Anyone can advise what should i do? Especially guyz.


i hate to say this... but the questions u're asking are all geared towards feeding your denial... u're trying to hold on to thoughts o Hope and Wish...

i dun know how to say it, but the answers coming from sm are not gonna give much light to your issues, only some form of hope perhaps... ie u Need to believe that getting back together is possible.

honestly i think u can get support here to brave thru it, but it won't happen til u are certain u want to. Of cos, i'm hoping for a turnaround, but he seems to already be at the "show-hand" stage...

u think u can take his existence as a Bonus and no longer a Necessity?
 
jj,
It's no point to thought of getting bk together. Why ppl do let go their partner it just becos they both no feeling to each other. Being separation is good for them to cool down & not disturn each other affair. sm is very good example being a good father for their child. at least, his child still able to seeing their mother very frequently.
we must nt be selfish thinking towards our child. let them have a normal child life doing. don quarrel or fighting in front child also. if we love our child we must not let them worry for us.
 
My only advice at this stage is to give him more space and time.. since the feelings he has for you is diminishing by the day.

You might as well plan for yourself - a life without him.. get used to it..

I know it may be tough at this point in time.. and you may think that getting back together is possible.. well it may be possible but don't put your hopes on it.

I was dealing with the wife in the same situation.. I mean, her leaving is what I have accepted long time ago.. hoping that she will return is always there but I am realistic and know that it is a bonus if she returns but I am not putting my hopes and happiness on it.

It may be sad but you got to learn to start to live without his existence.
 
jj,
i'm very understand ur feeling now. Without ur man beside do not mean you can't carry on ur life thr & you really have to be strong in front of ur kids. Did you know ur kids is more needed ur love to them? They still very young & innocent... Ask urself, even today you hold bk ur hubby does it mean ur hubby will not request separate from u for another time? If he do cherish you i'm sure he will do it after overcome or realised... Give him some times to thougts of it. He may give you the ans one of these days. Remember don bang him anymore.
 
my grandpa just pass away on sunday. i told him about it and we need to stay at the wake at night. his first reply was... must stay till very late ah? must go everyday meh? can dun stay too late? then im thinking that's it. he's changed and there's nuttin i can do about it. he still wants to go out at night after the wake. he's not thinking about me at all, just afraid he cant meet whoever the people is/are. so yest first night, he keep asking me to go off early and he go off early to go out.. whole night not home till just now 8.20am told me he's home. not working, drunk. when im leaving for work this morning, i see he's not baack. at that point, really feel that my heart does not ache so much anymore. its like i seem to be giving up on him. call his hp, its off. so i thought that's it. he doesnt want me, why i still want him? so i just went for work and dun really care if he got work or not.

Sorry for saying out my problem. i will not put too much hope in this marriage anymore. like sm, u said, if she returns, its a bonus. i love my children, dont want them to get hurt too. i will put all my attention and love to my two beautiful kids. whether he wants or dun want to think about us, its his problem. he wants to give us up and lead the life of always having problems with the law. im fine with it now. It's his life, he can choose what he wants to do with it.
 
jj,
Glad that you finally realised what he done to you. Try don drag too late since ur child is still young. Life is still carry on... you must show ur love to ur lovely kids. i believe sooner later you can overcome from this bad experinced.
 
rite jj, like what Montaigne said: "Not being able to govern events, I govern myself"

do not go down wif him, stay strong
happy.gif
 
Hi JJ

Some people give themselves up completely when their marriage goes haywired. Others decide on separation or divorce to protect other aspects of their lives such as work and family.

I belong to the latter group. I might not have married for the right reasons but I untied the knots for the right reasons.

My legal divorce was concluded near 2.5 years ago. It was decided after living our lives separately for about 1.5 years even though we were still living under the same roof. I call that emotional divorce.

Today, both of us are doing well individually. I heard from a common friend of ours that he has cleared all his debts, is gainfully employed and seeing a lady. For me, I have moved on too. My performance at work is strong again and consistent; I have become close to my family once again; I have made many new friends and got back in touch with dear old friends; I have learned to forgive and love myself, and still discovering myself; and I am seeing a guy whose company I much enjoy.

