any disagreements?
- Thread starter nudieposh
- Start date
traciee
Active Member
i didnt really have huge disagreements with my HTB... the only part i was quite pissed was during the initial period when i was shortlisting hotels and getting quotes. when i asked him, everything was a "can, okay...." but after all the work n trouble, he has so many comments. almost wanted to vomit blood lol. at the end we had a proper discussion and decided on the same hotel ^^
other than that was once when his relatives started 'contributing' ideas on how the wedding should be done and the auspicious dates etc. i was very angry and told him why are they even interfering when his parents don't even mind. that was the only 1 thing we argued about because he's kinda stuck in the middle. but eventually we compromised by changing the ROM date to an auspicious date based on his relatives comments, but signing at the ROM office with immd family members ... althou double work but at least it creates peace :3 hahahah.
other than that was once when his relatives started 'contributing' ideas on how the wedding should be done and the auspicious dates etc. i was very angry and told him why are they even interfering when his parents don't even mind. that was the only 1 thing we argued about because he's kinda stuck in the middle. but eventually we compromised by changing the ROM date to an auspicious date based on his relatives comments, but signing at the ROM office with immd family members ... althou double work but at least it creates peace :3 hahahah.
rachelyn
Member
These disagreements kept surfacing. It's mentally draining. It was OUR wedding but suddenly everyone has their opinions on how we should do it. It's straining our relationship to a point I wanna give up and call off the whole wedding.
Just when we thought things were going pretty smoothly, the future in-laws had to comment that our wedding date is inauspicious and told us to change it. There is absolutely no way to change everything we have already booked especially the hotel. I feel sorry for my HTB that he has demanding parents who initially wanted just a simple affair but kept giving opinions here and there. Apparently, their definition of "simple" is different.
We have other disagreements on the house, renovation matters and even raising our kids which don't even exist yet.
Any other BTB encountered such issues?
Just when we thought things were going pretty smoothly, the future in-laws had to comment that our wedding date is inauspicious and told us to change it. There is absolutely no way to change everything we have already booked especially the hotel. I feel sorry for my HTB that he has demanding parents who initially wanted just a simple affair but kept giving opinions here and there. Apparently, their definition of "simple" is different.
We have other disagreements on the house, renovation matters and even raising our kids which don't even exist yet.
Any other BTB encountered such issues?
traciee
Active Member
dun give up! I know its very VERY frustrating with all the objections here and there.. especially when people start giving comments as well..
When you n yr HTB booked the hotel banquet, were your in laws alr aware of the date? Or they just know it? I also kena this from my HTB' aunt... got so pissed I dun even know why was she interfering when it was our wedding... but my dad in law told us to book a seperate ROM date... cause I said it clear that im not going to change my booking dates for my banquet, AD photographer n other services. Its so time consuming!
My HTB and I also got different ways of house reno n the raising kids part.. but at times gotta compromise here n there for the greater good
Maybe u 2 can try sitting down tgt and have a nice talk? Try not to quarrel... both of you are becoming one soon
there are other more things to come!
jkwedding308
Active Member
I'm sorry to hear that you have to face all these... Yes, it's common for many to give their opinions on how YOUR wedding should be run and most of the time, these people are either people who have yet to get married themselves (wait till they plan their own wedding then only they'll understand all the behind-the-scenes issues that you're facing now - till then, they can never fully understand or empathize with you) or an older generation (whereby weddings back in their days are much simpler and cost way less so they too cannot fully understand all the extra details that come in your wedding prep as well as all the extra charges of vendors whose services don't exist during their time plus super inflated banquet prices that are like a gazillion times more expensive than their own banquet hehe)... I hope you and your fiancé have both managed to explain to his parents that it's hard to change the date when you've already paid a hefty deposit with the hotel (just tell them the actual price of the deposit and they may end up being shocked by how much you will lose if you cancel the booking). If you have friends coming from overseas, tell them too that these friends have even applied leave and paid for their flight tickets and it will be unfair to them as well. You can even further strengthen your case if you have printed and sent out the invitation cards - the date is fixed in there and all your guests already know the date and mark it down in their calendar - changing the date will only cause further confusion and many guests may actually end up not attending your wedding because of said confusion. As for disagreements regarding house, renovation and kids, it will have to depend on the respective situation. Many a time disagreements stem from different beliefs which arise from different expectations and upbringings. If you can identify these root causes and work through your differences, then hopefully you can both learn to give and take and mutually agree to a solution that is the most optimum. I know it's easier said than done and I know that having all these disagreements repetitively can be exhausting but try not to despair and don't give up hope yet k? Calm yourself down and have an honest but edifying talk with your fiancé and see if you both can work things out...
rachelyn
Member
We have already split our ROM and customary on 2 separate days cos we didn't want to rush through so many things in a day. Plus we wanted to sign the papers before we collect our keys to our house then hold the banquet after that.
But now the in-laws have issues about our customary date. We had to consult a fortune teller who advised us to do tea ceremony + gatecrashing (aka morning stuff) on a separate day (2 days before banquet, also a weekday!) then maintain our banquet date as usual.
This means MORE hassles because we have to book other services for our tea ceremony. I also have to inform ALL my sisters and brothers and relatives to take leave just to be present for the tea ceremony. Most importantly, the feel of getting married isn't there anymore if we do it separately. Because the banquet dinner will just be an ordinary dinner.
But now the in-laws have issues about our customary date. We had to consult a fortune teller who advised us to do tea ceremony + gatecrashing (aka morning stuff) on a separate day (2 days before banquet, also a weekday!) then maintain our banquet date as usual.
