Singaporebrides | Relationships

September 2024

How To Manage Mismatched Sex Drives In Newly-Wedded Couples

By Michelle Tay

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With a better understanding of communication strategies and realistic expectations, couples can learn to foster a deeper emotional connection and ensure that their intimate life evolves in a way that is satisfying for both partners.

In the early stages of marriage, newly-wedded couples often navigate a range of adjustments, one of which can be the alignment of their sexual desires. Mismatched libidos, where one partner has a higher or lower sex drive than the other, is a common issue that many couples face but seldom discuss openly. This disparity in sexual desire can create feelings of frustration, inadequacy, or confusion, potentially straining the relationship if not addressed with understanding and care.

Sexual psycho-education can play a vital role in helping couples manage these differences effectively. By providing a better understanding of sexual health, communication strategies, and realistic expectations, sexual psycho-education empowers couples to approach their differing libidos with empathy rather than conflict. Through this process, couples can learn to foster a deeper emotional connection, ensuring that their intimate life evolves in a way that is satisfying for both partners. Krish Phua, Intimacy and Sexual Wellness Therapist representing Underneath The Moon, shares a story of how one newly-married couple bravely journeyed together and recalibrated their libidos.

Doubt and Desire

Krish: I had a client who sought my help with such a situation. Mrs ML (early 30s) and Mr ML (early 40s), were a loving, happy newly-wedded couple with plans to start a family. However, their sexual intimacy faded within six months, leaving Mrs ML feeling confused, frustrated, insecure, and questioning her own attractiveness in sexuality.

As an Intimacy and Sexual Wellness Therapist, this is a common challenge I see often for couples. The key to reigniting the passion is to understand the root cause. Normally, this begins with understanding the complexities of the situation, which is to explore the following three factors:

• Biological factors: Medical history, lifestyle habits, and nutrition were considered to rule out any underlying physical issues
• Psychological factors: Signs of depression, anxiety, stress, or past traumas that might be impacting intimacy. Emotional and cognitive patterns and expression were also evaluated
• Social factors: Relationship dynamics, family and friend support structures, and cultural influences were examined. Effective communication and conflict resolution skills were also assessed

The initial findings can help identify several areas for improvement, particularly in how the couple communicates and expresses their emotions, needs, and expectations. However, I was not able to pinpoint the exact cause of the decreased sexual intimacy. So, I began therapy with them to understand their issues and concerns both as a couple and individually.

Mrs ML: Am I Slutty?

Krish: In an individual therapy with Mrs ML, a deep sense of self-doubt surfaced. She recounted instances where her husband rejected her requests to “Please touch me” for physical intimacy.

Tears welled up in Mrs ML eyes as she whispered, “Well… I guess… I’m no longer attractive to him.” Her softly spoken sounded like thunder across the room, signifying the damage done to her self-esteem.

Mrs ML then asked, “Am I slutty?” I gently yet firmly replied to her that “the opposite of death is desire”, as American playwright and screenwriter Tennessee Williams(1) stressed in his play, A Streetcar named Desire. Mrs ML instantly gained an epiphany and smiled.

From my interactions with married couples in similar situations, I noted that the higher desire partner often feels negative about this misalignment in libido, fearing they may be perceived as lusty, slutty, promiscuous, or even nymphomaniac. Such self-labelling can lead to profound feelings of guilt and shame.

Mrs ML and I spent significant time, energy, and resources addressing these negative thought patterns through sexual psycho-education, emotional expression, and positive reinforcement. Mindfulness exercises and techniques were also introduced to manage anxiety and stress.

Mr ML: I’m Not Ready

Krish: Mr ML’s individual session revealed a different story. When asked about Mrs ML’s potential feelings regarding his intimacy rejections, he struggled to articulate them. It became clear they were grappling with mismatched libido.

However, after ruling out biological and social factors, the true reason emerged. Mr. ML finally said, “I’m not ready.” Mr ML, who was approaching his mid-40s, harboured anxieties about fatherhood and job security. These concerns, left unexpressed, led him to withdraw emotionally and physically, sometimes resorting to sleeping separately.

Mr ML was in deep thought as I explained the importance of regular sexual intimacy with his wife as a marriage is made of two essential components, Companionship and Eroticism. I shared that this is the only legitimate relationship in our lives that permits such an exchange of physical touch, underscoring the unique and vital role of sexual intimacy in a marriage.

