Usual problems.

C

chivas

New Member
When I started surfing this forum, I never imagined that my first post would be on this board.

We were going to get married in Sep 09, after 6 tulmultous years of dating. All things fine and dandy, till I found out that he's gambling on soccer. Small amounts ($100s) no doubt, but it's an old issue, which had previously resulted in an ultimatum: Quit gambling, or quit the relationship. The former was chosen, and all was blissful for a while.

Just today, I found out that he's picked up that dreaded habit again. And obviously lied about it. On top of that, I found out that he's been communicating with his ex-colleague (well, according to him, it's an excolleague), who is a PRC national and had quit her sales job to become a KTV girl. Yes, WTF, ludicruous suggestion. Ex-colleague or not, he's communicating and meeting up with a PRC KTV girl. It sounds so cliched, no? The usual claims of "she's just a friend!" came as expected, and were duly ignored.

I dunno. I guess bottomline is I can't trust him after this. If he told me that the earth is round, I'd probably wind up double-checking on google just to make sure he's not lying. I'm guessing I did the right thing by pointing that out to him, and calling an end to the relationship, but hell, it hurts like crazy. =(

Why do people lie? Beacause you know the other person would be furious if she'd known the truth? But tell me, would it not be worse if she knew the truth and knew you lied?

Can trust be rebuilt? He offered to surrender his salary, and have me issue an allowance. He further offered to move in with me, so that I can trace his activity. Even if I did take him up on both offers, it'd be tiring on both him and I, and I can foresee the relationship straining further...

Or am I just petty?
 


something must be wrong with pple nowadays... "6 tulmultous years of dating" and the decision is Marriage to commit to another 30yrs of it? is Marriage supposed to be a result of endurance and hardship? isiy supposed to be like some exam where the more u study and work on it, the Better the result is likely to be?

he obviously Needs u, especially with him surrendering his salary. u obviously need him cos u're willing to go along with it. Maybe it's time to explore if u love each other or u're just used to controlling each other... some relationships are there becos both parties love controlling each other, or trying to control each other... most other pple dun bother listening to them in reality.

u can't trust him then it's better to show it and break it off... or dun show it and keep things the way they are. i'm surprised that some pple wanna show face and expect things to remain status quo...

1stly soccer-betting... this is to guys, what playing barbie dolls is to girls... perhaps a good 30-40% have bet before. this can be controlled, but to totally eradicate, is kind unnecessary Unless your guy lacks self-control and gambles his entire salary away. it's really up to u... it's like how i prefer making frens with risk-taking pple than risk-adverse pple.

on the ex-colleague/ktv girl, there's nothing much to say given that u dun believe him. so taking your cue, i guess the chances of him going beyond his duties as a fren to her would be high. perhaps a 30% chance tat he's not lying, but honestly if u can't even trust him on his words, then what can u trust and who are u marrying?

i find most times... pple are marrying a CONCEPT of being married, they are just picking the partner closest to them to test out the CONCEPT.
 
hi chivas, i'm sure the trust CAN be rebuilt but it is a slow process which requires great effort from both party to be accountable to each other.

even though he wants to surrender his salary and allowing you to trace his activities, this may cause bitterness and resentment later on, leading to greater problems and trust issues. i suggest that both of you get some counselling, talk through everything. there must be something in the relationship to have kept it going strong for 6 years and leading to the decision of tying the knot. don't give up hope yet. encourage him and give him little rewards for every month he doesn't bet etc. try some soft tactics. some men if driven to the wall for either one of two (very tough) choices, may be driven into the arms of another woman.

as for the PRC KTV girl / ex-colleague, ask him to bring you along the next time he goes out with her? if he has nothing to hide, no harm introducing both of you. perhaps from there, you can better guage the situation.
 
hi chivas, i can relate to how u feel.

Yes, u can trust your husband but don't trust him blindly as u he might betray your trust.

Since u have found out that he's been communicating with his ex-colleague???!!! (well, according to him, it's an ex-colleague, who is a PRC national), of cos he have to find a excuse to cover up. Don be too naive.
 
chivas,

It beats me that you have had a tulmultous relationship for 6 years and yet still heading for marriage?

And you already condemning him of lying.. you can't trust him.. so what is the point?
 
Thanks all for the comments and views, particularly the contrasting ones between powder and freeesia.

To powder's point on marrying the concept of marriage, I agree completely. I guess however there may be other reasons: to give a child a name (not my case), or to fulfill parental expectations (my case). That aside, prior to this mess-up, I was prepared that this man would be the last man in my life, with or without the institution of marriage.

We both gamble in casinos, but only on capital, never on credit. Online soccer betting is on credit, and perpetual. You can be losing in the first half, and double your bet in the second, in hope to "fight back". That's the part where he loses himself. The alternative of course, is our beloved Singapore Pools. But of course, the "odds and payouts are better on sbobet". We don't have controlling/possessive personalities, and I am definitely NOT inclined to take up his offers - as previously mentioned, it is more likely than not to strain things eventually.

sm: Tumultuous years, yes. We both studied abroad at the same time, in different timezones, but fundamentally what didn't kill us made us stronger. And that is so convenient an excuse for me to recall the breakup and attempt to work things out.

The past is always hard to let go, and it's a tussle between the head and the heart. Again, thanks for the views, they do offer different perspectives.
 
sometimes i do attribute the risk-adverse attitude of locals to our education system... we're so programmed to 'win' without realising that the wins are empty... it's a winless win sometimes, but by not exploring other options, we can keep to our concept of winning...

this seems to spillover to the way we deal with relationships... pls note i'm talking relationships, not sex partners... so whilst the younger generation are having more sexual experience, the Real expereince of relationships remains rather wanting.

it's particularly common with the ladies... perhaps becos men are more easily woken up with better visuals... ie prettier girls. But ladies seem to be more willing to just stick to one guy in order to Win, somehow breaking up and cutting losses is like a big failure thing which is a no-no.

What pple should learn is that sometimes, u lose the battles... ultimately - u wanna win the war, u wanna walk into the sunset with the Only guy who's be able to spend the rest of the sunsets with u... someone who can last a lifetime and beyond... someone whom u will not be naturally inclined to have differences with... But for some reason, we dun realise that u need to go thru a few wrong relationships to find the right one... just like how most seem inclined to use the same academics over and over for the rest of their lives even if their major field sucks and they dun like it... they just dun explore beyond...

i wish that by the end of your life, u can tell yourself that u'd had a really great time and a splendid life of ups and downs with the one who loves u held your hand thru it all...
 
chivas,

Of course the tumultuous years can make the relationship stronger.. i just didnt see in yours.

There is no trust in the relationship - rightly or wrongly I cannot tell.

And yes trust can be re-built but it mental.. you must be willing to believe first in the possibility else it will always come to haunt you.
 
on the comment that online soccer betting is on credit. I would disagree. Its like saying spending with a credit is on credit. Technically, that is true but in actual practice, it is really dependent on how the user manage it.

Again, we are faulting the wrong things? i.e. blaming the activity rather than the lack of self-discipline and priorities?

I have a personal float of $500 online and I hardly burst it. I do double up and play bola jalan. Simply because I bet well within the capital and not on credit. Of cos, there are times I got carried away. But, never on a long term basics. I simply treat is as expenses from my hobby and write them off.

It is the mentality of trying to win back that is causing one to be in-debt and for the bets to increase exponentially.
 
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