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cactus, I guess your hb needs counseling from you. Actually it is bothering him and makes him unhappy. If he can 'unlock' this lock, he will be much happier.

Seriously, I wish to be in a position of your hb.

Mom is always mom. whatever we do it will never change the fact. His mom is not that old? With age they will tone done a bit lah..

Actually look at it this way. Eldest son is pampared and have it all easy, does not know how to fight for himself. Your hb mom is actually very nice to your hb - giving him the necessary training to be independent and fight for himself. He should be thankful for this. Sometimes if you asked pampered kids - they wish they could have a life not planned by their parents.
 


cactus, no point to argue with him. It is his will, his perogative. Ask him to write a in his will teo tell his parents why he din give them a single cent.

Actually if your hb is dead, why bother about what others will think.. OK.. this is just me.. cos woman probably can't handle half-truths about themselves as well as man.
 
Simpleman, my MIL is turning 59 this year.
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She's very youthful cos she plays with her grandson throughout the day.
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She doesn't work so no stress. My friends commment she looks very very young!! She used to be quite pretty when she was younger.

Why do wish to be in my husband's position? I think it's an awful position to be in. Really. My husband even said he would die within a year from his mom.

I agree with what you say. My husband is lucky to fight for himself. Not to be pampered.

Actually, my husband's brother also not very pampered. Cos he left Singapore when he was young. All alone. To study. He was there for over 10 years. Now migrated there already. Married foreigner. He's quite tough. Cos western country. ANd he's chinese. Wife also chinese. So must fight too.
 
cactus, in summary actually don't have much of a problem.

1st problem is the 1K but I said if money is a problem it is not a problem.

2nd problem more serious is your hb mindset and his feeling of not being the favoured son. YOu got to help him rid of this feeling.
 
cactus,

cos you hb still has a mom. I don't! Anyway I am expert in handling mom and in-laws. Just appear deaf. It works 99% of the time.
 
Hi simpleman,

ACtually, I belong to a certain subgroup of hokkien. There is the practice of the bride's parents buying a house for the newly wedded couple to stay in. My own aunt was like that. A grandaunt also.

My mom's mom who is not hokkien told me that I have the right to request my parents to buy me a house. And she advised me to request, cos I'm an only daughter and my parents have the ability to buy. But I didnt want to use my parents' retiremenet $ so I didn't raise this up.

But my husband knows about it cos we discussed about this before.

My husband ok with staying 100% with my parents, cos he said his own home at night, will have up to 9 adults (5 room HDB flat). Too crowded. My home, 3 bedrooms, only my parents. If include us, only 4 people. My husbnad likes quiet. He hates noise. At night, at his house, he always hide in his room. Won't go out unless for dinner.

I believe that if I stay with my ILs for a few months after AD, then 100% stay with my parents, no one will gossip. My husband doesn't even care about staying for a months after AD with his parents. He said to stay 100% with my parents immediately after AD but my parents said NO! haha.
 
cactus, Actually you have a perfect situation. If it is not an issue.

Maybe get your parents to help pay for downpayment (and part of it) and you and hb service the installment. Then your parents can move in with you. this way, they will still have some cash for their retirement and stay with you at the same time.
 
Hey simpleman,

"2nd problem more serious is your hb mindset and his feeling of not being the favoured son. YOu got to help him rid of this feeling."

I don't want to pit myself against my MIL cos this is a Son and Mother issue. I want to continue respecting my MIL but don't want my husband to feel that I'm not loyal to him.

I also don't want to nag at my husband to "let his mother be" cos guys don't like nagging. i don't want to start.

