Advice pls

I dun get it.

If you said...his ex was the possessive type...he felt suffocated in the r'ship, then surely he knows better than anyone, how that kind of feeling sucks. And I believe that was the reason for the breakup. He should know this will be detrimental to a r'ship. And now he is doing wat his ex did to him before?

Dun make sense to me leh. It seems more like an excuse for his own behaviour.
 


Just don like he always comparing his ex with me. Loving is give & take.Thats the reason last time i break off with him.Cos i know his ex is love him more than me. i know i can't love him as his ex do so..so i intend to let go. But he hold me super tight... somehow a bit jialat feeling to me again.
 
just asking u to be careful, dun have to break up or anything. sometimes u have to watch and observe pple...

wat's his hobbies? how's his work? how's his relationship with families? who's his frens?

all these are very impt. in fact crucial.

pple who are just soft-hearted often get screwed in life... it's better to be soft-hearted with a good head.
 
Tingting..if you keep saying u r afraid of his 'black-face' treatment, you are afraid that u may be soft-hearted, then no matter wat milo, powder and the rest of the forumers have advised, it's all useless.

It's your life...only you can decide what you want for your life. If you allow that one guy's temper and unreasonable attitude to affect you, then all the best to you.
 
tingting,

that's an issue you need to work on. You have identified your weakness for being soft-hearted. What are you going to do about it?

In life, we need to make hard decisions and learn to say no. You only live once.

I think the constant attempts to break is probably fueling his insecurity. I repeat that you need to be respected. If you decide to break off, he must respect your decision. It takes 2 to tango.
 
powder,
Can say during this 6mths i do really observe him seriously. he's actually quite busy with his work everyday till abt 10 or 11 plus(normally 9-5).he actually quite homely guy also.. do always filial towards his family parents.he got many frnds utside thr.. but just don know why when he gather with his own frnd thr then will make sure smsing me always. once late repling he sure get up again... puzzle man
 
milo,
Can you imagine i did break off with him for 3 times? but he just hanging ard my place nearby... such indirectly pressured to me that don push him away.It's nt nice to make him suffer there alone. I talk to him super super nice way enough... then i really have to being rough liao..
 
tingting

3x is nothing.. if u hv that sort of thinking of not having him suffer alone then guess u will hv to resort to the suffering with him liao..

like i said.. u hv to be firm.. u hv to show him that there is no chance at all for both of u to be together.. he will get the drift de..
 
IF U are in here to seek advise BUT turn Deaf Ear, giving 101 excuse/reasons to sustain your points, it's meaningless....

Guess as much as Powder.....

Boys & Gals - Time to save your saliva =)
 
Tingting

Are you two happy being together? He constantly feels that you ain't good enough and you are in constant fear of him. Happy meh? I dare say none of you is happy.
 
ha ha.. not the number of times.. to break off.

I also break off with gf many many times.. (more than 5 times) sometimes she breaks .. sometimes I break.... always patch back..

Important thing is after patch back.. means must be happy together.. meaning previous reasons for break-up not valid or resolve already..

Else if not resolve.. will always come back to square one..

I know it is not easy to initiate a break-up and stick to it. But if you have to do it, you have to do it.
 
"..but he just hanging ard my place nearby... such indirectly pressured to me that don push him away.It's nt nice to make him suffer there alone."

Well, if he doesn't suffer, you will, unless he knows that what he's doing to you is not right and is willing to change.

Relenting to his appearance at your place is only telling him that as long as he does that you will get over whatever it was that caused you to want to leave him and return to him.

U dun have to explain to any of us why you are still staying put in the r/s cuz it's your life that we are talking abt. While we could tell u how we feel abt your r/s, end of the day, it's dependant on how long you are willing to take this unhappiness. Otherwise, you have to get use to his possessiveness and live with it without any complain.
 
TingTing: I think you are finding reasons of why are you staying in this r/s. It is not too healthy coz being in a r/s means comfort, secure, happiness etc, there is not a need to keep assuring yourself or finding a reason of why you should stay on. Once it happens, it will simply means that you are kinda of forcing yourself to go on and you are not happy at all.. Do you want to lead such a life for your next at least 30 yrs, do you see him as someone who you can spend your life with? ONly you have the answers.
 
