Costs of Marriage - how do u spilt?

Hi Jo,

For me having a dec wedding is more because of my job, its the only time i'm free to do it!

Anyway, like wat doll has mentioned, don't rush to do things because of a dateline. I understand the disappointment of having to push back your wedding. We initially targetted end 2008, but looking at how our fianaces were like, its totally not possible and we know we will end up having to argue about money all the time. So we compromised and decided to push another year back so we will be more comfortable.

Like wat I said, a wedding is just a 'show', the fact the you are both together and in love, is worth more than any wedding and banquet. If you think that its too far away and you do want to be man and wife first, why not consider doing a ROM first since its more small scale and manageable and then slowly save up for the actual day? ;)
 


A 1-2 year delay out of 30-40 years of the marriage can't be considered a long wait at all, unless of course you plan to have children immediately. Otherwise, take it as more couple time!
 
Evening all...

Doll, you know, it was only a couple of hrs ago that I finally realise that I'm starting to at the wedding more in terms of a "deadline" than something to look forward to per se. Starting to have very mixed feelings.

Pryo, I'm glad you have been able to work things out with your fiance. Just had a short talk with mine earlier and I feel as though nothing has been completely resolved apart from understanding his meaning of 'splitting cost'.

Sigh..currently on medical leave. Hopefully my swinging emotions on this are due to my condition. :S
 
Jo, wedding is a celebration of your marriage; marriage is a lifelong commitment to the person you love and want to spend the rest of your lives together...always remember that...

Rest well.
 
I agree with powder that it is the mentality that counts.

When my hubby(boyfriend then) and I were dating, I tried to go dutch all the time although he could afford it because I don't want to feel indebted to him if we broke up and don't end up in marriage.

My hubby was amused by my mentality. Apparently, most of the girls he went out with before, will gladly let him pay.

He enjoyed paying for their expenses as he is brought up with a traditional mind-set that the guy should pay for everything.

After marriage, my hubby, being traditional, pays for everything, gives me a monthly allowance and all his salary (after deduction of his own expenses) although I'm working lady.

I'm not used to all this. So I told him I will put all the money into a joint account and used them for investment. The investment has been giving good returns so far.

I think my hubby was amazed and happy by my action and surprised that I knew how to 'grow" his money.

I think that must be the reason why he pampers me very much and buy jewellery for me every Christmas.
 
Just realized I missed out on something Pryo said..
We're not gonna ROM 'cos it's a church wedding. So it's kinda ROM and banquet on the same day.

Finally spoke to my mum bout this and I've got a better piece of mind.
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Hi Albee! Haha..how successful were you on going dutch? My other half got a lil irritated after some time when I kept trying to pay. So now i've learnt when to pay, e.g. when the credit card that i have has discounts, and when not to! *grinZ*

on an extremely sidenote, is it alright to share the kind of investment u've taken up? mine hasn't been doing well.
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Hi sobe,

The investment I do has the highest risk after hedge funds, not for the layman.

You could lose your entire fortune, lots of company directors and bankers have declare bankrupty because of this.

My hubby doesn't mind losing this money as it is actually meant for me in the first place.
 
There is nothing right or wrong here! If the HTB or WTB want to foot in all the bill, then what is your problem. If the WTB demand the guy to foot in all the bill, the HTB agree, it solves the problem, isnt it? If HTB dont agree, then they need to sit down and see if there is still need for marriage to take place.

The equation is as simple as supply and demand.

Financial matters is very important in marriage. It is the main reasons for divorce FYI. As a couple, very important to have the same kind of view on how to settle finances etc.

For me, I like the kind of guy that takes charge and treat me like a little girl. (Meaning also foot in most of the bill, guy that share this share that turns me off). So, I look for one. and i got one (the kind of guy that like to spoil on his girl/wife).

I think its not who pay or who drive. its about knowing what you want and getting what u want. This way, the world would be more peaceful isnt it? and less divorces if u know what u want and marrying what u want.

For sharing purposes, my hubby foot in all the bill, coz he is willing and he could afford it and he earns much more than me. Marriage is not about your money and my money, after u got married, its all become ours. I think it is so UN romantic to share wedding expenses 50 - 50 ... Even, if both HTB and WTB earns the same amount, work on something like brides pay for something, the HTB pay for something else, instead of splitting it equally 50-50.

Personally, dont like cheapo guys that share this and share that. I am the traditional old fashion type of girl.

