checking BF/husband handphone

meiji5 said:
If you ever had a partner/spouse cheated on you before and you want to forgive them and start anew, I would think it's best not to resort to adding a spyware on their phone. This shows that you do not trust them nor trust yourself in your own judgement. It will only bring you further worries. You will constantly think and think and overthink every little thing. It takes time to learn to let go but once you let go you will feel much more light-weighted on your shoulders.
Click to expand...
No offence to your opinion but my thinking is the direct opposite. If you ever have a spouse who cheated, all the more need a spyware. Precisely they already proven that their words are not trustworthy (that's why we don't trust them. And since they ready cheated, proven that our judgement is wrong in the first place) that's why the wayward spouse need to install the app to verify that this time round, the cheated spouse wants to do exactly what they say they will do. Their words tally with their actions now. Probably verifying for a certain period of time and finally the trust is back then the wayward spouse can trust the cheated spouse back without using a spyware. I think the spyware is also another way for the wayward spouse to find a way to trust back their repentant spouse. At least I think it works better for me. I trust totally the first time round without spyware but if he cheated, I can't just trust without anything to help me the second time round. So a spyware will let me know for certain he is where he claims he is and he is not lying anymore. That's how I can revive my marriage.

On the other hand, it is not healthy for someone to use spyware if their spouse hasn't been caught cheating or lying.
 


Carousell said:
No offence to your opinion but my thinking is the direct opposite. If you ever have a spouse who cheated, all the more need a spyware. Precisely they already proven that their words are not trustworthy (that's why we don't trust them. And since they ready cheated, proven that our judgement is wrong in the first place) that's why the wayward spouse need to install the app to verify that this time round, the cheated spouse wants to do exactly what they say they will do. Their words tally with their actions now. Probably verifying for a certain period of time and finally the trust is back then the wayward spouse can trust the cheated spouse back without using a spyware. I think the spyware is also another way for the wayward spouse to find a way to trust back their repentant spouse. At least I think it works better for me. I trust totally the first time round without spyware but if he cheated, I can't just trust without anything to help me the second time round. So a spyware will let me know for certain he is where he claims he is and he is not lying anymore. That's how I can revive my marriage.

On the other hand, it is not healthy for someone to use spyware if their spouse hasn't been caught cheating or lying.
Click to expand...


Thanks for your input and I totally understand what you are going through, I've been through it too only good thing was that I was not married to that person and I was able to walk away from it.

I can understand the hurt and pain of finding out that the person you love cheated on you. I have done all the phone checking, FB checking, email checking. Anything just to know if he's been sending random messages to other girls for sex. He has said he would change and yes, to an extent I did believe him but instinctively I knew it wouldn't happen. The constant checking and knowing where he is, who he is with or if he kept to his word became really taxing on me. To build trust, you also need to have some trust in that person.

But I can understand why you would need to do this, however, from his POV it will also be an invasion of privacy. Unless he has given you consent to check all his accounts, by all means go ahead. To secretly put a spyware on his phone is gonna blow up one day and things will get worse. Wish you good luck and hope you can move on to building a better marriage.
 
Hello all,

Just to share what happened to me and my ex-fiance.

Im someone who is sensitive (most women are, i believed). His work environement deals with female products, hence it is normal to have most colleagues women.

I tend to get a little suspicious whenever he replied msg and smiled to himself.

I confronted him and he brushed it off saying msg from his work chatgrp. But so happy and smiling?

Most of the time i have to work long hours and at times leave very little for him during the week.

He caught me checking his phone's one day and he got really upset that i dont trust him. He dont check my phone as he trusted me.

I told him, if there is nothing to hide, there is no need for him to get upset.

We broke up partly because of this. Come to think, sometime is difficult to balance these sometimes.
 
meiji5 said:
Thanks for your input and I totally understand what you are going through, I've been through it too only good thing was that I was not married to that person and I was able to walk away from it.

I can understand the hurt and pain of finding out that the person you love cheated on you. I have done all the phone checking, FB checking, email checking. Anything just to know if he's been sending random messages to other girls for sex. He has said he would change and yes, to an extent I did believe him but instinctively I knew it wouldn't happen. The constant checking and knowing where he is, who he is with or if he kept to his word became really taxing on me. To build trust, you also need to have some trust in that person.

