Anyone can advise what should i do? Especially guyz.

W

wishforabetterlife

New Member
Hi all,

just wanna share my problem here. I know decision still lies with me but need to know more advices, comments or anything u can share with me.

For this past 2 months, my husband suddenly changed. He's been gg out drinking till 6plus in the morning every two days. Before that, he do goes out drinking but the most only twice per week and before 4am. Now he can stays out till so late and come only at 6plus 7am just to send my kids to my mum's place before heading work. No sleep at all and then that day he will sleep very early.

DUno what's the sudden change? Our communication level is very low already. Nuttin to talk much . Suspect maybe got another party? as he keeps gg out even on weekends which is always a family day for us.His hp always by his side now. So tempted to check on his hp. Now when he's tired, he can even ask me to go see my kids myself and i dont drive. Before he nvr do that and always we go together to pick the kids.

Ask him but always no answer from him. Always say he no change, still the same him. I know now his work very stressful but why he doesnt want confide with me now? His gang of friends is all either no gf, gg to be divorce or already divorced. Scared he's gg to be influence by them that single life is so much better and fun without reporting to wives.

Im so tired of thinking about him and his change of behaviour everyday. Its really affecting my work too. Keep wondering if there's someone out there comforting him.
im not sure if he's having an affair or whether if he betrayed me. just know definitely there's someone there with him till 6plus in the morning.

I've been trying to talk nicely and hope he opens up coz his work really stress him up recently. I know he doesnt like to be nag on and i dont. He says he's touched to see me do alot things for him but he still wants go out. Cannot give up his night life. I allow him to go out but not to the extent of coming home so late.. i think its like he's not even coming home at all.
 


till now, he's still going out as usual.. now is like almost everyday he went out with duno who.

told him about us drifting apart, he agreed but dun want to do anything. i suggest holidays together, only the two of us. but he dont want and ask if he can go alone? if not, dont ask him anymore about going holiday. suggest marriage counselling, but he dont want, says he can settle his problems himself, no need third party to settle. Can he? he doesnt even want to share with me his problems or things that maybe i did wrong or maybe neglect him, etc... he just doesnt want to open up with me.

Why? From these signs, is there a third party involved?
 
JJ, it is a little hard to conclude things based on suspicions.. May I ask what is your hubby working as? U mention that he was stress up with work etc, but there will be things where it will help him to destress other than night lives? How many kids do you have and how old are they? How long are you married? Hmm.. it indeed sounds a little strange whereby he can club / pub through the night coz he is stress.. I think lacking of rest will cause more irritation to one. Perhaps u might want to observe his behaviour disreetly and if he does get more secretive etc, but at the same time, dun scare yourself unnecessarily during this period..
 
hi lovingyou,

He's working as a project manager in construction line. And im actually working at the same company so i know he might be due to stress. But now its not so stressful already, and he still continues so i know there's more to it. He goes drinking whenever he says he's stressed. he's the one who doesnt like to be at home. he likes to go out and drink, see girls.

we're married for 5 years and got two kids aged 30mths and 18mths only. I also think how come he can club or go pubs till 6am? reach home ard 6.45am almost everyday. Do these pubs really close that late? tot is only up till 5am? I duno how long i can tahan his behaviour like this. its torturing and always wanted to question him but in the end have to hold back.
 
there is a pub that opens till 9am in the morning.. there are clubs that opens till 6am usually...

I dont know abt ur hb, but i have friends who are like that and my ex was like that too.. 1 week drink 6 days and return home at 7am, sometimes 9am. Straight to work after washing up.. they claim this is the only way to de-stress.. after we broke up, my friends told me that they are sick of such routine after sustaining it for like 4months...

you might wana put ur trust in him first and see if he grow sick of this routine after 1 or 2 months?

Just sharing my encounter here, i'm sure the other seniors will have better and more contructive advices and opinions.
 
hi mayimayi,

what if he's with another girl these months? everynight out have this girl, whether if its just them alone or with his group of single friends. Can i still wait 1-2 months? im just afraid if there's new girl, if still give him more time, afraid he might do something foolish. falling strong for that girl or worse, have sex with her. im confused of what to do now. But actually i dun really believe there's no other girl involved. coz dun think his friends everynight also want go out and talk and drink lor..
 
i tot ppl in their 30s or 40s will not club till 6am??? i tot oni ppl in their 20s, still studying will be so tough....

where did they gain their energy to work after clubbing till wee hours in the morning??
 
that's why he dun have any energy to work. always no mood to work and keep MC to sleep at home. Suddenly his resposiblity for work is totally gone. now he only wants to sleep during the day and at night, he got all his energy to go out again. Dont know when he's gonna think.
 
maybe ur hubby thinking..work hard oso same pay, dun work so hard oso same salary..so might as well dun work so hard??
 
huhh?? but not till this extent right. no need sleep and no need eat? now he doesnt want to eat says dun feel like eating and not hungry. He's not like that 2 months ago. he loves to eat and always ask me accompany him eat. now he totally dun like eating. i really miss the days when we go for dinners and suppers. at least we are communicating. now he doesnt want to communicate with me, no private dinner with me, no movies, no outings for just two of us. I always bring up to go dinner together, couple time, but always rejected. Y sudden change? i duno how to make him talk and share with me. I dont know anything that's y i keeping thinking and guessing.
 
