A Place for Singles


actually I feel pple earning high income may be worse off than those who earn average. Cos their parents/relatives/friends expect more from them.
 
Hi SM,

I also think it's not fair to your kids to sell off the place. Cos kids do need a place for stability. A home to call theirs.

In any case, even if you go for divorce, I'm sure the court won't order you to sell the house. you have a good chance to retain it. cos your kids are still young. At least the smaller 2.
 
i remember two years ago i was doing up my house and preparing for ROM, after getting bonus i will give abt 3 to 4 times of what i normally give.. but that year i gave only twice the amt.. my mum also know the reason so she nvr say anything... anyway she used that $$ i gave her to buy a diamond pendant for my ROM, which i wore... so this year everything was done and settled and i had spare cash.. i gave her more.. abt 5 times.. so she was very happy...

i mean between parents and shildren got to give and take.. i dun really like parents demanding $$ from children, cos it will worsen relationship.. make the parents like $$ minded and doesn't care for the kids... if parents know how to handle such situation with money, when they grow old, children will be more inclined to support and feed them cos of all the things the parents had done for them...
 
Agreed, Ceci.

But I think there are some parents out there who can't handle these issues in a PR manner. like my MIL. So it may sour relationships. At least in the meantime lah. Next time, maybe okay loh.
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bitchy.. i understand some mothers will request cos they are not secure... maybe your mum thinks cos you are a gal and will eventually have your own family... so she wanna save up more for old age... maybe she didn't put it across too well for you to see it...

like my mum , she has 3 daughter including me (i;m the eldest), all of us knows we will take care of parents even when we have our own family... my new house is just 5 mins walking distance from her.. i forgo 'the pinnacle' which i got a very good queue number... and chose to stay at AMK where i grew up in.. my hb very understanding also... he knows i wanna take care of my mum cos there's no sons ... so he treats them like his own parents also... my in laws place near town at bugis area... they also say good to stay near my parents..
 
Cecilia,

I agree. Sometime when my mum talk ab $$ to us, We feel abit annoying. When I ask her why keep talking ab money, she will say "dont talk ab $$ then talk ab wa"
 
cactus, maybe your hb also have the right mindset to begin with... i dunno how to say.. maybe becos your hb is the eldest so the parents see it as rightful that he should support them?

if your hb really can't afford to, must really tell the parents how much he can afford to give them and why is it so.. better be more direct than to harbour inner thoughts abt each other..
 
bitchy haha! your mum feels insecure la... old ppl thinking... they wanna have an idea who they can count on for the rest of their lives...
 
Hi Ceci,

My husband is not eldest. There is an elder brother, who had everything paid for - 5 years of overseas education + wedding expenses (from 46 tables of $688+++ to GDL to jewelry for his wife).

In the end, this elder brother only started giving allowance to my MIL (only $300/month) last year.

Reason - he migrated overseas, so MIL didnt chase him for allowance. My husband stay with her, see her every day, so she keeps asking him for allowance. That's what my husband thinks lah.

To be honest, my husband can afford to give his mom allowance. That's cos we don't have housing loan cos never buy yet, and we saved up like crazy so dun need to take up wedding loan.

It's not an issue of cannot afford, but more that my husband is not happy giving so much to his mom cos it takes away $ from our joint savings every month and he feels unfair that his 2 siblings only give $300/month (and is getting more monetary benefits like free wedding dinner and free overseas education + free childcare minder and free meals) and he is giving much much more.
 
She still gt 2 others daughter lor... I am the eldest also. She always say in all her daughter I am the most unfilial one. Last time I do feel she abit unfavourtism toward me, but now I dnt bother... I feel that I have done wa a daughter should do and if she still think I am not a filial daughter to her, then be it lor... it her mindset I cant change her. But sometime when she good she is good la...
 
Just wondering... would it be true to say that older women without husbands tend to be more "clinging" and want more security, especially if they have had bad financial planning when they were younger?
 
cactus.. its true.. my friend's mum is like that.. divorced and two dotters with her.. keep asking $$ for eldest one who got married from a quite well to do family.. she ask for 1K a month to look after her new born grandson... and not inclusive of anything.. diapers, food and clothing expenses are extra charges... super ...

cactus, then tell your hb to give $300 also... if he really cares so much... i also think its quite unfair la.. but parents always have different treatments to sons compared with daughters...

bitchy, sometimes its also your own attitude.. not neccessary your mum... from what u said.. i felt you are resentful... so your mum felt it thats why say you most unfilial..
 