Do you think it will help if I try make my husband happy and take his mind off these unhappiness by doing the following -

- continue cooking for him on weekends so he eats well
- remind him to sleep early
- handle administrative affairs for him like banking matters, booking of restaurants, coordinating get to gethers with friends (I've been doing this all along, but cos my work is very tough, sometimes he handles it although he admits I do a better job than me prob cos I'm more careful and merticulous and my job is desk bound)
- take time off to really do fun things with him once in a while, like go to the beach for sun and sea, go to escape theme park to find back the child in him, etc
- and to assure him that our finances are in good shape (cos I'm maintainig an excel spreadhsheet charting our projected savings v. projected expenditure)

Is there anything else you think I can do for him? I'm asking you cos you are a guy and may have certain views which I can't see or can't think of.
 
hi simpleman,

"Maybe get your parents to help pay for downpayment (and part of it) and you and hb service the installment. Then your parents can move in with you. this way, they will still have some cash for their retirement and stay with you at the same time."

I think I must be sounding crazy, but I don't really want my parents to move in with me. I feel that I would very much prfer if they maintain their independent lifestyle. Cos there is always give and take when people live together. I don't want to inconvenience my husband or my parents by them having to adjust on a permennant basis to each other's living habits.

Maybe I think too much for everyone.

My ideal situation is for both my parents and my ILs to live within walking distance from the home which my husband and I ultimately buy. So we can always look after each other. Maybe even in the same block!

But deinfately not to move in with us. Cos if my parents move in with us, my ILs may feel funny if they visit our kids in our home. It's like, not their son's home. I must think of their feelings. Cos they are very traditional.
 
cactus, what are you hb hobbies, or even his dreams. what he wants to do and never gets to do.. just ask casually or probe here and there.

If he likes to travel, wow that is good. save up and you two can have fun.. i mean without his mom tagging along of course.

If he like sports, then attend sporting events or even watch tv together at home.. know this is difficult at your current home.. but perhaps go out - have a drink or two and watch epl!

I don't know cos these are two of the things i like to do and if my spouse plan it out for me - it will be wonderful.

Of course, cooking a meal during weekends is very nice. Or if like outdoor go to botanic gardens for a picnic.. or if both like to read, go read a book - on the beach or whatever.
 
Hi simpleman,

"cactus, what hokkien subgroup is that?"

I dun know what hokkien subgroup it is. I can ask. the only prob is my auntie who should know is a peranakan so her chinese is very lousy.

All my mom's mom remmebers is my dad's mom (before she died) told her that my auntie and her from same part of hokkien, China. And they have the right to ask parents to buy house for them when they get married.

My dad's mom passed away when I was 14.
 
cactus, why you say your hb poor thing. do you feel this way and your hb knows that you are feeling this way? Seriously I don't think he is a poor thing. Being "bullied" by mom is very common. But it depends on how we deal with our mom. By you feeling this way,you may further perpetuate his feeling of being bullied and not the favorite son?
 
Thanks for your suggestions, simpleman. Will try it out. Focus on what he likes. Already I'm encouraging him to meet up with his guy pals for guy's night out only to de-stress and hopefully he shares with him things which he doesn't tell me (Im' sure all guys keep secrets from their spouses!
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) and to play sports which I don't play like tennis.
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I should work harder to keep his life balanced and not just about work and mom's problems.

I've been devoting my weekends solely to him. No work at all on weekends since we ROMed last year. it means much tighter deadlines on weekdays but have to give and take. can't have everything htat we want in life.
 
Hi simpleman,

"cactus, normally for dialect group.. it should be the place that they come from - the town and district.."

I've checked the tablet on the urn, no town and district. Perhaps cos my dad's side are more westernised. All christians.

I know what you mean. the town. My mom knows where she is from. The dialect and exact place but my dad, he's more careless, don't know. my dad's only sibling is english educated. dun know. It's a missing link.
 
Actually I also have a problem.

I asked my wife yesterday what are her plans. Is she filing for divorce. She said she don't know. And said even if filling for divorce, she will still will all her money to me???

But she would like me to sell our current house - so that she can get her share of money back to buy her own house.

What is she thinking about?
 
Simpleman -

"cactus, why you say your hb poor thing."

