What should i do now?

M

myjunior

New Member
Dear All,
i am in a fix. Now.
i am a divorcee with no kids from my previous marriage. i know my current bf for a year+ now. Our relationship initially is ok but gradually become lukewarm. I don't really love him that much. i don't know what happened. but apparently, my feelings for him didn't grow as we progress. He is good and kind to me.
I was infact about to cool down this relationship when I found out that i m 3wks pregnant. This is unplanned for. I know the baby is innocent, that's why i choose to keep it.
Becoz of the pregnancy, i moved in to stay with him. during the stay, i get to know his mum better, and i begin to notice she is a difficult person to live with.
it's my baby that is keeping me going now. but my conscious is eating into me everyday that i don't really love by bf & it is difficult for me to say yes when he proposes marriage. I told him that we should concentrate on the baby, marriage we talk later. i know it's only an excuse, becoz i am really not thinking about marrying him.
i did talked to him about my feelings for him. but he really cant do anythg much. i told him that his action is not manly. his conversation topic is boring. Most importantly, he fail to tickle my attention on him. i know i cant change him.
it has been 2month since. What should i do now? i am in my mid 30s & he is 10yrs my senior.
 


leave. if u can take care of the baby on ur own...
of course, ur bf can choose not to give up his role as the father...
just that papa and mama dun hv to be in love and stay together in one place...
u dun hv to marry the father of ur child... it doesn't guarantee ur happiness...
 
why not share custody of the kid. You guys can take care of the kid without being a couple.
 
or you can marry him and learn to love him. i know, radical idea and not very fashionable... but it is one option.
 
it depends on what you really want really... Think long term:
Can you see yourself living with him for many many years? Will you be able to or have to put up with his mother or family if they are really difficult?

Importantly, if you can do all the above? Will you be happy? Or will you be miserable for the rest of your life...

If you can't do the above then consider what do you want for your child as well. Single parent joint custody?
 
dear junkie:
my bf luv me and our bb. i don't hv the heart to walk out without giving him a chance.

Dear Who?me?:
am trying my best to create some sparks. but so far it's stagnant.

Dear Milo & A_S_O:
his mum is vry terriorial & possession ovr her own space and tats wat convince me tat marriage is a no-no.
I havn't see myself with him for many many yrs. i only c myself with my bb forevr.

till now, i will wait n see. without the marriage, i think it would be easier for me 'to go' incase i cant tolerate his mum.
i know my life is abit unorthodox *sign*
 
ok myjunior, u hv 2 major problm here:

1) u dun hv enuff luv for ur bf
2) u can't stand his mom

prob 1 - can consider the option by tomasulu since u dun hv the heart to hurt him...

prob 2 - see whether there's a possibility for u to move out of her territory after marriage...

just remember one thing, dun try to please others at the expense of ur own happiness... i wish u luck.
 
There is no hurry to get married since you have decided to keep the baby regardless of whether there is a marriage.

The baby is an accident but don't make your marriage an accidental one too because it is after all, a relationship of choice. You still have a choice and make a wise instead of a convenient choice.
 
u need to fully consider the implications and repercussions involved here... right upto now, it's been abt your emotions and feelings and little else. u dun seem to know exactly why u're keeping the baby other than the responsibility society expects of u, or what most expect of u.

u gotta go deeper into this whole thing, and look further - as in, u try to visualize the future based on all the info u have Now. will u regret marrying him? will u develop contempt for the baby? will u quarrel with his mum and do something in the heat of the moment?

take everything u know abt yourself, everything u know abt him and everything u think will happen with the baby. Dun assume u'll naturally develop love for the baby, and dun assume all will be fine.

the age disparity might be an issue u wanna explore... he is young and may not know what he wants now. just becos he wants something does not make him very aware of what he really wants...

check out tax laws and legilation governing children out of wedlock. he can be the father, u can be the mother, without any registry of marriage, but u'll lose out on certain entitlements.

wish u all the best.
 
