rafflesjay
New Member
sgsingle, found ur problem why u still single?
Being single
- Thread starter sgsingle
- Start date
green_tranquility
New Member
Dragon,
U are hinting that you are the thorn? Haha
U are hinting that you are the thorn? Haha
dragonfruit
Active Member
Yes Green. And a happy one...lol
green_tranquility
New Member
Rafflesjay,
There maybe no problem with Sgsingle. It may just mean the Right person, who can trigger her heartbeats, hasn't appeared around her yet.
There maybe no problem with Sgsingle. It may just mean the Right person, who can trigger her heartbeats, hasn't appeared around her yet.
sgbabydoll
Active Member
Green, you have my utter blessing to continue teasing Dragon! I just sit back and see show hehe
dogtag73
Active Member
"Yeah, Doll's partner was lucky to be surrounded by so many roses from Chatters during the gathering. He was even more luckier to be able to find his beloved rose whom made him believe in love all over again"
Ya and they have my blessing...wonder who is that lucky guy huh...dragon u know him?
Ya and they have my blessing...wonder who is that lucky guy huh...dragon u know him?
dragonfruit
Active Member
Yeah Meng. That me!
But I also will not forget those happy times when you are my gay partner. Don't be jealous ah?...lol
But I also will not forget those happy times when you are my gay partner. Don't be jealous ah?...lol
dragonfruit
Active Member
If I am not there for you when you need me, let me know. I would like to recommend Doll's optometrist to you.
sgbabydoll
Active Member
I remember you, Fingers! How is it going for you?
Sgsingle, I believe in letting love find you instead of going out to find love. To me, it means that I would keep my spirit up and be happy with my single tatus. To pass time, I could go out with different men or even meet new female friends; pick up a new hobby; start an exercise routine; and spend more time with family members and pets, etc. Somehow, as you get busy with your life feeling happy and fulfilled, you might just attract someone.
I had thought of joining dating services too but perhaps it wasn't me to want to deliberately meet people who are on the looking. It makes me feel like I am being "judged" for my suitability as a partner more than being known and discovered as an individual. I also believe that without the emotional burden of trying to find a partner, I will be able to get to know someone really well be known, and utterly enjoy the experience of human interaction.
Another important reason why I did not deliberately went out to look for a partner was because I was hoping to gain a soulmate, who is really å¯é‡ä¸å¯æ±‚。
My partner is one of the people from this group which I started hanging out with last Oct. Over time, we found that we could clique and started meeting after work as our offices are nearby. From there, things just developed steadily and naturally.
This is my version of letting love find me
Sgsingle, I believe in letting love find you instead of going out to find love. To me, it means that I would keep my spirit up and be happy with my single tatus. To pass time, I could go out with different men or even meet new female friends; pick up a new hobby; start an exercise routine; and spend more time with family members and pets, etc. Somehow, as you get busy with your life feeling happy and fulfilled, you might just attract someone.
I had thought of joining dating services too but perhaps it wasn't me to want to deliberately meet people who are on the looking. It makes me feel like I am being "judged" for my suitability as a partner more than being known and discovered as an individual. I also believe that without the emotional burden of trying to find a partner, I will be able to get to know someone really well be known, and utterly enjoy the experience of human interaction.
Another important reason why I did not deliberately went out to look for a partner was because I was hoping to gain a soulmate, who is really å¯é‡ä¸å¯æ±‚。
My partner is one of the people from this group which I started hanging out with last Oct. Over time, we found that we could clique and started meeting after work as our offices are nearby. From there, things just developed steadily and naturally.
This is my version of letting love find me
Hey doll, u really hv an elephant memory which you had proclaimed yrself in one of the post.
Even though it was not just yesterday that I was single nonetheless I always go through different emotional phases. Guess at that time when I posted the thread was at my low point of emotion. No change in status. Went for an overnite trip for singles, made friends with 2 ladies though no guys. It seems to be easier to make friends with females rather than males in these activities. Recent weeks, I feel more positive and try not to dwell on this issue too much though I won’t know when is the next mood swing going to hit on me…
When you said you could go out with different men….how do you get to know them? Are they new to you or are they your existing friends? Problem for me is, need to know new men before talk about having the chance to go out with them.
“It makes me feel like I am being "judged" for my suitability as a partner more than being known and discovered as an individual. I also believe that without the emotional burden of trying to find a partner, I will be able to get to know someone really well be known, and utterly enjoy the experience of human interaction.â€
Very true! Always feel that is a very ‘forced environment’ especially speed dating. Wonder did those dating organizers ever really try to find out do the participants really enjoy this approach of knowing one another. You ask for the sake of asking/talking in that short 3 mins before the next guy move over. Basically you repeat the same questions and give the same answers in that half an hour to a few different guys whom you can’t remember whose names matches to which guy and all their replies to the questions asked!
Even though it was not just yesterday that I was single nonetheless I always go through different emotional phases. Guess at that time when I posted the thread was at my low point of emotion. No change in status. Went for an overnite trip for singles, made friends with 2 ladies though no guys. It seems to be easier to make friends with females rather than males in these activities. Recent weeks, I feel more positive and try not to dwell on this issue too much though I won’t know when is the next mood swing going to hit on me…
When you said you could go out with different men….how do you get to know them? Are they new to you or are they your existing friends? Problem for me is, need to know new men before talk about having the chance to go out with them.
“It makes me feel like I am being "judged" for my suitability as a partner more than being known and discovered as an individual. I also believe that without the emotional burden of trying to find a partner, I will be able to get to know someone really well be known, and utterly enjoy the experience of human interaction.â€
Very true! Always feel that is a very ‘forced environment’ especially speed dating. Wonder did those dating organizers ever really try to find out do the participants really enjoy this approach of knowing one another. You ask for the sake of asking/talking in that short 3 mins before the next guy move over. Basically you repeat the same questions and give the same answers in that half an hour to a few different guys whom you can’t remember whose names matches to which guy and all their replies to the questions asked!
sgbabydoll
Active Member
Hey, Fingers, I think I know what you meant by the mood swing thing. I had to make a lot of adjustments being single after a divorce and then the closure of a previous relationship. There were times that I felt lonely and certainly down, but I tried to keep my spirit and mood up by occupying my free time with activities. It wasn't easy but I had learned to deal with it as and when it hit.
How to get to know men? Most of them are colleagues, existing friends or friends' friend. I just went out without expectations, more like spending some free time I had on hand or just to socialise with people.
I have another example of letting love find you. My brother and sister-in-law met in a most unlikely situation - during clubbing. Both were not even clubbers but happened to follow their respective friend out one night to clubbing. So, two groups of people met and became friends because of the friendship between two old friends who wanted to meet up, and they just brought along their respective friends to the meet-up. Over time, my brother and sister-in-law fell in love with each other. Nice, right?
How to get to know men? Most of them are colleagues, existing friends or friends' friend. I just went out without expectations, more like spending some free time I had on hand or just to socialise with people.
