Confuse and dishearted
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miloice
Well-Known Member
Even if he didn't cheat on you now, does it guarantee he wouldn't in future? When will your guessing end? You cannot trust him, and the suspicion will always bug you. Look at the real issue.
Is there some issues with your marriage or that his integrity is in suspect to begin with? If you can trust him, u will not be asking all these. But, if he is always hiding things from you. Why? Are you guys communicating? You should be exploring all these then pinpointing if he had paid sex.
Is there some issues with your marriage or that his integrity is in suspect to begin with? If you can trust him, u will not be asking all these. But, if he is always hiding things from you. Why? Are you guys communicating? You should be exploring all these then pinpointing if he had paid sex.
I dunno in the future and won't dare to think so much about the future.
You are right there is some issue within my marriage. From the start of the relationship he has been insecure and suspicious of me which all these years i have been trying to give him the assurance. He hardly tells me about his feelings. Its always me pestering him and urging him to talk then he will reveal alittle. If he does he always wants me to agree with him. Agree on the way he thinks.
You will be wondering y i suddenly thought of this its becoz recently he confess to me that he has gone for paid sex when he is young and afraid he may have gotten some sexually transmitted diseases. I have been encouraging him to go for checkup instead of worrying about it but he keep postpone the checkup.
His action make me think of these questions, Why is he checking his health condition after 5 years of marriage?? Did he gone for paid sex after marriage that prompt him to worry about STD? If you love a person, you shld have gone to check it right from the start of the marriage.
Maybe you are right, there is no trust between us. No trust in this relationship from the start. He even checked on my mobile , my personal email, my credit card statement, who i go out with, who i talk to over the phone. I even need to tell him which guy i talk to in office.
I am very tired in this relationship. Constantly giving him assurance, doing what he wants like no mind of my own.
I am considering if i should just give up on this relationship. Issue brought up to discuss but never resolve. After a while its goes back to the same old way.
You are right there is some issue within my marriage. From the start of the relationship he has been insecure and suspicious of me which all these years i have been trying to give him the assurance. He hardly tells me about his feelings. Its always me pestering him and urging him to talk then he will reveal alittle. If he does he always wants me to agree with him. Agree on the way he thinks.
You will be wondering y i suddenly thought of this its becoz recently he confess to me that he has gone for paid sex when he is young and afraid he may have gotten some sexually transmitted diseases. I have been encouraging him to go for checkup instead of worrying about it but he keep postpone the checkup.
His action make me think of these questions, Why is he checking his health condition after 5 years of marriage?? Did he gone for paid sex after marriage that prompt him to worry about STD? If you love a person, you shld have gone to check it right from the start of the marriage.
Maybe you are right, there is no trust between us. No trust in this relationship from the start. He even checked on my mobile , my personal email, my credit card statement, who i go out with, who i talk to over the phone. I even need to tell him which guy i talk to in office.
I am very tired in this relationship. Constantly giving him assurance, doing what he wants like no mind of my own.
I am considering if i should just give up on this relationship. Issue brought up to discuss but never resolve. After a while its goes back to the same old way.
miloice
Well-Known Member
You already said it yourself. That's what you should be focusing on. I suppose the finding out of the infidelity is for the use as evidence for divorce? If yes, do get a PI.
And protect yourself and get screened too. One way to find out... If he is infected and seeking treatment, he will be taking strong medication for fighting infection. Its easy to check online on his medication to determine if he is taking medication for STD.
And protect yourself and get screened too. One way to find out... If he is infected and seeking treatment, he will be taking strong medication for fighting infection. Its easy to check online on his medication to determine if he is taking medication for STD.
Getting PI to follow him? For how long? I have limited $$$.
As for my health, i do annual body checks. So far its clean
He is not under any medication at the moment.
I am considering giving up, but my family has asked me to hang on. None of them support my idea to divorce him. They keep saying that its our communication break down.
As for my health, i do annual body checks. So far its clean
He is not under any medication at the moment.
I am considering giving up, but my family has asked me to hang on. None of them support my idea to divorce him. They keep saying that its our communication break down.
miloice
Well-Known Member
Before thinking about getting the PI, think what is the purpose. If you are pretty sure about his infidelity and its only to use as court evidence, then proceed.
As mentioned, he might be only showing symptoms recently or getting warned by a friend. Many would assume they are clear as long as no symptoms are seen after sometime from the session. Normally, family would not be so encouraging to break up. You shouldn't be making the decision based on whether there are people around to spur you on or not.
Its your life your call. Take charge.
As mentioned, he might be only showing symptoms recently or getting warned by a friend. Many would assume they are clear as long as no symptoms are seen after sometime from the session. Normally, family would not be so encouraging to break up. You shouldn't be making the decision based on whether there are people around to spur you on or not.
Its your life your call. Take charge.
Its always easy to say than to do it. To get divorce need lots of guts especially when he has show violent to me before when i mention divorce.
I have been thinking alot about the relationship recently. Feel that i have been giving in too much to him. I wanna to put a stop to this but i can't bring myself to do it. Afraid to disppoint his parents, afraid my family will abandon me.....
All these making me go nuts....