JJ, I am not saying that life would automatically straighten out by ending the marriage. It all depends on what you will make sense out of it or even if the decision is to make do with your current situation.

Sometimes it is not a bad thing to get off each other's back or even live separate lives. We just need to do it for the right reasons.
 
JJ: Any possibilities that he might become realli addicted to what he is doing now? However, I am realli glad for you that you have sorted out your thots in one way or another. Gal, he might not be bothered with you / your feelings, i suppose it can be a mutual thing, give him all the "freedom" and "space" that he wants and observe how things proceed from there?
 
JJ, don't be foolish to listen to your hubby. Party all nite for at least 6 days till wee morning? No girls, companions involved? It's bullshit. Did you smell any strong alcohol smell on him? Or no smell or little alcohol smell?

Either to he goes KTV hopping, niteclubs (those hang flowers on those PRC singers), pubs in tanjong pagar/paramount/beach road or stay at his gerfrd's place or at H81s.

I can tell you it's damn fishy and if you dun thrash it out with him, you are at your losing end.
 
Rofthelper, I guess most of us here are suspecting of that as well, but JJ has to overcome her own hurdle before any steps can be taken.. Also, thrashing out can only be taken if JJ is able to face up to the consequences that might follows along.
 
Perhaps u can ask your hubby what other suggestions he himself can think of to maintain your r/s. If he suddenly did something which he usually doesnt, then maybe something have gone wrong or changed somehow somewhere.

U have to voice out your concern to your him and let him undstd. Otherwise its hard for marriage life in future. I undstd that kind of suspicious & insecure mindset ur having.

Marriage is for life, it isnt something to just come and go bcoz of something. Before marriage u both aldy knows the situation clearly, so since decided to move on then maybe think of some solutions instead of seperating.

We are trying to make peace not seperating, unless to the extent that nothing else can helps.
 
Sorry about that, littlewoman. I guess I abit perturbed when I heard abt JJ's case even though I'm a husband as well.

To cut my post short, got alcohol, sure got girls, got alcohol with the accompany of girls, this will ultimately lead to sex, ONS, flings.

Men won't just go for drinkings without women one.

JJ, maybe you ask yourself first. Did you lack of something that your man keep going out and search for it?
 
Rofthelper, I can understand how you feel and I too feel a little disturbed to hear about such things. Have encountered close friends' hubbies behaving in this way and thus ended up with not good results. I guess throughout the whole issue here is that we do hope that JJ can save her marriage and keep her family but like i mentioned in my previous posts, a dateline has to be given so as JJ will not feel that tortured in the long run. She has to spare a thought for her children and she deserved the happiness too. I am not saying that she doesn't get any happiness in her marriage but it seems that things been going downhill and the hubby isn't doing anything.. That's why JJ has to really think carefully on what she wants before laying the cards on the table.
 
rofthelper

"Men won't just go for drinkings without women one. "

I don't agree with this statement although in the case of TS, there could be more than meet the eyes.
 
A shallow statement. I used to go for drinks alone as I like some peace for myself and don't want anything to come between it. I still drink by myself at home now or at times at some quiet places near my place.
 
rofthelper, u sure u are not having ONS all your life? unless u're telling us that u only drink alcoholic drinks with ur wife thus far.

going by what u mentioned, i should have sex with all my female buddies and customers...
the pubs and clubs might as well be declared as an 'open house' for orgies, and Dennis Foo would be labelled as a marriage-wrecker liao....
 
I think business will be damn good walking around clubs with a basket selling condoms to every guy there. Gonna quit my job liao.
 
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz......

then throw in a free stalk of rose on VD si bor?

*$%&(%)%)$&%&@()@!_@#(*$&@)%$_^(@#*%@#&
 
mmm.. I guess Rolfhelper doesn't mean it in that way perhaps? haha.. though this general statement seems to hit/include everyone and shaping people's character in another way.
 
Hei Bee Hiam, I agree with you, guys may need some solace without the presence of women. But most of them time, with the accompany of other guys, looking for women or flings is not common.