This means MORE hassles because we have to book other services for our tea ceremony. I also have to inform ALL my sisters and brothers and relatives to take leave just to be present for the tea ceremony. Most importantly, the feel of getting married isn't there anymore if we do it separately. Because the banquet dinner will just be an ordinary dinner.
rachelyn
Member
To add on, his parents are the kind who thinks money can solve all problems. But hello?? I'm the one who has to liaise with everyone. These troubles to go through are not measured by money! That really pissed me off quite a bit. But I'm on the losing end because his family is bigger and they require more tables than me, so I'm sort of the 'minority'.
jkwedding308
Active Member
We have already split our ROM and customary on 2 separate days cos we didn't want to rush through so many things in a day. Plus we wanted to sign the papers before we collect our keys to our house then hold the banquet after that.
But now the in-laws have issues about our customary date. We had to consult a fortune teller who advised us to do tea ceremony + gatecrashing (aka morning stuff) on a separate day (2 days before banquet, also a weekday!) then maintain our banquet date as usual.
This means MORE hassles because we have to book other services for our tea ceremony. I also have to inform ALL my sisters and brothers and relatives to take leave just to be present for the tea ceremony. Most importantly, the feel of getting married isn't there anymore if we do it separately. Because the banquet dinner will just be an ordinary dinner.
Have you tried explaining to them that changing the arrangement will mean having to book and pay all the vendors for a separate day's service whereby not all vendors are necessarily available on that day (e.g. PG may be doing a prewedding photoshoot that day) and you'll have to pay double the charges which can come up to thousands of dollars? Who is the one who is paying for all these services? If your fiancé is a major "investor", you can even try appealing to his parents' emotional side by calmly saying how you note how hard their son has been working to save up to pay for the wedding and now because of a separate day of morning ceremonies, he has to forgo an extra couple more months' income just to pay for this new arrangement when the money can easily be used to pay for the house etc. You can also try explaining that it's not easy for some of your brothers/sisters/relatives to apply leave just like that, especially if some of them already have an important meeting or appointment scheduled on that day and that it isn't fair to impose on them that way - turn the table around and prompt them that they too won't be too pleased either if they're suddenly made to take leave when they have a major appointment to attend on the same day just because someone decided to change the date of the customary rituals... Hopefully if they can begin to put themselves in your shoes and your helpers' shoes, they will then start to understand the implications of wanting to change the date...
traciee
Active Member
Dun think it this way
Is there any way your HTB can try talking to them? Or is there anything u feel u might be able to compromise or even give in to make things better?
Sigh sometimes i really dun understand why some parents behave this way :/ why wanna make everything so difficult
jkwedding308
Active Member
Money can certainly solve some problems but not all problems. Are they the ones who are paying for everything then? If not, just tell them that you and your fiancé don't have that sort of money that can supposedly solve all problems... And even if both of you are super rich, let them know that this isn't the way to flaunt money.. Plus money can't fix relationships that are strained because of this date change issue. Also, if money can really buy everything, ask them for help to go look for a wedding planner to take over all the planning and prep stuff including convincing all your helpers to take leave on that day and engage all the vendors including those who aren't free that day coz you just can't find such a wedding planner around who is willing to do the job (hence money can't solve this problem!!)... I really feel your heartache...
rachelyn
Member
I really appreciate you girls taking time to read my problems and giving me advices! Thank you!!!
They know that it is more trouble to take to double book services and stuff but being the head of the house, his dad is willing to pay for extra expenses which I disagree because that would make me more indebted to him! We are seeking a 2nd opinion about our customary date and hope that someone else can advice something better though we aren't putting much hopes since these dates come from the same 'tongshu'. 救命啊！！
They are pretty traditional parents with his dad being a businessman so I feel they just wanna play safe and heed whatever fortune teller's advices about such BIG life matters. Because if we disobey them and should anything bad happen to any of us in the family, I would be blamed.
They know that it is more trouble to take to double book services and stuff but being the head of the house, his dad is willing to pay for extra expenses which I disagree because that would make me more indebted to him! We are seeking a 2nd opinion about our customary date and hope that someone else can advice something better though we aren't putting much hopes since these dates come from the same 'tongshu'.
救命啊！！My HTB tried talking to them but they can be quite firm. Even if they try to compromise, I know they are not happy about it. It's very hard to please everyone. Now it's as if I'm trying to please everyone at the expense of my own happiness because eventually, I know I won't be happy after the wedding. It's gonna affect my marriage. I'm already on the verge of giving up everything. Forfeit all deposits that we have paid and just get on with MY own life.Dun think it this way
Is there any way your HTB can try talking to them? Or is there anything u feel u might be able to compromise or even give in to make things better?
Sigh sometimes i really dun understand why some parents behave this way :/ why wanna make everything so difficult
jkwedding308
Active Member
I really appreciate you girls taking time to read my problems and giving me advices! Thank you!!!
They are pretty traditional parents with his dad being a businessman so I feel they just wanna play safe and heed whatever fortune teller's advices about such BIG life matters. Because if we disobey them and should anything bad happen to any of us in the family, I would be blamed.
They know that it is more trouble to take to double book services and stuff but being the head of the house, his dad is willing to pay for extra expenses which I disagree because that would make me more indebted to him! We are seeking a 2nd opinion about our customary date and hope that someone else can advice something better though we aren't putting much hopes since these dates come from the same 'tongshu'.
My HTB tried talking to them but they can be quite firm. Even if they try to compromise, I know they are not happy about it. It's very hard to please everyone. Now it's as if I'm trying to please everyone at the expense of my own happiness because eventually, I know I won't be happy after the wedding. It's gonna affect my marriage. I'm already on the verge of giving up everything. Forfeit all deposits that we have paid and just get on with MY own life.
