Not a matter of whose is showing the "black face". I guess it is more on a matter of agreeing and compromising to each other's expectations and needs. Like the need of "free space", the need of "not being able to picks calls when you are busy", the need of "catching up with friends" etc.. We need our own space to do things at times and this will not cause any suffociation to the r/s.
Advice pls
- Thread starter tingting_tan
- Start date
tingting_tan
New Member
I try understand him before the conclusion. Like what you say just now "free space", i really don find myself got anything wrong during drinking session at my best pal house. At least, i'm nt stay out late at clubbing place.. Unreasonable controlling my social activities at all.Well, he said he'll nt control much on it anymore.
In a way.. I believe there are limits in everything and there is always the right time to do the right things.. Meeting up for drinks is definately an okay thingy in my personal perspective.. So long we dun get ourselves dead drunk etc etc.. Keep up with the observation.. Hope things turns out better for you.
miloice
Well-Known Member
tingting, yah.... as long u guys are balancing this and giving constructive feedback, things CAN improve. (Disclaimer : This is no guarantee of any results)
The line between being understanding and assuring and being totally submissive till a point of indulgence can be a so thin. The way I differentiate is by reflecting. We see where the thing is moving. i.e. positively or negatively Is the insecure monster growing or being controlled? If its aren't working, then u shouldn't be continuing the same way.
The line between being understanding and assuring and being totally submissive till a point of indulgence can be a so thin. The way I differentiate is by reflecting. We see where the thing is moving. i.e. positively or negatively Is the insecure monster growing or being controlled? If its aren't working, then u shouldn't be continuing the same way.
tingting_tan
New Member
littlewoman & milo,
Thanks for the support here.. Relieve alot after telling him my feeling.Will try things out. Will not let things blindly repeating again.
Thanks for the support here.. Relieve alot after telling him my feeling.Will try things out. Will not let things blindly repeating again.
alcifertoh
New Member
Hi Albee,
Such are assurances that you are giving to tingting telling her that it's okie(in your context) even though she had raised it as an issue.
It's makes the same sense like a mother telling her daughter to preserve when her husband strays when the daughter obviously had issues with that, only because when her father strayed, the mother did the same and the father returned.
There's difference in managing acceptable behavior and obsession. Not everyone finds obsession to be sweet or loving. Don't rush into role modelling for every situation. It does not necessarily fit.
You would see the never picking up phone and getting angry as sweet. But the never pick up phone and totally blacked face and speeding on wheels is an issue of concern here. It's making a point via threatening.
Or do you find that as a sweet act too?
Such are assurances that you are giving to tingting telling her that it's okie(in your context) even though she had raised it as an issue.
It's makes the same sense like a mother telling her daughter to preserve when her husband strays when the daughter obviously had issues with that, only because when her father strayed, the mother did the same and the father returned.
There's difference in managing acceptable behavior and obsession. Not everyone finds obsession to be sweet or loving. Don't rush into role modelling for every situation. It does not necessarily fit.
You would see the never picking up phone and getting angry as sweet. But the never pick up phone and totally blacked face and speeding on wheels is an issue of concern here. It's making a point via threatening.
Or do you find that as a sweet act too?
Tingting: yes... communication is one of the options when couples have their differences, I am glad that your bf takes it well in one way or another for the time being too.. Like what Milo suggested in other threads, we shld not be defensive in communicating our ideas and opinions.. we should have constructive "arguments" in order to better understand our partners.. Informing our partners of our limits, our feelings will promote better understanding and this in turn leads to a better r/s, as we won't be feeling upset over the same matter again and again...
Tingting,
That reply also WAKEN me up!! That was what Albee had quoted. .. OMG!.. seems like so long as her hb dun turn violent she can endure all his nonsense.. which is why I asked, so if her hb is to turn violent so what next then??
so long she is not dead.. or 90% hurt, its still endurable??? So meaning if hv a missed call from hb = hb angry = black face = maybe take knife to press against ur face to show his level of anger = acceptable aka sweet act of love (coz he nv slash her face yet?) u get what I mean??
in my context, she is indeed like what Doll is saying here.. glorifying her hb, and trying to say that her hb is like ur bf.. so whatever ur bf does to u is acceptable in her context..
but of coz, if u were to see all the advices given here, we are not saying that ur bf is WRONG or whatever but just to point out that his behavious is NOT USUAL and this is not acceptable by you to a certain level in your own context. M sure u know what is best for you or to what level u can tolerate him.