Maybe my statement only applies to TS's hubby? Since he went drinking non-stop almost everyday after work.

Sorry that my point of view has stir some emotions
against you guys.



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"Hei Bee Hiam"
A shallow statement. I used to go for drinks alone as I like some peace for myself and don't want anything to come between it. I still drink by myself at home now or at times at some quiet places near my place.

" sm (simpleman)"
I don't agree with this statement although in the case of TS, there could be more than meet the eyes.
 
Hi vios, I should direct my point to KTVs/niteclubs instead, and not pubs/clubs. Anyway ONS happen everyday in these areas. Maybe my statement does not applies to you. My apologies.

vios, I didn't admit or deny that I do not participate in any ONSs, FBs, mass-orgies before. But these happened before my marriage. Even after marriage, I tried to avoid my NS buddies or schoolmates bachelor nites, once-in-a-blue-moon KTVs sessions... because I can't control some temptations happenings in there. In such joints, it can happen and always happen one. I just airing base of my views. Maybe I a horny bastard. Thats why.

===============================================
rofthelper, u sure u are not having ONS all your life? unless u're telling us that u only drink alcoholic drinks with ur wife thus far.

going by what u mentioned, i should have sex with all my female buddies and customers...
the pubs and clubs might as well be declared as an 'open house' for orgies, and Dennis Foo would be labelled as a marriage-wrecker liao....
 
Rolfhelper,

For guys to seek companionship from other guys could be common and also we do not deny the potential of other factors that caused the behaviour of TS husband.

Not jumping the gun under such situations, it would not be surprising for Men or TS husband to be drinking alone if they are facing such problems that require serious thinking and considerations.

Drinking with male groups offers the companionship but often it distract thoughts into other subjects. Hence, it's not surprising and much likely that the TS husband would be seeking his personal solace less he totally put the problem which he face aside.
 
rofthelper,

actually i expected that u'd be one of those who are likely to act on the very thing u're saying... that's why u said what u said. to be honest, not really all guys lah... it's just that u're one of those who are likely to fall for it becos it's so easy rite...

well i've seen many guys fall into temptation, but i've seen as many guys resist. it's not just the environment, those who will fall - will fall in most scenarios Unless u keep them away from social life all the time.

but no arguments on the TS's hubby... cos to go on til wee hours of the morning, there must be some activity or he passes out drunk every nite.
 
Clubbing or drinking till the wee hours for almost everyday in a week - that sounds realli fishy.. and there is more to meet the eye. JJ, is he still like this for these few days?
 
powder, you are rite. Maybe I have repent.... hehe. But as a whole, TS's hubby should not be irresponsible in this manner, especially TS has already given him so much freedom. Obviously he has abused it.

Anyone read an article in "Sin Ming Wan Bao" yesterday? The wife (38yo) has given his husband (50+) green light looking for pros. Really something....
 
HBH, I do not agree with your statement below. With the influence of the alcohol, regardless of "men only" or alone is these premises, I doubt that you can think of anything fruitful. Btw takes everyday till 6am-7am to time meh? It's just an excuse.

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Not jumping the gun under such situations, it would not be surprising for Men or TS husband to be drinking alone if they are facing such problems that require serious thinking and considerations.
 
Like I mentioned, probably but not neccessary. Hence not jumping the gun. Speculations as such is deem as good as all guys visit geylang for prostituition.

Although I do not drink every night, last weekend I was drinking by myself at a different area of the club away from the group and playing pool with a stranger till 5 am in the morning when my wife asked me to return as she's tired.

That's an example of how a person can spend time though, the stranger who played with me was by himself drinking away and still stayed on after I left, gluing to the pool table the entire night.
 
