Deeply hurt by someone I love wholeheartedly

C

chua0267

New Member
I have no one to turn to, hence writing my problems here. Hopefully I can see some lights to it. These few weeks I have been feeling very down and hurt and having negative thoughts. My hubby told me he no longer love me just three weeks after our wedding. It is so sudden that I am not able to accept it. We have been together for more than a decade. I thought that our r/s is stable and strong. We have been through ups and downs but to me most of them are happy memories.

I am too in love with him. I am so happy on my wedding day, thinking that a new journey has just began. Our parents, relatives and friends are very happy to see us finally wed. The vows we made are still so fresh. One day he told me the truth, he say he got no feelings for me few years back and everything was a show. He no longer holds my hands, no longer hugs me to sleep and everything I do he will be pissed off. I tired my best not to break down in front of him, and whenever I did he jus can't stand it. He thinks I wan sympathy. I dunno why the sudden change in him. He feel very stress up about this and I feel that I need to free him to make him happy. But I can't bear to. Isn't marriage a lifelong commitment and promises made to each other? Why is he taking it so lightly and doesn't care abt how I feel? And wat abt the happy moments we spent tog?

Each time I think of letting go, my heart hurts a lot. I feel like I am having depression. Memories of us tog keep creeping in, I can't stand it. When I see happy couples, tears juz flows from my eyes. We were once happy, enjoyed each other company, making fun of each other. We have seen each other grown from a teenager to a working adults. Gg through so much tog, how m I gg to let go.looking at the wedding photos makes and decos at hm, makes me feel worse. I still need to put on a smile wen I m at wrk. It is not easy for me. I dun wish to annul our wedding. What can I do to salvage this wedding? I am very lost. I am not sure if he feels guilty or he is juz not ready for the wedding. Please advise me. What should I do. Currently we are not seeing each other to cool down.
 


Dear Chua,

You are not alone. It's a tragedy that this has to happen to you but I would like to assure you that it is not the end of the world. Why not open yourself up to family and your close friend, it will help I can assure you. When our happiness is being pegged to another person, we are setting ourselves to alot of disappointment and hurt. Yes marriage is supposed to a lifelong commitment, but we have to be realistic as there are very few who truly work at it. Just take a look at what is going on, almost everything looks good on the surface, everyone just want to have a good time. Marriage takes a lot of effort, a lot of compromise, but not to the point that you are being trampled and walked all over.

As for your husband, let him be for now. There is no point in getting yourself all upset of the things that you don't know. If he says he is unhappy with you, so be it. You are responsible for your own happiness. So open up yourself, spend this time with your family or close friends. Take up a hobby or something. Whatever it is, just don't spend anymore time wallowing in your own self pity or have depressive thoughts, it won't do you any good.

Wounds hurt, but they do heal. It will take time, but you will get there.

Be strong girl. You can do it. :)
 
Me too have been unhappy for few weeks. I am glad that there are friends out there sharing their views.
I guess this is so called "marriage life".
Many friends advise to move on and it is not easy. We just have to move step by step.
Wife is always more faithful as will love the man forever.
Love is very beautiful and can be painful at times.
 
Yes I feel u. the more u treat them well the more they take things for granted. men find love for sex but women have sex to be loved. I believe there are nice guys out there. just happened that we are unlucky. as u mentioned, just gonna move on slowly. It is not easy, but it is not wise to cling on to someone who dun deserve our love. I suddenly woke up from my dream. yes there are good memories. But I needa be strong for my parents and those who care for me. lets b strong tog;)
 
Some couples do not take marriage seriously and there are some take their life when marriage failed.

Sometimes I wish that I was still single as hubby is always working and son is always out.
My home is not complete and always ask myself why stay in a 3 storey house as it is always empty.

My only wish is that hubby can work 9 - 5 and have a balance life but he loves working.
He has promised me that he will retire early and spend the rest of his life with me.
Who knows what will happen?
 
I am sorry to hear what you ladies have to go through..

@chua0267 , have you spoken to your hubby as to why he claimed he no longer loved you and why he proceeded on with the "show" wedding even when he supposedly doesn't love you anymore? I think it's strange that he would want to continue with the wedding when he can easily just ask for the whole thing to be cancelled and that he can be "freed" to be alone by himself or get into another relationship? Could it be that he has some other problems that he's reluctant to share with you and hence he's just saying all these things as some form of a coping or defence mechanism? Maybe try to get him to be open with you and maybe you both may want to consider seeing a marriage counselor together as that may help too..

