Transitioning from girlfriend to wife

[Phyris]

Hi all,

Am just wondering if anyone had any thoughts or feelings, or had time to process the transition between being a girlfriend and a wife.

I am currently recently married, originally we planned for a wedding at the end of the year, but due to unforeseen (health related) circumstances of one of my in-laws, we rushed the wedding and completed it in June.

Not that I had second thoughts, but I feel that I didn't have the time and opportunity to really think about the whole process, because when you marry someone, you honestly don't just marry the person alone, you marry the entire family, and I am finding this portion the hardest, learning to be a wife, learning to be a daughter-in-law.

I am someone who is quite headstrong, and I don't listen to "commands/orders", so I tend to do things my way, and to suddenly need to become a good DIL, and listen to my parents in law, and do things that I never used to do, it's something that is unfamiliar.

Obviously my husband and I are having issues, and because I didn't want to make matters worse, I do not live with him mon-thurs, while we wait for our flat to come in about 1 year's time. But I'm wondering, has anyone experienced the same thing that I did. Did you take the marriage prep period to think about the transition between girlfriend to wife, or it just came very naturally?

I feel that part of why we keep having issues is because I am not mentally ready to be a wife or a daughter-in-law…i'm not sure if having that additional months to myself to think through the process would make a difference?

 

[clem]

Hi Phyris,
Obviously you have doubt in your own marriage, which is not a good sign considering you are only 4+ months married.

Can't really figure out what went wrong in your marriage because you didn't share in your post. All you have mentioned is that you "did not" have the "additional months" to think through the process.... Are you saying, if you were given the "additional months", you might decide not to marry your husband?

What made you have doubt in the marriage? Is it because the wedding did not happen according to your plan/agenda? Is it because you becoming someone's DIL and you don't like the new role?

Marriage is a learning process itself. While adapting yourself to be someone else's wife and DIL, you also learn to be part of the new families. Note that you are not alone, because your husband is going through the same process as well - learning to be your husband and also SIL of your parents/family.

If there's something else that caused you to have doubt about the marriage, I suggest you quickly sort it out with your husband and give it a quick clean cut before it's too late. However if you are keen to continue, I suggest you at least figure out what really is the issue first.

Probably the first thing you can consider is, instead of treating it as "following someone's command/order", try to treat it as "giving respect to someone who is senior".

All the best, meanwhile will be happy to share my opinion if you need one.

 

[littlepinkpointes]

Hi all,

Am just wondering if anyone had any thoughts or feelings, or had time to process the transition between being a girlfriend and a wife.

I am currently recently married, originally we planned for a wedding at the end of the year, but due to unforeseen (health related) circumstances of one of my in-laws, we rushed the wedding and completed it in June.

Not that I had second thoughts, but I feel that I didn't have the time and opportunity to really think about the whole process, because when you marry someone, you honestly don't just marry the person alone, you marry the entire family, and I am finding this portion the hardest, learning to be a wife, learning to be a daughter-in-law.

I am someone who is quite headstrong, and I don't listen to "commands/orders", so I tend to do things my way, and to suddenly need to become a good DIL, and listen to my parents in law, and do things that I never used to do, it's something that is unfamiliar.

Obviously my husband and I are having issues, and because I didn't want to make matters worse, I do not live with him mon-thurs, while we wait for our flat to come in about 1 year's time. But I'm wondering, has anyone experienced the same thing that I did. Did you take the marriage prep period to think about the transition between girlfriend to wife, or it just came very naturally?

I feel that part of why we keep having issues is because I am not mentally ready to be a wife or a daughter-in-law…i'm not sure if having that additional months to myself to think through the process would make a difference?

Maybe you are not used to suddenly be apart of new families with new roles and responsibilities? And that living with someone else other than your own family members was overwhelming for you?

I agree with Clem. It's not very healthy to have such 'thoughts' just a few months into the marriage. Try to talk and sort things out with your husband about what's causing the 'tension'? In a calm and non agitated manner that is and don't let all the emotions take over the discussion. For all you know, he's also experiencing the same feelings of managing the change. In-laws issue can be quite sticky if not handled well.

I have a friend who stay apart from her husband a few days a week (for a year) while waiting for their flat to be ready. The husband will only stay over at her parents place over the weekend. She too had to push forward her wedding a few months because of her grandma's passing. I think it's still ok and normal considering the fact that HDB takes time to complete our BTOs and all.

I hope things work out and turn for the better for u!

 

[jiakliaobee]

Best is to still get out while you can.. lost money can be earned back but lost time is gone forever

 

[miloice]

Best is to still get out while you can.. lost money can be earned back but lost time is gone forever

I don't understand the comment. Instead of first trying understand her emotions and evaluating, the advise is to get out ASAP. If she rushed into things and now unsure, how does rushing an exit help? Marriage is a game, one moment rush in, the next rush out. She probably shouldn't rush to start a family now, while she sort out her thoughts and what she really need and want. What is the rush to get out ? That decision itself is rather irreversible as well.

