The day i lost him, i lost myself as well. pls help me

G

gonewiththewind

New Member
We were together for 2years and planning to get married end next year. When we were starting together, he treated me very well but i was abit of a short tempered person, he gave me many chances and hoped i would change. on one occassion when we had a huge fight, he claimed that i destroyed his dreams. many times we break and patch up the next day and he got more and more disappointed with me. alothou i did try to change my temper he was not fully satisfied with the change. He told me countless times that its pointless if a couple get married and occasionally get unhappy over small matters. i agree with him. Recently due to family probs, i had to shift out from my mum's place but i never requested to stay at his place cuz his parents didnt like me from the start. no matter how i try to please his parents, it always backfired. His parents has been going to is frens behind his back and asking them to persuade him to braek off with me. in turn, he feels very presurised from my end and his parent's. Two weeks ago, i mentioned to him that we should get a flat together but he insists that he doesnt wanto settle down so soon anymore due to financial instability. After i heard that, we both went cold war. i didnt wanto scream or shout at him like i used to and i thought we probably need to cool down. But the next day he texted me and ask ffor a break up indicating that we are not suitable as we have different needs. i feel so angry that he's selfish and didnt spare a thought for me. DUring the argueent he told me many nasty and hurtful things, that he wasnt happy with me all along and even if he were, the amount of hurt i caused him cant be neutralised with the happy moments and that he cant breathe anymore becuuse of the pressure i give to him, and his parents. i feel so hurt and yet i cant do anything. After cold war for one week, he asked me out for dinner and i rejected him claiming i was busy. The next day i asked to meet him out and take back my stuffs, i could tell he had a little change in expression but i couldnt tell what it was. The next day, his frens told me he went to geylang and visited a thai prostitute. My heart broke into pieces!!

now he refuses to ans my cor and smses and says that he's happy to break with me and i should just f*** off and he even called me a bitch! first time he ever did that.. these few days i am so dam devastated, i cant eat and whenever i close my eyes i see him. Everywhere i go, everything i see all links to our memories. i cant take it anymore. Sept end we were supposed to go to a vietnam trip together to attend a wedding, tickets were bought. but he tells me if i wanto go, i can. but sleep in separate rooms cuz he's gona bring another girl back! i was so dam disapointed in what he said. He even told me that he realize that he cant be with one women his life and he enjoys prostituting now! i almost fainted when i heard that.

Can anyone tell me why, from a man who's very faithful to me, cares and loves me so much can slowly change into someone i dont know at all. to ease the pain, i went to sleep around with another guy but i was secretly crying during the session. i hate myself now. When i was in my downest days, he was there taking care of me and he changed me alot and what i have acheived today was due to him being there for me. what should i do now. is there any ways to get him back..
 


Sadgirl: It takes time to know one person and of course the true character of the person. It is painful to break off from someone whom we love so deeply but is the feelings mutual? How can someone uses such langanges on someone we love? Spend some time to think about it? Moreover, it might be a blessing in diguise that things happen before marriage... it is never an easy process to undergo breakups in a rs, wat's more on marriage?
 
But is that his true self or i was the one who caused him to become like this. ive been blaming myself for tis sudden change. he told me he doesnt love me anymore. how can he tell me he loves me one week before and dont love the week after. im so confused.
 
Circumstances, situations etc change one person.. At times, a discussion on marriage can cause one to re-think on his / her needs, priorities... start to reconsider if he/she is the ideal lifetime partner, if he/she is the person who is suitable etc..
 
Sadgirl,
Nobody is perfect in this earth, stop blaming yourself and move on. Ask yourself what had you learnt from this relationship what do you need to change to be a better person. MOst importantly now is dont repeat the mistake again. Leave this man alone from now on. Take care of your own emotional.
 
Hi Sadgirl,

Although he hurts you alot, but I dun think u should ease the pain by sleeping with another man. Learn to love yourself dun act in a moment of foolish and live to regret later.

This guy doesn't appreciate what u have done for him. A guy who goes prostiuting is a useless and worthless guy u should not cling on.

I hope time will cure your wounds.

Be brave and strong to move on.

All the best to you.
 
i really wanto to forget him, but its so hard. right from the start, ive put in all my best efforts and whole heartedly love him. ive already regarded him as my future husb and i can also picture us living the blissful life. After what he told me, my dreams and hope all shattered. i thought ive finally found the right guy. but yet he did this to me. i know that there are many many more worst situations den mine. but i cant help but feel lost confused and i dont want to give up. After so much we've been thru. Even if i have to forget that he went to a prostitute to be with him, i will try. but he hates me now, i want to be strong. but he was the one who instilled so much moral values in me and yet take everyting away. comtemplating suicide is foolish and yet i cant standby and watch my loved one walk away from me.. its so empty inside now
 
the clue lies in this - "but yet he did this to me".

your relationship is basically built on the expectations of him being the Giver most of the time... whilst u just sit back and receive. pls note by changing yourself to be a better person - u gain more from it. it is not considered as a sacrifice on your part.
 