But I can understand why you would need to do this, however, from his POV it will also be an invasion of privacy. Unless he has given you consent to check all his accounts, by all means go ahead. To secretly put a spyware on his phone is gonna blow up one day and things will get worse. Wish you good luck and hope you can move on to building a better marriage.
Click to expand...
Hi thank you for your input too. For my case, I feel that privacy and trust is given to him at the start. He betrayed, means he is no longer enjoying that privacy or trust from me, if he wants the relationship back.

I think to give up his privacy is part of his effort to show that he can be trusted from now on. This is the price he had to pay for cheating in the first place and to be willing to give up that privacy is just a small little effort on his part to the one who got seriously hurt and paranoid from his betrayal. If he still request for privacy just after cheating, I think then might as well don't work on the relationship, just go separate ways. To me, there's no need to hide if you got nothing to hide. A person definitely has the right for privacy and it's not nice for the partner to secretly check because it's quite disrespectful. But for cheaters who wants back a relationship, he totally has no right for privacy now that he violate that freedom and respect and trust given to him. Having said that, for my case, my hubby has given up his freedom to me because he chose to maintain the marriage and wants to earn back the trust. I Guess if he's got nothing to hide anymore, that's the very basic thing he can do to help me gain back my sanity.

For your case, it is quite odd that your ex allows you to check his phone and stuffs but yet, not prepared to Want to stop his straying. Maybe some guys are just confused with what they want in their lives. I don't have the instinct that my hubby is not going to change but neither am I very confident that cheating will not occur again. I m kinda at this crossroad. I have done whatever I can think of and for the past year found nothing that shows he is still cheating. He Also did not ask for privacy or freedom back for the past year. I Guess this will continue for some time down the road, hopefully I can regain my confidence to trust him again and hopfefuly he won't violate it again
 
Mindy Ang said:
Hello all,

Just to share what happened to me and my ex-fiance.

Im someone who is sensitive (most women are, i believed). His work environement deals with female products, hence it is normal to have most colleagues women.

I tend to get a little suspicious whenever he replied msg and smiled to himself.

I confronted him and he brushed it off saying msg from his work chatgrp. But so happy and smiling?

Most of the time i have to work long hours and at times leave very little for him during the week.

He caught me checking his phone's one day and he got really upset that i dont trust him. He dont check my phone as he trusted me.

I told him, if there is nothing to hide, there is no need for him to get upset.

We broke up partly because of this. Come to think, sometime is difficult to balance these sometimes.
Click to expand...
Can understand your worry and insecurity. Also can understand why he is upset with your checking. Maybe for someone who hasn't proven to be a cheater, instead of checking secretly, you can voice out to him that you are feeling a bit insecure and it would be nice that he could help you to feel better by allowing you to see his phone. I agree that if he has nothing to hide then there's nothing to be afraid but the approach towards it must be tactful and respectful. From his pov, maybe he felt disrespected and he can't imagine a married life with a partner constantly checking on him.

I Guess it's a learning process for you also. Hope you meet up with another compatible partner. The good part is, at least you didn't find evidence that your partner cheated. It's very shitty to get cheated. I still get repercussions now and then whenever I think of what he typed to the lady and what he did with the ladies and the lies he told me. It's not so much of sadness now but more of finding it tough to like this person with such a terrible flaw. It takes a lot of effort for me to stay attracted to him, I got to think of the good to try to outcast the bad.
 
If you can't trust the person sleeping beside you, the only option is to leave.
Once you start keeping tabs and intruding into your partner privacy it will never stop because you will develop a dependency to it and be "addicted" to it. You will feel extremely insecure without doing it . Such chronic insecurity will eventually enslave and swallow your marriage.
 
buddhabar said:
If you can't trust the person sleeping beside you, the only option is to leave.
Once you start keeping tabs and intruding into your partner privacy it will never stop because you will develop a dependency to it and be "addicted" to it. You will feel extremely insecure without doing it . Such chronic insecurity will eventually enslave and swallow your marriage.
Click to expand...