Cherio
 
My HTB earns almost 3 times more than me(his salary is almost 10K while mine is 3K plus), and willing to pay all for the wedding including bridal package, PS etc.
I said I would pay some of the parts if he feels burdens out of it, but not sure how much I should prepare.

If your HTB income is much more than you, how much do you contribute in preparation of the wedding?
 
I am very upset and stressed up.

Initially, I have agreed to share half half for the wedding as I thought that it is the norm even though my FH earns 3 times more than me.

Then my family found out and they were freaking angry and told me that there is no such thing. They told me that my FH should paid everything or at least share the cost based on earning power to lighten my load. I told my FH this and he didn't take it well. We had many arguments about this. This really makes me so sad....I really wonder whether to continue the wedding.....

Sigh =(
 
Nic, first of all, YOU agreed to share the costs of the wedding .. and what your husband earns is none of your family's concern.

Shouldn't you feel proud that your husband is earning much, thus allowing you as a couple to lead a more comfortable lifestyle?

Now you are allowing your family to come in between the two of you for matters that doesn't concern them and frankly, if i was the guy, i would find somebody else.
 
Nic: Well, both sides of the coin.. even thou u agreed to share the costs of the wedding, ur FH should not be upset about u requesting him to pay the bulk of the costs, but instead hold you to your word... UNLESS he is paying for other things (like new house, reno, honeymoon, etc) that u are not sharing with us here..

Money is always one of the main reasons why couples quarrel, so try to be open, discuss, compromise, and dont let it affect your relationship.
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Katie:

He wants everything to be half-half and that includes house, honeymoon. This is very taxing on me as my monthly income is only $3k. Moreover, recently, the doc diagnoise that my grandma need dialysis for her kidney twice a week. I don't come from a well to do family. Everyone in my family is stressed about the treatment money. His family is well to do and for banquet he insisted on having at places like St Regis which is super super taxing for me just becos of "face value". Haiz....

I am upset about the fact that he is not understanding and doesn't want to help me to lighten my load. I feel as if we are like a separate entity. I thought if getting married, then everything should be shared. He doesn't even want to have a joint account. Makes me feel as if he wants to guard his fund against me.

This really makes me feel like that there is no pointing of getting married.
 
happylittlegal

If he wants face but wanted u to folk out money beyond yr budget then can always object to his proposal to host at St Regis since its yr wedding too.
 
If you already know that the costs for the wedding is super taxing, then please discuss with him instead of just going along with it ..

on another note, it seems that there's more than just one thing that you guys don't see eye-to-eye on .. relationships like that are very hard to maintain on a higher level.
 
"the richer u are, the more calculative & stingy u are".. seems like happylittlegal's FH belong to this category...

i think u 2 should really talk about it seriously and come to an agreement. to split household bills & expenses based on earning power is very reasonable, and on top of that, he should give u some 'allowance'. tell him it's not easy / cheap to get a wife. u need an agreement BEFORE u get married, and not go ahead with the marriage hoping that things will turn out ok in the end. this guy will be with you for the next 50 yrs or so, so pls think logically.

good luck to you!
 
i think some of u find it easy to base certain financial contribution splits on earning power becos u tend to be amongst the lesser of the earner, or be the non-earner...

i dun agree with the lavish spending, but i do know some pple who put in alot of personal effort into earning their keep, whilst some who are simply lazy... when u're in such a match, it 's gonna be tough... cos some pple are born to shamelessly expect more from others than they ever demand from themselves...

distinguishing if u belong to that category, is another story...

tho i have no qualms abt contributing more, i dun think it's easy on principle if i know the person pushing me is someone who can't earn for his own good. so with regards to the parents, i'll just say that some parents may have years to their name... but failure too. being an elder doesn't give weight to their opinions...
 
Hi Powder,

you have similar principles as my hubby who is willing to pay for most things and the only thing he dislikes is to be taken for granted. Like you, he doesn't mind paying for everything but would not like a self-centred woman who thinks men should pay for everything.

Perhaps for wedding expenses, it isn't that clear to some women that you are about to share your life with your hubby and therefore the financial burden is to be shared. Once in a marriage, you'll realise this important fact and value. Think about it this way...if your man is financially drained due to wedding expenses, then he wouldn't have much to build a home and family with you. Eventually, the woman has to chip in too. It's a 'sooner' or 'later' thing.