I have been thinking alot about the relationship recently. Feel that i have been giving in too much to him. I wanna to put a stop to this but i can't bring myself to do it. Afraid to disppoint his parents, afraid my family will abandon me.....
All these making me go nuts....
miloice
Well-Known Member
Nothing will change with all talk and no action. No one says its easy.
You do need to think carefully because it is you that has to face the consequences. No one else. When you have decided, stick with your decision. Be it to remain in the marriage or divorce. You need to be at peace with your decision else, you will always be struggling with your thoughts like now. Its a vicious cycle that no one else but you can pull you away from.
You do need to think carefully because it is you that has to face the consequences. No one else. When you have decided, stick with your decision. Be it to remain in the marriage or divorce. You need to be at peace with your decision else, you will always be struggling with your thoughts like now. Its a vicious cycle that no one else but you can pull you away from.
cococherry
New Member
"If you love a person, you shld have gone to check it right from the start of the marriage."
not many will do the check up before marriage, they always believe that they aren't the unlucky ones.
To protect yourself - get him to do the test before engaging any further sexual activity with him as There is currently no cure for HIV/AID.
Check out for STD symptoms like Fever, red bumps near the private parts etc
The ways to find out if he gone for paid sex?
Ask him directly
LIke what others said: hire a PI
not many will do the check up before marriage, they always believe that they aren't the unlucky ones.
To protect yourself - get him to do the test before engaging any further sexual activity with him as There is currently no cure for HIV/AID.
Check out for STD symptoms like Fever, red bumps near the private parts etc
The ways to find out if he gone for paid sex?
Ask him directly
LIke what others said: hire a PI
"To protect yourself - get him to do the test before engaging any further sexual activity with him as There is currently no cure for HIV/AID. "
have told him this. BUt he claim that can use condom in the meantime. He even mention that if the test is postive, we still can engage in sexual activity using condom. He is so damn selfish! Since this issue brought up, i have stop all sexual activity with him. I can't bring myself to let him touch me.
have told him this. BUt he claim that can use condom in the meantime. He even mention that if the test is postive, we still can engage in sexual activity using condom. He is so damn selfish! Since this issue brought up, i have stop all sexual activity with him. I can't bring myself to let him touch me.
cococherry
New Member
There are risks even if you use condom. You should protect yourself.
miloice
Well-Known Member
He can be unhappy?!? What abt u? R u happy at all? U allow him to control and dominate u. In a way, u encouraged him to continue the treatment. If u seriously want to do something abt it, do it. Else, no point complaining abt it. It's your choice. All the sad story on miserable your marriage is ... Blah blah blah... Life is not a bed of roses, we have to make tough calls and the best out of the situation. Nothing is perfect and nothing is for free.. If u want things to improve, take charge and dun let other led u in everything.
confusedboy84
New Member
Hi TS,
Im not trying to add oil to fire but from what u said "He even mention that if the test is postive, we still can engage in sexual activity using condom"
to me that is really too much.... i agree with milo that u need to be firm on ur decision. when decision is made, dun look back...
Try to tok to him first, but if you think that divorce is the only way out. be ready to protect urself from being hurt since u mentioned that he is kind of violent when the topic is brought up..
All the best to u..
Im not trying to add oil to fire but from what u said "He even mention that if the test is postive, we still can engage in sexual activity using condom"
to me that is really too much.... i agree with milo that u need to be firm on ur decision. when decision is made, dun look back...
Try to tok to him first, but if you think that divorce is the only way out. be ready to protect urself from being hurt since u mentioned that he is kind of violent when the topic is brought up..
All the best to u..
I think the problem with this marriage is the lack of trust & communication and the suspicion of him having paid sex is part of it.
1. if you are thus far clean and unsure if he is currently still having paid sex, abstain from sexual relationship with him. If he ask why, tell him blankly that he maybe infected. Get him to do a medical check up immediately before thinking of sticking that thing into you.
1. if you are thus far clean and unsure if he is currently still having paid sex, abstain from sexual relationship with him. If he ask why, tell him blankly that he maybe infected. Get him to do a medical check up immediately before thinking of sticking that thing into you.
Thank you for all the advise.
After thinking through,our relationship indeed have problem. Our relationship foundation is not strong and I keep giving in to him.
A few days ago, someting real nasty happened. He suddenly took my mobile and check. Again kept questioning me on my sms and numerous calls I made to family and friends. We had a heated argument on why he start to suspect me again.
I can't stand his nonsense anymore and decided to call it quit. I told him I want a divorce, he suddenly strangle me.
Since then I have shift to my parent's place. His behaviour is getting bad to worse. Really didn't know how to continue with him.
Now the problem is how to proceed on with the legal aspect. Do I need to wait till he has cool down and talk to him about the divorce or straight sent him lawyer letter?
After thinking through,our relationship indeed have problem. Our relationship foundation is not strong and I keep giving in to him.
A few days ago, someting real nasty happened. He suddenly took my mobile and check. Again kept questioning me on my sms and numerous calls I made to family and friends. We had a heated argument on why he start to suspect me again.
I can't stand his nonsense anymore and decided to call it quit. I told him I want a divorce, he suddenly strangle me.
Since then I have shift to my parent's place. His behaviour is getting bad to worse. Really didn't know how to continue with him.
