#Stuckinbetween

[missyting]

Recently, we (bf and me) had lots of unhappiness between us when comes to wedding planning.

1. Both aged 30. No proposal yet. Bto to come only in 2019.

2. In the midst of these unhappiness, he said words which I felt that is as though its a one party thing:-
a) "是你急，我不急“ . He said im the one who is rushing into marriage, but not him.
b) Because I want it, so he accomodate and is ok to have the wedding held this year. Otherwise, he see no purpose for doing so since bto will only be ready in 2019. (and he kept emphasize that i'm the one who wants, so he just give whatever i want)
c) Initial Plan was to hold the wedding in Dec. But I do have two dates (Nov & Dec) in mind and had shared with him. He agreed. And I personally prefer the Nov date. But my bff will have to give a miss due to overseas trip. So, decided to stay put as Dec. Days after, realised Wedding dates might clash with one of the relatives, so i suggest to choose the alternative date which is Nov (weighing between few factors i.e. Clash on relatives side & Bff vs Relatives (because of the min. tables requirement). & here comes the arguements.
d) He is unwilling to change the date (agn) to Nov because he felt that why should we accomodate to them? They should change instead of us. (He is just so unhappy to change because he had the mentality that why should we be the one to accomodate and think for others and change for the sake of others). I did tell him my reasons to do so : to avoid relative clash because which wedding function should these grp of relatives attend? moreover, we have a min. no. of tables requirement & since we have alternative and we r both ok with that date as well, why not change to solve e problem?
e) Despite these reasonings which i felt im not entiring wrong, he insisted on dec still. So i asked him, in the event if it really clashes, min. no. of tables how? - throw money into the sea? To my surprise, he replied by saying, "then you have to ensure that they come. if they dont, it will be your fault. its your fault because you wanted to invite them to see. its not my fault because thats your side problem" ........ I .... upon hearing ... disappointed... and responded by saying how can it be only one ppl fault? didnt i suggest alternative date to solve that? how am i supposed to force ppl down the throat n ask them to attend mine and not the other. How can it be just MY FAULT?
f) i asked, whether he is sincere about me and holding this wedding. i said that i cant felt any enthu from him. Deep down i noe he doesnt want to hold the wedding that early. but because i want, he did whatever i want. He replied saying that yes, im the one who wants, he dont. but because i want, he is ok to give. (to me, such reponse is without sincerity and it sounded so unwillingly)

is that sincere? or just do for the sake of doing just Because I Want? meaning, he dont want? its just one sided?

We had different thoughts about wedding. To him, it will be better if its just between my n his family. thats it. To me, wedding is just once in a lifetime, and i always loves the atmosphere of the wedding.. i want these memories.. happy memories to walk down the aisle with my love.

Any advice? Sigh.
Any conclusion to this relationship?

 

[white_open_water]

You asked if he was sincere about you, and you related his answer to his opinions and reactions to the wedding date arrangements. I feel he could have manage his reply and behaviour in a more constructive way, but I reckon you do know it is not an easy pill for him to swallow. He probably (subconsciously) wanted you to feel lousy for the dilemma as you in your desire for a dream wedding sooner made him forgo his preferred option. I hope you both can each take a step back. Wedding is only the beginning, the prettiest/grandest of wedding doesn't mean a more blissful marriage. And of course if he really "give in" to you, he must really appreciate how much it means to you, and not for the sake of giving in, that would be irresponsible. All the best @missyting

 

[littlepinkpointes]

Hmmm...men are usually (not all though) less enthusiastic about weddings and the planning..
My fiancé and I actually have an understanding that I'll do more of the planning and he will leave most of the coordinating by to me. He even told me this before, "you see how, you like can already". Mainly cause he knows nothing about gowns, suits, packages and all. And also he knows I have more experience with coordinating weddings, he feels more at ease that I handle most of the bits and pieces. But we do discuss and decide together cause it's our wedding.

but i think for your case, he's not really keen to tie the knot as of now from his response and involvement in this whole wedding planning (base on what you shared).

Is there any reasons why he's not being enthusiastic about the wedding planning. Since your BTO is coming in 2019, maybe he has reasons for initially wanting to hold it till then?
I'm just guessing la, maybe
1. he feels he's not financially ready yet to hold the wedding now?
2. Or maybe he's thinking of accommodation for you both after the wedding (like stay at his parents or yours or separate until BTO comes)?
3. Does he want a simpler wedding?

Make sure both u and him are on the same page of wanting to get married before taking the next step of signing the paper. If you already feel and see the obvious from him not wanting to tie the knot now, maybe it's a alerting signal to wait for a while.

He's already 'pointing' fingers at you saying 'it's what you want', 'then you better make sure they come' and 'that's your side problem'.
To me, it doesn't sound like he wants to settle down now yet.

I suggest you talk to him calmly and trash things out. You really don't want to go through the wedding knowing he doesn't really want to. Both of you should be truly happy and looking forward to get married and start a new chapter in life together. You also don't want either one of you to get married half heartedly right? If both of you are not entirely happy during the wedding, disagreements during your marriage will bound to take place and he's most likely to put he blame on you for getting married so early (I'm guessing la)

Good luck babe!

 

[littlepinkpointes]

Some couples I know prefer to get married after getting their BTO. It's less hassle to think of where to stay after the wedding. They feel it's better to just move in tgt after wedding. Less trouble la. Maybe your bf wants it like that?