@Makiyo+sad , what kind of job does your hubby do? Is there a chance that he can bring some of his work back home to do since that will satisfy his love for his work but at the same time still get to be physically together with you at home? I know it can be a really lonely situation at home when both your hubby and son are not around.. It's common during such times to spend time ruminating about it. Rather than doing that and getting sadder each time you think about it, how about if you spend those times to meet up / socialize with your own friends? Or how about engaging yourself in a new hobby or take up a particular class or activity that interests you? Hopefully that will give your mind a bit of rest and refreshment as well..
 
Hubby is the Head of 5 star hotel and it is impossible for him to work from home as he has to physically overseeing all the outlets.
His work is overloaded and everyday is stressful as meetings meetings & meetings.....
I wish he could bring home "the whole building" No way lor haha.....

I am a homely person and spend all my time with my pet as I feel it is not fair to leave my pet home alone.

Everyday I will carry my pet walking from 1st to 2nd and 3rd storey of my house and having coffee at the roof top.
Mostly spending my time at home - packing of my stuff, bathing my pet & walking my pet around the estate.
 
Makiyo+sad said:
Hubby is the Head of 5 star hotel and it is impossible for him to work from home as he has to physically overseeing all the outlets.
His work is overloaded and everyday is stressful as meetings meetings & meetings.....
I wish he could bring home "the whole building" No way lor haha.....

I am a homely person and spend all my time with my pet as I feel it is not fair to leave my pet home alone.

Everyday I will carry my pet walking from 1st to 2nd and 3rd storey of my house and having coffee at the roof top.
Mostly spending my time at home - packing of my stuff, bathing my pet & walking my pet around the estate.
Click to expand...
how about getting some activities that you can do at home? like opening/having baking lessons at home, learning yoga etc.
 
Good suggestions but I don't have the mood for classes. Whenever I get upset I would drive out with my pet to the nearby beach.
Hubby keeps me busy with home entertainment which I have enough and get tired now.
When I was a working professional I was too busy and didn't feel so lonely until I quit my job few years ago.
What I wish is just a hubby that can be home before 8pm for dinner and this what most wife will ask for I believe.
My dad is a biz man and he travels frequently. My mum has many tai tai friends keeping her busy. I don't have siblings.
I am not a materialistic person. Hubby said it is his duty to support for the family and therefore has to work hard.
Many married couple have their own problems and I have shared mine that hubby is always working from morning to midnight. Hubby promised to come home early and hope he could keep his promise.

As for Ms. Chua's case, why her hubby can marry her and three weeks later telling her no longer loving her?
It is extremely painful and I would feel that I lost everything.
Whether married or during courtship, love is always beautiful but painful at times.
This is what we called life I believe.
 
Makiyo+sad said:
Good suggestions but I don't have the mood for classes. Whenever I get upset I would drive out with my pet to the nearby beach.
Hubby keeps me busy with home entertainment which I have enough and get tired now.
When I was a working professional I was too busy and didn't feel so lonely until I quit my job few years ago.
What I wish is just a hubby that can be home before 8pm for dinner and this what most wife will ask for I believe.
My dad is a biz man and he travels frequently. My mum has many tai tai friends keeping her busy. I don't have siblings.
I am not a materialistic person. Hubby said it is his duty to support for the family and therefore has to work hard.
Many married couple have their own problems and I have shared mine that hubby is always working from morning to midnight. Hubby promised to come home early and hope he could keep his promise.

As for Ms. Chua's case, why her hubby can marry her and three weeks later telling her no longer loving her?
It is extremely painful and I would feel that I lost everything.
Whether married or during courtship, love is always beautiful but painful at times.
This is what we called life I believe.
Click to expand...

Correct me if I'm wrong but it seems to me that you're quite attached to your pet, which can be a good thing.. I know you don't want to leave your pet at home alone but how about bringing it out with you too? Rather than just the occasional solitary walk around the estate or drive to the beach (where you're still in a way "alone" except just plus your pet, hence will still be subject to loneliness and time for rumination), how about bringing out your pet and meeting your friends? Or you can perhaps join forums where pet lovers gather and then maybe make new friends and have outings where you can all meet and bring your pets along for play dates.. Just some suggestions.. ;) And yes, love can be painful at times but what matters is how we cope with those painful moments and how we can then look back at those painful moments and cherish the love that we have and know that it's made stronger because of those painful moments that we've endured through...
 