Now the problem is how to proceed on with the legal aspect. Do I need to wait till he has cool down and talk to him about the divorce or straight sent him lawyer letter?
Hi Half Hearted,
I have a few questions bugging me in your case... Maybe you can help me.
1. I do not think that you are really bothered about him getting paid sex, at least not to the point for divorce. Do you love your husband when you chose to marry him?
2. Do you have any communication problem with him before you married him?
3. Are you bothered if he were to confess to you he engages paid sex during courtship, before you are married to him?
4. Do you understand your man?
5. Do you think he cares about you, or about his own ego in marriage (that you'd betray him when he goes for paid sex)?
6. Is there a difference to you between paid sex and him having fallen in love with another (and have sex thus)?
7. Are you tired most of the time or... he is really sexually unattractive when you married him and now?
8. When you move to your parents' place, have you expected his behavior will have gotten better with such a move?
9. Will you end a marriage because of communication issue as you have chosen to marry him in the first place?
10. Here's the direct question... Why have you married him?
Just curious. ^.^
I will tell you a simple way to tell if he is still having paid sex... if you have honest answers for my doubts. How? LOL~
I have a few questions bugging me in your case... Maybe you can help me.
1. I do not think that you are really bothered about him getting paid sex, at least not to the point for divorce. Do you love your husband when you chose to marry him?
2. Do you have any communication problem with him before you married him?
3. Are you bothered if he were to confess to you he engages paid sex during courtship, before you are married to him?
4. Do you understand your man?
5. Do you think he cares about you, or about his own ego in marriage (that you'd betray him when he goes for paid sex)?
6. Is there a difference to you between paid sex and him having fallen in love with another (and have sex thus)?
7. Are you tired most of the time or... he is really sexually unattractive when you married him and now?
8. When you move to your parents' place, have you expected his behavior will have gotten better with such a move?
9. Will you end a marriage because of communication issue as you have chosen to marry him in the first place?
10. Here's the direct question... Why have you married him?
Just curious. ^.^
I will tell you a simple way to tell if he is still having paid sex... if you have honest answers for my doubts. How? LOL~
To clear ur doubt I can answer ur qns.
1.Do you love your husband when you chose to marry him?<-- if I dun love him I won't always give in to him. Every now and then do stuff according to his liking. To the extend of cutting off contact with my good friends.
2. Do you have any communication problem with him before you married him? <--maybe. Y I say maybe becoz most of the time I am the one who will talk to him every night before I sleep. I even come clean with him of all my past relationships. Tell him just about everything. He is more of those listen type but when there is a quarrel, he will always use my words against me. To the extend I try not to tell him too much. He himself doesn,t tell me much.
3. Are you bothered if he were to confess to you he engages paid sex during courtship, before you are married to him? <-- I am abit bothered. But during courtship I tried to ask him, but he did not answer me and brush the question away. I feel that if he doesn't answer, I respect his privacy and did not probe further.maybe this is my character that I dun like to probe issue. I prefer the person to tell me on his own accord, I haf oso made tis point clear to him.
4. Do you understand your man?<-- for tis qns I can answer you yes and no. All I noe is that he is always insecure,suspicious, easily jealous and has big ego. That y all this years I have been giving in to him. Encourage him, giving him support in what he wants to do. Keep assure him on his insecure feeling. But I am always taken for granted. No becoz he seldom tell or discuss stuff. If we ever discuss issue, he always want me to agree wif him.
5. Do you think he cares about you, or about his own ego in marriage (that you'd betray him when he goes for paid sex)? He care more about his ego. Y I say tis is becoz he wants me to be xiao niu ren. Always following his orders, his way of doing tings as well as the way he tinks. He tinks that all guys I talk to will like me and fall for me. To the extend he doesn't like me to tok to my family. He oso forbid me to tok to his family members. Anything I need to ask or tell it has to go thru him.
6. Is there a difference to you between paid sex and him having fallen in love with another (and have sex thus)? <-- to me there is no different. Both consider betray to the spouse both physically n emotionally.
7. Are you tired most of the time or... he is really sexually unattractive when you married him and now?<-- I am tired most the time coz I need to work and all hsework and replenish of hsehold stuff are all done by me. I also need to worry about expenses etc. He only come home relax and expect me to serve him mentally and physically. Come on, I oso need to rest I am not a robot. Moreover, he hardly contribute to the hsehold expense.
8. When you move to your parents' place, have you expected his behavior will have gotten better with such a move? <-- at least I am protected from physical harm. We can take this time to reflect on ourself as well as the marriage.
9. Will you end a marriage because of communication issue as you have chosen to marry him in the first place? Yes if I see there is no improvement after all means are used.
10. Here's the direct question... Why have you married him?<-- I have thought it thru and reason being married makes a person more mature and willing to take care of me and the future family. Married oso can give him a sense of security and cut off the jealous portion. I guess this are all my wishful thinking. In reality its does not exist.
Marriage is reali a gamble, either you win or lose. If u win, u r happy, if u lose, u get upset. But life still goes on. Most imptly I must be answerable to myself and not anybody else.
All these qns I have been trying to figure out myself before u asked. I have been tinking hard on a lot of aspect. But if I keep running away n dun face the problem, it will not go away. It will still come back like a cycle which I have now experience before marriage and after. I have to put an end to my torture.I can't let him hurt me physically and mentally.
