Why is it so difficult to leave a relationship

S

sad_09

New Member
My friends always have the impression that I am very independent ,practical and happy go lucky. They always seek advices from me and likes to share their happiness and problems with me.But that was before marriage. Marriage changed me totally. I went into depression, can't find energy to keep in touch with friends. Besides work , I can't get myself to do anything. Everytime I see a newly wed couple, my heart broke. I am married for 3 yrs but I never had the chance to enjoy like a newly wed. Me and my husband are just two stranger under a roof. He is a sober, once he drinks , he is lost in his own world. The house will be in a mess coz he will put a pail beside him and urinate there (ours is a 3 rm flat...toilet is not that far). He will walk around the house naked.He will not bath for a week and throw things around.He treat me like a furniture.
If he don't drink, he will complain about his work and colleagues whole day long. He make me sit in front of him and make sure I do not do anything except listen to his complain. If I walk away, he will throw his anger on me by verbally abuse me and follow by a week of cold turkey. For 3 yrs we only had sex once and its an unsuccessful one (I think he couldn't do it due to alcohol).
I felt like I am going to be mad. I am afraid of going back to our house to face him. But I can't go anywhere else as I have no family support.
Recently I planned to file a divorce but I started to confuse myself by asking myself is it so serious that we must divorce. I got lots of fear too. Fear of lonely, fear of having to find logging on my own.
One part of me want a divorce , another part of me still hope that our marriage can be save. Am I insane???
 


Save the marriage for what?
What kind of future do you want with a man like this? Wake up and leave asap!
 
i oso know that... thats y i think i got mental problem... dunno y i lack of courage... or am i a sadist
 
my brother getting married in Jan, I don't know how my parent can take it especially when my relatives start to gossip.
I m still hoping he might change....
 
cheers up! start pick up a new life and go out with friends to chill out. this world still hav a lot of things to fullfill you.
 
sad: no family support? Are u sure your parents will not be feeling heartpain that their daughter is suffering in this way? Dun let your assumptions ruining your life, you live for yourself and not for others. You have to help yourself before others can help you.
 
after several fights with my husband and i started to have depression, I went back home to seek help. All I get was mom telling me that I chose this guy myself , I should not complain and she emphasize that I must not bring shame to the family especially neighbours around us are watching.(I stayed the same block as mom) My dad just kept quiet. since
 
You are fearing gosships. Do you want to live a life in suffering to fear gosships?

Time to start thinking and weighing your odds lady. You live only once. Clearly, you are not happy? Do you want to spend more yrs this way??
 
sad: We mus understand that there is a lapse of generations and thus we will be facing differences in our mentality in handlings such issues. What do you want in your life? Do you want to carry on behaving in this way and/or having such lifestyles? Btw, do you happen to know of his drinking habits before marriage?
 
Guess you are afraid, becoz you don't know alot of things....
- You don't know what your/his parents might react
- You don't know what will your friends think if they come to know about it
- You don't know what will happen to him
- You don't know what will happen to yourself

I believe you heard of this book called "Who moved my cheese?". By not doing anything won't change your situation. Even if you hope that he could change for the better, something have to take place first before he could change.

You are afraid of taking chances, as you afraid of making wrong choices. However, staying put in the current situation ain't a clever choice either.

Trying not to do all the thinking by yourself, sometimes your parents might be the ones pulling out from this living hell. Find a good time to talk to them, maybe you will know what to do next......
 
I felt that you should live for others.. Fight for what you deserve.. you have the rights to leave such life.

You know what, bf / husband you still have options to choose to live or to leave. Certain things in life, you just have no option. And you are lucky.. lucky enough that there's isn't any physical abuse.
 
Hi Sad..i think if u can still write proper eng in this forum..u are not having mental problem.. so stop scarring urself..

there's always 2 choices in life/relationship..either u stay or u leave..

i know it's not easy for woman to get divorce coz it's not like guys also..divorce woman are always been gossip issue etc..but guys they can still find new woman..so i know ur concern..

but i think if ur husband is not going to change his attitude..and its going to affect u that much..i think more or less u will have a breakdown soon??

have u both really talked?
 
