Singaporebrides | Relationships

November 2024

When Should You Issue a Marriage Ultimatum?

By Tansey Tang

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Staring down December, and looking at another year without a proposal. Your best years are flying by, and you wonder, is it time to issue a marriage ultimatum?

How long is too long to wait for a proposal? If you’ve been in a relationship for many years and there seems to be no progress, you might be wondering if you’re wasting your time waiting for a proposal that isn’t forthcoming. And if you’re in your late twenties or thirties, the clock seems to be ticking especially loudly. After dropping numerous hints about your dying eggs or your married friends and getting no response, you decide to issue a marriage ultimatum. But when you force him to choose between marriage and breaking up, will you end up regretting the outcome?

Marriage is a significant step in any relationship, and when partners are on different timelines or levels of commitment, tension can arise. At some point, issuing a marriage ultimatum may feel like the only way to move your relationship forward. However, while it might seem like a solution, it often comes with risks. Before you declare it’s over if you don’t get a ring, there are a few important things you should consider.

When You’re Ready for Marriage But Your Partner Is Not

In relationships, it’s common for one partner to feel ready for marriage while the other is not. These differences often stem from differences in individual priorities such as career goals, personal growth, or financial readiness. Other factors that might make one partner more cautious about commitment could include a negative past relationship, or a negative familial frame of reference. People also grow at different rates emotionally and mentally, and a difference in maturity levels can affect readiness for such a big step.

Why Do You Feel You Need to Issue a Marriage Ultimatum?

Before making any threats to leave if you don’t get a proposal in X days, examine why you feel the need to issue that marriage ultimatum. Have you been feeling worried about your relationship and are you hoping to lock it down with a ring? If your motivations behind the marriage ultimatum stem from insecurity and trust issues, know that your relationship problems will not be resolved with marriage.

Are you feeling pressure from family or society to get married? Do you feel left behind by friends of similar age who have tied the knot? Perhaps you’ve been dating for quite some time but haven’t made a long-term plan, and you’re feeling unsure about the future of your relationship. Or the proposal isn’t coming quickly enough to fit into your life plan, and you want to get married so you can start planning a family and other life goals. Maybe you’ve been bringing up the topic of marriage for a while, but your partner keeps putting you off, leading to hurt and frustration. While these motivations are valid, issuing a marriage ultimatum often stems from frustration rather than constructive communication.

Why a Marriage Ultimatum May Backfire

When you give your partner only two choices–marry or break up–they may feel defensive about being backed into a corner. Ultimatums force a decision under pressure. Even if your partner agrees to marriage to avoid losing you, they might feel resentment about being forced into something without being truly ready, leading to future conflicts. Ultimatums can feel manipulative, and your partner can feel as if their own needs and timeline are not being respected when you make a threat to get what you want.

Drastic measures like ultimatums often overlook the value of open communication, which is a better foundation for resolving relationship conflicts.

How to Move Your Relationship Forward without a Marriage Ultimatum

If marriage is important to you and you feel uncertain about your relationship’s direction, there are more constructive ways to address the issue.

1. Have a Conversation about the Future of Your Relationship

Marriage is an important milestone that represents your commitment to each other. It tells the world that you’ve chosen your partner for a lifetime. It’s not a decision one partner should make alone, and giving a marriage deadline describes exactly such a one-sided demand.

While it’s not fair to your partner for you to demand a proposal, neither is it fair to you for your partner to refuse to discuss your future. Create a dialogue about the future of your relationship. Share your feelings using “I” statements to express your readiness and why marriage matters to you. Talk about what you want your future to look like together. Ask about their perspective to understand your partner’s thoughts and hesitations about marriage. Explore mutual goals and discuss what marriage represents for both of you and whether your visions align. The point is to have an open and honest conversation that clearly states your intentions to each other so you both know where your relationship is headed.

2. Clarify Expectations and Timelines

Maybe you both agree that your relationship is headed for marriage, but you haven’t said exactly when. It’s just as important to talk about your timeline expectations with your partner. Don’t make an ultimatum to suit your own timeline, but be upfront about your needs and boundaries while respecting theirs. You can let your partner know your life goals and plans: for example, wanting to get married by a certain age so you can start planning for a family. This also means allowing your partner to share their timeline, such as wanting to wait a year for the next-level promotion so they are more financially stable and able to take on housing or child-rearing commitments. Sharing your expectations and discussing your timelines makes both parties feel heard and part of the decision-making process instead of feeling cornered.

3. Focus on the Bigger Picture

Marriage isn’t just about the wedding celebration; it’s about shared values and long-term commitment. It’s not something you should rush into. Take this time to look at the bigger picture and evaluate whether your life goals, values, and relationship priorities are compatible. Instead of of fretting over the lack of a ring, invest your time into building a strong foundation of communication, trust, and problem-solving skills, which are essential for a successful marriage. Make the effort to actually be ready for the marriage you’re desperately longing for.

4. Respect Boundaries and Prepare for Any Outcome

If your partner ultimately doesn’t want the same things you do, respect their decision—and your own. If you try to initiate conversation about the future but meet hesitancy, avoidance, or defensiveness, it may be a sign that your partner doesn’t want the same things you do. Even talking about the future doesn’t necessarily mean that they’re seriously committed to marriage if they don’t actually take action toward building that future. Be prepared to walk away if your core values and goals aren’t aligned.

Issuing a marriage ultimatum may seem like a direct way to address commitment concerns, but it often creates more problems than it solves. Instead of pressuring your partner, focus on open communication, clarify your expectations, and respect each other’s boundaries so that you can make decisions about your future together. After all, deciding to get married is just the first in a long line of joint decisions you’ll work out together once you make that commitment for life.

Credits: Feature image from Erlina and Bryan’s Cosy Garden Wedding at Siri House by Mavericks Wedding

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