Yes, it can be very tricky if they get overly superstitious... And yes, I can understand how if anything should happen in the future, you will easily get the blame even if it's not your fault at all... I hope you and your hubby will be able to find another person who can verify that your current AD date is still auspicious enough and that his parents will be sufficiently convinced. If not, then sigh, maybe really no choice but to make all the changes and bear all the extra cost and trouble. And hopefully your helpers will be understanding enough when you explain to them the reason for the date change (though I get a feeling that it's gonna make them have a not-so-good impression of your fiance's parents)... When you said you know you won't be happy after the wedding, are you saying that purely based on this bad experience? It is very common for anyone to look at the future very bleakly when they're currently affected by an issue as major as the one that you're facing. Don't let this experience cloud your vision or hope on how your marriage can still be a blissful one in the future k? As for the disagreements on the other issues that you have with your fiancé, like I mentioned before, find out the root causes, discuss openly and constructively with your fiancé, and try to come up with a compromise ya?
Girl, I feel your frustration as I'm also going through it myself. ILs are selectively superstitious and they keep changing their minds - giving their $2 (not even 2 cents) worth of comments even though they say "up to you to decide, as long as you're happy". I guess I'm lucky in a way because my HTB is on my side, and my parents are also quite open minded and are really leaving the planning to the newlyweds here, so the ILs kinda get stressed when they realised that they are insisting on many things (I think they also feel paiseh).
One thing I've learnt via this wedding planning process is to pick my battles. After all, the wedding is only for a day, but marriage is for a lifetime, and so is your new family. No point making your ILs unhappy for a lifetime.
As a bride, I'd definitely want my day to be memorable, but putting myself in our parents' shoes, it may also be a proud moment for them (first wedding in the family, or we may be the parents' pride and joy etc), and they would definitely want to celebrate and 'show off' a little to relatives. Usually, what I do is to show them 2 options: either this or that. Before approaching them, I would also consider their reactions and prepare myself to come up with answers that will steer them in MY preferred direction. Hee hee hee... I will also speak to my HTB before we come up with a plan on how to tackle the parents.
Sometimes, I also get into arguments or cold wars with HTB because I want something to be done, and he's thinking of practicality. No fault of his because men are very practical creatures, but women tend to be sucked into the "wedding is once a lifetime event only... don't do now, then you'll never get the chance anymore" mindset. LOL
One thing I've learnt via this wedding planning process is to pick my battles. After all, the wedding is only for a day, but marriage is for a lifetime, and so is your new family. No point making your ILs unhappy for a lifetime.
As a bride, I'd definitely want my day to be memorable, but putting myself in our parents' shoes, it may also be a proud moment for them (first wedding in the family, or we may be the parents' pride and joy etc), and they would definitely want to celebrate and 'show off' a little to relatives. Usually, what I do is to show them 2 options: either this or that. Before approaching them, I would also consider their reactions and prepare myself to come up with answers that will steer them in MY preferred direction. Hee hee hee... I will also speak to my HTB before we come up with a plan on how to tackle the parents.
Sometimes, I also get into arguments or cold wars with HTB because I want something to be done, and he's thinking of practicality. No fault of his because men are very practical creatures, but women tend to be sucked into the "wedding is once a lifetime event only... don't do now, then you'll never get the chance anymore" mindset. LOL
traciee
Active Member
I really appreciate you girls taking time to read my problems and giving me advices! Thank you!!!
They are pretty traditional parents with his dad being a businessman so I feel they just wanna play safe and heed whatever fortune teller's advices about such BIG life matters. Because if we disobey them and should anything bad happen to any of us in the family, I would be blamed.
They know that it is more trouble to take to double book services and stuff but being the head of the house, his dad is willing to pay for extra expenses which I disagree because that would make me more indebted to him! We are seeking a 2nd opinion about our customary date and hope that someone else can advice something better though we aren't putting much hopes since these dates come from the same 'tongshu'.
My HTB tried talking to them but they can be quite firm. Even if they try to compromise, I know they are not happy about it. It's very hard to please everyone. Now it's as if I'm trying to please everyone at the expense of my own happiness because eventually, I know I won't be happy after the wedding. It's gonna affect my marriage. I'm already on the verge of giving up everything. Forfeit all deposits that we have paid and just get on with MY own life.
Sigh I agree with @jkwedding308 ... the whole situation really gets very tricky when superstitions come into picture. i always feel that whenever parents or our elders bring up 'traditions', we as the younger ones have nothing to say already :/
anyway, don't let this issue affect your whole happiness! there will always be a way out.. might be an easy one or a long torturing one but there WILL be a solution.. don't fret ok? a wedding must be a happy occasion! hope your 2nd opinion comes fast so that there can at least be more certainty...
but actually at times, i think that to ensure our 'happiness' for the life after marriage, it might just be a good thing to give in a lil to the parents in law.. or else it's gonna be a terrible rollercoaster ride after you get married, which makes you even unhappy
rachelyn
Member
Thanks jkwedding308, traciee and DTa!
It is really frustrating especially now it's already end of 2014 and most hotels are already booked for end of 2015 (my wedding is Oct 2015). I called up my hotel and asked if I could change a date but I gotta get a list of auspicious dates from the fortune teller 1st before I can let the hotel know. Hotel even said it's subjected to hotel's management approval as the date that I chose was a really hot date. If they really have no other dates for me, I might resort to cancelling it with a 30% compensation.
So it is NOT possible to change hotel at this point in time.
How did you tackle this problem when you were stuck in the middle on pleasing both sides and yourself at the same time? I don't think I can ever reach a consensus to ensure everyone is at least 50% pleased.
Take for example, I have given in a lot whereby I cut my number of tables lesser so that they can invite more of their family (some of whom they hardly even meet, not even once a year) and some corporate clients. I always feel like "Why do I have to sacrifice myself and my family to accommodate to others?"
2 words. 委屈.
Any of you have disagreements about religion matters? That is probably one issue that I'm facing and I'm afraid to face because I am not willing to convert to his.