1.Do you love your husband when you chose to marry him?<-- if I dun love him I won't always give in to him. Every now and then do stuff according to his liking. To the extend of cutting off contact with my good friends.
2. Do you have any communication problem with him before you married him? <--maybe. Y I say maybe becoz most of the time I am the one who will talk to him every night before I sleep. I even come clean with him of all my past relationships. Tell him just about everything. He is more of those listen type but when there is a quarrel, he will always use my words against me. To the extend I try not to tell him too much. He himself doesn,t tell me much.
3. Are you bothered if he were to confess to you he engages paid sex during courtship, before you are married to him? <-- I am abit bothered. But during courtship I tried to ask him, but he did not answer me and brush the question away. I feel that if he doesn't answer, I respect his privacy and did not probe further.maybe this is my character that I dun like to probe issue. I prefer the person to tell me on his own accord, I haf oso made tis point clear to him.
4. Do you understand your man?<-- for tis qns I can answer you yes and no. All I noe is that he is always insecure,suspicious, easily jealous and has big ego. That y all this years I have been giving in to him. Encourage him, giving him support in what he wants to do. Keep assure him on his insecure feeling. But I am always taken for granted. No becoz he seldom tell or discuss stuff. If we ever discuss issue, he always want me to agree wif him.
5. Do you think he cares about you, or about his own ego in marriage (that you'd betray him when he goes for paid sex)? He care more about his ego. Y I say tis is becoz he wants me to be xiao niu ren. Always following his orders, his way of doing tings as well as the way he tinks. He tinks that all guys I talk to will like me and fall for me. To the extend he doesn't like me to tok to my family. He oso forbid me to tok to his family members. Anything I need to ask or tell it has to go thru him.
6. Is there a difference to you between paid sex and him having fallen in love with another (and have sex thus)? <-- to me there is no different. Both consider betray to the spouse both physically n emotionally.
7. Are you tired most of the time or... he is really sexually unattractive when you married him and now?<-- I am tired most the time coz I need to work and all hsework and replenish of hsehold stuff are all done by me. I also need to worry about expenses etc. He only come home relax and expect me to serve him mentally and physically. Come on, I oso need to rest I am not a robot. Moreover, he hardly contribute to the hsehold expense.
8. When you move to your parents' place, have you expected his behavior will have gotten better with such a move? <-- at least I am protected from physical harm. We can take this time to reflect on ourself as well as the marriage.
9. Will you end a marriage because of communication issue as you have chosen to marry him in the first place? Yes if I see there is no improvement after all means are used.
10. Here's the direct question... Why have you married him?<-- I have thought it thru and reason being married makes a person more mature and willing to take care of me and the future family. Married oso can give him a sense of security and cut off the jealous portion. I guess this are all my wishful thinking. In reality its does not exist.
Marriage is reali a gamble, either you win or lose. If u win, u r happy, if u lose, u get upset. But life still goes on. Most imptly I must be answerable to myself and not anybody else.
All these qns I have been trying to figure out myself before u asked. I have been tinking hard on a lot of aspect. But if I keep running away n dun face the problem, it will not go away. It will still come back like a cycle which I have now experience before marriage and after. I have to put an end to my torture.I can't let him hurt me physically and mentally.
Hi halfhearted,
From the way you answered scopeguy's questions, I got a feeling u are quite an emotionally mature person...you know what you want and you take responsibility for yourself. Because of that, I support you in whatever your decision is. Problem is, even though you have decided to divorce him, will the problem end? Your husband checks your handphone, forbids you to interact with anyone, etc...I think he has morbid jealousy leh. Even if you divorce him and even get personal protection order, will he let you go? Or will he stalk you, threaten your friends, etc? I vaguely recall last time there was an indian man who murdered (dunno wife or wife's lover) at NUS/ Kent ridge because of morbid jealousy...is this correct ah? I'm not saying this to scare you, but you have to consider your safety too lor...
I don't know if what i propose is a possible solution, some of you here will make sarcastic comments like poser/want to earn $$ etc, but i must still say. I wonder if you can get him to go for counselling/treatment as a condition to review the marriage in 6 months. That way, he is not immediately threatened by your leaving and so not to hurt you or go into the 'die together' mindset, yet you have a chance that he reduces his symptoms (paranoid behaviour, possessiveness, morbid jealousy) during his treatment. In the period, he will most likely direct all his attacks/etc on the counsellor/therapist and u may have a short reprieve.
How?
From the way you answered scopeguy's questions, I got a feeling u are quite an emotionally mature person...you know what you want and you take responsibility for yourself. Because of that, I support you in whatever your decision is. Problem is, even though you have decided to divorce him, will the problem end? Your husband checks your handphone, forbids you to interact with anyone, etc...I think he has morbid jealousy leh. Even if you divorce him and even get personal protection order, will he let you go? Or will he stalk you, threaten your friends, etc? I vaguely recall last time there was an indian man who murdered (dunno wife or wife's lover) at NUS/ Kent ridge because of morbid jealousy...is this correct ah? I'm not saying this to scare you, but you have to consider your safety too lor...