The baby is your only motivation now... how hard it might turn out for you in the long run? Marriage is not just a one or two day thingy. You may hurt him now, but if you tried and still can't make it, you will still hurt him eventually, isn't it? Which is better; short or long term pain?
 
me? i think it is fair to say you have landed yourself in a less than ideal situation. i suggested what i did only because i am unsure which is harder: to raise the child on your own or to find a partner who meet your stringent criteria. i don't know how to put this across delicately so lets just say there isn't a huge dating market for a 30-something pregnant divorcee. your guy's faults are not deal-breakers in my opinion... and you guys can always move out on your own.
 
dear all,
it's spot on for Junkie's comment.
the house belongs to my bf. his mum is staying with him, the reason according to him is that she wants to take care of him, that why she ends up staying with him for the past 5yrs. Therefore only option is i mov out, not her. eventually if thgs turn ugly.
i know the thick and thin of marriage. because i had one before. that's why i m afraid to get hurt agn.
i m a 1st time mummy. i dont know whether will i develop comtempt for the bb. all i assume now is evrythg is rosy betw me n bb.
yes the bb is my only motivation. i m trying evryday to grow feeling with my bf. i can feel the pain if there is a marriage. the only thg tat maks me breath easier nw is we r not married.
my mum told me to kp an open mind. saying his mum is aging. she will mellow down.
as for the tax entitlement, i guess no amount of entitlement can buy me my freedom.
i have spoken to my bf yesterday on his mum action. he was like 'what do u wan me to do now?' and he sided 'family culture difference'. i understnd he cant do muc. coz i cant too if it's me.
my only guilt only is my conscience now.
 
me: care to share what did the MIL do? Hmm.. I presume that she might be feeling a little jealous and what's making things worse is how your bf reacted towards the whole saga.. he seems to be caught in the middle in one way or another. Since you have decided to do the marriage (if there is one) after the birth of your child, you might want to put the thing at the back of your mind for the time being? It is not easy being pregnant, hence it is mre impt to take care of yourself and assuring that there is no over worries, elsse, it might be rather easy for you to slip into pre-natal depression.
 
"the age disparity might be an issue u wanna explore... he is young and may not know what he wants now."

Powder, threadstarter is in her mid-30s and her bf is in his mid-40s.
 
dear little woman,
his mum n i started out very well. i stayed over his place ovr weekends. for convenience i gradually put some of my clothes at his place. all this my bf is ok with.
she is kind enough to wash the towels and my clothes, until 1 fine day, while we r waiting alone for my bf, she told me 'i m an old lady, pls understd i cant be washing your clothes and i have a problem hanging them up.'
i replied 'it is ok auntie, i know u r old, i dont expect u to wash my clothes too. do u mind if i can use your washer and do it myself instead?'.
she replied 'i dont think so as there is totally no space to hang. it's best you pack them up & tak home to wash'.
aft tat conversation, we came back from lunch and i notice my clothes packed in a plastic bag, put on the floor in the rm.
i told my bf aft much prompting from him.
gradually as i moved in, she is at it once agn last week.
i accidentally pick up my bf shirts to wash. i hang it to dry. when i m nt ard, she pk up his shirt & adjust it to the front of the rod, away from mine. yesterday she fold it away. i know it's minor. bt the action impact alot on me.
she kp telling me tat the empty rm is her daughter's rm and her daughter's bed. her daughter has mirgated overseas. it mak me start think, where my bb will be sleeping?
the stress she giv me is unfailing...
it's only 1month into me staying there...
 
I don't think you should get married.

Firstly, you are already in your mid 30s and he in his 40s and still get can accidental pregnancy? To me it is a irresponsible. I don't know but you sure you will be a responsible mother?

I say this because it is very important if you don't intend to get married and you have to look after the baby all by yourself in the worst case. You have to really love the baby because you will be stuck with the child for the next 20 years.

Are you ready for this responsibility on your own? It won't be fair to the child if you have resentment in the later years. You made a mistake of being pregnant. And you are cautious not to make a second mistake of marrying someone you don't love.
 