Thanks for your insight. Totally understand. But when involves kids and when the strayed partner wants to salvage a marriage And allow the spouse to track them. I think it becomes a security measure for the spouse to feel safe and at ease, to be able to pass by the Everyday without imagining too much. It also allows the strayed spouse to have something to back them up. Like there is proof he is not acting out etc. In this case, I feel that the tracking is helping the marriage instead of destroying it. After sometime when the spouse is convinced that her husband is sincere about salvaging the marriage, she may feel ok to stop tracking. Tracking is tiring for her too by the way.
 
Carousell said:
Thanks for your insight. Totally understand. But when involves kids and when the strayed partner wants to salvage a marriage And allow the spouse to track them. I think it becomes a security measure for the spouse to feel safe and at ease, to be able to pass by the Everyday without imagining too much. It also allows the strayed spouse to have something to back them up. Like there is proof he is not acting out etc. In this case, I feel that the tracking is helping the marriage instead of destroying it. After sometime when the spouse is convinced that her husband is sincere about salvaging the marriage, she may feel ok to stop tracking. Tracking is tiring for her too by the way.
Click to expand...

We live only once. Don't short change yourself. If it aren't working, you don't pretend it is. Point is, no amount of checking will make a person change. He has to change himself. You will have to deal with your insecurity demons. Give it your best shot to work on your marriage. What's impt is know when to stop when enough is enough. The discussion about need to and correctness to check is endless. We don't have perfect lives where people we love can be trusted fully. However, what is your expectation and needs in your marriage. Having kids is not a reason to remain in a marriage if it is proven beyond doubt that its broken beyond recovery. Parents can be divorce or separated. Its manageable, and in many situations more manageable than parenting as a paranoid spouse in a broken marriage. Take care.
 
Carousell said:
Thanks for your insight. Totally understand. But when involves kids and when the strayed partner wants to salvage a marriage And allow the spouse to track them. I think it becomes a security measure for the spouse to feel safe and at ease, to be able to pass by the Everyday without imagining too much. It also allows the strayed spouse to have something to back them up. Like there is proof he is not acting out etc. In this case, I feel that the tracking is helping the marriage instead of destroying it. After sometime when the spouse is convinced that her husband is sincere about salvaging the marriage, she may feel ok to stop tracking. Tracking is tiring for her too by the way.
Click to expand...

Actually, social stalking and tracking even with permission is a form of coercive control
 
i admit that I used to check my ex-bf's phone secretly a few mths after we first dated..i guess it is curiousity and insecurity, cos my 1st bf was dating other girls behind my back.

anyway, i found out that my ex-bf was also chatting up another girl and meeting her up when I checked his phone. I eventually forgiven him, though he was quite angry that I looked at his phone. He said he was sorry about it but he changed his password after that.

But it doesn't last long. I got to know his new password and checked his phone again. And again, i found out that he was dating other girls. Later on, someone also told me about his behavior. And that was after we got engaged and he brought his parents over to meet my parents. Of course, we eventually broke up.

Till this day, I still dont know what he was thinking. Why propose to me, brought his parents over but 1 week later, meet up with another girl.

And i think something is seriously wrong with me. Why do I always meet such guys? Is it me that tend to attract such guys in the first place?
 
infinity0 said:
Till this day, I still dont know what he was thinking. Why propose to me, brought his parents over but 1 week later, meet up with another girl.

And i think something is seriously wrong with me. Why do I always meet such guys? Is it me that tend to attract such guys in the first place?
Click to expand...

In a word yes. You probably also have a "type". You like guys who have personality types that correlate also with cheaters.

Next time try looking for more "boring types" lol
 
infinity0 said:
i admit that I used to check my ex-bf's phone secretly a few mths after we first dated..i guess it is curiousity and insecurity, cos my 1st bf was dating other girls behind my back.

anyway, i found out that my ex-bf was also chatting up another girl and meeting her up when I checked his phone. I eventually forgiven him, though he was quite angry that I looked at his phone. He said he was sorry about it but he changed his password after that.

But it doesn't last long. I got to know his new password and checked his phone again. And again, i found out that he was dating other girls. Later on, someone also told me about his behavior. And that was after we got engaged and he brought his parents over to meet my parents. Of course, we eventually broke up.