I don't know if what i propose is a possible solution, some of you here will make sarcastic comments like poser/want to earn $$ etc, but i must still say. I wonder if you can get him to go for counselling/treatment as a condition to review the marriage in 6 months. That way, he is not immediately threatened by your leaving and so not to hurt you or go into the 'die together' mindset, yet you have a chance that he reduces his symptoms (paranoid behaviour, possessiveness, morbid jealousy) during his treatment. In the period, he will most likely direct all his attacks/etc on the counsellor/therapist and u may have a short reprieve.
How?
Oh nah its ok. Those qns I have thought it thru and came to the conclusion to divorce him. Its not in verge of anger that I make my decision.
Counselling, we have gone too. Every time the counsellor make him to agree and promise not to do certain things, he always do his own ways. Keep breaking his promises till counsellor kinda of give up on him. Imagine counsellor can raise her voice to scold him and also refuse to return his calls.
Oh shit, now I am scare come to think about it. I dare not go out alone. Always looking around me and try to avoid to be alone with him at void deck.
Counselling, we have gone too. Every time the counsellor make him to agree and promise not to do certain things, he always do his own ways. Keep breaking his promises till counsellor kinda of give up on him. Imagine counsellor can raise her voice to scold him and also refuse to return his calls.
Oh shit, now I am scare come to think about it. I dare not go out alone. Always looking around me and try to avoid to be alone with him at void deck.
if counselling also cannot work, then i dunno how liao lah. Doesn't make sense to uproot yourself for him, but then otherwise how to get rid of him? Unless he suddenly got new interest in his life, which will be your real good fortune, but the other girl's nightmare.
Your this gua1 has a family or not? What is his background...got any friends/ anybody who he will listen to?
Your this gua1 has a family or not? What is his background...got any friends/ anybody who he will listen to?
ehh...wait ah, when i posted my message and the page scrolled, i suddenly remembered how u started your post: how to find out if husband went for paid sex?
Is this the part the counsellor talked to your husband about? His fear of getting STDs etc? I wonder if he start going for counselling for this problem (rather than the possessive/ jealousy, etc) whether he will be more receptive. After all, he is the one concerned about the STDs and everything so he will really put in effort to solve his problem. My guess is that he doesn't see his paranoia and jealousy as a problem...he only sees you as THE problem, so it is no wonder that he will not want to work with the counsellor ("After all, it is HER problem mah, I change for what. Should counsel her instead. The counsellor also one kind, keep siding that woman. Siao!")
Dunno whether it is your case...hope it helps
Is this the part the counsellor talked to your husband about? His fear of getting STDs etc? I wonder if he start going for counselling for this problem (rather than the possessive/ jealousy, etc) whether he will be more receptive. After all, he is the one concerned about the STDs and everything so he will really put in effort to solve his problem. My guess is that he doesn't see his paranoia and jealousy as a problem...he only sees you as THE problem, so it is no wonder that he will not want to work with the counsellor ("After all, it is HER problem mah, I change for what. Should counsel her instead. The counsellor also one kind, keep siding that woman. Siao!")
Dunno whether it is your case...hope it helps
Counselling is on our marriage issue. The paid sex tingy i have not brought it up to the counsellor yet. I started by telling counsellor abt his jealous and control part. Was tinking to go one step at a time. But I am wrong again. Ting dun go tat way. It has escalated to far more serious issue.
hmmm...dunno if i hadn't been clear. We all see marital problems as the problems between u and your husband, but he doesn't see it that way. For him to eventually hit that topic, he may need to deal with his anxiety of getting STDs first. While dealing with that issue, he will hopefully start to trust his counsellor, to a point where the counsellor can bridge the marital problem to him. My guess is that his counsellor might have failed because he/she did not manage to gain your husband's trust, because he/she is working on a problem that he doesn't think exist, ie. the marital problem
miloice
Well-Known Member
Does he knowledge he has issues? It probably cannot improve and not receptive to treatments if he doesn't even realise he needs help. It normal to have some level of insecurities as everyone differs and have unique issues. However, he has proven to completely incapable to manage them and imposing ridiculous restrictions on u.
I hope you can rethink and redo some of the questions. But it's ok...
1. Qn 1 checks basically your rudimentary elements of marriage, or having sex with a man. Your basis of marriage is sadly... wrong. But which explains why you are having such a problem. From here we'd go into the other qns.
I must remind you that loving a guy doesn't mean giving in anyohow and killing your own friendships with others. Your relationship with others are also relationships, and is part of you. (You need to respect one relationship to respect the rest, see?) A guy who loves you will not want you to kill your relationship with an ex-lover or other friends; because they are (important) parts of your life, and loving you means to accept you in whole, unless the 'friends' are evil and that'd be protecting you.
In your case... You married with no real... understanding of love. Sorry that I have to be straight here.
2. I see the problem now... You wanted someone to support you emotionally, you wanted someone whom you could trust and be open with. You wanted someone of certain qualities but you do not see the need to check... Typical woman. Too gan-cheong. How can you fight as comrades when nobody communicate???
That begs another Qn... Do you have many suitors...? (Sounds weird but... that'd determine your own personality.)
