Jane: Really open on the spot ah? =X Our ROM was 2 years ago...they didnt discuss anything yet. Housewarming (but we havent shift into new place yet) was last month, they all MJ whole day also never discussed anything.
Mum was asking if we really need such a "formal" type of meet-up, I guess all would look quite awkward. And MIL mentioned something about hb's aunt being the "mei-po" OH NO!!!!!
Shugar: Hi Five! My parents very relaxed but my in laws very gan cheong (and abit kiasu, stingy and calculative..oopps..haha!)
Maybe you guys should try to find out the range which both sides parents are looking at? I think traditionally, the bride's parents can request for a certain Pin Jin but nowadays, adding on banquet tables, GDL items etc etc, most parents will request for token amounts. Perhaps you can ask your mum roughly how much she expecting? Then ask your hb if he has heard from his parents? I certainly do not wish for any rude shock or for anyone to appear awkward. Really if worse come to worst, their expectations too far apart, you both can try negotiating/hinting each's parents first to get common understanding or to actually top up the difference by yourselves?
I "almost" had a conflict with in-laws last year due to mismatch of expectations. Since ROM (late 2005) till now, we have casually talked to both sides parents to get a feel of what they want or offer. So all along, my mum keeps saying no need much bethoral gifts, no need huge amt of Pin Jin, they only want tables at the banquet to invite relatives and friends given that I am the eldest daughter at home. When in laws asked us to confirm last year, my parents at first said 15 tables. I personally thought it's too many and thus requested that they trim down, despite the true fact that I do have very large extended families. Dad has total 10 other siblings and Mum has 9 siblings. Mum in the end told hb she is looking at 12 tables (inclusive the VIP table).
All along when we talked about 15 or 12, I would have expected hb to drop hints to his parents. BUT HE DIDNT. And I made the mistake of not checking on their intended offer right from beginning. At one dinner, his parents asked me. So I said 12. I could feel his parents were abit taken aback but they didnt voice out. So I quickly added that my parents are not expecting anything else. Can go easy on other stuff like angbao or gifts.
One week later.....his mum told me that she heard from her relatives that "by law", groom only has to give brides 8 tables. What law is that??? She said what FA FA FA, good auspicious number etc etc. I knew my face dropped. I acted bimbo and said, "Oh Is It? Sorry, we really dont know your "law", next time you must tell us earlier. Because all my gfs got 10, 12, 15 and even up to 20 tables at their weddings." She then quickly added that she still planning to order alot of bethoral gifts like roasted suckling pig, liquor, cakes whatever. I reminded her my parents already conveyed they dont need any of such things.....(so you can see? some old folks will never hear what you have said)
It was very unpleasant. The fact is my parents are those non-traditional types, they enjoy parties and entertaining but would have no use for those gifts. My parents have even initially suggested that we should just go honeymoon wedding (now i really wish i have opted for that) and save the hassle/money of preparing a customary wedding. It was the in laws who insisted on one. Anyway, hb knew I was clearly very upset by his mum's words. And I also angrily told him that I would pay for the 4 extra tables by myself. In the end, he went back to talk to his parents and they relented. They themselves also last min told us they need 15 tables lor when FIL only has 2 siblings and MIL has 8 and definitely lesser family friends compared to my side.
No more mention of no. of tables but they are now gan cheong about collection of angbaos *FAINT* I think they very scared their guests would pass angbaos to my side instead.
I felt embarrassed by this incident but was glad that MIL told me in my face, rather than to embarrass my parents in their faces. Who wants to be seen like a "lion opening big mouth" right? And esp when they are asking for pretty standard things.
That's why I feel you better get a feel of their expectations prior to Sunday.
I am also extremely worried about the meet-up, I wonder what other bombs would be dropped. I didnt tell my parents what MIL did and their now gan-cheong attitude, so as not to affect her impression of them or hb. Hopefully the in laws will AUTO abit and be more DA FANG.
Crazy hor? One min we are happily discussing the preps, one min we would be sprouting all our grievances =P