Saw what you typed on the other thread mentioning your husband "hugg and touched" other girls and exlaim to you it's no big deal and he never betrayed you. He has to clearly know where the line is to be drawn for acts deemed off comfort to be of friends level.

Rationalising the act as a third party point of stand, I would not jump to conclusion. It could be that your husband might just want sometime alone. But not such extend of totally neglecting the family for his own act.

You got to talk to him soon in his responsibilities on his actions. Do mean business. Somehow I feel that he is withdrawing from his responsibilities in various aspects and life. Or he might be in depression.
 
JJ,

It is hard to tell you this but I have a friend who was in a very similar situation.

Her hb too was staying away the whole night every night claiming to be with kakis. He vehemently denied that he was having an affair when my friend grilled him. Only when my friend saw the woman did he admit.
 
JJ: Since both of you are working in the same coy and he usually go drinking with his friends, how about you might want to join them occasionally and see his reaction from there? It is kinda of serious whereby he cuts off all contacts with you jus to continue his drinking sessions, like what Hei Bee Hiam suggested, you might want to review his responsibilities on his actions. There are 2 scenarios whereby such things might happen; either he might be running away from something..or the worst scenario might happen. You have to realli sit him down for a good talk..However, don't start a topic in a way whereby you are pinpointing on his faults. Be diplomatic in how you phrase your sentences in the exchange.
 
i already tried asking and making him to sit down with me to talk about our problems. But never one time he wants to tell me the truth or maybe did tell me but i dont believe? he lied to me many times so this time i duno if im going to believe him. he says no third party involved, everytime only with the same group of guy frens. no girl at all during their outings. then how come i keep asking him to stay home with me and kids, or just together with me alone, he dont want. Last time, although he also goes out quite frequent but he still will stay at home if i want him to. and he will be lazy or tired to go out sometimes. But now totally different, no matter how tired he was or how i ask him to stay, he will just walk out of the house. No more pecks on the cheeks, no more hugs, etc..

He did say before he's staying becoz of the kids. Can sense he no longer loves me. i sent him lots of msgs with miss you and love you but never once now he reply back. he did also tell me to go find someone else , so that he will feel guilty. Hellooo..... wheregot husband ask wife to go find another partner??? it's obvious he doesnt love me or care isnt it?
 
he wont want me to tag along his frens.. all guyz u want meh.. he would say. and i did follow him last time before we are married. but i cant stand it watching him left me alone at a table and went over to next table talking and flirting with another girl. i left unhappy and angry. so now he wouldnt dare bring me or ask me along anymore.

I know its me myself who chose him as a husband and i chose this road. I cant blame anyone but me. knows we are already not suitable for each other but still go ahead married and gave birth two kids. and summore says he's not prepared to be a father.
 
If presented above as the case, you should address to your life agenda and priorities now. Also for the kids. Either you draw a limit for yourself and try till then, or seek for your own happiness. He has been very clear cut to you.
 
I willing to try again and give him abit time. coz i want to find out the truth before i decide anything. i really want him to tell me the truth so that i know what should i do. if he really dont love me and dont want us, then at least i know i can leave him. really sad that i cant give my kids a happy and complete family. Kids are the worst affected. how i wish it wont turn out this way.
 
jj,

think it's the need to escape form the mundane that led to his over-indulgence... it won't stop until he experiences burn-out... and he makes it pretty clear that he wants u out of his path NOW... so leave him alone to come to his senses... but u need to set urself a deadline for that ... whatever u do now, do it for ur own sake and not for him... cos whatever u do for him now earns u nothing but his comtempt...
 
Yep but maintain a clear mind. I do know some people are always seeking the answer as in to why and the "real reason". But whatever answer given also could not satisfy to the receiving party if he/she is in denial. Just don't get suck into this spiral.

All the best to you.
 
Talk with him & tell him your feeling and fears. WOrk on it now before is too late. Usually all these are early sign of a "decaying" relationship. Salvage it before is late.

Sincerely wish you all the best.
 
your husband is escaping / retreat his daily routine and perhaps taking a break from you. be patient and accomodated to him.
 