 

[missyting]

Some couples I know prefer to get married after getting their BTO. It's less hassle to think of where to stay after the wedding. They feel it's better to just move in tgt after wedding. Less trouble la. Maybe your bf wants it like that?

Maybe he just feels that its still early to settle down. Im not sure, but because of the words, its seems meaningless to wed for now.

 

[littlepinkpointes]

Maybe he just feels that its still early to settle down. Im not sure, but because of the words, its seems meaningless to wed for now.

From the way I see it, I feel that....
1. He doesn't see the need to tie the knot now first (cause BTO comes in 2019)
2. He really wants the wedding to be a small family affair
3. He finds all these planning and decision making tedious

All that's happening now is going all directions except towards what he wishes to have, which in turn annoying him more I think.

Can I ask, if you don't mind, why do u want to settle down now knowing the house is coming in 2019? And how did you guys decided to even start making wedding plans?
(Just because the flat is coming soon?)
Then maybe you'll probably see from your bf's pov why he doesn't want to make it officially legally now....?

 

[missyting]

From the way I see it, I feel that....
1. He doesn't see the need to tie the knot now first (cause BTO comes in 2019)
2. He really wants the wedding to be a small family affair
3. He finds all these planning and decision making tedious

Can I ask, if you don't mind, why do u want to settle down now knowing the house is coming in 2019?

since the day we r tgt, we discuss about that, and my ideal marriage age was 28 whilst his is 30. nx yr we will b 30 already.. another hope was to start a family soon..

 

[littlepinkpointes]

since the day we r tgt, we discuss about that, and my ideal marriage age was 28 whilst his is 30. nx yr we will b 30 already.. another hope was to start a family soon..

Ohhhh, sometimes things we planned for might not work out the way we wanted it to be.

Have a talk with him, really. Ask and find out WHAT DOES HE LIKE AND WANT for a wedding. From his pov, he's thinking everything is according to what you want. He probably figured his opinions/ideas/suggestions/preferences don't matter anyway anymore.
You can't also expect the wedding to be all about you and your wants right?

I don't think he's insincere about you. but maybe more of an unwillingness because he feels he's being 'pushed' into this whole wedding thing according to what you want.

What about your parents and his? Did they say anything?

 

[missyting]

Ohhhh, sometimes things we planned for might not work out the way we wanted it to be.

Have a talk with him, really. Ask and find out WHAT DOES HE LIKE AND WANT for a wedding. From his pov, he's thinking everything is according to what you want. He probably figured his opinions/ideas/suggestions/preferences don't matter anyway anymore.
You can't also expect the wedding to be all about you and your wants right?

I don't think he's insincere about you. but maybe more of an unwillingness because he feels he's being 'pushed' into this whole wedding thing according to what you want.

What about your parents and his? Did they say anything?

Its just between us, no involvement from both sides yet...

 

[missyting]

sigh.

 

[littlepinkpointes]

Did you discuss this (wedding planning) with him and you both agreed to start planning or was it more like you assume it's time and went ahead without discussing it with him?

You probably already know the situation and solution to this.
Communicate with him. Let him say his side and listen. Don't go further with the plannings until u both trash things out.
It's ok to lose money/deposit and time now. Better than to take that step and live with regrets and grudges.
I'm sure you both can work something out.

 

[pikachuuu]

i agree with what the rest of the peeps said above.
we have yet to see why is he unwilling to marry now, apart from the 2019 bto reason.
understand that u wanna start a family soon, but what about him, does he want a kid so soon? any plans about living arrangement after the wedding? his finances? your finances?

i think the first issue to solve is not about the wedding date but his thoughts about holding the wedding in the first place.
my HTB and i came to consensus that we will only marry when our house is about to be done/done as we have no wish to live with each others' parents...

 

[missyting]

Did you discuss this (wedding planning) with him and you both agreed to start planning or was it more like you assume it's time and went ahead without discussing it with him?

You probably already know the situation and solution to this.
Communicate with him. Let him say his side and listen. Don't go further with the plannings until u both trash things out.
It's ok to lose money/deposit and time now. Better than to take that step and live with regrets and grudges.
I'm sure you both can work something out.

yup. we discussed.

 

[missyting]

i agree with what the rest of the peeps said above.
we have yet to see why is he unwilling to marry now, apart from the 2019 bto reason.
understand that u wanna start a family soon, but what about him, does he want a kid so soon? any plans about living arrangement after the wedding? his finances? your finances?

i think the first issue to solve is not about the wedding date but his thoughts about holding the wedding in the first place.
my HTB and i came to consensus that we will only marry when our house is about to be done/done as we have no wish to live with each others' parents...

Guess just have to communicate further with him. thats the reason he state that he don see a need to wed now since bto is ready by 2019. and that, he is ok to or not to proceed with wedding. If i want, he can proceed.

from this, i felt... that he so unwillingly n since so unwillingly, pointless to carry on with the plan.

 

[missyting]

moreover, to him.. he just point all fingers on me that its my fault.. none his...

 

[pikachuuu]

i would naturally point fingers too if i wasn't the one who started the trouble. that's human nature.
is like someone pull me into this s.h.i.t and i sitll have to wipe the sai away. don't make sense right?
there must be a reason y he insist on waiting until 2019. that is just the top level reason, keep on asking why and you will find the real reason

 

[missyting]

i would naturally point fingers too if i wasn't the one who started the trouble. that's human nature.
is like someone pull me into this s.h.i.t and i sitll have to wipe the sai away. don't make sense right?
there must be a reason y he insist on waiting until 2019. that is just the top level reason, keep on asking why and you will find the real reason

In the first place, what trouble is trouble..?