I have another example of letting love find you. My brother and sister-in-law met in a most unlikely situation - during clubbing. Both were not even clubbers but happened to follow their respective friend out one night to clubbing. So, two groups of people met and became friends because of the friendship between two old friends who wanted to meet up, and they just brought along their respective friends to the meet-up. Over time, my brother and sister-in-law fell in love with each other. Nice, right?
green_tranquility
New Member
Doll,
It seems fate brings your brother & sil together!
Fingers,
Agree that speeddating is too rush to know the other party better. I find joining lunch, dinner, hobby activities give more chances to ppl to mingle around.
It seems fate brings your brother & sil together!
Fingers,
Agree that speeddating is too rush to know the other party better. I find joining lunch, dinner, hobby activities give more chances to ppl to mingle around.
doll: it is a blessing to find your soulmate, as u said å¯é‡ä¸å¯æ±‚. it just happens unexpectedly- especially in the case of your bro & SIL.
I will stay positive and find activities to join, instead of lazing at home
Unlikely to know any frens if stay at home ...It is always nice to know more frens. can hang out chit chat or window shop
weekends are here! enjoy!
I will stay positive and find activities to join, instead of lazing at home
Unlikely to know any frens if stay at home ...It is always nice to know more frens. can hang out chit chat or window shop
weekends are here! enjoy!
sgbabydoll
Active Member
Yes, I agree that it is good to know more people. Just enjoy yourself in the things that you do or any activity that you are involved in, and don't give yourself stress that you must find your other half.
Finally an essay that is "for" singles.
July 27, 2008
My singular existence
Promoting marriage and babies is for the national good, we all know that, but <u>why do singles have to be short-changed?</u>
By Sumiko Tan
Okay, so here we go again.
Marriage and making babies are back in the news. <font color="aa00aa">It's enough to make a single person weep.</font>
Every couple of years, the problem of Singapore not having enough babies will be resurrected and the nation will plunge into another period of soul-searching.
The Government will then announce a raft of fresh incentives to get Singaporeans to marry and have kids, and the matter will rest for a bit.
But clearly the measures don't really work because the issue will invariably get another airing, as it has in recent weeks. This time, the Government is looking at free childcare and paid paternity leave.
In 1983, the Great Marriage Debate - the one where men were encouraged not to ignore graduate women - took place.
I was in university then and at my reproductive peak, although I wasn't ready for marriage.
Fast forward 25 years and I'm still unmarried, although no longer at my biological best, baby-wise.
Maybe I'm getting querulous as I grow older, but all this talk about incentives to promote procreation makes me see red.
It's not that I don't grasp the big picture and the need for babies. I do.
It's not even that I'm not fond of children. I am. I even wish I had my own.
Neither am I unsympathetic to the heavy load of working parents. As a boss, I've been understanding to colleagues who need time off to tend to kids-related emergencies.
It's just that measures rewarding marriage and parenthood can smack of singlism.
Singlism? Yes, it's a word that's been concocted to depict the negative stereotypes and discrimination against people who are unmarried.
While the term includes folks who are divorced and widowed, it applies mostly to those like me who have never walked down the aisle (or whatever else people do in the name of getting hitched).
Singles are single for different reasons. Some want to be married but can't find a partner. Others genuinely prefer the unmarried lifestyle. There are also those who have a partner (and might be living with him or her, too) but don't see the need to marry, or can't marry - gays and lesbians come to mind.
Unlike other forms of discrimination like racism and sexism, singlism is not overt, which makes it all the more invidious.
Prejudices have in fact become so ingrained that one doesn't bat an eyelid at them. The thinking goes: If singles are slighted, too bad, it's their problem for being ultra-sensitive, not society's fault for being insensitive.
Singlism happens in the way singles are perceived as some alien life form.
A poll of 1,000 undergraduates in the United States found that most of them viewed singles in a negative light: immature, insecure, self-centred, lonely, ugly and prone to envy were words most used to describe people like me. Married people were seen as honest, caring and kind.
Singlism happens when people pass patronising comments about your single status and, worse, think there's nothing wrong with that.
As an article on the Internet notes, how would married people feel if the tables were turned? How would they like it if, upon announcing that they are getting married, they get pitiful looks and remarks like: 'Hey, don't worry, your turn to divorce will come soon.'
But, ah well, we singles have long learnt that names shouldn't hurt us.
But institutionalised forms of singlism do. You see it in the workplace where singles have to cover for married colleagues when they need time off because baby has a fever, the maid's run off or there's a parent-teacher event to attend.
When it comes to taking leave in June and December, parents get priority because we can't deprive them of the school holidays, can we?
In companies with shift, night and weekend work, it's often the singles who are rostered for these slots. After all, the thinking goes, singles don't have much of a life outside the office anyway.
When colleagues go on maternity leave or switch to part-time work, singles pick up the slack - for the same pay.
In one company I know, long-service employees get a paid-for trip as a reward.
Thing is, married employees can take their spouse or child along, with the company footing their bill. But singles aren't allowed to take along a boyfriend, girlfriend or <u>parent</u>. The difference in benefits? About $1,500. Not a great sum but, oh, the unfairness of it all.
Housing perks and tax reliefs remain perennial sticking points.
Yes, the Government has liberalised housing rules by a lot and singles can now buy resale HDB flats of any size when they turn 35.
<font color="aa00aa">But singles still can't buy new, subsidised HDB flats, which are way cheaper than resale ones. And this despite how, at one stage, HDB had so many unsold flats to get rid of.</font>
As a single friend put it, it's like the Government is telling you: Even if we can't sell the flats, we don't want you to have them.
<font color="aa00aa">How does that make us feel, especially those who can't afford to pay open market prices for resale flats?</font>
Things get even more hurtful when it comes to tax relief for the foreign maid levy.
The relief is open only to married women (note: the rules don't even say they have to be mothers; just married) and women who are separated, divorced or widowed and living with their children.
Singles and males aren't eligible because the scheme is meant to 'encourage married women to remain in the workforce after having children and to encourage procreation'.
This means singles get no respite even if the only reason they hire a maid is to help look after their aged parents.
Do singles matter so little? Don't we perform a family function too? Would it cost the Government much to allow us to claim tax relief in this instance?
Everyone knows that when it comes to looking after aged parents, it's always the unmarried sibling who gets lumped with the heaviest load.
Besides, so many of us are also contributing to the welfare of our nieces and nephews, paying for their 'enrichment' classes and whatnot. We are part of family units too.
So much is already being done to promote procreation that one wonders just what else the Government has in store.
What makes it harder for singles to stomach is how some parents clamour for even more help, whether it is more money from the state or more 'family-friendly' practices at work.
For goodness' sake, parenthood comes with responsibilities and sacrifices. Live with it. And isn't it enough that you have children who should be reward in themselves?
We haven't heard the last of marriage and babies and I doubt we ever will.
