Deciding if I should proceed with a divorce

Big Bad Wolf

New Member
Hi,
I am 31 years old, currently married for 2 years with a wife same age as me. We have a just-born 3 month old son whom i love dearly. Recently, I have been pondering on the decision on if I should divorce her. Too many arguments and too many bad points that I see in her. I know, she's the one whom i chose to marry in the first place. I thought I could change her. But turns out she's now more repulsive whenever I try anything.

It all started, even when we were dating. She's the type of woman who only sees how to get by day by day, does not think about the future, and does not have any savings AT ALL. Hence, I was the one who paid for our house, our marriage, and the hospital fees for the birth of our son. She has the mindset that its the man who should be providing. Yes, a man should be providing, but I work hard late into the night, almost missing meals everyday just to make ends meet. Her on the other hand, she just job hops, and always taking mc just to sleep at home, not informing me at all, and just slacking at home the whole day. During her pregnancy, when I told her its best to have a job so as to cover some expenses for at at least the first few months, she refused, and even got her family to scold me. I understand its difficult for a woman carrying a baby in her womb to be moving around, but I did find her an admin job, which she turned down without considering. I didn't mind providing more in the first place, its just I can't live with someone, who is contributing NOTHING. The reason for me suggesting her to find a job is to help fund the medical expenses which was coming up.

I'm a fan of the all important give and take in a marriage. I give in my own ways, without expecting any in return, like working hard to cover all expenses, and trying to help out with housework whenever I can. But she on the other hand, only believe on receiving. Yes she does cook, maybe once every 2 weeks or so, but she would demand that I wash the dishes whenever she cooked, while on the other hand I would buy food back for her everyday without fail. This only shows she would only do minimum for me, and I have yet to see her put in maximum effort in anything she does. Housework for another example, she would just complain and scold me if I did not help out, even when I had a tiring day at work. This would often lead to endless quarrelling. Here comes the best part. After almost every quarrel, she would just give up totally on our marriage, calling for divorce and moving back to her mums place. She has been treating this marriage as a game, as she wasn't the one paying anything. And i feel her mum has also coaxed her so much, to the extent that she could just abandon me anytime and move back home, without any worries. This time around, its worse, with her moving back with our son, leaving me all alone in the house for almost 3 months now.

I really don't see myself living with her in the near future, as I don't think i can stand such a selfish person, one who doesn't understand the meaning of give and take, and one who only cares about herself. I admit I was wrong to be giving her everything she wanted from the start, hence making her believe i was going to do that throughout, but I just can't believe how someone can just keep receiving without ever trying to contribute anything. I am also afraid that if i file for divorce, my house would be gone since I am not 35 years old yet. Please help.
 


wluyan

Member
this sort of decision shld be made before having kids. your kid is still very young, think carefully. in all divorce, kids are the ones who suffer.

anyway, why did you marry her when you already knew what type of person she is before marriage?

Love isnt about changing a person, its abt accepting the way he/she is.

would u like to try marriage counselling?
 

life_is

Active Member
Firstly, bad decision to marry her. Done deal, with baby born now.

Secondly, her mother shouldn't even allow her back when you two quarrel. That is horrible and unacceptable as in laws. Will never respect such people as they encourage selfish and atrocious behaviour. Based on standards from previous generations, such an in law is simply bad, as the good ones would never allow their child to move back whenever the couples quarrel, as such behaviour should never be encouraged, and in laws would be seen as interfering and giving their children poor upbringing.

Thirdly, don't be hasty to divorce. Have a word with her and suggest domestic helper or nanny. Seen many pregnant women and can appreciate the difficulties they face, much as I hate my ex wife for behaviour very similar to yours. First child, at this stage is very stressful for every couple, and it is important to cooperate as a couple, not do it things such as move in with mother. Childish behaviour.

Lastly, ask her if this marriage is more important to her than herself. If a couple cannot work as a team to overcome obstacles, don't waste time and ask her to marry her mother instead. If divorce is really going to happen, you need to ensure that the child does not stay with her now, by hook or by crook. That is a common loophole that decides who the child stays with. No one can interfere, not even the police at this point, so whoever has the child gets the child, and even if the party with the child abuses the child, the police won't help.
 

Big Bad Wolf

New Member
Thank you both for your reply. I just feel I can't really live with someone who only cares about herself instead of a family as a whole. I feel she is dragging me down right from the start. She is withholding me from meeting friends, whom are potential business partners in the future. She is even restricting me from playing soccer or even hanging out with anyone, and gets really pissed off when i invite my friends over.
We've talked about hiring a helper before, but i felt it was really unnessacary as she isn't working at all. Why can't she handle the chores while i'm away working? Its not like I'm not helping when i'm back.
We can never work as a team, as our views are totally different, hence the why did you marry her in the first place? All in all, I don't see myself living with this woman in the next 30 years or more...
 

wluyan

Member
Thank you both for your reply. I just feel I can't really live with someone who only cares about herself instead of a family as a whole. I feel she is dragging me down right from the start. She is withholding me from meeting friends, whom are potential business partners in the future. She is even restricting me from playing soccer or even hanging out with anyone, and gets really pissed off when i invite my friends over.
We've talked about hiring a helper before, but i felt it was really unnessacary as she isn't working at all. Why can't she handle the chores while i'm away working? Its not like I'm not helping when i'm back.
We can never work as a team, as our views are totally different, hence the why did you marry her in the first place? All in all, I don't see myself living with this woman in the next 30 years or more...