Till this day, I still dont know what he was thinking. Why propose to me, brought his parents over but 1 week later, meet up with another girl.

And i think something is seriously wrong with me. Why do I always meet such guys? Is it me that tend to attract such guys in the first place?
Click to expand...
In a way, it's a blessing in disguise that you didn't marry these guys and end up going through the more painful process of divorcing or worse when children are involved. I regretted not checking up on my hubby when we were dating. I think these guys are just greedy. They found someone whom they can trust to get married to, maybe someone who can give them a family and children but at the same time, they also want to constantly date and feel attractive and attention from other women. Sometimes it's also for sex and fun.

at least I would have more respect for a man who admit that he wants to have fun and not settle down with one woman and hence spare the woman some Agony. I despise those who waste our time, effort and love, particularly when children are involved. These men just feel like they are in control of everything, they live in their own fantasy that they can look after their family well and still have fun outside.

By the way, people used to say that trust is very important, don't check their phones etc. I strongly disagree now. I feel that since there's nothing to hide, then one should willingly let their partner see their phones, as a form of assurance also. Your ex change his password after the first time of checking, that seems like he is creating another platform to cheat again. If I m not married or has no children, I will definitely break off the relationship no matter he show repentance or not. I m a strong believer that a cheater will always be a cheater.
 
infinity0 said:
i admit that I used to check my ex-bf's phone secretly a few mths after we first dated..i guess it is curiousity and insecurity, cos my 1st bf was dating other girls behind my back.

anyway, i found out that my ex-bf was also chatting up another girl and meeting her up when I checked his phone. I eventually forgiven him, though he was quite angry that I looked at his phone. He said he was sorry about it but he changed his password after that.

But it doesn't last long. I got to know his new password and checked his phone again. And again, i found out that he was dating other girls. Later on, someone also told me about his behavior. And that was after we got engaged and he brought his parents over to meet my parents. Of course, we eventually broke up.

Till this day, I still dont know what he was thinking. Why propose to me, brought his parents over but 1 week later, meet up with another girl.

And i think something is seriously wrong with me. Why do I always meet such guys? Is it me that tend to attract such guys in the first place?
Click to expand...

I feel is because we have r/s experiences and have many other choices which result picking the same type of person over and over again.

It is very hard to find one is perfect. I think almost impossible. Give and take.

Like what newproject said, find "boring type" but are you ok with it? You want happening type, then make sure you are up for it and expect the worst.
 
Infernolord said:
I feel is because we have r/s experiences and have many other choices which result picking the same type of person over and over again.
Click to expand...

Talking about yourself ah? But i heard you broke the pattern recently ?


Like what newproject said, find "boring type" but are you ok with it? You want happening type, then make sure you are up for it and expect the worst.
Click to expand...

Yeah for guys is you want the pretty , Chio type....
 
newproject said:
Talking about yourself ah? But i heard you broke the pattern recently ?

Yeah for guys is you want the pretty , Chio type....
Click to expand...
Haha.. yea kinda of break the pattern, maybe can propose this year end.. lol
Well although she might not be the kind (pattern) i adore the most, but one thing for sure i feel safe and secure.

It like that, i concluded something

People like us have tasted the candy, it is very sweet. We enjoy it but it is bad for health long term.
You give us maybe fruits (Not so sweet but healthy), we will compare our candy and fruit, take candy in the end.
Problem is we always have a choice between candy and fruits. In the end is up to us to choose the right one.
Sometimes its only till we have too much candy, and have a toothache then we realise that we should eat fruits. (Hopefully our teeth are still there, not rotten by then)
LOL
 
Ha. I know you very high standards in terms of looks of the girls you pick.

This time you may have chosen someone a bit different but still she looks above average to me . :)

Sent from my SM-G935F using Forum mobile app
 
Found an app can read ezlink card can see all transactions done plus date/time. Useful if your SO no car. Called singcard.

Google also got an app called trusted contact. You can set it up on your partner phone, so anytime you can ping his phone for location. if he don't answer after 5 mins location automatically sent.

Or you can just get his Google password and use find my phone option to check his location.

