To move on without divorce?

C

cocoon

New Member
I am seperated from my ex.
divorce dragging on cause he wants me to make sure we dont lose $ from the HDB which is still under MOP. Divorce cannot be settled w/o the HDB settled. Basically I am tied to a person who doesn't love me anymore because of the MOP.

Anyway, we have been seperated, and I moved on to another relationship. However, due to the divorce, I cannot marry another person - which I am fine cause I want to avoid another mistake so soon - but my new partner is much older than me.

QS: I am independent and can financially care for a child. My new partner is stable as well, and the relationship is very strong. Though I know there is nothing definite in a relationship, I am considering having a kid with my present partner first due to our age (not getting young anymore).
It's just a thought I have had for sometime, worrying about my health and age (and his as well) but have dragged for 2 years due to the house and inability to be divorced. Should I just plan for my future without the divorce being settled first?
 


why drag? it's better to plan your future with someone who love u than contiune with him. The one day u are not official divorce, u are still his wife.
 
Cocoon, u could still start your divorce proceedings first and as for the flat, could make the MOP timing be close to the date u could estimate completing the divorce proceeding. Alternatively u can put the hdb flat issue on hold first. U can also proceed to get a baby with your current partner as well if u want.
 
actually, must two persons really need a piece of paper to stay together? In Europe and australia, there are lots of couples that have cohabit and some have children prior to getting married. Yet again, in a Asian traditional mindset this is frown upon. And since you are separated, you are entitled to your own wishes. Please correct me if I am wrong.

I will considered to hold onto the HDB flat and wait for the MOP. The extra money come in handy and why should you let HDB profit from it? Sorry if i sounded greedy.
 
Hi Cocoon, I think u should discuss tis matter seriously with ur current partner. Though u are seperated from ur husband, u are still legally husband n wife. If u have a child with ur current partner, ur child may be considered illegitimate. Ur partner also needs to write up a will to include u and the child in his assets division, in the event of his death. Legally u do not have any rights to ur current partner's assets at the moment, since u are not married to him.

While u are still entangled in ur marriage with ur husband, it will be better not to complicate the situation by having a child now. It will invite unnecessary comments n insults from ur in-laws. I suggest u put the $ concern aside n finalize the divorce soonest possible, so tat u no longer have any ties with ur husband, then make plans with ur current partner. Settle 1 issue at a time.
 
hi guys, thanks for all your comments.

My current partner is totally fine on the fact that we may not be legally married. the assets portion is also not too much of a concern - though i appreciate the need to be aware of that.

For me, the issue is the fact that I will never have a proper wedding the "proper" way. Well, guess I will just take one step at a time. I spoke to my lawyer and she suggested I appeal to HDB to release the house for sale, and after the house is settled, then I proceed with the divorce.

I don't really care about whatever stigma, and my new partner's parents are not even local, so they are not the people who will be throwing insults. Hai~ I know its a silly question and the person who should decide eventually is myself. Just want to see what people around here think - more like a public opinion about such things.

Only word of advice for young girls - dont get married before thinkng properly through!!!

Thanks All!
 
the child thing is ok. more or less is individual preferences & social pressure, i think.

my sister's ex-hubby just have a child with 1 of her gf. they didnt get married. but on the birth cert, the name of the father is still him.

divorce sell hse still need MOP? cos i just move into my new hse & when i told my lawyer abt it, he tell me dun worry, np, he will settle it.
say saything like divorce is special case, usually wont have problem even if haven reach MOP. infact sometimes court might judge the couple to sell the flat within certain mth after the divorce.
but i haven start the divorce thingy yet so also nt sure whether e lawyer mean it or nt. cos 1st consultation he nv charge me mah, so he want to say anything also can lor.
 
MOP is because we bought the house with grant. so can't sell for 5 years. unless HDB agree to a sale (which is tough). So for my case, my ex refuse to serrender the house to HDB - which means we basically give back to HDB at about 90% of the valuation (not sure is market price or present valuation) which basically lose money. Ex wants to get cash from the house (i think he is just trying to make sure he doesn't lose out) he says he wont't divorce unless the house is settled with no loss.
Aiyah.. mine is messed up la. Your lawyer seems pretty non chalent about it.. maybe I should stop listening to my lawyer..
 
cocoon, maybe u want try another law firm.
my hse is resale flat, so maybe abit diff frm ur case, my mop quite short only, no need 5 yrs.

today i visited another law firm. (Cos tat time make appt aldy, so i just go down see see look look). wow laoz! want charge me $2500 somemore ask me own self call hdb to chk & settle my hdb problem. tsk tsk tsk. sounded more like a counsellor than lawyer when i talk to her. ask me hw cm no saving since income is nt consider little. say adultery very very common, unless feel tat hubby sure will commit again, else y not give it another chance.
funny lawyer.
 
Interesting.

Given experiment... subjects subjected to commitment without the basis of real love have a 90% tendency of your psychological bearing on relationship... that it is not definite.

You are not or you have never been prepared sufficiently for a relationship. Pardon my view that your 'planning' reflects your gambling attitude with the new man yet again.

Given from your prior experience, you should have realised that a woman is never in the position to plan. It's just more like pure optimism or fat wishing. What if your new man got attracted to someone else? What if you discover your previous man is better? What if your new man who is not young anymore caught a disease... (touchwood)

What if... for some reason he is genetically defective for you?

Scientifically speaking, it is advisable to first have yourself stablised, understand what you really want in life, what is really love you seek, and hence to understand that before you sort things out, every start of a marriage begins with 'strong relationship' and ends up a struggle to divorce. LOL~

What is a relationship...?

Do you love both men? If so, what is love? I am curious.
 