It is really frustrating especially now it's already end of 2014 and most hotels are already booked for end of 2015 (my wedding is Oct 2015). I called up my hotel and asked if I could change a date but I gotta get a list of auspicious dates from the fortune teller 1st before I can let the hotel know. Hotel even said it's subjected to hotel's management approval as the date that I chose was a really hot date. If they really have no other dates for me, I might resort to cancelling it with a 30% compensation.
So it is NOT possible to change hotel at this point in time.Unfortunately, I said it based on past encounters where the MIL has made unreasonable requests about our married life that are totally unacceptable. I've got a feeling she would be a really difficult MIL to deal with especially when kids come along. The only good thing is we won't be living with her so thank God!
Exactly my point! They were the ones who said "simple affair will do" and let us go source on our own etc but now everything is set then they start contributing ideas. I'm also glad my family is the less calculative ones who really respect my decisions. So far the ILs have been demanding for things without asking about my mum's opinions yet. Another headache when they officially meet.
How did you tackle this problem when you were stuck in the middle on pleasing both sides and yourself at the same time? I don't think I can ever reach a consensus to ensure everyone is at least 50% pleased.
Giving in is easy but gotta see timing and the amount of things that we have already done. It's not like we do not have to work and have other personal commitments to attend to. We don't plan our wedding stuff 100% of our time. When we finally thought things were really settled and we could just handle the smaller nitty gritty details a step at a time, they would just make a comment like "this date no good. go change" and expect things to re-arrange themselves.Sigh I agree with @jkwedding308 ... the whole situation really gets very tricky when superstitions come into picture. i always feel that whenever parents or our elders bring up 'traditions', we as the younger ones have nothing to say already :/
anyway, don't let this issue affect your whole happiness! there will always be a way out.. might be an easy one or a long torturing one but there WILL be a solution.. don't fret ok? a wedding must be a happy occasion! hope your 2nd opinion comes fast so that there can at least be more certainty...
but actually at times, i think that to ensure our 'happiness' for the life after marriage, it might just be a good thing to give in a lil to the parents in law.. or else it's gonna be a terrible rollercoaster ride after you get married, which makes you even unhappy
Take for example, I have given in a lot whereby I cut my number of tables lesser so that they can invite more of their family (some of whom they hardly even meet, not even once a year) and some corporate clients. I always feel like "Why do I have to sacrifice myself and my family to accommodate to others?"
2 words. 委屈.
Any of you have disagreements about religion matters? That is probably one issue that I'm facing and I'm afraid to face because I am not willing to convert to his.
jkwedding308
Active Member
Thanks jkwedding308, traciee and DTa!
It is really frustrating especially now it's already end of 2014 and most hotels are already booked for end of 2015 (my wedding is Oct 2015). I called up my hotel and asked if I could change a date but I gotta get a list of auspicious dates from the fortune teller 1st before I can let the hotel know. Hotel even said it's subjected to hotel's management approval as the date that I chose was a really hot date. If they really have no other dates for me, I might resort to cancelling it with a 30% compensation.
Unfortunately, I said it based on past encounters where the MIL has made unreasonable requests about our married life that are totally unacceptable. I've got a feeling she would be a really difficult MIL to deal with especially when kids come along. The only good thing is we won't be living with her so thank God!
Exactly my point! They were the ones who said "simple affair will do" and let us go source on our own etc but now everything is set then they start contributing ideas. I'm also glad my family is the less calculative ones who really respect my decisions. So far the ILs have been demanding for things without asking about my mum's opinions yet. Another headache when they officially meet.
How did you tackle this problem when you were stuck in the middle on pleasing both sides and yourself at the same time? I don't think I can ever reach a consensus to ensure everyone is at least 50% pleased.
Giving in is easy but gotta see timing and the amount of things that we have already done. It's not like we do not have to work and have other personal commitments to attend to. We don't plan our wedding stuff 100% of our time. When we finally thought things were really settled and we could just handle the smaller nitty gritty details a step at a time, they would just make a comment like "this date no good. go change" and expect things to re-arrange themselves.
Take for example, I have given in a lot whereby I cut my number of tables lesser so that they can invite more of their family (some of whom they hardly even meet, not even once a year) and some corporate clients. I always feel like "Why do I have to sacrifice myself and my family to accommodate to others?"
2 words. 委屈.
Any of you have disagreements about religion matters? That is probably one issue that I'm facing and I'm afraid to face because I am not willing to convert to his.
What kind of unreasonable requests have your MIL made with regards to your marriage? Also what is your religion and what is your fiance's religion? Is there something about his religion that makes it hard for you to convert to his? Are your in-laws coercing you to convert as well and is your fiancé ok with you retaining your current religious beliefs?
rachelyn
Member
They are taoists while I'm catholic. I'm not a very devoted catholic cos I hardly go to church, neither does he go to temple. His family didn't insist on me converting (yet) but I'm sure once I'm married over, things will change.
His mum ever requested me to "donate" my dog away once we get married n have kids cos she doesn't like dogs as she finds them dirty
This is one thing I can NEVER do. I told her my dog is my responsibility and she wasn't happy about it. My fiance talked back to her about this issue also and she has never mentioned it again. But like I said, after married, things will always change.
traciee
Active Member
Thanks jkwedding308, traciee and DTa!
It is really frustrating especially now it's already end of 2014 and most hotels are already booked for end of 2015 (my wedding is Oct 2015). I called up my hotel and asked if I could change a date but I gotta get a list of auspicious dates from the fortune teller 1st before I can let the hotel know. Hotel even said it's subjected to hotel's management approval as the date that I chose was a really hot date. If they really have no other dates for me, I might resort to cancelling it with a 30% compensation.
Unfortunately, I said it based on past encounters where the MIL has made unreasonable requests about our married life that are totally unacceptable. I've got a feeling she would be a really difficult MIL to deal with especially when kids come along. The only good thing is we won't be living with her so thank God!