That reply also WAKEN me up!! That was what Albee had quoted. .. OMG!.. seems like so long as her hb dun turn violent she can endure all his nonsense.. which is why I asked, so if her hb is to turn violent so what next then??
so long she is not dead.. or 90% hurt, its still endurable??? So meaning if hv a missed call from hb = hb angry = black face = maybe take knife to press against ur face to show his level of anger = acceptable aka sweet act of love (coz he nv slash her face yet?) u get what I mean??
in my context, she is indeed like what Doll is saying here.. glorifying her hb, and trying to say that her hb is like ur bf.. so whatever ur bf does to u is acceptable in her context..
but of coz, if u were to see all the advices given here, we are not saying that ur bf is WRONG or whatever but just to point out that his behavious is NOT USUAL and this is not acceptable by you to a certain level in your own context. M sure u know what is best for you or to what level u can tolerate him.
alcifertoh
New Member
Yep. Glad that you see that and realise the issue than feeling happy over it blindly.
All the best.
All the best.
sgbabydoll
Active Member
Albee, kiss and make up or make peace OK. But kiss to shut you up NOT OK lah. But you seem to think this is a sweet gesture while we see it otherwise. I won't be won over by just a kiss, what more an ill-intended kiss.
You said I seem to be an assertive, righteous, no-nonsense person. Well, I am more an outspoken individual. I am self-aware, I have awareness of others and I know what I want and don't want.
In my current relationship which I can totally be myself, there hasn't been an occasion that I have to put my foot down and negotiate for my rights or freedom as a person. If I had to, I would rather not be in that relationship. That's me.
The level of comfort and compatibility in personality has been there since the first day the bf and I met. We crap alot and communicate our thoughts and views on things freely. Even when we argue which is very rare, we give each other the airtime. It's more like a debate and we understand each other's views this way.
You said I seem to be an assertive, righteous, no-nonsense person. Well, I am more an outspoken individual. I am self-aware, I have awareness of others and I know what I want and don't want.
In my current relationship which I can totally be myself, there hasn't been an occasion that I have to put my foot down and negotiate for my rights or freedom as a person. If I had to, I would rather not be in that relationship. That's me.
The level of comfort and compatibility in personality has been there since the first day the bf and I met. We crap alot and communicate our thoughts and views on things freely. Even when we argue which is very rare, we give each other the airtime. It's more like a debate and we understand each other's views this way.
sgbabydoll
Active Member
I was shut up by my ex-husband with his suicide threats. You got shut up by your husband with a passionate kiss. Tingting was shut up by a black face cum dangerous driving. Just different methods to shut up a wife or gf lor.
precious_moment16
New Member
Using "Because I love you" as an excuse to blow up is simply unacceptable. At current, he can drive up to the max speed when he is angry to SHUT U UP.
Think carefully, you are now only in "partor" relationship. How about in future after marriage and you feel that you are not compatible and wish to divorce, and he drags you to 10 storey high HDB and threaten to push you down and later end his life with you.. (becos he cannot live without you). Are you OK to make peace with him and live like normal and forget about divorcing him. And are you going to treat his action of pushing you down the 10 stroeys as a brave act of LOVE? Bocs he loves me, so he does that.. forgive him??
I had a classmate (not even to the stage of boyfriend) who was fanatically crazy ove me during school days. He makes me thought that I am the "most beautiful girl in the world".(which in fact I am normal looking). Many friends were so envy with the attention I am getting from him as he is the Top 5 scholar.