3. There is no such thing as 'a bit bothered'. You are just not bothered, alright. LOL~ If that's really the issue, you'd have pursued him to open up everything. You wanted the relationship too much... and you don't understand what you really want.
In fact, I might know you better than you know yourself...
If I were him, I'd tell you everything. This is relationship... I doubt both of you understand relationship. Here begs yet another question...
How is the relationship of him to his original family. Psychologically speaking... his family may not be that good in maintaining relationship with him, or they are at a constant tensed up situation. I may not be right... So...
This Qn directly addresses to your real concern on the paid sex part.
4. This Qn is to check on your own answers in one of qns above... in case you... try to hide something. LOL~ Good, you are quite honest. You are at least facing your own problem.
5. You must understand the purpose of all these questions is to know more about you, and not anything about him. Saying this, I can say that since marriage... you discover that you have married the wrong man.
When a woman loves a man... You don't need the man to say anything, and she'd be å°å¥³äºº; Or even a sexy babe or whatever... to make him happy. You are feeling that he wants you to be that when subconciously... you are resisting him every moment. It must be very tough to sleep or have sex with a guy you are increasingly having emotional resistance towards.
You do not love him in real when you married, you now resist him, and you see no future with him... I may be wrong again, you are afraid to be pregnant because of him. So sex will become increasingly... tiring.
6. Not true in your case, you are indifference mostly likely because either of them are an excuse to get out... This marriage has been a big mistake. If you truly love someone, there will be a difference. If you really are bothered about him sleeping with a hooker, you would have insisted on that knowledge prior to your marriage; and even if you know, you'd still marry him... who is an actual illusion of someone you'd prefer.
7. LOL~ This Qn is a basis of your love life. A happily married woman who is attracted to her man will not only be energised to take care of him but will feel relieved with sex.
In your case, sex is not a relieve from pressure, but a burden... It's like a rape case to me. This man is like a stranger demanding sex using a weapon called marriage. You as a wife equally do not understand your position... So you tried, and hope things will turn around.
Your primarily concern is about this illusion becoming busted. Actually, whether he contributes to the expenses or not... will not really make a difference. You will still lead a tired life, will still fight seeing no end to it or meaning for it...
8. Drastic. It's a tragedy why you even married...
9. There won't be improvement, my dear Half-hearted. Your impression of this man and this failed marriage has gone too deeply rooted in you. Asking this qn is actually to acertain your stance from the above questions.
If the guy does pay the expense, doesn't go to paid sex, and he even talk to you... But assuming that's all possible, once you really meet someone else... you'd fall in love. Your marriage is not based on love, it's very fragile from the beginning when it is based on your illusion.
Habitually, you may try to have such illusion of you believing that you yourself or he will change. But in reality, you are not compatible. There is no love. You are in a jail.
10. Indeed, wishful thinking. And I am glad you face this, and utter this word out direct. You do not marry just to become mature. There are tons of people who are married and who are old but are totally immature.
You should be glad that the test from heaven for you is quick and easy... No doubt you have done a wrong in such a marriage. You must understand, if you do not marry the right guy, the right guy whom you should have met will be left onto another path. So this is not just about your husband. You must be responsible for your choice as you are affecting the fate of another guy via your choice (assuming there is another guy).
You are more independent than I want to know. LOL~ You should be able to sort out your problems and learn from this lesson. I advocate your divorce because you sound already aware of your problems.
You are playing a p0ker game with God... Don't anyohow pick up the nearest card that appears nicely packaged... The real card for you could be well hidden, and you'd need to prove yourself worthy for it.
Thank you for your time. And eh... I suppose you'd also realise that since paid sex is not the issue, as I have initially thot so, there is no need to know whether he is going still for paid sex or not.
I don't think you want more sex with him either... LOL~
Think hard. It's very rare to come by a woman who'd even choose to think hard. You'd need a lot of fate and the will to confront the problems. Remarkable.
1. Qn 1 checks basically your rudimentary elements of marriage, or having sex with a man. Your basis of marriage is sadly... wrong. But which explains why you are having such a problem. From here we'd go into the other qns.
I must remind you that loving a guy doesn't mean giving in anyohow and killing your own friendships with others. Your relationship with others are also relationships, and is part of you. (You need to respect one relationship to respect the rest, see?) A guy who loves you will not want you to kill your relationship with an ex-lover or other friends; because they are (important) parts of your life, and loving you means to accept you in whole, unless the 'friends' are evil and that'd be protecting you.
In your case... You married with no real... understanding of love. Sorry that I have to be straight here.
2. I see the problem now... You wanted someone to support you emotionally, you wanted someone whom you could trust and be open with. You wanted someone of certain qualities but you do not see the need to check... Typical woman. Too gan-cheong. How can you fight as comrades when nobody communicate???
That begs another Qn... Do you have many suitors...? (Sounds weird but... that'd determine your own personality.)
3. There is no such thing as 'a bit bothered'. You are just not bothered, alright. LOL~ If that's really the issue, you'd have pursued him to open up everything. You wanted the relationship too much... and you don't understand what you really want.
In fact, I might know you better than you know yourself...
If I were him, I'd tell you everything. This is relationship... I doubt both of you understand relationship. Here begs yet another question...
How is the relationship of him to his original family. Psychologically speaking... his family may not be that good in maintaining relationship with him, or they are at a constant tensed up situation. I may not be right... So...