Im not sure how was the situation before marriage and having baby, and not even now like who is looking after the baby at home. but the norm is the society tends to think being sahm is something easy. they have the vision of a lady as a taitai sitting on the sofa watch tv and dress up nicely , go high tea every afternoon. but the truth is women who are sahm or had been swore it is the most difficult job in the world. doing housework, with a crying baby and cooking isnt a simple chore. there is no medical benefit, no salary, no leave and its a 24 hour job. and sahm usually feels lonely because there is a lack of adult companion and its really a boring job.
 

wluyan

Member
if i may, suggest you both to go to a marriage counsellor. or both of you to go for a short getaway, even a movie or romantic dinner juz both of you to rekindle your love, have a heart to heart talk with each other before you throw the towel.

please dont give up so easily. marriage life is never easy, but you can make it work
 

wluyan

Member
or perhaps you can try to take a day off once in a while to stay at home to look after the baby so she can go out with her friends to relax.
 

sadman2009

Active Member
Have a heart to heart talk with her... may be with a councilor after that if she is agreeable... may be she needs to change or may be you have changed... either way... love for each other is very important... I don't know, if I have loved the woman whom at the start doesn't do housework, I will continue to love her after marriage even if she is the same person after that... Coz I have accepted her in the beginning and she didn't try to hide... she was like that and she continue to be like that... so that's the same person that I love... I don't know, may be if you are able to earn more money for the family, that will not be the issue... some women are just there to be pampered some are able to be strong themselves and make their own money...
after you have thought it through... then you could make the decision... whatever decision you make... you need to make sure it's the one that will make you happy always... Coz it's your life that you are living...
 

kytheon

Member
Hi Wolf, really sorry to hear that, hope you can make some decisions after listening to my story.
I grew up in a single parent family, staying with my paternal grandmother. Over the years of my childhood, i did question why i have only my dad while others have both. I eventually found out the truth and it made me mature faster than others, understand responsibility more than my peers. I accepted that i did not have both parents, but my dad gave me both sets of love a child could have. My uncle on the other hand, divorced when his kids are in primary/secondary school. Both of them (kids) are now trying to get to accept and move on.
Divorcing while your son is still young, does much more lesser damage than divorcing when they are older and began to learn. Kids have a stronger adaptability when they are younger. Just my story for your thoughts. I hope everything goes well, and be happy. God bless.
 

buddhabar

Active Member
Totally agreed. I guess kids have higher acceptances compare to teenagers who have their own mindset and perspectives which can work against everything and anything. When kids wonder why, they will ask . Teenagers wouldn't ask, they form their own conclusion which can be really warped.
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
this sort of decision shld be made before having kids. your kid is still very young, think carefully. in all divorce, kids are the ones who suffer.

anyway, why did you marry her when you already knew what type of person she is before marriage?

Love isnt about changing a person, its abt accepting the way he/she is.

would u like to try marriage counselling?
I beg to differ, managing finances within one's ability is basic survival. If one doesn't want to learn that, it is impossible to sustain the marriage. Basic bread and butter, nothing is free, it has to come from somewhere, somehow. The couple can still continue their roles as parents for the kid without the marriage. We live once only, don't live a lie, thinking its the best interest for your kids. It isn't. Do seek counselloring, however, you need to know when to pull the plug. Values and ethics are unique to everyone, don't have that belief that its common basic decency. We are all influence very much by the years in our unique environment. Who are we to impose our own balance to our partners. Life isn't perfect, we make mistakes. Some we can live with, others, we should bite the bullet and move on. No point bluffing ourselves that hanging on is the only responsible way forward.
 

kytheon

Member
Totally agree. Sorry to say that, but it is time for you to plan for you and your son. Do prep all the papers supporting your stand of financial stability when getting the rights and the house. With hard evidence, the ruling will be fair.
 

gladjo

Member
Hi wolf

Kytheon's point is valid ..the older the kids,the more they question n the more they try to justify the morebthe blame u n ususally their justification is loopsided ...on the other hand..hv u consider may b she's OCD ..hmm...Excessive Compassive sydrome??
 

life_is

Active Member
Thank you both for your reply. I just feel I can't really live with someone who only cares about herself instead of a family as a whole. I feel she is dragging me down right from the start. She is withholding me from meeting friends, whom are potential business partners in the future. She is even restricting me from playing soccer or even hanging out with anyone, and gets really pissed off when i invite my friends over.
We've talked about hiring a helper before, but i felt it was really unnessacary as she isn't working at all. Why can't she handle the chores while i'm away working? Its not like I'm not helping when i'm back.
We can never work as a team, as our views are totally different, hence the why did you marry her in the first place? All in all, I don't see myself living with this woman in the next 30 years or more...

Counselling. New parents are usually stressed out. If you can't cope as a couple, for the sake of the marriage, hire domestic helpers or get relatives to help. Be proactive in seeking to salvage the marriage. At least try to before you decide on divorce. Talk to her parents and tell them that they will be causing their daughter to have a broken marriage if they allow her to stay apart any longer, and if they have a son, you will ensure he faces the same hell from his wife if he is married. Tell them the consequences of causing marital breakdown, get them not to interfere, so that it is easier to salvage.
 

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