Hmm... Maybe in the 70s. I agree. Now 2009 liao, besides gg for FLs, thai/PRCs legalized pros, or bring FBs for quickies, there's tons of good food, durains, LAN shops, and gambling vices also. Haha

"Speculations as such is deem as good as all guys visit geylang for prostitution."
 
roft, that's not unusual...

there are sex-repulsed ladies who are open to that, the worst kinds are those who are repulsed to sex AND expect hubby to remain faithful. which guy marries into Celibacy for the rest of their lives?

my fren's wife arranges girls for him, whilst another is celibate upon marriage. we act surprised becos we never expect, and nobody talks abt such things... which guy is gonna go drinking with frens and admit that he NEVER had sex with his wife after marriage? which lady is gonna admit to arranging pros for husband simply becos she's not keen? but married they stay... tat's life.

of cos there are many pple who associate ktv-going guys with guaranteed assumptions of sleaze... but i can bet u that 90% of the pple talking have never been to an actual KTV for biz-purposes. so those who go - Go becos they Want to have paid-romance and convenient access. i've spent a decade at top ktvs for biz, i see more guys being conservative than sleazy...

anyway nowadays my frens go ktv for the simplest reason - a place to smoke, drink and tok cok... how many aircon places u know that still allows smoking? the non-smokers have actually driven the smokers to the ktvs... believe or not, whether u find it lame or not... even some of the usual restaurants with private rooms no longer allow smoking... if u're doing Biz, u will not be able to find a place to have a decent cordial meeting with clients Except perhaps - a ktv.

ps: i am totally Off the TS's husband. i'm talking in general...
 
Agree, a simple logic; there are temptations everywhere. It all depends on your own resistance to it? I mean, affairs or flings can happen anywhere such as offices, friends' gatherings at cafe etc etc.. It doesn't only occur in pubs/clubs.. - general statement.
 
hey rofthelper,

i was actually challenging ur assumed rationale on guys' drinking night-outs, wherever u actually meant.
and thanks for clearing that up as u further wrote that it was solely based on your past experience.
 
how much is the fees nowadays? it also depends on my case right? and is it depends on how many appointments i need? im on tight budget. coz once divorced, i need even more money for the kids.he will be out of job so dun think so fast got any maintenance money from him.
 
jj,
You really have to do lots of calculation before decide ur last decision. Being single mum is nt easy as you think. How many years you married with him? If between 3 years you can't fill up divorce but only deep of separartion.i do have contacts with me also.
 
im married with him for 5 years. im really too confused now. i know being a single mum is not easy at all that's why im waiting till now. he doesnt want to make effort now to save our marriage. he only asks me if i can wait for him? but the wait can be 1 month? 1 year? or even 10 years... we duno. i even thought of continuing it, ignore him, do whatever he wants, but at least the kids got a dad. he still cares and plays with the kids on weekends. Some weekday nights he will still fetch us home before going out. now the thing is whether i can accept his daily night outings to wee hours, and not to question whatever he's doing outside.

if im rich... maybe i will just go straight to divorce. but too bad im not, so im still thinking. but i still think its very unfair to me. sorry dun really know what to do except to prepare myself if the worst come.
 
"if im rich... maybe i will just go straight to divorce. but too bad im not, so im still thinking."

Then why do you still want to spend what little you have on hiring PI? What is the objective?
 
it's better to be a single mum than divorce without custody of your kid. Since he is not a responsible father then it a good time to do something.

it's doesn't mean whether u are rich or poor to hire a PI or lawyer. If things needs to be done, then do it.
 
JJ:I find it rather selfish on his side for him to make such a request. He is asking you to wait till the day he is tired of his pubbing or can i assume that he is asking you to wait till the day he is tired of his 2nd life? Most of us believe in patching instead of separating the couples but if he is still behaving in such a way where no efforts are being made to salvage the marriage, he is just causing you more hurt. I can understand that you have to take your children into account in considering the situation but do you think they will be living in a healthy and happy environment if they know that their mum is never happy? What are the range of prices you are looking at, coz with the price quotes, I can ask around for you more practically.
 


"it's doesn't mean whether u are rich or poor to hire a PI or lawyer. If things needs to be done, then do it."

JJ, talk to a lawyer first to understand your rights and the most cost-effective way to apply for a divorce if divorce is what you have decided. A PI won't be able to advise you on that.

When resources are scarce, plan well and use wisely.
 
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