Advice pls

T

tingting_tan

New Member
How to assure a guy truely love you? & how to ensure a guy behavior possesive? I'm not very sure whether my bf being possesive to me or not but i do hope can hear some experienced here. thkq
 


Diff person has diff tolerance level, if u r feeling uncomfortable with the space ur bf is giving u then have a nice talk with him.

In a relationship no other party knows best except the couple itself.

Have an open hearted chat with ur bf, if he truly loves u he will understand and learn from it.
Meanwhile u should find out why he's behaving in certain way and try to discuss each other behaviours n reactions.

Melissa.
 
"How to assure a guy truely love you?"
u can only show ur affection and hope he reciprocates ... if this type of love is not true enough for u, then manipulate him into submitting completely to u. but it's time consuming, hard to achieve and no 100% satisfaction guaranteed :P

"how to ensure a guy behavior possesive?"
??? i take it that u want him to be possessive... well, this one is easier cos u hv better control of urself... just take the 1st and crucial step by submitting urself to him and let him do the rest... but, that is provided that he wants to possess u...
 
junkie,
i certainly got such feeling from my bf. example. everytime when he smsing me then i must within ten mins(at least) to sms him bk. once i late replying then he may start angry or else unhappy with me liao... seem lack of confidence with me.
 
very funny, its like u r living in ur own jail..

what rubbish is it to give sms reply within 10mins or so? why must there be a time frame to it? frankly.. if u can live with such nonsense like these or even to ans the call within 3 rings etc..

then guess that is ur life ba....
 
WTHHHHHHHH ~~~

Ask your bf to get a life!

hello...you dun hv to work de har? dun have to shower, pee, shit de har?

Seriously...you can tahan such nonsense from your bf? How long have you guys been together?

One cant be holding on to the hp all day, all night. Where's the freedom? Where's the personal space? It will be such a stress if you have to constantly check on your hp to see if there are any incoming smses from him, if not, got to handle his mood. To me, this is so tiring!
 
I think it's obssessed liao. Getting mad over not picking up phone calls or replying sms? Geez I rather they don't call. Unless it is some urgent matter that both parties know that they are expecting for each other's reply. Arbo quite nonsense.
 
Totally crap. I will ask him to fly kite if I were u.

u can try to be understanding and talk to him to know why he has this unreasonable expectation. But you should not condone and encourage it. He is being unreasonable. He needs to realize and sort it out himself.
 
If get mad over such things can go siao..

My gf.. sometimes take 24 hours to reply sms.. sometimes call few times.. never return call till next day..

The only time I was mad with her.. cos she din pick up her call or sms for 3 weeks.. I thought she missing liao..
 
salsa,
Attached with him abt half a year time. Guess he really quite possesive type. i try to accomodate with him since begining.. was thought he curious for what i'm doing on the time... but as long i late replying he may thoughts of alot of unnecessary guessing. Overall, i can say he really needing me alot beside him.. cos he always demand i no time for him. almost everyday meet up but he seem i nvr spend enough for him... always complain i mia for replying his smsing or msn ...i really don know how to please him & don know can endure this for how long..how am i going to tell him what to do?
 
tingting,

sorry for getting a little mixed up in my earlier post:P

now back on ur topic...

if this is how u feel towards ur bf, then the qtn u should be asking urself is not how deep is his love for u, but yours for him... do u love him that much to want to take this kind of shit from him?
 
Like last weekend, i was met up my gf went for ktv at somewhr city area then he suddenly said got the urge to meet up and want me fast get over ready so that he can pick me up. Can you imagine i just met up my gf only an hour and while just start my singing thr.. i know if i turn down him he surely will sure me that kind of anger face. Super difficult situation... then i almost use up half an hour to persuade him nt to come so early .. at least finished the ktv then meet up. haiz
 
i like him. i know he cherish me as much as he can. And i did cherish him as much as i can also.But i don wish to see his anger to me when he putting me in difficult situation like the previous example i list out above. Told him before, but he ans to me is he want spend more time to his love but i'm not. i don understand why almost everyday meet up but cant even let me spend a little time for my gf? think i may have to talk to him again later.
 
u need to find your balance. its impossible for you to lose yourself completely for him and remain happy. u r still a daughter to your parents, sibling to your bros & sis, family to your relatives, friends and soulmates to your pals and buddies etc.