<font color="aa00aa">It'll just be nice that in the debate to come, singles will get their recognition and due.</font>
July 27, 2008
My singular existence
Promoting marriage and babies is for the national good, we all know that, but <u>why do singles have to be short-changed?</u>
By Sumiko Tan
Okay, so here we go again.
Marriage and making babies are back in the news. <font color="aa00aa">It's enough to make a single person weep.</font>
Every couple of years, the problem of Singapore not having enough babies will be resurrected and the nation will plunge into another period of soul-searching.
The Government will then announce a raft of fresh incentives to get Singaporeans to marry and have kids, and the matter will rest for a bit.
But clearly the measures don't really work because the issue will invariably get another airing, as it has in recent weeks. This time, the Government is looking at free childcare and paid paternity leave.
In 1983, the Great Marriage Debate - the one where men were encouraged not to ignore graduate women - took place.
I was in university then and at my reproductive peak, although I wasn't ready for marriage.
Fast forward 25 years and I'm still unmarried, although no longer at my biological best, baby-wise.
Maybe I'm getting querulous as I grow older, but all this talk about incentives to promote procreation makes me see red.
It's not that I don't grasp the big picture and the need for babies. I do.
It's not even that I'm not fond of children. I am. I even wish I had my own.
Neither am I unsympathetic to the heavy load of working parents. As a boss, I've been understanding to colleagues who need time off to tend to kids-related emergencies.
It's just that measures rewarding marriage and parenthood can smack of singlism.
Singlism? Yes, it's a word that's been concocted to depict the negative stereotypes and discrimination against people who are unmarried.
While the term includes folks who are divorced and widowed, it applies mostly to those like me who have never walked down the aisle (or whatever else people do in the name of getting hitched).
Singles are single for different reasons. Some want to be married but can't find a partner. Others genuinely prefer the unmarried lifestyle. There are also those who have a partner (and might be living with him or her, too) but don't see the need to marry, or can't marry - gays and lesbians come to mind.
Unlike other forms of discrimination like racism and sexism, singlism is not overt, which makes it all the more invidious.
Prejudices have in fact become so ingrained that one doesn't bat an eyelid at them. The thinking goes: If singles are slighted, too bad, it's their problem for being ultra-sensitive, not society's fault for being insensitive.
Singlism happens in the way singles are perceived as some alien life form.
A poll of 1,000 undergraduates in the United States found that most of them viewed singles in a negative light: immature, insecure, self-centred, lonely, ugly and prone to envy were words most used to describe people like me. Married people were seen as honest, caring and kind.
Singlism happens when people pass patronising comments about your single status and, worse, think there's nothing wrong with that.
As an article on the Internet notes, how would married people feel if the tables were turned? How would they like it if, upon announcing that they are getting married, they get pitiful looks and remarks like: 'Hey, don't worry, your turn to divorce will come soon.'
But, ah well, we singles have long learnt that names shouldn't hurt us.
But institutionalised forms of singlism do. You see it in the workplace where singles have to cover for married colleagues when they need time off because baby has a fever, the maid's run off or there's a parent-teacher event to attend.
When it comes to taking leave in June and December, parents get priority because we can't deprive them of the school holidays, can we?
In companies with shift, night and weekend work, it's often the singles who are rostered for these slots. After all, the thinking goes, singles don't have much of a life outside the office anyway.
When colleagues go on maternity leave or switch to part-time work, singles pick up the slack - for the same pay.
In one company I know, long-service employees get a paid-for trip as a reward.
Thing is, married employees can take their spouse or child along, with the company footing their bill. But singles aren't allowed to take along a boyfriend, girlfriend or <u>parent</u>. The difference in benefits? About $1,500. Not a great sum but, oh, the unfairness of it all.
Housing perks and tax reliefs remain perennial sticking points.
Yes, the Government has liberalised housing rules by a lot and singles can now buy resale HDB flats of any size when they turn 35.
<font color="aa00aa">But singles still can't buy new, subsidised HDB flats, which are way cheaper than resale ones. And this despite how, at one stage, HDB had so many unsold flats to get rid of.</font>
As a single friend put it, it's like the Government is telling you: Even if we can't sell the flats, we don't want you to have them.
<font color="aa00aa">How does that make us feel, especially those who can't afford to pay open market prices for resale flats?</font>
Things get even more hurtful when it comes to tax relief for the foreign maid levy.
The relief is open only to married women (note: the rules don't even say they have to be mothers; just married) and women who are separated, divorced or widowed and living with their children.
Singles and males aren't eligible because the scheme is meant to 'encourage married women to remain in the workforce after having children and to encourage procreation'.
This means singles get no respite even if the only reason they hire a maid is to help look after their aged parents.
Do singles matter so little? Don't we perform a family function too? Would it cost the Government much to allow us to claim tax relief in this instance?
Everyone knows that when it comes to looking after aged parents, it's always the unmarried sibling who gets lumped with the heaviest load.
Besides, so many of us are also contributing to the welfare of our nieces and nephews, paying for their 'enrichment' classes and whatnot. We are part of family units too.
So much is already being done to promote procreation that one wonders just what else the Government has in store.
What makes it harder for singles to stomach is how some parents clamour for even more help, whether it is more money from the state or more 'family-friendly' practices at work.
For goodness' sake, parenthood comes with responsibilities and sacrifices. Live with it. And isn't it enough that you have children who should be reward in themselves?
We haven't heard the last of marriage and babies and I doubt we ever will.
<font color="aa00aa">It'll just be nice that in the debate to come, singles will get their recognition and due.</font>
glorynlove
New Member
Yes i read this article...i always look forward to reading Sumiko's article.
SgSingle, sometimes if you look ard, you would realise you're not alone. Then probably you wont feel so stressed to wanna find your other half so soon. Life can be as meaningful as being single. Being in a relationship is never easy and unless you really find that special someone, i feel you shouldnt just get attached for the sake ya?
SgSingle, sometimes if you look ard, you would realise you're not alone. Then probably you wont feel so stressed to wanna find your other half so soon. Life can be as meaningful as being single. Being in a relationship is never easy and unless you really find that special someone, i feel you shouldnt just get attached for the sake ya?
pazzion: appreciate your words of encouragement
indeed being in a relationship isnt easy due to different viewpoints, background etc.
sometimes I cant help feeling tingle of envy when frens talk abt their husbands etc..
Usually I am fine doing things on my own eg going to library or window shop etc.
My fren just told me she found out her (ex)bf two-timed her... I dint probe much...Will talking helps to lessen the pain? Or avoid the topic altogether? personally i dun like people to probe why things dun work out etc... If I feel close to that fren, i wld auto tell...
sometimes I cant help feeling tingle of envy when frens talk abt their husbands etc..
Usually I am fine doing things on my own eg going to library or window shop etc.