Exactly my point! They were the ones who said "simple affair will do" and let us go source on our own etc but now everything is set then they start contributing ideas. I'm also glad my family is the less calculative ones who really respect my decisions. So far the ILs have been demanding for things without asking about my mum's opinions yet. Another headache when they officially meet.
How did you tackle this problem when you were stuck in the middle on pleasing both sides and yourself at the same time? I don't think I can ever reach a consensus to ensure everyone is at least 50% pleased.
Giving in is easy but gotta see timing and the amount of things that we have already done. It's not like we do not have to work and have other personal commitments to attend to. We don't plan our wedding stuff 100% of our time. When we finally thought things were really settled and we could just handle the smaller nitty gritty details a step at a time, they would just make a comment like "this date no good. go change" and expect things to re-arrange themselves.
Take for example, I have given in a lot whereby I cut my number of tables lesser so that they can invite more of their family (some of whom they hardly even meet, not even once a year) and some corporate clients. I always feel like "Why do I have to sacrifice myself and my family to accommodate to others?"
2 words. 委屈.
Any of you have disagreements about religion matters? That is probably one issue that I'm facing and I'm afraid to face because I am not willing to convert to his.
They are taoists while I'm catholic. I'm not a very devoted catholic cos I hardly go to church, neither does he go to temple. His family didn't insist on me converting (yet) but I'm sure once I'm married over, things will change.
His mum ever requested me to "donate" my dog away once we get married n have kids cos she doesn't like dogs as she finds them dirty
i know babe. planning a wedding is not easy at all.. and it's worse when ppl keep using their mouth to request for this n that when they dunno how much time and effort has alr been put in
is your HTB their only son or only child? or his parents are those kind that super want face? :/
for religion matters, i think u gotta explicitly tell them that you're not gonna give up being a catholic or convert to taoism. just because you're marrying into their family doesn't mean that you gotta give up you whole identity!
& how can the mum say that about your dog!! omg if my htb mum were to say that, i will tell her NO. i didnt marry your son just so you can control another person. urgh.
but then again, i know things are not looking so good now.. but don't be too pessimistic! it's gonna make yourself dread the whole wedding/marriage even more
try not to think things like "but I'm sure once I'm married over, things will change"... what is ur HTB stand on all these?
nudieposh
Member
@rachelyn
i know things aint going very smoothly for you now but dont give up! i am in my initial stage of planning for my end of 2015 wedding and i already feel that everything seems to be like a process. i lose tt excitement in me when i first had. and its really not about me and my HTB. it's about 2 families. and there will surely be a way to ease things out. as both your HTB and you are very stress now, will it be good if both of u take a short break, maybe a weekend getaway or staycation? get away from the trouble, relax your mind and have a good talk. i believe both of you will come to a better understanding and you may be able to find a way to manage the situation better. need not be a very expensive trip... but something simple and away from all the trouble.. and i agree with @traciee you need to know your HTB stand.. and what is his reaction and feelings towards all these.
as for your house reno and such.. my gf recently face this problem.. her FIL want to interfere in every process of the reno up till the furniture process. but i told her to let her FIL do all he want for now. because she has all her time and life in future to slowly change the house that she wants it to be.
stay positive ya!
i know things aint going very smoothly for you now but dont give up! i am in my initial stage of planning for my end of 2015 wedding and i already feel that everything seems to be like a process. i lose tt excitement in me when i first had. and its really not about me and my HTB. it's about 2 families. and there will surely be a way to ease things out. as both your HTB and you are very stress now, will it be good if both of u take a short break, maybe a weekend getaway or staycation? get away from the trouble, relax your mind and have a good talk. i believe both of you will come to a better understanding and you may be able to find a way to manage the situation better. need not be a very expensive trip... but something simple and away from all the trouble.. and i agree with @traciee you need to know your HTB stand.. and what is his reaction and feelings towards all these.
as for your house reno and such.. my gf recently face this problem.. her FIL want to interfere in every process of the reno up till the furniture process. but i told her to let her FIL do all he want for now. because she has all her time and life in future to slowly change the house that she wants it to be.
stay positive ya!
jkwedding308
Active Member
They are taoists while I'm catholic. I'm not a very devoted catholic cos I hardly go to church, neither does he go to temple. His family didn't insist on me converting (yet) but I'm sure once I'm married over, things will change.
His mum ever requested me to "donate" my dog away once we get married n have kids cos she doesn't like dogs as she finds them dirty
Hmm I suppose they may start imposing on you to join in the religious rituals including ancestral worship even if they don't ask you to convert and they'll start to say it's part of filial piety etc. Yea, you should really discuss with your fiancé what's his stand if situations like this should arise in the future and how you can both work these things out.
As for the dog, just let your in-laws know that the dog is staying at your home and not theirs (correct me if I'm wrong but you won't be staying with your in-laws after the wedding right?) so they don't need to worry about it (your dog looks super cute btw). As for their concern that the dog may be dirty and may affect their grandkids, just let them know that you routinely wash your dog so it isn't as dirty as what they may think.
Don't get too despaired k?
rachelyn
Member
@traciee he has 1 elder sister, so yea, only son. His dad is businessman, so they sort of wanna look good also. Currently, my fiance and I don't discuss much about religion. His family doesn't force me to go temple or what also. I hope they keep it this way. As for my dog, he will stay with me til his last breath. He's my world. And I'm glad my fiance thinks the same as me. I just have to be very diligent to keep my own house super clean if the ILs come over to visit so they won't start nagging.
@nudieposh, i feel you. I was really excited when we started planning for our wedding until hiccups appeared. And yes, it's very true marriage isn't 2 people matter
House reno is another issue altogether cos his parents also have opinions but we still have a few months before we collect our keys so we don't wanna think about it yet. Thanks for ur encouragement!