 

[littlepinkpointes]

yup. we discussed.

Talk to him and hear his side of the story. It helps. He's frustrated and blaming you for anything and everything cause he's wants to wait till closer to 2019 to begin with.

My fiancé and I decided to take things very slow. Before he proposed, we've discussed and agreed it's ok to have a longer engagement (and I didn't mind). We got engaged NYE2016 (so technically Jan 2017) and planned to wed only end 2018. We haven't applied for flat and we agreed to stay separately until we get our own place (also staying at each other's places in between over weekends or when he's on 'normal mode' shift work), in the mean time save more for the wedding.

We have started to plan (very slowly) the wedding since the engagement and there were also occasions I felt he didn't feel enthusiastic at all about getting married. We had several talking sessions and I found out (from the talks) some of his worries about the wedding costs and possible debts we might have to face after the 'event'. We've sorted them out and is back on track with the planning.

But also because we've trashed things out (the budget and overall concerns and wants), we are now planning it according to our preference with plenty of time on our side. TBH, we haven't even set the date yet.... the only thing we settled for is the bridal package hahaha and we are both very very happy with our decision.

 

[littlepinkpointes]

In the first place, what trouble is trouble..?

I think what Pikachuuu meant by 'trouble' is the troublesome issues: hassle, frustrations, problems, disagreement and arguement your bf and you are going through now.

It's like making him accommodate to the project against his wishes and at the same time pointing a gun at him to solve all the problems arises from the project.

Or looking at it from his pov. Imagine he is planning for a small wedding which u don't prefer, then when he faces all the problems u are currently facing (the nov or dec clash), you put all the blame on him for the problems because you feel all these won't have happen if it went according to what you want.

 

[pikachuuu]

I think what Pikachuuu meant by 'trouble' is the hassle, frustrations, disagreement and arguement your bf and you are going through now.
It's like making him accommodate to things against his wishes and at the same time pointing a gun at him to continue with the journey of planning.

thanks lpp (can i call u that haha)
is like he already don't want to have the wedding and now there are problems with the dates and invitation list, it just adds to the frustration cuz u are forcing him to think about things he already doesn't want.

also what do you mean by clash, as in the date that u picked would be the same as your relative or? cuz i understand from chinese (am assuming u r ) tradition,whether u hold your wedding in dec or nov, the marrying couples are not supposed to attend each other wedding.

 

[littlepinkpointes]

thanks lpp (can i call u that haha)
is like he already don't want to have the wedding and now there are problems with the dates and invitation list, it just adds to the frustration cuz u are forcing him to think about things he already doesn't want.

also what do you mean by clash, as in the date that u picked would be the same as your relative or? cuz i understand from chinese (am assuming u r ) tradition,whether u hold your wedding in dec or nov, the marrying couples are not supposed to attend each other wedding.

Hahaha can... lpp works.

 

[missyting]

thanks lpp (can i call u that haha)
is like he already don't want to have the wedding and now there are problems with the dates and invitation list, it just adds to the frustration cuz u are forcing him to think about things he already doesn't want.

also what do you mean by clash, as in the date that u picked would be the same as your relative or? cuz i understand from chinese (am assuming u r ) tradition,whether u hold your wedding in dec or nov, the marrying couples are not supposed to attend each other wedding.

We coincidentally picked the same date

 

[Staypositive]

Do not marry just becos you are turning 30 soon or in a rush.choose wisely.so what if u marry later than others.this is not a competition.to be blissful in the marriage is most impt.u guys must be really Ready before u tie the knot.

 

[Infernolord]

From my prospective, coming from a guy.
I think sometimes guy has alot in his mind to think and considerate but they never say it out.
It is very easy to tell your man, "hey let get marry on this Nov, Dec ! " Usually a guy cant say no and hurt his ger if we know our ger want it sooo bad.
We love our ger.. You see... we tend to say ok.. can lah..

But then here come our thinking later on....
1. Do you know by planning it this year, means we have to plan for your surprise proposal in months to come.. (siao ar.. no idea no plans.. how to ask friends and family all come out suddenly??)
2. We hv to invite your family and mine to meet.
3. We have to plan our financial. (ring, wedding, housing, package... blah ) (We might hv to liquidate our stock, investments which are losing money in such a short timing)
4. Put all our plans on hold. (maybe studies, getting a camera/cars, pursuing our hobby)
5. When we start to plan, then you suddenly change here and there.. it is frustrating..
why are you changing your words and planning???
What about my planning? I am postponing all before of this marriage.. and you are postponing the plan bcos your relative cant come ??

**PS these are just base on my assumptions. I hope it give you some "thinking" about your man.
It might not be your man being insincere... but too much to handle at one goal.

 

[Staypositive]

From my prospective, coming from a guy.
I think sometimes guy has alot in his mind to think and considerate but they never say it out.
It is very easy to tell your man, "hey let get marry on this Nov, Dec ! " Usually a guy cant say no and hurt his ger if we know our ger want it sooo bad.
We love our ger.. You see... we tend to say ok.. can lah..