My fren just told me she found out her (ex)bf two-timed her... I dint probe much...Will talking helps to lessen the pain? Or avoid the topic altogether? personally i dun like people to probe why things dun work out etc... If I feel close to that fren, i wld auto tell...
sgsingle: u can email me at <[email protected]>
Many many many many years ago, i stumbled on The Rules Book. I practised it. Went on my 1st date, & married him years later.
http://www.therulesbook.com/
Try it. It works.
http://www.therulesbook.com/
Try it. It works.
muzik_luver
New Member
Hi Sgsingle / Sunflower / Dawn Goh
I can certainly understand the urgency for ladies hoping to get hitched before turning 30.
But fret not....I'm sure single guys in their late 30's or even early 40s would see gals like yourselves as potential wives. Personally, don't think any guy would wanna marry a gal whose age gap is too wide. And like the chinese saying goes:...yuan fen yi dao, dang ye dang bu liao. I'm sure love will come knocking at your door someday.
I've personally never participated in any SDU activities. Heard from a reservist friend that the speed dating which he participated wasn't very good...too short to really get to know the other parties.
An idea for getting to know more male friends is to get to know the fellow single gals over here and arrange a group date with another group of single guys. Group dating should be less stressful and it gives u a chance to mingle and know the guys better...which will hopefully result in u finding your soul mate.
I can certainly understand the urgency for ladies hoping to get hitched before turning 30.
But fret not....I'm sure single guys in their late 30's or even early 40s would see gals like yourselves as potential wives. Personally, don't think any guy would wanna marry a gal whose age gap is too wide. And like the chinese saying goes:...yuan fen yi dao, dang ye dang bu liao. I'm sure love will come knocking at your door someday.
I've personally never participated in any SDU activities. Heard from a reservist friend that the speed dating which he participated wasn't very good...too short to really get to know the other parties.
An idea for getting to know more male friends is to get to know the fellow single gals over here and arrange a group date with another group of single guys. Group dating should be less stressful and it gives u a chance to mingle and know the guys better...which will hopefully result in u finding your soul mate.
sunflower75
New Member
Muzik, its depressing to know others getting attached and married and then giving birth. Just dont know why i am still single even though i have taken the first step to meet people.
Group dating is fun but i must tell you its so tiring talking about yourself to 10 guys within 1 hr and afterwhich no one keep in touch.
Group dating is fun but i must tell you its so tiring talking about yourself to 10 guys within 1 hr and afterwhich no one keep in touch.
countryroad
New Member
Sunflower, most of my single friends also wonder why they are still single. Not surprisingly, my married friends wish that they are still single because their marriage life is not a bed of roses.
I guess the grass is not greener on the other side. However, i realise that some singles just want to experience marriage life and do not mind the baggage that comes along with it.
If you have done all you could to meet people but without any success, that does not mean something is wrong with you or them. I guess no matter what, just be comfortable being single, and that means doing things alone and leave that thought of looking for the SO at the back of your mind..... and you MIGHT find him when you least expect it.
After all, let's not give in to this success-oriented society, when we judge someone whether he/she is married and the number of kids!
I guess the grass is not greener on the other side. However, i realise that some singles just want to experience marriage life and do not mind the baggage that comes along with it.
If you have done all you could to meet people but without any success, that does not mean something is wrong with you or them. I guess no matter what, just be comfortable being single, and that means doing things alone and leave that thought of looking for the SO at the back of your mind..... and you MIGHT find him when you least expect it.
After all, let's not give in to this success-oriented society, when we judge someone whether he/she is married and the number of kids!
lonely_desire78
Member
I ever particpated in some speed dating events before. Its like what the rest of the forumers have said... "tiring to keep repeating the same over and over again."
SDU and those dating companies haven't really done a good job at getting people together. The feeling they gave me was that they were trying to make money... that was just about what they were after.
I tried to date some gals from my ex work place. Sometimes, not easy. Its always about two persons willing to come together. A lot of times, younger girls are not necessarily better. Though I'm hitting 30 soon, I really dun mind considering an older partner.
Fact is that a more mature lady has seen more and is more emotionally stable and mature. Whats the pt of courting a prettier younger fun loving girl, when the end result (not too long into the foreseeable future) is break up. I seen through a lot. Beauty is skin deep, though we are undeniably inclined towards beautiful and attractive stuff...
Each break up numbs the feelings. Just like the callous on our feet. Each tormentous trek = more callous and numbness.
Singlehood is not that bad, if there is enough stuff to be busy over. When the stuff are done, the loneliness comes back again. :|
SDU and those dating companies haven't really done a good job at getting people together. The feeling they gave me was that they were trying to make money... that was just about what they were after.
I tried to date some gals from my ex work place. Sometimes, not easy. Its always about two persons willing to come together. A lot of times, younger girls are not necessarily better. Though I'm hitting 30 soon, I really dun mind considering an older partner.
Fact is that a more mature lady has seen more and is more emotionally stable and mature. Whats the pt of courting a prettier younger fun loving girl, when the end result (not too long into the foreseeable future) is break up. I seen through a lot. Beauty is skin deep, though we are undeniably inclined towards beautiful and attractive stuff...
Each break up numbs the feelings. Just like the callous on our feet. Each tormentous trek = more callous and numbness.
Singlehood is not that bad, if there is enough stuff to be busy over. When the stuff are done, the loneliness comes back again. :|
muzik_luver
New Member
Hi Sunflower
Despair not. Like what countryroad said, the grass always looks greener on the other side of the pasture. I'm sure marriage life has its own problems too, so count your blessings.
Perhaps u can ask yourself if there are ways which u can appear more attractive to the opposition sex, be it in terms of your confidence, dressing, grooming(make-up, etc), poise and carriage, etc. I'm sure improvement in these areas should help.
Despair not. Like what countryroad said, the grass always looks greener on the other side of the pasture. I'm sure marriage life has its own problems too, so count your blessings.
Perhaps u can ask yourself if there are ways which u can appear more attractive to the opposition sex, be it in terms of your confidence, dressing, grooming(make-up, etc), poise and carriage, etc. I'm sure improvement in these areas should help.
sgbabydoll
Active Member
Cheong Suk-Wai is The Straits Times' Assistant Foreign Editor. She is 37 years old.
==================
The Sunday Times
31 Aug 2008
Finding my mate for life
By Cheong Suk-Wai
When my boyfriend Indra and I went up to Edinburgh to spend the final days of summer last weekend, the last thing I imagined we would be doing in the Scottish capital was climb a hill 200m above sea level.
Ah, but then I had reckoned without my self-styled Nepali 'mountain man', who hopped and skipped his way up the city's Salisbury Crags while I could only crawl like a crab after him.
As I clutched clusters of wild grass to gain a foothold here and there, he teased: 'You cannot be Mrs Gurung if you don't make it up here. This is a simple trail, really.'
How about I hang you upside down from this cliff, I thought before calling out to him: 'After all that we have been through, do you think a hill can stop me?'
But then kind and tender Indra had a point, because I watched toddlers, grandmothers and sheepdogs clamber past me without much ado. And he could not have known that I have such a fear of heights, I still cannot bring myself to climb the steps of an overhead bridge.