My MIL is a widow leh... she might feel insecure. But becos she kw the impt of $$ for us, so she nv ask from my hub for allowance when she move with us. My MIL is a very easy going with $$.. althou sometime she nag we wasted money la...
 
bitchy, maybe cos your MIL has rent to collect so she has means to feed herself in a way... since both of you already feeding the family including her, she do not need to take a cent more from you two right? expenses all paid for... so she did the right thing...
 
cecilia,

Maybe I am abit resentful, but becos I am the eldest I always kena all the bad things... but I tell myself once I move out I will hear less of her nagging (beside she have gone down alot less nagging). I will still try my best to be a better daughter even if she feel I am not. One day she will know. But at least I still have a good MIL(havent stay with her yet).
 
Hi Ceci,

I don't think I want to encourage my husband either way - to tell him to give only $300 to continue giving his mom what he's giving now. Cos at the end of the day, it is mother and son. Very precious ties. I don't want to be the other woman to sour their relationship, if you get waht I mean.

Actually, I dun mind the $ given to my MIL. I'm not happy but I'm not bitter. I'm just bitter at the unfairness in treatment by her towards all 3 kids and her unfair demands on my husband.

But I guess I need to get over it quickly so I can support my husband mentally and emotaionlly cos he is in a more difficult position than me. After all, it's only a IL to me. But it's his mom.
 
cactus, rara,

As for my case, actually I understand her point of view - it is actually not unreasonable.

Because if we going the divorce route (or even judicial separation), then it does not make sense to have joint onwership of our house. Selling it is a disruption to the children but it is necessary as it will be pointless.

I have explained to them. As much as they are reluctant they begin to understand. Of course it is possible for my wife to get another house (she is renting now and the rent kept going up) but it will be more cost effective of us to sell the house so that she can buy her own.

Actually I really have no problem selling the house - just that it will be disruptive and the children do have a sense of belonging to the house. But in life we need to learn to deal with changes - so I told them we have to take it as it comes.

There is really no major problem but I was just ranting - that is all.

As for allowances to parents, we do our best - no need to care or compare about how much how brothers/sisters are contributing. But if we feel unfair then this has to be sorted out - otherwise we continue to live in a state of "unfairness" for the rest of our lives.
 
Cherry apple - I agree with you. In a way, I guess I will never know as I'm the only child but I look around myself, my cousins... I see it.
 
started with my ranting... and SM's insights... then Skylar read until blur when she returned from lunch!
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Can't wait for the day to end. Just told my 330pm meeting pushed back to 4pm. xian. Tonight have wedding dinner to attend. sure late one.
 
the wedding dinner is at raffles town club. Not easy to get there. solemnization at 6pm. Confirm PLUS guarantee cannot make it there even if I leave office at 530pm sharp. Plan is to take train to Novena/Newton, husband pick me up from there, then go down together.... Dinner starting at 730pm.
 
simpleman, it's really heartening to see that you have such sensible children. you have brought them up well.

changes are indeed inevitable in life. rejecting change actually makes life more difficult than trying to adapt to it.
 
Hey SM,

I was mulling over whether or not to share this with you cos it seems your family has decided to go with the flow..

But think I'll regret not sharing this with you.

I think there may be something beneficial to younger kids to continue livingin the same home even if parents divorce. I know that the courts usually give the family home to the parent who has care and control/custody over the kids. The courts have reasoned this out, saying that there is change in the parents' relationship, there should be some form of stability given tot eh kids, like a home that they are familiar with.

But this sounds like a general statement. Prob won't apply to every situation. And you are best judge of what is best for your kids yah. Just felt like sharing.
 
Oh.. I have nothing much to say abt favouritism and MIL.. My MIL is ok, only dun like the way she speaks.. like a bit "guai wan mo jiao" (v indirect). I am the kind who will speak directly esp w family cos I dun see why we cannot speak out more honestly amongst own family members. V painful to have to wear a mask at work and at home also.

My hb gives her a small token sum as allowance every mth while i dun contribute at all. Afterall I dun even give my parents (my allowance to them wld be such a pittance compared to their expenditure) so why shld I give my ILs?