But then here come our thinking later on....
1. Do you know by planning it this year, means we have to plan for your surprise proposal in months to come.. (siao ar.. no idea no plans.. how to ask friends and family all come out suddenly??)
2. We hv to invite your family and mine to meet.
3. We have to plan our financial. (ring, wedding, housing, package... blah ) (We might hv to liquidate our stock, investments which are losing money in such a short timing)
4. Put all our plans on hold. (maybe studies, getting a camera/cars, pursuing our hobby)
5. When we start to plan, then you suddenly change here and there.. it is frustrating..
why are you changing your words and planning???
What about my planning? I am postponing all before of this marriage.. and you are postponing the plan bcos your relative cant come ??

**PS these are just base on my assumptions. I hope it give you some "thinking" about your man.
It might not be your man being insincere... but too much to handle at one goal.

Yeah,not easy to be a gd guy in present day Singapore.

 

[missyting]

still, to me.. is a once in a lifetime thing. dont need to be too grand.......

 

[miloice]

The marriage is not the wedding. If you fight over the wedding, think harder. You will have lots of things to fight over a lifetime. Is managing differences about who's wrong? Realise differences is normal, it is not your fault, neither is it his to have differing views and opinions. So, will you guys look at things at it is, recognize what is really important for each of you. Try to read through your own comments from external perspective, especially on point e. Is it about understanding why instead of who is more at fault.

Recently, we (bf and me) had lots of unhappiness between us when comes to wedding planning.

1. Both aged 30. No proposal yet. Bto to come only in 2019.

2. In the midst of these unhappiness, he said words which I felt that is as though its a one party thing:-
a) "是你急，我不急“ . He said im the one who is rushing into marriage, but not him.
b) Because I want it, so he accomodate and is ok to have the wedding held this year. Otherwise, he see no purpose for doing so since bto will only be ready in 2019. (and he kept emphasize that i'm the one who wants, so he just give whatever i want)
c) Initial Plan was to hold the wedding in Dec. But I do have two dates (Nov & Dec) in mind and had shared with him. He agreed. And I personally prefer the Nov date. But my bff will have to give a miss due to overseas trip. So, decided to stay put as Dec. Days after, realised Wedding dates might clash with one of the relatives, so i suggest to choose the alternative date which is Nov (weighing between few factors i.e. Clash on relatives side & Bff vs Relatives (because of the min. tables requirement). & here comes the arguements.
d) He is unwilling to change the date (agn) to Nov because he felt that why should we accomodate to them? They should change instead of us. (He is just so unhappy to change because he had the mentality that why should we be the one to accomodate and think for others and change for the sake of others). I did tell him my reasons to do so : to avoid relative clash because which wedding function should these grp of relatives attend? moreover, we have a min. no. of tables requirement & since we have alternative and we r both ok with that date as well, why not change to solve e problem?
e) Despite these reasonings which i felt im not entiring wrong, he insisted on dec still. So i asked him, in the event if it really clashes, min. no. of tables how? - throw money into the sea? To my surprise, he replied by saying, "then you have to ensure that they come. if they dont, it will be your fault. its your fault because you wanted to invite them to see. its not my fault because thats your side problem" ........ I .... upon hearing ... disappointed... and responded by saying how can it be only one ppl fault? didnt i suggest alternative date to solve that? how am i supposed to force ppl down the throat n ask them to attend mine and not the other. How can it be just MY FAULT?
f) i asked, whether he is sincere about me and holding this wedding. i said that i cant felt any enthu from him. Deep down i noe he doesnt want to hold the wedding that early. but because i want, he did whatever i want. He replied saying that yes, im the one who wants, he dont. but because i want, he is ok to give. (to me, such reponse is without sincerity and it sounded so unwillingly)

is that sincere? or just do for the sake of doing just Because I Want? meaning, he dont want? its just one sided?

We had different thoughts about wedding. To him, it will be better if its just between my n his family. thats it. To me, wedding is just once in a lifetime, and i always loves the atmosphere of the wedding.. i want these memories.. happy memories to walk down the aisle with my love.

Any advice? Sigh.
Any conclusion to this relationship?

 

[miloice]

From my prospective, coming from a guy.
I think sometimes guy has alot in his mind to think and considerate but they never say it out.
It is very easy to tell your man, "hey let get marry on this Nov, Dec ! " Usually a guy cant say no and hurt his ger if we know our ger want it sooo bad.
We love our ger.. You see... we tend to say ok.. can lah..

But then here come our thinking later on....
1. Do you know by planning it this year, means we have to plan for your surprise proposal in months to come.. (siao ar.. no idea no plans.. how to ask friends and family all come out suddenly??)
2. We hv to invite your family and mine to meet.
3. We have to plan our financial. (ring, wedding, housing, package... blah ) (We might hv to liquidate our stock, investments which are losing money in such a short timing)
4. Put all our plans on hold. (maybe studies, getting a camera/cars, pursuing our hobby)
5. When we start to plan, then you suddenly change here and there.. it is frustrating..
why are you changing your words and planning???
What about my planning? I am postponing all before of this marriage.. and you are postponing the plan bcos your relative cant come ??

**PS these are just base on my assumptions. I hope it give you some "thinking" about your man.
It might not be your man being insincere... but too much to handle at one goal.

Not every guy will go and plan all these. To many, the wedding is just a fairytale for the woman. The marriage, just a cert and recognition to both families. She have her expectations and dreams that she wants to realize. The groom is just essential element to her own dream. This is what most men really feels. Some are sweet enough to play along, others expect their wife to manage it herself since its so impt to her. There isn't a one answer, she should know her guy better than anyone else here. I was supportive to my wife to help manage things that were overwhelming her during the planning. It has nothing to do with me wanting any of all these details, I really didn't bother. I only wanted a happy bride that will not resent me for the rest of our lives together after. So, I tried my best to smothen things out and when it still screw up, just help her relax and enjoy the day together. How other men deal with it can be completely different. No one is at fault, we are just different.