But love wills one to dare for the sake of others. And so it was that an hour or so later, I found myself full of joy just gazing at Indra running barefoot through the grass at the summit and then rolling about in it.
'Gosh, now I can feel earth under my feet after three years,' said this man, who was a Himalayan trek guide before he became a business journalist.
The son of farmers in Nepal's central district of Sindhuli, he would walk unshod through his parents' padi fields until the daily grind of being a reporter in Kathmandu put paid to such bliss.
How we went from being coursemates to companions for life in nine weeks is a miracle which even my mind at its liveliest could not have dreamt up. But somewhere between our early chats in the laundrette and later walks along the river, we came to see that we were born to care for each other.
He takes apples to class every day so I, who cannot eat sugar, will always have something to snack on and not be left out when tutors and coursemates pass cake and cookies around.
And I, the gal who used to burn even soup, am now stewing and stir-frying our evening meals like the best of them.
Of course, ours is a young love and as Indra puts it, we could not have the days without the nights. Thus are we braced for the struggles and sorrows to come, not least during the months we will have to be apart until we settle our separate lives so we can then be as one.
Can we be as one for better or worse, you ask? Well, in our first fortnight in Cardiff, we saw each other, bleary-eyed, scowly and in rumpled pyjamas, many times after we had to run out of our apartment block because the ultra-sensitive fire alarm kept going off past midnight.
We're still here, together.
For richer or poorer? Neither of us has very much to call our own, but then neither of us wants very much really, to begin with.
In sickness and in health? When I had sunstroke after insisting on lying in the long grass atop Salisbury Crags, Indra's ministering had me up and moving on before long.
And a few hours later, when all that running barefoot through squelchy grassland gave Indra a fever, I prayed for long minutes as I sponged him with ice-cold water from our hostel tap. His fever soon cooled.
Till death do us part? He knows how close I have come to leaving this world in the past eight months. I know how hard he is hurting from a recent road accident. We are taking it a day at a time.
My mother has SMSed me to say she loves Indra's laugh. I have only heard his mother's warm, feisty voice over the phone, but I love her already.
So, blessed by our respective families, we are getting engaged today, with our closest coursemates looking on.
Wish us luck, won't you?
==================
The Sunday Times
31 Aug 2008
Finding my mate for life
By Cheong Suk-Wai
When my boyfriend Indra and I went up to Edinburgh to spend the final days of summer last weekend, the last thing I imagined we would be doing in the Scottish capital was climb a hill 200m above sea level.
Ah, but then I had reckoned without my self-styled Nepali 'mountain man', who hopped and skipped his way up the city's Salisbury Crags while I could only crawl like a crab after him.
As I clutched clusters of wild grass to gain a foothold here and there, he teased: 'You cannot be Mrs Gurung if you don't make it up here. This is a simple trail, really.'
How about I hang you upside down from this cliff, I thought before calling out to him: 'After all that we have been through, do you think a hill can stop me?'
But then kind and tender Indra had a point, because I watched toddlers, grandmothers and sheepdogs clamber past me without much ado. And he could not have known that I have such a fear of heights, I still cannot bring myself to climb the steps of an overhead bridge.
But love wills one to dare for the sake of others. And so it was that an hour or so later, I found myself full of joy just gazing at Indra running barefoot through the grass at the summit and then rolling about in it.
'Gosh, now I can feel earth under my feet after three years,' said this man, who was a Himalayan trek guide before he became a business journalist.
The son of farmers in Nepal's central district of Sindhuli, he would walk unshod through his parents' padi fields until the daily grind of being a reporter in Kathmandu put paid to such bliss.
How we went from being coursemates to companions for life in nine weeks is a miracle which even my mind at its liveliest could not have dreamt up. But somewhere between our early chats in the laundrette and later walks along the river, we came to see that we were born to care for each other.
He takes apples to class every day so I, who cannot eat sugar, will always have something to snack on and not be left out when tutors and coursemates pass cake and cookies around.
And I, the gal who used to burn even soup, am now stewing and stir-frying our evening meals like the best of them.
Of course, ours is a young love and as Indra puts it, we could not have the days without the nights. Thus are we braced for the struggles and sorrows to come, not least during the months we will have to be apart until we settle our separate lives so we can then be as one.
Can we be as one for better or worse, you ask? Well, in our first fortnight in Cardiff, we saw each other, bleary-eyed, scowly and in rumpled pyjamas, many times after we had to run out of our apartment block because the ultra-sensitive fire alarm kept going off past midnight.
We're still here, together.
For richer or poorer? Neither of us has very much to call our own, but then neither of us wants very much really, to begin with.
In sickness and in health? When I had sunstroke after insisting on lying in the long grass atop Salisbury Crags, Indra's ministering had me up and moving on before long.
And a few hours later, when all that running barefoot through squelchy grassland gave Indra a fever, I prayed for long minutes as I sponged him with ice-cold water from our hostel tap. His fever soon cooled.
Till death do us part? He knows how close I have come to leaving this world in the past eight months. I know how hard he is hurting from a recent road accident. We are taking it a day at a time.
My mother has SMSed me to say she loves Indra's laugh. I have only heard his mother's warm, feisty voice over the phone, but I love her already.
So, blessed by our respective families, we are getting engaged today, with our closest coursemates looking on.
Wish us luck, won't you?
sgbabydoll
Active Member
Fingers, looks wise, I would say she is normal, if you are wondering about that too
Doll, no lar...never wonder about her look cos they also have a small picture of the author within the written article...
Did you notice though not always the case, mature couples usually tie the knot within shorter courtship period...mayb it's due to the fact that they are more aware of what they expect of each other?
Will you consider marriage again?
Did you notice though not always the case, mature couples usually tie the knot within shorter courtship period...mayb it's due to the fact that they are more aware of what they expect of each other?
Will you consider marriage again?
sgbabydoll
Active Member
Hi Fingers
I agree with your observation that mature couples can walk down the aisle within shorter courtship period. Just wish to add that they are also emotionally and financially more ready to settle down for marriage, with realistic expectations about their partner. Your focus would be in the marriage and the person you are marrying, not the wedding.
As for your other question, my answer is yes, I would consider marriage not only because he's a wonderful guy, there is also much compatibility that I could imagine the kind of synergies we will have in a marriage. Very fortunately, he shares the same thoughts too. But we are not rushing into marriage as we are confident that this will happen in the future. Meanwhile, we are focusing in other aspects of our lives both individually and as a couple, and the relationship strengthens as the day goes by. We enjoy each other's company as we learn more about each other.
Before I met my partner, I didn't think about remarriage. In fact, I was not for remarriage though not against it entirely. Guess when you meet the right person you will think of marriage naturally. Somehow.
I agree with your observation that mature couples can walk down the aisle within shorter courtship period. Just wish to add that they are also emotionally and financially more ready to settle down for marriage, with realistic expectations about their partner. Your focus would be in the marriage and the person you are marrying, not the wedding.