He has made his stand very clear to you and even encouraged you to look for another guy. He seems to be waiting for your words to end the marriage. Maybe it's to reduce his guilt?
 
"he did also tell me to go find someone else , so that he will feel guilty."

This is another way of saying he wants divorce.
 
JJ: I dun understand what makes him say all these out of sudden, any big events that might had happen along the way? At times, we humans doesn't know what we have lost until we had realli lost it.. in the worst case scenario, if you realli want to find out what might be happening, you might want to engage a PI? But are you prepared to face the consequences?
 
I already told him my fears and what he did really hurts me.. and our children needs him too. I know he still loves our children, just take he doesnt want to take care them as he finds it a chore to handle the crying and screaming, but the kids are still very young maah. Im trying hard to do whatever i can but if he doesnt want to solve our problem, that's really nothing i can do.

Yes. he's now like a bachelor, doing only the things he want. doesnt even want to reply my msgs and take my call sometimes. If he wants to take a break from me, for how long? what if he doesnt want come back. Yes and i believe he's waiting and making me cannot tahan his behaviour and divorce. And yes it will definitely make him feel less guilty as im the first to initiate divorce.

I really dont know what suddenly had happen to make him a big change in his attitude. but all along i know he is still playful and dont want to be tied down type of guy. Miss his night outs with frens (but i do let him go whenever he wants leh), dun want any reporting to me saying where he goes or who is he gg out with. he doesnt want any questions ask. He says he definitely will feel guilty if one day im gone. he will lose everything. But since he knows, why he still wants to make this happen? i really want to know what's he doing outside but i wont want to engage PI. Only when i am determined to break off him, then i will get a PI. you can also say im not prepared to accept the truth too.
 
JJ, may i know how old are the both of you when u tied the knot? Sorry, but it kinda of seems to me that he is not ready for marriage commitments?
 
for marriage he is ok but he's not ready to be a father. first one unexpected and the second one even unexpected. somemore the age difference for my kids is only one year. coz now got kids, of coz my time will be divided between them. and out couple time definitely become lesser. im a homely person who loves to see my children everyday. but i still got put my children at my mum's place at least once or twice a week so that we can go out or have time alone. all is fine until now. duno y he cant take it anymore or maybe the worst thing had already happen.

we tied the knot too early. he's 27 and im 24 when we ROM. I regret too marrying too early. Maybe we hold on longer, we might not be together. coz we are too different person. Anyway, now we are already married, regret also no use.
 
sgbabydoll,

yes i think he's tired of it and want back his single life. But he cant just throw away his responsibilty just like that right. really too selfish.
 
Gal, it is true that as we mature, our thinkings differs. My hubby and I ROM at the age of 25; where my MIL considers a young age to tie the knot as well. Went through quite a lot as well before holding my customary dinner this year. I heard from my friends that at times when a guy is not ready to be a father, he might dreg it so much that he simply has to run away to escape from reality, could it be this case for your hubby? Did both of you ever discuss issues relating to Family Planning?
 
JJ, I agree with you but don't pressure him anymore by reminding him about his responsibilities when it's quite clear that he can't shoulder them.
 
I was in your exact same situation <1yr ago except I have no kids. Can't say I know what my hb or your husband is thinking about cuz I've given up 2nd guessing/trying to get an answer from him.

When someone has made up his/her mind about leaving, they would not b thinking about responsibility. You shouldn't b thinking y he's not doing this or that cuz it'll only make yourself more miserable.

Life is short enuf as it is. It's more impt that we are happy n the only way to be happy is not by hurting yourself.

Try talking to him again and ask him specifically if he wants to end the marriage. If his answer is not favourable, move back to your parents with your kids n see what he has to say. You will get your answer.

If you have chosen to stay put in your current situation, then you have to accept the fact that he's no longer the loving husband that you had married. Dun have any expectation that he will turn around.

Best wishes.
 
yes i know maybe he cant accept the fact that he's two kids dad but its been so long already since my 2nd child is born. After so long still cant acccept? Anyway im the one who takes care of them and not him mah. i try not to pressure him but i really want to know what problems je's facing or even if he gets to know another girl, i also want him to tell me.. if not, my mind keep guessing leh..

shirleypoise,
i cant move back to my parents place. that's the problem. cant let them know our problems. coz they all along dun like my hubby, always nagging him, stressing him. So if they know, they will sure scold him like hell. And that's the last thing i want. it will make him go away even faster.
 
My apologies, overlooked that you are only looking for an avenue to vent your problem out in the open.

Why do you even bother if he would be scolded by your parents when he well-deserved being scolded? Maybe he 'forgot' that there are pple looking out for you, that he can't escape scot-free by giving u such treatment? Why are u helping him to make yourself more miserable?