This Qn directly addresses to your real concern on the paid sex part.
4. This Qn is to check on your own answers in one of qns above... in case you... try to hide something. LOL~ Good, you are quite honest. You are at least facing your own problem.
5. You must understand the purpose of all these questions is to know more about you, and not anything about him. Saying this, I can say that since marriage... you discover that you have married the wrong man.
When a woman loves a man... You don't need the man to say anything, and she'd be å°å¥³äºº; Or even a sexy babe or whatever... to make him happy. You are feeling that he wants you to be that when subconciously... you are resisting him every moment. It must be very tough to sleep or have sex with a guy you are increasingly having emotional resistance towards.
You do not love him in real when you married, you now resist him, and you see no future with him... I may be wrong again, you are afraid to be pregnant because of him. So sex will become increasingly... tiring.
6. Not true in your case, you are indifference mostly likely because either of them are an excuse to get out... This marriage has been a big mistake. If you truly love someone, there will be a difference. If you really are bothered about him sleeping with a hooker, you would have insisted on that knowledge prior to your marriage; and even if you know, you'd still marry him... who is an actual illusion of someone you'd prefer.
7. LOL~ This Qn is a basis of your love life. A happily married woman who is attracted to her man will not only be energised to take care of him but will feel relieved with sex.
In your case, sex is not a relieve from pressure, but a burden... It's like a rape case to me. This man is like a stranger demanding sex using a weapon called marriage. You as a wife equally do not understand your position... So you tried, and hope things will turn around.
Your primarily concern is about this illusion becoming busted. Actually, whether he contributes to the expenses or not... will not really make a difference. You will still lead a tired life, will still fight seeing no end to it or meaning for it...
8. Drastic. It's a tragedy why you even married...
9. There won't be improvement, my dear Half-hearted. Your impression of this man and this failed marriage has gone too deeply rooted in you. Asking this qn is actually to acertain your stance from the above questions.
If the guy does pay the expense, doesn't go to paid sex, and he even talk to you... But assuming that's all possible, once you really meet someone else... you'd fall in love. Your marriage is not based on love, it's very fragile from the beginning when it is based on your illusion.
Habitually, you may try to have such illusion of you believing that you yourself or he will change. But in reality, you are not compatible. There is no love. You are in a jail.
10. Indeed, wishful thinking. And I am glad you face this, and utter this word out direct. You do not marry just to become mature. There are tons of people who are married and who are old but are totally immature.
You should be glad that the test from heaven for you is quick and easy... No doubt you have done a wrong in such a marriage. You must understand, if you do not marry the right guy, the right guy whom you should have met will be left onto another path. So this is not just about your husband. You must be responsible for your choice as you are affecting the fate of another guy via your choice (assuming there is another guy).
You are more independent than I want to know. LOL~ You should be able to sort out your problems and learn from this lesson. I advocate your divorce because you sound already aware of your problems.
You are playing a p0ker game with God... Don't anyohow pick up the nearest card that appears nicely packaged... The real card for you could be well hidden, and you'd need to prove yourself worthy for it.
Thank you for your time. And eh... I suppose you'd also realise that since paid sex is not the issue, as I have initially thot so, there is no need to know whether he is going still for paid sex or not.
I don't think you want more sex with him either... LOL~
Think hard. It's very rare to come by a woman who'd even choose to think hard. You'd need a lot of fate and the will to confront the problems. Remarkable.
hmm...halfhearted, were there differences in his behaviour with you before and after he confessed? I'm trying to figure out a possible cause of his behaviour. Are u2 well matched, or are you someone whom he married "above his class" ? Do u have any idea what causes him to be such an insecure person?
Hm...... Before confess his paranoid behaviour still within bearable limit. After he confess, everything goes hay wire, getting bad to worse. "Above class?"- not sure wat u referring to.
well match mah- tis I not too sure. Coz I am more out going type while he is the stay at home type.
If I am not wrong, his previous gf (befoe me) ran off with his good friend, that y make his such a possessive n insecure person.
If I am not wrong, his previous gf (befoe me) ran off with his good friend, that y make his such a possessive n insecure person.
oh i see...i will postulate, u see if it describes your situation ah
man may have attachment issues (ambivalent)...what it means is that he will sometimes cling too hard to mother, while other times reject her completely. In his heart he felt that mother rejected him because he is defective/unlovable. When his gfren ran off with his good friend, it gets triggered again.
In his marriage to u, because he has always (unconsciously) felt that he is defective, he feel he will reject him once u truly know who he is. So he tries to hide everything from u to maintain the strong/good facade. When he confessed about his paid sex, he saw that u will definitely reject him, because u are good and he is bad. He is scared of losing your love so he uses the method that worked when he was a child: to cling to you, except that he uses modified methods: use threats to isolate, etc. But problem is the more he clings, the more you try to get away from him. Clinging too hard is hurtful and you do not want to be suffocated by him. He sees your distancing as a further rejection, so he tries harder to 'keep' you around.
If my hypothesis is correct, I will make a suggestion, though it is probably against your grain. Note that this is CG rated, so the rest, please do not try this without a counsellor's guidance...may be dangerous.