TingTing,

making tough decisions would come with its consequences too. Yes, he could be hurt but do u want to a future with him. If no, then why r u wasting both your time??
 
Thanks for all advice above. Will do try patiently help him grow up from his problem above. Hope i nvr waste my effort & time for him cos overall, his problem is only too possesive to me.
 
It is not easy but if you had made up your mind, don't give up easily. Afterall, you have to be the person who makes the decision.
happy.gif
 
Hi tingting,

Your boyfriend seems very much like my hubby.
Like your boyfriend, my hubby is also very busy at work. He is also very popular with his staff and filial to his parents.

It's just that at the same time, he will always think of me and the kids. Whenever, he has some free time in between appointments, he will call me. He does get upset if I missed his calls, luckily he doesn't get angry for long.

We have known each other for 13 yrs and happily married for 7 yrs.
He is a devoted husband and father to the kids, almost perfect to me except this flaw.
So I'm sure for your case, you can work out something with your boyfriend.

These are some suggestions that I tried :
1. Hang your handphone around your neck.
2. Put your handphone on your working desk (Suggestion given by the forum, I think it's a great idea)
3. Check your handphone every hour.
 
Albee, please read thr everything. Its not just about phonecall. This man drive dangerous and black face whenever he is angered. Till a point that tingting is afraid of him. Does your husband do that? So afraid that even she dare not even voice out issues they have. Not to mention meeting up everyday is still not enough. Her social life is cut to zero to keep him assured.

Ting ting wrote : "He always said he trusted on me when everytime i went for drinking session or ktv with best pals. But when time comes, he will keep smsing me ask me whether got drunk or nt. i understand he's being concern abt my whereabout and whether did drunk somewhr. cos overall he is worried abt me... nowadays i stop meet up frnds for drinking or party anymore. Just hope that his mind be ease. Hope he understand i really did sacrifice lots for him. My question here, how am i going to let him feel more ease when i'm outing with my best pals or gf?"

Basically, she just shuts up whenever he throws his tantrums. Unless he grows up, its very hard to work.
 
Hi tingting,

Maybe your boyfriend prefer you to be the "traditional good girl" kind who don't drink or party.

Does your boyfriend restricts your freedom if you do "good girl" kind of activities like eg. volunteer activities in old folks' home, Schools volunteer or meet your girlfriends in cafes or library activities or cooking sessions with his mum.

My hubby prefers the "good girl" kind, luckily these are the activities I enjoy, I don't really like clubbing (2nd hand smoke, drunk people)

So if your boyfriend is like my hubby, do you think you want to change yourself to suit him?

If you change yourself too much, you may not know yourself anymore. It will be tiring.
Maybe it's better to find someone who can accept your lifestyle.
 
albee,
1. Hang your handphone around your neck.
Will nt do that cos feeling being tighten
2. Put your handphone on your working desk (Suggestion given by the forum, I think it's a great idea)
yes i did. i believe alot ppl put their hp at working desk for sure.
3. Check your handphone every hour.
Unless he nvr open msn if nt have to chk every half an hour on hp.

Thanks for all above advices. His behaviour to me i still acceptable but i believe the trust still nt thr to me. Feeling being stalker to me only. I'm now still hoping myself can cope with him. I seldom clubbing since 2 years ago & quite homely girl and everyday watching scv discovery channel or tvb drama..and i have to say drinking session with best pals does nt mean i'm nt "good girl" for him.i really need to find myself balance also.well, i'm willing to accommodate him while hope he can balance his needing from me too.
 
well.. I frankly dun see the need to change ur life entirely for another person.. to accomodate is fine up to a certain extent but to give up ur whole being & be transformed into another in the mould of that person (eg ur bf or hb) to me he might as well clone u into what his expectation of u is!

I can see that both Tingting & Albee lives in fear, in fear of missing calls, in fear of not returning sms within a time frame, in fear of bf or hb being angry.. (thankfully not for long) gosh!!!

but so long as both of u r happy with the way ur life is now, then just live it the way it is.. praying that in the long road down, ur bf or hb won't have more ideas or stuff that they expect u to do but u nv did & then they get angry again.

again to many others here I supposed these are not acceptable nor fesible.. quote : hanging hp over ur neck - bear in mind that doing this in the long run will result in aching neck/shoulders.. I knew it coz in my old co, where we are all running ard alot, we need to carry hp this way so that we have our hands to do other stuff or not to misplace our hp.. but to do this for fear of missing ur hb calls.. (unless it is life threatening) I am speechless.

of coz everyone have their lives to live, I chose to live my own life and I can prove that u can DO it if u want but if u choose to stay in ur usual rut now then really no point complaining watsoever..
 
tingting...IF you think you are acceptable to his behaviour, then WHY are you posting here for advices?