I am a pet lover too. But my dog is getting old and weak. Feel so upset seeing my dog becoming weak. Dogs dun betray us And remains faithful to us.

I did ask my hubby y he dun love me suddenly cuz I m really shocked myself. he say tt he juz dun haf feeling for me anymore and he has tried his best to love me for the past few years. He thot tt after the wedding it will b better. But after the wedding he feel worse and feel tt he cn no longer lie to me. He mentioned tt there is nothing wrong wif me. I have been giving him all e freedom tt he wan. he is v secretive. meassaging in e middle of the night. N wen we r overseas he dun like to take pic tog. He will take selfie instead. I got a gut feel tt it is nt tt simple. Mayb he is doing something wrong n dun wanna hurt me further. Cuz I have been v nice to him. Mayb too nice. He will looks at women wen we r out. He say its normal. So I really dunno wat is e real reason behind all this. Or prob he wed me for his parents sake. He dun wan to let them down. He has been v unfair to me. Nv did he think abt hw I feel.
 
Everyone has their fair of sorrows and happiness in a marriage.
My apology to Makiyo+sad. "Wife is always more faithful as will love the man forever." I don't seen to agree with this statement.
I thought I was happily married for 10 years with a supportive wife until I received a call. I was told that my wife has committed an adultery with my friend and wanted me to find out more.
Without much hesitation, I went and they were caught red-handed.
I worked hard and hope I can give her a better life but what do I deserve at the end...... A tragic ending..........
I seek for a return but was turn-down as she insisted she rather be a lover.... that friend of mine is married...........
I landed myself at home for 2 entire months with beers and beers................
I don't know what is day and night.
Moreover, my flat has not reached MOP but I managed to retrieve it back under single scheme. With financial return to the bank, I landed myself in cardiac arrest (suspected anxiety attack).
But I am always grateful to my friends who never failed to give me encouragement and my boss.......

There are always ups and downs in life and I believe we can stand up strong if we choose to let go.
Makiyo+sad, engage yourself in more activities and friends who you can talk to......... (I choosed a course to pursue which I never thought I will).
Do not keep it in yourself............
Be strong and I believe you will can do it.................
 
I understand how u feel. I think u muz b feeling v terrible at tt time. I feel like dying at times and feel tt no purpose in life. Looking at the love letters and pictures we took tog made me feel v terrible.

ur wife will regret givibg up a gd hubby like u. how did u manage to overcome all this?
 
Wife committed an adultery as she does not love her hubby very much. I believe it takes 2 to tango.
I do have male friends ask me out but I turn them down as I do not want to get myself in trouble.
Hubby is working so hard to give me better life and I could not bring myself to betray him.
Why your wife committed an adultery with your friend? You neglected her?

I have no siblings except a God sister as called "sister" to me.
I am learning to be independent.
 
jkwedding308 said:
Correct me if I'm wrong but it seems to me that you're quite attached to your pet, which can be a good thing.. I know you don't want to leave your pet at home alone but how about bringing it out with you too? Rather than just the occasional solitary walk around the estate or drive to the beach (where you're still in a way "alone" except just plus your pet, hence will still be subject to loneliness and time for rumination), how about bringing out your pet and meeting your friends? Or you can perhaps join forums where pet lovers gather and then maybe make new friends and have outings where you can all meet and bring your pets along for play dates.. Just some suggestions.. ;) And yes, love can be painful at times but what matters is how we cope with those painful moments and how we can then look back at those painful moments and cherish the love that we have and know that it's made stronger because of those painful moments that we've endured through...
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I have a Golden Retriever and she is so adorable :) We are very attached and she shares the bed with me & hubby. She will squeeze in between when my hubby hugs me, fortunately hubby is very understanding and forgive. I wish to bring her to all places but no pets allowed to most places except pet cafe. Most of my friends dislike pets and find them irritating therefore I never join them. I don't like crowded places and prefer to go to quiet places.
 
chua0267 said:
I understand how u feel. I think u muz b feeling v terrible at tt time. I feel like dying at times and feel tt no purpose in life. Looking at the love letters and pictures we took tog made me feel v terrible.
Click to expand...