My husband told me he is caught between his mom and himself. Every month he is very unwilling to give his mom money. Then above everything, his mom demands more from him, and asks know why this month (for example) allowance is late. IOt drives him nuts, he said. THat's why I say he is poor thing.
 
Just back from lunch then kena abt 2 pages of reading liao... keekek..

Cactus,
changing ur hb mindset is very impt now man otherwise he will always feel that he is the less favored one..

as for the allowance, did either of u kinda bring it up to ur MIL? coz i think the sister giving $300 is really too little man.. but then again its not up to us to say lor..
 
skylar, aiyo... u pour more oil about the sister. he is already feeling un-favoured. forget about what the sister is contributing..
 
hi skylar,

husband/I didn't raise the issue of $300 allowance from his sister to mother although we feel it's too little. Cos it's an issue between mother and daughter. We shouldn't interfere.
 
Skylar, you reminded me of Rara's earlier post.

Rara - do you want to consider totally absorbing your parents' electricity and water bills and continue giving the same amount for allowance? You mentioned you are feeling some pressure to increase allowance and it is tight on your budget? i think if it's okay with your finances, perhaps to pay for their necessitiies instead of giving them $ outright. at least you will feel better knowing where your $ goes to.
 
Actually hor, it was only last year that my MIL started taking allowance from her elder son. He is 32 years old this year.... all along, no allowance taken.
 
I am also worry ab giving $$ to my mum after we moved out. I know it filial to give $$ to our own parents even if we marry and move out. But becos we have our own hse coming on the way, there is some stuff we have to pay ourselve... like bills and bank loan (I didnt even tell my mum I am getting a bank loan for my hse reno, cos she didnt mention if no enough $ to do then do a simple one, dnt loan from bank). I know she mean well but sometime if I can forgo the wedding dinner, it will be much much easier thing for us to do. My mum is a very traditional woman, she wa face. So she must have a wedding dinner and also wa use to faster marry. But we are still saving $$ for the dinner and she wont allow me to move in even the hse is ready. She say ppl will say... hai... I am also in a dilema. If the hse is done up within 2 mths, we cant let the hse empty ma. My mum suggest me to let my hub and his mum stay in the new hse 1st, but she ask me not to pay a single cents cos I havent moved in yet. But I dont wish to cos the hse support to me mine and my hub.. we should stay in 1st ma...(if u kw wa i mean)....
 
cherryapple,

U r not alone when dealing with parents who want face loh.... rest assured.

Maybe you can give some, take some. So your mom dun want you to move in first, and if you dun want your MIL to move in first, then you both just leave the place empty for 2 months. It's okay lah. After all, property prices shooting up, you guys prob bought back some time at a relatively good price yah? Can afford to keep it empty for 2 months...

as for giving allowance, I think must give loh.. even if $200 like me, also must give.
 
cactus,

honestly, i know exactly how ur hb is feeling. it is not that we don't want to give. but to be already giving beyond our means yet still face demanding requests as though we owe them something can be very disheartening.

what is different in my case is that i've been living with my aunt, uncle and 2 younger cousins since young. to be truthful, there's never been much of an emotional bond between my aunt and i. however, i still want to provide for her so when she requested me to give her allowance when i started working, i agreed without any qualms even though the amount is way above 'market rate' compared to what my friends are giving their parents. she also requested for increment when i got a pay increment.

it's very natural for ur husband to develop negative feelings about being the less-favoured child. even i can't help but feel upset sometimes, even though i know i have no right to ask for more attention/care than whatever my aunt is willing to give.

sometimes during times of pressure and stress, esp when we run low on our personal funds or have to incur additional expenses for a certain month and parents (my aunt in this case) don't understand, it's hard to control all these negative feelings of being unappreciated and unfairly treated from acting up.