My wife was someone uncomfortable with things not going to plan, she wants the perfect plan. I love flexibility, the more things fall into place itself the better. I don't bother the details. We fought alot on all these and through the years, I learnt to anticipate her needs and concerns while she realise, its completely fine to let it go, relax and trust me to manage the uncertainties. The middle ground isn't about who wins, who is right. Its understanding and managing our expectations about our partners to remain fulfilled and happy. To the threadstarter, if your partner is not concerned about your happiness, why are you so hard up about marrying him? What are you looking forward to? the perfect wedding day or someone you want so much to live with for the rest of your life?

 

[missyting]

Not every guy will go and plan all these. To many, the wedding is just a fairytale for the woman. The marriage, just a cert and recognition to both families. She have her expectations and dreams that she wants to realize. The groom is just essential element to her own dream. This is what most men really feels. Some are sweet enough to play along, others expect their wife to manage it herself since its so impt to her. There isn't a one answer, she should know her guy better than anyone else here. I was supportive to my wife to help manage things that were overwhelming her during the planning. It has nothing to do with me wanting any of all these details, I really didn't bother. I only wanted a happy bride that will not resent me for the rest of our lives together after. So, I tried my best to smothen things out and when it still screw up, just help her relax and enjoy the day together. How other men deal with it can be completely different. No one is at fault, we are just different.

My wife was someone uncomfortable with things not going to plan, she wants the perfect plan. I love flexibility, the more things fall into place itself the better. I don't bother the details. We fought alot on all these and through the years, I learnt to anticipate her needs and concerns while she realise, its completely fine to let it go, relax and trust me to manage the uncertainties. The middle ground isn't about who wins, who is right. Its understanding and managing our expectations about our partners to remain fulfilled and happy. To the threadstarter, if your partner is not concerned about your happiness, why are you so hard up about marrying him? What are you looking forward to? the perfect wedding day or someone you want so much to live with for the rest of your life?

definately Someone to spend the rest of my life with + wedding ceremony... but not wanting him to pin point who is right or wrong esp. on such big occasion.......

now it just seems so meaningless to go ahead with the weddin planning.

 

[miloice]

definately Someone to spend the rest of my life with + wedding ceremony... but not wanting him to pin point who is right or wrong esp. on such big occasion.......

now it just seems so meaningless to go ahead with the weddin planning.

so, why do you want a life with him. Was there a mismatch of your expectations or you just completely had the wrong understanding of your bf. Go back to basics and think why do you want to marry him. Why did you have faith in the relationship to make you want to move forward in the marriage.

Whatever issues you guys face, be it the wedding planning or later challenges, nothing changes. It should be aligned back to what matters for the both of you. If it aren't impt, you cannot make it any more impt. Likewise, neither can you trivialize what is impt. However, most of the time, couples fight every battle, regardless big or small without aligning with their priorities. If priorities cannot be aligned, accept that you guys are not compatible. Don't waste time.

 

[missyting]

so, why do you want a life with him. Was there a mismatch of your expectations or you just completely had the wrong understanding of your bf. Go back to basics and think why do you want to marry him. Why did you have faith in the relationship to make you want to move forward in the marriage.

Whatever issues you guys face, be it the wedding planning or later challenges, nothing changes. It should be aligned back to what matters for the both of you. If it aren't impt, you cannot make it any more impt. Likewise, neither can you trivialize what is impt. However, most of the time, couples fight every battle, regardless big or small without aligning with their priorities. If priorities cannot be aligned, accept that you guys are not compatible. Don't waste time.

thanks for ur advice

To sort things out, both parties will have to communicate.. we tried, but all i got was that kind of.. heck care, naggy attitude.

Shall see how it goes..

 

[missyting]

I posted this on forum.. is to seek for advice from each and everyone of you because every individual have their own thinking.. and hopefully thru here, me and him will be able to understsnd each other's perception and work things out tgt instead of blaming one party.

so here it goes again, he felt that you ppl are siding him more... and tt you ppl are hinting me to think for him more......


sigh, there he goes again... instead of tking advice.... he felt stronger because he feel you ppl taking sides on him.

 

[Staypositive]

Think abt the reasons why u want to marry him.you mentioned that ur wedding ceremony is as impt as ur marriage.it is quite understandable as it is every gal dream to have a beautiful wedding day.but the thing is,the guy must be on the same page as you,if not there are going to be a lot of unhappiness.he can do it for u but for the sake of doing it.ur are happy but internally he is not.this will lead to a lot of resentment on his part later on.instead of staying hurt ,tell him that ur upset with the attitude he is giving and see what he says.tell him abt the kind of wedding u want Taking into Consideration the ideas he has for the wedding.both of you must be willing to compromise.everyone has to give in at some point.tell that to him.i believe the ppl in the forum are not siding him,but advising u that you should take his ideas into consideration too becos it's Both of ur wedding.if no compromise is reached,you may consider putting the marriage on hold till you sort things out.no point tying the knot and regret it later.