 

[jiakliaobee]

I don't understand the comment. Instead of first trying understand her emotions and evaluating, the advise is to get out ASAP. If she rushed into things and now unsure, how does rushing an exit help? Marriage is a game, one moment rush in, the next rush out. She probably shouldn't rush to start a family now, while she sort out her thoughts and what she really need and want. What is the rush to get out ? That decision itself is rather irreversible as well.

Her emotions are clear. She said she has problems with her husband, as well as her MIL. You understand that marriage requires two parties to compromise for a happy coexistence right?

The parties here are the thread starter and the family of her husband. Her husband is and his family are considered one party. It is also clear she felt rushed into it; which means she has compromised because it is not her plan to get married so soon but she compromised for the situation. Based on what she is saying, isn't it clear that her in laws and husband are not compromising in their demands on her even if she has on her part made provisions to bring forward the wedding?

The one thing that starts breaking relationships is where one party feels they are either compromising/ putting in more than the other. It does not look good for the thread starter for her marriage to start off like this. As long as she has youth, and is a nice person, her current in laws are easily replaceable. Like you and everyone else she deserves to be in an equitable relationship.

I don't understand the comment. Instead of first trying understand her emotions and evaluating, the advise is to get out ASAP. If she rushed into things and now unsure, how does rushing an exit help? Marriage is a game, one moment rush in, the next rush out. She probably shouldn't rush to start a family now, while she sort out her thoughts and what she really need and want. What is the rush to get out ? That decision itself is rather irreversible as well.

 

[miloice]

Her emotions are clear. She said she has problems with her husband, as well as her MIL. You understand that marriage requires two parties to compromise for a happy coexistence right?

The parties here are the thread starter and the family of her husband. Her husband is and his family are considered one party. It is also clear she felt rushed into it; which means she has compromised because it is not her plan to get married so soon but she compromised for the situation. Based on what she is saying, isn't it clear that her in laws and husband are not compromising in their demands on her even if she has on her part made provisions to bring forward the wedding?

The one thing that starts breaking relationships is where one party feels they are either compromising/ putting in more than the other. It does not look good for the thread starter for her marriage to start off like this. As long as she has youth, and is a nice person, her current in laws are easily replaceable. Like you and everyone else she deserves to be in an equitable relationship.

Clear? I wouldn't be so quick to conclude. Again, what is the rush here to conclude? The manner you conclude on things is rather scary and opinionated. Shouldn't she be exploring avenues to communicate about the issues instead of quitting ASAP at the early signs of problems? Which couple don't have issues going through changes?

 

[jiakliaobee]

Let me tell you what is scary.

Scary is when she allows this to continue and watch this dissonance eat away at her while people advise her to "work things out". She is married and only lives with her husband 3 times a week. Obviously the problems are large enough to make avoiding each other a temporary solution.

Scary is when eventually her in laws fail to cut her some slack and she has a child, compounding her problems.

Scary is when her friends coax her to keep finding a solution to a problem she has no control over because how her in-laws perceive how a DIL should be treated is already set in stone over decades.

Scary is when people think that it is correct that marriage is a struggle and you have to exhaust yourself fixing endless problems to a point where you are seeking advice from a public forum. Marriage is not smooth sailing for sure. But it is also not meant to cripple you and make you feel trapped. It should not make you doubt yourself too. Most of all, you should be happy most of the time in a marriage and the problems should only take up small pockets of time here and there. If there are big problems, husband and wife work together, they sleep together and they are together, bto or not.

Clear? I wouldn't be so quick to conclude. Again, what is the rush here to conclude? The manner you conclude on things is rather scary and opinionated. Shouldn't she be exploring avenues to communicate about the issues instead of quitting ASAP at the early signs of problems? Which couple don't have issues going through changes?

 

[miloice]

Are you here to help the TS based on her situation or to tell your own story to justify your thinking?

Which part did I even mention about just accepting the expectations her in laws has. Obviously here obviously there. What is obvious, you already concluded alot of things. Well, kind of pointless to continue the exchange. You are so damn sure about everything is as you interpreted.

Phyris, how much of what you are feeling have you shared with your husband? How is the communication channel all this while? You mentioned that the marriage is rushed because of health reasons. I believe this means one of his parent is diagnosed with terminal disease? What is already done, there is no point regretting. How do you want to move forward from here. You mentioned you are only living with his family in the weekends. What is the arrangement and plan when the flat comes.

Perhaps, you can elaborate.

Let me tell you what is scary.

Scary is when she allows this to continue and watch this dissonance eat away at her while people advise her to "work things out". She is married and only lives with her husband 3 times a week. Obviously the problems are large enough to make avoiding each other a temporary solution.

Scary is when eventually her in laws fail to cut her some slack and she has a child, compounding her problems.

Scary is when her friends coax her to keep finding a solution to a problem she has no control over because how her in-laws perceive how a DIL should be treated is already set in stone over decades.

Scary is when people think that it is correct that marriage is a struggle and you have to exhaust yourself fixing endless problems to a point where you are seeking advice from a public forum. Marriage is not smooth sailing for sure. But it is also not meant to cripple you and make you feel trapped. It should not make you doubt yourself too. Most of all, you should be happy most of the time in a marriage and the problems should only take up small pockets of time here and there. If there are big problems, husband and wife work together, they sleep together and they are together, bto or not.

