Confuse and dishearted

Hi SM,

The woman in this case (please refer to her answers on the questions) may be undergoing constant pressures or emotional suppression having to deal with her husband.

Prolonged exposure to such a condition may have an adverse effect on herself.

And the rest, you should follow up with Hweebs.
 


hmmm...regarding the 'out of character' part and being staged...maybe i need to clarify that i am not suggesting halfhearted go and purposely provoke the husband. Not like that. I will think that in situations with her husband normally, it's more like she feels stressed and threatened by her husband, but she will suppress her urges to tell it to him. It may be out of fear, and/or out of habit to keep one's cool. My hypothesis is that her normal reaction may be an 'under-reaction', so for her to add the heat by over-reacting a bit.

In terms of danger...I was not very clear what you guys are suggesting. Maybe u can help me....if you talk to your other half then she suddenly break down and cry, and tell you she is undergoing a lot of stress and she cannot cope with your scrutiny anymore, what will be your reaction? Will you beat her up for telling you that, or try to abuse her for crying? I thought the normal reaction is being shocked, that you had absolutely no idea that she is under so much stress with you. Is that so? Please tell me your views!
 
hweebs,

Your words:

I will like you to make a HUGE SCENE. When he uses or if he has the opportunity to use his possessive/ tyrannic ways on you, I will like you to OVER react. Make a big fuss


Have I misunderstood your words? If you have meant that she should not suppress her emotions, there are other ways of putting it..
 
Hi half hearted, as mentioned earier... Seems u r either afraid or unable to identify clearly the issues with your husband.
     
"Have told him there are problems between us and we need to address the issue."

how to work on issues when u r fearful to feedback and speak off your mind?
 
Hweebs,

If your woman moves to her parents, don't you get the message? She has already said, she did try to convey her messages to him but he is 'unable to be communicated with'.

Maybe you have left this part out.

In any case, there are some previous psychological impulses that when a men in such closed-up emotional well of depression would encounter a crying woman who won't like to be stopped... Yes, there will be instance when violence shall follow.

We have to be careful when we approach a man when the woman has already left sending out very strong or extreme message.

Some men may go extreme... and that's why when a man thot the woman is finding an excuse to leave him, he killed the woman and committed suicide in some local cases.

We don't know the exact situation. But I am not going to just trust her description of the man, nor am I to vote for pushing her to such risks.

I am still for letting their parents make the arrangement to work anything out. Or best, she goes for a divorce. That man may have become unstable, or maginifying the likelihood of his wife leaving him...

You never know.
 
simpleman: maybe i have misrepresented myself, what i meant was being emotionally expressive. Sorry about that. On the other hand, it might just be my own interpretation of things: I thought crying like that is a huge scene :P

scope: yah, i understand what you mean. I realized that after i made the posting too. Why did I frame it to sound like she should stay on to work? I realise I was looking at it from the safety point of view. An ultra possessive man is a bit like a timebomb.

After examining my thoughts, I realized that this maneuver can be used regardless of whether halfhearted decides to go for a divorce, because it really works to defuse/distract husband's vengeful/jealous/blaming thoughts to let him become aware of halfhearted's feelings. Of course, I will hope that halfhearted's husband will give up and calmly accept divorce, but given that he is such an insecure and possessive person, it's not likely to happen lor. He will likely pester/threaten her, and when that happens, I think this will work to suddenly change his frame of mind/thought and help him understand why halfhearted decided to leave, and spur him towards getting some psychological help.
 
Milo: i support your view
happy.gif


but halfhearted, I will support your decision whatever it is ( hopefully they are not dangerous ones). After all, the real pain for you may be too much to bear. We here can listen and talk, but can never know if you have gone past your limit
 
Hweebs,

Just say that I never take chances.

If he'd 'wake up', his wife's move to her parents' would already have waken him up towards her feeling.

Nonetheless, you can still try...

But it's good you realise why I advocated divorce.

Whether that man is really that horrible... Hmm... Just take a pinch of salt. When a woman is sad, she can be so pessimistic about the man, and anything can be irrationally so realistic.