As for your other question, my answer is yes, I would consider marriage not only because he's a wonderful guy, there is also much compatibility that I could imagine the kind of synergies we will have in a marriage. Very fortunately, he shares the same thoughts too. But we are not rushing into marriage as we are confident that this will happen in the future. Meanwhile, we are focusing in other aspects of our lives both individually and as a couple, and the relationship strengthens as the day goes by. We enjoy each other's company as we learn more about each other.
Before I met my partner, I didn't think about remarriage. In fact, I was not for remarriage though not against it entirely. Guess when you meet the right person you will think of marriage naturally. Somehow.
doll,
it sounds that you are really happy in this relationship and it is amazing how things work out for you.
i have been wondering how come some relationships work out so smoothy as in both parties have sense of security and faith that relationship will work out. daily or frequent communication plays an important part rite?
it sounds that you are really happy in this relationship and it is amazing how things work out for you.
sgbabydoll
Active Member
Fingers, I must add that it is not easy for people in 30-something and above to fall in love. Chances are we have been through a few relationships or even a marriage. But if and when we do meet the right person, we will want to love and be loved again.
Sgsingle, I don't really have an answer to your question...I personally think chemistry counts alot too. We meet many members of the opposite gender day in, day out, everywhere, anywhere. But we only feel we are able to make a mutual connection with possibly a few only.
Open communication certainly is a main ingredient of a fulfilling relationship.
Sgsingle, I don't really have an answer to your question...I personally think chemistry counts alot too. We meet many members of the opposite gender day in, day out, everywhere, anywhere. But we only feel we are able to make a mutual connection with possibly a few only.
Open communication certainly is a main ingredient of a fulfilling relationship.
sgbabydoll
Active Member
Do you think as we grow older, we become more selective of a partner?
sgbabydoll
Active Member
Angel8ish, I think it is best that we keep an open mind as we journey in life
Don't rule out any possibility and do keep a positive outlook generally. Whether alone or with a special someone, our lives can still be meaningful either way.
studentoflife
New Member
yes. never Say never
sgbabydoll
Active Member
MM LEE AT NUSS DIALOGUE
Babies, women and foreigners
These are edited extracts from Minister Mentor Lee Kuan Yew's dialogue with the National University of Singapore Society
ON SINGAPORE'S BABY DEARTH AND IMPORT OF FOREIGNERS
Thirty-three per cent of Singapore men don't marry. I don't know why. They are happy with singlehood. They are happy with relationships. Relationships carry no burden. Is that good for society? I don't think so...
Without new citizens and permanent residents, we are going to be the last of the Mohicans. We will disappear. Fortunately our standard of living and quality of life can attract people, but it creates problems for us.
We get feedback: 'I go to the kopitiam and the fellow there doesn't speak English.' But if he wasn't doing the cleaning, and the owner hadn't brought in the cooks, that kopitiam would've gone out of business.
You watch how they work, watch how their children are sweating their guts out learning English. In schools, the top few are top Indians and bright Chinese.
The Singapore father and mother say: 'Look, you bring all these kids in; our children are going to have a tougher time.' But would you rather have them competing against you or with you as part of your team?
We got to make this breakthrough internally. If we don't make the 2.1 (population replacement ratio), we will always be dependent. In 30 to 50 years' time, the Chinese cities will offer conditions as good as Singapore.
Twenty-five years from now, Singapore will be more cosmopolitan...We already have European children doing National Service. Many of our women are marrying Caucasian men...The second generation will speak like us, behave like us, culturally they'll be part of us. But ethnically they will be more diverse. (The same thing is) happening all over the world. Only in Japan they don't want foreigners.
ON THE ROLE OF WOMEN
MY WIFE was already not a traditional wife. She was educated, a professional woman, working. We had those ah mahs, reliable, professional, dependable. She used to come back every lunchtime to have lunch with the children.
Today we are trying very hard to make it possible for parents and married children to live nearby. We've got a new generation that doesn't want parents living with them. If they are living nearby, you bring your child and maid to grandma, you will be sure grandma will make sure the maid will look after the child properly.
ON SINGLES
IT'S becoming a lifestyle choice, once you are past 30 and you've enjoyed singlehood. My daughter is one of them. What can I do? When she was in her early 30s, she said: 'Look, never mind all this'. My wife used to tell her, what you want is a Mrs (to your name). She did not think it was funny.
Now she is 50-plus, her mother is bedridden, I'm getting on, I've got this big rambling house. Everything is looked after. But what happens when we're both not there? Who is going to make sure the maids are doing the right thing?
But she says: 'Don't worry, I'll look after myself.' But she has not been looking after herself all these years. When she went abroad, her cooking was to take the salmon and put it in the microwave. But you can't just do that day after day.
But that's life: It's a choice she has made. It's a choice 30 per cent of our women are making, so who am I to complain except that society lives with the consequences of it.
ON AN ALTERNATIVE TO THE PAP AND TALENT NEEDED IN GOVERNMENT
IF YOU have capable people, I'm not worried. Integrity is crucial. Ability, experience and willingness to do things for the people.
Can we arrange a two-party system so the alternative is as good as the PAP? We have to scour the whole country to find the quality we now have. We are drawing our talent from 3.2 million people. Every year. Let's say we produce, out of our 30,000 babies born, 1,000 outstanding people. Are all of them going to make good? You need character, commitment, drive and you need an ability to connect with people. It's a very tough job.
My generation was a fluke, a stroke of destiny...My generation was a special generation. We had to fight the communists, then we had to go into Malaysia, then we found out Malaysia wanted a Malay Malaysia.
And we had to leave and think of a new system to ensure Singapore could make a living. You have to draw a Cabinet from 3.2 million who can talk to a Chinese Cabinet (minister) drawn from one billion people. Would they listen to us if we were talking gibberish? They talk to us because we make sense.
When you see Shanghai greening up like Singapore, you know they have studied us. And they can do it better than we can. Look at the Beijing Olympics - the greening of Beijing...40 million flower pots, and they had farmers who could make flowers blossom at the right time.
I look at it and say: 'Wow'.
But where did the ideas come from? Tiny Singapore.
But that gives us an entry. You go there and say: 'I'm from Singapore and want to start a business,' and they say: 'Ok'. But you need quality men to be able to connect with them.
Babies, women and foreigners
These are edited extracts from Minister Mentor Lee Kuan Yew's dialogue with the National University of Singapore Society
ON SINGAPORE'S BABY DEARTH AND IMPORT OF FOREIGNERS
Thirty-three per cent of Singapore men don't marry. I don't know why. They are happy with singlehood. They are happy with relationships. Relationships carry no burden. Is that good for society? I don't think so...
Without new citizens and permanent residents, we are going to be the last of the Mohicans. We will disappear. Fortunately our standard of living and quality of life can attract people, but it creates problems for us.
We get feedback: 'I go to the kopitiam and the fellow there doesn't speak English.' But if he wasn't doing the cleaning, and the owner hadn't brought in the cooks, that kopitiam would've gone out of business.