No I don't know he is a sober. He is a nice guy when we date. But its all angel and demon the same person... all of you so encouraging ... i needed such support... alone can think too much and the depression make me unsound
 
Hi Sad but what are ur friends and family doing also?? didnt they notice that u are being depressed?? or u need to see consellor??

but i once read an email..if the guy can change..he has already changed long time ago..correct??

i think at this rate u better talk 2 ur friends or family or ur hubby..if not u keep like tat thinking..will get worst..
 
Ask yourself.. what you want in your life.. and what you see in your current HB. Can he provide with the life you are seeking for?

What if there’s one day he became violent? You will never know what he will do to you since he is intoxicated. Do you want such to happen to you and go through what my SIL had gone through? Beaten up twice at least by my bro and ended up in hospital? Scary enough right… the fear not only on her... the impact is on the entire family, including our parents and their kids.

Hope you will be able to stand up for yourself and will not go through the same with what my SIL had.
 
Agree with what Adrian said.

Adding one point. Every decision comes with a price. You are afraid of the price of uncertainty but blind to the cost of certain failure in your marriage and waste of youth.

Your time is more precious than you realize. Once gone, u will never recover that. Start quantifying your time. Make it count for something and you will realize how much you are wasting away doing nothing about this useless marriage.
 
sad,

i'm wondering if u are as drunk as him... cos both of u are not sober. dun know how the marriage happened but was probably another drunker affair?

but enough of that, u are just as deserving as anyone of a Life filled with happiness and goodness... at the present moment, it's something tat has almost zero chance. u're obviously not the one he loves enough to change, neither is he the one to make u happy... basically both of u are a horrible match... no reason to be together at all... but somehow both of u are too lazy and too used to having each other around...

the way i look at it, both of u are together to just be roommates/housemates... u can stay married for the convenience of having a house and to avoid rumours... but i hope u can start dating again... cos it's better to die happy, than to die with everyone saying how upright your life is...

honestly, i never give a sh!t to whether pple think i'm right or not... as long as i'm happier, i'm healthier, i'm wealthier, and i have less problems than the average sporean...

it's common for pple who live more fcuked-up lives... to attempt to 'teach' u how to live your life.
 
sad,
r u insane? i think not, else u won't be posting here about this seeking help.
r u masochist? unlikely, else u might be enjoying all his "torture" instead of feeling down like u do now.
do u have depression? if u suspect u do, GO N SEE A DOCTOR, clinical depression CAN be treated.
Dunno why but u lack courage? honestly, if u don't have enough courage to leave something even half-good, then yes, i can understand. The chances of getting something worse is still there, but chances of getting something better is likely higher in your situation. U know the high-low card game? U're staring at a number 3 now, wouldn't u think most will guess a "higher"? Of coz can be darn suay and kena a number 2, but shouldn't need to much courage to take that chance right?
 
sad..
It is always tough to make the first move. i guess it isn't a case of you being mental or masochistic, more of the fear of the unknown and sometimes, we are so afraid of breaking out of the comfort zone although in your case, it does seemed like there really isn't any reason why you shouldn't be taking actions to make your life better. Do it for yourself and ignore how others may view you..it is afterall your own life.
 
why care about what people will say. this is your life. ask yourself, u want a brand new life or this shit life!!! i believe you are a grown up adult to judge what is the correct decision.
be brave... jiayu oh!
 
hmm.. if u really care so much about what the neighbours r talking.. they probably are already talking about it.

staying in the same block, every now and then when hes drunk, the throwing things, the quarrelling, everything can be heard by your neighbours and parents in the same block..

maybe when the news of D comes out, your neighbours might come over and tell you "im glad you finally made the choice, i can feel the pain when your ex-hb do crazy things whenever hes drunk, its a good riddance"
 
We live for ourselves and not so much for others.
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Sad: It is neber an easy thing to leave a r/s, what's more a marriage. Moreover, he is the person we used to love before in one way or another, but like what we mentioned here, we only live once and thus, we should live our lives to the fullest ya.
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