You have your life to live still.
 
milo,
thats what my thinking. really don know how to convince him nt to worry so much of me & nt to clinging me too much. i don mind he cling on me but hope he can be balance me to spend my time with my family frnds also. Just got the scare feeling in me... somehow got pressure to face him..
 
One should work towards confidence in the relationship. Both grow to trust each other more each day.

Extreme possession indicates insecurity. Both of u are adults capable of taking care of yourselves. You need to be respected. He don't own your life, u do. So, u cannot let him overrun you like this. 6 mths already so hard to breathe. How to last a lifetime?

Our lifetime partner should be someone we can be really trusting and comfortable with. "just got the scare feeling in me... somehow got pressure to face him.." He needs to realize u guys needs to get comfortable with each other. Finding this comfort zone is not always natural. But, if both are committed to respect and learn, its possible.

If he doesn't want to learn nor respect the fact that you are different, then I don't see how it can work out long term. It takes 2 to clap. Both being flexible and adaptive to each other. If its one way, it is going to get very tiring. Possessive love is a selfish one.
 
i think u need to find out the reason behind his insecurities... could be some traumatic experience that leave him this way... of course u can make adjustments to accommodate him, but i rather u get to the root of the problem... that is, if u cherish him, heal him...
 
He always said he trusted on me when everytime i went for drinking session or ktv with best pals.But when time comes, he will keep smsing me ask me whether got drunk or nt. i understand he's being concern abt my whereabout and whether did drunk somewhr. cos overall he is worried abt me... nowadays i stop meet up frnds for drinking or party anymore. Just hope that his mind be ease. Hope he understand i really did sacrifice lots for him. My question here, how am i going to let him feel more ease when i'm outing with my best pals or gf?
 
does he know this group of friends? has he met them before?

if no, perhaps he is worried abt the kind of frds you are hanging out with?

then again...this has to do with the trust he has for you. No doubt he may be concerned...but overly concerned can be suffocating as well.

How abt try asking him to join you?
 
dun seems to me that he cherish u leh ..

more like he wants to control u instead...

this is really not healthy in the long run ...
 
its very real. Not trying to scare you. All the signs of an extremely possessive and dominating partner is there. I'm not surprised if he would be easily jealous over your friendships.

He has issues to respect and let go of his insecurity. Till a point, he thinks it is right of him to do so. If its too extreme, he needs professional help.
 
Did try before break off with him once few weeks ago. Explained to him wht happen actually. But he seem very angry to me. And during in the car he may speed up the max on th road.. made me really scare of him. i have no choice so that must cool down him & hold bk my words again. He nowaday still worry i will push him away...how to talk to him?
 
skylar is definitely no scaring you

Look....you are only 6 mths into this r'ship..and here you are, posting abt how he is getting on your nerves, how you are feeling scared and pressured to face him.

In a r'ship, there are bound to be give and take. But that does not mean u have to accomodate to all his demands. Each of you still require some space, some free time wif your friends, family. It's not just bf bf bf. Never neglect your friends bcoz of the bf. These are the pals that grew up with you, shared your ups and downs together.

I feel that somehow he does not feel secured abt this r'ship, that's why he keeps wanting to know your whereabouts, he 'needs' to see you always by his side.
 
In that case, dun talk when u guys are in the car (for safety reasons).

Talk in a public area. Talk over the phone.

So what if he gets angry? You have absolute right to decide for yourself..whether he is suitable for you, whether you want a bf who tries to control you like a puppet.
 
salsa,
Frankly, he really put alot effort in this relationship. But just don know why he always said i'm nt giving enough loving & concern to him. i really have done well my part to him. Just don know why he feeling unsedure from me to him.
 
really leh.. i m not scaring you.. lol..

an eg ... my ex... when we were together in the past, he love me to bits, at first, I felt flattered and very loved.. everyone ard me envy me for he is 1 rare bf...

then..

he fetch me to work, fetch me home, day in day out, I see him like almost 24/7, we had breakfast, dinner & even lunch at times together...

gradually I start to lose myself, I cannot go out with my frds at all, not for movies or any other thing, not to mention go clubbing... when I tried to tell him that I am gg out with my frds, it seems more like getting his approval. Even my parents are agreeable but not him. I tried not to make him angry as I can see that he does all these coz he loves me alot.. but he is suffocating me to death.. I dare not tell him abt this.