My problem is not about who pays for this or that. My problem is always that my man is not a good financial planner. He doesn't save much or plan in advance (for e.g. 3 years and beyond). Good thing I urged him to start a joint account with me so that we set aside some funds for our future. I truly believe that every personality trait is both a good and bad quality. For instance, my hubby is generous and not calculative with $. However, he is a poor financial planner and doesn't believe in growing his $ even through the safest investment plan.
 
qwerty, I agreew with you that at least the wife should pay for the hubby's ring...that is certainly more meaningful. For me, I paid for my hubby's ring, photography and shared housing and reno $.
 
Nic, maybe your hubby just didn't like that fact that you changed your mind because of what your family members said. He might think that you're easily influenced by your family? Frankly, in the first place, you should have not agreed to share half-half if you are not confident of handling the expenses. Have you two sat down together to calculate this sum? I actually sat my hubby down to calculate his expenses for him even...everything factor in, our cars, insurance, $ for parents etc etc then advised him to give up on certain things because it's beyond our budget. He initiates to pay for most things but he doesn't plan $ well so I took the initiative to do the sums for him and advise him to give up on certain things unless it's something I want, I would pay for it. In the end, though we had some arguments too (inevitable I think), we managed to work this out well.

I'm a little worried for you because I had an ex bf who earned twice my salary and who is rather calculative and stingy too. My hubby who earns slightly less than me is surprisingly more generous. We are both the type who dislike keeping track of discounts and sales in order to buy things we like. Sometimes these discounts and promotions are nothing but traps to make one pay more.

Anyway, back to your problem, Nic...I think you need to have a heart-to-heart talk with him to find out his concerns. It could be his family upbringing that made him more uptight with $. That ex bf of mine who's more uptight with $ happened to have a hard life during his growing years. Understanding where he's coming from may help you to communicate more effectively with him.
 
Heard from a bridal auntie that bride should buy the white shirt for the groom? Is this right?
What else that bride should buy for the groom?

What things that groom should buy for the bride?

We will likely split costs for everything except:
engagement ring (by groom-to-be).
shoes (parents said no good to buy shoes for other half).

Thanks a lot for your advice in advance.
 
yes, white shirt is a must.... 100% of divorces are caused by the bride not buying the white shirt, the rest of us whom u see stay married - our wives bought the white shirt. if u wanna double-confirm the happiness and bliss... throw in white undies too, i heard it from another bridal auntie.
 
the shoes will depend on the type, whether leather, moccasins, brown, black etc... and yes, it is also true to a certainextent. altho not as bad as white shirt, buying shoes will tend to result in partners running away ie affairs.

if u look at those pple who are having affairs or 'eating outside', and u ask them, u will also realise that it's not really their fault. it's more becos their wives bought shoes for them.

this may be further aggravated if u dun buy the white shirt.
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Hi,

Housing, wedding dinner, bridal package all done smmoothly. View the package and just sign on the dotted line. Really stressfree and romantic in a way.

I was quite surprised by the amount hubby saved because he didn't come from a well-off family.
His answer to me was although he didn't know who was his future wife, he did know he wanted to marry some day so he started saving since he entered the workforce.

I felt so blessed and romantic to hear these words.

I think a lot of couples had a stressful marriage prep because they didn't know they want to get marry some day.
 
Hi,

I was surprised by my Hubby and Powder's view because although I knew I wanted to marry someday, I didn't actually save towards that goal.

I kind of save by default because a lot of my hobbies don't cost any money eg. library books and internet movies.

I like some of the advice from this forum especially from Powder. It really enlighten and broaden my view.
 
For me and my wife we both work together to build our family. Each of us contribute whatever we can without cleanly dividing everything right down in half. Any extras we contributed will go into the joint fund for special treats/rainy days.

Marriage is about giving and not keep taking. Otherwise there sure will be resentment on one side.
 
Hi Kent,

Although you will not admit it but I do think you enjoy reading my comments in the forum.

I'm sure you will not surf a forum which is lacking in comments, the forum will soon die off, isn't it?

Hope you can contribute some insightful comments.
I know you can because you wrote a wonderful post on investments.

Well, you are not wrong. My hubby does call me calbee potato chips sometimes. It's really funny when he does that, he really wants to eat me up!
 
I find photograhy, wedding etc very bo liao but my bf thought I couldn bear to spend on these so...he said he will foot everything. I'm fine with paying for any if he needs me to.
 
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