Surely...there is something about your bf that you are not ok with, ie. his constant keeping tabs on you. This IS a behaviour.

No trust in you --> constant calls/smses --> BEHAVIOUR
Do not reply sms on time --> black face, drive dangerously --> BEHAVIOUR

This is what it is bothering you, isn't it?
So how can you say you are acceptable to it? Did we read it somewhere that you fear him?

Accomodate to his demands till you lose your way of living a NORMAL life? Your life dun surround your bf only.

You can continue sitting there....hoping & hoping. Maybe...maybe only lah, one fine day when you wake up, your bf has changed totally! Wahh...your wish come true!
 
I guess people do change and compromise when 2 people got together. Tingting, it is okay to change and compromise to his demands, his expectations etc if it is reasonable, but remember do not lose your true self in between the changes..
happy.gif
 
By giving in beyond what u can bear, u r encouraging the behavior. Until the day u want to put a stop to it, its already too late. To him, u changed. u were the good obedient gal that was happy with him but now no more. This is not to scare. This is human psychology.

When we continue to silent endure, the behavior is enfored. Hist entire mentality that this is good and working will be further re-enforced. Now, its handphone and clubbing. What's next? Will he one day control clothes u wear and who u befriend? Don't let that insecure monster in him grow.
 
Agree, I guess there is a limit to the tolerance level of every single one.. thus, we should not lose ourself regardless of the changes that we have to undergo/take.
 
Hi tingting,

I think salsa latina is right. You can't change a person's character.

I tried to change my hubby, as in I protested and ask him not to call when I'm busy. He relented but after a while it's back to square one.

Don't worry, if you do get married to him, he will transfer some of his affections to his children. You will not be the only one in his mind.

As long as he is not violent and you have more fun times with him than bad times, you can try to accept him for what he is.
 
Milo

u hit the nail on the head, that is what I'm trying to say... what else will come next?
As for the clothing & befrding thing, it is a surely thing.
I kena that before.. gradually more of his expectations will come..
 
"It's just that at the same time, he will always think of me and the kids. Whenever, he has some free time in between appointments, he will call me. He does get upset if I missed his calls, luckily he doesn't get angry for long."

Albee, does your husband do these antics to the children?

"My hubby prefers the "good girl" kind, luckily these are the activities I enjoy, I don't really like clubbing (2nd hand smoke, drunk people)"

Smoking has long been banned at clubs, bars and pubs lah. Anyway, people who smoke and/or drink are not bad people.
 
tingting, i think u shld look at albee as an example (really, no puns intended)...
either u find ways to accept the bf's compulsive behaviour and be truly happy (keep Hoping, or keep ur fingers crossed)

or be super-duper firm on the fourth breakup... this one, i keep my toes crossed as well.
 
one thing...
what does answering phonecalls and SMS promptly got to do with being good gal or not?

Don't u have meetings and video conf calls that could last for hours. Then how? He would be fumingly mad liao!

This is an unreasonable behavior. Its okie to give-in periodically. But not something that he expects of you.
 
A curious qns...

ehhhhh... so long as he is not violent??

WHAT IF : one day he turns violent.. then how?
so long as he dun kill u eh..

just curious..
 
Reading the current few posts,

On one note, this is causing enough attention to be raised. On another, justifications seem to be rolling in as well.

Is it confusion or totally having no clue of what you want?

Yeah we can bank on the thoughts of hopefully... hopefully.... while it's only you who is hoping.
 
"Don't worry, if you do get married to him, he will transfer some of his affections to his children. You will not be the only one in his mind."

Sorry but, Albee...are you living in some wonderland?

There is seriously a problem that they need to solve here. To think that by getting married and having kids will 'divert' the bf's attention is naive.
 