@jkwedding308, some elders will always have a negative view on having pets at home no matter the size of the pet. Even a slight smell will annoy them. I can only try to reduce any interaction between my dog and his parents to prevent more naggings. If they insists on getting rid of my dog, i might really flare up.
@nudieposh, i feel you. I was really excited when we started planning for our wedding until hiccups appeared. And yes, it's very true marriage isn't 2 people matter
House reno is another issue altogether cos his parents also have opinions but we still have a few months before we collect our keys so we don't wanna think about it yet. Thanks for ur encouragement!
@jkwedding308, some elders will always have a negative view on having pets at home no matter the size of the pet. Even a slight smell will annoy them. I can only try to reduce any interaction between my dog and his parents to prevent more naggings. If they insists on getting rid of my dog, i might really flare up.
nudieposh
Member
@traciee he has 1 elder sister, so yea, only son. His dad is businessman, so they sort of wanna look good also. Currently, my fiance and I don't discuss much about religion. His family doesn't force me to go temple or what also. I hope they keep it this way. As for my dog, he will stay with me til his last breath. He's my world. And I'm glad my fiance thinks the same as me. I just have to be very diligent to keep my own house super clean if the ILs come over to visit so they won't start nagging.
@nudieposh, i feel you. I was really excited when we started planning for our wedding until hiccups appeared. And yes, it's very true marriage isn't 2 people matter
House reno is another issue altogether cos his parents also have opinions but we still have a few months before we collect our keys so we don't wanna think about it yet. Thanks for ur encouragement!
@jkwedding308, some elders will always have a negative view on having pets at home no matter the size of the pet. Even a slight smell will annoy them. I can only try to reduce any interaction between my dog and his parents to prevent more naggings. If they insists on getting rid of my dog, i might really flare up.
take it one at a time. jiayou and be happy k.
rachelyn
Member
Thanks girls!
Quick update. I pray and hope that things will be fine despite all these hiccups because most BTBs will walk this journey. MILs will always be there to decide matters so we can only give in and respect them as long as it's not too unreasonable. I guess for now we might just stick to what the feng shui master has adviced - that is to hold our customary and banquet on separate days. And then take one step at a time after I'm married over.
One question to post though... Have any of you met with any problems when both sides' parents meet? Any conflicts or "don't like the first impression" sort of issues? I'm fearing the day when both parents have to meet because we both come from different upbringing (eg. his family more chinese-educated while mine is english). And usually when do you suggest the parents meet for the first time?
traciee
Active Member
Hey babe! Good to hear that things are progressing well for u!!
For meet the parents, I used to have the same worry as u.. reason being im not close with my dad & we cannot get along (my mum passed away 2yrs back) and my future FIL doesnt like a certain group of people and my dad happens to be one of those kind..
But things 'progress' and my dad is out of my life and I've explained to my in laws and they totally understand.. so I managed to 'siam' that part.
Of course I know that you'll never be in the same situation as me.. I also wont want anyone to be in the same situation. For your case, maybe u n ur htb can 'pre-empt' one another parents on how the other party parents are so they can be 'prepared'?
of course dun talk bad lah. Hahahaha. I would suggest before your ROM.. will be awkward for them to meet the first time on your ROM...
Maybe 1 or 2 mths before? Have a meet up lunch or dinner
rachelyn
Member
We are in similar situation then. I'm not on good terms with my dad, so most of the wedding stuff I only discuss it with my mum. I'm only planning to inform my dad that I'm getting married and he'll be invited.Hey babe! Good to hear that things are progressing well for u!!
For meet the parents, I used to have the same worry as u.. reason being im not close with my dad & we cannot get along (my mum passed away 2yrs back) and my future FIL doesnt like a certain group of people and my dad happens to be one of those kind..
But things 'progress' and my dad is out of my life and I've explained to my in laws and they totally understand.. so I managed to 'siam' that part.
Of course I know that you'll never be in the same situation as me.. I also wont want anyone to be in the same situation. For your case, maybe u n ur htb can 'pre-empt' one another parents on how the other party parents are so they can be 'prepared'?
I would suggest before your ROM.. will be awkward for them to meet the first time on your ROM...
Maybe 1 or 2 mths before? Have a meet up lunch or dinner
As for his parents, they dont know anything about my dad being on such terms with me. My ROM is in march and I guess they gotta meet really soon then.
traciee
Active Member
We are in similar situation then. I'm not on good terms with my dad, so most of the wedding stuff I only discuss it with my mum. I'm only planning to inform my dad that I'm getting married and he'll be invited.
As for his parents, they dont know anything about my dad being on such terms with me. My ROM is in march and I guess they gotta meet really soon then.
ah then i guess it's pretty similar
well at least you still have your mum to be there!
think your HTB gotta inform his parents too about your dad? maybe not too detailed but at least they know what's going on.. unless you don't mind 'acting' up a good show for them :/ (which was initially what i wanted to do to avoid all the questioning and explaining... but all troubles saved now because he's not even coming to my ROM in a week's time).maybe they can meet during new year for a lunch or something? or chinese new year?
rachelyn
Member
Congrats on ur ROM! Must be getting nervous. I hope everything runs smoothly for u. Really glad your in laws are so understanding.ah then i guess it's pretty similar
well at least you still have your mum to be there!
maybe they can meet during new year for a lunch or something? or chinese new year?
Perhaps my mum might wanna pretend nothing is wrong on my side when they meet lol. I'm just probably gonna keep quiet when the elders meet.