An instance, when I go clubbing with my frds, we meet at 9pm, supposed to go in at about 10pm, at 10.30 he start calling me like every 15mins interval asking what am I doing, am I drunk, did I made new frds etc???? I cannot even enjoyed myself with my frds then at 11pm he insist he is coming to fetch me back, expect me to wait for him at the entrance in the next 15mins, I tried to persuade him not to come. But in the end he came into the club to look for me, I had to leave as I dun want him to be unhappy.. many more examples goes on.. gradually those frds whom envy me for such a bf all slowly left me.. it come to a standstill where when I am having dinner with them, my hp ring, they will tell me oh.. hv to go off liao ah.. ok lah bye lah.. like soo busy like that.. next time come out dun call u already.. so jialat like that..

I continue to make him happy as he still dotes on me alot.. then.. his love is too much for me to take, I cannot talk to the opp. sex even if they are pple I dunno.. when I go Macs, I will go to the shortest Q, so if it is a guy, he will be unhappy and he will quickly rash to my side to shoo me off while he orders.. he protects me like a wall. His anger shown at times really scares me off.. I lived in fear.

Deep down I know he loves me, in fact he loves me too much, he wants to control me. He lives my life for me, he breath the air I breath, he is my shadow. I become aimless, I lost myself. I became soo sad I became a different person. Its my family who snap me out of it..I broke off with him, of coz he is unhappy, it took me close to 2 yrs to really break off with him..

this road ain't easy but I overcame.. I am not saying that ur bf will be like mine.. but u hv to have a control over ur life and not have it run by him..
 
the guy who went after me...called me 5x a day. Until I was so scared whenever the hp rang. I wanted to throw it out of the window

hahahaa....

It's madness.
 
whaahahahaha.. wah.. next time u wanna throw tell me hor! I go and pick up next time..

really.. even after I broke off with him, he still come downstairs my hse etc.. my ofc etc.. OMG!! I nearly go bonkers then!
 
skylar,
You post already my story... Can you help me to think of something to have a good talk to him? i really scare of his anger to me...
 
tingting,

U have to make ur own decision really. It is not gg to be easy to shake him off but if he can see ur determination in doing so, he will back off gradually.. like mine.

I broke off with mine not once nor twice, uncountable times, just to quote u my eg. when u first mentioned breakoff to him, he will flare up, (try not to do this in a car or in a quiet park) do in it public so even if he shouts etc, u dun bother to stay behind & let him yell. Just make for ur nearest exit.

He will pretend nothing ever happen the next day, next time u bring this up, he will go soft or even cry.

What I can tell u is when u try to break off with him, & if he dun accept it. do it again the next day, keep doing it the other day, dun drag for too long for he might think there is still chance for u 2 to be together..

U hv to be very strong and not be taken in by his actions, he can be a god sent angel at this time, if u succumb to him, u will be in hell.

stay firm.
 
Somehow... humans like to quantify love to how dramatic and intense things are. As if we need to do 101 stuffs to prove the love.

Is that love? Maybe, but its surely not a relationship or lifelong companionship.

Its too long, too sufficating and too impractical to be going all out to impress and prove all the time. It doesn't work like this. Where is the comfort level?
 
ya lor.. milo true true..

perhaps for pple like us now.. we are more practical.. even if ur spouse only calls u once a day at work that does not means he/she loves u less.. or rather u want countless calls from them??

perhaps for younger peeps, they will go for such extremist so that they will be the envy of most pple.. but then again.. such envy won't last..
 
I admit.

I was initially thrilled and flattered when the guy called me several times a day.