You watch how they work, watch how their children are sweating their guts out learning English. In schools, the top few are top Indians and bright Chinese.
The Singapore father and mother say: 'Look, you bring all these kids in; our children are going to have a tougher time.' But would you rather have them competing against you or with you as part of your team?
We got to make this breakthrough internally. If we don't make the 2.1 (population replacement ratio), we will always be dependent. In 30 to 50 years' time, the Chinese cities will offer conditions as good as Singapore.
Twenty-five years from now, Singapore will be more cosmopolitan...We already have European children doing National Service. Many of our women are marrying Caucasian men...The second generation will speak like us, behave like us, culturally they'll be part of us. But ethnically they will be more diverse. (The same thing is) happening all over the world. Only in Japan they don't want foreigners.
ON THE ROLE OF WOMEN
MY WIFE was already not a traditional wife. She was educated, a professional woman, working. We had those ah mahs, reliable, professional, dependable. She used to come back every lunchtime to have lunch with the children.
Today we are trying very hard to make it possible for parents and married children to live nearby. We've got a new generation that doesn't want parents living with them. If they are living nearby, you bring your child and maid to grandma, you will be sure grandma will make sure the maid will look after the child properly.
ON SINGLES
IT'S becoming a lifestyle choice, once you are past 30 and you've enjoyed singlehood. My daughter is one of them. What can I do? When she was in her early 30s, she said: 'Look, never mind all this'. My wife used to tell her, what you want is a Mrs (to your name). She did not think it was funny.
Now she is 50-plus, her mother is bedridden, I'm getting on, I've got this big rambling house. Everything is looked after. But what happens when we're both not there? Who is going to make sure the maids are doing the right thing?
But she says: 'Don't worry, I'll look after myself.' But she has not been looking after herself all these years. When she went abroad, her cooking was to take the salmon and put it in the microwave. But you can't just do that day after day.
But that's life: It's a choice she has made. It's a choice 30 per cent of our women are making, so who am I to complain except that society lives with the consequences of it.
ON AN ALTERNATIVE TO THE PAP AND TALENT NEEDED IN GOVERNMENT
IF YOU have capable people, I'm not worried. Integrity is crucial. Ability, experience and willingness to do things for the people.
Can we arrange a two-party system so the alternative is as good as the PAP? We have to scour the whole country to find the quality we now have. We are drawing our talent from 3.2 million people. Every year. Let's say we produce, out of our 30,000 babies born, 1,000 outstanding people. Are all of them going to make good? You need character, commitment, drive and you need an ability to connect with people. It's a very tough job.
My generation was a fluke, a stroke of destiny...My generation was a special generation. We had to fight the communists, then we had to go into Malaysia, then we found out Malaysia wanted a Malay Malaysia.
And we had to leave and think of a new system to ensure Singapore could make a living. You have to draw a Cabinet from 3.2 million who can talk to a Chinese Cabinet (minister) drawn from one billion people. Would they listen to us if we were talking gibberish? They talk to us because we make sense.
When you see Shanghai greening up like Singapore, you know they have studied us. And they can do it better than we can. Look at the Beijing Olympics - the greening of Beijing...40 million flower pots, and they had farmers who could make flowers blossom at the right time.
I look at it and say: 'Wow'.
But where did the ideas come from? Tiny Singapore.
But that gives us an entry. You go there and say: 'I'm from Singapore and want to start a business,' and they say: 'Ok'. But you need quality men to be able to connect with them.
sgbabydoll
Active Member
Why I choose to remain single
My parents have a loving relationship, but I knew I could not live my life around a husband
By Lee Wei Ling
My father became prime minister in 1959, when I was just four years old. Inevitably, most people know me as Lee Kuan Yew's daughter.
My every move, every word, is scrutinised and sometimes subject to criticism. One friend said I lived in a glass house. After my father's recent comment on my lack of culinary skills, another observed: 'You live in a house without any walls.' Fortunately, I am not easily embarrassed.
As long as my conscience is clear, what other people say of me does not bother me. Indeed, I am open about my life since the more I try to conceal from the public, the wilder the speculation becomes.
My father said of my mother two weeks ago: 'My wife was...not a traditional wife. She was educated, a professional woman... We had Ah Mahs, reliable, professional, dependable. (My wife) came back every lunchtime to have lunch with the children.'
Actually, my mother was a traditional wife and mother. She was not traditional only in one respect: She was also a professional woman and, for many years, the family's main breadwinner.
One of my mother's proudest possessions is a gold pendant that my father commissioned for her. He had a calligrapher engrave on the pendant the following characters: 'xian qi liang mu' and 'nei xian wai de'.
The first four characters mean virtuous wife and caring mother. The second four mean wise in looking after the family, virtuous in behaviour towards the outside world.
My mother lived her life around my father and, while we were young, around her children. I remember my mother protesting gently once about something my father had asked her to do.
'It is a partnership, dear,' my father urged.
'But it is not an equal partnership,' my mother replied.
The partnership may not have been exactly equal at particular points in time. But over the years, especially after my mother's health deteriorated after she suffered a stroke, my father was the one who took care of her. She clearly indicated she preferred my father's care to that of the doctors', in itself a revelation of the quality of his care.
He remembers her complicated regime of medications. Because she cannot see on the left side of her visual field, he sits on her left during meals. He prompts her to eat the food on the left side of her plate and picks up whatever food her left hand drops on the table.
I have always admired my father for his dedication to Singapore, his determination to do what is right, his courage in standing up to foreigners who try to tell us how to run our country.
But my father was also the eldest son in a typical Peranakan family. He cannot even crack a soft-boiled egg - such things not being expected of men, especially eldest sons, in Peranakan families.
But when my mother's health deteriorated, he readily adjusted his lifestyle to accommodate her, took care of her medications and lived his life around her. I knew how much effort it took him to do all this, and I was surprised that he was able to make the effort.
If my parents have such a loving relationship, why then did I decide to remain single?
Firstly, my mother set the bar too high for me. I could not envisage being the kind of wife and mother she had been.
Secondly, I am temperamentally similar to my father. Indeed, he once said to me: 'You have all my traits - but to such an exaggerated degree that they become a disadvantage in you.'
When my father made that pendant for my mother, he also commissioned one for me. But the words he chose for me were very different from those he chose for my mother.
On one side of my pendant was engraved 'yang jing xu rui', which means to conserve energy and build up strength. On the other side was engraved 'chu lei ba cui', which means to stand out and excel.
The latter was added just for completion. His main message was in the first phrase, telling me, in effect, not to be so intense about so many things in life.
I knew I could not live my life around a husband; nor would I want a husband to live his life around me. Of course, there are any number of variations in marital relationships between those extremes. But there is always a need for spouses to change their behaviour or habits to suit each other. I have always been set in my ways and did not fancy changing my behaviour or lifestyle.
I had my first date when I was 21 years old. He was a doctor in the hospital ward I was posted to. We went out to a dinner party. I noted that the other guests were all rich socialites. I dropped him like a hot potato.
