Singaporebrides | Weddings 101

June 2016

10 Questions You Need To Ask Each Other Before You Get Married

It’s easy to get carried away with the excitement of a wedding and neglect talking about the more important issues concerning your marriage and future. But here are 10 questions you should ask before you take the plunge.

Many couples do not have the habit of sitting down with their partners and asking the difficult questions that can help build the foundation for a stable marriage before their wedding and risk a chance of being disappointed in each other and their marriage when their expectations do not match their reality. Questions like “What if we can’t conceive in the usual way?” or “Is sex important to you?” are awkward and uncomfortable to talk about but discussing them before you say “I do” allows you to understand your partner’s thoughts on the matter and gives you time to work these issues out or decide if these are deal-breakers for either of you. No clue where to start or what to say? Here is a list of 10 questions we’ve put together that you need to ask your partner before your wedding day.

1. How do you usually resolve conflicts?

Many people deal with conflicts in a different way and it is important for couples to acknowledge and understand their partner’s way of managing conflicts. Some trash it out while others prefer to discuss the issue calmly or mull over the problem overnight before discussing it the next day.

If you and your partner have similar methods of resolving conflicts, then you have nothing to worry about or to work out. However, if you both have a different approach to resolving conflicts, then you’ll have to come up with a mutual agreement or way to deal with conflicts.

2. Do you want children and how many do you want?

10 Questions You Need To Ask Before Your WeddingTo Love and To Cherish by Multifolds Productions

Starting a family is an important aspect in any marriage and it is crucial for couples to talk about their expectations regarding children. Ask yourselves if you want children? If yes, when and how many do you plan to have? It is vital to discuss your plans for children before your wedding because for some, the intention of having or not having children is a deal breaker.

If both of you want children, discussing when and how many children you plan on having will help you prepare mentally and financially for a baby. At the same time, you can also discuss about your roles as parents and in child care.

3. What if we can’t conceive in the usual way?

With more couples getting married at a later age and workplace stress climbing, cases of infertility is steadily increasing over the years. Couples who want children should discuss the issue of infertility and alternative ways of conceiving before getting married, in the event it happens to them, as the financial and emotional toll of being unable to conceive naturally may affect your marriage, especially if you require fertility treatments in the long run. And what if the fertility treatments don’t work? Are you both open to adoption? Discuss these issues with your partner ahead of time so you won’t be caught off guard and helpless if it does happen to you.

4. How will we celebrate holidays/occasions with our families?

Intimate Solemnisation at The White Rabbit 45Daphne and Jonathan’s Intimate Solemnisation at The White Rabbit by Tinydot Photography

Coming up with a schedule for celebrating holidays and occasions with your families is necessary, especially for couples whose families have a tradition of celebrating festivities such as Chinese New Year or Christmas together. Do you spend the first day of Chinese New Year with his family and relatives as Chinese tradition dictates, and visit your family on the second day? Or do you spend half the day with his family and half with yours? What about Mother’s and Father’s Day? For one-day festivities, you might want to celebrate in advance if you’re required to do so with both families.

5. Do we have similar financial goals in mind?

As a family unit, you should be working towards a similar financial goal together. That means no more impulse spending or splurging on luxury goods on a whim for either of you unless you’ve met your savings goals or for a special occasion. Set a mutually agreeable savings amount for yourselves monthly or yearly and discuss if you want to deposit your savings in a joint account. Consider if you want other joint accounts for your travels or household expenses as well, and talk about how much you are each expected to contribute. Discussing all these financial issues with your partner before you say “I do” will help mitigate any potential misunderstandings and conflicts about your financial obligations in the future.

6. What if we don’t like each other’s parents?

Bernie and Samuel's Pastel Travel Themed Wedding Singapore 81Bernie and Samuel’s Pastel Travel Themed Wedding at The Fullerton Hotel by Antelope Studios

It’ll be great if you could get along with each other’s parents – after all, a harmonious in-law relationship is the dream of all married couples. But, if you don’t, that’s alright too. Just be honest and open with your partner about what you dislike about your in-laws in a factual and respectful manner, and discuss ways to deal with your dislike when you’re in the presence of your in-laws. However, despite your dislike, you should never treat them rudely or with disrespect.

7. How important is sex to you?

For some, the topic of sex remains an awkward subject to broach and is rarely discussed or touched upon. But couples should and need to talk openly about sex with one another – particularly, what sex means to them, how important sex is to them and the relationship, and how much sex they expect and want from their partner.

Rarely do you have two people’s libidos match each other’s perfectly, so its essential to have an open discussion with your partner about your thoughts on sex and the part it plays in your relationship. For some, a healthy relationship is made up of both mental and physical attraction, and the absence of either component may result in the breakdown of the relationship. For some, the act of sex is a way of expressing their affections and a demonstration of love. For others, sex plays a less important part in their lives and relationship and is merely an act of procreation. Figuring out which category you and your partner fall into will help you understand and meet each other’s needs better.

8. What is considered cheating to you?

Everyone has different measurements of what is considered as cheating, so it is vital that you discuss it with your partner before your wedding to prevent future misunderstandings. Is flirting considered cheating? Or is having the thought of finding someone else attractive cheating? Again, you’ll need to talk about what constitutes as flirting and when flirting is acceptable.

9. Are you aware of the ways I say “I love you”?

Hort Park Wedding Singapore 2Linh and Yong Xi’s Lavender-Filled Hort Park Wedding by Smittenpixels Photography

It is important to recognise and acknowledge each other’s love language for a happy marriage. First introduced in Gary Chapman’s book, The Five Love Languages, love language refers to the way an individual expresses their love. The book is based on the theory that each of us expresses our love in one or more of these five ways: words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service or physical touch. How you express love is also how you expect to be shown love.

It is likely that you’re aware of your own love language and if you thought hard enough about what your partner does for you, you’ll probably be able to figure out what his love language is. Or, ditch the guesswork and discuss openly with your partner about what your love language is and ask him about his, so both of you are aware of how you expect to be loved. It’s awesome if you share a similar love language, but if you don’t, you might need to work out a way to meet each other’s needs through any of these five love languages.

10. Are you all in?

A happy and successful marriage requires the effort and commitment of both parties. You can’t just walk away from the relationship over an argument like before. You have to work through it and find a common ground for both of you. You must also be willing to work towards a common goal and be willing to make necessary sacrifices for your family. It is also about working through difficult times such as unemployment or fertility issues as a couple and not pointing fingers or throwing in the towel when things get difficult.

Have you and your partner discussed any of these questions before the wedding? If you haven’t, it’s still not to late to talk about them. What other questions or issues do you think couples should discuss before tying the knot?

Credit: Feature Image from Sophia and Darren’s Breathtaking Pre-Wedding Photoshoot in Morocco by AndroidsinBoots.