But after a few days...I started to feel scared. Dreaded whenever the hp rang. We were not even at dating stage and he was oredi giving me so many calls a day. It was too much for me.
 
TingTing: I think your bf has passed the possessive stage towards you and the r/s. I think basically, he wants himself to be the 1st and the centre of your life. He doesn't like being placed at the 2nd position and he can't take it as well. Is your bf more on a quiet type or simply has a small circle of network? Is it his first r/s or did something unpleasant happened in his past r/s between his exs and him?
 
tingting,

if depends if you want to continue with the relationship or not.

If you want to be patient and help him grow up from his insecure mindset, then you need to be work hard to establish the open communication channel for constant feedback. This one is going to be tough and will only work if he is receptive to it.

The idea is for him to know you are trying to build a future with him but needs him to cooperate. i.e. First assure him that u want to work things out. This is very important 1st step for him to put his defensive guard down. Any negotiation is always easier this way.

And, you need to know your limits. If its too much, then u must know when to be really firm to put a stop to it.

But personally, I think it aren't worth the risk. Its 6 month relationship. Better to take a break or cool down period for him to think for himself. If he doesn't reflect, then so be it. If he does reflect, then maybe you can talk further about guiding him to control his lack of emotional control and outbursts.
 
tingting,

be careful... if someone can be this obsessed with u and spends that much time on u, then it's seriously not love. i can tell u that once it ends, everything else goes, especially if he found a new interest.

be very careful. all the best
 
thanks milo. Think i will patiently help him grow up from his insecure mindset as you said..hope he understand for what i'm doing.
powder,
what do you mean by once he found a new interest? are you refering to another new girl?
 
yup. normally this obsessive is not healthy... and the chances of guys meeting girls is HIGH. for now u're his gfren and the only girl... i believe he will definitely come across other girls and if he gets this obsessive, u can kiss the relationship goodbye. i will not recommend u to be too deeply-involved at all...

he has No balance... work/family/frens? where are all these??? u not scared meh? a person totally dedicated to u isn't healthy at all...
 
tingting,

i'm pretty skeptical of hope that you are placing. There is hope only if he is opened to feedback and consciously reflecting. In that case, I would say he is just green or had really bad experience previously.

But, if its his character to be this stubbornly insecure, then its very worrying. Such guys are normally pretty dominating. By giving in, you encourage the behavior. He needs to know that when you give in, its a sacrifice you are making. You are being patient in letting him grow. He must be fully aware that it is not his right to demand 100% of your time and should respect you. You are only doing so to assure him SHORT TERM AND u are expecting him to grow out of it.

You need to work smart. People are such, they will not appreciate things that are given for free. So, when u give-in, make it valuable. Let him realize the kind of sacrifice you are giving because of his insecurity. When you put a 'price' to it, there will be this guilt + appreciation. He will probably feel your efforts and love for him more this way.

The more appreciative he is, the more likely he will be motivated to improve. Its really psychology. DO NOT ALLOW HIM TO TAKE YOUR EFFORTS FOR GRANTED. Else, it will be counter-productive.

Its an art of fishing or flying the kite. You need to let lose the right amount and know when to put back.
 
powder,
Clearly, i really have to play smart enough to being his gf. Well, break off with him is nt easy as you think. Like what skylar cases is similiar to my bf here.. hardly get rid harly convince. I already push him away for 3 times. But in the end patch bk cos due to my soft-hearted & heart pain he being suffering mood down there..

milo,
Just get to know why he being so possesive to me is due to his ex gf behaving influenced. His exgf used to possesive and almost suffocated him to die...Wondering because of this reason so that he being influenced & now behaviour to me. Hardly change him i supposed? Don feel to turn down him while i'm still hope he able to manage his attitude to me also.
 


milo,
When you put a 'price' to it, there will be this guilt + appreciation.

Though i understand ur mean to me, but when come to handle this... i'm afraid i might soft-hearted again. & end up may give in more than usual.Main problem is i'm afraid his temper to me. when he turn blk face to me. i will just quietly beside else just drag the problem later solve. cos i know if i'm being blunt to him..he may think i gonna push him away again.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Back
Top