Albee,

Hopefully I did not decipher wrongly but your repetitive posts regarding your husband's behavior often gives me that perception that;

1) You do actually enjoy his "attention" for you although you made it sound like a habitual problem,

2) Using your case as a role model for others to follow almost guarantee that it might work while we are dealing with different people here,

3) Advocating values to be submissive,

4) Showing off.

Your yardstick of acceptance might not work for others and the theory of offering someone the left side of your face to slap if he slapped your right side does not always works.

We've got to have a much more neutral stand of views when we had already realize obsessive compulsive behavior is in play.
 
Upon being submissive for a long time, the issue will simply become a habit whereby the parties jus take it in their stride and thus they won't see it as a problem usually. I don't think actions of love includes and involves being "possessive" and the "need" to do things due to a "fear" factor.
 
Hi HBH,

From tingting's last Post, she said she is acceptable to her boyfriend's behaviour and willing to accomodate.

So I thought it's ok for me to give her some examples of how I cope and that it did not necessary end in a disaster.

Do you mean giving eg. of blissful marriage equals to show off.
I thought it's suppose to encourage people if we manage well, things will work out. ehe???
 
"It's just that at the same time, he will always think of me and the kids. Whenever, he has some free time in between appointments, he will call me. He does get upset if I missed his calls, luckily he doesn't get angry for long."

Albee, does your husband do these antics to the children?
 
hi Albee,

while your intention are good. But, its worrying to just tell her not to worry and assure that it will surely improve with kids.

This clearly isn't generically true loh. We have be careful with such assurance. I'm sure we all have seen many cases of insecure men harming the women they loved.
 
Next time, it'll be:

Do not reply sms on time --> black face, drive dangerously WITH WIFE AND 2 KIDS

Wow Tingting's bf is a "wonderful" husband material lol.
 
Hi doll,

Antics to the children???
My children are 4yr and 2yr. They are too young to pick up the phone.

But sometimes when my hubby calls, I passes the phone to the children. They will babble to him.
He finds it amusing.

Actually, he does that to me too when I call him too. Isn't it cute to hear your children's voice over the phone.

You should try it. It really brightens your day.
 
yes, it nice. But I don't expect my wife to die die must pick the phone to give me this instant gratification. Get the point?
 
Albee, what is the purpose of a phone call? It is to communicate, to express concerns. How come it takes a focus in missed calls leading to his anger?

If I had a bf or husband who behaves this way, which I doubt so because I have low threshold for possessive behaviour, distrust and insecurity, I will tell him NOT to call me anymore. Instead, he should wait for my call. This way, there will be no missed calls and no one has to get upset.

Your husband's phone call no longer looks like just a phone call to communicate with you or express concerns for you. That's how I see it. But again, if you are OK with this, so be it. We can only tell you that it is NOT normal, NOT usual. Don't glorify it.
 
Being able to hear ur kids babble is nice
& it brighten up ur day.. true.

however different scenario does lits up different feelings, imagine u r in a intl conference mtg, ur kids call u up.. to babble for a good 5 mins.. will u pick up the phone then? or will u just end it short with a "i'll call u back" & hang up?

which is which??

dun tell me ur hb had nv called u in a wrong timing before??? so what if u missed his call, so long as u return his call or rather dun go missing for weeks or mths, I see no reason for his anger.

missing a call to justify his anger is definitely not right...
 
Hi Ting ting,

Everytime you give in to him when he showed the angry face, to him, it may be implied that you are fine with this treatment.

Would you like to start something small, such as learning how to react when he showed his displeasure?
 
Hi doll,

From your Post, you seem to be an assertive, righteous, "no nonsense" kind of girl. Good for you!

I think Tingting and my character are different from yours.
It's good to hear a different view and learn from them.
 
pig,
Before that i may need to know what really happen actually he show me his anger.. If due to his heavy workload or pressured from his own business then i may don give a damn.But usually my reaction to him is being quietly beside. thats the reason he may thought i'm fine with his anger to me. Just have a good talk with him last night. he explained & willing to change his attitude "possesive" to me. Hope he don just talk only...
 
It is not easy for someone to change his usual habits/behaviour but I guess you had taken the 1st step to express your discomfort towards his attitude. Kanbatei, hope he really does changes for the better for himself and the sake of the r/s.
happy.gif
 


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