"the house belongs to my bf. his mum is staying with him, the reason according to him is that she wants to take care of him, that why she ends up staying with him for the past 5yrs."

He is in his mid 40s and his mum is still taking care of him? Who makes the decisions in the house is it him or his mother?

Very impt if you end up quarreling with your MIL, will he side you or his mum? I myself am having problems with my wife and my parents and I am really suffering....
 
let's get this straight to all u ladies... the mum was there first and is there til she dies... so i would think it's Rude to talk asif the mum intruded into your lives, as opposed to u intruding into theirs.

me? - all i can say is, i see NO FAULT in the mum on that clothes incident to be honest. u invaded her territory, u took her job all these years of washing the son's clothes... obviously she's gonna be defensive. taking care of her son is probably her Only sense of validation to her life now, it's her territory, it's her life... u have crossed the line with your simple but thoughtless act.

u should also note that u have turned from guest to occupant, against her wishes... or rather, u didn't give her time to 'invite' u in. u barged in. regardless of what most of u ladies think, i see this mistake repeated time and again when u simply stay with your bfrens... if they are staying with mum, then the mum is a co-owner regardless of who's paying for the place.

i'm gonna go on the limb here and suggest u abort the baby. all the thoughts u have with the baby might be nothing more than a fantasy u're acting out and everything seems great in vision for now... but for the next 20yrs, i have my worries.

i cannot guide u on this for sure, i just feel alot of women have this fantasy and dun actually wake up til a few days after the baby is born.
 
I totally agree with powder. While i expect many would be against the idea of "killing a life" becoz the baby is innocent, I think TS should only keep the baby if she's sure she knows how to raise a child

TS, u may feel that the baby is the only reason that "keeps u going" now, but pls know that with or without a baby, u still have to find a life for yourself, and a happy one.
 
Yes, bringing up a child in a broken family or leaving her/him to be brought up in an adoption centre (Hope the child gets adopted by a good family) isn't in the child's best interests as well..
 
out there, r couples who hv no children of their own and r keen to adopt... give it to one of them.
one man's "trash" is another man's treasure...
let the baby live.
 
The baby is still yours without the man and like what the others say, why not share custody of the kid without being a couple? Marriage is just a piece of paper. Why do you want to be tied down by that paper?
If you have a stable job and can afford to keep the bb, why not? It's not as though as u r a gullible teen.
You can get your own flat with your bb. Who noes things might work out better without his mum staying with you.
 
I don't agree that we give birth and then give up for adoption. You only considering the aspect of yourself giving up for adoption.. Giving up for adoption should never be a plan - but a last resort when all else fails.

I wonder if any of you have any chance to speak with an adopted child?

The child did not ask to come to this world. It is a life-long thing.. some adopted children may adapt well - others will carry this "adopted child" syndrome for their whole life - wondering why the come to this world? Why bring the child to this world when you have no intention of taking care of the child till adulthood?
 
what's wrong with abortion if the situation is not tenable? giving up for adoption is not as easy as it sounds, there's more emotions to deal with and no guarantee the baby will be in a good home...pro-life advocates think of only the life but never the living...being a single mother in sg is not that great a journey as you're not entitled to many rights and benefits accorded to the married mother...if you terminate the pregnancy, it's all over, no need to fret over the baby, the man and his mum.....poof...
 