All these examples are Android. IPhone got similar.
 
i dont think they are the happening/handsome kinds...i think my problem is I dont usually initiate and am not the chatty kind..my ex-bf took the initiative to show interest to me, and perhaps, to other ladies as well..and I stupidly fall for him I guess.

I dont think I want to change myself, but perhaps I'll be more discerning with who I date the next time. not sure when the next time will be; I am still trying to 'recover' from this trauma, after so long...everytime I think about it makes me feel like crying. I really want to move on.

yes, there is no perfect person, but cheating is my no. 1 no-no. If you want to enjoy dating different girls at the same time, then dont commit to a relationship/marriage.
 
infinity0 said:
i dont think they are the happening/handsome kinds...i think my problem is I dont usually initiate and am not the chatty kind..my ex-bf took the initiative to show interest to me, and perhaps, to other ladies as well..and I stupidly fall for him I guess.

I dont think I want to change myself, but perhaps I'll be more discerning with who I date the next time. not sure when the next time will be; I am still trying to 'recover' from this trauma, after so long...everytime I think about it makes me feel like crying. I really want to move on.

yes, there is no perfect person, but cheating is my no. 1 no-no. If you want to enjoy dating different girls at the same time, then dont commit to a relationship/marriage.
Click to expand...
Besides the bf that proposed and later broke up how many other r/s have you had?
 
Infernolord said:
Haha.. yea kinda of break the pattern, maybe can propose this year end.. lol
Well although she might not be the kind (pattern) i adore the most, but one thing for sure i feel safe and secure.
Click to expand...

Wah....wedding bells ringing very soon eh? This year has gone by so fast...it's almost May!
 
I think checking your spouse phone/messages is very rude,unless he cheated on you before or did something suspicious ... if not just give him his own space ... since u're together there's bound to be a level of trust involved isn't it ? u wouldn't want him to do the same thing to u as well..
 
Carousell said:
No offence to your opinion but my thinking is the direct opposite. If you ever have a spouse who cheated, all the more need a spyware. Precisely they already proven that their words are not trustworthy (that's why we don't trust them. And since they ready cheated, proven that our judgement is wrong in the first place) that's why the wayward spouse need to install the app to verify that this time round, the cheated spouse wants to do exactly what they say they will do. Their words tally with their actions now. Probably verifying for a certain period of time and finally the trust is back then the wayward spouse can trust the cheated spouse back without using a spyware. I think the spyware is also another way for the wayward spouse to find a way to trust back their repentant spouse. At least I think it works better for me. I trust totally the first time round without spyware but if he cheated, I can't just trust without anything to help me the second time round. So a spyware will let me know for certain he is where he claims he is and he is not lying anymore. That's how I can revive my marriage.

On the other hand, it is not healthy for someone to use spyware if their spouse hasn't been caught cheating or lying.
Click to expand...
Is it safe to use a spyware ? I understand that spyware can access to chat / call / log history of the phone usage. If the software company is not reliable , it can basically hack into the hubby accounts, credit card info, singpass password , internet banking and etc. Pls enlighten me, thanks. I am thinking to install spyware but not sure if it is safe. Thanks
 
cschris73 said:
Is it safe to use a spyware ? I understand that spyware can access to chat / call / log history of the phone usage. If the software company is not reliable , it can basically hack into the hubby accounts, credit card info, singpass password , internet banking and etc. Pls enlighten me, thanks. I am thinking to install spyware but not sure if it is safe. Thanks
Click to expand...
of cos it is not safe, you are creating a back door access to the mobile and allowing all the information to be accessible by 3rd party.
For those that insist on checking your spouses mobiles, what have your achieve? What have you found so far? If you found nothing, will you be assure? for how long? When is the next time, you have that urge to check again?

Many service providers that are implementing risk assessment engine to their platforms to rate the risk of the user. Banking mobile apps may flag the mobile and block its access to e-banking as well. So, all these apps are not so invisible, your spouse might get to know.
 
I got an app that my partner can use that will automatically query for my location.

I don't need do anything and she can see where I'm at.

I insist that she uses it cos I know she worries sometimes when I can't answer her texts.