Perhaps subconsciously you might want to hear ppl saying that he should consent to all u suggested so that u can realise ur dream wedding and also use it as a supporting reason for meeting ur expectations.its perfectly understandable that you want ppl support in ur ideals but in reality,both parties must give in somehow and somewhere.if not,it's not going to work.for the dates ,u might discuss with ur parents on how impt is inviting those relatives and conveyed them to ur bf.you may want to weigh the pros and cons of each of the date to reach a better decision.take care and dun stress too much.im not siding him，just want both parties to be happy.one ppl happy only is not enough to sustain the relationship in the long run.

 

[littlepinkpointes]

I won't say who's siding who.
It's more on opening up the possible perspectives from both sides because we are only hearing the whole account based on you.
I think in general, the majority here is SUGGESTING possible solutions you both could try (example: to talk things out calmly and straighten things before going further in the wedding and/or marriage).

End of the day, decisions lies with you and your bf.
If you still find communicating with him on this issue doesn't work, maybe consider a professional like a marriage counsellor or something?

 

[buddhabar]

If he thinks he is marrying before his time for your sake, then when things dont turn out well be prepare
he will blame you, maybe for life. Seriously why the rush? Do you not agreed your marriage have another
40, 50 or even 60 years ahead? what's another 1 month or 1 year? By the way, marriage is way more difficult
to work on than a 1 day wedding event

 

[miloice]

I posted this on forum.. is to seek for advice from each and everyone of you because every individual have their own thinking.. and hopefully thru here, me and him will be able to understsnd each other's perception and work things out tgt instead of blaming one party.

so here it goes again, he felt that you ppl are siding him more... and tt you ppl are hinting me to think for him more......

sigh, there he goes again... instead of tking advice.... he felt stronger because he feel you ppl taking sides on him.

Now this becomes a competition on who is siding who. A wake up call and reflection on your relationship. Is this what you want in a life partner. Childish fights leads to nothing but resentments. are you guys in love with each other or your ideals. Hard questions you should ask yourselves. do you cherish and value the relationship. do you understand each other feelings. are you guys even ready for marriage. what are you rushing into.

 

[Ziraffe]

Recently, we (bf and me) had lots of unhappiness between us when comes to wedding planning.

1. Both aged 30. No proposal yet. Bto to come only in 2019.

2. In the midst of these unhappiness, he said words which I felt that is as though its a one party thing:-
a) "是你急，我不急“ . He said im the one who is rushing into marriage, but not him.
b) Because I want it, so he accomodate and is ok to have the wedding held this year. Otherwise, he see no purpose for doing so since bto will only be ready in 2019. (and he kept emphasize that i'm the one who wants, so he just give whatever i want)
c) Initial Plan was to hold the wedding in Dec. But I do have two dates (Nov & Dec) in mind and had shared with him. He agreed. And I personally prefer the Nov date. But my bff will have to give a miss due to overseas trip. So, decided to stay put as Dec. Days after, realised Wedding dates might clash with one of the relatives, so i suggest to choose the alternative date which is Nov (weighing between few factors i.e. Clash on relatives side & Bff vs Relatives (because of the min. tables requirement). & here comes the arguements.
d) He is unwilling to change the date (agn) to Nov because he felt that why should we accomodate to them? They should change instead of us. (He is just so unhappy to change because he had the mentality that why should we be the one to accomodate and think for others and change for the sake of others). I did tell him my reasons to do so : to avoid relative clash because which wedding function should these grp of relatives attend? moreover, we have a min. no. of tables requirement & since we have alternative and we r both ok with that date as well, why not change to solve e problem?
e) Despite these reasonings which i felt im not entiring wrong, he insisted on dec still. So i asked him, in the event if it really clashes, min. no. of tables how? - throw money into the sea? To my surprise, he replied by saying, "then you have to ensure that they come. if they dont, it will be your fault. its your fault because you wanted to invite them to see. its not my fault because thats your side problem" ........ I .... upon hearing ... disappointed... and responded by saying how can it be only one ppl fault? didnt i suggest alternative date to solve that? how am i supposed to force ppl down the throat n ask them to attend mine and not the other. How can it be just MY FAULT?
f) i asked, whether he is sincere about me and holding this wedding. i said that i cant felt any enthu from him. Deep down i noe he doesnt want to hold the wedding that early. but because i want, he did whatever i want. He replied saying that yes, im the one who wants, he dont. but because i want, he is ok to give. (to me, such reponse is without sincerity and it sounded so unwillingly)

is that sincere? or just do for the sake of doing just Because I Want? meaning, he dont want? its just one sided?

We had different thoughts about wedding. To him, it will be better if its just between my n his family. thats it. To me, wedding is just once in a lifetime, and i always loves the atmosphere of the wedding.. i want these memories.. happy memories to walk down the aisle with my love.

Any advice? Sigh.
Any conclusion to this relationship?

Hi missyting, do you often watch Korean drama? Don't watch too much if you are, it is toxic to the reality we are living in.

I understand how you feel about having a beautiful and long lasting memory regarding your wedding but really, marriage is more than that.

Wedding is not just only for the bride but for the bridegroom too. I still remember my husband telling me he felt stressed out throughout our wedding even ours was a simple one in a simple restaurant. He simply blanked out like a Zombie. Imagine marrying to a Zombie. Ok, just kidding.

Think it is better for you to postpone your wedding and get to know your husband-to-be better at the same time. Do not rush into a wedding with a man whom does not even seems keen for THE wedding.

 

[missyting]

I won't say who's siding who.
It's more on opening up the possible perspectives from both sides because we are only hearing the whole account based on you.
I think in general, the majority here is SUGGESTING possible solutions you both could try (example: to talk things out calmly and straighten things before going further in the wedding and/or marriage).