Dear All,
i luv hvin my bb into tis world. abortion did flash across my mind, a few times. Yes, jus becoz 'thgs' r not as smooth & tat i mak me habour tis thought. i know its bad. i shouldn't think tis way.
my bf has mak his stand vry clear to me tat he only side with reasons. he has assured tat he call the shots in the hse & tat i shouldn't be so worried.
Dear powder: you hv enlighten me on the invading her territory comment. i acknowledge tat nw. washing her son's clothes is an accident. it was in d washer & i didnt notice whn i put in my clothes. aft washing, i thought it was kinda nice to c his shirt as part of the laundry and i gladly hang it to dry.
becoz of his mum's 1st comment, my bf actually allocate the entire guest rm for me to sun my clothes whn i mov in. he mak it a point to tel his mum aso. i told him i appreciate this vry muc.
i hv aso notice his mum aso like to segregate his clothes away from mine in our cabinet. eg. at 1st towels r stacked together by me. the next day i notice they r segregated with mine on the left and his on the right column. my thought is 'do we nd to split until lik tis whn we r alreli a couple?'. that really stress me out.
my next worry is confinement period. aft all these & future potential saga, i m vry mentally worried doing it at his place. i know its abit early to say, but i m so disturbed tat i cant sleep. i may talk to my mum abt hvin it at her place instead...
 
myjunior,

am glad that u're not going to abort the baby, cos it's interruption of life and no one has the right to deny another soul the opportunity to LIVE...

well, i hope u guys r able to sort things out...

take care
happy.gif
 
since you've come to a decision then it's something you'll need to make best of and live with it...

one cautionary tale is that the reason he claims to abide by is not universal...the world continues to have wars and discords simply because no two persons share the same set of rationale...to him, his mother's antics are nothing more then familiarity and reasonable while it may not be the same to you. there are many examples in forums like this on how relationships break down because of differing values and thinking...best wishes
 
"Sometimes keeping a baby can be an equally selfish and thoughtless act too." Yes, but that doesn't justify taking the life of the child.

Why are we comparing 2 evils here? No one can be perfectly ready as parents. Before thinking of abortion, think if you are capable to be a good parent. This is a question of capability here. NOT if you want to or not. We need to bear consequences in life and not selfishlessly think about ourselves only.
 
Why don't we just walk up to the next pitiful existence we come across and politely suggest the recipient commit suicide? I see old ladies earning a living collecting soda cans and I read about a young handsome doctor killing himself cos he hated his job. Who are we to decide whose existence is so pitiful that he is better off dead??
 
Milo, I don't think I have offered any form of justification in the taking of a child's life like you have suggested. Good intention may not produce the good results. I was merely pointing out that keeping an unborn baby's life, good as it may seem, cannot be automatically counted as an act of selflessness and thoughtfulness, and therefore applaudable. It really depends on circumstances.
 
TS is mature to make her own decisions. The most what she needs is just a listening ear.

Quoted by TS: "i luv hvin my bb into tis world"
Some women once become mummies will even sacrifice their life to protect their babies. Somehow feel that TS is one of them. This is the miracle of motherhood.
 
me?

1. some of the older generation believe that men and women's clothes should not be washed together until they're married. some of them believe women's clothes are 'unclean' and can bring bad luck if mixed... it's ludicrous to me and i dun really care, but it's still a point to note.

2. the baby is not really a baby yet, except in your mind and vision, and your romantic thoughts of being a mum... it's like women who dream of that perfect wedding, only difference is - having a kid is a lifelong commitment, and pls dun assume All kids are born healthy and u'll live happily ever after.

3. i bet u everyone is thinking of that cute smiling baby that makes pple go "awwwww....." But let me remind u that u better be prepared to take responsibility for every possibility tat comes with Any human forms. dun just think of the good thing, Prep yourself for the unforeseen if u wanna go ahead.
 
i think some of u are giving More Life than the egg should be getting...

wonder if u guys abstain from tamago, half-boiled eggs, fish-roe, quail's eggs etc etc... Yeah, the chick has not been formed yet, nor the fish...

i'm also pro-life, but i know when i'm being pro-life or pro-egg-tat-has-a-chance-of-developing-into-a-life.

