I'm not a happy person.
Not before I knew him. Not after. Or maybe I was, briefly, somewhere during the period of time when we were friends. And afterwards when we got together, life was good, sugar and sweets. It was the way it was when we all were kids, cute and happy.
Or maybe the novelty of all things new.
For the most part, he holds those memories very close to his heart. It was their first relationship and it lasted 9 years. I admire the life and love they had, without envy, because it was elusive, expensive, honest and well lived. Even more looking at it as a third party, all the more I believe I could see clearly, it was very much cherished. I've never had the luxury of such closeness and simplicity.
To cut the long story short, he passed all the items to me and told me to throw them away. I think he couldn't bear to do it. When he was about to leave I thought he almost cried. But he said he wasn't sad about parting with those things for he doesn't care, he just wondered why having done all that I asked, I didn't seem happy. I believe he was heartbroken, just didn't want to cause me any upset.
He said it didn't matter as long as it makes me feel secure and happy. When he said "You'd better be worth it." he meant if after forsaking his memories with her and throwing everything away, and eventually I still leave him, he will 'curse and swear' and 'hate me forever'.
Like I said, I don't know what it's like to be him, I won't understand what he's like or what they've had. Me, before I'm swept off my feet by a new romance, I usually would've found myself long gone from the old. He explained saying he's just the type to cherish things, and the longer he keeps them the more attached he gets. There's some truth to it, it gravitates to his personality and daily habits. He's not the wasteful kind, preferring things he's used to. Rides an old bike, thrifty, persists in his endeavours, reads old comics, rarely buys new clothes despite coming from a good family.
I guess it's karma or his very own way of punishing me? Because he gave me the blanket she bought him, he'd been sleeping without covers and now he's fallen sick with fever, sore throat. He's worried about getting H1N1, so he won't be going out with me. I have no idea whether he's over reacting (he does fall sick quite easily, got hand foot mouth disease twice) or whether he's making excuses, or I'm digging too deeply into this mis timing. So I suppose I'll simply blame it on timing. It's always easier when it's not on either one of us, him nor me.
How did everything get so complicated? If I were him, I'd use another blanket the next day. Wouldn't have fallen ill to start with. But nevermind now, we were supposed to get him a new one tomorrow, meet up before I get posted overseas in a few days, I'm not sure what's happening, how did everything go so wrong?
jaycomposer, in honesty, when I look at myself in the mirror, I don't like what I see. I'm really not much of a girlfriend, or much of a person to start with. I would've told you the same thing, even if I've never met him.
Despite him being a loser (aren't we all?), he's stuck with me through some difficult times, waited for hours without complaining, spent his last penny bringing me to the doctor at 3am, done what he could to make sure my needs were met, supported me when I was near bankruptcy. True we got together when life was nicer and rosier, when life got harder and so did the fights, but he's never left me.
Part of me is grateful for his being in my life, I wouldn't have known how to make it through the tough times if it were not for him, a loyal friend and good lover to me. Another part of me wondered if I would've even fallen so hard had we not come together, maybe I would've soared higher if this never started. Me being emotional, moody and illogical, I failed to handle this romance well. I have a lot to learn about balancing work, love and friends. Or maybe like he said, my expectations are just way too high. And in turn, I don't have much to give. All in all, life was okay before him, albeit a tad empty, sometimes lonely. But at least, I wasn't aching. Do people only ache when they love? What then do they do? Don't love therefore they don't ache? But what then is the meaning of it all? I apologise if I cheapen the four letter word, as you can see from my thread, questions and doubts, I'm the last person I can think of, with the ability to apply proper meaning to the word 'love'.
Jay, he dumped me once. He didn't beg. I did. If I dumped him, he wouldn't have begged. He didn't even beg his ex when she left him. Simply told her he'll "still accept her and take her back if she changes her mind". Of course, I reminded him it's not in his place to accept her because really, dude, she left him. You get the drift on what he's like. In this dictionary, no words come close to being down on his knees.
I don't have it figured out. Say smoking, I do it behind his back despite him saying he'll dump me if I do. I think though, I'm allowed to do it as long as it's not blatantly or defiantly right in front of his face. What gives?
powder, I apologise if it's painfully obvious that I'm running in circles. But what exactly is happening? Am I letting a good person go? Should I stop and look at this objectively? Is he seriously wrong for me and I for him?
Take for instance, he wants to treat me to club med for my upcoming birthday. I said okay let's go. He's disappointed that I'm not as thrilled as he is. When I tell him there's nothing exciting about going to freaking club med because it's really just food, wine and relaxing, you eat and you piss and shit, he's disappointed. On one hand, I felt sorry I didn't react the way he'd expected, if I knew I would've pretended to jump for joy. When he asked me what I prefer, I said I'd rather go somewhere nice like burma, which he'd dread and probably fall sick there due to bad weather and poor conditions.
We can't seem to gel in many ways but I love him very deeply. How can it go so wrong to be fond of something or someone honestly? Why can't the both of us just ever be happy and smooth sailing. I know that life is never a bed of roses, or maybe I need to grow up, get some perspective because I may not be ready for a serious relationship... or maybe he's just an egoistical cad who's taking me for a rebound... which is which? What is what? When it comes to the heart, surely there must be more to it than simply being 'happy'...
I hate being separated from him and I dread my work. But will go anyway, it feels like the old life is coming back, maybe this is just the way it is, full circle, all for nothing. Just wasted, childish notions.