 

[clem]

I second miloice.

We are in no position to conclude anything base on just one post from Phyris, which she did not provide much details as I pointed out earlier.

Phyris has problem with her husband and in-laws (who doesn't have?), but are the problems so huge that she has to give up just 4 months into marriage? The marriage is the result of the bf and gf who love each other... should she give up? I won't be sure, I'm not Phyris.

 

[littlepinkpointes]

I don't think it's that serious to the stage of 'get out while you can'. I feel that's also an irresponsible step to take. Problems are there for us to fix it, and not throw it away.

She is just not mentally prepared of her new role and responsibility. Over time, with adapting and understanding, giving and taking, things will hopefully be better. We may not expect characters and personality to change for others, but we can work towards understanding, communicating and compromising (to a reasonable extent) among one another.

If everyone 'steps out of it' every time problem happens, then what is there in the sanctity of marriage and love.

We are not here to judge and give extreme conclusion. Just maybe at our best, listen and give our suggestions and sometimes experience to others.

 

[miloice]

There is basically not enough information to conclude that the marriage is hopeless and her husband is a total jerk. Not unusual to read about a very miserable situation in one post and then after, an update when the situation is looking alot better. Everyone of us is capable to be understanding or totally unreasonable. The context, understanding and state of mind of the individual matters a lot. If TS make conclusions by herself, rather than make it known with her partner, it leaves many room for misunderstanding. Resentments that accumulate based on misinterpretation is tragic and regrettable.

Probably, her husband needs a wake up call to realise the issues are something really serious and affecting his wife. If the individual value their pride and individual expectation more than the relationship, then, it is looking very bleak.

 

[gladjo]

Phyris .. who is "mentally" prep to be a wive then become a "mum cum wife" then after that " mum cum wive cum tuition teacher" n then after that " mum cum wife cum teacher cum house cleaner " .... u see ..we all learn as we go along ..give each other time to adapt ...franky, if u call it quits now, it doesnt mean your nxt mil is a sweet old lady.

So...be more mature n be versatile otherwise when baby comes along, you will hv alot of trouble. Unless you make very very sure no baby until you are ready or ...its a marriage with no babies, then why get married.

Think carefully n wisely..dun jump train when it gets tough, then this marriage is a failure from the start. Think again.

 

[life_is]

Hi all,

Am just wondering if anyone had any thoughts or feelings, or had time to process the transition between being a girlfriend and a wife.

I am currently recently married, originally we planned for a wedding at the end of the year, but due to unforeseen (health related) circumstances of one of my in-laws, we rushed the wedding and completed it in June.

Not that I had second thoughts, but I feel that I didn't have the time and opportunity to really think about the whole process, because when you marry someone, you honestly don't just marry the person alone, you marry the entire family, and I am finding this portion the hardest, learning to be a wife, learning to be a daughter-in-law.

I am someone who is quite headstrong, and I don't listen to "commands/orders", so I tend to do things my way, and to suddenly need to become a good DIL, and listen to my parents in law, and do things that I never used to do, it's something that is unfamiliar.

Obviously my husband and I are having issues, and because I didn't want to make matters worse, I do not live with him mon-thurs, while we wait for our flat to come in about 1 year's time. But I'm wondering, has anyone experienced the same thing that I did. Did you take the marriage prep period to think about the transition between girlfriend to wife, or it just came very naturally?

I feel that part of why we keep having issues is because I am not mentally ready to be a wife or a daughter-in-law…i'm not sure if having that additional months to myself to think through the process would make a difference?

Now that you are married, have to deal with it or call it quits. Dragging on to say you are not ready is not what responsible adults do. Think carefully about why you got married in the first place. Now that you are married, both should take each other as priority, so orders from in laws should be a non issue if they are not agreed on by the married couple. So why worry?

Most importantly, are you willing to work as a team with your husband and stick together against all odds? It's just the beginning of a long journey. If you don't love him enough to work as a team, have to be prepared for failure. You can also consider marriage prep even if you already have a cert. Perhaps that will help adjust your expectations.

 

[Infernolord]

Hi all,


I am someone who is quite headstrong, and I don't listen to "commands/orders", so I tend to do things my way, and to suddenly need to become a good DIL, and listen to my parents in law, and do things that I never used to do, it's something that is unfamiliar.

I feel that part of why we keep having issues is because I am not mentally ready to be a wife or a daughter-in-law…i'm not sure if having that additional months to myself to think through the process would make a difference?

Marriage is a life time commitments. It is never easy. If you are looking for short cuts and want things to goes your way.. or the easy way out, then i suggest u to be single and "play", you are not stable enough to get marry.
This will comes back onto you the next marriage and next one.. until u understand that marriage comes with efforts and compromising.

Separately, if you really going to stop the marriage and think longer. Chances are you going to lost him and all the respect from his folks.
Put yourself into your husband shoes.. how would you feel, if your husband divorce you saying that your family members is hard to live with.. .. i think is very silly excuses for lazy people to look for an easy way out.