Rekindle the Flame

Krish: Communication proved to be the missing link. As such, we practiced active listening, expressing appreciation, using “I” statements, and exploring “What if… ?” scenarios to address their anxieties, which is about optimistic interpretation based on a trusted relationship.

Sexual psycho-education played a crucial role too. We differentiated between intimacy and sexuality, emphasising that intimacy encompasses emotional closeness and trust, while sexuality involves physical aspects. This broadened their understanding of physical intimacy.

I also shared author Cyndi Darnell(2)’s insight: “We haven’t been taught as a culture about sex without a goal.” This perspective helped the couple view physical intimacy in a broader context, reducing the pressure and stress related to family planning.

Thus, for the rest of the therapy sessions with me, the couple embarked on self-discovery and acceptance of each other. I guided them on Sensate Focus, a therapeutic technique to help couples enhance their trust, communication, sexual relationship, intimacy and pleasure. They were also taught on how to stay present and attuned to each other during intimate moments through mindfulness exercises.

In our final scheduled therapy session, Mr ML, with great excitement, told me, “I’m ready!” while Mrs ML’s eyes sparkled with tears of happiness!

Remember, open communication, addressing underlying concerns, and exploring different ways to connect can reignite the spark in your relationship. Don’t hesitate to seek professional help if you find yourselves navigating the complexities of mismatched libido.

Tips for Navigating Mismatched Libido

1. Choose a calm and private moment when both of you are ready and willing to have a candid and constructive dialogue
   
   Open and deep communication is essential for addressing any concerns in a relationship. Use “I” statements to express your feelings in a non-blaming way. For example, “I’ve been feeling self-doubt recently because our physical intimacy has decreased significantly. It makes me worry that I’m no longer sexually attractive to you. Can we explore this together? I’d love to understand how you feel.” Remember that you are approaching the issue as a team, aiming to strengthen your connection rather than placing blame.


2. Recognise that mismatched libido is a common issue and does not reflect negatively on either partner
   
   Understand that the dynamics of a relationship often evolve after the honeymoon phase. Intimacy and sexual connection can be affected by emotional stress, physical fatigue, lifestyle changes, work demands, life challenges, and new responsibilities, among other factors.


3. Reflect on your own feelings and desires, and identify any specific unmet needs or concerns
   
   Encourage open and honest dialogue with your partner. Cultivate self-awareness by understanding your own emotions, feelings, needs, and any changes in your relationship dynamics. Educate yourselves about sexual health and wellness through reputable sources or workshops that can provide both insight and practical recommendations.


4. Focus on nurturing emotional intimacy and closeness, which often paves the way for a stronger sexual connection and exchange
   
   Regularly share your thoughts, feelings, and experiences with each other. Schedule regular, dedicated time for connection, whether it is through physical touch, sensual massage, a romantic date night, or simply spending quality time together without distractions. Learn about the natural ebbs and flows of sexual desire in long-term relationships. Understand that fluctuations are normal in reducing unnecessary worry and pressure.


5. A qualified Intimacy and Sexual Wellness Therapist can provide tailored strategies and practices to address your specific concerns

Krish Phua is a registered Counsellor, Psychotherapist, and certified Clinical Supervisor, specialising in Trauma, Addiction, Mental Health, Gender and Sexuality, Couple and Family Therapy. With over 10 years of experience in various settings, Krish provides therapy for individuals, couples, families, and groups. He also offers crisis management, intervention, and psychosocial support to marginalised communities. Krish holds a Master’s degree in Social Science (Professional Counselling). He is also an adjunct faculty/lecturer and a trainer in some educational institutions for adult learners. He is fluent in English, Chinese, and Cantonese.

Note:
This article is designed for general readers, so the case conceptualisation, intervention strategies, and discussions have been simplified for easy reading, comprehension, and relevance. Additionally, the profiles, backgrounds, and demographics of the individuals mentioned have been modified to protect their identities.

References:
(1)A Streetcar Named Desire: Summary and Analysis Scene 9
(2)The Truth About Mismatched Libido and Desire With Cyndi Darnell

Feature image: Photo by Jessika Arraes

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