I sense some uncertainity in you in having a baby with your current partner without a proper marital status:
1. You said that "the relationship is very strong" but also "there is nothing definite in a relationship". What are the non definite elements?
2. You also said you have issues with "the fact that I will never have a proper wedding the 'proper' way". I think this is something important to you still but having failed once you currently do not have faith in marriage.
 
Scope Guy (scope_guy) : I beg to differ.. It's precisely because there was no planning in the previous relationship - in terms of what we want out of the marriage, children, financial status, career plans - that caused the drift. Personally (just my own personal thoughts), I feel a woman should plan. But that being said, the plans should be made to the point of her own personal ability, eg. if I can afford to love a child and provide financially for him/her, then I have planned to my best efforts. The presence of a father figure - I agree - is beyond my control (like what you said: genetically defective, attracted to another), hence the inability to plan.
What I want is simple I guess: being happy, independent and have someone who really loves me. A strong relationship is strong at the moment and anything can happen in future. But I am not one to be overly pessimistic or optimistic about how any relationship will develop in future. My only problem and question hence is: should I dwell on the numerous possibilities - good or bad - and waste the time to find out? I don't think I will ever know. All I know is I am in love with the person I am with now. and I want to build the future with him. What comes in future.. I dont think I can control.
Do I love both men? I loved and now I don't have much emotion now for my ex. And of course I am in love with the person I am now with.. else why am I with him?
As for what is a relationship: seriously, I have no definition as well. My concept of a relationship is I am with someone who loves me back. What is your definition?
 
doll:
1. non definite elements are like what Scope Guy pointed out (though the things he mentioned are the pessimistic ones). generally what ever that may break a relationship
2. Actually I meant that I will be a pregnant bride la.. it was meant to be a silly comment.. :p
 
Hi Cocoon H,

Reviewing your case... It'd be a nice if your new venture turns out well. And I wish you all the best.

The future is said in a way to be in our hands... Sadly, it's in OUR hands, and not in MY hands. LOL~

All I can say is, this is a gamble you are taking. And unlike the other women, you know you are gambling, that makes you more mature and prepared than the others.

While we do not have a way to increase our chance of winning in this p0ker game against heaven, but we can always do something about the losses... LOL~

I am sure that since you are already mature from the earlier lesson, against anything in the future, once you know how to manage the possible losses, you'd be fine. Which is losses due from emotional swings, from over investment into the new man, and to be focused on your child... Love your man, but keep a respectable hedge gap. ^.^

If he is your destined partner, I must congratulate you. If he is not... You should be able to handle.

As for what is my definition of relationship... it's as simple as I love you means I love you. And 'You' may not be a singular reference. ^.^

Unlike you, if I love a woman, I'd love a woman after I met another... I don't believe feeling will change for mere mortal concerns.

Be happy, Cocoon H. To me... marriage is but a tool, a ceremony... Nothing else.

Everything, nothing, ie. LOL~
 
wow.. thanks for your kind agreement..
anyway, i can't make any decision now.. just asking out to see how strong this kind of stigma is..
 
Cocoon H,

Don't bother about stigma...

It's your choice, it's your decision with your liabilities. People can call you whatever they want...

You can have your happiness, be with the man who loves you and you love, when the world yell and jump and curse in their sad misery. LOL~

Still, it's a gamble, try not to lose.
 
Cocoon,

Are you comfortable with a starting before an ending? Looks abit messy to me lar, no head no tail. The adverse way to clear up things quickly: dun care about the MOP, you pay your ex the money lost. You are caught in this mess bcoz of $$$, my question is: does your freedom and new relationship cost more or less than the flat $$$?
 
truth is. i did propose paying $ to compensate.. but the market is moving too fast.. and it seems like he wants to be compensated at the present market price (meaning with COV of at least 30k). anyway, if we want to do that, he must see the $ first, and that could mean I pay, and he still refuse the divorce..

truth be told, we both dont trust each other. so its best to get the house settled first legally b4 divorce.. end of the day, its gonna be a long wait! i agree its not worth wasting a few yrs bcoz of $.. hence my question if i should jus move on with my life..

i think someone should review the divorce proceedings in singapore... do you guys know that if a divorce cannot be approved if the marriage is within 3 years even if the husband beats the wife? imagine if its a helpless woman with no resources (no other house, no relatives to protect her etc) she has to live with the same man for 3 full years and PROVE the abuse before the courts will review a divorce? think i read that somewhere.. talk about protecting woman! Understand its to make sure people dont manipulate the marriage system, but the Singapore system does tend to push young couples to be married because of HDB.. ironic..
 
Cocoon,

This system is never built based on being humane. LOL~

If you were to be such a victim of abuses, report to the police or seek a legitimate centre to report and get the case filed.

You may not be divorced, but you can always choose to enter the status of separation. But before that...

Why marry in the first place???

As for the flat, that shouldn't be your primary concern. When you go to the subordinate court, the judge will decide.
 
Siao liao...the government wants to preserve the marriage rate/decrease the divorce rate by disallowing abused spouses to divorce???? Teribble!

This guy ah, sounds like he is using you as a yao2 qian2 shu4. Must see $$ first and may still refuse the divorce. I'm just wondering whether the compensation can be part of the divorce settlement/agreement? Then it is part of the divorce proceedings in black and white, and not something he can anyhow get away with. I don't know lah...giving suggestion in case this was left out.

Pertaining to your own question of whether to move on in life...what are your current thoughts after all you heard? Have you a better idea of what to do? Have to think of current, wedding ceremony, when baby is born, when child is in school (eg 10 years), 20 years, etc., possible ostracism, problems etc. Weigh all the factors, then go with your heart. Do not look back and regret after you choose.

All the best!
 
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