If you had once put all your heart and all your soul into loving him, I am sure you can put all your heart and all your soul into moving on.
 
the thing is that.. initially he was the one always giving in to me when im being the fussy one. then as time goes by, he starts to show displeasure and is not willing to acpt my bad temper. I strted trying to give in to him till a point he takes it for granted and during an arguement he does not take a step back althou it might be both our fault. I dont ever feel its hard to try and change my bad temper cuz i know thats what i had to do..

its the first time a guy ever did this kinda things to me. I totally lost it. My frens ask me to go visit a pyschiatrist, but i dont know what went wrong, and why. i put my heart and soul to be with him cuz its wad i wanted to as i love him. but asking me to put my heart and soul to leave him, which i dont want to. is so hard.

How does one change so drastically with such a short period of time. i cant understand. i cant believe this kinda things happen to me. a love we once shared so deeply is gone just like that..
 
You gave him pressure to do something against his will (to apply for an HDB flat when he is financially and emotionally not ready for marriage). Of course he chose to take flight.
 
i thought so too.. but i didnt force him. it was just a casual chat. i told him if he didnt like it. we need not discuss in future, as well as anything that he doesnt like, he can be frank with me... but seems like we lack of communication. he's more of an egoistic person and doesnt like to confide his woes with me. he would rather char with his frens. dats y i never understood wad he wants and instead focus on him with wad i want.
 
no definietly not. i mean it. if its causes disturbance, why continue saying it. And it was only the seond time we discussed about it.. The first time we did, we ended up in tears. but not from anger.
 
Separation isn't a bad thing sometimes. It gives you time and space to cool down on your own, and regain a clear mind on what you want and if you had been with the right person.
 
sad Girl, Your case is similiar with mine. He ask me to f off and call me a bitch...
No one deserve to be verbual abuse. He also say he did not love me anymore and he wont even want to be friend with me. I was heart broken..

As usual, i was like you.. keep asking why and why this have to happen... But as times goes by, He playing mind game with me.. One part of him, enjoying himself, the other part msg me, saying if he see a complete new me, there is nothing to talk about.. giving me false hope.. and he drop me an email saying he love me when i ignore his sms...

when i finally give in, saying i accept him , his bad habit.. ( he smoke, he drink and he frequent night club ( in sales lines) ) , he would say in a way, you can never accept me, u cant accept me, No matter wat , you wont change,. when i finally give in, he would say , i drink everyday , meet you occasionally , where u are someone who need company, don lie to yourself, .. Isnt this mind game?

Sad girl, it is time to move on.. If he can go prostiute with another woman, do you think he deserve another chance. as the saying goes.. a leopard will never change its spot..
And please love yourself, please dont hurt yourself just to forget, and to revenge back, Nobody love you more than you love yourself...

Time heals everything. I have break off for one month, although it still hurts, but i am gettting better day by day. forcus on your work, don get affected...

Let this both of you to cool off. when he meant to be yours, he yours, if he is not, he is not meant to be yours. If he has move on, please move on at your end...
Maybe it the same case as mine, something is holding him for too long, when he finally released it out..

Dont be despair.. Move on. tell yourself you can do it..
 
Hi sadgirl,

I know everyone may be different but
You seems to be a girl who needs someone to love and take care of you. I think you need someone who loves you more than you love him.

In your next relationship, let the guy propose to you and plan a future for you.
It's a magical experience.
 
Grow up. A marriage is a partnership. Both needs to be able to accept the other and learn to grow together. Not mould each other to their own expectations.

Marriage is bigger than just emotions. Its always the same thing really.... Oh, but I love him so much still. SO? The both of you are not in the same page. Its so stupid of you to go sleeping around. Wake up, you live only once. Don't live if with regrets and for someone else. Live it for yourself. You said u did it to ease the pain. So, did it really ease the pain at all?

"Can anyone tell me why, from a man who's very faithful to me, cares and loves me so much can slowly change into someone i dont know at all"
The answer is simple : He simply moved on. No one can move on without cutting of the emotion. You too should cut the emotions. Its pointless.

No breakup is easy but its life. The world doesn't stop spinning, life goes on for everyone.
 
in addition to the initial, i believe having been opened to a world where money is the key to unlock sexual doors... it may have initiated a shift in his views...

some pple stay faithful becos they're Ignorant, Unexposed and have their doors Closed on the other possibilities in life... NOT becos they are faithful... they just Never had the choice to make. Faithful is a Choice, not a Habit. the faithfulness is becos pple Dun know wat it's like with others...

what happened with u guys has opened the doors for your bfren to seek alternatives to a life without u. and he probably find it alot more enticing n attractive at this present moment. In fact i would think most guys might be enticed, they just haven't been given the opportunities.

realistically, it's gonna be hard for u to chase him back, nor should u expect him to be 'untampered' after the recent spate. i consider it an Awakening... u have no idea how attractive access to such a life can be, particularly if u've got a gfren who gives u alot of pressure... saying 'fcuk it!' is a really attractive proposition sometimes...