Milo, she can choose to bear consequences of pregnancy, or consequences of abortion... both have consequence. i dun think 'selfish' is the word to use becos it's one of those Big decisions where there's no right or wrong. wat's right can be wrong in time to come, wat's wrong can be equally right.

ps: i would be against abortion once past 3mths, based on my poor math, she's coming close to tat date.
 
tomasulu,

the existence is not conscious nor developed to make any forms of decision. we should not decide to give it a Life or Name and identify it immediately as a fellow-human life and demonise any decision which one is still able to take.
 
powder, i don't want to get into a lengthy discussion on the genesis of life except to say there won't be a baby if not for the fetus.

and when you say it doesn't even deserve a name, you probably meant a decent proper name befitting a life. but fish roe is a-ok.
 
there will likely not be a foetus if there was a condom, if used. There are issues of responsibility here. Life doesn't just stop when the baby arrives, and if the sense of responsibility in various aspects are missing, then "life" thereafter may not be what life should be.
 
tomasulu,

i didn't say that it doesn't deserve a name... notice how u use the word "it"?

to humanise it so far forward to a life would be to place guilt on the living and pressure them into realizing the life itself. when life is not consciously living a life yet. choice can still be made.

i'm not an advocate of abortion and what i say varies with each circumstance and unique situation. i'm not pro-anything to be honest... i think for such matters, we can never be pro-anything becos that makes us immediately jump in to make a stance, without needing to understand the case.
 
The bb is innocent. Many people want a bb and yet they can't conceive, while others just abort. I do understand the reasons behind wanting to do away with the bb due to the numerous unfortunate situations, but why can't you give the bb up for adoption? Is it better to kill, than to let live? It's such an easy way to solve a problem to just abort, and live your own life. But then, you'll find yourself ending up with more issues in life because you choose the so-called simpler way to escape from your real issue.

TS: Hope that you think through carefully.
 
a foetus is not a baby, it is merely a group of cells programmed to eventually form a baby but at that point in time, it is not yet a baby, scientifically speaking, it's a growth. pro-lifers then to over-moralise....
 
dear all,
Thank you everyone for your kind concern and advices. We acknowledge the responsibility of hvin tis bb. my bf has nvr once waver on tis.
i hv told him yesterday abt my flash thoughts. he was shocked but he commented tat i think too muc.
my main worry is abt lifestyle aft bb is born. i forsee myself shuttering betw my mum hse n his hse, juz becoz i feel tat his hse is nt conducive enough 4 me n bb. there may b diff expectatn on care and teaching of d bb. why i can com to such conclusion & worry is the mum's character. i think i will put him in a diff position agn.
while i m trying hard to build a gd relationship with my bf, ironically all these worries r preventing me to progress.
all these situation r so real tat is giving me stress as time passs...
nw as bb is growing inside me, there is an overwhelming feeling to protect tis bb frm 'harm' too. my life will involve bb, me & him. this will clash directly with his mum. given nw i alreli cant tolerate the lifestyle she try to impose on me.
i acknowledge tat is her territory... i m a woman aso. i got tat same instinct as her. i know i will react in the worst manner esp aft d bb is born. it's lik a disaster waiting to happen.
i know i been thinking too muc n too early...
 
hi myjunior, guess compromises must be made for the sake of peace... why not move back to where u came from? ur bf can visit and spend time wif u without the worries of offending his mom... actually, i find it a bad idea to move into his place just becos u're carrying his child :P
 
me: not sure how traditional his mum is; but at times, some elders have the thinkings that they will prefer to wash the guys' clothes separately? Could it be like this in your case too? In any case, you love the BB like what you claimed, in that case, do not have the abortion thots again, it is never right for a innocent baby to take any responsibility of what you had done and caused out of accidents. Did you have any good "r/s" with his mother in the 1st place? As in any contacts during the whole of this 1-year?
 

TS not thinking of abortion, i was the one who brought it up as an option.

all these 'the baby is innocent' talk and 'giving up for adoption' thought are often said without a deeper sense of exploration into the myriad of emotions that accompanies it, for a lifetime... so i'll merely point that out and leave it as that.

it's a foetus, then a baby, and innocent yes... but innocence should not be a reason in itself. it's complicated for sure, so hard to really go in-depth.
 
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