So do the elders discuss the dowry and stuff during their first meetup? Some in laws don't maintain contact after the couple weds, which I feel a bit weird. Then again, some prefers it like that - purely in-laws relationship and not friend friend type.
traciee
Active Member
thanks!! nervous-ness havent kick in yet. hahaha
mine is gonna be done at the ROM office so it's pretty straightforward with only immd family members.. i was actually quite afraid of my FIL cause when he doesnt like something/someone, he really doesnt care. & on the other hand, my dad very high ego one.. so was afraid they might clash..
i think they can start discussing the dowry n wedding prep stuffs etc.. how far apart is your ROM n AD? if it's very far apart, i not sure if you would want do have a 2nd meet up nearer to AD date?
both my grandmothers dont keep contact LOL. my friend's mum n MIL also.. just purely in law relations.. better this way too :x
jkwedding308
Active Member
Hey gals... My parents met with my in-laws for the first time during the food-tasting session at the hotel haha (coz our ROM is same day as AD) so that's about 1-2 months before the wedding maybe? Either way, every family's different so don't get too daunted about it - take it one step at a time and hopefully it will all fall nicely in place..
rachelyn
Member
@traciee you will feel the nervousness soon! My ROM in march, AD in Oct. I'll have to let them meet first before ROM, maybe just a simple dinner to let them meet if not first time meet during ROM very awkward. Then maybe during food tasting for banquet they can meet again and discuss dowry etc.
Initially I thought it would be good for both sides to build rapport since gonna be family soon, but now I feel just leave it to them. If they click, they click. Force also no use.
@jkwedding308 I shall just let the elders 'interact' during the meetup lol. I only can expect comments from my mum after the dinner about how she finds the in-laws. I'm only worried language can be a barrier cos my mum's chinese is pte ltd, while the in-laws can't really speak english.
Initially I thought it would be good for both sides to build rapport since gonna be family soon, but now I feel just leave it to them. If they click, they click. Force also no use.
@jkwedding308 I shall just let the elders 'interact' during the meetup lol. I only can expect comments from my mum after the dinner about how she finds the in-laws. I'm only worried language can be a barrier cos my mum's chinese is pte ltd, while the in-laws can't really speak english.
nudieposh
Member
mine is a complicated case. my mom live in canada with her companion and i have already move in to stay with my IL .. both parents have not met.. but both mothers have talk on the phone. sometimes my mom will just call up his mom to chat and ask how is she.. and how am i.. but my FIL did comment before.. that he will never leave his children in singapore and migrate overseas.. i take it as an indirect saying that what my mom did is not right in his eyes. and my response to this is, as long as my mom is happy. i am happy. and he kept quiet.
both our family up-bring is different. i came fm a single parent family, so in terms of responsibility within e household, i am being trained since young. wherelse, my MIL does every single thing for their children. but like what @rachelyn said, leave it to them... if they click, they click.. anyway they wont be staying together. or seeing each other often..
both our family up-bring is different. i came fm a single parent family, so in terms of responsibility within e household, i am being trained since young. wherelse, my MIL does every single thing for their children. but like what @rachelyn said, leave it to them... if they click, they click.. anyway they wont be staying together. or seeing each other often..
traciee
Active Member
@traciee you will feel the nervousness soon! My ROM in march, AD in Oct. I'll have to let them meet first before ROM, maybe just a simple dinner to let them meet if not first time meet during ROM very awkward. Then maybe during food tasting for banquet they can meet again and discuss dowry etc.
Initially I thought it would be good for both sides to build rapport since gonna be family soon, but now I feel just leave it to them. If they click, they click. Force also no use.
@jkwedding308 I shall just let the elders 'interact' during the meetup lol. I only can expect comments from my mum after the dinner about how she finds the in-laws. I'm only worried language can be a barrier cos my mum's chinese is pte ltd, while the in-laws can't really speak english.
im actually more nervous on whether will it be awkward during lunch after ROM become i book a table in a restaurant and they gave us those private room.. LOL. wait nobody talk how
hahahahhaactually it's true, if they click then good.. if not, then no choice also.. afterall they wont be seeing one another THAT often..
jkwedding308
Active Member
Haha try not to worry too much.. They'll eventually find some common topic for small talk at least.. And yeah, best if they can click. If they can't, well, don't let that bug you too much..
My parents and ILs met for the first time during ROM and it was super awkward. Both parties stood far far away from each other haha. So I'm going to arrange for another meetup for parents only in a few weeks time! Hope everything goes well. I do understand the different upbringing part. My family's more English and Chinese educated whilst my ILs speak dialect and I sometimes don't understand 50% of the convo. We getting our own flat soon so no need to stay together even after ROM.
I think you need to talk to your HTB and come up with a plan together... whatever it is, if it's something negative, get your HTB to talk to his parents... they will be more likely to accept it if it's coming from him, rather than you. My parents are really easy going, my aunt, on the other hand, has a lot of senseless superstitions which I just ignore because I don't believe in them. The way I "operate" is "try to convince me to do something, make me see the logic. But if it's not logical, then I won't follow". For example, giving the spittoon and baby tub during GDL - I'm not following those traditions.
I hope you and your HTB stand strong together!
Both sides parents met very early on when we announced that we are getting married. Maybe about 1 year before AD, because my mum is not in SG so there is limited chances for both sides to meet. I was initially worried also, but the parents, like what nudieposh mentioned, they will find a way to small talk. Actually, I think the parents are also "paiseh" themselves!
rachelyn
Member
@nudieposh Actually I feel mother to mother should be easier to talk. Since your case they have spoken on the phone, it will be easier to break the ice when they meet up. As for your FIL's comment, they have their right to comment about anything but don't let your mother hear it. It's not a very nice comment afterall.
@traciee ya! That will be very awkward. But maybe you can try to find any common interest among the elders then try to engage them in it. Can hint your family to talk about their kampong days haha.
@eiko were they shy when they first met? Or it's a unhappy kinda awkward feeling?
I think even though the parents don't meet often after the wedding, is it necessary to invite them for birthdays or mother/father's day celebration? Like a whole family get-together. Cos I don't wanna end up celebrating with his side, and neglect my side.