As for favouritism I dun have any issue altho my hb isn't treated as well as his younger bros, esp the youngest one. Maybe something to do with the fact that I "chased" them out of my home last time... :P
 
Bitchy I chased them out cos I wasn't happy when they were staying at my home for nearly 1 yr and never offered to help w anything lor.. basically treated my home like a hostel. Somemore my MIL still came to help them w laundry every week.. How can they ask their mum to come and clean my toilet right?? And I din collect rent from them. They are really "bu zhi dong" lor. So short of me moving out of my own home, I told my hb they must move out. My hb supported my decision reluctantly but becos of that my MIL was unhappy and as a result my AD was also delayed (AS IF I CARE!!). My MIL blamed my hb for not standing up for his bros. I'm glad my hb agrees that his bros live like pigs and told his mum that the house belongs to me also.
 
cactus,

I understand perfectly what you are trying to say. I have been mulling as well and I have been thinking and analyzing.

My thought process is this. This has nothing to do with court's ruling. I rather not get the courts involved as I prefer to settle things ourselves.

I agree on the stability part but is not so sure if it is right nor the best. The house is really the last vestige of our marriage and for the children it may signify some hope that the family will be whole again? Is this realistic? We it mean that they are still hanging to this hope?

I rather that if it is not realistic to disappoint them now and to start a new life - to cut the ties and look forward.

Another thing. A happy-separated wife is many times better than a not-so-happy-separated wife. Her happiness will have a direct bearing on the children. I would rather she be happy so that the children can be happy. If selling the house makes her happy, why not?

For me, if I think rationally, selling the house is logical. Why do I want to have her owning part of the house?

All in all, I am 70% incline to sell although I would like to take my time. It's a bit disruptive but then again, having a broken family is disruptive enough - shifting house is not so bad lah in comparison
 
Your husband is so cool, G-gal! Sorry for saying this, but if only pink button's husband (from another thread) is as good as yours, pink buttons won'tbe so poor thing now....
 
cactus,

wondering if it's viable for your hub to cut the allowance to maybe $700 and just say that he's getting insurance to provide coverage for his parents... else the money is either under-utilised or used for unimportant purposes...

i agree it's important to honour the 'agreement', but i feel putting $300 into insurance (u can put lesser or dun put) is a better way becos besides daily provisions, u also have future provisions... anyway for me - i'd just do it, than to seek approval... cos the ultimate good is more important.

where just a thought...
 
actually I think my wife has a brilliant idea - she did mentioned it once. she once mentioned we should sell the house and buy 2 apartments very close to one another (neighbours) - so that she live separately from me and yet be close to the children.

Tell me about the ingenuity of woman!
 
Cactus, I read abt PB's issue w her MIL from Hell. Sad... I guess not every guy has balls. For me, I'd never let myself be bullied. If my hb was like PB's I'd prolly just leave him to rot w his mum. Of coz I'd also try to catch the MIL in the act w voice recorders and maybe pinhole cams. If there's any dispute over the house, they better be ready for a lawsuit.
 
Hi powder,

i know where you are coming from, but my husband and i are taking the attitude that MIL ask for $, we give (up to limit of $1k no matter what happens in the future). My husband has made it clear to MIL that this $1k will cover her expenses in good times as well as bad. We already got her health insurance which should cover everything (cos with cash rider) and it is as per charged in B1 or B2 govt hospital ward. My MIL klnows she needs to pay the premiums herself. My husband told her if she stops paying premiums and next time hospitalized, my husband will only pay for her C class ward charges and related costs.

In a way, my husband has given up hope on his mother where $ is concerned. Instead of wasting energies to analyse where the money is going, he just gives what was previously agreed to and not a cent more. We won't question or advise her how to spend her money. It's her business loh. We don't have the time and enegery.

Actually, we know that my MIL spends alot of $ on food and toys for my husband's sister's child. And she gambles quite a bit. Plays Mahjong here and goes to genting once every 2 or 3 months.A couple of days each visit. But it's really her life.

Maybe that's why my husband so sad regarding the allowance.
 
cactus, pinkbuttons hb is the only son right? Much tougher lah..

anyway, ggal is way more fierce than pinkbuttons - so it helps.. ha ha ha
 
Simpleman, it's a good idea if she doesn't mind seeing you as often as the kids. But actually if I were your daughter, I wldn't want to move out of the family home too. There may be sad memories but this is the place where I grew up. Also, an apartment is quite a squeeze for 5 persons unless you get a 4-room but there is no space to run around for your little one.
 

going for meeting liao. have a great weekend ahead guys!

Thanks peeps for listening to my ranting earlier. I'll stay positive for husband's sake.
 
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