! I need to stay strong for my kids! Must b positive! Sometimes just feel like shit! Positive thoughts stay positive! I kept telling myself! Sometimes it’s so hard!
  26. John Tan68

    John Tan68 New Member

    Hi Bro, I’m in the same situation as you. Divorced 4 years ago. Both me and my ex are high income earners, big car, nice house etc etc but out of the blue, she just said want to leave. No 3rd party, did whatever I can to save the marriage, professional counseling, church counseling etc.. Things just couldn’t work out. When a woman decided, difficult to change her. My piece of advice to you:- if you try whatever you can and can’t save it, let go. You have done enough.
    Don’t let emotion overwhelm you. It is time that you plan how to move forward. Maintain a cordial relationship, amicable divorce.
    Fast forward, me and my ex still in good talking terms. One thing I hate most is festive season, CNY, Xmas, bday etc.. my parents are old and very traditional, esp my mom, dementia and only recognize my ex as her daughter in law, they don’t know my thing and I doubt they can take this blow... so I have to ask my ex to put up a good show. So far so good. Sad right? But that’s life.
    rip_curl likes this.
  27. rip_curl

    rip_curl Member

    Thks bro for the encouragement. Totally agree.. BUT I have my reservation about my ex about why she wanted out but anyway its all over. I just want to move on asap. :) Let karma do its work.

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