Feel like dying when we extremely upset over marriage problem but not many will have the courage as it is painful to die.
I will speak up and find out why. Worst to worst have to accept that hubby has changed and we have to go different ways.
The journey is painful but do we have a choice?
 
Makiyo+sad said:
I have a Golden Retriever and she is so adorable :) We are very attached and she shares the bed with me & hubby. She will squeeze in between when my hubby hugs me, fortunately hubby is very understanding and forgive. I wish to bring her to all places but no pets allowed to most places except pet cafe. Most of my friends dislike pets and find them irritating therefore I never join them. I don't like crowded places and prefer to go to quiet places.
Click to expand...

I see.. Maybe try my earlier suggestion of joining a pet lovers forum and arranging meet-ups and play dates? ;)
 
Makiyo+sad said:
Feel like dying when we extremely upset over marriage problem but not many will have the courage as it is painful to die.
I will speak up and find out why. Worst to worst have to accept that hubby has changed and we have to go different ways.
The journey is painful but do we have a choice?
Click to expand...

It's common for people to think it takes courage to end one's life but it actually takes more courage to continue living on.. Because the pain of death ends when one's life is over but choosing to keep living means that they're potentially subject to more unpredictable pain and suffering.. We may not have a choice per se but there are still many other things that we can still actively decide and make a choice.. So choose to live life the best you can and know that you're not alone..
 
Makiyo and jkwedding thanks to u both....u can open your own thread to talk all you want and pls dont hijack TS post
 
ooosh said:
Makiyo and jkwedding thanks to u both....u can open your own thread to talk all you want and pls dont hijack TS post
Click to expand...

Whoa! Someone's a lil touchy.. Sorry if it seems like we're hijacking this thread but if you scroll all the way up, I wasn't merely just conversing with Makiyo alone but I was also addressing TS' issues.. Plus some of TS' issues are similar to Makiyo's so by replying to Makiyo's messages, hopefully it may also provide some insight for TS as well.. Hopefully you can see that for yourself when you read through all the posts and compare and analyze the messages.. Have a good weekend! ;)

Ps. Instead of just highlighting that we've been "hijacking" this thread, maybe you can also consider contributing an input or two for TS herself? That would have been more constructive.. ;)
 
Makiyo+sad said:
Some couples do not take marriage seriously and there are some take their life when marriage failed.

Sometimes I wish that I was still single as hubby is always working and son is always out.
My home is not complete and always ask myself why stay in a 3 storey house as it is always empty.

My only wish is that hubby can work 9 - 5 and have a balance life but he loves working.
He has promised me that he will retire early and spend the rest of his life with me.
Who knows what will happen?
Click to expand...

I will feel terrible if I was living in your shoes... That's why I always demand family time. I suppose it helps to start when your kids are young so it becomes a core part of your family culture to spend time together at least once a week!

If my hubby works like crazy until he's 70 and doesn't spend enough time with me and my kids for so many years, the marriage might not even last long enough to enjoy his retirement.

It's not that I want to be demanding, but we can't spend our whole lives just waiting to be happy only when we've retired. The journey we take on the way to that happiness, everyday, counts too!
 
I dun think you are hijacking this thread. Feel comfort that someone actually gif me advise and also listening to my issue. Past few days are terrible hence didn't reply. I have issue with my work, my dog is sick and relationship issue. Really stress out.
 
We should hold on to our marriage and try all ways to win hubby's back. I believe if hubby does not have an affair, our effort will be paid off.
My hubby is always a loving person except he is a workaholic which he is willing to give up his job now.

Ask your hubby why he is no longer loving you. Have you neglected him or he has found a new love?