@DTa my htb spoke to his parents yesterday about how he felt about the planning. His mum just continued commenting a lot of things which didn't match our requirements. Somehow his dad was able to understand that the planning isn't easy so he let us have our way. Now we just need to please Her Majesty.
A lot of superstitions are beyond my own beliefs but I can't ignore them especially when his mum brings them up. This is the time where I tell my htb to speak to them about our differences and pray they can give in a bit.
@traciee ya! That will be very awkward. But maybe you can try to find any common interest among the elders then try to engage them in it. Can hint your family to talk about their kampong days haha.
@eiko were they shy when they first met? Or it's a unhappy kinda awkward feeling?
I think even though the parents don't meet often after the wedding, is it necessary to invite them for birthdays or mother/father's day celebration? Like a whole family get-together. Cos I don't wanna end up celebrating with his side, and neglect my side.
@DTa my htb spoke to his parents yesterday about how he felt about the planning. His mum just continued commenting a lot of things which didn't match our requirements. Somehow his dad was able to understand that the planning isn't easy so he let us have our way. Now we just need to please Her Majesty.
A lot of superstitions are beyond my own beliefs but I can't ignore them especially when his mum brings them up. This is the time where I tell my htb to speak to them about our differences and pray they can give in a bit.
I see... well, at least you are 3 against 1 now! Jia you jia you! LOL... maybe try to get your FIL to help to talk to his wife? Are most of the things she's requesting "do-able but just very troublesome" or "completely 100% impossible"?
Rachelyn, it could be a mixture of shy and awkward and differences in culture. My ILs speak perfect dialect, conversational kind. I am not sure whether after the wedding it is necessary to keep in touch. My family seldom celebrate such occasions but my ILs do a lot, so it will only be me celebrating with them. I'm thinking that they can meet during housewarming, food tasting, actual day. Don't need to be best buddies but at least don't look awkward during actual day. That's all I hope for.
xhenrietta
Member
For my wedding preparation, so far no comments from anyone. I seem to be the only one who is concern about our wedding. :/
My htb only gives comment and suggestions, but in the end my happiness is the utmost importance.
My htb only gives comment and suggestions, but in the end my happiness is the utmost importance.
rachelyn
Member
Oh my gosh. After 1 thing settled, here comes another. When I thought my fiance is ok for both parents to meet, he suddenly flipped the table and said his parents didnt see the need to. Our ROM is in march, and our parents have not met. He thinks that it is perfectly ok to let them meet on the ROM day itself.
How did you ladies deal with this?
How did you ladies deal with this?
vanityprinceess
Member
I don't really have disagreements with my fiancé till recently my Dad has been putting tremendous stress on us both because initially our planned wedding is a simple solemn as I wanted a simple affair by inviting close friends and relatives because I feel that people who are closer to you are genuinely happy for you on your wedding day rather than just picking guests(people U even barely see for months/years) to fill up the seats for banquets but after he proposed and we brought up to my dad regarding our way of wedding he requested for banquet and due to the house is coming in another year time we also would like to save for the house rather than splurging on wedding banquets.
Is there any way I could enlighten him with our concerns?
Would appreciate any advices.
Is there any way I could enlighten him with our concerns?
Would appreciate any advices.
rachelyn
Member
@vanityprinceess Usually that's the case. Parents will always initially say "you guys decide, simple affair will do" but end up with more opinions than anyone else. That's what happened to me too. They told us to settle with "just enough" for all relatives which we estimated about 50 tables in total, but they wanted to add to around 70 . We had to cut down a lot to about 60 now. I have NEVER seen at least 70% of his relatives and yet we have to include them in the banquet as well. At least his parents were generous enough to offer to pay for add-ons of tables or requirements from their side .
Perhaps you can sit down with your Dad to let him know your initial plans + future plans (eg. house) and emphasize that costs for banquets are very high, probably can do a simple wedding, then treat the 'other guests' with a cheaper alternative (eg. buffet) on another date. It may be hard to make the elders understand but let him know you face constrains with finances. Worse case scenario, hint your Dad to contribute to the $$ you have to spend for the banquet if you and your fiance can't cope.
. We had to cut down a lot to about 60 now. I have NEVER seen at least 70% of his relatives and yet we have to include them in the banquet as well. At least his parents were generous enough to offer to pay for add-ons of tables or requirements from their side . Perhaps you can sit down with your Dad to let him know your initial plans + future plans (eg. house) and emphasize that costs for banquets are very high, probably can do a simple wedding, then treat the 'other guests' with a cheaper alternative (eg. buffet) on another date. It may be hard to make the elders understand but let him know you face constrains with finances. Worse case scenario, hint your Dad to contribute to the $$ you have to spend for the banquet if you and your fiance can't cope.
Rachelyn, why not tell him your concerns? He may not see the need for both sides to meet but he needs to understand what you think. It's a marriage and he needs to compromise to make things work.
rachelyn
Member
@DTa It's not so easy to make him understand because he's quite stubborn and can be very firm with his values. I talked to my mum about this and she said "then if I wanna meet means I 'trouble' them?" This is the feeling his parents give me also since they said no need to meet at all. But now my mum wants to meet and it looks like she's gonna inconvenient them.
jkwedding308
Active Member
Maybe his parents just felt that they wanted to keep things simple hence no need to meet your parents, especially when they think the idea to meet is either from you or your fiance.. Perhaps if both of you can voice out to his parents that your parents would like to meet them (which is the case here), they may feel differently about it and be more willing to meet...
Also, I think perhaps check with your mum on why she wants to meet his parents, either to discuss details about the wedding etc. Then put it across to your ILs (inform your HTB first) that there are things to be settled before the wedding.
Maybe his parents didn't want to meet because there wasn't anything in mind to discuss? Then meet already, afraid of awkwardness?
Maybe his parents didn't want to meet because there wasn't anything in mind to discuss? Then meet already, afraid of awkwardness?
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