i'm not sure how u're gonna be chasing him back, but i can tell u one thing Not to do... dun take the stance where he requires u to forgive anything that he has done.
 
snowy: i realised that he too has been playing mind games with me. initially he liked every single thing about me, irregardless of good points or the bad ones. Then as time goes by he starts to complain about everything. and when i tried to change he will always say i can never change and things will be the same. And as each time passes, he's expectations from me is getting higher. it seems that no matter wad i try to do is not enough. Sometimes i ask myself, is there really such a hugh problem with me? or is he jus playing around and enjoys seeing ppl changing for him. As time goes on, it gets worser till the point he complains even the money spent on food.

i did not initate the marriage previously. he was the ones who started it. i guess some men like him sweet talks in the beginning and the true colour shows in the end. I have seen many bad points of him eg very proud and extremely stubborn and many more. but i tend to ignore his ugly point and look at his good ones. but its a shame its not returned. This is the first time ive met a man like this. unbelieveable. makes me wonder y i fell in love with him in the first place.
 
Hi sad girl.. See,you have realised it slowly..
My ex was exactly the same, except that he didnt go to bed with the girl. I remember the day when he mentioned break up, he told me he is attached now and ask me not to be a third party. Sometimes, this is not about the things he did , but the words he say. it is just so heart breaking and he can say, you don have to listen. i am just a nobody to you..

My ex even apply a flat with me, we went to wedding fair together, see wedding photos , but so what? In the end , we still end it off....

Your bf is taking you for granted, wanted to feel proud that someone is changing for him, begging him to come back.. Please have some pride and integrity and as a woman, you need to have respect from others.

Stop playing mind games.. with him.. if he wants to play , let him be, he will realise he is a fool playing by himself..

My ex is also extremely stubborn , thinking he is always right.. By the way, how old is your bf? He seem childish as my ex...

Move on, If i can move on well, you too. It is a matter if you want to move or nor..
 
when we were just frens he told me his buddy took him a few times to women who offers sexual favours. i mind alot but i tried to forget, maybe 90%? i have a close gf who works in pub and she sleeps around like maybe 70-80 sex partners till date? but she never gets hurt till an extend like mine. does one really have to be like her in order not to get hurt? but well i cant do it anyway. but i no more faith in rltnships anymore. its too scary.. i tried to ease the pain by sleeping with other guys. but it backfired. i wasnt happy at all..
 
snowy: my bf is exactly as wad u decribed. errm maybe i should say my ex.. he's 24 im 23. he's dam childish at times. i dont think he wants to play anymore. probably got sick of my face. sigh..
 
now.. im just dont know what i should do with the leave applied and the air tixs for our vietnam trip together.. sigh... he's so irresponsible.
 
Please..In the first place, Why should you even accept him when you mind a lot? Do you know friends play an important part as well...

If his friends are like that, bring him to women who offer sexual favours... Do you think he will change after marriage. I always believe to observe someone closely before deciding to get marry with him...

As for you. Please do not compare yourself to your gf who sleep around.. Please love yourself more...

Why do you have to be like her in order not to get hurt.. You will regret it if your own personality and character is obviously not like this...

anyway, how old are you? You sound young for all the action you do.
 
You are still young, girl.. You are only 23. Many hopes for you girl.. And he is only 24! For a guy like him, and only 24, how do you expect him to settle down where guys at his age are enjoying so much...5 years down the road.. you will realise.. Thanks god, i have broken up with him..

Of cos, you should reflect what you have did wrong and know what you want in life. Remember if the guy that you know you cant accept his lifestyle, please don be blinded by your emotions and think everything is going to be sweet and nice..

Move on.. You can see many of us who have been going through all this path ,see better than you and think better than you.

Why are you worrying? you are still young. Who knows in another year time, you have get yourself a better guy who love you more than you love yourself?

It is just a passing phrase you are going through now.. In a month, you will find yourself living life as normal..
 
im 23.
actually i believe every one should be given a chance. even what he's done in the past as long as he doesnt do it when he's with me. i will try my best to acpt. What's more he's really good to me in the past and im quite happy with him. that the important factor. Thats why its really hard to forget him after all we've been through. being out of love seems so easy but the emotional tussle is really weighing down on me.
 
I had previous few rlnships and always very tired with it at the end. this guy i tot is so diff cuz he treats me very very nice sometimes. but end up very disappointing.
 
sadgirl, in order to live happily and without regrets, while I know its very painful and hurting.. you really got to let go of him.. there are people who went through the same heartaches as you. I was just like you trying and hoping that this would not happened.. cry all you want, be crazy but sane... you will get over it in no time. You WILL BE just like me looking back that I had done the right thing.. by letting go of a hopeless man. And yes I am now happier with someone else.

You too.
 
Thks everyone.. I am happy now =D
very happy as i realised that there's so much things that i can do without him! and even better!
Althou im still upset over the loss but there's even more things in life to look forward to.

Cheers! =)
 
Life is short, y sad? Marriage doesn't mean will be together, dun forget there's always an exit called divorce which needs lot of $$$$....
 
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