I came across a young couple that married for few months and the wife asked for divorce. She felt her hubby was too busy working and had neglected her.
She would go clubbing with friends and feel that her life is happier to be single rather than married.
Initially her hubby refused to let go the marriage but later he agreed as he had found a new love and got married immediately after divorce. The wife is pregnant now.
 
chua0267 said:
I dun think you are hijacking this thread. Feel comfort that someone actually gif me advise and also listening to my issue. Past few days are terrible hence didn't reply. I have issue with my work, my dog is sick and relationship issue. Really stress out.
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I'm so sorry to hear that.. Your relationship with your hubby is currently a major stressor and now you have issues at work and with your pet as well - it's not easy, I know.. It always helps to talk to someone in such situations. Have you got any close friends who may be mutual friends with your hubby as well? Maybe can consider sharing with that friend the current issue with your relationship and perhaps your friend can bring in an outsider's perspective into the picture? This may help shed some light on the issues at hand that you may have possibly overlooked before this. Also, have you tried asking hubby to seek counselling with you as I've previously suggested? I think it may be helpful as it will enable both of you to openly share out each other's perspectives in front of someone who you need not fear will judge you and both of you can get an even more unbiased view on what's actually happening as well as receive feedback on the active steps you can take to perhaps save your marriage..
 
chua0267 said:
I dun think you are hijacking this thread. Feel comfort that someone actually gif me advise and also listening to my issue. Past few days are terrible hence didn't reply. I have issue with my work, my dog is sick and relationship issue. Really stress out.
Click to expand...

Hi Ms Chua, how are you coping? May I know what has happened to your dog and any improvement?
 
Hi all. Thanks for your concern. still not coping well:( I have tried my best not to think about my relationship. But it is really hard. I have tried to meet up with friends to forget about him. It is not easy. we have not meet each other yet. my dog have heart diease and he is having stroke. Very sad to see him so weak and not able to walk. This year isnt a gd year for me. Alot of problems
 
wound is still raw. Hang on, deal with it, this way, with time, it will improve. The more you bury and hide from it, you will always be haunted by the emotions. Always easy to advise hard to go through but everyone that went through the tough patches in life will agree the principle is consistent. We have to go through it. No one can do it for you. TAKE CARE !
 
chua0267 said:
Hi all. Thanks for your concern. still not coping well:( I have tried my best not to think about my relationship. But it is really hard. I have tried to meet up with friends to forget about him. It is not easy. we have not meet each other yet. my dog have heart diease and he is having stroke. Very sad to see him so weak and not able to walk. This year isnt a gd year for me. Alot of problems
Click to expand...

I know it is not easy to let go hubby and same goes to me. My parents always tell me is our life.

My late collie also had heart problem (known as heart murmur). You can ask the vet for the medicine. In order to keep my dog stable I fed her the medicine daily.
Few years ago it was S$2 each and not sure what is the price now. My dog passed on at the age of 15.
 
chua0267 said:
Hi all. Thanks for your concern. still not coping well:( I have tried my best not to think about my relationship. But it is really hard. I have tried to meet up with friends to forget about him. It is not easy. we have not meet each other yet. my dog have heart diease and he is having stroke. Very sad to see him so weak and not able to walk. This year isnt a gd year for me. Alot of problems
Click to expand...

Persevere on even when it's tough.. Rather than still not meeting each other, you should start to face one another and talk through your issues together.. Get the aid of a marriage counsellor if you can as that can potentially help too..
 
@Makiyo+sad yup. My dog also has heart murmur in addition of liver disease and stroke. Now he is on medication. Very worried for my dog. He is also my everything. What is the name of the medication your dog took?
@jkwedding308 thanks for your advice. I did asked him before but he is not keen. I also feel that right now we are not facing this issue and solving together. But I think he needs time to think of what he wants. I can only follow his decision. Loving someone more can be a disadvantage. the one who love more always is e one hu is gg to sacrifice. Those happy moments gonna stay wif me forever. at least we have been together before. really hope that we can turn back time and be happy again.
 
Hi Ms Chua, sorry I forgotten the name of the medicines. I know is light brown in colour and is long term medication. I believe your vet prescribed the medicine for heart murmur and you may check with the vet.

My hubby's work life is killing our marriage whereas yours is hubby is no longer loving you.
Everyone has their story to share.
 
chua0267 said:
@Makiyo+sad yup. My dog also has heart murmur in addition of liver disease and stroke. Now he is on medication. Very worried for my dog. He is also my everything. What is the name of the medication your dog took?
@jkwedding308 thanks for your advice. I did asked him before but he is not keen. I also feel that right now we are not facing this issue and solving together. But I think he needs time to think of what he wants. I can only follow his decision. Loving someone more can be a disadvantage. the one who love more always is e one hu is gg to sacrifice. Those happy moments gonna stay wif me forever. at least we have been together before. really hope that we can turn back time and be happy again.
Click to expand...