Remember, her objective is never that she really bothers about the man going for paid sex. You should check her for her social status, peer pressures and such. Might yield something useful. LOL~
 
1/2 heart,

he does not love you anymore. he try to find all sort of reason for you to leave him. who in the world admit for the paid sex ? and mention STD ?

unless that man is looking for relationship of mass destruction. he want you to be pity for him, treat him like a baby boy. he want a motherly girl who is dying for him.

lol, i want to laugh when i read it.
 
Milo: the martial problem I referring to is communication. I try all means and ways to let him know my feeling and how stress I am. But he always give me that can't be bothered attitude. At times I want to discuss problem with him like going out with my friends, he didn't even want to talk about it. Till I made arrangement to go out with my friend, he then started to quarrel with me about this issue. As time goes by, I just give up and stop talking. But that not the way a couple should be. Tat y I suggest to go counselling.

Moist: r u referring that married guy if they ever go for paid sex will never never confess to the wife unless he wants to end it? Then he shld gladly accept it when I voice out divorce instead of using violence to hurt me.

Hweebs: I did once, really break down n cry in front of him and told him how stress I am. U know how is his reaction...... Ask me to go to sleep. At that point of time I dunno how to react.

Anyway I stayed at my parents place and he keep harassing me to go back home. Tis time round my parent in law knows about it too. But seems like they cannot help much too.
 
hi Half hearted,

his pride is in the way. to break the ice, u need to bring his guard down and let him feel comfortable knowing u want to work things out and improve. Not critising, threathening nor contradicting him. Frankly, it boils down to the wrong selection. You cannot suppress yourself to the level he needs to feel secure. And he will be defensive because of his needy insecure nature.

The issues are clearly much more with him than you. But, u chose to marry him knowing the issue. Going to a counsellor will only work if he does so willing and with the open mind. If he still places his pride above all, his mind remains shut.
 
yah halfhearted. You break down and he ask you to go and sleep??????!!!!!!! my goodness, this man of yours really got big problem neh!

milo: i dunno if she knew the issues before she marry. If i were her and i knew, wah, i would have sprinted :P

halfhearted, hope his harassments are not dangerous. I also dunno what to suggest liao. A wild idea will be to é¿é¿é£Žå¤´
 
Hweebs,

Readings show accurately that these two have been a big mistake from the start. Just suggest divorce and be done. ^.^
 
hweebs, frankly, many men are really this practical and unfeeling. This isn't the 1st I heard of husbands asking their weeping wives to sleep.

In fact, my own BIL did that to my sis. But, their relationship has improved since and survived that crisis.
 
Hmmm...what will you guys recommend the wife to do when the husband ask her to go and sleep (in general situations)? what will work and get to him (the husband)?
 
hweebs, she has to accept the fact she married a practical guy. But, it doesn't mean that the marriage will not work out just because he is being unfeeling.

Normally, these guys do not value nor acknowledge their emotional needs. But, it doesn't mean he has no emotions. Such guys are just not in touch with their emotions. The couple needs to explore and understand their differences and find out what motivates them. There is no one answer. But, finding that key that motivates and open that emotional side of person is what is required. The longer he stays detached from his marriage and family, the harder it is to reverse it.
 
ok, milo. Does that mean to 'coach' the husband in expressing feelings like one will do with a child. E.g. After losing a close friend/etc, to say to him that 'you must be feeling sad and lost' kind of thing?
 
hweebs, not so like a child. Its much tougher because a person's pride and character has been built around upon this long. It would be tough to get him to be receptive to counselloring and self evaluation to rediscover the purpose and motivation in the marriage.

Normally, it requires a strong enough message from the spouse to wake him up. But, it can go 2 ways. Either they call it quits and he remain resentfully prideful and practical or he wakes up and reflect. It is normally at the breakpoint that the spouse can no longer take it. She breaks silence and ask him to give the marriage one last shot with her. If he listens, there is hope that he would open up but if he cramps up, then its over.
 
hmm..i see. I guess halfhearted has delivered the wake up call, but if the husband still blur, then too bad lar.
 
not quite.... rather, I think she has shut the door already. She knows how prideful he is. If she still lingering on some hope, then she need to leave the leeway for him to get back without throwing away his pride.
 
Half-hearted,

Your husband is really paranoid. I think he may need some counseling or review by a psychiatrist.
 
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