Singaporebrides | Real Weddings
September 2012
8 Tips for Peaceful Arguments
Weddings are happy occasions and a time of great joy – most of the time. But a wedding can easily bring distress to a bride during her wedding planning, especially if she and her groom cannot come to a mutual agreement regarding the demanding requests from their families. Tensed discussions will follow and may even escalate into arguments where familial loyalties are being questioned and put to the test. If this sounds like what you’re going through, understand that these arguments are part and parcel of any bride’s wedding planning.
Arguments are as common an occurrence as the sun rising in the morning and setting in the evening. Having one is not indicative that things are bad or irreparable between you and your groom-to-be, even though you can’t remember the last time you two were involved in an ugly fight such as the one you’re having now about seating plans. Arguments don’t always have to result in a negative outcome. How you approach an argument and your mentality determines if the outcome is a positive or a negative one. To help you achieve a positive outcome from any argument, SingaporeBrides has compiled eight tips that will steer brides in the right direction.
Tip #1 :Always Speak With Love
Arguments may not always be a bad thing; it can also have a positive impact on your relationship as both you and your groom-to-be learn to compromise and recognise what makes the other half tick. That doesn’t mean you have to hurl vulgarities or say hurtful things during your arguments. Feeling sorry about saying those things after the fact doesn’t make it okay either. What has been said cannot be taken back at a later time regardless of how sorry you are.
Instead, speak with love even as you are in a fight with your groom-to-be. How upset you were during the fight does not excuse you from the hurtful and derogatory things you said. Whenever you have an argument with your other half, you should strive to remind him that while you’re angry, you still love them; saying those things aren’t exactly the way to go about it.
Tip #2: Language
What you say in the heat of the moment can affect how your partner reacts to the discussion. If you use profanities during your argument, your groom-to-be is going to react in a defensive manner. The same goes for pointing language – language that is specifically directed at another person. When you use pointing language such as “You should have” or “You always”, your groom-to-be will be on the defensive and might tune out on what is being said intuitively.
Here’s how you can avoid that. Use phrases such as “In my experience” or “I feel” to express how you feel about the problem, rather than pointing out what you felt he did wrong. This ensures that he will be less defensive and is actually listening to what is being said.
Tip #3: The Right Time
As far as you’re concerned, there is a right time for him to get down on one knee and propose to you. And as far as he’s concerned, there is a right time for discussing your wedding planning details. Asking him why he didn’t have an opinion on the colour theme for your big day the moment he steps through the door is hardly the right time. No one likes to be questioned or have an argument dropped down no them before they even have a chance to wind down from work or when they’re exhausted.
Bringing up a problem during your groom-to-be’s “me time” is a bad idea as well. Not only will you not get his full attention, intruding on his two hours of personal time is rude and he’ll be more likely to be annoyed even before a fight begins. Again, imagine if he wants to discuss seating plans with you while you’re practicing yoga at home – can you see yourself getting annoyed at him for doing that? Both you and your groom-to-be are entitled to your own “me time” and that time should be used to do things both of you enjoy.
If the problem doesn’t threaten your relationship, then you can probably leave it until the next day to discuss it at a time where you’re both relaxed and available. Besides, being relaxed will ensure both of you will be in a better frame of mind to discuss any problem.
Tip #4: A Course of Action
So, you’ve picked the right time to talk about his family’s unreasonably long guest list and you’re both calmly talking things through without using swear words on each other. Mission accomplished, right? Not quite. Having a discussion or argument without concluding with a course of action to rectify the problem is pointless. If there is no course of action to take, the problem will never be resolved and all you’d be doing is rehashing it every time the thorn pricks you hard in the side.
Tip #5: Ditch the Threats
Do you notice yourself having a habit of arm-twisting your groom-to-be into giving in to you to get what you want? If so, kick that habit right away before your threats escalate to the point of calling the wedding off just to get your way. Threats should never be used as argument tactics, especially those that use a person’s love as a bargaining chip. Instead of resorting to threats when you don’t get the results you hoped for, pen down a list of points you’d like to get across and what you hope to achieve before having the discussion. This helps keep you level-headed and focused on the points you want to talk about and serves as a reminder of the outcome you initially hoped to achieve when you get carried away in the heat of the moment.
Tip #6: Time Out
If the discussion or argument is not going anywhere, then call it a night. There is no point carrying on when neither of you can find a solution to the problem. But that doesn’t mean you end the discussion with a “You know what, forget it” or a “Never mind, forget that I ever brought this up” – both of you know this isn’t over, so there is no need to pretend it is. If you really need to, phone a girl friend up and vent, but make sure you are complaining about the problem and not your man. Instead, agree to sleep on the problem and what was said during the discussion and continue the next day.
Tip #7: It’s Not About Winning
Whenever you have an argument, you’ll either be the person who gets your way – in other words, the “winner” – or the person who has to give in – the “loser”. An argument where you have a “winner” and a “loser” is not a mutually beneficial one and that’s not the kind of arguments brides should aim to have. Instead, you should aim to achieve a win-win situation whenever you find yourself in an argument. For that to happen, a compromise from both parties is required and consideration of each other’s desires and opinions need to be taken into account. Encourage thoughts such as “How can we solve this so that we will both be happy?” and not “How can I make him give in to my demands?”. Remember, even though you’re having an argument, you should strive to work with one another rather than against each other.
Tip #8: Sorry is the Hardest Word
One of the very first things we teach a young child is to apologise when they’ve made a mistake or have done something wrong. Yet as adults, we sometimes find it difficult to say “Sorry” even though we’re in the wrong. If you’ve been guilty of this behaviour, it’s about time you make an effort to kick this bad habit for good. Acknowledging that you’ve made a mistake and apologising for it is important because it shows your groom-to-be your ability to reflect on your mistakes and take responsibility.
Don’t assume the worse of your relationship just because you and your groom-to-be are having an argument during your wedding planning. Armed with these eight tips, wedding-planning-induced arguments will no longer put a damper on your happy occasion. In fact, with these tips, you’ll know how to achieve a positive outcome with any argument you might have in the future with your groom-to-be or anyone else, so don’t chuck them away after your wedding’s over!
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