I guess I'm weird this way? Wanting to be tracked :)
 
Honestly i felt that if a guy wants to cheat on you they can do it smoothly if they are determined enough. With that said, my answer is no, we both dont check on each other's phone at all. But we had fingerprint access to each other phone for convenience and that is what trust is about isnt?
 
newproject said:
I got an app that my partner can use that will automatically query for my location.

I don't need do anything and she can see where I'm at.

I insist that she uses it cos I know she worries sometimes when I can't answer her texts.

I guess I'm weird this way? Wanting to be tracked :)
Click to expand...

What's that apps? Workable in both iphone & Android phone?
 
cschris73 said:
What's that apps? Workable in both iphone & Android phone?
Click to expand...
Yes both. Called trusted contacts by Google.

You install on both phones.

Then you can ask to know the other phone location.

The other person can allow or deny. If no reply after 5 min will auto send location.

So if you use on your partner show he can deny location but if that happens you know he or she hiding something.
 
In the past, I always give the benefit of doubt with the secrecy that my ex-hb had with his hp. He would keep it under a password that I wasn't told. He would bring it with him to the toilet. He would out it under his pillow while he was sleeping. I didn't suspect a thing, not because I was stupid la!! but because I was trusting. WRONG! Girl, if your hb is displaying such behaviours, you should start questioning. Don't leave it. Don't trust with your eyes closed.

Good luck
 
chivaslife88 said:
hi girls, do you guys check your partner's handphone secretly ?
Click to expand...
As a guy, I am ok with my gf or wife checking my phone. Just don't do it secretly. Ask, and it shall be given. Theres nothing to hide. If I wish to hide I would make sure its not on the phone. Checking is dumb, theres nothing to see. But if you ask and the guy doesn't give it...I think thats another issue because theres not supposed to be anything private between married couples.
 
Because I did not check his HP,I gave someone the chance to come between us.

Actually,it depends on how much you trust him.I know of some friends who trust their husbands 100%.
 
HuiWen86 said:
Because I did not check his HP,I gave someone the chance to come between us.

Actually,it depends on how much you trust him.I know of some friends who trust their husbands 100%.
Click to expand...
What makes you thinking checking his hp would change matters?

Maybe he gets even more upset use the fact you don't trust him to justify himself not loving you.
 
HuiWen86 said:
Because I did not check his HP,I gave someone the chance to come between us.

Actually,it depends on how much you trust him.I know of some friends who trust their husbands 100%.
Click to expand...

If a person wants to cheat, he will. If my wife is untrusting for no fault of mine, it will be very hurting. Reading your comments abt your issue. This isn't a case of someone new. Its a past relationship that creep in. Perhaps his emotions for her were never let go, just that she chose someone else then. There was a time that I asked myself the same question before, if my ex were to come back, will i waiver. When I chose to propose my wife, I knew this isn't going to happen. There are good reasons why I left that relationship. Regardless, I still wish for the best for her.

Relationships aren't a debate about who started to wrong the other party first. We are all married adults and should know better. Focus on your life without the marriage, how to build your bond with your kids in this difficult time.
 
miloice said:
If a person wants to cheat, he will. If my wife is untrusting for no fault of mine, it will be very hurting. Reading your comments abt your issue. This isn't a case of someone new. Its a past relationship that creep in. Perhaps his emotions for her were never let go, just that she chose someone else then. There was a time that I asked myself the same question before, if my ex were to come back, will i waiver. When I chose to propose my wife, I knew this isn't going to happen. There are good reasons why I left that relationship. Regardless, I still wish for the best for her.

Relationships aren't a debate about who started to wrong the other party first. We are all married adults and should know better. Focus on your life without the marriage, how to build your bond with your kids in this difficult time.
Click to expand...

Maybe they had not let go of each other's affections at the crossroads of life and yearning for each other throughout all these years.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Similar threads

J
Advice required - intimacy
Replies
1
Views
2K
TazLyn
T
G
Selling Discounted Make Up Package for 2026/2027
Replies
0
Views
166
grace98
G
Sophie19
Surprising my husband with a trip to the Singapore GP
Replies
0
Views
266
Sophie19
Sophie19
M
WTS - ROM photography (flexi date)
Replies
0
Views
79
mcnuggets
M
L
Feeling Lost in Marriage Life
Replies
1
Views
2K
DLo
D

Back
Top