End of the day, decisions lies with you and your bf.
If you still find communicating with him on this issue doesn't work, maybe consider a professional like a marriage counsellor or something?

yeah, but he thinks otherwise.
two hands to clap... sigh. will find chance to talk and sort things out!

Thanks!

 

[miloice]

i don't mean to be rude, you guys haven't marry, you still have the choice without the legal consequence. Many people place pride before relationship, marriage and common sense. It is unfortunate but a reality. It better to wake up now than later. Anyway, if you guys cherish the relationship but realize the differences need more time to iron, TAKE THE TIME.

 

[Staypositive]

Men are practical and realistic creatures.hard truths.

 

[littlepinkpointes]

Wedding : one day event
Marriage : a whole life time

Are you planning for a one day event?
Or
Are you ready to commit yourselves to each other for the rest of your lives?

 

[white_open_water]

I concur with most if not all the posts from the peeps here. It's really heartening to see quite unanimous voices, not siding but neutral, rational, supportive and thinking long term. @missyting I can totally fit myself into your bf's shoes now. I will then shutdown totally because, on the surface of things, based on my arguments and also the posts here, I am right and justified to feel pissed. Because you don't know me, my pain and my worries. Serves you right for trying to be smart, to fulfill what seems to me a childish girlish wedding dream. Now look at the problems you face......

[Talk to inner inner self... as the BF] actually I don't care. I don't even know why deep down I feel resentful and acted the way I did. Maybe, just maybe... I feel unappreciated, neglected, misunderstood. Not wanting something itself is a need too, but it wasn't seen that way by her. Why is it I don't want the same thing as her? I need to drill deeper......

Ok, enactment mode turned off. Men can be simple on the surface but deep down all mashed up with complexity. We tend not to go deep searching for answer, but I've learnt we need to, for a better world. Hope yours too, one day.

 

[newproject]

so here it goes again, he felt that you ppl are siding him more... and tt you ppl are hinting me to think for him more......


sigh, there he goes again... instead of tking advice.... he felt stronger because he feel you ppl taking sides on him.

Ok . I didn't post so far because for once I saw everyone was posting sense.But I think I shall say what others are too polite to say.

By "everyone" I mean literally guys and gals posters many who have histories or patterns of bias one way or the other and they all pretty much posting the same way.

I can't comment on your bf since he didnt post directly but essentially the way you post and respond to comments doesn't inspire confidence in your r/s or maturity level.

Your answers to questions on why you want to get married are borderline childish and immature and everyone is hinting to you that you should compromise or reconsider your r/s.

When you posted here what did you expect? Everyone to agree with you? Agree That your bf is "insincere"? Of course if he refused your request to get married in a year you would be here whining that if he loved you he would give in. No win scenario.

Everyone here including girls and guys who i consider "white knights" are trying to balance out your story by giving the guy point of view. Think about it. why is that?

I'm going to say they picking up the same thing i did, you have this sense of entitlement and yes they are hinting you should think about what your bf wants and not just what you want.

I'm going to guess you bf feels vindicated cos usually he doesn't say much and just gives in to you.

But if that's how your r/s has been so far where he needs the help of strangers to voice his concerns i am afraid your relationship is not on a strong foundation.

I posted this on forum.. is to seek for advice from each and everyone of you because every individual have their own thinking.. and hopefully thru here, me and him will be able to understsnd each other's perception and work things out tgt instead of blaming one party.

so here it goes again, he felt that you ppl are siding him more... and tt you ppl are hinting me to think for him more......


sigh, there he goes again... instead of tking advice.... he felt stronger because he feel you ppl taking sides on him.

 

[meiji5]

To be frank, wedding day is not a big deal. That day is just to show off to friends and family but what do you actually get out of it? One day to remember for the rest of your life where there are other things much more noteworthy than this?

Sorry to be so upfront, just sharing my thoughts as I've been through the whole thing. Few years down the line, there's nothing much memorable about that day.

 

[newproject]

To the bf if you are reading.

I only "Know" you through the lens of your gf.

That said you are not off the hook either buddy.

You are a grown man stop this passive aggressive BS about saying yes for fear of disagreeing but internally you are so against things.

Be a man and say what you feel and think.

If you want to give in to your gf because you really love her then do so completely and don't act like a spoiled brat dragged to unwanted hair cut like that.

If you really unwilling then say so. Not hoping to sabotage it and taking delight your gf might not be able to get minimum table.

Couples these days ah. My wife and I if we fight is because we "fight" to give in to each other.

She will die die want to eat my favourite food even though I know she don't like.

Or I buy her tonic to drink.she refuse say waste.money force me drink instead. Really pisses me off

 

[Staypositive]

To the bf if you are reading.

I only "Know" you through the lens of your gf.

That said you are not off the hook either buddy.

You are a grown man stop this passive aggressive BS about saying yes for fear of disagreeing but internally you are so against things.

Be a man and say what you feel and think.

If you want to give in to your gf because you really love her then do so completely and don't act like a spoiled brat dragged to unwanted hair cut like that.

If you really unwilling then say so. Not hoping to sabotage it and taking delight your gf might not be able to get minimum table.

Couples these days ah. My wife and I if we fight is because we "fight" to give in to each other.

She will die die want to eat my favourite food even though I know she don't like.

