an incident happened between my father in law and me (bridegroom now husband)
it is regarding the ang pow situation.
below is the email i intend to send to both parents involved, let me know if i am being unreasonable?
i would like some advice.
Hi,
Just to let you all know that I will not be attending your father's birthday dinner tonight.
Please inform your father for me. I would prefer that you print this out and let him read my message word for word.
The reason is that my attendance might be misconstrued as an acceptance of his decision about the wedding ang pow, which is not the case.
Just to explain my side of the story as to how I have come to this decision.
The wedding card invite stated that the ang pow money be used to help build a home for my wife and i, and I offered instead, to take the ang pow boxes from both sides, count the money and send thank you notes and offer the money to pay off the wedding reception and the dinner if both parents would accept it. Inez agreed with me.
Your dad said that he would keep the ang pow money for his side and case is closed. I did a bit of research and he is indeed following a very old Cantonese tradition. I could have misheard but he did state that he asked his friends and relatives about the Peranakan tradition and his friends and family told him that the Peranakans follow this tradition as well. In his words, “this is a very common wedding practice.â€
It is not the case. None of my family follows this tradition and our Cantonese friends do not follow this tradition as well. Inez asked her friend and her wedding did follow this tradition.
Your father asked me to ask my godparents, so I did. Patrick has 2 daughters and in both cases, Patrick paid for the wedding dinner. The ang pows collected were used to offset the cost of the dinner and the remaining money was given to the wedding couple.
My counter proposal is that since there were many wedding traditions and that both parents were involved, that both parents come together for a discussion so that a mutual agreement can be reached as to this issue.
In response, your father refused the meeting and will only go with his tradition, saying that that is the end of the issue and furthermore threatened to disown his daughter. This is an insult to me and my family, because he has ignored my family's traditions & wishes and used emotional blackmail on my wife. That I cannot accept.
I have given feedback to my parents and they are 100% behind me. They had intended not to accept a cent of the money from the wedding ang pow and let Inez and I have the money (though I would have tried my best to give them the money in some way and I had, as stated, intended to do the same with your parents)
At this point, my parents want nothing to do with the ang pow money from your side of the family, nor do I because of all the bad feeling that has resulted from this. My family also does not want to maintain relations with your father.
your father can keep the money for his uses. Please feedback this to your father.
At this present moment, I will not consider Lawrence a friend, nor will I accord him the status of an elder and call him “uncle†or “dad.†If I am invited to family dinners at your place, it will be to meet your mother and sisters But when it comes to you father, I will simply address him as his first name and be polite.
As far as I am concerned, respect is earned and your father has not earned my respect. Some form of an apology to me and my parents from him will go towards earning respect from me and my family.
Please forward this message to your father.
The ball is now in his court.
Have an enjoyable dinner and my apologies that I cannot participate.
Regards
XXX
it is regarding the ang pow situation.
below is the email i intend to send to both parents involved, let me know if i am being unreasonable?
i would like some advice.
Hi,
Just to let you all know that I will not be attending your father's birthday dinner tonight.
Please inform your father for me. I would prefer that you print this out and let him read my message word for word.
The reason is that my attendance might be misconstrued as an acceptance of his decision about the wedding ang pow, which is not the case.
Just to explain my side of the story as to how I have come to this decision.
The wedding card invite stated that the ang pow money be used to help build a home for my wife and i, and I offered instead, to take the ang pow boxes from both sides, count the money and send thank you notes and offer the money to pay off the wedding reception and the dinner if both parents would accept it. Inez agreed with me.
Your dad said that he would keep the ang pow money for his side and case is closed. I did a bit of research and he is indeed following a very old Cantonese tradition. I could have misheard but he did state that he asked his friends and relatives about the Peranakan tradition and his friends and family told him that the Peranakans follow this tradition as well. In his words, “this is a very common wedding practice.â€
It is not the case. None of my family follows this tradition and our Cantonese friends do not follow this tradition as well. Inez asked her friend and her wedding did follow this tradition.
Your father asked me to ask my godparents, so I did. Patrick has 2 daughters and in both cases, Patrick paid for the wedding dinner. The ang pows collected were used to offset the cost of the dinner and the remaining money was given to the wedding couple.
My counter proposal is that since there were many wedding traditions and that both parents were involved, that both parents come together for a discussion so that a mutual agreement can be reached as to this issue.
In response, your father refused the meeting and will only go with his tradition, saying that that is the end of the issue and furthermore threatened to disown his daughter. This is an insult to me and my family, because he has ignored my family's traditions & wishes and used emotional blackmail on my wife. That I cannot accept.
I have given feedback to my parents and they are 100% behind me. They had intended not to accept a cent of the money from the wedding ang pow and let Inez and I have the money (though I would have tried my best to give them the money in some way and I had, as stated, intended to do the same with your parents)
At this point, my parents want nothing to do with the ang pow money from your side of the family, nor do I because of all the bad feeling that has resulted from this. My family also does not want to maintain relations with your father.
your father can keep the money for his uses. Please feedback this to your father.
At this present moment, I will not consider Lawrence a friend, nor will I accord him the status of an elder and call him “uncle†or “dad.†If I am invited to family dinners at your place, it will be to meet your mother and sisters But when it comes to you father, I will simply address him as his first name and be polite.
As far as I am concerned, respect is earned and your father has not earned my respect. Some form of an apology to me and my parents from him will go towards earning respect from me and my family.
Please forward this message to your father.
The ball is now in his court.
Have an enjoyable dinner and my apologies that I cannot participate.
Regards
XXX