In 2005, while on an African safari with a small group of friends, one of them, Professor C.N. Lee, listed the men who had tried to woo me. There were three besides the first. Two were converted into friends and another, like the first, was dropped.
I am now 54 years old and happily single. In addition to my nuclear family, I have a close circle of friends. Most of my friends are men. But my reputation is such that their female partners would never consider me a threat.
More than 10 years ago, when there was still a slim chance I might have got married, my father told me: 'Your mother and I could be selfish and feel happy that you remain single and can look after us in our old age. But you will be lonely.'
I was not convinced. Better one person feeling lonely than two people miserable because they cannot adapt to each other, I figured.
I do not regret my choice. But I want to end with a warning to young men and women: What works for me may not work for others.
Many years ago, a young single woman asked me about training in neurology in a top US hospital. I advised her to 'grab the opportunity'.
She did and stayed away for eight years. She returned to Singapore in her late 30s and now worries that she may have missed her chance to get married.
Fertility in women drops dramatically with age, and older mothers run the risk of having offspring with congenital abnormalities.
Recent studies show also that advanced paternal age is associated with an increased risk of neurodevelopmental disorders in offspring, such as autism and schizophrenia, not to mention dyslexia and a subtle reduction in intelligence. Men can also suffer from diminished fertility with age although there is wide individual variation.
I would advise young men and women not to delay getting married and having children. I say this not to be politically correct. I say it in all sincerity because I have enjoyed a happy family life as a daughter and a sister, and I see both my brothers enjoying their own families.
My parents have a loving relationship, but I knew I could not live my life around a husband
By Lee Wei Ling
My father became prime minister in 1959, when I was just four years old. Inevitably, most people know me as Lee Kuan Yew's daughter.
My every move, every word, is scrutinised and sometimes subject to criticism. One friend said I lived in a glass house. After my father's recent comment on my lack of culinary skills, another observed: 'You live in a house without any walls.' Fortunately, I am not easily embarrassed.
As long as my conscience is clear, what other people say of me does not bother me. Indeed, I am open about my life since the more I try to conceal from the public, the wilder the speculation becomes.
My father said of my mother two weeks ago: 'My wife was...not a traditional wife. She was educated, a professional woman... We had Ah Mahs, reliable, professional, dependable. (My wife) came back every lunchtime to have lunch with the children.'
Actually, my mother was a traditional wife and mother. She was not traditional only in one respect: She was also a professional woman and, for many years, the family's main breadwinner.
One of my mother's proudest possessions is a gold pendant that my father commissioned for her. He had a calligrapher engrave on the pendant the following characters: 'xian qi liang mu' and 'nei xian wai de'.
The first four characters mean virtuous wife and caring mother. The second four mean wise in looking after the family, virtuous in behaviour towards the outside world.
My mother lived her life around my father and, while we were young, around her children. I remember my mother protesting gently once about something my father had asked her to do.
'It is a partnership, dear,' my father urged.
'But it is not an equal partnership,' my mother replied.
The partnership may not have been exactly equal at particular points in time. But over the years, especially after my mother's health deteriorated after she suffered a stroke, my father was the one who took care of her. She clearly indicated she preferred my father's care to that of the doctors', in itself a revelation of the quality of his care.
He remembers her complicated regime of medications. Because she cannot see on the left side of her visual field, he sits on her left during meals. He prompts her to eat the food on the left side of her plate and picks up whatever food her left hand drops on the table.
I have always admired my father for his dedication to Singapore, his determination to do what is right, his courage in standing up to foreigners who try to tell us how to run our country.
But my father was also the eldest son in a typical Peranakan family. He cannot even crack a soft-boiled egg - such things not being expected of men, especially eldest sons, in Peranakan families.
But when my mother's health deteriorated, he readily adjusted his lifestyle to accommodate her, took care of her medications and lived his life around her. I knew how much effort it took him to do all this, and I was surprised that he was able to make the effort.
If my parents have such a loving relationship, why then did I decide to remain single?
Firstly, my mother set the bar too high for me. I could not envisage being the kind of wife and mother she had been.
Secondly, I am temperamentally similar to my father. Indeed, he once said to me: 'You have all my traits - but to such an exaggerated degree that they become a disadvantage in you.'
When my father made that pendant for my mother, he also commissioned one for me. But the words he chose for me were very different from those he chose for my mother.
On one side of my pendant was engraved 'yang jing xu rui', which means to conserve energy and build up strength. On the other side was engraved 'chu lei ba cui', which means to stand out and excel.
The latter was added just for completion. His main message was in the first phrase, telling me, in effect, not to be so intense about so many things in life.
I knew I could not live my life around a husband; nor would I want a husband to live his life around me. Of course, there are any number of variations in marital relationships between those extremes. But there is always a need for spouses to change their behaviour or habits to suit each other. I have always been set in my ways and did not fancy changing my behaviour or lifestyle.
I had my first date when I was 21 years old. He was a doctor in the hospital ward I was posted to. We went out to a dinner party. I noted that the other guests were all rich socialites. I dropped him like a hot potato.
In 2005, while on an African safari with a small group of friends, one of them, Professor C.N. Lee, listed the men who had tried to woo me. There were three besides the first. Two were converted into friends and another, like the first, was dropped.
I am now 54 years old and happily single. In addition to my nuclear family, I have a close circle of friends. Most of my friends are men. But my reputation is such that their female partners would never consider me a threat.
More than 10 years ago, when there was still a slim chance I might have got married, my father told me: 'Your mother and I could be selfish and feel happy that you remain single and can look after us in our old age. But you will be lonely.'
I was not convinced. Better one person feeling lonely than two people miserable because they cannot adapt to each other, I figured.
I do not regret my choice. But I want to end with a warning to young men and women: What works for me may not work for others.
Many years ago, a young single woman asked me about training in neurology in a top US hospital. I advised her to 'grab the opportunity'.
She did and stayed away for eight years. She returned to Singapore in her late 30s and now worries that she may have missed her chance to get married.
Fertility in women drops dramatically with age, and older mothers run the risk of having offspring with congenital abnormalities.
Recent studies show also that advanced paternal age is associated with an increased risk of neurodevelopmental disorders in offspring, such as autism and schizophrenia, not to mention dyslexia and a subtle reduction in intelligence. Men can also suffer from diminished fertility with age although there is wide individual variation.
I would advise young men and women not to delay getting married and having children. I say this not to be politically correct. I say it in all sincerity because I have enjoyed a happy family life as a daughter and a sister, and I see both my brothers enjoying their own families.
i'm in my early 30s, degree holding a stable job, no gamble, no smoke, only the occasional pub gathering with friends, never been in a relationship although i've been waiting for someone who doesn't seem like the reprociate type.
i sometimes wonder how many guys in singapore are in this similar situation.
i sometimes wonder how many guys in singapore are in this similar situation.
sgbabydoll
Active Member
Go read the Ladder Theory? Though it is unproven, it does make some sense.