for me, i am also saving very hard to get married. my bf and i are not expecting any financial help from our families. it will be good enough for us if they can take care of themselves. we still have study loans to clear, and we will have to get a place of our own cos neither of us have our own rooms in our homes.

many people, including relatives not living with us, have been encouraging me to talk to my aunt about gradually reducing my contribution. well, communication has never been smooth between us, so it will be hard. I will try to keep things status quo for as long as I can.

for ur hb, it might just be a bout of depression that hit him now. just give him more support, let him vent, and yes, plan time for him to unwind.

things will get better.
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Simpleman,
ur name very long to type leh.. so SM lor.. Senior Minister??? You think too much le lah.. whahaha..

Van,
how come my post remind u of Rara leh.. keke..

for all of u here ah,
do agree that giving allowance is really kinda pressuring lor. but no choice one, like me also gotta settle hse, pay bills, pay loans etc, then give parents & also settling my parents bills & all.. at times I really think all these eats up till i can hardly manage any savings on my own ah..
 
Thanks for the encouragement, Rara.

Yeah, mood swings affect us as it appears to also affect my husband.
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Once in a couple of months he'll just flare up. Usually precipated by his mom. cos he sees me work very very hard. and I know his heart pain. Then he also work very very hard. Then his $ go to his mom, and not his sibling's $ (not so much). So he becomes resentful.

Yah.. things will get better.
 
Skylar - wrong lah. Not Van. It's me.

U mentioned that you kena 2 pages of reading when you came back from lunch mah. So I remembered Rara's post about her pressure to increase allowance within that 2 pages of reading (apart from my ranting and SM's advice!)...
 
Ya I agree. It feel even worst when the government gets a increment. Who the hell invented $$.... can we pay with stones or pebbles that is painted in gold and silver.
 
just back from lunch.. sleepy friday...

so today about MIL/couple relationship ah.. keke..

my mum never ask me to give her allowance after i got my own house but i still gave her the same... think she quite happy with it... MIL better... tell hb no need to give.. save up and pay for own house or bring me go holidays.. haha
 
Wahaha.. Cac,
its u ah.. see lah.. i read until gong gong liao.. kekek..

but if ur hb becoming resentful ah.. really not very healthy leh.. hearing wat u say abt him complaining his mom to u also like quite jialatz liao..
 
Cecilia,

My MIL is better then my mum. We havent move in yet she already tell my hub not to give her allowance. Cos she got her own hse to rent out when she move with us.
 
Hi Cherryapple,

There is absolutely transparency between my husband and I. He knows my take home pay and my expenditure. It's not possible to save up for him loh. Not at all.

Every month I save about 88% of my take home pay and put it into our joint account. The rest goes into payment of my hp bills, food, transport costs, income tax (I pay monthly instalment) and allowance to my parents. It's really pushing my limits loh.
 
Cecilia,

No. She never ask me for increment. Even when I gt an increment I also wont tell her... cos I know she will ask for more. And if I obey then it will be tough for me. Anyway she is working also. She earning enough for her to play mahjong. And y allowance is extra to her.
 
simpleman,

ur wife still haven't found a permanent place to stay? personally i think she should spare a thought for the children because this is also their home, where they grew up in.

if what she really wants is to get a roof over her head, is it possible that u help her with her loan instead of selling ur current house?
 
From what I see here, cactus I think u do earn quite a high pay. But still u are having the same problem with us... that life ba. Even for those who earn high pay or low... they still face the same problem... $$.
 
Ceci,

U r very lucky... to have understanding parents and In-Laws.

I think no parent would want to force their kids to give them allowance loh. So my MIL also quite poor thing cos my husband so reluctant.

Bottom line is really must plan for our own future so our kids don't suffer. Like Ceci's mom and MIL. They are very smart pple.
 
hi cherryapple,

I think I earn higher pay than my average peers. But we face the same problems. Actually my health is not good also there is alot of additional expenses too. Having kids or healthy kids in the future is a real obstacle.
 


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