When he started to live his life as my boyfirend. He followed me home everyday, help to clear a path for me in crowded area. He forbids me to talk to other male classmate, and even in lecture theatre, I am not to sit beside any guys. Keep paging me whenever I am out of his sight for > 5 mins
I have never thought of accepting his "love" becos I could not digest all the "love" he had showered on me, thus I use the excuse that my parent objected of my going into relationship as a student. Guess what, he went to my parents shop and start to plead my mum to accept him as their future son-in-law. He even kneel down and wanted to offer tea to my mum and ask for my mom's acceptance of him. Which my mom thinks he studied too hard which makes him insane
Whole thing blown up in ugly state when he followed me home and tried to threaten me to accept him. Yes, he push me to the railing of the HDB flat threatening to push me down the flat just becos he cannot imagine his life w/o me. Lucky my neighbours rush out to stop him and we made a police report.
c'mon we have not even started and he is acting lidat) I cannot imagine my life as a puppet if i ever married him.
If this is the kind of "love" with threatening basis, I would rather choose to remain single.
I will never consider him as my future partner as he is overly pocessive. So what if I got all his attention.
Think carefully, you are now only in "partor" relationship. How about in future after marriage and you feel that you are not compatible and wish to divorce, and he drags you to 10 storey high HDB and threaten to push you down and later end his life with you.. (becos he cannot live without you). Are you OK to make peace with him and live like normal and forget about divorcing him. And are you going to treat his action of pushing you down the 10 stroeys as a brave act of LOVE? Bocs he loves me, so he does that.. forgive him??
I had a classmate (not even to the stage of boyfriend) who was fanatically crazy ove me during school days. He makes me thought that I am the "most beautiful girl in the world".(which in fact I am normal looking). Many friends were so envy with the attention I am getting from him as he is the Top 5 scholar.
When he started to live his life as my boyfirend. He followed me home everyday, help to clear a path for me in crowded area. He forbids me to talk to other male classmate, and even in lecture theatre, I am not to sit beside any guys. Keep paging me whenever I am out of his sight for > 5 mins
I have never thought of accepting his "love" becos I could not digest all the "love" he had showered on me, thus I use the excuse that my parent objected of my going into relationship as a student. Guess what, he went to my parents shop and start to plead my mum to accept him as their future son-in-law. He even kneel down and wanted to offer tea to my mum and ask for my mom's acceptance of him. Which my mom thinks he studied too hard which makes him insane
Whole thing blown up in ugly state when he followed me home and tried to threaten me to accept him. Yes, he push me to the railing of the HDB flat threatening to push me down the flat just becos he cannot imagine his life w/o me. Lucky my neighbours rush out to stop him and we made a police report.
c'mon we have not even started and he is acting lidat) I cannot imagine my life as a puppet if i ever married him.
If this is the kind of "love" with threatening basis, I would rather choose to remain single.
I will never consider him as my future partner as he is overly pocessive. So what if I got all his attention.
sgbabydoll
Active Member
I often received suicide threats, threats to leave home and disappear, threats to take knife and rob others (when I refused to hand over money) or threats of cold war that rendered me being an invisible party. The list of threats does not stop here but just some examples here. I thought he issued threats because he felt desperate, but the ultimate aim of a threat is to manipulate your mind or action.
It's not a good thing to live in fear of some kind of consequence which you have no control of, like his decision to end his life, worse if he wants to take yours with his.
Actually, I should have known better before marrying the ex-husband. He often played up threats on me. He would disappear during an argument and remained uncontactable for hours to days according to his mood. The kind of threats got worse after we got married.
I am glad that I am free of threats now. I am a free person as anyone could or should be.
It's not a good thing to live in fear of some kind of consequence which you have no control of, like his decision to end his life, worse if he wants to take yours with his.
Actually, I should have known better before marrying the ex-husband. He often played up threats on me. He would disappear during an argument and remained uncontactable for hours to days according to his mood. The kind of threats got worse after we got married.
I am glad that I am free of threats now. I am a free person as anyone could or should be.
Ya... We should have a group to prevent THREATS from husbands / boyfriends etc. As women are emotional, they tends to get the upper hands when threatening to destroy our life, close relatives, careers and the list goes on... It's stupid but we never think twice and got really weak and fall into the trap of TIMIDNESS~~~~~ Only to wake up too late or never wake up to understand that we MUST fight back.
sgbabydoll
Active Member
Icy Baby, no point declaring a gender war lah. I have known women who make nasty threats too to control their partner/spouse.
tingting_tan
New Member
doll,
ya. even fierce than guy doing..
ya. even fierce than guy doing..
precious_moment16
New Member
First they cry, then create a din, after that threaten for suicide.