Or I buy her tonic to drink.she refuse say waste.money force me drink instead. Really pisses me off

Your Wife is really a rare breed.very hard to find such woman these days.is your Wife local?what is ur purpose of saying this?to get the rest of the guys to envy u?

Do you think this is a gd thing that both of u fight over giving in to each other？it's like forcing another to give in to u,but in this context is to the opposite party benefits.after a period of time,either party will feel tired for doing so.is this selfless behaviour considered true love?true love encompasses both parties to reach a consensus on stuff..

 

[Staypositive]

To the bf if you are reading.

I only "Know" you through the lens of your gf.

That said you are not off the hook either buddy.

You are a grown man stop this passive aggressive BS about saying yes for fear of disagreeing but internally you are so against things.

Be a man and say what you feel and think.

If you want to give in to your gf because you really love her then do so completely and don't act like a spoiled brat dragged to unwanted hair cut like that.

If you really unwilling then say so. Not hoping to sabotage it and taking delight your gf might not be able to get minimum table.

Couples these days ah. My wife and I if we fight is because we "fight" to give in to each other.

She will die die want to eat my favourite food even though I know she don't like.

Or I buy her tonic to drink.she refuse say waste.money force me drink instead. Really pisses me off

To add on,your wife seems like the submissive type of person.i wouldn't be with such ppl.it can be tiring to someone who says yes and listen to u all the time.its unfair to the female party too.i bet her being extremely giving is one of the reason you marry her.dun mind me saying,perhaps subconsciously ur actually taking advantage of her.

 

[newproject]

To add on,your wife seems like the submissive type of person.i wouldn't be with such ppl.it can be tiring to someone who says yes and listen to u all the time.

.

HOW DARE YOU! For the record my wife is a Singaporean uni grad with her own successful career. She is also the,kindest, nicest person you will ever hope to meet. We are madly in love and the most loving couple we know.

You wouldn't be with such people? She's too good for you! Enjoy being with girls who argue with you all the time if you want. Its your choice.

its unfair to the female party too.

Stop being a white knight and sticking your nose in where it doesn't belong. It's unfair? Who are you to decide? Do you know anything about us? Just from a throw away line i did?

Get it straight im not one of the people here posting my sad story and asking for help and i don't need your immature , naive analysis from a small boy with little real experience anyway.

For future reference there are people who is in their nature to be selfless and give to others. Maybe you are too selfish or people you met are self centred bastards for you to realise that and think such people are suffering or taken advantage when its actually "them" or their nature.

And they definitely.don't need idiots like you to to fix them.

i bet her being extremely giving is one of the reason you marry her.dun mind me saying,perhaps subconsciously ur actually taking advantage of her.

Again HOW DARE YOU.

We are both extremely happy you will be damn blessed to even have half of what we have and we dont need someone like you to come in and without being asked , start to imply we don't have "true love" or that im taking advantage of her.

The phrasing alone "take advantage of her" shows you are clueless about relationships.

As a couple we are complementary, we don't count score and see who take "advantage of who".

All I know is being with her changed me, everyone noticed and I would do anything for her and she me.

If this doesn't meet your bloody white knight standard of true love or your approval on how she should act , we don't give a rat's ass.

I expect an apology from you or better yet stop commenting on me and focus on the topic at hand.

 

[Staypositive]

HOW DARE YOU! For the record my wife is a Singaporean uni grad with her own successful career. She is also the,kindest, nicest person you will ever hope to meet. We are madly in love and the most loving couple we know.

You wouldn't be with such people? She's too good for you! Enjoy being with girls who argue with you all the time if you want. Its your choice.



Stop being a white knight and sticking your nose in where it doesn't belong. It's unfair? Who are you to decide? Do you know anything about us? Just from a throw away line i did?

Get it straight im not one of the people here posting my sad story and asking for help and i don't need your immature , naive analysis from a small boy with little real experience anyway.

For future reference there are people who is in their nature to be selfless and give to others. Maybe you are too selfish or people you met are self centred bastards for you to realise that and think such people are suffering or taken advantage when its actually "them" or their nature.

And they definitely.don't need idiots like you to to fix them.




Again HOW DARE YOU.

We are both extremely happy you will be damn blessed to even have half of what we have and we dont need someone like you to come in and without being asked , start to imply we don't have "true love" or that im taking advantage of her.

The phrasing alone "take advantage of her" shows you are clueless about relationships.

As a couple we are complementary, we don't count score and see who take "advantage of who".

All I know is being with her changed me, everyone noticed and I would do anything for her and she me.

If this doesn't meet your bloody white knight standard of true love or your approval on how she should act , we don't give a rat's ass.

I expect an apology from you or better yet stop commenting on me and focus on the topic at hand.

If she is a gd gal,then you definitely dun deserve a gal like her.from all ur posts u seemed biased towards guys and have no qualms about 'bashing women'.anyway who likes to focus on u it's just that seeing you boasting how wonderful ur wife is makes one wonder why a guy like you are able to find such gd woman.perhaps the woman being kind and innocent never look properly.anyway reflect ur own attitude first before you judge others.just stating facts like the fact u bash women.is there anything wrong.and Stop calling ppl 'White Knight' in your posts.if you are not happy abt the opinion,u can jolly well leave this forum .you are not the king here.

 

[Staypositive]

And for your info,I like ppl who have a mind of their own.certainly not an "all yes" person.a local university grad?so do I.whats the big deal abt it.and are you lying abt her being a grad?st her level surely she be able to sieve out poor attitude guys like u.