Do you really need more advices? I think you know the exact solution to your problem.
 
i will try to ignore him for the moment. going to cherish the moment with my kids now. they are the most impt.

Will give him another 1 or 2mths, see if any change in him. or if i found out he is unfaithful to me, i will walk out as it's too painful to handle.

If no third party, no abuse, i still willing to give another chance.
 
agree with berakkingfree

seems to us u are very afraid of him.
not that we want you to relaliate..

but its' either u accept to his ill treating you now or u move out or u lay your terms and ask him specifically if he is thinking of ending the marrigee..like u said, u dun like to guess. tell him that! and ask him wat he wants to do.

CAN U PLS DUN LET HIS MISTAKE TORTURE U LIKE THIS?
 
I guess JJ doesn't want to destroy the marriage w/o first understanding what is wrong with her guy and the fact that alerting her parents will cause more damage done and thus, she is hesitant in taking this step at this point in time. Am I right? But gal, trying to salvage the marriage is one thing, enduring it for a long term is another thing and also it is not healthy and this is not gonna to help in the well-being of your children too. You have to stand up for yourself and spare a thought for your children if suitations become unfavourable, regardless how unwilling you might be. Give him and yourself a time limit and make your decision carefully upon the expiry time period.
 
im afraid he leave me. im afraid for my kids not having a dad around. i will be giving him sometime to think and hopefully he knows what he wants. if he's really changed, dun want me and our children, then i have to let go. i dun think i want to keep handling these kind of problems later years. Its too exhausting and painful.

yes. i really wants to know what's wrong as he's not like that until recently. I know people do change over time but at least i got to find out the problem and try to solve if able to. if the worst comes, i will then tell my family. not now as they will make the marriage end immediately.
 
It seems likely he has another woman outside. He may not wish to have further problems so he keeps the truth from you.

Why are you afraid that your kids do not have a dad around ?

Is it better to have a loving mum at least, than have a loving mum and absence dad always ?

OR, is it so blissful to let the kids WITNESS how the dad treat their mum during their grow up years ?

Think about it.
 
Maybe i saw and read about too much cases of children brought up by single parent. so abit worried u see. I indeed agree that its better to have a loving mum than to have a loving mum and absence dad always. BUt when i saw them playing with daddy so happily everytime when he's ard, I will think back again if i really want them to be separated? He only dont love me, he still loves his children. But then its not healthy to have such relationship either as the children will soon grow up and sense our distant and doing each individual stuffs.

Really hard for me to decide what to do. Maybe i put too much hope in this marriage and never tot this might happen so quickly.
 
"yes. i really wants to know what's wrong as he's not like that until recently. I know people do change over time but at least i got to find out the problem and try to solve if able to."

Sad to say, when it comes to affair of the heart sometime there is no explanation and we cannot "solve" it. Trying too hard to find reasons can be counter-productive.

About children, don't have to worry too much. If he still loves the children, even when separated or divorced, still can love the children. He may not be around for the children everyday but he still can be a father...
 
this might be a denial stage... since u know he's no longer keen to be with u, then extending the reasons to fatherhood is one way of convincing yourself to make him stay... thing is that he doesn't have to be around to be a father... since his presence isn't that great now. u'll be surprised, but he might put in more effort as a father when he's not staying in the same house, as compared to when he's still around.
 
JJ,

By the way, I am a single father of three children. Nothing to worry about. The mother may not be staying with us but I am giving her full and un-restricted access to see the children everyday. In fact, the mother now puts in much much more effort than she was staying with us.

The thing is to have a amicable relationship with our Ex.. that even in separation or divorce, it is possible to be great parents to our children. For me, we still have the occasional lunches/dinners together and especially on special events like CNY, christmas, birthdays, etc etc etc.
 
powder,

i agreed that im actually at a denial stage already. whatever he says and whatever he does shows that he's no longer care or love me.Purely staying just becoz of his two kids. I know no matter how much i do or how hard i try, will not bring his feelings back as its already lost. The more i do for him, the more i seek the reasons will only make him feel even annoying. Each day passes and i can see he even more distant from me, our home.

Sm,

u're already divorced? and ur ex-wife came very often to see the kids? I mean really can forget what happen and be good friends again? U still have lunches/dinners together, this i duno if i can do it if we are no longer together. Do u have a gf now or does ur wife has a bf now?
 
JJ,

I am in the process of divorce.. after more than 4 years of separation.

Yes, my separated-wife comes back very frequently - almost like everyday or at least every other day. I won't say we are best of friends but we are cordial and amicable.. no arguments or quarrels.

Yes, lunches/dinners together with the children once a while..

As for GF, yes I have one (only recently) as for her, I don't care or ask if she has a bf. Actually whether got BF/GF is really immaterial. When I don't have a GF last year or the year before - we were still exactly like what we are now.
 


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