Either genders does that, not only guys threaten woman la
But whoever does that, they should not be pampered.. U give them a chance, forgive them.. they will make a comeback with all these silly acts.
Either genders does that, not only guys threaten woman la
But whoever does that, they should not be pampered.. U give them a chance, forgive them.. they will make a comeback with all these silly acts.
mum_of_2_girls
New Member
Hi doll,
Do you have a child with your ex-husband?
How do you ensure she will not missed her daddy?
You are very brave. I propably don't know what to do if I'm faced with such a situation.
Do you have a child with your ex-husband?
How do you ensure she will not missed her daddy?
You are very brave. I propably don't know what to do if I'm faced with such a situation.
alcifertoh
New Member
When a person threaten with suicide, don't need to talk that much with him/her liao. Over the hill.
ya lor.. really leh..zzz..
use suicide as a threat! WTF!
Albee,
frankly I dun think it does matters if Doll has a child with her ex-hb or not.. given his sort of mentality and behaviour.. what will happen to the child in the hands of her ex-hb??
It does not necessarily means that seperating them both is a bad factor but at least u know u r protecting urself & ur child.
use suicide as a threat! WTF!
Albee,
frankly I dun think it does matters if Doll has a child with her ex-hb or not.. given his sort of mentality and behaviour.. what will happen to the child in the hands of her ex-hb??
It does not necessarily means that seperating them both is a bad factor but at least u know u r protecting urself & ur child.
sgbabydoll
Active Member
We don't have children, Albee. Good also, we did not have a conducive environment for a child. But like Skylar has said, if we had a child he/she would surely suffer.
sgbabydoll
Active Member
It's bad enough to live in threats, what's more, he makes you think you are 100% responsible for making him issue the threat.
shirleypoise
New Member
I heard of this story of this girl who made all the changes that the bf expected of her to be the girl of his dreams.
End of the day, the bf decided to leave her cuz she wasn't the girl that he fell in love with..
Compromising is necessary in all r/s, but that is as far as is reasonable. Changing yourself for the anyone else's sake, but your own, will only cause you to lose yourself.
Key thing is respect for each other ba..
End of the day, the bf decided to leave her cuz she wasn't the girl that he fell in love with..
Compromising is necessary in all r/s, but that is as far as is reasonable. Changing yourself for the anyone else's sake, but your own, will only cause you to lose yourself.
Key thing is respect for each other ba..
shirleypoise
New Member
albee, u sound like someone from my mum's era or even earlier.
Some pple are just concerned abt giving their kids a complete family. What they never think is the kind of life the kids have to go through...
I dun mean that of your kids but I've seen cases of how unhappy marriage have affected the kids.
Some pple are just concerned abt giving their kids a complete family. What they never think is the kind of life the kids have to go through...
I dun mean that of your kids but I've seen cases of how unhappy marriage have affected the kids.
miloice
Well-Known Member
Actually, generally, gal use more our their wit and body to manipulate while guys use more of their physical strength to overpower and money to blackmail.
In the nutshell, people tend to use their strengths in the wrong way. But don't flame me. This is not a gender bashing. Just that there are many people that still stick to their pre-dominate instincts.
In the nutshell, people tend to use their strengths in the wrong way. But don't flame me. This is not a gender bashing. Just that there are many people that still stick to their pre-dominate instincts.
alcifertoh
New Member
When you need to succumb to threats, it means that you can't manage the situation at all.
people only continue to behave badly because you allow it.
if he drives dangerously to vent his anger, get out of the car.
if he gets super angry and puts on a black face which causes fear, u don't have to be an audience, he's just manipulating u to do what he wants u to do.
if he threatens to jump, u should probably just let him, coz he'll "jump" tomorrow, if not today. I seriously doubt people who issue such threats would. WHAT IF? guilty? sorry, no.
if he drives dangerously to vent his anger, get out of the car.
if he gets super angry and puts on a black face which causes fear, u don't have to be an audience, he's just manipulating u to do what he wants u to do.
if he threatens to jump, u should probably just let him, coz he'll "jump" tomorrow, if not today. I seriously doubt people who issue such threats would. WHAT IF? guilty? sorry, no.