Halfhearted, u are quite a mature person, and I will reckon that people always describe you as a cool customer, yah? If you want to get your husband into some help, I will like you to make a HUGE SCENE. When he uses or if he has the opportunity to use his possessive/ tyrannic ways on you, I will like you to OVER react. Make a big fuss. Cry and tell him that it is soo stressful to be with him like that. Cry and say you can't take it anymore, no matter how much you love him. Tell him that he is clinging to you soo hard that it hurts very badly.
I will imagine that your intelligent and logical mind has always reacted to his possessive ways in a cool way. Cool, rational, don't do this, do that etc. This cool manner probably scares him even more, makes him feel more inferior (as he can never get his mood and emotions under control), and feels even more threatened that he will lose you forever. When you suddenly kick up a big fuss and create a big scene, he suddenly short circuited. For the first time, you may be letting him know emotionally (tears) how miserable you feel, and not what you are going to do. Suddenly for him, the question is not how to keep his wife from running away from him, but how to help his wife get out of the misery. This change of mindset from the defensive to the protecting will stop his persecution. After all, you are no longer running away, so why need to keep wife under lock and key? Must 'save' wife if not she will die!
What do u think?
man may have attachment issues (ambivalent)...what it means is that he will sometimes cling too hard to mother, while other times reject her completely. In his heart he felt that mother rejected him because he is defective/unlovable. When his gfren ran off with his good friend, it gets triggered again.
In his marriage to u, because he has always (unconsciously) felt that he is defective, he feel he will reject him once u truly know who he is. So he tries to hide everything from u to maintain the strong/good facade. When he confessed about his paid sex, he saw that u will definitely reject him, because u are good and he is bad. He is scared of losing your love so he uses the method that worked when he was a child: to cling to you, except that he uses modified methods: use threats to isolate, etc. But problem is the more he clings, the more you try to get away from him. Clinging too hard is hurtful and you do not want to be suffocated by him. He sees your distancing as a further rejection, so he tries harder to 'keep' you around.
If my hypothesis is correct, I will make a suggestion, though it is probably against your grain. Note that this is CG rated, so the rest, please do not try this without a counsellor's guidance...may be dangerous.
Halfhearted, u are quite a mature person, and I will reckon that people always describe you as a cool customer, yah? If you want to get your husband into some help, I will like you to make a HUGE SCENE. When he uses or if he has the opportunity to use his possessive/ tyrannic ways on you, I will like you to OVER react. Make a big fuss. Cry and tell him that it is soo stressful to be with him like that. Cry and say you can't take it anymore, no matter how much you love him. Tell him that he is clinging to you soo hard that it hurts very badly.
I will imagine that your intelligent and logical mind has always reacted to his possessive ways in a cool way. Cool, rational, don't do this, do that etc. This cool manner probably scares him even more, makes him feel more inferior (as he can never get his mood and emotions under control), and feels even more threatened that he will lose you forever. When you suddenly kick up a big fuss and create a big scene, he suddenly short circuited. For the first time, you may be letting him know emotionally (tears) how miserable you feel, and not what you are going to do. Suddenly for him, the question is not how to keep his wife from running away from him, but how to help his wife get out of the misery. This change of mindset from the defensive to the protecting will stop his persecution. After all, you are no longer running away, so why need to keep wife under lock and key? Must 'save' wife if not she will die!
What do u think?
Hweebs,
This woman has a psychological barrier with her husband. Which means due to communication break down, her own assessment of the man cannot be trusted.
Because, she has already hinted that she fears physical threats from the man. Didn't you pick up the risks here?
I am not against you, but for the interest of this woman, it'd be best that parents of both sides work things out. But I suggest she goes for a divorce.
Nobody intends to murder, but when impulse does come as the man might have well-ed up a huge momentum of anger or... whatever, you are putting the woman at risk by pressing that button.
Say, if something does happen... and she got abused, will you be prepared to answer for that?
No offence, the priority in any move should be lowering risk against the woman instead of making a gamble.
Just my opinion.
Hi SM,
Another man you are, isn't it? LOL~
Despite the stupidity and ridiculous of women, we should keep them out of harm's warm if possible.
If something does happen, the psychological swings of this woman make... grow into something radical. Not good.
This woman has a psychological barrier with her husband. Which means due to communication break down, her own assessment of the man cannot be trusted.
Because, she has already hinted that she fears physical threats from the man. Didn't you pick up the risks here?
I am not against you, but for the interest of this woman, it'd be best that parents of both sides work things out. But I suggest she goes for a divorce.
Nobody intends to murder, but when impulse does come as the man might have well-ed up a huge momentum of anger or... whatever, you are putting the woman at risk by pressing that button.
Say, if something does happen... and she got abused, will you be prepared to answer for that?
No offence, the priority in any move should be lowering risk against the woman instead of making a gamble.
Just my opinion.
Hi SM,
Another man you are, isn't it? LOL~
Despite the stupidity and ridiculous of women, we should keep them out of harm's warm if possible.
If something does happen, the psychological swings of this woman make... grow into something radical. Not good.
sgbabydoll
Active Member
Bet he can't understand himself either. Asked him to espouse his thoughts/views, nothing came back. Can only classify it as sweeping statements or crap.