It takes two hands to clap. As his wife, you have a say in the final decision too so don't gear yourself to think that you can only follow his decision. Yes, he may need time to think but don't let him get away using such an excuse all the time. It wouldn't be fair for you. Whether things turn out for the better or worse, both of you will need a firm closure to the whole matter...
 
Dear Chua,
I'm very sorry for what you have faced. There's nothing wrong with loving someone deeply. It's just that sometimes life is like that. When you love someone, someone may not love you or as deeply.
From what you said, I can tell for sure that your husband has already got someone else. He has already loved someone else. May be the other person is also married. Such that he didn't break off with you and marry her. Or may be he didn't know how to face up with his family and your family.
I would say, don't continue to torture yourself. It's very torturing to be with someone whom you know doesn't love you anymore, and who doesn't treat you with love. He is at fault. He didn't come clean with you way before marriage. May be because he knows that you deeply love him and he worried about hurting you, but he didn't know that more hurt is going to caused if this is continued.
What I want to say is, love yourself more. Go for an annulment. Give yourself another chance to find someone who will love you and treasure you. Don't let others to degrade you or rob you from you happiness. Life is more than that, you have only one life, and may be another 30 or 40 years to go. Don't waste your remaining years suffering and being unhappy. Let him go now, then may be also there is a chance that he will realised that you are good. People are like that... When they have something in hand, they won't appreciate it. Let him go, if he comes back to you, you know he's yours. If he doesn't then it means he is not yours. And you will definitely find someone who will truly loves you. Trust this saying.


Using SingaporeBrides app
 
@sadman2009 yup. I know that he no longer love me. I can't bear to leave him but I know I have to. I have told him that I am ready for annulment even though I m nt really ready. Cuz I know he will be very unhappy to be with me and there is no point dragging. I have tried really hard to be strong in front of him. When u truly love someone you will wan him to be happy and wish him all the best. I will make one last scarification for him and hope he can be happy and focus on what he is doing now. I also have the feeling the he has someone in mind. It is always the case when someone wan to leave u out of a sudden. Yup, he dun appreciate my love for him and how nice it is to be loved. It is always happier to be loved than to love someone. So I guess I needs let go and move on. Even if i can't find someone I love in future, I still have my parents. Love is too complicated and I am afraid to fall in love again.
 
Makiyo+sad said:
Feel like dying when we extremely upset over marriage problem but not many will have the courage as it is painful to die.
I will speak up and find out why. Worst to worst have to accept that hubby has changed and we have to go different ways.
The journey is painful but do we have a choice?
Click to expand...

You don't need alot of courage to end it all, people all have weaknesses and it is when they snap that it could happen. This can happen to ANYONE. Life is very fragile, when depressed, we will feel so suffocating and helpless that the only way we see is through death. The line is really thin, the moment we snap out of it, we will realize how close we could be to death. It has nothing to do with courage, just the state of mind one is in.
 
chua0267 said:
@sadman2009 yup. I know that he no longer love me. I can't bear to leave him but I know I have to. I have told him that I am ready for annulment even though I m nt really ready. Cuz I know he will be very unhappy to be with me and there is no point dragging. I have tried really hard to be strong in front of him. When u truly love someone you will wan him to be happy and wish him all the best. I will make one last scarification for him and hope he can be happy and focus on what he is doing now. I also have the feeling the he has someone in mind. It is always the case when someone wan to leave u out of a sudden. Yup, he dun appreciate my love for him and how nice it is to be loved. It is always happier to be loved than to love someone. So I guess I needs let go and move on. Even if i can't find someone I love in future, I still have my parents. Love is too complicated and I am afraid to fall in love again.
Click to expand...

Do it for yourself. It is damn hard but time will heal the wounds when you allow it to. It will. The light is at the end of the tunnel as long as you are taking steps in the right direction, no matter how small and insignificant each micro step is.
 
look on the bright side, at least you can get out of it early instead of going through years of torture, pain, lies and manipulation. and great that no children yet, otherwise it will be worse.

i know of divorcees who were denied opportunities to see their children, and had to go through many years of pain. it could have been worse.

move on and find a better man.
 
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